PDA

View Full Version : Lifestyle Hair Dilemma



Ginger Kitteh
August 2nd, 2012, 12:50 PM
Hi, this is my first thread starter on LHC and thank you ladies and gentlemen in advance for replies :).

I love my brother a lot. Last year, he experimented with dreadlocks and they were the best look for him. He was the only person on his college campus with naturally red dreadlocks (and they naturally curled on the ends!) For my Christmas present, he did my hair in dreadlocks. I loved them. They felt really thick and I didn't have to worry about hair fall because the hair does not ever escape the dreadlocks. I never had to style them either, just smooth them down in the morning. I got so many compliments on them and how my brother and I looked like twins. It really made me feel connected to him in that way, that he had done my hair himself.

However, this was not to last. I told my fiance who was away at his college about them (at the time, my brother, my fiance, and I all went to different schools). He immediately objected to the idea. I hadn't expected this because he doesn't really have much of an opinion on my hair or choice of clothes unless it is really bizarre. We had grown up together and he had seen my hair in various styles over the years before and after we were dating. He said he couldn't help that he found them unattractive, and that it reminded him of Whoopi Goldberg in the picture I sent him. He *never* says things like that. Mortified, I got in the shower that evening and put gobs and gobs of conditioner in the dreads and combed each one out.

My siblings and I were not very pleased, but my fiance was sure glad to come home to my regular hair. I've tried things with my hair for the same feeling of satisfaction with it, but nothing has pleased me like having matching hair with my brother, and being able to do fun things with it like put beads and add extensions to the ends which will never fall out.

I have put this in the back of my mind for about eight months now. What is causing me to reconsider is that my brother and I are now going to the same school, and this winter when our hair gains another few inches (he cut his off to grow them back neater), he wants to get them again with me. Plus, I want to and last night one of my friends was going through my Facebook photos and telling me that my hair looked its best when it was in dreads.

So what do I give up? Attractiveness to my fiance or my desire to get dreadlocks? I can always remove the dreads for a professional job in the future if necessary, but I don't really want to be found unattractive by the only person whose opinion on that really matter to me. Might he get used to this?:

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/717/lhcs.jpg/

Ginger Kitteh
August 2nd, 2012, 12:51 PM
Oh, here's the picture:

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/717/lhcs.jpg/

long&blonde
August 2nd, 2012, 01:08 PM
I Love, love, love Dreadlocks. Loving them, I'm very aware of others opinions of them. There seems to be serious, very serious attitude of the majority, against Dreads, of an intensity that doesn't seem as if it'd change. I love the thought of you and your brother getting them together, of him doing your's. It seems as if certain "free spirit" type personalities love Dreads. Could it be a deal breaker for you, Dreads instead of the fiance? Find someone who will love you Dreds and all? Tough question. I personally don't think Dreads are a style that grows on others. They love or hate them.

sakuraemily
August 2nd, 2012, 01:10 PM
I'm sure your fiance is a wonderful person but I don't like the way he's reacting to your dreads. Surely by now it shouldn't matter what you do with your hair. I'd keep the dreads if I liked them but maybe I'd take them off once in a while if pacifying him was that important.
You surely wouldn't throw a fit if he suddenly decided to go bald or grow long hair or whatever would be a drastic thing for him to do, would you?

sakuraemily
August 2nd, 2012, 01:15 PM
oops! double post!

kitekats
August 2nd, 2012, 01:22 PM
Red dreads always look good with a nice, straight and tidy fringe(classmate's hair- gorgeous:) )

kitekats
August 2nd, 2012, 01:24 PM
Go with dreadlocks, fiance's comes and goes (no offense), but brother- almost piece of your own flesh &blood is only one:) And you can always cut them off later:p

Madora
August 2nd, 2012, 01:25 PM
Perhaps you could speak with your boyfriend and ask him why he doesn't like your hair in dreads.

Bottom line: what is more important? Having dreads, or displeasing your boyfriend (and perhaps losing him, if he feels strongly about the dreads).

LadyLongLocks
August 2nd, 2012, 01:34 PM
You answered it yourself "I don't really want to be found unattractive by the only person whose opinion on that really matter to me."
You have to do what makes YOU happy though. Good luck :)

brave
August 2nd, 2012, 01:39 PM
Frankly, I'm not a fan of dreads on all but a few hair types. The picture doesn't appeal to me, really, so I can see it from your fiance's point of view. It doesn't mean they're not pretty on you, it's just not my thing and it seems like it's not his either.

However, how often do you see him? How viable is it to just have them in when you're both at different colleges? You're at one of the last stages in your life where there aren't any consequences to styling your hair however you like and I definitely don't think you should miss out on it. But your fiance can't help his aesthetics. Personally I'd hope he's able to at least ignore and deal with it but you might have to come to terms with the fact that he won't ever like it. And that's ok. I know what my boyfriend finds most attractive in terms of hair, and I choose not to do my hair that way because it's not what I like best. He's fine with it and if your fiance can't reach the level of at least accepting dreads, that's a potentially large problem.

