Long hair and sensory issues... I miss having a buzz cut but I love long hair.

[Lady Stardust]

Hugs

Some people say the first 6 weeks with a baby are the hardest, but others say 12 weeks and I’m in that camp! It might be worth holding off any decision until things feel less manic.

It’s easy to lose yourself into mum role and give up everything for the baby, because it’s so hard to take time for yourself. It’s really worthwhile to find a way to make time, and to do the things that are important to you.

I used to sit my daughter in a bouncy chair next to the bath, or I would wash my hair/have a bath while she had a nap, or when my husband could look after her. Once things got into a routine, there would be a particular time of day that was best. For a while that was first thing in the morning, after I’d changed her and fed her. My daughter is 6 now and it’s still difficult to find time for myself but it’s non negotiable, it has to happen. I do sympathise, it’s hard to take time for yourself when you can hear her crying and every part of you wants to go and comfort her. It will get easier

As an aside, my daughter has sensory issues and she hates the sound of the shower. She is able to tell me this herself now, but for a long time we didn’t realise. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is separation anxiety and what is some other form of distress. I wash her hair with a jug now so she doesn’t have to deal with the noise. She still asks me not to wash my hair but she has ways to cope with it.

[lapis_lazuli]

0xalis,

There isn't a right or wrong here. As you said, you're under huge stress right now, and it would be hard to feel certain in any decision. Whatever you settle on, it will be okay. There's pros and cons on both sides of this, and if right now it feels a buzzcut will relieve even a little of that stress, that's a more than good enough reason to go ahead.

As I understood it, your sensory issues are exacerbated by the current stress and once that recedes (hopefully as baby gets older), long hair would feel more manageable again. In that case, it's not a bad idea to go back to buzzed for a while, and when life is a little more stable, you grow out again. You would have to tolerate that awkward stage, I know, but I'm sure you could conquer it as you have before.

I do empathize with you not liking how you look with your head shaved; that must feel really conflicting. I can hazard some suggestions for getting hair out of the way (and sorry if you've already tried them!) Could you do braids as a more comfortable alternative to updos? If you can french braid, you could even tuck it up and under. And this may not be practical as an everyday thing, but I sometimes just throw my hair into a silk cap and wear that around the house. It gets it all out of my face and out of my mind for a while. Maybe head scarves could be something to look into?

[oldrocker]

Oxie....long time no talk....and I am a little trepidatious [sic] of even entering this discussion, but I was along the ride with you this last time growing out.

while I obviously cannot talk with any knowledge about hormones/feelings as a mom, especially post partum as the family I inherited, the youngest was 5, the 'logical' thing in my mind may not be anywhere near correct...but what the hell....my 2cents.

I remember the hopes you had going through all those awkward stages a while back....but could detect the true desire that you wanted your hair long enough to make you happy. Before having the baby, you seemed to be getting into that zone. I don't remember you talking about not 'liking' the way you looked when you were shaved, but apparently that is a major issue...as along with a lot of other people, we are our own worst critics, especially when it comes to our own self-perception.

I don't want to come across as being some arse who 'tells' you not to cut....you obviously have to do exactly what is best for you all around. it does seem that you are too close to the situation to know what you feel when it comes to the long term aspirations.....obviously a no-win situation for the most part(damned if you do, damned if you don't)

I would wonder if there are alternative situations that you haven't thought about (on a par with bringing the baby near the shower...etc...)? I doubt the baby sleeps through the night, but are there periods when she is asleep for a while? Could you sneak in a shower during this time on a semi-regular basis.

also, the hair up, hair down, and worrying about how greasy,etc... it is is likely compounded by how you think of it. could a simple thing like wearing a baseball style cap with a pony out the back get it out of the way where you wouldn't be touching it constantly,etc....I have seen some that even have a hole near the top which might further take it out of mind to worry about.

Just trying to think outside the box. I worry if you shave again, there will be the double whammy of you not liking how it looks(with the attendant dislike of going out), as well as the 'fear...for lack of a better word', of going through the uncomfortable stage to get where you like the look. You obviously have a lot of stress that unfortunately, those of us with extra mental baggage go through, doesn't help with making a decision one way or the other.

I hope you can find some neutral ground or the patience to hopefully get through this stressful period and that you can come out the other side with your beautiful soul still intact.

Sincerely, your LHC buddy,
O.R.

[embee]

This is something I've done in winter because then I cannot deal with long wet hair: I put my hair up in a bun/topknot. Cover that with a plastic bag tucked in around it. When in the shower, rinse the scalp. If you must, you could even carefully wash the edges of your scalp, rinsing well under the shower. Then most of the hair stays dry, and there's hardly any extra time involved at all.

I'd be reluctant to cut now that hormones are all upset, as others have said. It's a temporary stressful situation.

[MusicalSpoons]

You have my sympathy, sensory issues can make life exceptionally difficult. Throw in extra hormones and I can only try to imagine how difficult things must be right now.

Ultimately if you can't find ways of reducing the stress from having long hair, the main question is probably one of weighing up the relief you'll get, against the impact it would have in your self-esteem and how you'll feel going through all the awkward stages to get back to APL where you feel happy with the length again. That's a calculation only you can make, obviously,

The one thing that crosses my mind, would a quick water rinse help with the sensory feel of not freshly-washed hair? Or even an acidic rinse matching the pH of scalp.

