Stress haircutter trying starting over for, hopefully, the last time

[Eve-Jade-Day]

Hello, lovely long-haired ladies!
I’ve been lurking for a while after registering and forgetting my password. Now that I’ve restarted my hair journey again, I thought I’d become active.

I have been trying to grow my hair for at least four to five years. I used to be a huge cut-and-color DYI-er, so I had to cut everything off and start all over multiple times. Others, my hair would be healthy, but I’d freak out in a moment of stress and attack it with the nearest sharp object. Needless to say, self-control can only take you so far. You control the urge for a while then it gets you and next thing you know, one side of your hair is 5 cm shorter than the other…

I take my stress out on my hair. I also have an obsession with the evenness of the hairline and there being absolutely no splits whatsoever. Because I had lightened my hair as I was starting to grow it out last time in 2017, then let it grow out naturally for another year, there was a difference in the color from my ears down and from roots to ears. Even though I’d colored my lightened hair my natural color, t washed out. Then I henndigo’ed which made the difference less noticeable, but I could still see it. (I had lightened my hair with straight H2O2, so even with super frequent trims, my ends were splitting like crazy.)

I had decided to grow my hair to my waist like I had as a child but on August 15, a self-trim went awry, so I had to go from collarbone to chin again. This takes a huge amount of styling for me and it looks super bad on me.

Then I decided to get a pixie, which became shorter and shorter (I did it at home).

It degraded to a cut where the sides and back were buzzed and there was too much weight on top, so on September 24 I just buzzed it with the #8 guard on top, #6 on the sides and back and #3 and #4 for tapering and blending.

It couldn’t be fixed otherwise and hairdressers make me uncomfortable. People tell me I’m brave but actually, my hair is in control of me. I had been cutting every day for weeks before I buzzed my head. I did it for a couple of reasons:

• So there wouldn’t be anything left to cut anymore
• So there wouldn’t be a difference in color
• So it would grow out healthier (no splits for me to obsess over)
• So I could finally try and accept myself

The only times I have grown out my hair is when we couldn’t afford haircuts. The longest I could go was mid-back, then my hair started falling out in clumps, presumably because of stress. So I cut it again.

So I have decided to let my hair grow for 12 months without a trim. I have tried growing it out properly, with mullet trims etc, but that just makes me obsess even more.

I’ll be using bandanas, hats and, most importantly, a wig. I’m looking forward to the delivery because having a wig means I’ll look normal again and I won’t have to look at what I’ve done.

I’m actually ashamed I can’t “just” grow my hair out like other people. I have no medical conditions to prohibit its growth, but I’m not satisfied with it, ever, and it causes me to constantly obsess over it I’m super self-conscious about it, no matter its length.

Last time I chopped was partly because it was flipping out and frizzy and flat at the roots. I have no idea what my texture is, nor could I make it stop doing that, so I just pulled it back 99% of the time.

I did try clay and vinegar washes, which kind of helped, but after 2 months my hair was super sticky and I had to wash it with regular products again. Then I switched to no-cone but this exaggerated my problem.

So I just want to finally get this over with. I’m sick of the long hair envy and the weird stares in public and feeling less-than and abnormal. In order to reach my goal length faster (mid-back), I’m currently:

• Taking biotin daily
• Massaging Trivitaminol (vit A, D, E) into my scalp once a week (sleeping with a bath cap on my hair), then deep-conditioning and washing off the hair mask without any shampoo
• Wearing hats and bandanas when I see something sticking up or being uneven
• Not blow-drying

And, in order not to be able to just quit anytime I please, I’ve also started a project where I take a photo every day and then make it into a time-lapse video!

I can’t wait to see that video.

I’ll be uploading it on Sept. 27, 2019.

Hope to be welcome here.