Amber_Maiden
August 2nd, 2012, 02:03 PM
Do you have a pic of yourself with the dreads? I can't see the first pic you posted, just the one you linked.

Anyways, I'd get the dreads if I were you. If your fiancé can't love all of you... then... not cool. Get them because they make you happy.

Ginger Kitteh
August 2nd, 2012, 02:08 PM
Thank you for the replies. I didn't mean to paint my dear boyfriend in a negative light, because I know him very well (since I was nine, and we're neighbors in the summer) and I know him almost as much as my own brother. I'll see what he says when I ask him later. Maybe it is just my OCD causing me to worry so much about something so simple as a hair style. I mean, heck, I really wouldn't care if he shaved his hair and grew one of those braided rat tail things on the bottom and dyed it purple. :D

Dang3rousB3auty
August 2nd, 2012, 02:12 PM
It seems like if someone really loved you they really wouldn't care what you did with your hair. It's a temporary thing. It's not like you got plastic surgery. It's something you enjoy doing with your brother and your fiance is away at a different school anyways. If having dread locks is a deal breaker then I don't really know how long a relationship like that could last. It's just hair! It seems like all he saw was a picture of it?? He didn't get to see it in person or have a chance to get used to it. I think it looked cute and I think you should do what you want. You will always have something you do that your significant other doesn't like, and you can't just go changing yourself and what you want to make them happy.

Have fun with them for a little while and get rid of them later. You can compromise. right?

Mischamiu
August 2nd, 2012, 02:20 PM
I think you should go with the dreadlocks, your boyfriend will probably be a little mad but at the end he will get used to them

Ginger Kitteh
August 2nd, 2012, 02:26 PM
It seems like if someone really loved you they really wouldn't care what you did with your hair. It's a temporary thing. It's not like you got plastic surgery. It's something you enjoy doing with your brother and your fiance is away at a different school anyways. If having dread locks is a deal breaker then I don't really know how long a relationship like that could last. It's just hair! It seems like all he saw was a picture of it?? He didn't get to see it in person or have a chance to get used to it. I think it looked cute and I think you should do what you want. You will always have something you do that your significant other doesn't like, and you can't just go changing yourself and what you want to make them happy.

Have fun with them for a little while and get rid of them later. You can compromise. right?

I want to tell him this! Thank you. He did never see it in person, and yes, it would be temporary. It helps that I am bedridden for the next few days from muscle injuries. If I give him puppeh eyes and explained it to him it might help...Tee hee! :violin:

brave
August 2nd, 2012, 02:32 PM
I want to tell him this! Thank you. He did never see it in person, and yes, it would be temporary. It helps that I am bedridden for the next few days from muscle injuries. If I give him puppeh eyes and explained it to him it might help...Tee hee! :violin:

I do think that women tend to really over think how much their guy cares about their hair. Guys might express an opinion but usually it's not a deal breaker for them, it just hits us harder because hair is (generally) more important to us.

MasCat
August 2nd, 2012, 03:33 PM
I feel _very_ strongly about people trying to pressure me what I should do with my body. It is sacred to me and I will decide for myself.

Your DBF might be a great person, but I think the best thing would be to dread your hair with you brother (by the way - boyfriends come and go, brothers stay ;)) and give your boyfriend a chance to overcome his dislike towards dreadlocks. If it is a dealbreaker for him - i wouldn't trust him into your life. If he thinks that you having control of your hair is bad... well, I would be very afraid of other things he might have problems with.

Anyway I wish you all the best and I wish your DBF sees reason :D

lmfbs
August 2nd, 2012, 03:40 PM
I'm sort of looking at this from the other angle. Why does your brother have so much say in what you do to your hair? It seems like you're getting pressure from your family and at 21, now is the time to decide what you do with your life.

Don't let your boyfriend or brother pressure you into doing anything. Do YOU want dreadlocks more than you want undreaded hair? If yes, there's your answer. If no, again, you have your answer.

It seems from what you've said you're quite impressionable, and honestly, I don't think anyone but you should have a say in what you do with your hair.

Silverbrumby
August 2nd, 2012, 03:55 PM
Oh, here's the picture:

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/717/lhcs.jpg/


I was considering dreads myself based on how great they look on an author in town Anne Lamott. My three DH's all nixed the idea. Hated it so I decided that they were probably right. The difference here is that I had never tried them and maybe I would have hated them. My thinking was that like you said, I'd have length, playful items in there and NEVER have to worry about the frizz problem again.

one_fine_lady
August 2nd, 2012, 04:02 PM
A girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do. I say, it's your hair and you do what you want with it

Dovetail
August 2nd, 2012, 04:05 PM
I think a lot of the time the stigma is that dreadlocks are natsy, nappy and dirty. Maybe put them in and let him SEE them, and touch them, and go from there?

If he really hates them, and you really love him, maybe try synthetic dreads? it would be a compromise. You wouldn't have them in ALL the time (you could take them out for dates, or not) but you could still have them in a color that matches your hair. Plus you're hair would be super curly after you take them out. Maybe talk to him, and see WHY he hates them so much? did he have an ex with dreads? did he get bullyed in school by some kid with dreads? Does he think it makes your a pothead druggie? Maybe it really gets him going to be able to run his fingers through your hair? *my DH is one of those guys *shy face* ect.

