Comparison is odious

[chen bao jun]

I have been thinking, as I read what people write here on LHC about their hair, how comparison screws many of us up.
Me and my sister are both well over 50 years old. She comes to me recently and informs me that she does not have thin hair. Apparently, she always thought she did. No one else thought so. However she decided that her hair must be thin during our childhood while watching the war that my mother waged with MY hair, which is not just thick but crazy thick and which mom had no idea how to handle, leaving us both in tears many many mornings (both me and mom) and ending with mom starting to have my hair straightened when I was 8 years old (very uncommon thing to do back then) because she was so fed up with the combs that broke in it, the brush handles that snapped, the barrettes that it ate and just the general total misery. Apparently, because mom could comb my sister's hair without drama and get her out to school, my sister decided that something was wrong with HER hair. Mom just was not saying anything about her hair because it wasn't a problem; she has beautiful hair and its easy to care for, which made mom happy.
and I spent a lot of my young adulthood being jealous of my sister because HER hair always looked perfect while mine was all over the place. yes, every one that mentioned my hair to me said, wow, its so thick. But everyone that mentioned her hair to her always said, It looks so nice.
and apparently hairdressers and others who have taken care of her hair for the past fifty years and haven't ever met me, always tell her that her hair is thick. Because it IS.
so she thought it was time that I realized that she also has thick hair, although I always knew that, apparently she was the only one who didn't know it. Because obviously we are in a competition. I guess she wants to break combs, too?
We humans are just really, really strange.
ETA: By the way, my 6 ft 4 inch brother is also known everywhere as the 'short one'. Because my other brother is 6 ft. 6. Same thing.

[Islandgrrl]

Comparison is just part of human nature, I think. I agree that it can be odious (what a fantastic word, eh?).

[blue_eyes]

Your post got me wondering how much of ourselves we perceive as 'bad' or 'wrong' because we are comparing it to someone else. I also agree, odious is the perfect word to describe it.

[Crumpet]

I know exactly what you mean. My parents encouraged comparisons between my brother and I and it has been terrible for our adult relationship.

As far as hair is concerned, I've often found it hard to just accept my own hair AND appreciate other types of hair. When I see beautiful hair different from mine, I start to compare. I'm trying to train myself out of it. I can love hair like yours (which I do, Chen!) and also love my own. Its a simple concept, but difficult to re-train the mind.

[embee]

Comparisons of personal qualities (real or just imagined) can be very painful and destructive because they often lead to envy - which eats the soul. Comparison that leads to envy or self-disgust is inded odious - and *so* dangerous.

Comparisons *can* be a good thing, too. A job I had: there was a worker whose work seemed to always look so neat and good, and she worked fast too. I watched and studied what she did, her results and my pile of mess.- and told her flat out that I was going to copy her, she seemed so good at what we were doing, I wanted to follow her example. She looked astonished - I guess nobody had said that to her before? What a shame!

[chen bao jun]

That makes sense, Embee. I agree that comparison can be constructive, too.
I actually misquoted the phrase which should be 'comparisons are odious', it's a quote or something that people use a lot.
I do think that a lot of the time people think they are just fine before they compare themselves to others. I think it is sad that me and my sister were stuck in this thing. Even if she did have thin hair, thin hair can be pretty but it is sad because her hair is definitely thick.

[DragonLady]

Count your lucky stars.

My parents insisted on treating all six of us kids EXACTLY the same. Despite the very obvious fact we were all very different.

To this day, my siblings and I can't stand each other. Our parents made life easy for themselves, but they drove wedges between us kids that can never be repaired.

[Stormynights]

My brother was always my mothers favorite and I was my dads. They would argue about which child was best in front of us. 'Surprisingly, we grew up very close.

[HazelBug]

My hair was compared to my sisters a lot. Mine was the "thin" hair and hers was the "thick" hair. She was wavy and medium. I was fine and straight. It actually turns out I have a thicker ponytail circumference than my sister at 3.5 inches vs 2 and 3/4ths inches. I felt for years that I had boring thin hair. But my hair was never in the thin category ever. It just turns out that wavy/curly hair is very different than straight hair.

[Rosa Harris]

Similar problem - my mom has luscious curls that love to just ringlet naturally and her hair is super puff-ball thick rich dark chocolate that she could do anything with and abuse endlessly and still get impressive growth at the same time where mine is super thin, fine and frizzy and mouse-ass brown (her term) (just recently discovered its actually curly - I'd been pulling out all the curl while it dried all these years). Mom was always trying to 'fix' my hair - she is a hairdresser - and that led to terrible disasters as well. the 80's was big-hair-curly-perm-peroxide time. The constant message was that something was wrong with MY hair and it needed fixing. That was never said but it was what I internalized. Going natural was a real mental challenge for me. I'm glad I did tho because my real hair is much prettier than the damage.