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Kwantslonghair
April 20th, 2012, 10:33 AM
He says it will be gross. I want it long because it makes me feel pretty. I have always been forced or guilted to cut it. Is it unreasonable for me to want it long? Waist length is where I want it.

tweetylonghair
April 20th, 2012, 10:36 AM
Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do with your body..including the hair. I learned that lesson awhile ago and have had to remeber it many times...you'll be more satisfied and a better self esteem remembering this.

Calaelen
April 20th, 2012, 10:37 AM
You should do what you want with your body and hair. He can have an opinion, but you shouldn't put aside what you want and feel best with because of it. Have you explained to him that you want your hair at waist length and shown him some pictures of the style and colour you want to give him and idea of what you're going for?

Maybe you've said you want long hair, and he assumes you're going for VERY long like many of us ladies on here below tailbone length or even knee..lol.

heidi w.
April 20th, 2012, 10:40 AM
My hair is very long, and while people might be interested in dating me, most find it waaaay toooooo long for their taste. So here I sit alone with long hair. Of course, as one becomes older, they become more invisible in society. That's just the way it is. Your desire is not unreasonable. I suggest going ahead and growing it, and in time you'll have a better idea of just how long you want it. I have to move my hair out of the way when I <aheam>. Braids are very useful for that. He has an image of hair all over the joint, and in his way somehow. It's not like that at all. But he doesn't know what it's like because he hasn't yet had the experience. So, give him the experience. LOL

ETA: I reread your original post, and you stated you want it to be waist length. That's not that long, really. It won't be "gross". Promise. END ETA

heidi w.

heidi w.
April 20th, 2012, 10:45 AM
)I love that hair, long aní black Hanginí down to the middle of your back
Donít cut it off whatever you do
I need it to run my fingers through
ícause youíre my baby, ah-ah...

Source: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/roy+orbison/youre+my+baby_20119026.html

Song published in 1956 by Roy Orbison (Features in the recent Walk the Line movie about Johnny Cash, if you'd like to hear a part of it) Roy Orbison was a great singer. He's a major influence in the 55-60 era of music.

heidi w.

Kwantslonghair
April 20th, 2012, 10:45 AM
He is controlling about what I wear etc. I am not going to cut it and maybe he will quit whining about it when he sees that I am not. I have cut it several times already and I regret it every time. Thanks. I just needed to see that someone else agreed that I should what I want with my own hair.

Amethyste
April 20th, 2012, 10:50 AM
My husband expressed his opinion that he wishes I'd cut it short "just the same way as it was when we met". i think that's the problem... He has one image of me, which is the one with short hair. After I told him that I wanted it long so I can do something for me (cause i do everything for everyone and forget "me" in the meantime) he said that it makes sense and he was sorry for wanting me to stay the way I was 5 years ago... Just like hair, we all grow and blossom and it is normal to wish for a different look...

Calaelen
April 20th, 2012, 10:51 AM
It sounds to me as if there is a bigger issue than just the hair then. You do what you want, and honestly don't give into that controlling attitude, he'll either accept it and love you as you are, or show a deeper problem, in which case your better off if he takes a hike.

Kwantslonghair
April 20th, 2012, 10:54 AM
Calaelen. You are right

heidi w.
April 20th, 2012, 10:55 AM
He is controlling about what I wear etc. I am not going to cut it and maybe he will quit whining about it when he sees that I am not. I have cut it several times already and I regret it every time. Thanks. I just needed to see that someone else agreed that I should what I want with my own hair.

The next time he offers a critique about what you're wearing, ask him, "how is that helpful to me, or you, or us? Explain to me how that's intended to make me feel good about who you are?" The "....who you are?...." part is optional to add or not. I don't know why couples nitpick at each other so much. That seems so against the cause of We're Together in Life.

heidi w.

Of the Fae
April 20th, 2012, 11:09 AM
What does SO stand for?

irishlady
April 20th, 2012, 11:12 AM
It is not unreasonable for you to want long hair.
It is unreasonable and very immature for your SO to try and tell you what you can and cannot do with your hair, I would never put up with someone like that grrr.

Amethyste
April 20th, 2012, 11:17 AM
The next time he offers a critique about what you're wearing, ask him, "how is that helpful to me, or you, or us? Explain to me how that's intended to make me feel good about who you are?" The "....who you are?...." part is optional to add or not. I don't know why couples nitpick at each other so much. That seems so against the cause of We're Together in Life.

heidi w.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of the "We're together in Life" as long as it suits "me" going around...

kamikaze hair
April 20th, 2012, 11:20 AM
What does SO stand for?

Significant Other.



I agree with everyone else though. Its your body, your hair. Do what you want with it. And the only time I think someone can say that another person's hair is gross is when You can actually see it is gross and dirty, not in a good, im stretching my washes way, not just because its long, short, the colour purple, whatever.

ladylowtide
April 20th, 2012, 11:20 AM
My SO loved my hair when if was bleached blonde, I asked if he would like it my natural color, he said he preferred blonde. Momentarily resigned myself to bleaching it forever. Then realized I had promised myself I would never chemical process again. Told him, "I know you like it blonde, by I like it soft and touchable, not bleached to hell. I am never going back to platinum again, I have always wanted to try henna. I hope you like with some red."

He realized I was determined and he backed off in favor of being more supportive. Now he his super supportive. He even helps me measure my hair.

Every once in a while he might make a comment about it when we see an old picture, it used to bother me, but now I just let it go. His is passing fancy. when I am in love with the idea of very long hennaed hair.

Amber_Maiden
April 20th, 2012, 11:32 AM
DO NOT let your husband control your appearance and what you want to do with your hair. Grow your hair long, to waist (which really isn't that long!) and be happy with it.