I hope you can find a way to love yourself, and your fiance (which is much more then just a boyfriend) If you ARE going to get married, something like this is a big flag that needs to be worked on. What if you wanted to dye your hair purple? or wear only anime wigs? what would he do then :o

Avital88
August 2nd, 2012, 04:07 PM
Do them,u look amazing With them. I can read from your post that you really like them so i think u should follow your feelings

HintOfMint
August 2nd, 2012, 04:15 PM
I hate to say this, but I think it would be wiser to respect your fiance's tastes.

This isn't about control. Assuming he doesn't nitpick about multiple small and easily removable things (lipstick, nail polish, etc), it really seems as though he has a distinct aversion to dreadlocks. They're not the easiest to remove of hairstyles, so it's a style that you will wear on a semi-permanent basis to which he has a strong aversion. Why not respect this? He can't help how he feels. It's not like he is telling you not to wear dreadlocks because you're his woman and he owns you. He's telling you that they're unattractive to him.

It's not like getting wrinkles or your waist getting larger because of age/pregnancy, etc. Dreadlocks are a choice, and a semi-permanent and highly visible one at that.

AnnaB
August 2nd, 2012, 04:34 PM
I don't really want to be found unattractive by the only person whose opinion on that really matter to me. :

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/717/lhcs.jpg/

I think your answer is in your words.

If he is the only person whose opinion matters to you then why make him upset?
You said you got rid of them in the first place because your fiancée didnt like them, right? Well if you get them again, and then you will worry all the time about his opinion and get rid of them again?

I think you should sit down and talk to him about it, and see how he feels about them now? Because at the end of the day, you will have to compromise either dreadlocks or fiancées opinion?

I know people say 'how can he tell you what to do?' we all forget that in a relationship we all do it, maybe to different extends but we do.

What if he got something you didnt like? Like a tattoo which design you didnt like? or shaved his head? or got a strechy piercing. Would you feel hurt if you told him you didnt like it and he didnt care about your opinion?

Its a touch decision, just take your time. You can always get dreadlocks any day if you did go for it again.

dwell_in_safety
August 2nd, 2012, 04:44 PM
I would wait and make some again when he can see them in person and feel them and see for himself how you take care of them. If his perception of their being ugly is due to common societal belief, he won't mind them after that. If he still just doesn't like the way they look, that's all and only your call. :)

FrannyG
August 2nd, 2012, 04:59 PM
I hate to say this, but I think it would be wiser to respect your fiance's tastes.

This isn't about control. Assuming he doesn't nitpick about multiple small and easily removable things (lipstick, nail polish, etc), it really seems as though he has a distinct aversion to dreadlocks. They're not the easiest to remove of hairstyles, so it's a style that you will wear on a semi-permanent basis to which he has a strong aversion. Why not respect this? He can't help how he feels. It's not like he is telling you not to wear dreadlocks because you're his woman and he owns you. He's telling you that they're unattractive to him.

It's not like getting wrinkles or your waist getting larger because of age/pregnancy, etc. Dreadlocks are a choice, and a semi-permanent and highly visible one at that.

I'm quoting you, but I'm not addressing you in particular. You've said what a lot of folks have said and it's really got me thinking.

I really understand your point. On the other hand, I know that my husband prefers my hair to be long (I know a lot of LHCers don't think my hair is long, but we do). I'd like to know that if I ever had a really strong call to cut my hair to shoulder length that my husband would be understanding. While a hair cut is not permanent, it is semi-permanent because it does take a long time to grow out. So does that mean that I'm trapped with long hair, even if I get really, really tired of it? I'll never go to really short hair, because I don't like how it looks on me, but I'm still a woman and from time to time, I need a change and I want to wear my hair in a way that makes me feel good.

I also realize that the OP is fairly young. If not now, then when will she be able to do such a hairstyle?

I really have mixed feelings on this one. I'm sorry I don't have better advice.

Silken
August 2nd, 2012, 05:01 PM
Honestly, your fiancé needs to grow up. Is it YOU, he's into, or your hairdo?

lmfbs
August 2nd, 2012, 05:03 PM
Honestly, your fiancé needs to grow up. Is it YOU, he's into, or your hairdo?

I disagree with this. There are things my bf could do that would really turn me off. That's not because I don't love him, but rather I have big aversions to some things.

Silken
August 2nd, 2012, 05:12 PM
I disagree with this. There are things my bf could do that would really turn me off. That's not because I don't love him, but rather I have big aversions to some things.

You just hit a nerve: I once had a bf who was extremely opposed to dreadlocks. I asked him why. Turns out he associated them with black people and that he was deeply racist. Needless to say I bought a long blond wig and tossed him in his lap when I dumped him.

I'm not saying that this is the case with her fiancé, but the OP did remind me of that. Today, I'm older, more experienced and I simply refused to change who I am because somebody has a problem with it. He either takes me as I am or finds someone else.
On the flip side, I extend him the same courtesy.

