really long, rambling rant

[Ohio Sky]

My BF has said before that he likes long, thick hair, and so do I (duh) and Im trying to grow it long and thick but its a bit of a PITA. Lots of experimenting and stuff.

Anyways, he told me last night that he wants me to go back to boxed dyes because my hair smells like hay. I dont necessarily like the smell either but I dont henna that often and it only smells for a little while... not to mention that my hair is no longer falling out in chunks and my scalp isnt hurting anymore. Thats more important than a mild hay smell to me...

He acts like my hair is an inconvenience to him, even though I never henna or anything like that unless hes not at home.
I try to not even tell him what I do with my hair because I know he thinks its stupid but I feel like he criticizes (sp?) me for caring about what I look like, which, as you all know, is not always what having long hair is all about.

I know Im overly self conscious and he probably didnt mean much by it but it hurt my feelings. He tells me all the time that I take things too personally, and I know Im terribly insecure, etc. We discuss it all the time, and if he knows this, why would he still say things to insult me?
Im so frusterated.

But, on an up note, Im really starting to enjoy my hair and Im not going to let him take that away from me.

Thanks for letting me rant

[oogie]

wow.

I honestly can say that I actually understand what you're saying. He asks for one thing and then once you get to giving it to him, he doesn't want it anymore. Such is love... :sigh:

If you are happy with it, then that's what is ultimately important. You can add some sort of scent to it I'm sure to defray the smell of henna if you want to. At least it only SMELLS like hay and doesn't feel like it. (Look at the positives)

All i can say is be true to yourself. Hope things get better for you soon.

[SHELIAANN1969]

Tell him that since your hair smells like hay it fits perfectly because he is acting like a Horses rear end!!! ha ha

Maybe he will get used to the outdoorsy smell, either way he will either get used to it or get over it!!


I guess I am just lucky my bf is a sweetie, he actually applies my henna for me, the last application we couldnt find any gloves and he still has red/orange hands and nails!! (he is so good to me)

[lora410]

What if you add EO to your henna mix? Some men just don't understand why we do the things we do. I would have said sure if you want me to be bald and my hair falling our in clumps ill go back to boxed dye, but if not I suggest you deal with the "slight" hay smell. Then again I am a little mouthy My fiancee though accepts everything I do to my hair even if it stinks. hey i got him using neem oil on his ouchies and it works great. He says whatever makes me happy is all that matters.

[Ohio Sky]

oogie, you nailed it! I always feel like hes hinting at things he wants, but wont ask me outright, but then if I do it, he has something to say about that too. He has something to say about everything, but its always subtle, so that when I say something about it, he can say Im just being defensive because its not like he yelled at me or anything. It almost seems like some kind of power game. Im not sure what to do about it.

Sheliaann, youre so lucky. I dont think my bf would ever do that for me. I dont think I would even be able to get him to comb it for me, lol.

[Ohio Sky]

Lora, you always reply to my frusterated posts. Thanks
Have you found any EOs that take away henna smell? Cuz I havent... cloves helped a bit, but then my hair smelled like cloves, and he said something about that too.

[Lamb]

Anyways, he told me last night that he wants me to go back to boxed dyes because my hair smells like hay.

He acts like my hair is an inconvenience to him

I know he thinks its stupid but I feel like he criticizes (sp?) me for caring about what I look like

OhioSky, please take a look at the three phrases I took from your rant. Your BF said one thing - that your hair smells like hay and if you went back to box dye, it probably wouldn't. From this simple, specific (and, to my mind, harmless) remark you draw a plethora of very general conclusions: that he is critical of you caring for your appearance (how could that be true since he explicitly prefers long hair on you??), that he acts as if your hair is inconveniencing him (again, if he likes long hair, how on earth could that be true?). That is not very fair, nor is it logical. Don't jump to conclusions too soon.

I know Im overly self conscious and he probably didnt mean much by it but it hurt my feelings. He tells me all the time that I take things too personally, and I know Im terribly insecure, etc.

Well, perhaps you do have a tendency to take remarks too seriously?

We discuss it all the time, and if he knows this, why would he still say things to insult me?

But what if he did not say things to insult you? If you both know you tend to overreact, does it not follow that you, too, should reconsider your own reactions? It won't help if your BF just "shuts up" - it will not cure your insecurity or self-consciousness. You can help yourself by being aware of your patterns of thought, and by making yourself rethink situations which make you feel insulted or criticized. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill!

Im really starting to enjoy my hair and Im not going to let him take that away from me.

That's really great! But please, please tell me why do you think that your BF wants to take this away from you??? It just doesn't make sense from what you have written.

ETA: I just realized I sound as though I was trying to "put the blame on you" for the way you feel. No, no, that is not my intention at all! But sometimes it helps to reconsider our own reactions to a situation before we concentrate on the situation itself. That was all I wanted to say. Hugs to you, and by all means stick to the routine which makes your hair healthy.

[Ohio Sky]

Lamb, thanks for your honesty. This is just one example of things he has said, but I know I do blow things out of proportion, and little comments like that bother me more than they should. Ive gotten to the point where I dont say anything most of the time, because usually if I think about it for a while I can picture how the conversation would go and I get over it.

But, at the same time, it seems like the more I dont say anything, the more he does say stuff, and its not just my hair, it is in everything I do. He has something to say all the time, from me not washing the dishes after cooking him dinner at 9:00 at night, to watering the plants outside when he just watered the day before. They looked thirsty!
It bothers me that he never has anything positive to say. If he gave me a compliment every once in a while maybe I wouldnt feel so down when he said something a little less than complimentary.

And also, I have no idea why, but I was never this self conscious before I was with him. A little, yeah, but not to where I would burst into tears over someone telling me my hair smelled like hay. I dont know why

I know youre right in what youre said, though, its just that theres more to it and I cant figure it out.
I figured I should rant here instead of at him.
Thanks for listening

[Lamb]

Okay that explains. I'm so sorry about this - it seems there is a lot of tension inside you, and most of it can be due to unsolved, unuttered conflicts within your relationship.
Seriously, if you do feel it is getting to be a "power game" as you said, you should definitely talk it over with him and take a good look at your relationship. Perhaps keeping a journal in which you record everything he says (and just the words!) could help him and you too see what really is going on. He may be so much less self-conscious than you that he doesn't even realize how he is coming across!

(sorry for this incoherent post - talk about rambling... )

[getoffmyskittle]

And also, I have no idea why, but I was never this self conscious before I was with him. A little, yeah, but not to where I would burst into tears over someone telling me my hair smelled like hay. I dont know why

To me, this seems like the biggest problem, and something you should probably think about.

Perhaps The Red Flag List will help you..? (And the list doesn't necessarily have to be about him, if YOU see things on it that you do, you can work on that too.)