Need to Vent... When you don't have a say in what you do to your hair

[DarkCurls]

Hi,

I don't want to spoil the mood or anything... But I don't know anyone else to whom I could vent about this. I'm pretty sure everyone IRL would think me crazy. So... Here I am. And I'm feeling so frustrated.
My hair is still a bit wet after my shower, but it's bouncing up very prettily into what I thought were nice curls. And I still think that. But this weekend, I'm going to a wedding. I asked my mother if I could not straighten my hair (because every time there's a big event I'm supposed to straighten my hair) and she said (this was a few weeks ago), "Maybe you can put it up instead, since you seem to be having fun with that lately." Then just an hour ago she told me, "By the way, I've booked an appointment with the hairdresser's for Friday. Don't worry, it's not for a cut, just a shampoo and then they'll blow-dry it straight." First off, what do I want with shampoo? :D Second, I don't want to heat-style my hair ever again.
I got very upset, I suppose I was overreacting but I hate the way she thinks she can decide what happens to my hair. The last time I straightened my hair was in October because, guess what? Yeah, there was another big family event. If it had been my choice, I wouldn't have. I had to fight my way through Christmas and New Year's to keep my hair curly (she wasn't happy about it), and now she drops this on me. She thought I was being childish, that one time isn't going to wreck my hair. Except it's not just one time. I straightened my hair almost every day for years. Now I hate putting heat on my hair, even if it's "just" one time. I already have damaged hair. I don't need heat.
But it's not just that -- it's the right to do what I want with my hair. She has hair that has been between chin and shoulder-length her whole life. She washes it and blow-dries it every single day. She has highlights. She just doesn't understand me. She can't fathom that I actually like the way my hair looks naturally. When I said I didn't want to go, she told me: "Then what? Am I supposed to cancel the appointment and then you'll go to the wedding with your hair looking like that?"
Gee, Mom, thanks. I appreciate the sincerity. I mean, that hurt.
I love the way my hair looks. And I don't care what she thinks. But I wish she wouldn't force this on me. I straightened my hair for years because she was always telling me, "Do something with your hair, it looks awful." Back then I didn't even know I had curly hair. I thought it was just frizz. Lots and lots of frizz. I only stopped using the flat-iron one year ago and have only had one trim since, so I'm sure I have a lot of damage to grow out. I've sworn off the heat-styling forever... except it seems I don't have a choice.
I love my mom. She's fantastic most of the time. But on this matter... I'm just so angry right now. :( I don't know what to say to make her understand how I see things. I know she won't cancel the appointment, anyway, but I'm furious that she thought it would be a good idea to even get an appointment without asking me.
Thanks for reading. :p I needed to vent. I'd ask if anyone had similar experiences, but I'm not sure how many non-adult people are on this board.

[MasCat]

:hug:

You have every right to be angry, your mom should be more understanding. It is your hair and your choice.

I hope you will work something out. And of course your mom doesn't loe you less because of the hair, she probably thinks she's doing the best for you. She is wrong, but well... only in time she can learn that...

[spidermom]

Understandable. I think my daughter was about 10 when I stopped telling her what I thought she should do with your hair.

Maybe at the appointment you could tell the stylist that you would like to have a deep conditioning treatment and a braided style (something like that).

[Kaelee]

I know this isn't a helpful answer but personally I would be tempted to tell her. "I'm NOT having my hair straightened." And then if she insists, find a way to be somewhere else and miss the appointment. I'd also be tempted to refuse to attend the wedding if she won't allow you to attend with your natural curls intact. But again, probably not the most helpful answer.

My hair gets blow dried about twice a year (my stylist likes to blowdry after trims to see if she missed anything) and that's the only time I've allowed heat anywhere NEAR my hair for YEARS.

I'm angry FOR you. I would be royally P.O'd if that happened to me.

FWIW I think your curls are gorgeous!!!

A more helpful idea might be to try to have a talk with your mom when you haven't just been arguing about this, tell her that you feel hurt by the way she talks about your natural hair, that you and many other people think curls are beautiful and that you are hurt when she refuses to allow you to wear your hair naturally.

You're not being childish, you have a right to NOT damage a part of your body to suit another person's whims!

[Tota]

I'm so sorry your mum is not supporting you to embrace your natural hair. But I really think you're old enough to decide for youself. You have the right to have the hair you want no matter the occassion. Somehow let your mum know that. Better sooner than later.

I did the mistake of listening to what others had to say about my hair way into my twenties. The consequence? I'm almost 29 and never in my life I had the hair I would be happy with. I'm getting closer to it now, but still - this could have happened years ago. Don't do the same mistake, start standing up for what you want now!

It's funny though - here, whenever there's a special occassion, women with longer hair curl the hell out of it. I was at a wedding recently and well ... let me just say that from about 60 female guests only me and one rebelious teenage girl had loose natural hair. But we rocked it :D

[bluegrass]

I had a similar issue growing up. It was my father who was insistent that I keep SL/APL hair with the awful above-the-eyebrow-straight-across bangs. It wasn't until one particularly short (midway between CL & SL) cut that I was "surprised" with - i.e. when the stylist turned the chair around when she was finished - that I finally bawled enough to gain control of my hair. Not that I'm recommending that route for you - bawling your eyes out for days is miserable. But I do understand what it's like to have a parent like that. :(

[Curly Hermione]

My family sounds similiar to yours, they really don't get how I want to have control over my hair, and that I actually like my hair. Granted, my mum has never forcefully straightened my hair (although she has forcefully shampood it before) or booked a hairdressers appointment, and mostly she's just trying to help, but she tends to go about it in all the wrong ways. For instance, buying me straightening serum as a "surprise". Anyway, just know that you're not alone, curlies are often misunderstood by their families! And it sounds like our mothers have the exact same hairstyle!

[pepperminttea]

If it were me, I'd call the salon myself and cancel the appointment, but god knows the aftermath would be painful. I'm sorry your mother's so unsupportive of your natural curls, but I agree with the others; it is your hair and a part of your body. Sixteen is old enough to claim your own identity and how you look is a part of that.

Would it be worth sitting down with her and plainly saying you want to wear your hair curly, that you enjoy wearing it curly? (And that it looks beautiful curly!) I hope you can work something out DarkCurls. :grouphug:

[DarkCurls]

:hug:

I hope you will work something out. .

Thank you!


Understandable. I think my daughter was about 10 when I stopped telling her what I thought she should do with your hair.

Maybe at the appointment you could tell the stylist that you would like to have a deep conditioning treatment and a braided style (something like that).
Yeah, except she's made it very clear that we won't have the time. That's why she wants my hair straightened in the first place... apparently it takes less time than braiding it. (Not true.) 'sides, she's paying -- though I could do something about that.
This is embarrassing... I'm sixteen. ^^ Eek. I feel so awkward.


I know this isn't a helpful answer but personally I would be tempted to tell her. "I'm NOT having my hair straightened." And then if she insists, find a way to be somewhere else and miss the appointment. I'd also be tempted to refuse to attend the wedding if she won't allow you to attend with your natural curls intact. But again, probably not the most helpful answer.

My hair gets blow dried about twice a year (my stylist likes to blowdry after trims to see if she missed anything) and that's the only time I've allowed heat anywhere NEAR my hair for YEARS.

I'm angry FOR you. I would be royally P.O'd if that happened to me.

FWIW I think your curls are gorgeous!!!



I can only imagine her reaction if I told her I wouldn't go or if I managed to miss the appointment. She would be furious. Oh gods. Bad mental image there. Oo But, thank you for the encouragement. :D I am "P.O'd", as you put it. I will try to talk to her, but... *sigh* I just feel like it's pointless now.


I'm so sorry your mum is not supporting you to embrace your natural hair. But I really think you're old enough to decide for youself. You have the right to have the hair you want no matter the occasion. Somehow let your mum know that. Better sooner than later.


I'm sorry about your experience. :( And yes, I know I have to get it through to her somehow... I'm just not sure how.
Yes, I think I'm old enough, too. ^^ I feel so ridiculous not being able to stand up to my mother. Whatever happened to rebellious teens?

[Tia2010]

I'm sorry your mom isn't being more understanding about your desire to keep heat off your hair.

Arguing with her probably wont help and may even make her more determined about it... Maybe you could talk with her about going to the salon but getting them to do a pretty braided style or chignon side bun with a flower, just something that avoids the heat that she thinks looks 'done' and proper at the same time.

Again, sorry your not getting more support for your natural curls (hugs)

ETA: Saw your response that she wont go for the braid..Maybe show her a side bun or something that she considers more 'proper' and let her see it well in advance of the appointment so she knows it can be done on time.