I do understand how this view might not be realistic for some, but after being in a 23 year marriage that made me feel at fault just for existing, I am no longer willing to change who I am to fit anyone's ideals.

Unicorn
August 2nd, 2012, 05:22 PM
I do think that women tend to really over think how much their guy cares about their hair. Guys might express an opinion but usually it's not a deal breaker for them, it just hits us harder because hair is (generally) more important to us.

This makes a lot of sense. Your Fiance saying "I don't like", is and opinion not an order. At least that the way it comes across to me. It may not be a big deal to him. Maybe just have a chat and see if he does have a strong aversion or a simple, "not what I would choose", reaction. To my mind, completely disregarding his opinion (particularly if you've asked for it) comes across as just as uncaring as him forbiding you to have it done.

Unicorn

lmfbs
August 2nd, 2012, 05:23 PM
You just hit a nerve: I once had a bf who was extremely opposed to dreadlocks. I asked him why. Turns out he associated them with black people and that he was deeply racist. Needless to say I bought a long blond wig and tossed him in his lap when I dumped him.

I'm not saying that this is the case with her fiancé, but the OP did remind me of that. Today, I'm older, more experienced and I simply refused to change who I am because somebody has a problem with it. He either takes me as I am or finds someone else.
On the flip side, I extend him the same courtesy.

I do understand how this view might not be realistic for some, but after being in a 23 year marriage that made me feel at fault just for existing, I am no longer willing to change who I am to fit anyone's ideals.

I agree with the sentiment, but I don't think that it's fair to assume an aversion means racism or other horrible things. For example, I have an aversion to certain haircuts on men, because my rapist had that haircut. My bf has suggested getting that same cut, and I told him I certainly wouldn't be happy with it and told him why. He understood that it would really affect me, and chose not to get the cut.

He was free to choose to do what he wanted with his hair, but likewise, I was free to not like it and move out. He knew the consequences and made a decision based on what his values were.

I don't think it's caving in to other peoples wishes if you consider their views on something and make a decision with that in mind. We all make compromises in relationships and at the end of the day we have to decide what compromises we're happy to make and which ones cut too close to who we are.

Silken
August 2nd, 2012, 05:28 PM
I agree with the sentiment, but I don't think that it's fair to assume an aversion means racism or other horrible things. For example, I have an aversion to certain haircuts on men, because my rapist had that haircut. My bf has suggested getting that same cut, and I told him I certainly wouldn't be happy with it and told him why. He understood that it would really affect me, and chose not to get the cut.

He was free to choose to do what he wanted with his hair, but likewise, I was free to not like it and move out. He knew the consequences and made a decision based on what his values were.

I don't think it's caving in to other peoples wishes if you consider their views on something and make a decision with that in mind. We all make compromises in relationships and at the end of the day we have to decide what compromises we're happy to make and which ones cut too close to who we are.

Like I said, I'm not saying that this is the case with the fiancé, but the OP did remind me of that incident.

And I understand your point, I even agree with it, however if it's purely aesthetics, my reaction would simply be "suck it up, *I* like it that way".

I never said anyone HAD to agree, I just posted my thoughts, that's all.

Cinnamoon
August 2nd, 2012, 05:54 PM
If your fiancee considers dreads to be a dealbreaker, then you probably need to think very carefully about the whole situation. Why does he hate them so much? Is he being controlling, or does he have legitimate reason? If, however, your appearance in and of itself is a dealbreaker for him, maybe you should reconsider your relationship.

BUT

It seems to me that he's not saying they're a dealbreaker, just that he doesn't especially care for them. It doesn't mean that he loves you any less, just that he dislikes the hairstyle. If that's the case, then it's really up to you. He's not trying to force you to go one way or the other, just expressing an opinion. Try to compromise. Perhaps you could have them in for a few months, and then take them out? If he's not trying to be controlling, which seems to be the case, then there's surely some compromise that can be reached. He's not in charge of your hair, but his opinions should have some weight in how you style your hair. In the end, it's your choice - just keep in mind his opinion when you weigh up the pros and cons.

akilina
August 2nd, 2012, 06:06 PM
I am on the end that actually understands how you feel in not wanting your SO to find you unattractive.
I hate to say I always ask my BF what he thinks of my hair. I ask him if I should cut it short and get a "NO" even though sometimes I want to. I also ask him if I should change my haircolor constantly to hear his reactions.
He always says "I like it black" but the latest when I asked yesterday was "I like it how it is now (henna)" so to me, that means that he likes it however it is. He was soo opposed to me getting rid of my black hair, yet ended up loving my henna head too.
I would not want to appear unattractive to my BF in any way because I tend to feel insecure at times with myself. It is security knowing he finds what I am doing attractive. Same goes for clothing.

On dreads...perhaps you could talk to him. My weird self would probably say "would you find me less attractive if I had _____done to my hair?" And I actually did ask that the other day in regards to me growing out my natural color.

