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Thread: So irritated with my mom today

  1. #1
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    Default So irritated with my mom today

    My dd's hair is coming in and it is VERY curly. I've been doing a lot of research about curly hair and I've been doing my best to learn how to take care of it. Well after her bath at night I just pat it dry a little and scrunch the curls up. Its not really long enough to tangle at this point so no need for combing or anything. Usually in the morning her head is just a frizz ball and I have to fix it but this morning the curls were still perfect. I loved them.

    Well my mom comes over and she was helping me get the girls ready to go out to lunch and she brushes Allie's hair . I was so mad. She's like I was just trying to fix it. I know she doesnt mean any harm but how can I make her realize that Allie's curls are beautiful? I admit that they can get a bit wild at times but she really has cute hair. I just dont want Allie growing up hating her hair (or anything about herself really).

    I love my mom to death and she is a wonderful mom and grandma but I really believe a large part of my low self esteem was learned from her not appreciating her own beauty. I have been working really hard to feel beautiful and be a good healthy example to my kids. I just worry when my mom does little things like this she may not mean any harm but over time Allie is going to start taking those things to heart. She already walks around saying "allie has crazy hair." b/c thats what my mom calls it.

    Sorry for the long rambling. I love my mom and I dont want her to hurt her feelings but I want her to love the way the girls look the way nature intended.

  2. #2
    Member lora410's Avatar
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    Just chalk it up as she doesn't know better, spritz her hair damp and then just apply a little oil. And voilà problem fixes or you could just hide the hairbrush
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    Member Iylivarae's Avatar
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    Have you tried talking to your mom? Maybe she just doesn't know what she is doing...



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    The Lucky Ducky squiggyflop's Avatar
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    spray a bit of water on your daughters riah and scrunch a bit wind the curls around your pinky and they will be perfect again.. tell your mom you love the curls and that they dont need to be brushed
    Last edited by squiggyflop; May 1st, 2008 at 01:53 PM. Reason: i wrote riah instead of hair..oops
    can i call this classic length

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    Member walkinglady's Avatar
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    Could you use the word crazy in a positive way? Example, "Allie has beautiful, crazy, curly hair and I love it!" Say it with an upbeat voice. Before long Allie will be thinking and saying it as well. Make sure and tell your mom you want to teach your children to cherish and take care of what God gave them. You could even tell her about the research you've been doing to enhance all those beautiful curls! Best wishes and try not to let mom get under your skin, sometimes we say things the wrong way.

  6. #6

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    I would recommend talking to your mother and stressing how you feel and all the stuff you have researched.

  7. #7
    Member paulap20's Avatar
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    I understand where you are coming from. My daughter usually comes back from my parents with wild hair that has been knotted and brushed through. I have tried to tell her to use lots of conditioner etc but not sure if she is.
    DD is 4 with almost waist length hair. Pretty straight compared to my somewhat curly hair.

  8. #8

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    Grandparents will be grandparents. Just fix it when something has been done to it. Is it really THAT needed to make a big deal out of it if it is fixable? At least she didn't cut it

    Mom likely doesn't even understand all the hair stuff

  9. #9

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    These issues are always dicey. I don't think your mother is purposefully being ornary. I think she sees herself as helpful.

    I'm wondering if there's a way you can couch the discussion in a framework of appreciating her and her assistance. Whatever you choose to say, I don't recommend coming across that you don't appreciate her efforts.

    ETA: I mean, I wouldn't be critical as in, Mom I don't want you brushing her hair. I'm wondering if there's an almost humorous approach you could use, too. But whatever you say, if you say something at all, I recommend making sure the focus is about what a great Grandma she is. Asking for help is always a great way to handle things.

    I think that some version of what you wrote here would be good. I wouldn't recommend going in to all this hair care stuff since, even if you do, she'll likely still do what she thinks is right or proper or looks better.

    I would focus on how helpful she is and can she help you in one more small matter by being positive about the hair, even the crazy hair. What's the tone this is being said with, by the way? IF it's fun-loving, then I wouldn't sweat it overly. IF it's critical, then yeah, maybe that's a problem.

    My bet is she too has little-to-no experience with curly hair. Parents of such kids, when the parents don't have experience with such a hair type, often try to apply their ideas of how they care for their hair to this hair type, and it takes the kids decades to figure a workable solution, if ever.

    You could then, under the guise of helping you, request not to brush the hair. And there you are.

    I would think about your goal, your aim, what result you're seeking. Do you want cooperation on the hair care and language about the hair? If yes, then focus on how to get that, and usually, complimenting and asking for help is the best method. Do you want to air your personal grievance with her about how she may have contributed to your feelings about your own self esteem? IF yes, that's a different issue and not part of your daughter's hair -- it's just that this situation is pressing that button. That will likely be more confrontational, then, and you won't be getting cooperation per se on your daughter's hair.

    IF you want to discuss both, I recommend separate conversations somehow, and really watch the tone, body language, and be sure to make plenty of room for her to show up and share her side. Otherwise she may just poo-poo your viewpoint and call you silly somehow as a defensive tactic. At a certain point in our lives, we are responsible for how we feel about things. Also it's my general understanding that mothers already feel guilty enough and plopping another one on that kinda questions her mothering skills would not be a good method for either conversation.

    It just all depends on what you want, what you can let go of to get what you want, and the priorities you have for each matter.

    heidi w.
    Last edited by heidi w.; May 1st, 2008 at 04:17 PM.

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  10. #10
    Persistent Procrastinator teela1978's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by eadwine View Post
    Grandparents will be grandparents. Just fix it when something has been done to it. Is it really THAT needed to make a big deal out of it if it is fixable? At least she didn't cut it

    Mom likely doesn't even understand all the hair stuff
    I think this is probably the best approach. So grandma brushes it a bit, most curly girls know that they have crazy hair when brushed. Eventually Allie will get old enough to say "DON'T brush my hair grandma" till then she'll have some funky days when visiting the grandparents.

    I don't have kids, but I've found that when dealing with my mom on other issues she really doesn't appreciate being told how to do things by me. She is the mother and therefore always right in her mind. An occasional brushing is not going to cause too much harm, and probably isn't worth the aggravation that bringing it up causes.

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