[Vivalagina]

Love spidermom's suggestion of a conditioning treatment and braided 'do. Updos are always fashionable at a wedding. :)

[DarkCurls]

I had a similar issue growing up. It was my father who was insistent that I keep SL/APL hair with the awful above-the-eyebrow-straight-across bangs. It wasn't until one particularly short (midway between CL & SL) cut that I was "surprised" with - i.e. when the stylist turned the chair around when she was finished - that I finally bawled enough to gain control of my hair. Not that I'm recommending that route for you - bawling your eyes out for days is miserable. But I do understand what it's like to have a parent like that. :(
Thank you. I think I'd be good at the bawling my eyes out. :)
I'm sorry to hear about that, but I'm also glad someone can relate.


My family sounds similiar to yours, they really don't get how I want to have control over my hair, and that I actually like my hair. [snipped] Anyway, just know that you're not alone, curlies are often misunderstood by their families! And it sounds like our mothers have the exact same hairstyle!
Ah... I don't feel lonely then. :D I don't know why they just can't understand that we love our hair the way it is. I mean, my genes are partially from her, anyway.


If it were me, I'd call the salon myself and cancel the appointment, but god knows the aftermath would be painful. I'm sorry your mother's so unsupportive of your natural curls, but I agree with the others; it is your hair and a part of your body. Sixteen is old enough to claim your own identity and how you look is a part of that.

Would it be worth sitting down with her and plainly saying you want to wear your hair curly, that you enjoy wearing it curly? (And that it looks beautiful curly!) I hope you can work something out DarkCurls. :grouphug:

Ouch.
Yes, I know I'm old enough. :p Seriously getting embarrassed here.
Cancelling the appointment. Now that's an idea. She would kill me. But it would work!
I'll try talking, like I said... I'll see what it gives.

[DarkCurls]

Eeek, can't post fast enough.
Vivalagina and Tia2010, thanks for the support and yes, an updo sounds good. It was what I thought I would do.

[Hollyfire3]

I'm so sorry about this. I don't think you are over reacting, this would make me very angry too. I understand what you mean by its not just "one time" its the concept of control. I hate being control by others and personally, I would cause the biggest fit. I would cancel the appoitment myself and if my mom still took me, I would walk out and refuse to have it done. Then, I would camly (if I could possibly be calm) tell my mom how much I HATE my hair straight and how it is MY hair and that she can't tell me how to make it look because I grew it from my head. Then I'd most likely scream and yell until I was in my room, by myself. But that won't get you anywhere and that little explanation is why I am lucky to have made it past alot of my life...but my mom is the sort of person that yelling and screaming enough could get you out of something although she wouldn't be happy. its a very axing process..anyways....I second the opinions of others who say you should calmy tell your mom why you don't want to be told what to do with your hair, don't even really bring up the current appointment because then the "its only one time" stuff will be said. If she tries to make you go, see if you can get the stylist to help you or just, I really don't know this would personally drive me nuts so I would just cause a scene.....

[MaryMarx]

I really feel for you.
What if... you showed her this thread? Maybe it would help her to understand when she sees it's not just a teenage-thing. Be sure she is in a good mood though.

[pink.sara]

Hi,

I don't want to spoil the mood or anything... But I don't know anyone else to whom I could vent about this. I'm pretty sure everyone IRL would think me crazy. So... Here I am. And I'm feeling so frustrated.
My hair is still a bit wet after my shower, but it's bouncing up very prettily into what I thought were nice curls. And I still think that. But this weekend, I'm going to a wedding. I asked my mother if I could not straighten my hair (because every time there's a big event I'm supposed to straighten my hair) and she said (this was a few weeks ago), "Maybe you can put it up instead, since you seem to be having fun with that lately." Then just an hour ago she told me, "By the way, I've booked an appointment with the hairdresser's for Friday. Don't worry, it's not for a cut, just a shampoo and then they'll blow-dry it straight." First off, what do I want with shampoo? :D Second, I don't want to heat-style my hair ever again.
I got very upset, I suppose I was overreacting but I hate the way she thinks she can decide what happens to my hair. The last time I straightened my hair was in October because, guess what? Yeah, there was another big family event. If it had been my choice, I wouldn't have. I had to fight my way through Christmas and New Year's to keep my hair curly (she wasn't happy about it), and now she drops this on me. She thought I was being childish, that one time isn't going to wreck my hair. Except it's not just one time. I straightened my hair almost every day for years. Now I hate putting heat on my hair, even if it's "just" one time. I already have damaged hair. I don't need heat.
But it's not just that -- it's the right to do what I want with my hair. She has hair that has been between chin and shoulder-length her whole life. She washes it and blow-dries it every single day. She has highlights. She just doesn't understand me. She can't fathom that I actually like the way my hair looks naturally. When I said I didn't want to go, she told me: "Then what? Am I supposed to cancel the appointment and then you'll go to the wedding with your hair looking like that?"
Gee, Mom, thanks. I appreciate the sincerity. I mean, that hurt.
I love the way my hair looks. And I don't care what she thinks. But I wish she wouldn't force this on me. I straightened my hair for years because she was always telling me, "Do something with your hair, it looks awful." Back then I didn't even know I had curly hair. I thought it was just frizz. Lots and lots of frizz. I only stopped using the flat-iron one year ago and have only had one trim since, so I'm sure I have a lot of damage to grow out. I've sworn off the heat-styling forever... except it seems I don't have a choice.
I love my mom. She's fantastic most of the time. But on this matter... I'm just so angry right now. :( I don't know what to say to make her understand how I see things. I know she won't cancel the appointment, anyway, but I'm furious that she thought it would be a good idea to even get an appointment without asking me.
Thanks for reading. :p I needed to vent. I'd ask if anyone had similar experiences, but I'm not sure how many non-adult people are on this board.

Ugh Mothers!! :rolleyes:

I can totally sympathise with you even though I'm now 30 as all my life I have had to have my hair Curled for family events!!

My classic stupid thick straight hair would only take a curl if it was rolled soaking wet with setting lotion onto tiny perming rollers (hundred and hundreds of them in layers) then blowdried for 2-3 hours then left in overnight.

This means every family anniversary, event, wedding, birthday ect where there was a camera, my family are big on cameras, I had to endure scalp torture and no sleep.

I rebelled as a teen by dreading my hair for years, try and roll these knee length monstrosities onto perming curlers :eyebrows:

And since my mid 20's by flatly refusing and if my Mother pleads or attempts to convince me "it will look so much better" I respond rudely. That what it's come to.

Mother: " Your hair always looks so nice all curly, just do it this once"
Me: " Yours looks better in a hat, why dont you wear one" Etc.

Now I'm not recommending you be rude to your Mum, just point out that you like it as it is and it has taken work to get it looking so nice and you dont want to ruin it. Then flatly refuse that appointment.

Good luck! :)

[auburntressed]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I do know how upsetting it can be to feel like you have no say over what is done to your own hair or body.

When I was sixteen, I had a friend cut my hip+ length hair back to BSL. I managed to hide it from my mom for a few weeks by wearing it up, but she did find out eventually. She went ballistic on me. She told me that I was still a child, and therefore I had NO RIGHT to alter my hair in any way without her express permission. She also told me that until I was no longer living in her house, I would have no say in how I was allowed to dress, what I could do to my hair, or any other aspect of my appearance because my body belonged to her until age 18 and a new residence.

When I was 17, I was forced to undergo a surgical cosmetic procedure that I didn't want, all because my mom was ashamed of how I looked. Again I was told I had no say in the matter.

This is extreme, obviously. But it's made me a bit sensitive to parents thinking, sometimes blindly, that they have unusual rights over their children's bodies.

Like - I know a certain amount of control is appropriate. For example, many parents forbid their teens from getting tattooes or piercings until age 18. On the one hand, the parent in that case is dictating what the teen can do with his/her own body. But it is being done because the parent is still responsible for the health and wellbeing of the teen, and they probably feel those things would jeopardize that.

But things like hair... Sorry. In my opinion, 16 is more than old enough to have complete autonomy on decisions about one's own hair.

Maybe your mom just doesn't really understand your view. Maybe if you try to talk to her with the approach of, "My hair is a part of me - it is part of my body. I feel that I need to have control over what is done to my body," she may feel more sympathetic? It is possible she just has t thought of it that way yet.

[Amber_Maiden]

Maybe keep the appointment but have them do a really cool updo for you?

[DarkCurls]

Well, Hollyfire and pink.sara, as much as I love those suggestions, I'm pretty sure yelling and being rude would get me nowhere. ^^ But it's nice to know I'm not the only one who can get angry over hair.

MaryMarx, hm... that's actually an interesting idea. I'll try talking first, though. :p I'm not too eager to have her find me on this site and be able to follow my posts, etc, etc. It's called teen paranoia...

EDIT:
I'm so sorry about what you went through, auburntressed. I know it would never come to that with my family. But your story is really inspiring me to give a big speech about "control" to my mother.
AmberMaiden, I'm liking that idea more and more.

