Hair Threat Support Group

[piffyanne]

I've met a man who doesn't like long hair one bit, and he's dating my DBF's little sister. Whenever the two of us meet, this guy threatens to cut my hair, and he's recently started brandishing scissors and "snipping" with them. He recently told DBF that long hair "freaks me out." (That, and feet. Surprised he hasn't started threatening to hack THOSE off, too.)

He constantly asks my boyfriend how he can "put up" with my hair, whether DBF is scared of being strangled with it (turns out DBF isn't. You learn something new every day :p), and all sorts of other crap. I've only known this guy a few weeks and I'm already so entirely done with this.

My DBF knows how much I love my hair, and has warned this guy this is my "hot button" issue, warned him off my hair, warned him to drop the subject, and basically warned him to keep away from me, but he's still doing it.

Frankly, I'm beginning to be scared to be around him, now, and am doing more updos, but it's super uncomfortable, since I know something is still POSSIBLE. He's a re-bound boyfriend and I frankly feel sometimes like I can't wait for DBF's little sister to dump him (is that as wrong as it feels? Anyway, they don't mesh well personality-wise).

This guy is super macho, and he just doesn't seem to have a grasp of boundaries, and I'm actively worried he's going to try to take matters into his own hands.

He's currently dbf's roommate because this guy got kicked out by his step parents, so there's not much I can do to avoid him.

I don't think there's anything I can do to speed up the breakup, and I wouldn't even if that was an option (I try to play nice when I can) but I'd really appreciate some emotional backup. I don't THINK I'm overreacting to this situation. I truly care about my hair, as you all do, and I've waited too many years for it to get this long to have a passing fancy cut all the fruits of my patience off.

[DragonLady]

I would tell him the next time he pulls out scissors that you consider them a weapon. And that any threat against your hair will be treated as battery and he will be prosecuted.

You might also have to consider a restraining order to get the point across.

[hellucy]

I would tell him the next time he pulls out scissors that you consider them a weapon. And that any threat against your hair will be treated as battery and he will be prosecuted.

I have to agree - he is threatening a type of violence against you, you need to make it clear that you will press charges if his behaviour continues.
I don't understand what makes him think its acceptable to threaten or even 'joke' about cutting your hair off - if long hair freaks him out then it's an issue he needs to learn to deal with in a grown up way. I bet when he is out in a bar or shop he doesn't go around threatening to cut off every long haired woman's hair so why should he do it to you?!
I hope he stops being a presence in your life or at the very least he stops making you feel bad. :grouphug:

[henné]

I know you want support and I really don't want to be unsupportive, but are you sure you're not overreacting? 99.9999% of folks would really just be joking and trying to get a rise out of you.

If I were you, I'd calmly and assertively tell him that you are over his jokes and that it's really not funny anymore and you'd like him to stop. If he doesn't do that, you can step it up a bit and literally 'b*tch' him out. Any 'normal' person will stop after that.

All that said, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Unless he's truly a psycho. Which I doubt.

[newbeginning]

Sounds like he's overcompensating for something (you said he's a macho guy). I agree with those who say to let him know that you'll take action if his behaviour continues.

[Sisgoldenhair65]

I know you want support and I really don't want to be unsupportive, but are you sure you're not overreacting? 99.9999% of folks would really just be joking and trying to get a rise out of you.

If I were you, I'd calmly and assertively tell him that you are over his jokes and that it's really not funny anymore and you'd like him to stop. If he doesn't do that, you can step it up a bit and literally 'b*tch' him out. Any 'normal' person will stop after that.

All that said, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Unless he's truly a psycho. Which I doubt.

I disagree....OP has stated that the antagonizer has been warned and asked to stop but still continues with threatening gestures. I think it's past the point of harmless fun and he is def not in normal boundaries. I am sorry this is happening to you. As others have posted if he persists take action against this psycho! Your safety and your hair is much too precious to take a chance....good luck! :grouphug:

[WaitingSoLong]

Sounds like he's overcompensating for something (you said he's a macho guy). I agree with those who say to let him know that you'll take action if his behaviour continues.