It could be that he has no idea how you will look with long hair and is just worried. Prove him wrong about it looking "gross".

Freija
April 20th, 2012, 11:34 AM
I have the opposite situation! When my partner realised I was in the process of growing my hair out, he rather latched onto the idea. He wants it at least down to mid-back. It's adorable, don't get me wrong, and he probably takes better care of my hair than I do even though it's still short. And at the moment we both want the same thing anyway. But, if I ever decide that I don't want to grow it any more and that I want to cut it, it'll get cut. I've made it clear to him that it is my hair and my decision, and he accepts and respects that.

You just need to explain to him that as part of loving you, he needs to respect your agency over your own body. Every healthy relationship needs mutually understood boundaries, and if he tries to control your appearance, he's crossing them in a big way.

Macaroni
April 20th, 2012, 11:35 AM
It's a slippery slope when you allow some to control your actions.

Phalaenopsis
April 20th, 2012, 11:36 AM
It is not unreasonable for you to want long hair.
It is unreasonable and very immature for your SO to try and tell you what you can and cannot do with your hair, I would never put up with someone like that grrr.
Isn't he allowed to give his opinion? I don't think he's forcing anything on her.


Anyway, this is the reason I'm happy I already have my long hair. The dude will take me probably because it's one of the reasons he finds me beautiful and I'll have the problem the other way around, not allowed to cut it shorter.

I get that. You want the person to look how you first met them, because that's the first view you fell in love with. But people can adapt :)

Go with what you want, because that's the most sexy of all, a woman who know what she wants and has her own mind and will follow her own heart

Seeshami
April 20th, 2012, 11:40 AM
My husband has learned that I will sometimes listen to him because he has a valid point but logical or not if he orders me, or demands me to do something I will generally do the exact opposite or glare at him and snap "Do I look like your slave?"

He may ask me to do things. I respond very well to Please, or if you would like to. He would never dare tell me what I can and cannot wear or how I can and cannot have my hair. The consequences of my hard headed overreaction would be catastrophic. He's never tried it, and I highly doubt he ever will.

We took holy vows to love each other and support each other and not try to make each other into the perfect vision of what we would like.

Anje
April 20th, 2012, 12:05 PM
Your SO is certainly allowed to have his opinion, but sometimes what people anticipate doesn't line up with reality either.

I told my DH I wanted to grow my hair down to my rear. He was skeptical, didn't think it would look good. But I did, taking good care of it so that it didn't get gross in texture.

And it turns out, this length (about the longest I've had it, though with maintaining I've gotten the ends to thicken a bit) is his favorite length on me. His fears that it wouldn't look good turned out to be completely unfounded.

So I'd say, if you want waist-length hair, grow your hair. Take good care of it, make sure you get trims so it doesn't start to look untended. Wear it up so it doesn't get frazzled at the ends and so he doesn't have as many opportunities to notice it slowly growing downward. He might find he loves it, you both might find it doesn't suit you as much as you had hoped. Who knows? Ultimately, it's just hair and some of the fun of it comes from doing what we want with it and from changing it to match our ideas of how we should look.

spookyghost
April 20th, 2012, 12:37 PM
He is controlling about what I wear etc. I am not going to cut it and maybe he will quit whining about it when he sees that I am not. I have cut it several times already and I regret it every time. Thanks. I just needed to see that someone else agreed that I should what I want with my own hair.

I'm really sorry that he feels that way. I'm a very lucky lady because my husband is the exact opposite. He's very supportive and absolutely loves long hair. If you love your hair long then keep it that way. Im wondering if is has something to do with how attractive you probably look with long hair and he doesnt want other men looking at you. Kinda controlling like he is with what you wear. I hope he realizes that this is hurting you and hopefully he can be more supportive. Good luck:)

3azza
April 20th, 2012, 12:56 PM
My SO always told me to cut it short while i was growing it from bsl to hip length, then he gradually stopped. I did not notice that he admires it until i cut off 10 inches two days ago and he was like WHY???
My friend too thought its not a good idea to go longer than waist but now she thinks its nice.
Try to grow it and see!

lapushka
April 20th, 2012, 01:06 PM
Of course a guy can give his opinion, Phal. It's quite different, however, when he's controlling about it, which Kwantslonghair indicated he is (about what she wears).

It's your hair, Kwantslonghair. Do as you like with it. I'm sure he'll adapt... if he's not too controlling that is. I'd not discuss it further, but I'd just grow my hair. Maybe he won't even notice from one month to the next! :shrug:

leslissocool
April 20th, 2012, 01:14 PM
Well then I guess I like it dirty ;) (yes, I really did just typed that!).

I don't know, long hair is not unhygienic, it's not like going months without a shower. He might not like it long and is entitled to his opinion, but his health concern seems quite ignorant to me.

I also think the fact you FEEL pretty with it is way more beneficial to your relationship than cutting it. I think you'll resent him for that, the shouldn't be resent on a loving relationship IMO.