[Silken]

If it were me, I'd call the salon myself and cancel the appointment, but god knows the aftermath would be painful. I'm sorry your mother's so unsupportive of your natural curls, but I agree with the others; it is your hair and a part of your body. Sixteen is old enough to claim your own identity and how you look is a part of that.

Would it be worth sitting down with her and plainly saying you want to wear your hair curly, that you enjoy wearing it curly? (And that it looks beautiful curly!) I hope you can work something out DarkCurls. :grouphug:

+1000

Yep, that's what I would do, too. Based on your avatar, your hair is stunning, look at all those beautiful, glossy curls! ****, if my hair did that, I'd never brush it!
Your mom needs to be reminded that you are growing up and that you are your own person, she doesn't get to decide what you wear or how you style yourself anymore.
You might need to remind her that you adore her and alwayd will, and that taking charge of your looks doesn't take you away from her in any way, but that it is time for her to start looking at you as a person, not an extension of herself.
In other words, the bond between mother and daughter will always be there but the umbilical cord must be severed, now.
It is hard for mothers to let go. And it is hard for daughters to come into their own when Mom is too scared to let that happen.
But the bottomline is: It's YOUR hair. Your body. Your face. Your person.
So own them and stand up for yourself, Darling.

[SerinaDaith]

Could you try calling the booking yourself and explaining that you are not interested in having your hair blown dry? Perhaps if you and the hairdresser can come to some sort of updo with enough polish that won't take more time than straightening your mom will back off? I don't know if she would feel like you were going behind her back but itis your head of hair and so you should have some choice on what happens to it!

[DarkCurls]

+1000

Yep, that's what I would do, too. Based on your avatar, your hair is stunning, look at all those beautiful, glossy curls! ****, if my hair did that, I'd never brush it! [snip]
But the bottomline is: It's YOUR hair. Your body. Your face. Your person.
So own them and stand up for yourself, Darling.

Thank you. :p Yep, never brushing it is a good idea...
Thank you for the encouragement. :D Now where to find that courage I need...

[Chromis]

Can you call the salon and arrange for them to do an updo instead of the straightening? If you call ahead you might be able to get the stylist on your side that way your Mum might listen better to the "professional"

Edit: Looks like two of us posted the same idea at the same time! :D

[Silken]

Can you call the salon and arrange for them to do an updo instead of the straightening? If you call ahead you might be able to get the stylist on your side that way your Mum might listen better to the "professional"

Edit: Looks like two of us posted the same idea at the same time! :D

I agree. And a gorgeous updo done by a pro who knows how to handle curly hair can be so slamming beautiful and classy!

[DarkCurls]

To all three of you: honestly I love the idea of an updo, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of going behind my mother's back. (And I don't know the phone number, but whatever.) We had both agreed on an updo -- this, I think, is what gets me the most -- before she dropped the bomb on me. She told me she changed her mind because we wouldn't have the time... and, yeah, I don't know where that comes from, since honestly, blow-drying my hair takes way longer than putting it up.

[torrilin]

Thankfully, my mom has always been very supportive about my hair.

Confused some, because I actually like my straight hair, and like most women her age here, my mom has always kept her hair short and permed into the fashionable short cuts of her teen years. But she is thrilled that I know what I want, and I make a real effort to do pretty updos for special occasions.

If there's an updo you know how to do and that you think is well suited to some subtle decoration... Take 15 minutes and show her exactly how fast it is. You may not get your way for this event. But I don't know that thinking about it as "winning" or "losing" is helpful. What you want is for your mom to see that a pretty updo can easily be faster than doing your makeup for a big event. And you want her to get used to the idea that you were planning on and counting on wearing your hair up so that you could be ready promptly and with no wasted fuss.

FWIW, if someone invited me to a formal wedding, I could get ready in about an hour and a half, including the time it takes me to iron my favorite going to weddings dress. Same thing for performing in a formal concert, or pretty much any other event where presentation matters. So that includes showering, ironing my clothes, fancy underwear, doing my hair and makeup, and getting dressed. So while I'm not as fast and slick as a man who can wear a suit... I do pretty decently given how long my hair is.

Going to a salon and getting my hair done generally takes about an hour or an hour and a half all by itself. And it wouldn't change the rest of the time it takes me to get dressed really at all. Constructing my updo gets done in bits and pieces of time where I'm waiting on other steps in getting dressed.

[Alvrodul]

You have lovely curls! And since you have learned to deal with them properly, you are definitely the one who should make the decisions here. A pretty updo with a lovely accessory would be the perfect way for you to wear your hair at a wedding! And if your mother so hates your curls, that would mean they would be discreetly "tucked away".
You are 16 according to your stats - which means that according to the law in your country, you can legally have sex (Do so safely, if you do!!) By extension, that means you are old enough do make decisions about your own body - and that includes your hair!
You may need to confront your mom about your curls, but this confrontation would really be of her making. Just stick to your guns, and say politely, I have decided to wear my hair in an updo, and the salon treatment you want is not necessary for this - but perhaps if you give me part of the money I can buy a hair accessory especially for this wedding instead?

[DarkCurls]

Thank you torrilin. I suppose "gradually" may be the way to go... if only there were more than two days until the appointment. :p


You have lovely curls! And since you have learned to deal with them properly, you are definitely the one who should make the decisions here. A pretty updo with a lovely accessory would be the perfect way for you to wear your hair at a wedding! And if your mother so hates your curls, that would mean they would be discreetly "tucked away".
You are 16 according to your stats - which means that according to the law in your country, you can legally have sex (Do so safely, if you do!!) By extension, that means you are old enough do make decisions about your own body - and that includes your hair!
You may need to confront your mom about your curls, but this confrontation would really be of her making. Just stick to your guns, and say politely, I have decided to wear my hair in an updo, and the salon treatment you want is not necessary for this - but perhaps if you give me part of the money I can buy a hair accessory especially for this wedding instead?

Thank you. I'm not sure the having sex line will work on my mother (ahaha... can only imagine her reaction), but the rest might. (I like the "give me the money" line, too. :p)

[ratgirldjh]

When I was young my mom wouldn't LET me cut my hair. She also wanted me to wear it like her which was up and curled and teased and hairsprayed! I did this one and never again!!!

I decided I really wanted a Dorothy Hamil Wedge haircut when I was about 16 and of course she said no because 'ladies have long hair'.

So I went to visit my grandmother and had her take me to my mom's salon to get my hair cut.

The lady butchered my hair! She chopped it off uneven about shoulder length and then rolled it dried it and then teased and curled and pinned it!!!

I was too shocked to say anything! I had never had my hair cut before and really didn't know what to expect.

When she was finished the bill was over $40/USD. Keep in mind that is was 36 years ago!

My grandmother paid it grudgingly.

When I got home I burst into tears and ran into the shower to wash all the hair spray out and get out the teased mess and pins.

When I finished my hair was totally uneven shoulder length! It looked horrible! It stuck out on both sides and I started crying again.

My grandmother didn't know what to do and suggested we go to the beauty school and see what they could do.

So we went and for just a couple of dollars one of the students - who knew what a wedge was - cut my hair perfectly! And I totally loved it and kept it that way for quite some time going back to the beauty school for trims!

Of course my mom freaked out. And what made it worse is that we had gone to her salon... I found out later that the stylist (who was also the owner) asked my mom how I liked my 'wedge'... lol

After that my mom no longer told me what to do about my hair.

I think that there comes a time when you just have to make a stand and do what you want with your hair! Maybe the time is right for you since you are definitely not enjoying your mom's input on your hair.

:D

[Chromis]

Another idea, you say there are just two days, how about pinning up your hair into fantastic updos for the next couple of days to show her what you mean and how much more awesome they look!

[jeanniet]

You're sixteen. It's your hair. Your mother is being unreasonable. I can understand her wanting you to look nice, but there's other ways to do it besides straightening your hair. Ask for a pretty updo, or braids, but ultimately she needs to back off.

I have a 16 year old son. He has the most gorgeous (er...I mean, manly) curly hair when he grows it out, but he insists on buzzing it all off when it gets too long for him. I've asked (OK, begged) him to just get it trimmed, but he won't. Well, it's his hair, so he gets to call the shots. I wouldn't dream of nagging him to keep his hair long--maybe a little nagging :D, but not seriously, and I sure wouldn't want to make him feel bad about his hair. My mom, on the other hand, just tells him to get it cut. :rolleyes:

[Demi-Plum]

You are more than likely old enough to make your own decisions. Be strong and don't go and do what you want. If you like your hair then show it off the way you like it. Your mother loves you, but even mothers can bully their children. Stand up because that's what makes a bully stop.

