Please help! Bridesmaid updos vs fuzzy baby hair battle!

[CailinNua]

Hi everyone,

I'm in desperate need of some advice here!

My hair is about BSL, fine but porous so some parts of the strand become thicker. It has a slight wave but because of the length, that doesn't show really and tends to look messy. I also have a tonne of baby hairs (not broken, new growth), very visible at the edges but they are all over my head - about 2 - 4" long. Depending on the weather and their mood they stick out horizontally.

From day to day, I tend not to mind. They are least obvious when my hair is down and a little coconut oil sort of somewhat temporarily subdues them. But in a ponytail or beak clip casual updo, they are very obvious. If there is wind and/or humidity it's is playtime for the fuzzies.

The problem is I am bridesmaid in a month's time and my friend wants me to have my hair in an updo (side bun). I'm not sure I like this style on me but I can live with that - it's just that I think the fuzzies will have a field day. They will go out, not up!

Also, despite the fineness, my hair is heavy and slippery so no amount of pins seem to keep my hair up based in past hairdresser updo attempts - they just didn't hold for more than a couple of hours. My hair (and I) hate products (I only use natural organic, mainly homemade stuff and as few things as possible) - they tend to make my hair look greasy and piecey.

My friend is having a hair trial for herself, but not for me (possibly due to cost and as I'm not working, I can't really afford to offer to pay). She seems reluctant for me to contact the hairdresser but has said if I put my concerns in an email she will pass them on to him.

I'm no good at fancy hairstyles (or even casual ones) so if it all looks rubbish a couple of hours after he's done the style, I won't have any way of salvaging it.

I would love any advice on how to handle this - both communicating my concerns to my friend (who doesn't understand my views on natural hair care) without stressing/upsetting her and also how to handle the fuzzies/updo issue.

Thanks if you've managed to read this far - I really appreciate it.

[JuliaDancer]

The last time you had your hair done by a pro, did you let them use products? It might not make your hair look the way you would like, but for your friend's wedding, you might have to suck it up and let them use the strong stuff to keep your hair in place. If you've been taking good care of your hair, one day of spray shouldn't be the end of the world.

[Tisiloves]

First I would suggest that you e-mail the hairdresser about your concerns and see if you can bring your own products.

Also, maybe you could contact them and see about making it a plait based updo, plaits tend to hold a bit better in slippery hair.

Good luck :flower:

[Seeshami]

I have had wonderful success with a lace twist or french braids keeping the little crazy fuzzes some where. and you could always resort to hair gel as a last ditch effort.

[Madora]

Hi everyone,

I'm in desperate need of some advice here!

My hair is about BSL, fine but porous so some parts of the strand become thicker. It has a slight wave but because of the length, that doesn't show really and tends to look messy. I also have a tonne of baby hairs (not broken, new growth), very visible at the edges but they are all over my head - about 2 - 4" long. Depending on the weather and their mood they stick out horizontally.

From day to day, I tend not to mind. They are least obvious when my hair is down and a little coconut oil sort of somewhat temporarily subdues them. But in a ponytail or beak clip casual updo, they are very obvious. If there is wind and/or humidity it's is playtime for the fuzzies.

The problem is I am bridesmaid in a month's time and my friend wants me to have my hair in an updo (side bun). I'm not sure I like this style on me but I can live with that - it's just that I think the fuzzies will have a field day. They will go out, not up!

Also, despite the fineness, my hair is heavy and slippery so no amount of pins seem to keep my hair up based in past hairdresser updo attempts - they just didn't hold for more than a couple of hours. My hair (and I) hate products (I only use natural organic, mainly homemade stuff and as few things as possible) - they tend to make my hair look greasy and piecey.

My friend is having a hair trial for herself, but not for me (possibly due to cost and as I'm not working, I can't really afford to offer to pay). She seems reluctant for me to contact the hairdresser but has said if I put my concerns in an email she will pass them on to him.

I'm no good at fancy hairstyles (or even casual ones) so if it all looks rubbish a couple of hours after he's done the style, I won't have any way of salvaging it.

I would love any advice on how to handle this - both communicating my concerns to my friend (who doesn't understand my views on natural hair care) without stressing/upsetting her and also how to handle the fuzzies/updo issue.

Thanks if you've managed to read this far - I really appreciate it.

Frankly, I don't understand why your friend is insisting on a side bun, plus the fact she's reluctant for you to contact the hairdresser. Why?

Be that as it may, you might want to try a sock bun to anchor the style. Keeping it in place might be a bit of a hassle. You might try crimped hairpins. It would be more comfortable if the bun was in the back...easier to style and such.

As for those tiny hairs, you might want to look into mineral oil. If that isn't an option, then try plenty of coconut oil to tame those flyaways.