Long_hair_bear
April 20th, 2012, 01:16 PM
My hubby loves my long hair, and thankGod for that as I'd never cut it even if he didn't!

swearnsue
April 20th, 2012, 01:17 PM
I disagree with some posters that recommend confronting your SO about his opinions. There won't be any reasoning with him and a discussion could turn uncomfortable or dangerous for you. Maybe it is time to rethink who you want to be your SO? I want you to be safe and happy.

nobeltonya
April 20th, 2012, 01:26 PM
I definitely agree that it's your hair, and you should do what YOU want with it, being that you're the one taking care of it and it's how you feel and look with it. My husband bugs me all the time about "playing with my hair," [which I really don't do that much], and has said that the next time we go to India, he's going to take a picture of it with flowers in it, like the Indian women do, and then I'm going to cut it. I DON'T THINK SO. :D When I'm ready to cut it, I'll cut it. When we met, I had piercings, which I did [and still do] absolutely love. I took them all out for him, and now I want some of them back... maybe they're stupid for some people, but I LIKED THEM and liked the way they looked. At some point, I'm going to repierce my daiths and inner conches [relatively unique ear cartilage piercings]. And he can deal with it.

barely.there
April 20th, 2012, 01:28 PM
Tell him that YOU want HIM to have long hair because he looks gross with short hair! LOL

nobeltonya
April 20th, 2012, 01:30 PM
My husband has learned that I will sometimes listen to him because he has a valid point but logical or not if he orders me, or demands me to do something I will generally do the exact opposite or glare at him and snap "Do I look like your slave?"

He may ask me to do things. I respond very well to Please, or if you would like to. He would never dare tell me what I can and cannot wear or how I can and cannot have my hair. The consequences of my hard headed overreaction would be catastrophic. He's never tried it, and I highly doubt he ever will.

We took holy vows to love each other and support each other and not try to make each other into the perfect vision of what we would like.

Amen. *claps hands* :D

Ligeia_13
April 20th, 2012, 01:37 PM
He says it will be gross.

Well, though titties, it's your hair :D one can always offer opinions but its ultimately your choice. My SO chopped his ponytail off even though I didn't agree but I'm not going to nag him over it. It's his hair.

melusine963
April 20th, 2012, 02:08 PM
My SO happens to like my hair long, but it wouldn't make a difference if he didn't. I'm growing it for me, not for him. I don't comment on his clothes or hair, so I don't think he has the right to make demands on me either (not that he does).

OP: as someone else put it, we're not here to decorate other people's world. You should wear your hair (and your clothes) just as you like them.

Vallena
April 20th, 2012, 02:14 PM
It sounds to me as if there is a bigger issue than just the hair then. You do what you want, and honestly don't give into that controlling attitude, he'll either accept it and love you as you are, or show a deeper problem, in which case your better off if he takes a hike.

I agree, and would maybe suggest just preemptive walking away...:run:

Hollyfire3
April 20th, 2012, 02:43 PM
It sounds to me as if there is a bigger issue than just the hair then. You do what you want, and honestly don't give into that controlling attitude, he'll either accept it and love you as you are, or show a deeper problem, in which case your better off if he takes a hike.

This, so true, I personally wouldn't let anyone control you.

MissHair
April 20th, 2012, 02:53 PM
Your hair is a part of you, so if he says your hair will be gross that means he is saying you will be gross. In other words, he doesn't accept you for who you are. Hair should be the last of his concerns.

Shermie Girl
April 20th, 2012, 04:35 PM
KWantslonghair, if you let him tell you what to wear and how long your hair should be today, tomorrow he will be telling you where you can go, whom you may see, what you may buy at the store, even what you may eat and drink. Are you ready to commit to that level of control over your life? Are you ready to allow him to isolate you from your loved ones and regulate your every waking minute?

Trust me, it isn't as much fun as it sounds.

racrane
April 20th, 2012, 04:53 PM
Well, my boyfriend said he didn't like the idea of long hair and now that it's growing, he thinks it's really pretty. So, guys' opinions can change.

I've only read the first page of the thread so I apologize if there's more I'm missing, but sometimes guys like to control everything about their girl's appearance. That's not very healthy. If that's what your guy is like, you need to talk with him. Your body is your body alone - hair and all.

Take care!

mzBANGBANG
April 20th, 2012, 04:57 PM
He is controlling about what I wear etc. I am not going to cut it and maybe he will quit whining about it when he sees that I am not. I have cut it several times already and I regret it every time. Thanks. I just needed to see that someone else agreed that I should what I want with my own hair.

I only made it to the 3rd page of comments before chiming in, forgive me if this has been said... is it possible he doesn't want you to grow your hair because he feels it will make you more attractive and get more attention from men? If that is the case, I honestly think he'll get over it 1) not noticing it growing and 2) seeing that you're still with him when he realizes it's longer.

PurplePenguin
April 20th, 2012, 05:13 PM
I say its your hair and he shouldn't really have a say in whether or not you grow it long :shrug: but that's me and I'm a little on the ultra-feminist side. I have two friends whose SOs say they aren't allowed to cut their hair and have to grow it out. So far both women have done what they wanted in the end because its their hair. Shorter hair makes those two particular women happier.

HumanBean
April 20th, 2012, 05:43 PM
My husband prefers shorter hair and if he had his way I wouldn't be growing mine long either.

However, he completely recognizes I can do what I want and would never want me to feel otherwise.

I just started fully wearing my hair up in the last week or so (I'm APL), and he made the comment the other day that if that's what I will be doing then its kind of cool. "the best of both worlds" is how he put it. So I think what he really objects to is the long hair flowing around loose as unattractive, and I definitely had not explained well that my longer hair would be put up most of the time.

So maybe your husband is like mine and thought it would be long hair loose all the time instead of neatly put up?

SwordWomanRiona
April 20th, 2012, 05:49 PM
It sounds to me as if there is a bigger issue than just the hair then. You do what you want, and honestly don't give into that controlling attitude, he'll either accept it and love you as you are, or show a deeper problem, in which case your better off if he takes a hike.


Agree! Don't let anyone tell you what to do with your body and your hair! The length of your hair, the clothes you wear, everything should be your choice alone!
I would tell him that controlling attitude is out of order. A SO is supposed to love you just as you are!