[torrilin]

Thank you torrilin. I suppose "gradually" may be the way to go... if only there were more than two days until the appointment. :p)

That's why I'd think of it as not winning or losing :). You're probably not going to get the look you really want for this event.

But you can demonstrate that you had a plan, and your plan involved looking pretty and elegant, and it involved being prompt and efficient. And you can keep hitting her over the head with the concept that you already had an outfit picked, and a plan for your hair pretty much every time it comes up in the future.

Eventually, she will get annoyed with you grumping about wasting hours in the hair salon when you're ready for the day most days with a neat and attractive hairdo in 15 minutes or less. And she's likely to be especially annoyed if you look prettier and more elegant for a night out dancing with your friends than at formal family events. Most people (even mothers!) are not silly enough to keep doing something ineffective over and over and over again without ever changing :D.

In short, eventually she will get bored with wasting hours and lots of euros on forcing you to have the hair she wants, instead of looking as nice as you're really capable of.

[WaitingSoLong]

Ok I am really trying to see this from the mom's side, being that I have teenaged children...and I just can't. My kids do what they want with their hair as long as they take proper care of it (it gets detangled and is kept clean, dandruff is treated, etc.) They were all pretty much 12 when they started WANTING to make their own hair choices. 16? That should have happened long ago, really.

I have no advice, no words or encouragement, just bewilderment.

[spidermom]

I think it's wise not to go behind your mother's back or openly defy her. You want her cooperation, not her digging in her heels and telling you that you will do what she says because she's the mom and you're the kid.

I think the idea of doing the up-do that you wanted and showing her how it looks is a good one. She might like it.

I don't like the idea of asking the salon to do an updo because it usually involves hot tools, teasing, and spraying. You will have saved yourself 0 damage; a blow-out would probably be less damaging.

Whichever way it goes, try not to worry too much. Your hair will survive it.

I hope you get your mom's cooperation, though. You deserve it.

[DarkCurls]

I am also stunned, WaitingSoLong. And thank you, spidermom, that's such a nice thing to say. (Also, thanks for the advice about the updo at the salon, I hadn't thought of that.)
I'm trying to figure this out now. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you, you've made me feel a bit better and self-justified. You're all so kind and your suggestions make sense, I'll definitely give them some thought. I knew I had chosen the right place to vent about this. :p

[Kaelee]

When I was 17, I was forced to undergo a surgical cosmetic procedure that I didn't want, all because my mom was ashamed of how I looked. Again I was told I had no say in the matter.

Oh. My. God.

:agape:

I would hope if you'd told the doctor you didn't want the surgery he/she would not only refuse to perform the surgery, but call CPS. That is unacceptable in the least. I am so sorry.

:grouphug:

[Shermie Girl]

Dark Curls, sorry if this has been suggested, already, I didn't have the time to read the entire thread. Have you tried sitting down with your mother and having an honest, open, respectful discussion about this issue? Perhaps if you approach her in terms of an equal, woman to woman, telling her that you respect her point of view, that you can see that a certain aesthetic is most appealing to her but that you don't share this opinion. Perhaps try stressing that you respect her right to wear her hair as she chooses and that you would never try to force her to change her hair to suit your personal aesthetic and that you would appreciate it if she would respect your feelings about your hair and stop trying to force you to change yours.

Invite your mother to feel your hair, to appreciate the soft, silky texture, your springy curls and your shiny, natural to you tresses. Express to her how much you now love your hair, that you are at peace with it and with yourself since you stopped fighting against it and embraced it, embraced your true and real self. Finally, ask her to cancel the salon appointment and let you be who you are, to accept that you are growing up and finding your own path and that it is time to let you do that.

Growing pains. They aren't just felt by the one growing up, you know. They are felt, just as deeply by the one doing the raising of the one growing up. Sometimes a parent, in her zeal to "raise the child up, right" has difficulty seeing the forest for the trees and needs a little guidance in letting go, bending and seeing a different point of view. Be patient with your mother, this may take a little time. But I am willing to bet that in time, she will come around. :D

[Henrietta]

Understandable. I think my daughter was about 10 when I stopped telling her what I thought she should do with your hair.

Maybe at the appointment you could tell the stylist that you would like to have a deep conditioning treatment and a braided style (something like that).

I agree. Go there if you have to but tell the stylist what you want. It may be a good idea to tell your mum in advance, though. From what you wrote it looks like she doesn't want to cancel the appointment as much as she doesn't want you to go to the wedding with "your hair like this".
So, either go there for something else than straightening or go find a pretty wedding updo and show her, so that the "like this" will go away.
Not that I second the "like this". I don't. But for some people hair is just hair. If they keep it short anyway, they can straighten it every day, the damage will be cut off soon anyway.
Maybe try to make a big speech? :D Tell your mum that you've switched to more natural hair care and that naturally looking hair (your naturally looking hair) is not synonym of lack of care. You don't have to use tons of serums and straighten your hair often just because if you don't it looks like lack of care.
My dad used to laugh at my hair all the time. (I used to blowdry it with my head upside down, it was quicker for me, so it's not like h had nor reason at all... :D ). She has her standards. According to these starndards your hair may look messy without blowdrying it straight. Maybe try to convince her that 1. your opinion on this matter isdifferent and 2. you have the right to treat your hair according to your taste. You're 16 after all, not 10. She doesn't have to be afraid that if you go with your hair "like this" everyone will think that it's her "fault". ("Fault" in quotation marks and I repeat, I don't second the pejorative "like this". I don't believe your hair deserves it. I just quote.) It's not like you're 2 and the fact that you're walking around in a dirty dress is her fault and she's a bad mother, right? Even if someone won't like your hair they won't think that it's her who "allowed you to go out like this". Since you're 16, you can decide about your hair. And, above all, I don't believe that whatever you do, it will deserve the "like this" tag.

[SerinaDaith]

When I was 17, I was forced to undergo a surgical cosmetic procedure that I didn't want, all because my mom was ashamed of how I looked. Again I was told I had no say in the matter.

Like - I know a certain amount of control is appropriate. For example, many parents forbid their teens from getting tattooes or piercings until age 18. On the one hand, the parent in that case is dictating what the teen can do with his/her own body. But it is being done because the parent is still responsible for the health and wellbeing of the teen, and they probably feel those things would jeopardize that.

I am so very sorry. :grouphug:
I do however agree with the tattooes and piercing stuff. I have scars from piercings past and while I still love my ink I was an adult when I started getting work done, heaven only knows what I would have ended up with :rolleyes:

[Alvrodul]

When I was 17, I was forced to undergo a surgical cosmetic procedure that I didn't want, all because my mom was ashamed of how I looked. Again I was told I had no say in the matter.


Like - I know a certain amount of control is appropriate. For example, many parents forbid their teens from getting tattooes or piercings until age 18. On the one hand, the parent in that case is dictating what the teen can do with his/her own body. But it is being done because the parent is still responsible for the health and wellbeing of the teen, and they probably feel those things would jeopardize that.


Being coerced into having cosmetic surgery is abusive in my book. Especially since you were old enough that you would know that you don't want it.
Requiring parental consent for things like piercings and tattoos is a good idea for persons under 18, though. But this is a far cry from bullying a dependent into an unwanted and unneccessary procedure.
Your mother sounds like she has issues. :(

[neko_kawaii]

Ugh. I like the suggestions to call the salon and tell them what YOU want done with your hair, but I agree with Spidermom that it would be unwise to go behind your mom's back to do it. I hope you have the kind of relationship with your mother where you can sit down and explain all of this to her (without showing her the thread, I understand the desire for a personal space!). If she is unlikely to listen to you, is there anyone else that she would listen to that you could talk to and have step up to bat for you? Perhaps a female friend whos fashion sense your mother admires? Perhaps something as simple as getting such a person to compliment your curls in mother's presence? Leave a copy of Curly Girl laying around?

When my step sister graduated from college and various family were collected at my house to go to the ceremony my sister's mother suddenly turned to 22 year old me and said, "Oh, but you aren't wearing THAT to the ceremony?" I couldn't see what was wrong with a pretty floral print rayon jumper but I indulged her and changed into a floral print dress, put a clashing scarf over my hair and black lipstick on. She said, "Thats much better dear." I still laugh when I see the pictures, I look so hideous.

[DarkCurls]

We move around so much that my mother doesn't have any friends here. (Though your story made me laugh, too, neko kawaii.) The thing is, everyone I know exclaims over my curly hair... but she still prefers it straight. The other day she told me, "You know, last time I saw him your cousin said, 'Wow, Amanda (me) really looks good when her hair is straight!" That's the only kind of comment she picks up, I think. I have an aunt who has gorgeous curls, practically the same as mine (I have a picture where she looks like she could be my mother), but she's a bit too far away for me to ask her to tell my mom I look pretty. :p
Henrietta and Shermie Girl, thank you for posting. :) I really do think that talking to my mother is the only thing that can work, but we actually don't have the kind of relationship where I can pull her aside and have a calm, reasonable, adult talk. People have commented that we are very close -- once a complete stranger asked her if I was her daughter and said, You get along very well for a teenager and her mother --, and we are, I think. We love each other, of course. But she gets annoyed easily, and I'm very sensitive so I get hurt easily, which is a bad combination. I can only see such a conversation ending three ways: - us yelling at each other, - her yelling and me crying, - me backing out.

