Dealing with hair mediocrity

[diamond_storm]

Hi everyone! I've been MIA around here for a while now due to life's craziness...

I'm struggling with some self-confidence issues about my hair recently, and I'm curious to know if anyone else has similar feelings.

I expend so much effort and time caring for my hair. It's around waist-length right now, and I feel like it's very healthy. I do protective styles daily, sleep in a bonnet, use lovely hair care products (thanks, NightBlooming ), gently handle and comb it, trim it every few months, never use heat... The list goes on.

But despite the loving care, it just always seems so mediocre. I see women in public all the time with incredibly beautiful, long hair. It's heat styled. It's dyed. They likely comb and brush it without excessive care. Despite all my dedication, their hair is so much longer and so much more beautiful than my own. My hair falls so flat (literally, lol) compared to theirs. That sounds like jealousy, but it's more that it's frustrating my own hair doesn't look nicer after all the effort (I'm super happy for those lovely ladies and their pretty hair!).

My hair is very, very fine. It's always been this way. I have to dye it with henna for it to be able to grow without breaking. My hair is thick, which I think is its saving grace. I also have 1b hair, which, in my opinion, is just a really difficult hair type. It's straight, but not straight enough to be silky. No amount of manipulation can bring out any discernible wave or body (besides overnight braids, which are my go-to). Nope—it's got just enough body to frizz. I'll add some photos of the hair issues at the end of this post.

Speaking of frizz, that's something new. Despite my hair's issues, I never had frizz before. That changed after I had my one-year-old; now I have this strange halo of frizz right at the back of my head. These hairs look like new growth because the ends are tapered. And they flip and jut right out, looking odd against my otherwise straight hair. Perhaps it's postpartum regrowth? I don't think it's breakage because I don't notice any splits. And I don't do anything that would cause breakage in that area.

My hair is healthy. It has few split ends (the ones it does have I think are just unavoidable for my hair type). Yet it clings together and looks stringy. If I comb one section of hair, the first one will have already tangled back up by the time I'm done combing out the second one.

I'm just at a loss. This probably sounds like a big pity party—and yeah, it kind of is. But more than that, I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way. I've always struggled with my hair. I'm wondering if I should just give up the long hair journey. What's the point of all the gentle care if my hair is going to look bad anyway? If you've had these feelings, how'd you get past them?

Also, does anyone have tips for caring for 1b hair? Do you have any ideas on solving these issues I'm having with my hair, or do I just need to accept its characteristics? I tried searching the forums, but I couldn't really find anything.


The frizz halo around the back of my head:



I can coax the frizz halo into actual short strands like this:



My hair's default state. Random small hairs sticking out everywhere, ends look crunchy despite being freshly trimmed and "healthy." I just combed it and immediately put it up, but it still looks stringy:



See-through ends despite being healthy and receiving frequent trims. My hair looks thin, but it isn't. I don't get it:

[Bri-Chan]

Hi, I am very sorry to read that you feel this way. For what I see what I can think of is a change of texture + the new growth, giving life to some frizz. Maybe you're more in the 1c/2a spectrum and it behaves differently than straight hair.

And for what I can see, your hair don't look as thin as you say, to me it looks like "normal" hair. And heat styling can hide damage very well, so don't think those women's hair looks as put together when natural.

[Kat]

Unfortunately, nice hair can be just as much about the luck of the draw for genetics as it is about care. Some people simply have super-smooth hair... and some of us don't. It's not anything you're doing wrong, it's just, unfortunately, the way your hair naturally is. You are doing the best you can, and may never be chased down the street and begged to do a Pantene commercial, but you are doing what you can for your hair and that's what matters.

[Nefcerka]

I am sorry you are feeling like this, diamond_storm. Your hair IS beautiful. Seriously.

I agree with Bri-chan, to me it looks like your hair might be trying to be wavy. Maybe you could try some wavy-girl routine (if you have the time/if you wish)? Sometimes a little bit of good leave-in wave-enhancing product applied to damp hair is all it takes to make hair look instantly better.

(I had thought my hair was 1b, but it was always kind of frizzy, and with some styling gel/mousse I can get some very loose but pretty "beach waves", even without using heat or anything else.)

I had dealt with similar feelings too. I took the best care of my baby-fine hair, it grows quickly (its only redeeming quality) and I got to almost TBL when I could not stand how thin it looked, how thin it´s always going to be and I...cut it. I might sometimes miss the length, but I do not miss how my hair looks when long. Now I am focused on enjoying my hair, wearing it down as often as I please (I never wore it down when long, too afraid of damage and it got stuck everywhere) and I am trying to find a length where it is long enough to be still fun while being decently thick.