Lalital
April 20th, 2012, 06:14 PM
Absolutely grow your hair! I understand being forced to cut it and it does no good for our self esteem. Maybe the idea of your femininity threatens him. Be strong - long hair is beautiful and you are a free person as equal as any other ;)

EdG
April 20th, 2012, 06:54 PM
It's your hair - you can grow it any way you like.

Also, the best characterization of long hair is thudworthy. Welcome to LHC! :cheese:
Ed

embee
April 20th, 2012, 07:15 PM
I agree, you're growing your hair for *you*. He isn't in charge of your hair, your clothes, etc. He does have a right to an opinion, but not to be griping and mean with it. Being controlled is a tricky lifestyle choice.

However: perhaps he is thinking of long hair all over the place. I have a friend with bleached hair not quite BSL and she finger combs it often, letting the loose hairs fall wherever. I love long hair, I have long hair, but *that* is gross. Hair is everywhere: on the furniture, the toilet, the basin, the tub, the kitchen - worse than dog or cat hair. Yes, she does clean house, but wow, she can't keep up with the shedding. Ick.

ravenreed
April 20th, 2012, 08:37 PM
Mine does that. My hair is on everything in my home. I don't even go in my sons' room and yet my hair is all over. I don't get it. I don't let my shed hairs fall all over, I put them in the trash. My hair is almost always up these days, or in a braid. When does it even have time to fall out and onto things? I have no idea WHAT is going on. House gnomes must be getting my hair out of the trash and decorating with it.

To the OP- If he is controlling about what you wear and how you do your hair, he will be controlling about other things. That means he doesn't see you as a separate person with the right to do what you want. You may want to rethink the relationship to make sure that you are willing to live with it because it is unlikely to change for the better.



I agree, you're growing your hair for *you*. He isn't in charge of your hair, your clothes, etc. He does have a right to an opinion, but not to be griping and mean with it. Being controlled is a tricky lifestyle choice.

However: perhaps he is thinking of long hair all over the place. I have a friend with bleached hair not quite BSL and she finger combs it often, letting the loose hairs fall wherever. I love long hair, I have long hair, but *that* is gross. Hair is everywhere: on the furniture, the toilet, the basin, the tub, the kitchen - worse than dog or cat hair. Yes, she does clean house, but wow, she can't keep up with the shedding. Ick.

jacqueline101
April 20th, 2012, 08:49 PM
I'm sorry yours isn't supportive in your choice. Mine likes long haired women. I'm with Heidi W maybe he has some reason why he doesn't like it that he's not sharing.

cwarren
April 20th, 2012, 08:52 PM
Grow your hair out and call it day. Don't discuss your routine, hair accessories or anything else concerning your hair with him. Do what you will with your body and all that is attached to it. I could understand him being worried about something that may put you in danger or something that would genuinely have a negative effect on your relationship, but its just hair! He can only control you if you let him.

luxepiggy
April 20th, 2012, 11:56 PM
He's entitled to express his opinions. You're entitled to disagree with him and do what makes you happy. Piggies are in favour of maximizing happiness (^(oo)^)v

HintOfMint
April 21st, 2012, 12:02 AM
I've been hearing that I shouldn't grow my hair any longer since it has been at APL. Of course, they keep saying the same thing the longer it gets. "It's perfect now, don't grow it any longer!"

Sometimes people don't know what they're talking about.

I would ignore it and not talk to him about hair. Sometimes men (and women) don't like change until it happens. If he's proactively controlling about it, then that's a problem. After all (this is probably the only appropriate time to say this expression here), IT IS JUST HAIR:D

holothuroidea
April 21st, 2012, 12:08 AM
I think you are not in a good spot in your relationship right now, at least that is how it sounds like you feel from your posts.

It's different when a SO gives you their honest opinion without strings or controlling intentions. You'll know it when you hear it, as it seems to me you know that what he is asking of you now is not within his rights.

Trust your instincts.

Tia2010
April 21st, 2012, 12:23 AM
One of my first questions on the forum was something along the lines of "My dh doesn't like really long hair, should I still grow it?"

Dh liked my pixie cut, I liked it too and was well on my way to another pixie before I found this site. ...But I decided I wanted to grow to hip/tailbone.... He thought it would look to "Amish" or "Prairie like" ( I have no idea why he associated long hair with that, but he did :shrug: )

I decided I would grow it anyway and now that he sees it, he likes it :) It helped to show him pictures of the look I was going for so he could see for himself what I liked .... which was very different from what he thought I wanted my hair to look like. He eventually came on board after that...and even if he wasn't, while I would value his opinion, I would still do what made me happy with my hair.

Kwantslonghair
April 21st, 2012, 05:53 AM
He doesn't let me work either so I have no money or no where to go at this point. I had applied for nursing school to become an RN and was accepted but he would not let me go. He said I was too old. I would be 52 by the time I got degree. He does not like sandles, Capri pants, faded or light colored jeans, I can't even own a pair of flip flops. We are not married but I have no where to go. But. I am not cutting my hair. Thanks to all for your support.

Amethyste
April 21st, 2012, 06:31 AM
He doesn't let me work either so I have no money or no where to go at this point. I had applied for nursing school to become an RN and was accepted but he would not let me go. He said I was too old. I would be 52 by the time I got degree. He does not like sandles, Capri pants, faded or light colored jeans, I can't even own a pair of flip flops. We are not married but I have no where to go. But. I am not cutting my hair. Thanks to all for your support.

You are not married to him? Please stay that way! You have no where to go? Where you are at the moment (with him) is not letting you go anywhere... Trust me, from experience, you NEED to leave. What you wrote are MAJOR red flags, no one should control your life. You are a person not a puppet. His behavior is not healthy.