Just work on it. Try to talk him into it haha. If he is sooo opposed, I guess it is up to you at that point to truly make your decision.
While it is ALWAYS your head of hair and you could totally do whatever you want to it, its totally normal to feel weary about it because you feel his opinion really matters. I guess what I am trying to say is I completely understand how you feel. I am not on the end of saying "well screw him if he doesn't accept it"

ManeSqueeze
August 2nd, 2012, 06:12 PM
You could always put in braids that are about the size of the dreads that you like. Maybe he has an aversion to dreads because he feels they look a little unkempt or matted. My mom took about 12 hours (over the spans of a few days) to put my hair into little neat braids which she lovingly called "freds" (fake dreads). I was able to put beads in it, style it like dreads, feel connected to my mother who put them in, and it only took half an hour to take out.

You could even get your fiance in on it and he could help your brother put in your braids. My mom wrapped the end of the braids in embroidery floss, and you could do something similar if you don't want the fake hair braided in then tied route or the tiny elastics route.

To get ready in the morning I just put a little bit of oil on my hands then smoothed down some of the hairs that poked out, so it would be as easy as your dreads were.

I agree with everyone else that you should still talk with your fiance about why he doesn't like them. My DBF doesn't like them, but braids are our middle ground. He also doesn't like me making HUGE changes to my looking without warning him first. Not because he wants to be able to say no, but because he wants to be prepared so he can have a positive reaction instead of just shock. The same goes for him when he wants to make a big change to his look.

I'm sure you're going to be able to find a middle ground that you both will love :D

mzBANGBANG
August 2nd, 2012, 06:38 PM
I am someone with a huge aversion to dreads. I love microbraids, cornrows, and all sorts of intricate hair styles, but I cannot stand dreadlocks. In my mind, I just picture the hair matted and full of germs. I've watched people style them with wax and, ugh, the feeling on my hands after touching them! On two occasions, I've gotten someone else's dreadlock in my MOUTH of all places (one was a mosh pit, the other, well, I was in a less than vertical postion..) and both times, I was completely grossed out.

While I think it is important for you to do things you want to your hair, I do think dreadlocks have a kind of gross out factor to some people. I feel really badly being so open about this, because honestly they look so cool! It's just when I think about what goes into them I am personally turned off.

I don't think I can express my opinion anymore politely! Sorry if I've offended anyone with dreadlocks, I certainly am not perfect so feel free to pick on me in the future!

Unicorn
August 2nd, 2012, 07:06 PM
I am someone with a huge aversion to dreads. I love microbraids, cornrows, and all sorts of intricate hair styles, but I cannot stand dreadlocks. In my mind, I just picture the hair matted and full of germs. I've watched people style them with wax and, ugh, the feeling on my hands after touching them! On two occasions, I've gotten someone else's dreadlock in my MOUTH of all places (one was a mosh pit, the other, well, I was in a less than vertical postion..) and both times, I was completely grossed out.

While I think it is important for you to do things you want to your hair, I do think dreadlocks have a kind of gross out factor to some people. I feel really badly being so open about this, because honestly they look so cool! It's just when I think about what goes into them I am personally turned off.

I don't think I can express my opinion anymore politely! Sorry if I've offended anyone with dreadlocks, I certainly am not perfect so feel free to pick on me in the future!
I have locs and I'm not offended :) but I'm none too pleased with those who have grubby locks and give mine a bad name :(

They don't have have to be icky, waxy etc, in fact they form best without all that goop and can be washed as often as wished. Mine mostly smell of shampoo or coconut oil, depending on if I'm doing a pre-poo oiling. Also ACV rinsing stops me freaking out about germs :D - that was one of my obsessions concerns about having locs.

Aesthetic? *shrug* Each to their own some like them some don't fine by me either way...

Unicorn

mzBANGBANG
August 2nd, 2012, 07:13 PM
I have locs and I'm not offended :) but I'm none too pleased with those who have grubby locks and give mine a bad name :(

They don't have have to be icky, waxy etc, in fact they form best without all that goop and can be washed as often as wished. Mine mostly smell of shampoo or coconut oil, depending on if I'm doing a pre-poo oiling. Also ACV rinsing stops me freaking out about germs :D - that was one of my obsessions concerns about having locs.

Aesthetic? *shrug* Each to their own some like them some don't fine by me either way...

Unicorn

Unicorn, just LOOKING at your dreads I can tell you take care of them! I am of course talking about that waxy feeling, and I think you know what I am talking about too... the ones that are rushed to form. I just picture all that crap getting stuck in the wax, all the germs, ack. In some cases, I feel like an ACV rinse would completely demolish the dreads into just a tangled mess, since they're 50% Murrays Wax!

Well formed and maintained dreads, however, I find very pretty. It's just that they are so rare to come by (I should have known there would be some on this board).

teal
August 2nd, 2012, 07:19 PM
I didn't read the other replies.