[Dragon Faery]

Aww. Hugs! :(

There's probably not enough time to have your own say in this one, but I do like the suggestion of keeping your hair in updos for the next few days to quietly demonstrate what you had in mind originally.

Don't let things like this ruin your relationship with your mother. I know it stinks to go through, though. :grouphug:

You may just have to be the grownup (as in, the one behaiving maturely) about this until you're old enough to leave home or sick of it enough to dig your heels in and refuse (politely).

My mother gives me grief about my hair, too, but I'm nearly 30 and live 8 hours away. When I'm around her I try to just make it a non-issue by keeping it up and never mentioning it.

There isn't an easy way through this, but hopefully you find the best way. Hugs and sympathy coming your way from all of us!

[didrash]

If I were you, I would definitely be pissed too! Can you try to talk to her - explain again how important your hair is to you and how her actions make you feel. Parents get into the habit of making decisions for their children, and find it hard to lose when the children have grown up :).

[BrightEyes]

I don't like the idea of asking the salon to do an updo because it usually involves hot tools, teasing, and spraying. You will have saved yourself 0 damage; a blow-out would probably be less damaging.

I agree with this. When I was working in a salon an "updo" consisted of curling small locks of hair, teasing, pinning them into place and plastering the whole thing with hairspray. Not the same "updo" we think of here.

I like the suggestion of sitting down with your mom and calmly talking to her about why you want to keep your hair natural. Also showing her the updo you want to wear may help change her mind. So many of the updos I see here are so classy and elegant, especially with a pretty flower added. I'm sure your hair will look stunning in a chignon or some other bun:)

I don't agree with going behind her back and canceling or changing the appointment. I think that would just cause more anger, not help your mom understand your feelings.

Lots of hugs, dearie. Moms can be difficult sometimes.

[ravenreed]

Since you are still living at home I assume, I would suggest not making life unlivable for yourself by making your mom angry. While you are old enough to know what you want for yourself, it isn't unreasonable for mom to want you to look acceptable for a big family function. Perhaps you two could sit down and negotiate something you both could live with? Grecian looking updo's are often prettier with curly hair, IMO. See if you can find some updo options ahead of the appointment and get mom's okay for something you both like. Then go in and ask for that.

ETA: I know it may seem like forever, but in two years you will hopefully be on your own and not have to worry so much about her thoughts on your hair. Hang in there.

[DoubleCrowned]

Well, here is an angle that might soften your mother:
Your mother is so excited about how you look at this wedding that she is willing to pay a salon to shampoo and straighten your hair. Maybe you can share her enthusiasm by agreeing that it is really nice of her to pay for a salon treatment.

However, because the treatment is shampoo and straightening--something you could do yourself for free--maybe you can coax her into getting more for her money. You shampoo at home, and they do a deep conditioning treatment. Instead of automatically asking for straightening, use the money to ask the stylist about suggestions for wedding hair. After all, the stylist is an expert--no use paying her to do what you already know how to do.

Let the stylist help you and your mom explore the possibilities together. You know your hair, and can possibly control the conversation so that it is obvious that there are options for your hair other than straightening. Tell her your experience with straightened hair any why you think there are other options and why you would like to try some. Maybe you can even take along pictures to inspire them both. The worst that can happen is you get your hair conditioned and straightened, but if you have your mom there hearing all the possibilities, maybe she will compromise and let you have a new style.

[verylittlecarro]

How about something along the lines of...

"Mum. I love you dearly and I know you love me.
But you need to know that you are hurting me. Each time you suggest that my own healthy, natural hair isn't good enough, that it needs to be straightened, changed, made to look different from how it is, you are saying that you don't actually like the way I truly am. That's a very bitter pill to swallow from my own mum.
I love my hair curly. Its part of who I am. Curly hair is beautiful. I'm not ashamed of my hair. I wish you loved it too, because you're my mum and I want you to accept and appreciate me unconditionally. I want you to think I am beautiful just as I am.
I'm sixteen, and I know you still have a say in my life. especially when it comes to preventing me from doing something damaging to myself. But this isn't a decision made in my best interests. I do not want my hair straightened for this wedding. This is my choice, and I am old enough to make it. If you are disappointed with my decision, then that makes me sad. I'm going to be caring for my hair in my own way from now on. I'm asking you to accept this. Whilst I know you may have found this hard to hear, I love you and I'd still like your blessing."

Or, ya know, your own words which would resonate with truth better than mine!

No mother knowingly wants to hurt their daughter. She isn't thinking clearly about the impact of the message she is giving you.

[Shepherdess]

Oh no! I'm so sorry about that. :( When I turned 15 or 16 my mom quite insisting on trimming my hair every few weeks. She even let me try growing my bangs out (she always used to insist that I have bangs). I have gained a lot of length in my hair since I quite having it trimmed so frequently. She still complains sometimes about my ends, but I like my hair with fairytale ends.

I really hope that your mom will start being more understanding of you. It is sad that she insists that you get it straitened. :( **big hugs**

[einna]

How about writing her a letter where you explain how you feel in kind, well thought through wording?

[CurlyCap]

I think that there comes a time when you just have to make a stand and do what you want with your hair! Maybe the time is right for you since you are definitely not enjoying your mom's input on your hair.


This.

Most of my life and into my twenties my parents were really overbearing about my hair, said it needed to be long, curly, and heavily restrained. It was a burden and I felt I had no control over what was growing out of my own head. Discussing different options would lead to arguments.

So, I did the WRONG this: I took a good hard look at myself, though about the ONE thing I had never gotten to do and (eventually) cut all my hair off.

Please don't let the situation simmer as long as I did. Talk to your mom about how you feel about your hair. Let her know that you respect that she's trying to do right by you, but that you don't agree with what she wants to have done.

She may not agree with you, but no stylist will flat iron the hair of a non-consenting customer.

To this day, my mom wants to brush my extremely curly hair while DRY so it can "be put up neatly, for a change". She's only starting to get used to me saying "No."

[Cafe au Lait]

How about something along the lines of...

"Mum. I love you dearly and I know you love me.
But you need to know that you are hurting me. Each time you suggest that my own healthy, natural hair isn't good enough, that it needs to be straightened, changed, made to look different from how it is, you are saying that you don't actually like the way I truly am. That's a very bitter pill to swallow from my own mum.
I love my hair curly. Its part of who I am. Curly hair is beautiful. I'm not ashamed of my hair. I wish you loved it too, because you're my mum and I want you to accept and appreciate me unconditionally. I want you to think I am beautiful just as I am.
I'm sixteen, and I know you still have a say in my life. especially when it comes to preventing me from doing something damaging to myself. But this isn't a decision made in my best interests. I do not want my hair straightened for this wedding. This is my choice, and I am old enough to make it. If you are disappointed with my decision, then that makes me sad. I'm going to be caring for my hair in my own way from now on. I'm asking you to accept this. Whilst I know you may have found this hard to hear, I love you and I'd still like your blessing."

Or, ya know, your own words which would resonate with truth better than mine!

No mother knowingly wants to hurt their daughter. She isn't thinking clearly about the impact of the message she is giving you.

I think this is an excellent idea. If she was aware of how much it was hurting you, she probably wouldn't insist on it.

[lilliemer]

My mother is/was the exact.same.way about my hair. This is made especially difficult when the two of you have very different hairtypes. My mother has pin straight, fine, thin, blonde hair and I might as well have had alien tentacles growing out of my scalp for all she could take care of it. If she didn't like it she would nag and insult me until I straightened it/cut it off/did a roller set/whatever. This meant that I never had my hair look the way I wanted it to (i.e. long) and now I am 33 and just now learning to stand up for my own opinions. When I look back at the epic battles we had over what is only a personal preference...but I was called ugly, a slob, etc...That hurts a lot especially coming from one's mother. I am sorry your mom is being coercive about your hair. Your hair sounds like it may be a flashpoint in your (natural) process of becoming your own person. I know it was for me, it was painful to get through but ultimately making your own decisions comfortably is worth the conflict and aggravation.