[Lostsoule77]

Some women just get a little nutty when it comes to their wedding. I don't know why she doesn't want you to contact the hair dresser though. I would try to contact him and let him know your concerns before hand so that he has time to work out the issues before the day he's doing the style. Let him know your concerns & that in the past hair dressers have had issues. It may or may not help.

Reiterate to your friend your concerns. Let her know that hair dressers have had problems before and that it may be an issue again. Tell her you ARE contacting the hair dresser. Let her know that you aren't trying to upset her, but you don't want things the day of to be ruined for her. Something like that.

As for using non natural products you just might have to do it for one day to comply with her request. I don't think it's reasonable, but it is her day. Hopefully this is her only pushy request. Treat your hair nicely up until then and pamper it the day after and you should be fine. :)

[heidi w.]

Hairspray. One day's use of hairspray will not ruin your hair, and it will keep the frizzies from acting up, and it will present your hair in a very polished look. It'll look good in photographs.

That's the easiest advice I've got. But you have to wash it out ASAP.....
They have these new hairsprays that are like spritz bottles....instead of the old style can of hair spray.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Some women just get a little nutty when it comes to their wedding. I don't know why she doesn't want you to contact the hair dresser though. I would try to contact him and let him know your concerns before hand so that he has time to work out the issues before the day he's doing the style. Let him know your concerns & that in the past hair dressers have had issues. It may or may not help.

Reiterate to your friend your concerns. Let her know that hair dressers have had problems before and that it may be an issue again. Tell her you ARE contacting the hair dresser. Let her know that you aren't trying to upset her, but you don't want things the day of to be ruined for her. Something like that.

As for using non natural products you just might have to do it for one day to comply with her request. I don't think it's reasonable, but it is her day. Hopefully this is her only pushy request. Treat your hair nicely up until then and pamper it the day after and you should be fine. :)

The friend may be afraid of boosting her wedding budget if you contact a wedding hairdresser cause the minute you say "wedding" the costs go way up for whatever it is for a wedding situation....that's the only reason I can think of that she's reluctant for wedding party members to not have professional hair dressing.

only my 2 cents...

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Use long bobby pins and pin as you go, not when you're done getting the hair formed in whatever shape....Then use a BBB tipped on its side to congeal the streakiness of the look of your hair (gently stroke or glide the brush along the hair in the direction you placed your hair.....then a little bit of hairspray, and it should all look wonderful....

heidi w.

[Kaelee]

I think she's being unreasonable (if I get married and have bridesmaids I plan to pick the color of the dress and tell them to choose a style that they like, and wear their hair however they want.) I don't think it's reasonable in any situation to require a certain hairstyle of everyone- everyone's hair is different and just might not be able to DO that style.

The others are right though- products won't kill your hair for one day. Just don't comb/brush your hair with gel or hairspray in it! That tears the hair. Other than that, you'll be fine.

[novemberfoxtrot]

I have the same problem. I always look a mess even though I'm trying to make my hair look nice. Yesterday I experimented with using aloe to help slick down those hairs. Totally worked. Went on an 8 mile hike, got all sweaty and the baby hairs behaved.

[CailinNua]

Wow! Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm just grateful I got it off my chest as I've been fretting about it. Not to mention the advice, thank you!

I guess I will bite the bullet and use conventional products. I love my friend and want her to have as little stress as possible which is why I'm afraid to say much about this to her. My two biggest concerns about products are 1) I used to use them till a few years ago (and they were used for updos I had done in the past) and they just don't look good in my hair. They weigh it down, it looks greasy and piecey and kind of horrible and sticky. The second concern is about ingredients that don't wash out without using harsh detergents like sulfates. I would do it if it were necessary but I just don't think they will create the desired effect. Natural products haven't been a resounding success either but I will bring them with me just in case. The coconut oil doesn't smooth the short hairs unless I use enough to cause a mega-oil slick. I've been reading a lot of threads here about people with same problem and have just put aloe vera gel in my hair, feels a bit crunchy and hair looks a bit lank too but it might have helped.

Thankfully the hairdresser will style my hair on the day - it's just that I don't get to have a trial of having my hair put up. And I guess I am feeling a bit fed up that I don't seem to have a say in what happens with my hair. I didn't mind about the dress or shoes but hair and make up seem more personal and I would like to feel comfortable on the day and elaborate things just aren't me and my choice would be more of down than up do so the shorties aren't fighting gravity.

I think it must be a budget thing that I can't have a hair trial - fair enough. But I would have liked to talk to him to explain what it's like and ask him questions. Not sure why my friend won't give me his phone number. Perhaps he would charge a consultation fee or something for phone queries.