I think you should take this as a good opportunity to sit down and discuss the situation thoroughly with your fiance. Get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does, and share why you feel the way you do. If you're going to be married you're going to have discussions of this nature (where you disagree on key points) from time to time, and it's very important to be able to hash these things out in a constructive manner. Very important indeed. Whether you are "right" or not to choose dreadlocks knowing his opinion isn't as relevant as how you go about it.

spirals
August 2nd, 2012, 07:42 PM
I agree with teal. The issue might be something deeper than your hair; things like this often are. I remember sharing a house with my best friend and her having lots of issues about how much time I spent dealing with my newfound curly hair--I was accused of vanity and shallow character--and later on she admitted all her frustration came from jealousy. It's just one example of how disagreements are often about something else. This may not be true in your case. It might be aesthetics, simply. Just talk it out. If anything, it will bring you closer as you share your feelings.

lmfbs
August 2nd, 2012, 08:29 PM
Like I said, I'm not saying that this is the case with the fiancé, but the OP did remind me of that incident.

And I understand your point, I even agree with it, however if it's purely aesthetics, my reaction would simply be "suck it up, *I* like it that way".

I never said anyone HAD to agree, I just posted my thoughts, that's all.

Sorry - didn't mean my post to come across as confrontational, so sorry if it did!

Thenolegirl
August 2nd, 2012, 08:53 PM
If a hairstyle is going to cause friction and you can't let go of the dreads, then that means that the relationship has some bigger problems to sort out first.

A relationship needs to be even and respectful to each other. I would much rather have an honest and open BF who told me when he didn't like something, then one who just "grins and bears it". I'd also like to have a mate who would let go of ONE thing for me if it meant peace or strife in our relationship.

Also, he should be courteous if you decide that you want the dreads but can find middle ground with him on the issue. Just keep in mind - the extra stuff he does for you to be attractive should be reciprocated out of love. Pleasing a couple of friends with a hairdo should not override his love of your natural, beautiful hair. =)

This would be a great time to discuss your future and what you need out of the relationship for it work with him. If this much trouble is coming from hair, imagine the problems from just life in general.

insilentharmony
August 2nd, 2012, 09:37 PM
After reading the responses, I'm sort of torn...I can understand that you are young and have an opportunity to experiment with hair styles. At the same time, I can understand a significant other not being pleased with certain style changes. At the end of the day, it really comes down to what you really want. It's your hair and your decision.

Like many others have said, it would be worthwhile to sit down and have a chat about why your fiancé is so opposed to dreads. Getting to the bottom of the reason will probably give you a better understanding of his point of view and, hopefully, help in your decision.

Wiggy Stardust
August 2nd, 2012, 10:15 PM
I wouldn't listen to him. You're the one living with your hair, not him (mostly).

The guys I've dated tend to avoid talking about my appearance though. I wouldn't listen anyway. I think this depends on who cares more - if you're only sorta into them and he hates them, it makes sense to not do them. If you're very into them and he hates them, you kinda outweigh his preferences. I mean, is your hair gonna make him leave?

A part of growing up means realizing our SO's aren't our perfect model fantasy companion. They have opinions, feelings and tastes we disagree with. Letting someone have their freedom is a lot better for relationships than having perfection; less eventual resentment.

Unicorn
August 3rd, 2012, 07:48 AM
Unicorn, just LOOKING at your dreads I can tell you take care of them! I am of course talking about that waxy feeling, and I think you know what I am talking about too... the ones that are rushed to form. I just picture all that crap getting stuck in the wax, all the germs, ack. In some cases, I feel like an ACV rinse would completely demolish the dreads into just a tangled mess, since they're 50% Murrays Wax!

Well formed and maintained dreads, however, I find very pretty. It's just that they are so rare to come by (I should have known there would be some on this board).
Yes I do know the waxy version of locing you're referring to. There is a popular myth that locs need to be held with wax and not washed, in order to form. This isn't true at all, not for european or afro hair. But no doubt this is why so many people have an aversion to locs.

@Ginger Kitteh, could this is part of your fiances dislike of locs? There are methods, such as the crochet hook method that allows locs to be formed without wax and what have you. I've seen this method used on Japanese hair, which is one of the hardest types to loc. It also creates locs that look pretty much fully formed.

Here are a couple of videos showing the method.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGHANZrcfnQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3r_4dzYzsM

Unicorn

Ginger Kitteh
August 3rd, 2012, 08:35 AM
Wow...I should not have been that nervous to talk with him. (Is it weird I still get kinda shy around him after three years together? :p) I worked up some courage reading y'all's replies and had a little discussion with him.

He basically told me that I could do whatever I wanted. He said it had always been on his conscious the first time he told me that he didn't like the dreads and I took them out for him. He had felt bad and "shallow". This time around, he told me that while he wasn't attracted to dreads, he wasn't disgusted by them either. His main issue was that he wanted to feel soft hair. (And I am really sorry about the racist boyfriend mentioned earlier. That's a terrible experience. Fortunately, I know my DBF isn't racist because my family is multiracial and I think I would know by now ;) ). I originally tried to bargain with him by offering to do something with my appearance that he liked to compensate. But he stopped me right there and pointed out that that wasn't right and that I shouldn't have to do that. And I realized he was right and I wasn't respecting my own decisions.

