Horrible, ugly hair; family seems to hate me... (old thread)

[Lucky_Lucy]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I'll post it here anyway, because it is about hair an all.:D

I have to say that I've never had too much confidence in myself, because people were always bringing me down saying things that maybe were real and maybe not.
And to day it has reached the peak. I guess it is quite obvious, but I LOVE hair<3
And I have always considered my hair to be my best feature, I've never thought of myself as exceptionally pretty, I've always had crappy skin and well I wasn't very satisfied with myself.
And because I love my hair, I've been trying to make it look better&feel healthier. And since I've joined TLHC, I felt that my hair was becoming even more lovely&long. And I was so happy.
Right now my hair looks kind of bad(remind me NEVER to put honey in my hair again), but that's OK, since I'll wash it tomorrow and it will look great again:D
However my mother just told me something like this : "Your hair ALWAYS looks so HORRIBLE, I mean do you EVER use SHAMPOO!??? It always looks as if you haven't WASHED it...". I felt so...devastated when she said that, because I really thought my hair was looking nice, and yes, I do use shampoo(cone-free and only on my scalp, but I guess that doesn't exactly matter in this situation).:((
So I burst into tears(the first time I've cried in front of my mother in a long time) and I was just trying to tell her how that hurt me even more than the things that some guys at school said to me and that I've tried really hard to make my hair look good. But she didn't seem to understand...she kept saying stuff like "You're nuts" or "Why are you crying:rant:" or "What did they tell you?!".

Now, I'm wondering if I'm the only person in the world who has such unsupportive family members. I've always heard people say that when they seek support, they find it in family members, but that doesn't seem the case for me.:(
I'm also wondering if my hair is horrible. Though I guess sometimes it does look bad, usually it doesn't...but i might be wrong. I don't know

[Bunnysaur]

My mom is like that too :grouphug:
I came home for winter break last semester and she started flipping out about how my hair looked "greasy" like I didn't wash it. I thought my hair looked great.
It doesn't matter what she says about your hair; what matters is how YOU feel about it. It's not her hair, she doesn't have to live with it. Don't change anything based on what she, or anyone else for the matter, says. If you think your hair looks great, chances are it does. She might just be jealous. I know my mom is always trying to drag me down about my body, my hair, my face, everything, and it's only out of jealousy. :flower:

[Tisiloves]

:grouphug: I'm sure your hair looks lovely, parents always just pick something to harp on about.

Also I'm with you on honey, made my hair into a wire brush. :flowers:

[Vanille_]

Now, I'm wondering if I'm the only person in the world who has such unsupportive family members. I've always heard people say that when they seek support, they find it in family members, but that doesn't seem the case for me.:(

I also can't relate to people who say this. I would never seek support of any kind from my family. All I have left is my mother and sister and they are both alcoholics. My grandfather and aunt recently both died of alcoholism. So, yeah. The idea that family should be everything and what not - I don't buy that. If you can't find support from your family, then stop expecting it and move on to find people who will support you. For me, this is my husband and to an extent, his family. It could be good friends too. Surround yourself with people who love you and leave the rest in the dust.

[letibear]

I'm sorry that you're upset. Please remember that you have all the support in the world right here at these forums! :grouphug: :D

Your hair is already lovely, and as you watch your hair progress in length, health, and its overall look, you will feel even better!

[newbeginning]

I'm sorry you don't have the support of your family. I know it's hard but it doesn't matter what other people think. It is your hair and if you think it looks great then who cares what others may think. I find ignoring the negative comments (no matter who they're from) really helps.

[Hollyfire3]

I'm soooo sorry! I'm sure your hair is beautiful! Sometimes, it isn't our family where we get our support, this just means that close friends and others become our "family." I'm sorry your family is not close to you, but others can be just as important. Also, ignore what people say about your hair, its hard to do this, but it really is your own opinion that comes first. You aren't growing your hair for your mom, if you want you can even tell that to her, just so she knows her opinion will not break you, even if inside it does. I hope you start to feel better about yourself, it takes time to build confidence, but I'm sure you can get it. Remeber, you have all of us too!:D

[RitaCeleste]

Nope. My mother-inlaw was always telling me I needed to cut it. Or straighten it. Or both. Or the color didn't go with my skin. My ex would tell me to get a cut, then he'd not like the cut. Once I cut it in a shag and everyone loved but my ex who wasn't an ex at the time. His mom likes it if I dye it really dark because it makes my skin look paler and more even. He hates it that dark, he says it looks too gothy and I'm too old for that. He wishes I color it a brown. He saw me oiling it and said, "EWW you're making it dirty!" His mom rolls her eyes at that one, she's all for anything that cuts my frizz. They have had to get use to the fact that I like it long, simply cut, and Ronald McDonald Red. His mom said I should give the henna a go so I ordered some. The beautiful thing about getting older is sometimes you start to think what you want and what you think is just a valid as what anyone else thinks. You stop doing things to try to make people like you better or make others happy. You realize that earning people's respect doesn't have consume you. You are like me somewhat. You are a beautiful garden and the smucks in your life are letting it go to pot by tending it properly to make it blossom! They are trying to get peaches off an orange tree and so they won't let grow a single orange and be what it is meant to be. If that makes any sense?