ITA. All the macho guys I have ever met have "something to prove" and who knows what it is. It could be ANYthing from childhood abuse to being rejected by a woman or something. Guys like this (and I suppose women too) like to assert power over people. I dated a guy like this once. He was very pushy and domineering. I remember him forcing me to kiss him IN A GROUP OF PEOPLE. It took all of my strength to push him away. ALL of it, and that was just a kiss. It is HIS face that comes to mind when I read your post. This guy is probably bad news for this little sister and I hope she realizes it before she falls into a control trap. I ended up dating another guy like this, too. Both relationships were very short lived, less than a month. Now that I think about it, I have encountered quite a few guys like this. They all have one thing in common: they view women as objects.

You are going to have to make a big deal out of this, even at the risk of people thinking you are way over-reacting. Even if he IS just kidding, he has crossed a boundary and has been asked to stop and has not stopped. THAT IS HARASSMENT at the very least. Threatening you with scissors? THAT is a form of assault and intimidation and I don't think you are overreacting. I would seriously rant the guy out in front of a lot of people, make sure he knows you are serious and willing to take legal action if it continues. If it doesn't stop then, then I would get a restraining order.

[BeckyAH]

I know you want support and I really don't want to be unsupportive, but are you sure you're not overreacting? 99.9999% of folks would really just be joking and trying to get a rise out of you.

If I were you, I'd calmly and assertively tell him that you are over his jokes and that it's really not funny anymore and you'd like him to stop. If he doesn't do that, you can step it up a bit and literally 'b*tch' him out. Any 'normal' person will stop after that.

All that said, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Unless he's truly a psycho. Which I doubt.

I disagree completely, and here's why:

The guy has been asked to stop and ignored it.

The guy has escalated the behaviour.

The guy is 'freaked out' by long hair.

The guy is talking about how/why he's freaked out by asking the OP's boyfriends questions about it/how he tolerates it/is he scared of it.

This is not a guy who's playing around in an inappropriate manner. This is a guy with legitimate issues with HAIR, and with boundaries.

That combination *is* bad news.

[Bedhead]

This is not normal, it's harassment at this point, and yes, bringing out the scissors like that is a threatening gesture. State your boundaries in conjunction with the law, as others have said, and don't be gentle about it, be blunt and direct. And don't let dbf state it for you - it's you who needs to set your boundaries here.

[manderly]

Threaten to cut off his balls. Every time he threatens you.

So help you God, if he threatens your hair one more time you will slice off his manhood and feed it to the dogs.

Obviously there's something wrong with this jackass or he thinks he's effing hilarious to keep it up with you and DBF telling him to knock it off.

[auburntressed]

When I was in high school, I was the target of constant threats to my hair. Kids were always trying to cut my hair off when I wasn't looking, and at one point they managed to set my hair on fire. This is what caused me to start wearing it braided or up in a bun every single day - a habit that I have never given up.

Now... in high school students, that sort of behavior is absolutely unacceptable.

But an ADULT behaving that way? That goes beyond unacceptable. I don't think you are overreacting even a little bit - especially if he has brandished scissors at you. A threat to forcibly cut another person's hair is a threat against that person's body. That type of "joking" is not all in good fun.

I would also point out that forcibly cutting another person's hair is an act that is closely linked to crimes of a sexual nature. If he is threatening you with scissors or persistently threatening your hair even after you and your boyfriend have made it clear to him that this is not acceptable, then there is something deeply wrong with him.

When grown-ups act like school-age bullies, it is no longer cute or funny or incorrigible or something that should easily be dismissed. It is creepy and deeply disturbing at best.

[henné]

I would really have to be there and witness his behavior to know for sure if it is something to be worried about or not.

I also don't know you. There are folks that get freaked out by a simple harmless joke and then there are some that can take some serious abuse before letting it get to them.

I also don't know HOW she told him to stop it. The shy little beep that some girls call assertiveness doesn't work on most macho guys. You just have to step up to him, get in his face and make it plain that you are being serious and he's getting on your last nerve.

So, I have no idea.

If it really is scaring you so much and it really is a bad situation (which I can't see out of the description - maybe I'm not emphatic enough in this case). Tell your boyfriend and his sister - tell them he's acting psycho and that you don't want to be around him and that you feel very threatened by him. Make sure all the folks around you know of this and maybe threaten him with a call to police if he doesn't quit.

I would expect that if he really is a psycho, others would have noticed and would have done something about it already. Your DBF can just kick him out of the apartment - there is no reason why should he stay. Nobody is responsible for his living situation.

Good luck.

Btw, I'm trying to see it from multiple points of view.

[henné]

Threaten to cut off his balls. Every time he threatens you.

So help you God, if he threatens your hair one more time you will slice off his manhood and feed it to the dogs.

Obviously there's something wrong with this jackass or he thinks he's effing hilarious to keep it up with you and DBF telling him to knock it off.

Yeah, something like that should work :) As long as he knows she's not just joking ... Some people are incredibly dense.

[rusika1]

Forewarned is forearmed.

Wear your hair up and firmly anchored at all times when this guy might be around. Use multiple hairpins so he can't pull out one stick and let your hair down.

Program the (non-emergency) police phone number into your cell. Decide beforehand what you want to ask them so you can be calm when you talk to them. Something like "I'm being threatened with assault by a guy. This has happened every time I've seen him--x times a week because he's staying at my boyfriend's place--for the past week/day/month. I'm sure he would tell you he's 'joking', but I take threats to me seriously and this is affecting me negatively. he's been told several times by multiple people that it needs to stop but refuses to stop. What are my options ? Would you have someone come out and talk to him?" Now that you're prepared? Next time, he starts, don't reply, don't warn, don't threaten, just pull out your phone and call the police.

Ask DBF to 'evict' this guy immediately if it's legal to do so.

[MsBubbles]

I also don't know HOW she told him to stop it. The shy little beep that some girls call assertiveness doesn't work on most macho guys. You just have to step up to him, get in his face and make it plain that you are being serious and he's getting on your last nerve.

I get what you're saying, but on the other hand, if she DID tell him to stop, that should be enough, even if she said it very quietly. As long as he heard it, that should be enough. And if it's not and he persists, the fault is all his, and not hers for the way she asked him.

I'm with Manderly on this one :).

[Amethyste]

Tell him that the metal hairstick which keeps your hair up can also be a good stake to pierce his eye "balls" with when he's cominig into your bubble with those scissors.

JERK!

[Bast]

Next time he pulls this: "Dude, don't make me call the cops. Stop it, now, or I will." And pick up your phone. And keep your hair up in a very secured updo until he is completely out of the picture.


But multiple people have spoken to him, and he isn't stopping, you aren't overreacting.

[bte]

This is a serious situation, and it does seem that it is more than someone's idea of a joke.

I think you have to tell him (with your DBF there as well to reinforce it) that if he does what he threatens it is assault and will result in his being arrested by the police, and yes, you will press charges. Even his threat is something about which you could make a complaint, and unless he backs off and doesn't mention the subject again you will make that complaint. Hopefully your DBF will follow that up by saying that he won't be welcome to stay with him unless he does what you ask.

You can point out that you have given him plenty of chances to behave sensibly, which is why you have to adopt the heavy approach.

Let's face it. There are many personal choices that I don't like, and I might say that they "freak me out", but that would be an exaggeration. Nobody, but nobody is so freaked out by long hair that they can's share space with a long haired person, so he is being a jerk.

[Zarina]

Tell him that you are going to file a TRO and have it served to him at his place of work if he even so much as mentions cutting your hair again. Also inform him that you will not put up with threats to your body or person and will address them accordingly, i.e. call the police, pepper spray the *bleep* outta him, beat him with a Louisville slugger, whatever seems appropriate at the time. And then follow through! That is the most important part! Trust me, some pepper spray up the nose is a wonderful attitude adjuster and you would be more than justified in doing so since he is brandishing a sharp weapon and threatening harm with it.

Seriously, stand up and push back. Bullies are incapable of understanding much else...

[swearnsue]

I would absolutely never go over to your boyfriend's apartment while the psycho is living there. If you should somehow end up in the same room/restaurant together and he threatens you again, say in a loud voice so all can hear, "you are scaring me, stop threatening me, don't hurt me!" and then leave right away. This guy, my instinct says, is just one bad day away from commiting a serious crime and it won't be his first. I have to disagree with some other posters about threatening him, I think that would be a mistake. I guess I'm a paranoid person but I don't think he would not stop at cutting hair.

[spidermom]

That's one guy I'd go out of my way to avoid.
I think we all hope he gets kicked to the curb very soon.

[Covet]

Threaten to cut off his balls. Every time he threatens you.

So help you God, if he threatens your hair one more time you will slice off his manhood and feed it to the dogs.

Obviously there's something wrong with this jackass or he thinks he's effing hilarious to keep it up with you and DBF telling him to knock it off.

Hahaha agreed. I don't know why he thinks he's so funny :confused:

He is shocking. How rude! I wonder if he would go up to a bald person and say their bare head freaks him out and start brandishing a wig at them?

I think it would be a good idea if you tell him that you feel threatened and you see the scissors as a weapon. Obviously he hasn't taken your boyfriend seriously so I think it's important if he sees it from your point of view. I'd have a word with your boyfriend's sister too and tell her what an immature idiot he is. I'd also keep my hair up until he learns some manners.

[clichepithet]

Program the (non-emergency) police phone number into your cell. Decide beforehand what you want to ask them so you can be calm when you talk to them. Something like "I'm being threatened with assault by a guy. This has happened every time I've seen him--x times a week because he's staying at my boyfriend's place--for the past week/day/month. I'm sure he would tell you he's 'joking', but I take threats to me seriously and this is affecting me negatively. he's been told several times by multiple people that it needs to stop but refuses to stop. What are my options ? Would you have someone come out and talk to him?" Now that you're prepared? Next time, he starts, don't reply, don't warn, don't threaten, just pull out your phone and call the police.

Ask DBF to 'evict' this guy immediately if it's legal to do so.

THIS. Also that.

[amanda_the_tall]

yep. he's bad news, especially if he got kicked out by his step-parents. we don't even know what he did to get kicked out. and if he's threatening you i'd tell your bf to kick him out as well, no need to have a creep living with you, especially someone who threatens people you love. it's not your bf's responsibility to provide him housing, even if he is dating your bf's sister. it ticks me off when bf's try to mooch off the gf's family. i'd have a serious talk with your bf's sister. not only should you not put up with it, she shouldn't be with someone like that!

[silverpiper]

Geez this guy is a creep! Some people don't know when to quit. Try ignoring it, it's been my experience these idiots thrive on having a captive audience. Don't give him one. He will keep it up as long as he thinks he can rattle your chain.

[Valfreyja]

This is very disturbing. I agree on taking safety precautions, like programming police numbers onto your cellphone and having a plan of action. Also, I disagree with threatening to harm him (no matter how attractive it might seem, I want to cause him pain too and I don't even know him) that might just make things worse, guys like that always feel they have to have the last word and it wouldn't look good from a legal perspective. You don't live with your boyfriend, do you? I personally wouldn't feel inclined to come over with this &%$#$& there.

If he still persists despite warnings of legal action then I feel he has overstayed his welcome and deserves to be kicked out. His girlfriend (your DBF's little sister) will probably complain, she just needs to understand that someone's comfort and safety can't be compromised in a situation like this. It's just that simple.

[RapunzelKat]

I would absolutely never go over to your boyfriend's apartment while the psycho is living there. If you should somehow end up in the same room/restaurant together and he threatens you again, say in a loud voice so all can hear, "you are scaring me, stop threatening me, don't hurt me!" and then leave right away. This guy, my instinct says, is just one bad day away from commiting a serious crime and it won't be his first. I have to disagree with some other posters about threatening him, I think that would be a mistake. I guess I'm a paranoid person but I don't think he would not stop at cutting hair.


That's one guy I'd go out of my way to avoid.
I think we all hope he gets kicked to the curb very soon.

This and this. Personally, I would recommend keeping your distance for safety's sake. Getting into a confrontation could potentially get ugly, and there's no need to put yourself in potential harm's way. It's better safe than sorry. Just my personal thoughts, of course :flower:

:grouphug: I really hope your DBF is able to kick this guy out soon! What a lousy situation for you and him.

[darklyndsea]

When you can't avoid being around him, may I suggest wearing a scarf over your hair? There's probably not much hope of "out of sight, out of mind", but if he does try something that's one more obstacle to him succeeding.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. :grouphug:

[leslissocool]

Really, warn him about calling the police, and then DO IT. He could be a psycho, he really is threatening you. You've asked him to stop, and scissors ARE a weapon. Remember the story about a man caught after cutting women's hair off? Things like that do happen. Better safe than sorry, call the police.

Let me tell you, the moment anyone cuts my hair off against my will will be the moment I STRANGLE that man with it. Sounds like you guy's worse nightmare :)

[MonicaJean]

I'm with everything henne said.

[Lissandria]

:grouphug: The fact that this guy is threatening you is reason to program the police phone number in your phone- I would take any threat like that 100% seriously. You are in no way overreacting. I hope he is out of the picture soon.

[Tia2010]

So he threatens...even going as far as to brandish a weapon ...and gets away with it because he says it's a joke! and gets to live with your bf even though he's making you feel threatened? Oh helll no...he has got to go!

He sounds like a menacing jerk. I would treat him in the same manner and as manderly said,...threaten to cut off his balls..and while your at it tell bf he's getting cut off too until aforementioned jerk is out of the apartment!

While he may just be a moronic, insensitive jerk...don't be alone with him or leave your hair down around him..who knows how far he may go and call it a "joke".

[Becky9679]

I had something like this happen for the first time ever last week and I was surprised how much it freaked me out. It was this guy at work, he was using scissors and pointed them towards me and snipped a couple of times. I knew he didn't mean it (we goof around, tell jokes and insult each other all the time) but I still had to tell him that my hair was out of bounds for that kind of joking and not to do it again. He seemed to think I was overreacting but he did say he'd never dream of really doing anything like that.

As to your problem, I agree with the others, if he's brandishing scissors at you that's a threat of assault. If he ever took it into his head to really do anything he could potentially injure you in addition to cutting your hair. After all it's not much of a leap from brandishing scissors to brandishing a knife. Definitely get the police involved if it continues, say you're experiencing threatening behaviour and harassment every time you see this guy

[junkyschristmas]

You are not overreacting and I think this guy is a threat to more than your hair. If I were you, I would stop going over to your boyfriend's house entirely.

[amantha]

You aren't overreacting. Since it seems like talking to this guy is like talking to a brick wall, can you just tell your boyfriend that if he wants to see you he needs to go to your place from now on? Is that a viable option? If I was in your situation that's what I would do.

[ravenreed]

I would take his comments seriously. Can you get a can of mace and just mace him if he come near you with scissors? That might make him think twice. (Obviously, check with local laws, etc.)

[MinderMutsig]

He's currently dbf's roommate because this guy got kicked out by his step parents, so there's not much I can do to avoid him.
Sure there is. Don't go over there as long as he is living there.

If your boyfriend wants to see you he can either come to your house or kick the dude out. I think he should kick him out but that is not something that is in your control. What you can control though are your own actions. Considering the man is threatening you I would not set one foot in that house as long as he is there. I'd also avoid family gatherings that he is attending and make VERY clear why you are doing so.

[Macaroni]

You certainly CAN avoid him!

Refuse to go to the apartment.
Refuse to see him in any context whatsoever.
He's blown off your boyfriend's request to stop so he d@mn straight won't care what you have to say.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.

[Charybdis]

Why on earth is this lowlife creep staying with your DBF? If it were me, I'd tell DBF that I wasn't going to be anywhere that Mr. Creepypants was going to be, including DBF's apartment, and that if DBF wanted *me* in the apartment, it would be up to him to figure out how to remove Mr. Creepypants from it permanently. So what if the guy's step-parent kicked him out? At best he's a giant toolbag, at worst he's a creepy psycho whose own family can't deal with having him around.

You are NOT overreacting.

[amylou]

I would just avoid him. He can't do anything if he never sees you. Find another way to see your boyfriend or only go over there if the other guy isn't there. If your boyfriend cares at all about your feelings, he will try to accommodate you and he may tell the guy to leave for a few hours because you want to come over. You are not at fault. He has made it a hostile environment for you. And of course, if he ever did do anything I'm pretty sure you could get him legally. I doubt he would take it that far though.

[barely.there]

Man thats crazy. If people have scissors near me and are cutting them, I freak out....and its 99% of the time not related to cutting my hair. If I had to deal with that guy, I would SERIOUSLY loose it!

[lapushka]

It's one thing to joke, to say this in jest a couple of times, it's quite another to admit you have a thing with hair (and feet ?) and to keep hammering on and on about it. And then the snipping motions... I'd definitely not consider this adult, normal-functioning-adult, behavior. Definitely not for someone you just met and barely know. It's especially hard to digest considering your BF has already intervened and it doesn't seem to be making a difference. I'd avoid this guy like the plague. Let's hope your BF's sister comes to her senses soon.

[jacqueline101]

I'd tell him to back off its your hair and you want it long.

[ladylowtide]

I agree with the ladies here who talk about taking it seriously.

I had a friend in middle school, she sat next to a guy in biology class. One week he said, "you have weird hair." And the next week, in class he cut a huge chunk off without warning. He had never acted out in school before that. So I would take it seriously.

Also the threats are sign that this guy has domineering personality, which often but not always is linked with men who have abusive relationships with women. My gut tells me this guy is bad news. He might never actually cut your hair, but he certainly doesn't sound like someone you want a friend to be with.

Also I think the updos are a good idea, and telling DBF that it has effected you so much, likely he will help you do something about this. oh and keeping a record of the incidents, when they happen, what he says word for word.

I would not simply shrug it off. Also :grouphug:

[manderly]

I'm also a little confused as to why your BF would permit someone to not only make you feel uncomfortable and threatened, but allow him to live in his home.

Right now I'm pregnant and DH is extremely protective (he's never really been noticeably so), but I think he may physically harm anyone who threatened me right now. He was so upset that I went without him to tell a party to settle down (I'm the landlord and I knew the boys).

Your BF is supposed to protect you (or want to) whether you feel you need it or not (as long as it's not overboard). Having a man live with him who makes you feel this way is absurd to me.

[henné]

Definitely tell us how it all went and how you eventually resolved the situation. I hope for the best for you.

[FrozenBritannia]

I second the "touch one hair on my head and I will cut off your balls." approach. If it was me, I might even add in something about shoving them so far down his throat he'd need an intestional surgeon to find them. And then I would remind him that I know where he sleeps.

:)

[lapushka]

And then I would remind him that I know where he sleeps.

:)

Good one! :D

[Maelyssa]

Threaten to cut off his balls. Every time he threatens you.

So help you God, if he threatens your hair one more time you will slice off his manhood and feed it to the dogs.

Obviously there's something wrong with this jackass or he thinks he's effing hilarious to keep it up with you and DBF telling him to knock it off.

EXACTLY THIS! Seriously, let him know there will be consequences if he messes with your hair and that the hair jokes/comments are getting old and they need to stop.

[Springgrl]

"Threaten to cut off his balls. Every time he threatens you."

Yesssss!!!!

[DreadfulWoman]

Hey, slightly OT, but as someone who has been known to stay with rebound-guy far longer than I should have, I just wanted to say that it's ok to tell someone that their SO is less than awesome. Sometimes all it takes is hearing someone else echo your own doubts to convince you to end (or prevent) a train wreck of a relationship.

And in the meantime I would stay away from that guy any which way you're able. No matter where he's living or who he's dating, you shouldn't be expected to be anywhere near someone who makes you that uncomfortable.

[BritHair]

Wow.....and the guy is still intact? If a man even looked at me wrong my hubby would bury him. A threat is a threat, whether in jest or not. I would definitely avoid going over to your BF's home and make arrangements at yours until the creep is gone. I would also file a complaint with the police and start a paper trail. Personal protection order sounds good. Some may say he is probably joking but is it worth the risk? It may be more than your hair that could be at stake. Be careful Hun.

[tinywife]

I wonder if it goes a little bit beyond being "grossed out" by long hair, because clearly he's obsessed with it. Honestly, disturbing as it is, I suspect this guy has a hair-cutting ******. If that's the case, the alarm that crosses your face just feeds his ******.

I think rusika1 (on page 2) has a really smart idea. You're not getting him arrested, you're not tying up the 911 line, but you're also not stroking his need and you're letting him know what happens to assaulters.

[Melanie Marie]

I wonder if it goes a little bit beyond being "grossed out" by long hair, because clearly he's obsessed with it. Honestly, disturbing as it is, I suspect this guy has a hair-cutting ******. If that's the case, the alarm that crosses your face just feeds his ******.

I think rusika1 (on page 2) has a really smart idea. You're not getting him arrested, you're not tying up the 911 line, but you're also not stroking his need and you're letting him know what happens to assaulters.

Agree with this completely. Rusika1's advice is great.

[skaempfer]

I'm also a little confused as to why your BF would permit someone to not only make you feel uncomfortable and threatened, but allow him to live in his home.

Right now I'm pregnant and DH is extremely protective (he's never really been noticeably so), but I think he may physically harm anyone who threatened me right now. He was so upset that I went without him to tell a party to settle down (I'm the landlord and I knew the boys).

Your BF is supposed to protect you (or want to) whether you feel you need it or not (as long as it's not overboard). Having a man live with him who makes you feel this way is absurd to me.

This is pretty much what I wanted to say. I can't imagine being scared to the point of considering calling the cops and the person who supposedly loves me can't be bothered to take action- unless he's afraid that nasty macho man may move in with his sister if he chucks him out.

Which brings us to what I really want to know- isn't this setting of ANY alarm bells for little sister? I find this guy scary. If he tries to get YOU, someone else's GF to comply with his wishes by brandishing scissors and threatening, what life going to be like for little sis?

[Silverbrumby]

I'm sorry your dealing with this jackass. He is oblivious to issues of personnel boundaries and consent. Follow your gut but my advice based on Gavin de becketts book The Gift of Fear is to minmise contact. Have u and Bf go out for dates. Have him come to your place. Keep out of dufus' radar. Even if this means a few months it will be worth it. My feeling is any reaction you give him will just egg him on. Tell boyfriend he is not welcome over your place. Its a hassle but worth it for peace of mind.

[Elenna]

This guy only means harm, and eventually he will act on his threats. You really don't want to be around him. He sounds violent.

Restraining orders don't always work. Not only key in the police on your cell phone, but start learning some self defense.

Also I second reading the Gavin de Beckett book "The Gift of Fear." Fear is a warning signal about potential danger. Don't knowingly walk into danger. Keep alert at all times. Be-aware! That's the first line of self defense.

[Bene]

Is it possible that this guy is just winding you up? I've known people like that. The more you show them that it's getting to you, the further it goes. And with your b/f warning him off, that just told him the hair is the perfect ammunition.


Personally, I'd calmly toss out there "You cut my hair, I cut your face", with the friendliest smile possible, and leave it at that.

[Lize]

I don't really have a lot to add since people have covered all the things I thought. I second that you should take it seriously. I hope everything goes well and that he'll be out of your life very soon. I will keep an eye on this thread to see how it goes.

[mrs_coffee]

I agree that this guy is a creep and you should avoid him at all costs.

[piffyanne]

Thanks all. Prom for the two "lovebirds" was this past weekend. I'm wondering whether she was keeping him around so she had someone to go with. She was really short with him yesterday and the day before, and I'm wondering if it's winding down? (Then again, that's often just how she is.)

My hair's all still intact and I won't have any chance/need to be near him this week. I'll be discussing options with my boyfriend.

Thank you all for validating my concerns; I wasn't sure if it was "The LHC Effect" making this seem bigger than it really is or not.

Regarding secure buns, I've been using the Oval bun these days (2 braids wound around each other) and, worst-case-scenario, if he DOES do something, he'll only manage to get a few inches off at the most, since my hair's too thick to cut through more than one braid total at a time, at which point I'll have had enough time to turn around and commence in beating him to within an inch of his life with the nearest baseball or cricket bat. That's a few month's growth, and I've been thinking of trimming that much anyway (it's getting tangly and a bit straw-like, as ends do), so I would treat it as a chance to improve my hair's health. DBF promised that if he takes scissors to me, he'll be out on his ear before he can blink twice or drop the scissors.

I promise to be careful, take this seriously, and keep you posted, everyone.

[Carolyn]

I don't understand why your DBF isn't booting him out now before something happens. He should have your back. This guy has threatened you with bodily harm. So why is he still living with DBF? You shouldn't have to wear your hair up out of fear when you are at their place.

[Zarina]

I am going to third reading "The Gift of Fear"

Actually I recommend that to everyone on here that hasn't.

For a anyone in today's society that book can literally be a life saver/changer. One year I gave the pb of it to all the women in my office after we had someone almost assaulted in our office parking lot.