By the way, my short bits aren't just a few flyaways that could be easily tamed. I hope Rini won't mind me linking to her picture of her own halo effect as I can't get my own pic just now. Mine is much more than (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1528419&postcount=1)this and as I'm brunette it's more noticeable and not cute like hers!

Novemberfoxtrot - could I ask how much aloe you used and did you put it on wet or dry hair? I just used about a quarter teaspoon on dry hair but it feels a bit crunchy. Will try it again next time I wash my hair.

Thanks once again ... namaste to my hair gurus.

[Kaelee]

I understand, I would be PISSED if someone told me how I had to do my hair and makeup, too. Those things aren't "one size fits all" and different products react differently with different people's skin and hair etc.

That's why I refuse to do this to my bridesmaids. As long as they don't show up looking like Mimi from the Drew Carey show, I don't care. (I'd probably specify "natural" makeup if any.)

People are people and I'd like them to, yanno, look like people. :)

[CailinNua]

Your bridesmaids are lucky girls Kaelee! When is your wedding?

As I write this I realise my friend wants me to look great and is doing her best to make this happen, but we are just very different style-wise. For my own wedding I just wore a €15 cotton sundress - fuss is not my thing. Also, even pre-wedding she was an organised type and understandably this is a big thing for her and she sometimes loses perspective when it comes to other people (I am getting off lightly, her Mum is in trouble as she hasn't bought shoes yet!). Soon it will be over and I'll be happy if I've done my part in ensuring she's got through it without freaking out. :)

[Kaelee]

Your bridesmaids are lucky girls Kaelee! When is your wedding

None planned yet, but I wish! :D

I'm already planning my dress and everything lol. I think if DBF knew he'd be scared. :agree:

[CailinNua]

None planned yet, but I wish! :D

I'm already planning my dress and everything lol. I think if DBF knew he'd be scared. :agree:
It's good to have the details ironed ahead of time! :) And who knows what he has planned and hasn't got round to telling you yet!

[jacqueline101]

The hair dresser may be due to her budget. I'd agree a day of product wouldn't hurt. Let's see bobby pins, sock bun to the side might help the frizzy. I'd use a name brand like pantene bottle hair spray versus caned. The name brand stuff holds better seems like it has less alcohol.

[piffyanne]

In case you haven't come across this on the boards, I've read that slathering on conditioner and leaving it in for a while before starting to take your hairsprayed/gelled hair out of its style cuts down significantly on the resultant damage caused by using said products.

If anyone has further information on this, I defer to their judgement.

I'm sure you'll look beautiful, and I hope you have a wonderful time at her wedding!

(P.S., and it's off the Help My Hair topic: I'd bring an extra pair of shoes, flipflops or sneakers, etc., in case your formal shoes hurt and you don't want to stop dancing through the night! A friend of mine who just got married had a big bucket of flipflops for guests to pilfer instead of dancing barefoot after casting their painful highheels to the four winds. I think that was really clever and smart of her, and brings up something people don't always think about, yes?:run:)

[Lostsoule77]

I think she's being unreasonable (if I get married and have bridesmaids I plan to pick the color of the dress and tell them to choose a style that they like, and wear their hair however they want.) I don't think it's reasonable in any situation to require a certain hairstyle of everyone- everyone's hair is different and just might not be able to DO that style.

The others are right though- products won't kill your hair for one day. Just don't comb/brush your hair with gel or hairspray in it! That tears the hair. Other than that, you'll be fine.
Don't mean to sidetrack, but that is basically what I did with my bridemaids dresses. I picked a color and we picked the exact shade as a majority vote. I also picked the length, designer (so that the shade is the same), & material. They both looked amazing & noone even realized how different their dresses were. ;)


Wow! Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm just grateful I got it off my chest as I've been fretting about it. Not to mention the advice, thank you!

I guess I will bite the bullet and use conventional products. I love my friend and want her to have as little stress as possible which is why I'm afraid to say much about this to her. My two biggest concerns about products are 1) I used to use them till a few years ago (and they were used for updos I had done in the past) and they just don't look good in my hair. They weigh it down, it looks greasy and piecey and kind of horrible and sticky. The second concern is about ingredients that don't wash out without using harsh detergents like sulfates. I would do it if it were necessary but I just don't think they will create the desired effect. Natural products haven't been a resounding success either but I will bring them with me just in case. The coconut oil doesn't smooth the short hairs unless I use enough to cause a mega-oil slick. I've been reading a lot of threads here about people with same problem and have just put aloe vera gel in my hair, feels a bit crunchy and hair looks a bit lank too but it might have helped.