[jeanniet]

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people aren't going to be what you want them to be. I can't imagine talking like that to one of my kids, but I can see my mom saying it to me. I don't think she means to be insulting; she's just kind of...blunt and tactless. I'm quite a bit older than you, I'd guess, and by now I have a pretty thick skin. She also told my younger son he needed a hair cut (several times, actually), but I came to his defense on that one.

Anyway, your mother is tactless AND blind--I looked at your picture and your hair is beautiful and shiny. :D Maybe your mother thinks washed hair = poofy hair? Yours looks so nice and sleek.

[ratgirldjh]

My mother is actually pretty supportive. But then again she gets my rejects (like my MP brush ;)) and also I buy her hair sticks and praise her now waist length silver hairs...

But my dbf thinks I am insane! He has pretty much given up on badgering me about using 'food' products (oil) on my hair but he still thinks I should just use grocery store shampoo and conditioner OR anything else but what I do use... lol but even he has become sensitive to fragrances so he understands a bit more lately.

On the other hand my dbf always asks me for soap and what he 'should' wash his hair with - so I think he is getting better!!!

And now if I go too long without re-touching my roots (I henna) he will ask me if I am going to do it again :D

I think that I just realized that if you want others to praise and compliment (or even notice) your hair that you need to take an interest in their hair!!!

[Amanah]

Could it be that your Mom was just having a bad day? and maybe other days she is more supportive? I hope that you can talk to her and let her know how important having lovely and long hair is to you. There are some days when we all feel out of sorts. I'm sure your hair is beautiful and I hope you feel better soon :)

[winship2]

I'm really sorry about this. Your hair looks lovely and really really thick and healthy. I bet it will be gorgeous as it grows. You see your hair day to day and make the choices about care that makes it look the way you want it to, so if you're getting the result you like, well, that's what counts. If you're not getting the results you want, I hear there's this whole group of long hair care weirdos online... But as for your mom, I don't know why, but sounds like she's not able to be supportive of you, at least right now. The advice you received is good: you have to find your "family", i.e. the friends who are going to build you up and give you praise as well as constructive criticism. From the right people that's a good thing. I know that you can find them, good luck.

[Ticky]

:grouphug:

My parents are like that, too. I would be happy about something one moment, and the next they made me feel awful about it. Over the years I learned not to take it to heart, and simply shrug it off. It still gets me sometimes, but much less.

[LaFlor]

Mom and DH don't support me not washing my hair everyday and trying all kinds of wierd stuff for it... but I just ignore them :) Although hair is really important to me I've just accepted that they don't "get" it and when I need hair support I can find it here on LHC! Don't let your family get to you... sometimes people just don't know anything even when they think they do!

[dollyfish]

"You're nuts" or "Why are you crying:rant:" or "What did they tell you?!"

Your mom is being incredibly hurtful. I'm hesitant to judge from only one interaction, but I am inclined to wonder whether your self confidence issues don't have some roots in how your family treats you. This is NOT an acceptable way to behave to anyone, let alone one's own child.

You are not nuts for feeling upset that your mother rudely insulted you. I'm sure your hair is beautiful. Perhaps she expects your hair to be frizzy and dry and "clean" like most everyone else's.

Either way, it is the problem of your mother and everyone else who is putting you down if they feel this way. You and your hair are just fine.

[Cupofmilk]

My mother hates long hair full stop. She thinks mine always looks dirty or oily. Women over 30 should never have hair longer than shoulder length apparently.

[ravenreed]

I am very lucky that friends and family support my hair goals (except for my sons, but they have to clear the hair clogged drains for me so I understand). I am sorry your mom was mean. All you can do is explain that you don't want to hear negative comments and walk away if and when she starts being negative again. GL on your hair goals.

[ladylowtide]

:grouphug: My mom is the same exact way.

My favorite quote: when I was going through some low-selfesteem issues as a teen and thought I was ugly I asked here with the utmost sincerity if I was beautiful, she replied, "well.... you have big lips..." :( she wouldn't say was pretty! Or even average. ugh but I digress.

I have learned after being moved out for almost a year that lot of my self-hate, and feelings of ugliness stem from my mother and her "kind words" throughout my formative years. Now being away from her I have never felt more beautiful. I came to thinking that maybe she made me feel so ugly because she thought that she would never be pretty enough. In this way I can let what she has said to me go, and still love her, instead of hating her.