You said you have no where to go... What would you do if he left you or died tomorrow (just a figure of speach here), what would you do?? When you have that figured out, that what you should do now...

XcaliburGirl
April 21st, 2012, 06:46 AM
He doesn't let me work either so I have no money or no where to go at this point. I had applied for nursing school to become an RN and was accepted but he would not let me go. He said I was too old. I would be 52 by the time I got degree. He does not like sandles, Capri pants, faded or light colored jeans, I can't even own a pair of flip flops. We are not married but I have no where to go. But. I am not cutting my hair. Thanks to all for your support.
I agree with Ametheyste. He's keeping you from anything that will make you independent of him to keep you under his control. Maybe some one on this forum can give you some suggestions on what you can do?

Kwantslonghair
April 21st, 2012, 06:46 AM
Well hhe owns the house so he wouldn't leave. He would kick me out..if he died I am in the will to have the house for my lifetime. I have no family now but my kids. And thy do not have the room for me and/or I can't live there because landlord won't allow. I broke my ankle last jan...he would not take me to hospital and I had to wait 4 hours for my son to come get me. I went and stayed with my daughter for a while until I could walk. But then the landlord said I had to go..I was still not cleared to work yet so I had no choice but to come back here.

XcaliburGirl
April 21st, 2012, 08:39 AM
Well hhe owns the house so he wouldn't leave. He would kick me out..if he died I am in the will to have the house for my lifetime. I have no family now but my kids. And thy do not have the room for me and/or I can't live there because landlord won't allow. I broke my ankle last jan...he would not take me to hospital and I had to wait 4 hours for my son to come get me. I went and stayed with my daughter for a while until I could walk. But then the landlord said I had to go..I was still not cleared to work yet so I had no choice but to come back here.
That's terrible that he wouldn't take you to the hospital. I hope you are able to figure something out soon, like somewhere you can stay temporarily until you find a job and can afford a place. :grouphug:

irishlady
April 21st, 2012, 08:45 AM
Isn't he allowed to give his opinion? I don't think he's forcing anything on her.


Anyway, this is the reason I'm happy I already have my long hair. The dude will take me probably because it's one of the reasons he finds me beautiful and I'll have the problem the other way around, not allowed to cut it shorter.

I get that. You want the person to look how you first met them, because that's the first view you fell in love with. But people can adapt :)

Go with what you want, because that's the most sexy of all, a woman who know what she wants and has her own mind and will follow her own heart

He is definitely allowed to have his opinion, and he has had his opinion, so he should now leave it be, and not try and control her. By the way the OP worded things, it seems he is just not really willing to let her do what she wants with her hair, and is going to make stupid comments, and that is when it comes controlling and unreasonable.

MsBubbles
April 21st, 2012, 08:58 AM
I have always been forced or guilted to cut it.

I'm a little concerned about you saying you were 'forced' to cut it. Can you explain?

I hope you can find your independence soon!

boomtownrat
April 21st, 2012, 09:10 AM
Well hhe owns the house so he wouldn't leave. He would kick me out..if he died I am in the will to have the house for my lifetime. I have no family now but my kids. And thy do not have the room for me and/or I can't live there because landlord won't allow. I broke my ankle last jan...he would not take me to hospital and I had to wait 4 hours for my son to come get me. I went and stayed with my daughter for a while until I could walk. But then the landlord said I had to go..I was still not cleared to work yet so I had no choice but to come back here.

What you're describing is abuse. The part in bold is a massive red flag for even worse things to come. Your hair is the least of your worries, I have to say. I hope for your sake that you can escape his controlling, abusive, downright sociopathic clutches.

embee
April 21st, 2012, 10:50 AM
What you describe is a Bad Place. In my book that is called Abuse.

If you were my DD I would be very sad. DD did go out with a guy like that for a while. It was very difficult for DS and for me to let it happen, but she had to make the choice to stay or leave.

Can you put your hair up so it is not so much an issue? All you need is a pencil or chopstick (cut to size).

I hope you find a way out of the woods soon, you will be in my prayers.

MsBubbles
April 21st, 2012, 10:56 AM
From the username you picked, I believe you are your own person deep down inside, and have the full capability and strength to live your OWN life, for yourself :). You really do! Please go with that. Make the break and build your own life up for yourself, bit by bit. It won't happen overnight, but you can do it with a little help from your LHC friends :). I believe you can get your own life back, for you. Your life was meant to be lived, for YOU, and nobody else. OK? :flower: We're all rooting for you!

lapushka
April 21st, 2012, 10:58 AM
He doesn't let me work either so I have no money or no where to go at this point. I had applied for nursing school to become an RN and was accepted but he would not let me go. He said I was too old. I would be 52 by the time I got degree. He does not like sandles, Capri pants, faded or light colored jeans, I can't even own a pair of flip flops. We are not married but I have no where to go. But. I am not cutting my hair. Thanks to all for your support.


Well hhe owns the house so he wouldn't leave. He would kick me out..if he died I am in the will to have the house for my lifetime. I have no family now but my kids. And thy do not have the room for me and/or I can't live there because landlord won't allow. I broke my ankle last jan...he would not take me to hospital and I had to wait 4 hours for my son to come get me. I went and stayed with my daughter for a while until I could walk. But then the landlord said I had to go..I was still not cleared to work yet so I had no choice but to come back here.

I'm so sorry. This is such a bad situation to be in. :( I hope he at least doesn't succeed in taking your hair growth wants and wishes away from you - sounds to me like that's the only thing you've got left to decide on.

holothuroidea
April 21st, 2012, 11:02 AM
There is help for women in your situation. There are shelters you can go to.

Read up about domestic abuse. Know your rights. Many women have been where you are. There is help out there for you, take advantage of it.