I think you have two options here. One is to be defiant, don't do the salon thing, bag the wedding if you have to, and draw a Line in the Sand regarding your hair. The second is to try to compromise. Many people have made the very nice suggestion of a braided or bunned professionally done style. Or you could talk to the stylist and see if she can do a natural, curly style on you? I just had this done recently after a trim, the stylist did little twists in my hair and plopped me under the hood dryer (gentle heat for only about 5 minutes) with some styling oil on. Curls came out quite nicely. So perhaps if you have a "professional" style your hair in a natural way, you can make your mom see reason, that your hair can in fact look looks good done in a way that makes the most of your natural curls? Wouldn't have worked in my situation but it may be worth a try for you. Good luck regardless! and PS, you have beautiful hair!!

[DarkCurls]

Missed a lot of answers while I was sleeping. You guys are awesome.


How about something along the lines of...

"Mum. I love you dearly and I know you love me.
But you need to know that you are hurting me. Each time you suggest that my own healthy, natural hair isn't good enough, that it needs to be straightened, changed, made to look different from how it is, you are saying that you don't actually like the way I truly am. That's a very bitter pill to swallow from my own mum.
I love my hair curly. Its part of who I am. Curly hair is beautiful. I'm not ashamed of my hair. I wish you loved it too, because you're my mum and I want you to accept and appreciate me unconditionally. I want you to think I am beautiful just as I am.
I'm sixteen, and I know you still have a say in my life. especially when it comes to preventing me from doing something damaging to myself. But this isn't a decision made in my best interests. I do not want my hair straightened for this wedding. This is my choice, and I am old enough to make it. If you are disappointed with my decision, then that makes me sad. I'm going to be caring for my hair in my own way from now on. I'm asking you to accept this. Whilst I know you may have found this hard to hear, I love you and I'd still like your blessing."
[snip]

Waaah, you're making me go all teary here.



So, I did the WRONG this: I took a good hard look at myself, though about the ONE thing I had never gotten to do and (eventually) cut all my hair off.
Ouch. CurlyCap, it is so wrong that I've been thinking of doing just that. I"ve wanted long hair since I was a baby, but I was so furious yesterday. Ah well, I hid my scissors because I'd hate myself forever if I did it.
(My mother also wanted my to brush my hair. She thought the reason it looked like it did was that I didn't brush it; it wasn't because she was mean, just that she's never had to deal with hair that's like mine. I obeyed, showed her the lion's mane that ensued, and she never mentioned it again. Now she buys combs for me. ^^)


Thanks liliemer, at least it's clear that way... Two options. :D And thanks for the compliment.
Thinking about all of these. Thank you.

[velvetvenus]

I really feel for you-my Mum is cool about my hair but I have friends who try and pressure me into straightening etc. Your hair is YOUR hair, be strong about it to show that this a something very personal and very precious to you. Wishing you luck, hope you manage to get some hair peace. :)

[Bene]

Tears and theatrics can come off as a tantrum, which translates to "Too immature to make a decision, so we're going to do it my way" A letter can come off as "My kid has watched too many made-for-tv dramas and Dr. Phil, totally irrational and immature, so we're going to do it my way." Every time I receive one of those cutesy little heartfelt letters, they get crumbled up into my garbage can and any esteem I had for the sender plummets. Sometimes irrevocably.


My advice, take it or leave it, I was a bit of a hardass as a kid, so I don't imagine this would hold any merit for anyone else :laugh:

A "No." A quiet but firm no. A good old fashioned "I have made up my mind on this" speaks volumes. She can schedule what she wants, just don't go.


My mom, she was a big time control freak, but even she learned that there are limits to what parents can get away with. My best weapon in that kind of situation was nothing more than a firm "No" and a willingness to take whatever crap came after. Get grounded for refusing to go to a family gathering? Coolness. I takes my lumps as I see fit. I'm still not going. No arguments, no discussion, just a solid "No."


But again, I was a hardass :laugh:

[DarkCurls]

Thank you velveltvenus!

It's not like she can really ground me, Bene. I mean, I don't see her taking my laptop away -- she's not like that -- and I'd still have my books to read. But she can be in an awful mood for days -- I've been on the receiving end of that, and it's not fun.
*cough* Today's her birthday. Eesh. I don't want her in a bad mood.
Haha. I'm so far from being a hardass.

[Becky9679]

I took a good hard look at myself, though about the ONE thing I had never gotten to do and (eventually) cut all my hair off.


Hahaha, that's one way of making sure that no-one can tell you what to do with your hair!


I'm sorry you're going through this. I do know how upsetting it can be to feel like you have no say over what is done to your own hair or body.

When I was sixteen, I had a friend cut my hip+ length hair back to BSL. I managed to hide it from my mom for a few weeks by wearing it up, but she did find out eventually. She went ballistic on me. She told me that I was still a child, and therefore I had NO RIGHT to alter my hair in any way without her express permission. She also told me that until I was no longer living in her house, I would have no say in how I was allowed to dress, what I could do to my hair, or any other aspect of my appearance because my body belonged to her until age 18 and a new residence.

When I was 17, I was forced to undergo a surgical cosmetic procedure that I didn't want, all because my mom was ashamed of how I looked. Again I was told I had no say in the matter.

This is extreme, obviously. But it's made me a bit sensitive to parents thinking, sometimes blindly, that they have unusual rights over their children's bodies.


That is absolutely awful, especially the surgical procedure! No person belongs to another, even a newborn child does not 'belong' to the parent, the parent takes responsibility for looking after the child and making sure it is healthy and does not come to harm but that doesn't equal 'property'.

What is your relationship with your mother like now? Has she ever apologised for treating you this way? I confess if that had happened to me I would probably cut all ties with my parent as soon as I left home.

As for the OP's problem I don't have any better advice to give than what has already been said. I hope you try a few of these suggestions and one of them works :grouphug:

My mother has always been very supportive in how I wish to dress and do my hair and makeup. I believe the only time she asked me not to wear something was a t-shirt with a sexually suggestive slogan on it when I was about 17. At the time the sat me down and said that she wasn't trying to control me but she thought that at the age I was such a thing could draw the wrong kind of attention and may even get me hurt. I feel that an instance like this (for the child's protection) is the ONLY time when a parent should have the authority.

[DarkCurls]

[snip]
As for the OP's problem I don't have any better advice to give than what has already been said. I hope you try a few of these suggestions and one of them works :grouphug:

My mother has always been very supportive in how I wish to dress and do my hair and makeup. I believe the only time she asked me not to wear something was a t-shirt with a sexually suggestive slogan on it when I was about 17. At the time the sat me down and said that she wasn't trying to control me but she thought that at the age I was such a thing could draw the wrong kind of attention and may even get me hurt. I feel that an instance like this (for the child's protection) is the ONLY time when a parent should have the authority.

Thank you.
My mother usually lets me do what I want with my hair. As for clothes, the most revealing ones I have are probably the ones she likes best on me and bought for me. I have a mini-skirt I would never dare to wear to school, for example. She's cool about things like that. In fact she's pretty cool about everything. She trusts me. She's even okay with me growing my hair to weird lengths.
But apparently she doesn't like how my hair looks enough for it to be immortalized by wedding pictures. :p I wonder what she'll think when I get married.

[RubySlippers]

DarkCurls can I just say how lovely your attitude to your mother and this whole thing has been! I know you needed to vent, but even the way you went about venting was so mature and respectful that I have no doubt that you will be able to work this issue out with your mother over time.

You say you have a great relationship with her and that is really wonderful, and worth a lot, and I don't think something as little (significant, important, personal, certainly, but little in the grand scheme of things - she's not forcing you into marriage!)... Something as little as hair is going to destroy that. Especially when you are clearly mature and respectful about your problem.

You say your Mom washes and blow dries her hair every morning, and highlights it too. I thought for a while that maybe she had similar hair to yours and hated her own hair, but you mentioned that she has never had to deal with hair like yours just a couple of posts back. Nonetheless, I think the fact that she does so much to her own hair speaks volumes. She obviously places a really high value on styled hair, and feels best about herself when her hair is furthest from being it's natural self. Maybe she is projecting that onto you. I.e. my daughter will feel best about herself if I help her 'tame' her hair, since hair in its natural state is not good.

Not just curly hair in it's natural state. *hair* in it's natural state. Hers included.

If that is the case then it's going to take her a long time to see the beauty in your natural hair, but I'm sure she will also slowly recognise your right to do what you want with it. My mom hates my henna ( I shouldn't complain, she hates it because my "natural colour is so pretty. I wish you wouldn't cover it") but she has learned to let it go.

I always think a good approach to conflict is what Stephen Covey recommended in the 7 Habits: seek first to understand, then to be understood. So that's why I have tried to suggest she your mom might be coming from. Perhaps I'm way off ( I don't know her or you) but its just some thoughts.

Oh, and hey, enjoy the wedding! By the time you get there what's done is done. So dance it off.