Try not to place too much value on what someone who is negative like that has to say to you. Try and find some supportive IRL friends, and know of course the that lovely folks on LHC will always try and be supportive too.

Dont' let it get you down.

PS: your hair great, I saw the one in your album, so thick and pretty, you are truly going to have mane to be jealous of.

[lapushka]

If I didn't have my family's support, I wouldn't have long hair. Because of certain circumstances, my mom helps take care of it, and actually trims it for me.

[Amber_Maiden]

I'm so sorry. That's horrible of your mother *big hugs*

[Isilme]

Your mother must be blind! You have the most gorgeous and shiny hair! I have never seen hair that shiny, someone please hand me the sunglasses;) Whatever you do, keep doing it and I'm sure it will be even more beautiful as it grows. And I'm not saying this to be nice, I only compliment the hair pictures I really like.

Sometimes it is easier to not talk about some things with your family.
Try to work on that self esteem, you sure have hair to be proud of!

[Tawnylioness]

my father can never say anything nice, i would make teddy bears and show him as he is the only family i have and he would tear them down, even if they win in bear shows..some people are just negative nellys...if you love your hair then there is nothing wrong with it, i can see in your pic that you take care of it *hugs*

[embee]

My mom had an image in her mind of what I should look like. She had this idea even before I was born. Unfortunately I didn't fit her image - no soft golden ringlets, no sweet little girl playing with dolls and teasets. It was only after I was grown that I realized exactly what was going on - she was disappointed: the child she had was not her dream child.

That was *her* problem, not mine, but she seemed to be blaming *me*.

Perhaps this is where your mom is too? Try not to take it personally. Perhaps do not talk about your hair with your family, just let it be not a topic of conversation any more. Let them say whatever, but try not to respond. Don't give them any ammunition! ;)

You are at a difficult age, and a very sensitive one as well. I remember being a teen and it wasn't much fun for me. Good luck.

[jillosity]

I'm so sorry your mother said such thoughtless things to you, I looked at the photo in your profile, your hair is shiny and gorgeous. My family has never been supportive of me in anything I've ever done. My mother has often said the same sort of thing to me. There's a history of mental illness in my family, and although I always knew my mom was "crazy" I am thinking now that she is actually, really crazy. There's a huge disconnect with her, for her it's ok to say that sort of thing, and other things so bad and pointedly hurtful I can barely believe it when she's said it, I should be ok with it and not be hurt. I was able to bear it for a long time but it's becoming harder as I get older.

You won't always need to be around family, I moved out as soon as I could.

::hugs::

[SongofLove]

Wait, what?? I looked at your hair photo on your profile and your hair is GORGEOUS! It looks really pretty, shiny, thick and healthy, and I love the color. How that could be called "horrible" in any universe baffles me...

[zaibunny]

Wow, it looks so thick and luscious! :D
I'm jealous, that's amazing!!

[long&blonde]

Friends are the family we choose. :)

Insults are More common than support from family I think.
I think its jealousy & family politics related.
Meanwhile you know we are constantly saying "You look beautiful!" To their short perms and what not;
To make them feel good,& we know its what they want to hear. Maybe they are rude in comments on appearance to us:because they want the truth too?
And they wonder how someone w/our superlong natural hair could be so complimentary of a supershort cut & tight perm? Yet you know they don't want truth. Give them that and you'll grt the "you are dis-owned, you give them chest pains/ulcers" response. Its no win with family.
Friends Are the family we choose.
As is LHC.
:)

[patienceneeded]

Bah. The only person in your life that you can change is yourself. If your mom is going to be negative, she's going to be negative. Ignore her criticisms and negativity. Likely, she is just unhappy and searching for an outlet to be unhappy at. Unfortunately, her outlet is you. Walk away my friend, love yourself, and be the best YOU that you can be.

BTW - Your hair is GORGEOUS! Clearly, your mother is blind.

[MiamiPineapple]

Same situation here. Mothers can be SOO judgemental sometimes. I am 28 and my mom still gives me crap about things. She is the reason I ruined my hair trying to get rid of the black (which I liked by the way). I have just learned that if she says something I don't like, I tell her to stop and keep her opinions to herself. I also tell her that we are not the same person and never will be.

You have to be stong with who you are and don't listen to others. Also realize that families like everyone else are only human and they can say things that are hurtful without realizing.

Just rememeber don't EVER compromise who you are for someone else.

BTW I saw you said you have bad skin. If by bad you mean acne, I migth suggest you try Reviva 10% Glycolic Acid Cream. I struggled with acne for 15 years and this is the only product that worked for me. My skin has been clear now for 2 years. I will never be without it.