Thankfully the hairdresser will style my hair on the day - it's just that I don't get to have a trial of having my hair put up. And I guess I am feeling a bit fed up that I don't seem to have a say in what happens with my hair. I didn't mind about the dress or shoes but hair and make up seem more personal and I would like to feel comfortable on the day and elaborate things just aren't me and my choice would be more of down than up do so the shorties aren't fighting gravity.

I think it must be a budget thing that I can't have a hair trial - fair enough. But I would have liked to talk to him to explain what it's like and ask him questions. Not sure why my friend won't give me his phone number. Perhaps he would charge a consultation fee or something for phone queries.

Thanks once again ... namaste to my hair gurus.
If she's paying for your hair to be done then it probably is a budget thing about not having a trial. I take it she's also making your appointment for the day of? If that is the case then I guess you just have to express your concerns when you get there for your appointment. Hopefully he is a good hair dresser and will be able to come up with something that looks good in your hair and holds well. :)

My BF had us get our hair done at the salon where she worked, but we had to pay for it! What they did to my hair I could've done better and without all the chemicals. At the end of the day though it made her happy and we had fun and I didn't think about my hair again until the next day when I had to wash it all out.

I agree that hair & make up are more personal and shouldn't be dictated, but some brides are control freaks and it goes with the territory a bit. You sound like a great friend to not want to stress her when you have concerns for yourself. Just make sure that you do what you need to to keep yourself happy too.

[kaydana]

If you're worried about the pins not holding the bun in place for long enough, could you get a couple of spin pins and keep them with you so if the style does start to come undone you can use those to secure it? They're much easier than fussing around with normal pins when it all starts to unravel, much more secure and take no time at all to put in your hair.

[lmfbs]

Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but it's her day. You agreed to be a bridesmaid, and you knew that with that you might have to wear an ugly dress or uncomfortable shoes or wear your makeup in a way other than how you usually prefer. If you weren't prepared to do that, you should have declined.

I wouldn't do anything between now and the day of your hair appointment. Why stress herself (and you) out over it? On the day of the appointment, I'd bring with you your usual products and explain to the hairdresser that where possible, you'd prefer to use your own products but if they won't be suitable, the products provided will be fine.

Also explain that you've had issues in the past with updos staying up past a few hours, and they should use extra pins/magic to secure it. She's obviously told the hairdresser what she wants and she'll be paying big money for it. Rather than deal with the wrath of an angry bride, that hairdresser will make your baby hairs stay down.

Then, put a smile on your face and support your friend. Not using the products you prefer or having your hair in the style you prefer for one day just isn't an issue that's worth getting worked up over. It's her wedding, and when she's paying for it, you do what she asks, and you smile about it.

If it's really something that you don't feel you can do, then decline your services as a bridesmaid. I hope you don't think I'm being mean here, but it seems like a very simple solution to a non-issue.

[anime_length]

Okay, as someone with a similar problem this is my advice: a "side bun" might mean a part, if that's the case, you're golden. When I try to put my hair back in any kind of sleek look i end up looking silly, but if you part your hair and let it go down before it swoops up into the side bun, it might be more willing to do what you want it to do.

If this isn't an option, I say suck it up and deal with the crap they'll put in your hair.

Be glad she didn't want everyone's hair blown out and flat ironed.

[Dorothy]

I heartily second the aloe vera gel. You may need to use product on her special day, but to solve your everyday flyaway problem in a healthy way, aloe vera gel works great. After I put my hair up, making sure the hair leading to the bun is very smooth, I put about a teaspoon of pure aloe gel in my hands, and rub it over my palms. Then I smooth the gel onto the sides and top of my head. If it's too dry I wet my hands, do the smoothing again. Then I use a fine tooth comb - mine is actually a japanese wooden comb for geisha hairstyling - to comb from my hairline to the bun, all around my head. This is pretty effective, and although it is "crunchy" in that you can feel it, you can't see it, and it will hold all day. And actually, it's reactivated by water, so if you get fuzzy, you can slip into the ladies and wet your hands and resmooth. Here's a picture, and a link to the comb I use, in case I mess up the picture. I first saw this technique on a youtube video of a geisha wig hairdresser.

http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/picture.php?albumid=2560&pictureid=32352
http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/album.php?albumid=2560&pictureid=32352

[novemberfoxtrot]

Novemberfoxtrot - could I ask how much aloe you used and did you put it on wet or dry hair? I just used about a quarter teaspoon on dry hair but it feels a bit crunchy. Will try it again next time I wash my hair.

Thanks once again ... namaste to my hair gurus.

I didn't use much at all. /Maybe/ an eighth teaspoon but probably less. Just enough to get my hands wet with it, lightly got some on my crown, rubbed the rest on my tassel and then went back over my crown when it was mostly off my hands.

[AnqeIicDemise]

Wrong thread response! Woops..darn tabs.