You don´t need to compare your hair to anyone else´s. Really, it is beautiful. When I see someone with truly enviable hair, it is usually the fact that they won the jackpot in the genetic lottery (very, very rare) or it is fake/artificial (very often).

[Bri-Chan]

I am sorry you are feeling like this, diamond_storm. Your hair IS beautiful. Seriously.

I agree with Bri-chan, to me it looks like your hair might be trying to be wavy. Maybe you could try some wavy-girl routine (if you have the time/if you wish)? Sometimes a little bit of good leave-in wave-enhancing product applied to damp hair is all it takes to make hair look instantly better.

(I had thought my hair was 1b, but it was always kind of frizzy, and with some styling gel/mousse I can get some very loose but pretty "beach waves", even without using heat or anything else.)

I had dealt with similar feelings too. I took the best care of my baby-fine hair, it grows quickly (its only redeeming quality) and I got to almost TBL when I could not stand how thin it looked, how thin it´s always going to be and I...cut it. I might sometimes miss the length, but I do not miss how my hair looks when long. Now I am focused on enjoying my hair, wearing it down as often as I please (I never wore it down when long, too afraid of damage and it got stuck everywhere) and I am trying to find a length where it is long enough to be still fun while being decently thick.

You don´t need to compare your hair to anyone else´s. Really, it is beautiful. When I see someone with truly enviable hair, it is usually the fact that they won the jackpot in the genetic lottery (very, very rare) or it is fake/artificial (very often).

Yes, it's very easy, really just some leave in (and no brush after wash) could improve it a lot.

[spidermom]

The first word that popped into my mind from your photos was not "mediocre", for what it's worth. I like how dark it is. I love the hat and that photo in general. I would say that you are like me; we are our own worst critics. I have a cloud of frizz that looks like it belongs on someone with curly hair. The rest of my hair is merely wavy; it's like a whole separate head of hair that pops up when I braid or bun the rest. I hate it.

It sounds like you're doing the right things for a goal of long, healthy hair. I think it's pretty. Enjoy it! The day you don't enjoy it, go in a different direction. Lately I've been missing being able to curl my hair with my hot rollers; it's too long and heavy. So I've decided to go a little shorter every time I see my stylist until it will hold a curl for more than an hour. After that, who knows?

[Rainbouu]

My best friends hair is pretty similar to yours, but past the ears can become beautiful ringlets; if you want I'll ask more about his haircare... because he's cycled through so many products every few months, I honestly can't make heads or tails of his routine, heehee! It was always straight with a hint of a wave when we were kids, so there does seem to be some chance of enhancing your slight wave into defined ones, ringlets, or even curls, even when you think you've tried everything.

This same friend often complains to me about frizz, but I can only remember one time where I could even see what he was referring to and imagine why it was undesirable. From your photo, I'm guessing everybody but yourself doesn't pay much mind to your frizz.

I think a good first step is to stop treating "frizzy" as a dirty word. There's actually nothing wrong with, or unhealthy about, frizzy hair on its own. It is the same as skin having visible pores even though you don't have acne; skin isn't porcelain no matter how much we tell ourselves it ought to be. It's skin. I used to wish my hair looked like anything but itself. It was only when I stopped looking at it and saying "dull, flat, thin, stringy, oily" that suddenly I started to feel my hair was pretty. Now I wouldn't trade mine for anyone else's, even though it isn't perfect. Find something you like about your hair first. For me, it's how soft it is. With good care, it feels just like my satin pillows.

Everyone deserves such a nice compliment to motivate them; think long and hard about one to give to yourself!

Anyway, its ok to admit your hair isnt at your goal as long as youre not also putting it down. When I have some stray puffy/frizzy hairs that bother me, I split one drop of hair oil between my hands and use it to wet and slick down just those hairs as much as possible, but my hair is more 1a, so perhaps you'd need a heavier product.

Have you tried Aloe Vera gel, smoothing creams, or oil blends with a cream consistency? My hair is fine and not coarse, but it is thick, and those things have worked well for me in the past when my ends were chronically dry and crunchy.

[diamond_storm]

Hi everyone! Apologies for my belated reply; I've been enjoying birthday festivities with my little one thank you all for your responses! I'm only going to reply to a few people since I'm on my phone and it's hard to navigate the forum (husband is watching Netflix on my laptop right now, haha). But I appreciate you all's kind comments and advice so much!!!