Here's a good website about domestic abuse. (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm)
Here's a good website on how to find help. (http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_type.php?type_name=State&#37;20and%20Local%20P rograms)

ETA: Even if you are not being beaten or battered, you are being controlled and abused. Financially and emotionally. Your rights are being violated by him, and it is not legal.

Kwantslonghair
April 21st, 2012, 03:55 PM
I have started to squirrel away some money from grocery money etc. 5 here, 10 there until I have enough to buy me a cheap trailer or something. It just takes forever. I do hope to be out soon. I do at least have a decent car. I will keep my hair this time. I have cut it so many times already it would have been down to my knees already. It was mid back when I met him. That was almost 11years ago.

luxepiggy
April 21st, 2012, 04:02 PM
I have started to squirrel away some money from grocery money etc. 5 here, 10 there until I have enough to buy me a cheap trailer or something. It just takes forever. I do hope to be out soon. I do at least have a decent car. I will keep my hair this time. I have cut it so many times already it would have been down to my knees already. It was mid back when I met him. That was almost 11years ago.

Good for you, both for taking action towards getting away from this toxic relationship and for holding firm in your desire to have long hair! I've got my fingers crossed for you x(^(oo)^)x

newbeginning
April 21st, 2012, 04:12 PM
I'm glad you're already planning on getting away from this guy. No one deserves to be treated as you are by him.

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:29 PM
Part 1 of 7 Parts

(Sorry for the long post. I just want to help give hope to someone who may be hurting)

I am sharing with you all my story of survival of domestic abuse because it may help someone else.

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

When I was very young I was married to an abusive alcoholic man. The very first thing he did was isolate me from my family and friends. He even disconnected the phone after I moved in! We lived far in the country and I had no vehicle, no money and I was not allowed to have visitors so I was all alone and completely dependent on him. The road we lived on was a dead end road and he had a friend who lived by the intersection who would watch for unfamiliar vehicles and report them to him. Soon after the isolation he would pull my hair and slap me in the face if he had a bad day or was mad at someone at work. He went from drinking beer to drinking hard alcohol and the more he drank the meaner he became. The first time he beat me with his fists was because there were no leftovers from dinner. Keep in mind that I had to cook and prepare his plate. I had to make sure it was fresh and warm when he was ready to eat and mostly his plate had to be, running over, full and if there was anything left I could eat. That night I had a small cut off of a piece of meat and I ate the potato peels while he ate three pieces of steak, fried potatoes, green beans and all the salad. I remembered weighing in at 79 pounds.

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:30 PM
Part 2 of 7 Parts (continued)

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

I became pregnant within a few months after we wed and thought the abuse would stop. I was wrong! One night he was out with his friends and when he came home he picked me up while I lay sleeping and he threw me against the wall. When I came to he was punching me in the stomach. When he was done he passed out on the bed. I laid there for a long time doubled over with cramps unable to move. When I was able to get up I was bleeding excessively. I begged him to help me but he just pushed me away as he swore at me. He kept his keys hidden so it took me a while to find them. I finally did and made it into his truck and almost got away, but before I could back out of the very long drive he opened the door and pulled me violently out to the ground. He put his knee in my stomach as he leaned down to make himself clear when he made his first threat. He told me that if I told anyone that he hit me that he would kill my mother in her sleep. After he was sure we had an understanding he drove me to the hospital. He stayed close to make sure I did not whisper a word about him. It turned out that his beating caused me to have a miscarriage. I told the doctor that I had fallen down some stairs just as he had instructed and he believed me. The weeks after that were blurred and still are!

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:31 PM
Part 3 of 7 Parts (continued)

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

I was young and scared and had nowhere to go. When we married I was still in high school close to graduation and he was so sweet to me then. He promised that he would be supportive of my education as I shared my dreams and hopes with him. He was a bit older then I and my family life at home was unbearable and unacceptable with my motherís new boyfriend and his behavior towards me. I was only 17 at the time and when I say I had nowhere to go I really mean it. He forced me to drop out of high school and made no apologies for it. It wasnít very long after my miscarriage that I became pregnant again. Over time his behavior became even more erratic. I will spare you the details but again pregnancy did not stop his abuse and when I was 6 month pregnant one of his beatings put me into ICU and into hard labor. After an amniocentesis they found that my sonís lungs were not developed enough to live outside the uterus. All the regular drug protocols did not slow my labor. I signed papers to be treated with an experimental drug and papers to keep my body on life support in the likelihood that I would die. The drugs almost killed me but they were able to hold off delivery long enough for my son to survive. My husband was not at the hospital when I gave birth but showed up later. My son was weak and fighting for life. They released me, but he had to stay in neonatal. I insisted that I stay with him and the doctors agreed that it was ok but my husband had other plans. He was full of threats to kill my family and how he would do it if I refused to leave with him. In my young mind his threats were very real. He did promise to bring me back to the hospital the next day, but once I was home he refused to let me leave. He had much built up rage to release on me over the next six weeks. When our son was released from the hospital my husbandís mother came by to tell us that the hospital had called. I begged her to help me but she knew what was happening to me. She told him of my pleas to her and I paid for them that night. He finally late in the day took me to pick our son up from the hospital and did not let me leave his side for fear I might tell of his abuse.