X

[DarkCurls]

Thank you for the insight RubySlippers (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/member.php?u=49375). (Yep, I will definitely be dancing enough to even forget about my hair, I'm sure.) I hadn't really looked at it that way.

:D Ah, no, no, no, I don't want anyone to get the impression that I think this is going to ruin our relationship. She's wonderful, of course I love her, and we do have a great relationship. I know we're closer than many of my friends and their mothers. My dad and my brother live in different towns, so we're alone together most of the time, and we get along fine. I'm not trying to be disrespectful because I know she's worthy of my respect. :p I'm glad you caught that.

[noot]

Darkcurls, I have to agree with RubySlippers that it is admirable the way you are trying to be respectful about your situation. When I reread your original post I thought why don't you just say to your mom what you posted? At 16 you should have the say so about what you do with your own hair. BTW, although I would not recommend it in any way shape or form, I was married with a daughter at 16. I think your mom thinks she is doing something special for you and her intentions are to make you happy and spend quality time with her lovely daughter doing something fun that you have done in the past. Just explain to her that you have made the decision to let your hair grow and don't want to cause damage to your hair. Share some things you've learn about how heat can damage hair. Tell her you would like to wear it up and perhaps when you have this conversation with her you can have an idea of a new updo that you can ask her opion on. Tell her you would love to go with her when she has her hair done and that you would like to get a pedicure instead. That way you are spending time with her doing something that she thinks is a special mom and daughter thing. You are clearly blessed as it seems your mom wants to share some special time with you, it's just that she doesn't understand that you have changed your thinking. Be kind and respectful in your approach. She will have a chance to see what a lovely young adult her daughter has become. Keep us informed as to how this all turns up and I'm sure your hair will be lovely which ever you decide, because beauty starts on the inside and you are already there.

[Eirelin]

How about, as someone else here mentioned, putting your hair a lot with different up-dos between now and then, maybe checking out some of the hair gurus on YouTube? For example, I know she is a straightie, but Lilith Moon has some gorgeous curly styles that she accomplishes in 5-10 minutes. You could show her some of those styles and perhaps the videos, too so she gets an idea of how elegant but quick and easy it can be.

[RedBlue]

Sorry, but I have no advice to give, only experience. When I was younger (around 9 or ten) my step mom would have me blow dry my hair and straighten the heck out of it for special occasions. She would always pull the round brush through my wet hair and I would wince because it hurt! She told my dad that she didn't know what to do with my hair, because it's thick, curly, unruly, and there is alot of it! She, on the other hand, has fine, thin, baby blonde, straight hair that will only hold a curl for an hour or two!

On days when there was no special occasion, just a family get together, she would put my hair up in a tight ponytail. It was only when I turned 12, did she stop messing with my hair. She would suggest I straighten it sometimes, or keep it curly other times. She even bought me a flat iron, heat protectant, and a curl enhancing cream! I still use the flat iron, though very rarely, like once every few months. I hated the curl cream! I have only tried a few curl enhancing creams/gels/mousses, but I have come to the conclusion that I hate it all!

On topic, yeah, I think an updo would be a nice compromise! Not an overly elaborate one (can't outdo the bride!), but something simple, yet elegant, like a low chignon with a braid around it!

[prismfaerie]

Awww I totally see where you're coming from *hug*... I'm 14 and I have really, really thick brownish-black hair which I dye blacker. Which really annoys my mom. And I'm in kinda the opposite situation as you...my hair is Asian straight and she spent like a lot of money on hot rollers to guilt me into using them for wavy hair.

Anyway, this was kinda long but I get how you feel. Maybe you could try to tell you mom how you don't feel she's giving you the freedom she should and see if she understands. I hope she does, but we shouldn't forget that 99% of the time our moms just want what they think is good for us. So they want us to look better, even if we disagree about what's better.

[DarkCurls]

That's the funny thing, prismfaerie. My mother would even be totally okay with my dying my hair... She's asked me lots of times whether I don't want to. (Black, like yours. Hehe.) :D I'm sure anything that can be done at a salon gets her approval. Natural hair, apparently, less so.


Thanks again, all of you.

[holothuroidea]

I'm sure your mother loves you and is doing what she thinks is best, but I think she is wrong. Honestly, I can't imagine dictating hair choices to a teenager. I don't even do that to my 4 year old.

You are a human being and you were born with rights that nobody is entitled to take away, and self-determination (including hair choices) is one of them.

I think maybe it is time for you to assert yourself on this matter. Just tell her no, and that the matter is not up for discussion. I like the idea of a heartfelt letter, too, because she does love you and I understand that you don't want to hurt her.

I wouldn't keep the appointment and get what you want, though. It's not your money, and that's not fair. I would cancel it. That's just me.

[Sheltie_Momma]

I thought your original post was well thought out and well spoken. Why not just print it out and hand it to her?

It's hard for me to speak though, I'm just not that kind of mother, I let my daughter control her own hair, and she is 4. :)

[DarkCurls]

Too late to cancel the appointment -- the salon is probably closed by this hour, and the appointment is tomorrow morning. I know I'm not going to get out of the actual appointment, that wasn't what I expected when I first posted because I think it was already too late. She didn't give me much time. :p Like I said, I just needed to vent, and you've all been wonderful about this.

Huge thank-yous are in order. I will most likely still have my hair straightened tomorrow, but I think my mother has realised how I took her remarks yesterday. :) I took your advice about wearing it up in a nice style today and she did notice (how couldn't she, I changed my updo three times today). She asked me to turn around and told me it was very pretty. And she said, if I wanted to, I could put it up for the wedding... after the salon appointment. :p Not the best thing that could have happened, but definitely more than I expected, and I appreciated the compliment. (Though what's the point in straightening hair, then braiding it? It'll be sooo slippery.) I think next time I know there's an event coming up, I'll just flat-out, very firmly tell her I'm not having it straightened or heat-styled in any way, that way if she does get an appointment I'll feel more comfortable with saying "No. I told you I wouldn't go."
Ah, well. Really, thank you for everything you said. :D

[rena]

I send you a big hug and support from my end. Your curls are very beautiful, and I feel sorry that your mum can't see that.

When it comes to my hair (and lots of other things too) my dad is quite controlling. He's very traditional and wants to see my hair long. While we are on the same page in that regard since I want my hair long too, he doesn't seem to understand my need to trim off damaged ends, because it makes my hair shorter. They're dry, they tangle and cause me to rip through my hair, but he doesn't have to deal with that. The last time I trimmed he said I looked like something I'll just say rhymes with bike. So, I just stopped trimming altogether because I got tired of the backhanded comments.

I wish I could give you some sound, helpful advice, but I haven't even figured out how to handle my own parent with this sort of thing. I've seen some good ideas here, and I hope someone can think of something useful that you can do. Best of luck.

[domisimone]

This is last minute, but pack a sandwich bag of your cowashing conditioner in a plastic bag and tell the shampoo person to use it. Say it was prescribed by a doctor for a scalp condition. If they ask you about it say "scalp psoriasis, but it's really under control right now and I want to keep it that way." Or you could say that you prefer not to talk about it, because it's a painful subject.
When they go to do the blow-out, ask them to do it on a cool setting with as little heat as possible, and bring your own heat protectant. If they object, you could always say "I'm the client. You're supposed to please me not vice versa." Most hairstylists (in my experience) are very money-driven. If it means you'll be happier and more likely to give them a good tip, they'll do it!
I hope you see these tips before your appointment! My mom arranged for me to get a blowout and a trim on Tuesday without telling me, and this is what I did.

[DarkCurls]