Hi, I am very sorry to read that you feel this way. For what I see what I can think of is a change of texture + the new growth, giving life to some frizz. Maybe you're more in the 1c/2a spectrum and it behaves differently than straight hair.

Oh that's so interesting... I once had a hairdresser tell me my hair is the type where individual strands will wave and curl a bit, but that I could never get an actual curl or wave pattern (then she made a comment about how it will always be hard to deal with and not look very great--how nice lol). My hairs often have a squiggly S shape at the very ends, especially when damp.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, diamond_storm. Your hair IS beautiful. Seriously.

I agree with Bri-chan, to me it looks like your hair might be trying to be wavy. Maybe you could try some wavy-girl routine (if you have the time/if you wish)? Sometimes a little bit of good leave-in wave-enhancing product applied to damp hair is all it takes to make hair look instantly better.

(I had thought my hair was 1b, but it was always kind of frizzy, and with some styling gel/mousse I can get some very loose but pretty "beach waves", even without using heat or anything else.)

You don´t need to compare your hair to anyone else´s. Really, it is beautiful. When I see someone with truly enviable hair, it is usually the fact that they won the jackpot in the genetic lottery (very, very rare) or it is fake/artificial (very often).

Thank you so much. This was really nice to read

That's so true about hair possibly being fake. My mom mentioned that today when I brought this up. I will have to try a wavy girl routine to see if I get any good results!!

My best friends hair is pretty similar to yours, but past the ears can become beautiful ringlets; if you want I'll ask more about his haircare... because he's cycled through so many products every few months, I honestly can't make heads or tails of his routine, heehee! It was always straight with a hint of a wave when we were kids, so there does seem to be some chance of enhancing your slight wave into defined ones, ringlets, or even curls, even when you think you've tried everything.

Have you tried Aloe Vera gel, smoothing creams, or oil blends with a cream consistency? My hair is fine and not coarse, but it is thick, and those things have worked well for me in the past when my ends were chronically dry and crunchy.

It would be so great if you could ask him--thanks very much! I so love wavy hair; it would be a lovely surprise if I could coax some waves out of mine!

I love using Nightblooming's oil blends to smooth the frizz and flyaways! I sometimes put it on the ends too, and it does help. I haven't tried any with a cream consistency. Do you have any you recommend?

[Rainbouu]

It would be so great if you could ask him--thanks very much! I so love wavy hair; it would be a lovely surprise if I could coax some waves out of mine!

I love using Nightblooming's oil blends to smooth the frizz and flyaways! I sometimes put it on the ends too, and it does help. I haven't tried any with a cream consistency. Do you have any you recommend?

I'll ask him what his trick is and try to report back tomorrow!

My personal favorite is the Mane Choice Heavenly Halo Herbal Hair Tonic & Soy Milk Deep Hydration Softening Milk (a mouthful of a name!). I have also tried the Shea Moisture Daily Hydration Leave-In, though prefer that on just my ends as it has coconut oil in it, it is rather heavy. I have not actually tried this third one yet but want to; the Creme of Nature Argan Oil Leave in Conditioner. It's a much more liquid consistency than the other two, but it has an interesting consistency where, when left alone, the oils separate and a layer of white "cream" rises to the top! You shake it up before you put it on. It's really fun lol, I get bored in the cosmetics shop where I work, and I go shake the nail polishes and natural leave ins lol.

Heaviness wise it goes Creme of Nature, Mane Choice, Shea Moisture, from thinnest to thickest consistency. I mention that cuz as a finey it matters to me, personally. :P But these are all of the oil blends that have a creamy consistency that I know of. There's something about the fluffiness of it that seems to really work for my hair. I used to be unable to get a braid wave to hold, but add some of an oil cream and boom! I can have slight braid waves for one day.

[SandyBottom]

You've received some really helpful advice above and I want to say that your hair is beautiful...for real. I love how dark it is and its gentle wave. You've been a member here for 9 years (happy almost LHC anniversary!). Maybe doing a new hair typing pic/check-up would help. I really like what Rainbouu said about frizz. I've learned to embrace mine and stop trying to smooth it down and make it glossy. That's just not me. That took a long time because I always thought I had "straight" hair. It's what people told me and I thought, "The straighter, the better." An unfortunate salon experience taught me I have wavy hair-2c!