Sorry if all of that is TMI, but I just wanted to let y'all know that our conversation went really well. I told him it would probably be done in January of next year, be really clean and neatly done (no wax!), and I would put some pretty beads in them. I also assured him that it would probably not be permanent.

No one wants to be found unattractive, and at the same time, we all want to make our own decisions. I think both me and my DBF had perfectly acceptable opinions. I know that when he comes home to see me after I get them that what my hair looks like will be the last thing in his mind--maybe he'll associate the style with a happy reunion. :shrug:

Feel free to add more thoughts about this!

brave
August 3rd, 2012, 09:16 AM
Wow...I should not have been that nervous to talk with him. (Is it weird I still get kinda shy around him after three years together? :p) I worked up some courage reading y'all's replies and had a little discussion with him.

He basically told me that I could do whatever I wanted. He said it had always been on his conscious the first time he told me that he didn't like the dreads and I took them out for him. He had felt bad and "shallow". This time around, he told me that while he wasn't attracted to dreads, he wasn't disgusted by them either. His main issue was that he wanted to feel soft hair. (And I am really sorry about the racist boyfriend mentioned earlier. That's a terrible experience. Fortunately, I know my DBF isn't racist because my family is multiracial and I think I would know by now ;) ). I originally tried to bargain with him by offering to do something with my appearance that he liked to compensate. But he stopped me right there and pointed out that that wasn't right and that I shouldn't have to do that. And I realized he was right and I wasn't respecting my own decisions.

Sorry if all of that is TMI, but I just wanted to let y'all know that our conversation went really well. I told him it would probably be done in January of next year, be really clean and neatly done (no wax!), and I would put some pretty beads in them. I also assured him that it would probably not be permanent.

No one wants to be found unattractive, and at the same time, we all want to make our own decisions. I think both me and my DBF had perfectly acceptable opinions. I know that when he comes home to see me after I get them that what my hair looks like will be the last thing in his mind--maybe he'll associate the style with a happy reunion. :shrug:

Feel free to add more thoughts about this!
Sounds like you caught a good one :) Glad to hear you two hashed it out win-win style.

vanillabones
August 3rd, 2012, 09:22 AM
My ex hated me blonde when we were together, and I kept it for awhile :P ... I thought it looked good.

HintOfMint
August 3rd, 2012, 09:29 AM
Wow...I should not have been that nervous to talk with him. (Is it weird I still get kinda shy around him after three years together? :p) I worked up some courage reading y'all's replies and had a little discussion with him.

He basically told me that I could do whatever I wanted. He said it had always been on his conscious the first time he told me that he didn't like the dreads and I took them out for him. He had felt bad and "shallow". This time around, he told me that while he wasn't attracted to dreads, he wasn't disgusted by them either. His main issue was that he wanted to feel soft hair. (And I am really sorry about the racist boyfriend mentioned earlier. That's a terrible experience. Fortunately, I know my DBF isn't racist because my family is multiracial and I think I would know by now ;) ). I originally tried to bargain with him by offering to do something with my appearance that he liked to compensate. But he stopped me right there and pointed out that that wasn't right and that I shouldn't have to do that. And I realized he was right and I wasn't respecting my own decisions.

Sorry if all of that is TMI, but I just wanted to let y'all know that our conversation went really well. I told him it would probably be done in January of next year, be really clean and neatly done (no wax!), and I would put some pretty beads in them. I also assured him that it would probably not be permanent.

No one wants to be found unattractive, and at the same time, we all want to make our own decisions. I think both me and my DBF had perfectly acceptable opinions. I know that when he comes home to see me after I get them that what my hair looks like will be the last thing in his mind--maybe he'll associate the style with a happy reunion. :shrug:

Feel free to add more thoughts about this!

All's well that ends well. Good for you!

mzBANGBANG
August 3rd, 2012, 09:54 AM
Ginger Kitteh I am so happy to hear how well that went for you! Sounds like you've got a good guy, hang onto him!

afu
August 3rd, 2012, 10:06 AM
I love dreads, and have considered them a fair few times. But my SO hates them and I know he would be disappointed if I got them done. I think you just have to think about what you value more, in my case I would love the look of them and the ease of daily styling, but I would hate to be in any way unattractive to the man i love. Some people may say it's shallow to be effected by something like that, but I personally think it's only natural to be attracted to certain look and not others - attraction is a big deal whatever people say. no it's not the be all and end all, but it is important

Kristin
August 3rd, 2012, 10:15 AM
I'm sure your fiance is a nice guy, but if what he wants makes you feel like you have to stifle your personality or desires, that's not okay. This is one of those times that helps you to figure out who you are, what's important to you, and how that fits into your relationship with this person. And maybe it won't fit. :/ Or maybe he'll come around. :) But you need to be yourself.

Unicorn
August 3rd, 2012, 01:30 PM
I'm so glad it's worked out well.

Unicorn

DreadfulWoman
August 3rd, 2012, 01:35 PM
Wow...I should not have been that nervous to talk with him. (Is it weird I still get kinda shy around him after three years together? :p) I worked up some courage reading y'all's replies and had a little discussion with him.

He basically told me that I could do whatever I wanted. He said it had always been on his conscious the first time he told me that he didn't like the dreads and I took them out for him. He had felt bad and "shallow". This time around, he told me that while he wasn't attracted to dreads, he wasn't disgusted by them either. His main issue was that he wanted to feel soft hair. (And I am really sorry about the racist boyfriend mentioned earlier. That's a terrible experience. Fortunately, I know my DBF isn't racist because my family is multiracial and I think I would know by now ;) ). I originally tried to bargain with him by offering to do something with my appearance that he liked to compensate. But he stopped me right there and pointed out that that wasn't right and that I shouldn't have to do that. And I realized he was right and I wasn't respecting my own decisions.

Sorry if all of that is TMI, but I just wanted to let y'all know that our conversation went really well. I told him it would probably be done in January of next year, be really clean and neatly done (no wax!), and I would put some pretty beads in them. I also assured him that it would probably not be permanent.

No one wants to be found unattractive, and at the same time, we all want to make our own decisions. I think both me and my DBF had perfectly acceptable opinions. I know that when he comes home to see me after I get them that what my hair looks like will be the last thing in his mind--maybe he'll associate the style with a happy reunion. :shrug:

Feel free to add more thoughts about this!

Ah, I'm so glad it worked out alright. Hairstyles come and go, but that guy sounds like a keeper!

Unicorn
August 3rd, 2012, 01:37 PM
double post... whoops

Khiwanean
August 3rd, 2012, 02:01 PM
Wow...I should not have been that nervous to talk with him. (Is it weird I still get kinda shy around him after three years together? :p) I worked up some courage reading y'all's replies and had a little discussion with him.

He basically told me that I could do whatever I wanted. He said it had always been on his conscious the first time he told me that he didn't like the dreads and I took them out for him. He had felt bad and "shallow". This time around, he told me that while he wasn't attracted to dreads, he wasn't disgusted by them either. His main issue was that he wanted to feel soft hair. (And I am really sorry about the racist boyfriend mentioned earlier. That's a terrible experience. Fortunately, I know my DBF isn't racist because my family is multiracial and I think I would know by now ;) ). I originally tried to bargain with him by offering to do something with my appearance that he liked to compensate. But he stopped me right there and pointed out that that wasn't right and that I shouldn't have to do that. And I realized he was right and I wasn't respecting my own decisions.

Sorry if all of that is TMI, but I just wanted to let y'all know that our conversation went really well. I told him it would probably be done in January of next year, be really clean and neatly done (no wax!), and I would put some pretty beads in them. I also assured him that it would probably not be permanent.

No one wants to be found unattractive, and at the same time, we all want to make our own decisions. I think both me and my DBF had perfectly acceptable opinions. I know that when he comes home to see me after I get them that what my hair looks like will be the last thing in his mind--maybe he'll associate the style with a happy reunion. :shrug:

Feel free to add more thoughts about this!I'm glad it worked out so well! He sounds like a real sweetie.

truepeacenik
August 3rd, 2012, 02:02 PM
I'm glad you two have spoken more openly.

Frankly, on Caucasians, dreds need a couple years to get tidy. My cheat was aloe vera gel.
I took my dreds out with time and conditioner, but I would have been better off cutting to start with, but that is how I needed to walk that road.

Your photo shows tangled hair. I'm guessing it is the angle of the photo, but that probably isn't the best representation. I can see why your guy reacted the way he did.

Remember that most people have strong reactions to dreadlocks.
Some are positive many are negative. You WILL be judged by them.
In 14 years with my ex, living in tie dye and skirts, I was only asked if I had pot while dreaded.
Psychedelics requests were constant, but pot was only with dreads.
I found it funny but also sad.


Now, all that said, if dreadlocks have a meaning for you, go for them. They are more than a mere hairstyle, much as long hair is more than a style. They require dedication, dreadication, to nurture.

Ginger Kitteh
August 3rd, 2012, 03:38 PM
Yes I do know the waxy version of locing you're referring to. There is a popular myth that locs need to be held with wax and not washed, in order to form. This isn't true at all, not for european or afro hair. But no doubt this is why so many people have an aversion to locs.

@Ginger Kitteh, could this is part of your fiances dislike of locs? There are methods, such as the crochet hook method that allows locs to be formed without wax and what have you. I've seen this method used on Japanese hair, which is one of the hardest types to loc. It also creates locs that look pretty much fully formed.

Here are a couple of videos showing the method.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGHANZrcfnQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3r_4dzYzsM

Unicorn

Thank you so much for those videos. :) My hair is curly and will naturally start forming dreadlocks after a couple showers with no combing or brushing. But the process goes a lot slower than with Black hair types or very curly hair and I would like a shorter transition time. Makes me jealous :D.

My brother warned me first and foremost never to use any styling product or conditioner in them. He told me gross stories about wax, too.

I think this is a perfectly natural, beautiful style if it is taken care of well. :)