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:32 PM
Part 4 of 7 Parts (continued)

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

Weeks turned into months and months into years. I was all to accustom to the degrading emotional abuse and the vicious physical attacks. For a good while he would stay gone for days at a time and they were such blessings to me. I prayed a lot and I became friends with a woman who lived about two miles up the road. She did not know about the abuse at first but she suspected. When he was gone I would go visit with her and use her phone. A miracle happened for me when my husbandís grandmother gave me her old car. She took him outside after he started protesting, but when he came back in he just glared and gave me the keys. She never told why she gave it to me or what she said to him outside. It was a gift from my Lord! I was given a little freedom. My friend would babysit for me on occasion. One day with her help I was able to drive to the college a few towns away and took my GED. I tried to talk to my husband about getting my GED. He was furious when I brought it up and insisted that I knew what would happen if I tried. I thought I had got away with taking the GED because he did not catch me, but I made one mistake. I had it mailed to my address and not my friends. The one day he was too hung over to go to work, was the one day that it came in the mail. Good news I passed and received my certificate! Bad news, he was MAD! It was the third worst beating he had dealt and when he was done I was black and blue. I am not sorry that I went and got my GED, not then and not now. A couple years later I got pregnant again.

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:32 PM
Part 5 of 7 Parts (continued)

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

By this time I was stronger and had managed to make a few friends and started going to church on Sundays. He hated everything about it, but I was not afraid anymore! In my damaged thinking I thought, what was the worst he could do, kill me! Death no longer scared me and after I was saved in some ways I welcomed it over the hell I was living in. I developed a relationship with my biological dad and he would come see me from time to time. My husband was afraid of him so he hit me less and made sure that any bruises would be hid by clothing. Unfortunately when his physical abuse eased up his emotional abuse increased by bounds. Shortly after giving birth to my daughter I got a job in town and my friend would babysit the kids. There are no words for me to formulate that could explained his rage when he found that I had a job. All the pain inflicted because of that job was well worth the payoff. It was exhausting being abused, cleaning up after him, working full time, waiting on him hand and foot and taking care of a newborn and a small child. I cannot say it enough, the freedom that came from having that job was worth every bit of sweat and tears. I prayed for him and the preacher prayed for him, but he was not interested on our prayers. He was just angry! He had several girlfriends and they would mock me and say very cruel things.

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:33 PM
Part 6 of 7 Parts (continued)

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

Then what I feared most happened! He became violent against our small son who was only about three years old! I intervened and we took to fist fighting, but he was much bigger and stronger then I. I would have fought to the death of me to keep him from hurting my child. He got tired after a while and left. I laid there crying in agony, not over my broken body, but over my broken situation! In the event of my death I had given my friend an envelope to provide to the police that had everything in it to make sure that the monster I married would not get custody of our children. That night I suffered so that I prayed for God to take me home to Heaven. I could not live one more day like this. In that moment that I said Amen, God took me into his arms and wrapped me in his peace and every ounce of pain, sorrow and anger was gone! To this day I feel nothing but peace! He freed me that night! He gave me courage to leave! While my husband was at work I loaded my car with only our clothes and a few pictures that I had and we left him. We were homeless! We stayed in a garage, in a camper, in all sorts of places until I was able to get enough money to rent an apartment. It was hard but we made it! Sometimes we did not have what we wanted but God made sure we had what we needed! It was a nasty divorce but I received sole custody of our children and he eventually left me alone. I went on to go to college and become the youngest senior account in our branch office history and married the man of my dreams. We have been married for almost 20 years. He has been a great husband and dad to my two children from my previous marriage and we have two children together. He has not once made my first two children feel like step kids, in fact he has always claimed them as his own.

Praise God by the strength of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I survived my ex-husband!

annamoonfairy
April 21st, 2012, 10:34 PM
Part 7 of 7 Parts (continued)

Please keep in mind that my story is about domestic abuse and how I survived it. Some viewers may not want to read any further due to the nature of its content.

I have been asked so many times, why did you not simply just leave earlier? I believe there are many factors as to why. First you want to believe that the person you love can change and so you hold out hope. Every time he cries and says it will never happen again, you really want to believe it is true. I also think that after a long period of emotional abuse a person starts to believe it. Without a support system it is very hard not to surcome to the negative input. Then there is fear of the unknown! Being homeless and the thought of starvation are motivators to stay. I may have not had much to eat but at least I had a little. This was my thinking at the time. It is hard to understand domestic abuse if you have never been abused. What I do know from firsthand experience is that it only gets worse the longer you stay. The weaker you get the stronger they feel. The more control they have the stronger the hold! Most all communities have shelters for battered women, I did not know this when I was being abused. There are government programs to help those in need here in the US.

If you or anyone you know is in an unsafe abusive relationship please seek
help! It is vital to make friends and get a support system in place. I survived and found happiness and so can you.

I know this is a long post, but it is my hope that my story can help empower someone else who is hurting. If you would like for me to say extra prayers for your situation please leave me a private massage. There is hope, hold on to it!

If you are in immediate danger, call 911
Here are some links
You can also call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
www.womenshelters.org
www.endabuse.org
http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/
www.ndvh.org

holothuroidea
April 21st, 2012, 11:16 PM
Thank you for sharing your story, Annamoonfairy. :grouphug:

holothuroidea
April 21st, 2012, 11:20 PM
I just want to say that it doesn't take physical violence for it to be abuse.

I had a whole long story about my history but I deleted it because it involves my mom and I don't want to share her story too much, as it is mostly hers. But, in short, my dad abused her terribly but never hit her. It took a lot of strength for her to leave him under all the manipulation and control. I am very glad she did.

annamoonfairy
April 22nd, 2012, 12:03 AM
I agree totally holothuroidea abuse comes in many forms. Any form of abuse is bad. I am glad your mom got out and I hope she is healthy and happy.

Amethyste
April 22nd, 2012, 12:05 AM
AnnaMoonFairy, your story really touched me deeply... Kudos to you for re-aligning your life towards self love, happiness and success.

ravenreed
April 22nd, 2012, 12:08 AM
Of course he won't let you go to school. If you did, you might have options and be able to leave his sorry butt. That is typical abuser behavior. You need to get out as soon as possible.