[natural_shine]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I'll post it here anyway, because it is about hair an all.:D

I have to say that I've never had too much confidence in myself, because people were always bringing me down saying things that maybe were real and maybe not.
And to day it has reached the peak. I guess it is quite obvious, but I LOVE hair<3
And I have always considered my hair to be my best feature, I've never thought of myself as exceptionally pretty, I've always had crappy skin and well I wasn't very satisfied with myself.
And because I love my hair, I've been trying to make it look better&feel healthier. And since I've joined TLHC, I felt that my hair was becoming even more lovely&long. And I was so happy.
Right now my hair looks kind of bad(remind me NEVER to put honey in my hair again), but that's OK, since I'll wash it tomorrow and it will look great again:D
However my mother just told me something like this : "Your hair ALWAYS looks so HORRIBLE, I mean do you EVER use SHAMPOO!??? It always looks as if you haven't WASHED it...". I felt so...devastated when she said that, because I really thought my hair was looking nice, and yes, I do use shampoo(cone-free and only on my scalp, but I guess that doesn't exactly matter in this situation).:((
So I burst into tears(the first time I've cried in front of my mother in a long time) and I was just trying to tell her how that hurt me even more than the things that some guys at school said to me and that I've tried really hard to make my hair look good. But she didn't seem to understand...she kept saying stuff like "You're nuts" or "Why are you crying:rant:" or "What did they tell you?!".

Now, I'm wondering if I'm the only person in the world who has such unsupportive family members. I've always heard people say that when they seek support, they find it in family members, but that doesn't seem the case for me.:(
I'm also wondering if my hair is horrible. Though I guess sometimes it does look bad, usually it doesn't...but i might be wrong. I don't know\

Girlfrriendddd... how old are you honey?

[julierockhead]

I think when people see healthy shiny hair like yours, which is actually pretty rare in our culture, they don't know quite what to make of it. Hairsprayed crispy processed hair is so common it seems normal. In any case, you need to harden your heart a bit. These years are usually rough for mothers and daughters; try for friendly, respectful distance, and find what you need emotionally elsewhere. Hopefully in a decade or so you and your mom can be closer, and if not, it really isn't a tragedy. When you have kids you will know better than to act like your mom :)

[ravenheather]

My mom is not supportive of me growing my hair. #1 she doesn't like long hair on herself or anyone. #2 she doesn't believe my hair will grow because it's fine and thing. I just don't talk about it with her. Which is sometimes hard because I live with her. I found it's best to just focus on whatever common ground you have. Your hair is lovely. Don't worry about it.

[Lucky_Lucy]

Thank you so much, everyone!!!! :flower: I wish I could just reply to absolutely everyone !
1. This thing that happened with my mother had made me so sad,but seeing all the nice things everyone said, comforting me and all those compliments regarding my hair that I wouldn't have even expected to receive, I'm feeling so much better and happier. :D
It really has boosted my confidence! Thank you all.
2. Even though my mother does say that I spend way too much time on this forum and I even realize that sometimes I do cross the line a little bit(sometimes, instead of doing my homework, I just hang around here :o ), there's just no way I'd EVER regret finding & joining LHC. Not only the condition of my hair has improved since I've joined, but I've found so many great people that are hard to find IRL.
3. I really don't have many 'close' or 'real' friends IRL(at school I talk to many people, but that doesn't make all them my friends, simply because there are many who have just bad intentions), but I'm really happy to have them(like you said, they are my family). The people I've met on LHC are really non-judgmental and very nice. That's why it really feels like you can tell almost anything to the people here, just like a big happy family!:grouphug:

Thank you a whole lot! This really helps, because I do have self-confidence issues, and other people either tell me bad things("You're so stupid.", though I've always been quite the smart one in the class, or, about me: "She doesn't even LOOK like a girl...") or they say good things just because it's nicer to say them and because they want to be nice to me so that I could help them with something. Most of them are not honest and even if they are, they're being really mean. So hearing(or well seeing) you all, who wouldn't even have any reason to lie, say such nice things makes me feel very happy! ^ ^ :flower:

[Silverbrumby]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I'll post it here anyway, because it is about hair an all.:D

I have to say that I've never had too much confidence in myself, because people were always bringing me down saying things that maybe were real and maybe not.
And to day it has reached the peak. I guess it is quite obvious, but I LOVE hair<3
And I have always considered my hair to be my best feature, I've never thought of myself as exceptionally pretty, I've always had crappy skin and well I wasn't very satisfied with myself.
And because I love my hair, I've been trying to make it look better&feel healthier. And since I've joined TLHC, I felt that my hair was becoming even more lovely&long. And I was so happy.
Right now my hair looks kind of bad(remind me NEVER to put honey in my hair again), but that's OK, since I'll wash it tomorrow and it will look great again:D
However my mother just told me something like this : "Your hair ALWAYS looks so HORRIBLE, I mean do you EVER use SHAMPOO!??? It always looks as if you haven't WASHED it...". I felt so...devastated when she said that, because I really thought my hair was looking nice, and yes, I do use shampoo(cone-free and only on my scalp, but I guess that doesn't exactly matter in this situation).:((
So I burst into tears(the first time I've cried in front of my mother in a long time) and I was just trying to tell her how that hurt me even more than the things that some guys at school said to me and that I've tried really hard to make my hair look good. But she didn't seem to understand...she kept saying stuff like "You're nuts" or "Why are you crying:rant:" or "What did they tell you?!".