I don't know. But this is also something you should discuss thoroughly with your partner if you haven't already - if it turns out they really honestly don't mind having the baby crying while you wash your hair as often as necessary because they want you still to be able to do what you need to to keep happy and sane, then perhaps you may no longer feel it's quite such a problem. But if your partner feels the same way as you, then at least you'll know for absolutely certain

Obviously if you have to do it, then I hope it works out well and the relief outweighs the drawbacks! Whichever you decide, all the best to you

[0xalis]

Thank you all so much! I read every comment. There are so many now that the idea of replying to everyone individually sounds overwhelming so I'll just address everyone...

I washed my hair today after making this post. Having freshly washed hair always alleviates most of my annoyance with it. It still obviously gets in the way and tickles my face lol, but it's so much less frustrating.

The reason it takes an hour for my wash day showers is mostly because I get distracted by how pleasant showering is. I also do a thorough detangling while I'm conditioning. I think I'm hyperbolizing when I say an hour, I think most of the time it's more like 40 minutes, but I still take ridiculously long showers. That's why it feels unfair for me to do it so many times a week, because showering feels so decadent to me.

I guess it doesn't help that I've internalized this idea that I'm supposed to give up everything for my kid and be miserable until she's off to kindergarten... But that's actually dumb because we take the best care of our kids when our own needs are properly met.

To be honest, the last time I had a buzz cut I actually wasn't that bothered by my appearance. I just dread the idea of going back because the one time I tried a dress on when my hair was buzzed I absolutely hated it and it made me feel... Dysphoric? And the vast majority of my clothes currently are dresses. Now that I've finally had longer hair again for the first time in ages I feel like it's be a much harder adjustment. Last time I went from a pixie to a buzz, so it wasn't quite as extreme. I've actually had buzz cuts so many times that I've lost count. So I know I wouldn't completely hate it... I just know that if I did shave my head and then I looked back on pictures of myself from now on good hair days I'd get really self conscious and jealous of myself because I'm so much "prettier" with long hair. Every time I have short hair that's what happens lol.

I'm also really attached to the progress I've made. This is the closest I've gotten to getting my hair back to the length it was when I did my first major chop on my 11th birthday. I had gone from somewhere between waist and hip to a chin length bob. My hair has never been that long since, it's been 14 years! If I keep growing I would be SO close to waist length by this time next year, as my hair seems to grow 7" per year like clockwork.

Honestly it could go either way. Shaving my head would be an opportunity to practice self acceptance and to bask in the convenience and sensory pleasure of short fuzzy hair. Continuing to grow would be an opportunity to practice patience and perseverance while continuing to look the way I feel the most like myself.

I think I will be fine either way. There are pros and cons to both choices. For now I will keep my hair and if I change my mind then I'll let you all know. I will always be a long hair enthusiast even when my own hair isn't, so I'll probably still be around regardless!

Again, thank you all for taking the time to weigh in <3

[MusicalSpoons]

Regarding getting distracted in the shower, I've certainly been there! Would perhaps alarms at certain (generous) intervals help to remind you that time is ticking by and it's time to move on to the next step? My brother listens to music (don't know how he hears it above the shower noise!) and knows that if he's not washing his hair by a certain point then he's taking 'too long'.

"we take the best care of our kids when our own needs are properly met" absolutely true, such an important thing to remember

[lapushka]

Regarding getting distracted in the shower, I've certainly been there! Would perhaps alarms at certain (generous) intervals help to remind you that time is ticking by and it's time to move on to the next step? My brother listens to music (don't know how he hears it above the shower noise!) and knows that if he's not washing his hair by a certain point then he's taking 'too long'.

"we take the best care of our kids when our own needs are properly met" absolutely true, such an important thing to remember

Maybe it would stress 0xalis out? But if not, I say that is a great piece of advice right there. Setting a cooking alarm for instance, next to the shower! That would do it. It would keep your mind more focused, perhaps, because it ticks (if it doesn't annoy you LOL) and it makes you conscious that minutes in there are precious.

[Bat]

Yeah the issue is that she cries really hard when I leave. Doesn't feel fair to the baby or my partner to give myself spa days 3x a week. I still take rinse-off non-hair-wash showers about every other day.
Ironically I'm more worried about putting off shaving my head and then doing it and regretting not doing it sooner... weird right?
And yeah I am worried I'm taking out a need for change out on my hair... but it really is genuinely causing problems that would be solved by not having any




Don't worry, not too much text at all!
Yeah unfortunately I hate dry shampoo, and I do already wear my hair up most of the time. I don't enjoy having to, it can hurt when I take it down wearing it down is comfortable but inconvenient.
I've done CO before but it can exacerbate the itchy scalp!

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate the advice and empathy!

You need the downtime every now and again even as a new parent or you'll burn out. You can try make it twice a week instead of three or bring her into the bathroom while you shower, or record a video of yourself talking so she can still hear your voice it could help

But if you need to you can always grow it back when she's older

[Iyashikei]

Fellow autistic person here, so I get what you mean. I read you made your decision already and even though I don't really know the situation as well as you I think it was the right one. The video recording suggested by Bat is a great idea. I would suggest taking the baby with you while you shower.