And Elenna right, restraining orders don't always work and depending on where you live they may not be worth the paper they are written on, but if you think you are going to have to back up your threats, then filing one will make the difference between he said/she said and the cops seeing a pattern.

I hate to say it but there are a lot of cops out there that will hear, "He came at me with scissors and said he was going to cut my hair" and scoff. They, a lot of the times, have to deal with the RIGHT here and the RIGHT now, and so little Johnny psychopath and his frightening behavior isn't really going to get a reaction till it is probably 5 minutes too late unless you have something legal that says, "LOOK! LOOK! HE IS BREAKING THE LAW!" i.e. the TRO.

[Babyfine]

I don't understand why your DBF isn't booting him out now before something happens. He should have your back. This guy has threatened you with bodily harm. So why is he still living with DBF? You shouldn't have to wear your hair up out of fear when you are at their place.


I agree. I would tell DBF you aren't going over there until he is gone. he has threatened you with bodily harm, with a weapon, for crying out loud, and won't stop even after being asked by both you and DBF.
And I also agree with Zarina, the restraining order may be a good thing to show that there is a pattern here. I would get one, in short order.

I would not make any replies to him along the line of "I'm going to cut your ****s off", or stabbing him with a hairstick, especially in front of witnesses, because if the police do become involved, he will twist it around to make it seem like YOU threatened HIM first.

[piffyanne]

Update:
I didn't see him the whole week after I posted the above^, but, only 3 or 4 days after their prom, my DBF informed me that she had dumped the guy addressed in my post. DBF and his family ended up all learning a lot more about what their relationship had been like, and more about DBF's little sister, which was good for us, in a way. On the other hand, the poor guy was really hurt when she dumped him, and ended up talked with my DBF a lot about it, trying to figure things out, I guess. We started to understand him a lot more.

In further news, on the OTHER hand, he hasn't been home to my DBF's house for a couple weeks, and owes 2 months' past rent. They were being really nice about the overdue balance, and then he just stopped coming home 2 weeks or more ago, having returned to his parent's house, apparently. Not that he told anyone what he was doing. He just disappeared. Then he stopped returning phone calls. :rolleyes: His stuff is still at DBF's house, his rent still isn't paid, and it's finally grated on my unusually patient DBF and his dad. Finally, either today or yesterday, he and his dad issued an ultimatum either to pay up or his stuff will be on the lawn by the next garbage day after the deadline. In the area DBF lives, it'll be gone before the garbage man arrives. (It's like Camelot, but instead of being a silly place, it's a scary one.:run:)

It's a big mess, and I'm sorry and concerned and confused and all sorts of conflicting emotions.

My hair's definitely safe at this point, as I'll probably never see him again, and I bear him absolutely no ill will. I just want things to be smooth again. Poor EVERYONE involved in this big, tangly pickle. :(

/sigh/

[tigereye]

If any of his stuff if worth anything, you could also sell some if he doesn't cough up, to compensate for a little of the lost rent. Then chuck the rest.

[Faux]

Its called a restraining order. Get one.

[Charybdis]

Oh, piffyanne, you and your DBF are clearly VERY nice people. Don't worry about this guy's well-being now that he's disappearing from your life. I know that's hard for kind people like yourself to do, but you really can't fix whatever's going on with this guy (My guess? Multiple things, including some mental health issues.), and your feeling bad on his behalf won't make him any better.

Hugs to you, and I'm glad your hair is safe!

[Slug Yoga]

Is it possible that this guy is just winding you up? I've known people like that. The more you show them that it's getting to you, the further it goes. And with your b/f warning him off, that just told him the hair is the perfect ammunition.

It's totally messed up and inappropriate either way, though. It's messed up if he is actually "freaked out" enough by someone's hair to repeatedly threaten to cut it off, and it's equally messed up if he thinks that it's amusing or acceptable threaten someone repeatedly "as a joke" in order to elicit a reaction. So even if that was what he was thinking, I don't think that makes him look any better, honestly!

piffyanne, I'm glad this guy is on his way out. And I don't think it was "mean" of you in the slightest to look forward to him and your DBF's sister breaking up. If I were you, I wouldn't want him around for my sake, or for hers.

[leilasahhar]

@Manderly !! I was going to say the same thing! I'd Joke with him back and say i'd cut off his balls in his sleep then we can trade ;)