Now, I'm wondering if I'm the only person in the world who has such unsupportive family members. I've always heard people say that when they seek support, they find it in family members, but that doesn't seem the case for me.:(
I'm also wondering if my hair is horrible. Though I guess sometimes it does look bad, usually it doesn't...but i might be wrong. I don't know

deleted that out. TMI.

[heidi w.]

First, it appears you may be of a different culture than I am. I am assuming Asian? As a former private teacher, I've had quite a few Asian parents, and a subset of these parents were kind of critical of their kids, I found. Some people just don't know how to talk to kids. I felt particularly for one young student I had who was a fine budding flute player, and all her mother ever did was humiliate her in public and put her down. Sure, she was a bit larger than perhaps her siblings, but she showed a ton of potential, and she was young. She also was a very pretty girl, but chances are she had no way of knowing or believing that because of the constant put-downs from her mother. I could see the pain on her face. Her best friend took lessons with me as well and reported to me that this parental behavior by her mother was fairly constant on a daily basis. She was a lovely girl, quite intelligent, and a true sweetie pie.

Parent's don't typically despise their children, although my mother takes the cake on that point. She went to the extent of committing one of her children to foster care, beat my sister before this event occurred, and took to refusing her calls. It was awful to hear what went on the phone and my mother's complete meanness. It was so vicous, it was beyond beyond. No one ever said a thing, and this has persisted for decades. My mother is a real piece of work, but that's the way it was back in those days. Now, we're over it and it doesn't matter anymore as we each have our own lives and own problems we have to cope with. I will never understand her. And believe me, I've tried. I just can't put one and one together.

It's entirely possible that some stuff is being applied too heavily, and possibly making your hair look greasy or oily-ish. I see you joined Jan 2012, and we're only six months in from this date. Maybe you need a little more practice with a few suggestions you've taken up as part of your routine. Maybe you're waiting too long between hair washes? About every third day, hair washing is necessary for most.

It does appear that your mother doesn't understand what you're doing, what your goal is. Don't add all this up to equal my mother doesn't like me. It doesn't mean that. It means, that you and she have different definitions of what nice hair looks like. And that's it. It's entirely common in the beginning to overdo things, to be a bit heavy-handed in applying product, and actually not realize it.

In case it may be of help, I offer you a recent youtube video I did on detangling, oiling, and boar bristle brushing my hair, plus an updo that folks with a bit longer hair can do, that is a nice, simple updo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjVwPKMQDYk

Hopefully it proves useful. And remember, one change at a time so you can see how well or not it works, and easily identify the culprit if something doesn't work.

Continued good luck on your long hair journey,
heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Well, I just took a look at your profile, found a hair album, and found one photo of the back of your hair. It looks fine; there's nothing wrong with your hair OR you. There's just a misunderstanding on the definition of what is "nice" hair. So carry on and be happy. Everything is fine. Maybe she was having a bad day and just needed to blurt. Hopefully your mother feels better too. Don't take it to heart. That's not how it's meant.

Sometimes adults get upset and the smallest irritation can make them blow up. You have to kind of remember that she's not going to share everything with you, and you may have found one of the differences between you two. That's a good sign. It means you're establishing your own independence and autonomy. It's a process that takes a bit of time.

In another few years, you'll view an incident like this very differently. Promise. But your hair is in fine shape, so carry on.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

I spent my growing up years in a very critical environment that loved to reinforce how I was supposedly stupid. It took me a long time to gain confidence and realize that the stupid people are those that waltz around telling others they're stupid, or ugly or whatever. If all the evidence available points to the contrary, then the evidence is your proof that the person standing in front of you asserting their claim is essentially lying. You just have to learn to ignore this kind of crap, and go on and be the best you can be. And when you get older, you will have pretty skin. Don't worry. It does get better, but it takes time. These kind of assertions on other people's part betrays a kind of personal issue with their own insecurity about who they are in life, and possibly also where they're at in life. It has nothing to do with who you are.

heidi w.

[Lucky_Lucy]

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people aren't going to be what you want them to be. I can't imagine talking like that to one of my kids, but I can see my mom saying it to me. I don't think she means to be insulting; she's just kind of...blunt and tactless. I'm quite a bit older than you, I'd guess, and by now I have a pretty thick skin. She also told my younger son he needed a hair cut (several times, actually), but I came to his defense on that one.

Anyway, your mother is tactless AND blind--I looked at your picture and your hair is beautiful and shiny. :D Maybe your mother thinks washed hair = poofy hair? Yours looks so nice and sleek.

My mother actually has the same age as you(or well, one/two year/s older, but I guess that doesn't exactly matter). I guess you'd have a lot more life experience than me. However I think that unfortunately you're wrong about the "not insulting" thing. I mean I wish it was like that(and maybe in this case, it was, maybe she was just trying to say what she thought of my hair and didn't find any other way to say it; I know how that feels, since I'm pretty bold myself). However, there were many times when my mother had insulted me and also been kind of violent with me(both when I was little and now, too...we had a pretty horrible fight yesterday too :cry:). It's true that I'm not the nicest person with her either and that I have kind of a volcanic temperament. It's just that sometimes I wish my mother was calmer and more understanding...



:grouphug:

My parents are like that, too. I would be happy about something one moment, and the next they made me feel awful about it. Over the years I learned not to take it to heart, and simply shrug it off. It still gets me sometimes, but much less.

I know how you feel, the same thing happens to me all the time. Like when my grades were straight A+, my mother would always find *something* that was wrong, or that "could have been better".


Your mom is being incredibly hurtful. I'm hesitant to judge from only one interaction, but I am inclined to wonder whether your self confidence issues don't have some roots in how your family treats you. This is NOT an acceptable way to behave to anyone, let alone one's own child.

You are not nuts for feeling upset that your mother rudely insulted you. I'm sure your hair is beautiful. Perhaps she expects your hair to be frizzy and dry and "clean" like most everyone else's.

Either way, it is the problem of your mother and everyone else who is putting you down if they feel this way. You and your hair are just fine.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm pretty sure you're right, because my mother has always been like this to me. I grew up in this kind of environment. My mother and my grandmother(and my cat!) have always been kind of my only family. When I was little, I would rarely go out or play with other kids. Sometimes, when I went somewhere with my father(my mother& my father are separated), my mother would always say how he can't take proper care of me(because I had a lot of bruises, since I've always been an active child) and she told me horrible things about him. She also seems to blame me for some of her problems, saying that I make her look bad or irresponsible in everyone's eyes.
I guess her behavior towards me has made me lack self-confidence..But I'm also sure that this can be fixed, so I'll try not to worry too much.:D


my father can never say anything nice, i would make teddy bears and show him as he is the only family i have and he would tear them down, even if they win in bear shows..some people are just negative nellys...if you love your hair then there is nothing wrong with it, i can see in your pic that you take care of it *hugs*
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that!:( *hugs back* I'm sure your teddy bears are lovely, and you must be really talented to be able to make them! I've always wished to try to make one. Maybe if I ever succeed I'll show it to you(though I'm sure mine wouldn't look as nice as yours, but it'd still be fun to make one):D Thank you so much for your supportive words!


Same situation here. Mothers can be SOO judgemental sometimes. I am 28 and my mom still gives me crap about things. She is the reason I ruined my hair trying to get rid of the black (which I liked by the way). I have just learned that if she says something I don't like, I tell her to stop and keep her opinions to herself. I also tell her that we are not the same person and never will be.

You have to be stong with who you are and don't listen to others. Also realize that families like everyone else are only human and they can say things that are hurtful without realizing.

Just rememeber don't EVER compromise who you are for someone else.

BTW I saw you said you have bad skin. If by bad you mean acne, I migth suggest you try Reviva 10% Glycolic Acid Cream. I struggled with acne for 15 years and this is the only product that worked for me. My skin has been clear now for 2 years. I will never be without it.

Thank you for your advice!:flower:
About my "bad skin", I do have some acne(I guess most teens have it), but it's not very serious anymore. I will try the cream you suggested, I'm sure glycolic acid is good for this kind of problems, maybe it would also help exfoliating? That way I could get rid of any scars I have left.(I used to be a skin picker and my skin is kind of scar-prone :( )

[jacqueline101]

I wouldn't let someone make you feel bad about your hair. Keep growing and it working towards your goals.

[Lucky_Lucy]

Heidi w
First of all, I have to thank you for taking such a long time to respond! Absolutely everything that you said is very helpful.
Unfortunately, I'm not Asian.(But I've been told before that I look as if I were Asian&I love Asian culture&languages). Though I do have some Asian roots, I was born in Europe. A much as culture might take an important part in education&the way people act toward their family members, in our country, culture has become something that is not so important anymore.(Which I find very sad, because no one will remember it for its beautiful culture.)
I guess that family circumstances and also my mother's personality(she's a very negative-thinking person :( ) would influence the way she treats me. My mother is usually like this, whether or not she had a bad day, she would always get annoyed over something stupid(bad grades, bad weather, bad something, anything, something that my grandmother says, the cat etc). She is a very grumpy person and it's not always fun to be with her(though sometimes we joke &laugh a lot).
What you said about not thinking that she hates me, I'm sure you're right, it's just that sometimes I get so depressed that only negative thoughts pass through my mind, especially because I've never thought I was too likable.
I'm so sorry to hear about those issues with your mother. :grouphug: I know that family problems are always hard to forget. Whenever I remember some violent things that happened with my family, I still feel kind of sad...But life goes on and we'll always have our friends who will be there for us. :)
Thank you so much for all your advice! :flower: I know that you are much older than me and that is great, because you surely have gained a lot of experience throughout the years. You must have been in my shoes and getting advice from someone who's been there is extremely helpful!
You video was indeed very helpful! I won't use a BBB because I'm vegetarian, but I hope I can find a cruelty-free alternative to it! Your hair is so long!!! And the updo is great! I can't wait until my hair grows so I can try more hairstyles.<3

[jeanniet]

However I think that unfortunately you're wrong about the "not insulting" thing.

Oh, I didn't mean your mom, I meant that my mom doesn't mean to be insulting even though she is. You know your mom better than I do, so if you think she means to hurt your feelings then maybe she really does. Which is very sad, of course. Even when I've been very angry with my kids I've tried hard not to make anything personal. I did call my son a brat once--still feel bad about that!

I think when you're younger it's easier to be hurt by what other people say, and I wish that people would think before they say something that could be hurtful.

[spidermom]

That's horrible, your mom should have her parenting license revoked.
Oh, wait a minute, she didn't have to get a license.
Any A-hole can be a parent.

That's the problem, not your hair.

[Wavelength]

I've found that hypercritical people are generally very insecure themselves -- and they're projecting that onto everyone else.

They don't like themselves. They pick themselves apart just as much (or even worse) as they do the people around them. They have a constant nagging voice in their head that's always criticizing, all the time.

If they don't have anyone else around to harass, then they automatically start criticizing themselves. They can't handle it, because who do you run from when it's yourself? So they push that voice, that hypercritical nag, on everyone else so they don't have to hear it turning on themselves. Also in the back of their mind, they think if they cut everyone else down, then they won't seem weak. They hate weakness and they fear it in themselves.

What you're listening to is a projection of how your mother likely feels about herself. The only thing that changes are the details of what she picks on to criticize.

It doesn't excuse what she's doing, however, and you certainly don't have to just sit there and take it. But if you can understand where it's coming from, it might be a little easier to deal with.

[Alexblue]

I think your hair looks lush :-)

I can't believe I'm going to quote Ivana Trump but “gorgeous hair is the best revenge”.
So true.
Work towards your hair goals and don't listen to what she or anyone else says.

[Thinthondiel]

I, too, have a very unsupportive mother who sometimes says things to me (and my sister) that are incredibly rude. She would never dare behave the same way towards other people, but apparently since we're family, she thinks it's okay. Luckily, we're used to her and most of the time, we just ignore it when she says stuff like that. However, she has managed to really get under my skin a few times... one of those times was when she said something about my hair. I was doing WO, and she kept commenting on how gross she thought it was, that I should start shampooing again, that my hair looked stringy, etc., and she always said it with such disdain in her voice that I just got really infuriated with her. She said it one time too many and I couldn't help it; I just snapped and pushed her. She didn't fall, but it wasn't a very gentle push either (in my defence I tend not to know my own strength even under normal circumstances, and that was right after I'd had a very muscle-building summer job), and it took me as much by surprise as it did her. I guess you could say that pushing your mother borders on domestic abuse, but in all honesty I think that her negativity and putdowns also border on (mental) abuse.

[Ookami]

Most people, family, colleagues etc don't like my hair... it's too long too wild etc etc... oh well...
I completely agree with what Wavelength said
It's just a bit hard to keep on your track sometimes when you get daily looks , comments and sometimes very harsh critics... keep true to yourself even if they hurt you; you'll probably be more hurt by your own betrayal :D (worse to give in to people than to cope with their critics...)

[swearnsue]

Are there any clubs you can join or sports you can get involved with at school to get you out of the house more often?

[lapushka]

I won't use a BBB because I'm vegetarian, but I hope I can find a cruelty-free alternative to it!

Try looking into the "Tangle Teezer" (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=9334&highlight=tangle+teezer) brush.

[CurlyCurves]

Oh sweetie, that's horrible!

((hugs)) although not related to my hair, my Mother can be the same way. I can't even begin to tell you how it's damaged me.

Here's another hug for you ((huggles))

[heidi w.]