[illicitlizard]

Welcome! Sounds like you've been through a hell of a hair journey. Hopefully you'll be able to stick it out and find another outlet for your anxiety and stress. I've gotta say growing out shaved hair is a struggle, but it's easier when you don't really look at your hair much and just let it be. Trimming the mullet just adds a level of obsession so I totally get why that would've been a barrier before. A no trim challenge sounds excellent, hope you enjoy your time on the LHC and reach your goals!

[Eve-Jade-Day]

Yay, finally a reply!
My hair is not shaved per se, just super short, like 2 cm. Only thing that I know will bother me in the future is how there will be three distinct levels (bangs, front, back). It's gonna be interesting seeing how my hair grows out naturally. That's why I bought a wig tho.
I'm also abstaining from cuts until it's grown 12 cm because I think the flippy thing it does is partly due to it not being cut the right way (and being damaged before). When I had a really short bob, they cut it under, and it helped it do this less but I still had to dry it with a brush and constantly obsess over the way it looked

I look forward to being able to put in pretty updos and make it wavy with plaits. My hair is super high-maintenance until it reaches BSL... Hence my goal being BSL.

I'm kind of stressing over the fit of the wig because it's not a high-end one, nor was it custom made; it's also synthetic and I'm afraid of it looking weird on me. I looked up tips to make it look better and I think I can follow them succesfully, just stressing over whether the wig will make me focus on hair even more

[illicitlizard]

Oh man, yeah high maintenance hair is the worst. My hair needs so many layers to look presentable at shorter lengths so I get it. Hopefully the wig won't look weird (I actually got a cheap as wig on ebay years ago and it actually looks presentable so there is hope) and even if it does you don't obsess about your hair again To BSL! I too really miss plaits and buns, you can just do so much with longer hair haha. We'll get there eventually.

[lapushka]

Welcome to this forum.

From reading your story, I think it sounds like there is a bigger issue than your hair. Have you ever sought out therapy? Just an honest question, I don't mean to pry in your life, but it does sound "heavy".

[Eve-Jade-Day]

I'm contemplating it but I'm serously ashamed and afraid most therapists will brush me off or hand me a cocktail of anti-anxiety and anti-depression drugs, which make most people gain weight. I recently lost 15 kg and it'd drive me over the edge to regain them. Aprt from that, I'd hate to be addicted to anything, even if it's prescribed by a doc...

Sadly, in my country therapy isn't something worth trying.... So I hope to get over this without meds

[lapushka]

I'm contemplating it but I'm serously ashamed and afraid most therapists will brush me off or hand me a cocktail of anti-anxiety and anti-depression drugs, which make most people gain weight. I recently lost 15 kg and it'd drive me over the edge to regain them. Aprt from that, I'd hate to be addicted to anything, even if it's prescribed by a doc...

Sadly, in my country therapy isn't something worth trying.... So I hope to get over this without meds

If I were you, but I don't mean to meddle, I'd try. It's not a "given" that they are just going to give you medication. There's also behavioral therapy and guidance and that is often priceless.

[Eve-Jade-Day]

I'm in the process of looking for a professional, once I've found them I'll have to get over my shame and tell them about it. That's the shameful part; it sounds super duper spoiled and whiny and superficial to tell someone the way your hair looks is the source of so many problems for you. I almost didn't post here for that reason. It's even worse that you know there's something more and you have to tell them everything about everything :/ I just hate opening up to people so much, so I thought I'd hang around here while I sort this out.

[Eve-Jade-Day]

Also, afraid I'm gonna get banned for mental health talk at a hair forum.

[TatsuOni]

Welcome!

You won't be banned for talking about mental health. There's even one ore a few threads on the subject. We are very friendly here! If you feel the urge do do something drastic with your hair come talk to us!

Also. I began my journey with shorter hair than you (0,5 cm) and I've managed to grow it out. I'm sure that you can do it too!

And I agree that it would be a good idea to talk to a professional. Your problem isn't that uncommon. Some obsess over their hair, others about weight, there face or something else. It's not being spoiled or anything like that. It's just a problem like any else that you might need help with.

Good luck!