Thanks domisimone. It sounds dumb but I actually hadn't thought of asking the stylist to turn the heat down. I'm back now, with my hair straight as can be. I did ask her to turn the heat down, which she did, but it was still pretty hot.
I think it was my worst salon experience ever, just because I was in such a foul mood. And because last time I went to a salon I hadn't yet found LHC. I literally dissected everything the stylists did. Like, one rubbed my hair with a towel. I was shocked. XD Then a very nice woman (I had three stylists altogether, one for the shampoo, one for the conditioner, one for the actual styling) detangled my hair with a fine-toothed comb, but she was very gentle about it, telling me I had nice curls, it was long, I shouldn't cut it. Aside from me, she had the longest hair there, at around APL (I was a good fifteen inches longer than anyone else there except her, which I did not take as a good sign). But another stylist took over and was much harsher with it. I heard my hair snap. Oo Yeeeeow. Then she sprayed it with coney heat protectant and the stylist took out a round brush and a blow-drier.
Oh my god. Round brushes. I don't know why they ever invented those things. Have you seen the bristles on them? Eek. They kept catching on my hair, and the stylist had to rip through. I almost cried. She told me, "Your ends are dry. You need a cut." "Not today." "Gods, they're really dry. They need to be trimmed." "I'm not cutting them."
I kept wincing, so she told me I was sensitive, but I told her I didn't actually feel anything. It was looking in the mirror at what she was doing that hurt. I told her I was afraid of putting heat on my hair, and she said, "Oh, you shouldn't worry about heat once in a while. What you should worry about is the sun. It can really damage your hair." ... Um. I own a scarf. It's not sunny here. And I hardly go out.
Later, she told my mother, "Her hair isn't damaged, but it's very dry." Yeah, I knew that. Dry ends don't necessarily need a cut. In my book they need oil.
She also tried to sell me a coney serum (it's actually called hair oil, haha) for my ends. "Yeah... no thanks. I already have stuff at home."
Then when she was touching up my mother's highlights, I told her how I hadn't wanted my hair to be straightened. She was so surprised: "So it was your mother's decision? Oh. I didn't know -- don't be mad at me." That annoyed my mother, and we've been at each other's throats since. I kept talking to her while she was in the salon chair, because I couldn't keep it in anymore (obviously too late). "I didn't want to come... I like my hair when it's curly... You're always telling me it doesn't look good... I'm sixteen." She just huffed and rolled her eyes like I was being ridiculous. *sigh* Lost cause. Whatever. I've told her that was the last time, and that if she ever gets an appointment without my agreement again, I'm not going. What really annoyed me was that she was twisting everything around so that I sounded like a rebellious teen (which I'm not, really) who was just sulking (okay, I was sulking).
I did get quite a few compliments on my hair and how well I took care of it, though, which was nice.

Ah well, rant over now. Thanks everyone. :)

EDIT: Hey, something good actually came of it. My hair is longer than I thought it was.
It's also very dry. I've just applied a palmfoil of olive oil and it disappeared. Oo

[auburntressed]

I'm glad it's all over for you! Stick to your guns about not going to the salon without your consent next time, definitely.

Unfortunately, it is REALLY easy for an unhappy teen to be made to look "rebellious." All you have to do is openly disagree, and you are branded rebellious. This sucks, obviously. Adults who don't want to do this or that, go there, or be responsible for whatever are not viewed as "rebellious" simply for having an opinion that differs. Teens are.

[DarkCurls]

^^ I guess that's true, auburntressed.

The best bit is that it may rain at the wedding tomorrow. :D I'm hoping it does, it would be so funny. EDIT: because my curls would spring right back up on the way to the car, not because I'm hoping it rains on the bride and groom. The wedding is inside.

[AgnesONutter]

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Personally, I would make a point about finding your own salon after this. In my little town I have two places I trust with my long hair, for when I do of some reason want a professional cut, treatment or assessment. Both are run by women who understand what it takes to grow long, virgin hair and are so in love with my hair that they barely want to touch it. Really, it is almost annoying in the other direction, that when I've made up my mind to have it curled, or blown out for a special occasion, or cut back a bit they don't want to because it would be a pity.

In any case, my point is, that if you find a salon with people who know long curly hair, and understand about it, and whom you trust to handle your hair you will have a place to turn to and back-up for occasions like this. Someone professional to talk to your mother about options for naturally curly hair, show her pictures of ideas, and make her realise that there are more way than one to prepare for a special occasion.

[DarkCurls]

That sounds like a good alternative to what I was envisioning -- S&D and self-trimming. I'd prefer to do it myself, but I'm sure my mother would rather I get a "professional" cut. I'll walk to the salon up the street next week to chat with the stylists, see if they look promising. :p I'd rather go there, anyway; I'm sure it's cheaper and it's less far away.
The stylists at the salon I went to are rather nice, actually, but my mother is a client there, and there are no buses from where I live to there so I couldn't go anytime but with her, which is... not happening again.

[MissAlida]

Oh my....I know how you feel. My mother has been against me growing my hair long, because I shed alot, and the whole house is full of my hair. She tried to make me cut it into a pixie, she even treathened me that she'll cut it in my sleep (:rolleyes: I don't think she meant it, she was just annoyed). But I didn't cut it, and now she seemed to have given up on persuading me to do otherwise. So I try to gather my shed hair from the floors, and it is a win-win. She leaves me alone, and I can grow my hair in peace. You should put it up around her, and when she tries to make you straighten, flat out refuse her. She'll give up in time. You just have to be patient.:)

[domisimone]

When I was in the salon the stylist kept trying to jump me with a flatiron, because my blowout wasn't that good and was starting to frizz. But I ASKED FOR A BLOWOUT, and it was her fault it didn't come out good. So while I was surrounded by the smell of my Mom's hair burning without heat protectant, I sat and Dutch braided it. Right in front of her. The stylist was mortified. I laughed.
Also, I know I needed the trim, so that part I was okay with, but the bottom half inch of my hair is still rough. I asked her to try and get all of the splits, but I still have broomstick ends. So now I have to do my own S&D, which I was trying to avoid by getting it done professionally!
I walked in with about 3/4 inch of splits, but she created almost 1/4 inch more by rubbing my (very fine) ends with shampoo and then conditioner, "towel drying" with terrycloth (I could see the hair getting caught in the towel and felt it breaking as she pulled the towel away), and yanking through them with a cheap plastic comb. I completely understand.

[Silverbrumby]

I HATE the fact I have to keep changing my routine. I used Everstrong sulfate free shampoo and my hair love it. Now my hair is dry and it hates it. Loved Aussie 3MM conditioner then got weighed down. Loved leave in conditioner then it made it dull. Loved Cassia but now it appears to dry it.

Please for the love of my mental sanity, let me find something simple in terms of a routine.

[dainaleeo2]

I'm so sorry about that :\
I think that for some reason, everyone always assumes that straight hair is just the go-to, something that is really looked at as hair being 'styled properly' & if you leave your curls natural, then that's considered 'not doing anything with your hair' (can also be vice versa as well). If you have gorgeous lovely curls naturally, rock them! People pay money to get perms & attempt to get curls like that! But then again I think that women with curly hair in our culture feel the need to have this long, poker straight hair due to media influences & all of that jazz (look at the popularity of the straightening treatments, the keratin treatments, etc). It's crazy. So maybe your mom just falls into that category of people that idolize long, straight tresses. You should make her see that it isn't the only hair type in the world, & that curly hair is just as lovely as straight hair :) There's no reason why one is better than the other.
I wonder, though, if you had straight hair naturally...would she force you to curl it? Haha. It just seems that people always want you to go the opposite of what is natural to your hair when it comes to formal events...which I don't understand. Then that makes it...unnatural! Though I think they'd use the word 'polished.' Beats me.
Hopefully you can just sit down with her, tell her your point of view, your hair journey, & she should understand. Even if she doesn't, she can at least value your opinion & what you want to do with your hair. Communication is key :) Good luck!

[blondecat]

(((((((((((( Hugs)))))))))))))
I'm 48 and still fight with my Mum over my love of my hair in it's natural glory.

More ((((((((((((( Hugs)))))))))))))))

[CurlyCurves]

First of all, BIG hugs. I am so sorry that your Mother is being unsupportive and, excuse me for saying this, downright out of order.

As a fellow curly, I know how risky heat can be for our hair. For me, it's not so much damage that worries me. It's ruining your curl pattern. And, honey, it happened to me. I still have some 'curls' I may have to cut out if they don't revert.

I say stand your ground and refuse to go to the appointment. It's YOUR hair, YOUR body, and YOUR choice. She has NO right to dictate your haircare to you. None at all.

Why should you straighten your hair to go to an event? No.

Again, apologies for her behaviour, and here's another hug :grouphug:

Your hair is beautiful.

[Mesmerise]

Oh gosh! I am so sorry you're going through this with your mom. Honestly, it makes me glad my mother was never controlling over what I did with my hair (at least after I was 6 or so... I do remember getting an awful haircut that I hated just in time for my 6th birthday - I know it was then from the pics :D, and after that I dictated how I wanted my hair).

I mostly leave my DD to make her own decisions, although I do make suggestions for her (some work and some don't). She's also 10. I can simply not imagine making her do anything with her hair at the age of 16! I was pretty much allowed to do whatever at all with my hair at that age (cut, perm, dye etc.).

Afraid I can't offer you any real advice, as I'm not sure how to deal with a controlling parent who just doesn't leave you to make your own hair choices. I would be really, really annoyed if someone made me straighten my hair with heat after quitting heat (which I have for the past 18 months)!

[DarkCurls]

Sorry to bump this thread, but one last thank-you to everyone who helped. :) Story is now over, and I lost, but it was the last time and I've told her. She's already planning on scheduling an appointment for an end-of-summer trim, but it's not going to happen. If I want a trim (... I probably need one), I'll call for an appointment and I'll go alone.

I do wonder why she thinks straight hair is the way to go for an event. :confused: It's not like my hair looks that messy, even when it's curly. And I could have just put it up.

Thanks for all the hugs, advice, and support.