Heidi w
First of all, I have to thank you for taking such a long time to respond! Absolutely everything that you said is very helpful.
Unfortunately, I'm not Asian.(But I've been told before that I look as if I were Asian&I love Asian culture&languages). Though I do have some Asian roots, I was born in Europe. A much as culture might take an important part in education&the way people act toward their family members, in our country, culture has become something that is not so important anymore.(Which I find very sad, because no one will remember it for its beautiful culture.)
I guess that family circumstances and also my mother's personality(she's a very negative-thinking person :( ) would influence the way she treats me. My mother is usually like this, whether or not she had a bad day, she would always get annoyed over something stupid(bad grades, bad weather, bad something, anything, something that my grandmother says, the cat etc). She is a very grumpy person and it's not always fun to be with her(though sometimes we joke &laugh a lot).
What you said about not thinking that she hates me, I'm sure you're right, it's just that sometimes I get so depressed that only negative thoughts pass through my mind, especially because I've never thought I was too likable.
I'm so sorry to hear about those issues with your mother. :grouphug: I know that family problems are always hard to forget. Whenever I remember some violent things that happened with my family, I still feel kind of sad...But life goes on and we'll always have our friends who will be there for us. :)
Thank you so much for all your advice! :flower: I know that you are much older than me and that is great, because you surely have gained a lot of experience throughout the years. You must have been in my shoes and getting advice from someone who's been there is extremely helpful!
You video was indeed very helpful! I won't use a BBB because I'm vegetarian, but I hope I can find a cruelty-free alternative to it! Your hair is so long!!! And the updo is great! I can't wait until my hair grows so I can try more hairstyles.<3

I'm sorry. When I saw a photo of your hair from the back, it appeared Asian to me. Apologies for my assumptions. When I was young, I had no one to talk to. Members of my family, to do this day do not believe me, and do not believe my mother treated her kids the way she did. I've tried to set them straight, but they don't want to know. So I let it go. No single family member ever put a stop sign up to my mother; they all assumed my sister or myself did something wrong. I can't begin to describe the hell-hole I was raised in after I was 11. I couldn't get out of there fast enough; and although sometimes I ended up in a pickle, I never went back either. You couldn't pay me enough to go back. Your mother may actually benefit from some kind of therapy, but I doubt she'd go. She seems to get a lot of goodies from her behavior. My mother was a bully and a huge Pain in the P'toosh, so I just let her be. She wails at times at how her children are so ungrateful. But that's the problem with parents like this; they seek to dominate their children and influence them to their way of thinking, and completely forget that kids grow up eventually and figure it out. Kids don't generally desire to be mean to parents; they mostly want to love their parents and help them and all that. But I would only help my mother if she were facing homelessness or something like that. I'd put her in some facility, and then I'd leave her alone. I won't ever go back: never, ever, ever. I don't need a bully in my life that has very little kind things to share with me. I know who I am and what I am. I'm not a perfect person, but I don't go around and lie to people and make stuff up about people, and I don't steal from them either, as my mother has done to me and my sister. It's a sad situation that seems to be heading towards no form of closure or detante or anything good. She made her bed; she can lie in it. Let her pick on someone else I say. I don't need that kind of crap in my life; I've got enough problems!

I wish you the best. I would advise you to not internalize her criticism, which is very hard to do. When you grow up a bit more, you'll find out that people like you just fine. It's just the company you keep, that's all. With a critic nearby it becomes really unappealing to bring friends home, so you grow up in a kind of vaccuum. I had that problem. I thought the world despised me: it was simply an issue of the company I kept. I grew more mature, I kept better company, and up my belief systems went. I did go through therapy, which at some point you might like to consider, depending. For me, it saved my life and completely turned my prospects around. I inherited my mother's tendency to be overly critical of just about everything around me, but I have made a pact with myself to try and stop this behavior. I've had people tell me all kinds of stuff; just a few weeks ago a dude dated me once and then took to criticizing me every day, just about. I dismissed him from the menu. That's how grown up I've become. I just no longer listen to it. He told me that he didn't like me, so I had to wonder why he was calling me. Just keep it to yourself, and remove yourself from the situation. I never said anything mean to him, but man, was he ever disrespectful of me. I made it 52 yrs without him; I figure I can make it another 52 without him. He'll be the lonely one, not me. Just don't take on your mother's attitude, which is going to be very hard to overcome.

I wish you all the best,
heidi w.

[curlylocks85]

Lucky_Lucy

If my mother ever said such crap to me I would ask her why SHE is a HORRIBLE MOTHER? Maybe to some that sounds harsh, but I give it right back as it was given to me and nothing less. I wish people would implement the saying, "If you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut," more often. I bet that what she saw as greasy, was actually a healthy shine. I am sorry she was so mean and disrespectful. She should apologize for speaking to you that way.

[KittyBird]

Zombie thread! :brains: This thread is 3 years old, and OP hasn't posted on the forum since last summer :)