Kwantslonghair
April 22nd, 2012, 07:00 AM
That is the exact story with my first husband except he never physically beat me. Unfortunately I seem to have gotten myself in a similar situation. I am saving to get out.

Kwantslonghair
April 22nd, 2012, 07:10 AM
Thank you annamoonfairy for sharing your story it is like reading my own story minus the physical abuse. First husband was very verbal abusive and kept me from doing/having things, no car, out in country alone with kids, no friends, etc. this guy makes sure I have a decent drivable car and I go places, see my kids, stuff like that..he gives me money for groceries and to buyChristmas for kids,grand kids. But I want my own money. He gives me money but I don't have access to the bank account. I can buy what ever fits into the categories of things he allows.

cobden 28
April 22nd, 2012, 08:20 AM
Whew! I can't honestly say anything about the 'abusive partner' side of this topic, but when it comes to the subject of your hair, you grow it how you want it, girl! It's your body, your hair, therefore your right to have the final say in what you do with any of it. Naturally your 'nearest and dearest' will want to have their say on the subject and you can't stop that, but your partner has no right to 'tell' you what do do with your hair.

My husband has been clean-shaven for three weeks in the forty years I've known him, and to be honest in my opinion he looks UGLY with a bald face, and I've told him must that! But it's his beard, his face, and while he accepts my opinion of his hairy face I know that if he decided to go ahead and shave it all off one day there's nothing I could do to stop him.

He says my waist-length mid-brown hair is looking 'tired' and 'grey' to which I agree, but he thinks I ought to have blonde streaks put in to brighten the colour. I agree the colour of my hair looks dull but I've told him I'm not having streaks put in my hair ever again. Quite apart from the cost which would be double because my hair is so long, the last time I had streaks put in was over twenty years ago when my hair was in a collar-length bob - I found the whole procedure excruciatingly eye-watering and painful, when I had to put on the plastic cap with holes in it and for the hairdresser to use a crochet hook to drag lengths of hair through the holes in the cap.

I'm not going to put myself through this eye-watering experience just to please my husband! The pain would be on a par with me trying to remove his beard hairs individually with tweezers - OUCH!

dulce
April 22nd, 2012, 09:28 AM
Cobden28,there is now a new method of highlighting now,they add chemicals and wrap each section in foil,no more crochet hooks and cap,they hurt!It's called foil highlights and I had some done 3 years ago.Much better!

noelgirl
April 22nd, 2012, 09:36 AM
I just want to say that it doesn't take physical violence for it to be abuse.

I had a whole long story about my history but I deleted it because it involves my mom and I don't want to share her story too much, as it is mostly hers. But, in short, my dad abused her terribly but never hit her. It took a lot of strength for her to leave him under all the manipulation and control. I am very glad she did.

Exactly. A friend of mine does seminars on domestic abuse, and she always starts with a game called "Stay or go?". She describes a relationship from the beginning, and it starts with seemingly benign things like the man saying the woman is the only one who understands him (and after each vignette, she asks the audience "Stay or go?"). It escalates from there, including isolating the woman from friends and controlling what she wears, but he doesn't lay a hand on her until the very end. The point of the exercise is that an abuser never leads with that side of him, and you don't figure out that that's your situation until you're in it.

skaempfer
April 22nd, 2012, 09:50 AM
That is the exact story with my first husband except he never physically beat me. Unfortunately I seem to have gotten myself in a similar situation. I am saving to get out.

You don't have to wait for that. You can get out now; like Holo said, there are loads of shelters.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this :grouphug:

lapushka
April 22nd, 2012, 10:51 AM
Annamoonfairy, it's amazing what you've coped with and what you've lived through. I can hardly imagine what it must have been like for you. I'm so glad you shared your story! Hopefully Kwantslonghair will find some solace and courage in it.

Kwantslonghair, best of luck to you. I hope you can escape your situation some day, the sooner the better.

Cocoa_Crema
April 22nd, 2012, 11:48 AM
He is controlling about what I wear etc. I am not going to cut it and maybe he will quit whining about it when he sees that I am not. I have cut it several times already and I regret it every time. Thanks. I just needed to see that someone else agreed that I should what I want with my own hair.


You should do what you want to do! It seems like your SO is so controlling that he doesn't want you to be yourself. Perhaps, it's time to think why he continues to banter you on your appearance? He should love you for who you are. His treatment towards you will erode your self confidence, and basically make you feel not empowered.

I might be jumping to conclusions, but he wants ownership over you. Maybe this guy thinks that if he keeps you down you''ll be his forever. He sounds insecure and jealous.... He doesn't want you feeling beautiful or confident. Cut your hair and your letting him keep you on a ball and chain.

Cocoa_Crema
April 22nd, 2012, 12:05 PM
He doesn't let me work either so I have no money or no where to go at this point. I had applied for nursing school to become an RN and was accepted but he would not let me go. He said I was too old. I would be 52 by the time I got degree. He does not like sandles, Capri pants, faded or light colored jeans, I can't even own a pair of flip flops. We are not married but I have no where to go. But. I am not cutting my hair. Thanks to all for your support.


:(

Finally got to this page on the thread. This makes me sad. I hope that you can find a support network in your area. I know that there is an organization here in Arizona called Fresh Start. It's strictly for women and empowering them. It offers programs that help women get on their feet and make good in their life. They provide free classes, job fairs, counseling, and even fitness classes. I sought out there help when I needed help in a child custody case.

I hope that there is an organization like that somewhere in your area.

Good luck to you! Be well, be strong, and remember you deserve the best. :grouphug: