Does it Seem Unfair?

[carolinaberry]

Ok, this is a little whiney. I just decided towards the end of Feb. to purposely grow my hair out long and healthy, and I have made good strides so far, so I am not bemoaning my hair luck per se. The problems I have with my hair now are due to bad choices of self-bleaching and such and the bad haircuts I ended up with to get rid of damage.

But...to those who put a lot of effort into either trying to grow their hair out or maintaining beautiful long hair...do you ever see the way other people abuse their hair and still have nice hair and feel a bit...discouraged?

What I am talking about is I have never been a blow-dryer...only rarely used flat irons and not for a long time now...don't smoke, rarely have alcohol, drink lots of water, take supplements, only finger-comb or wide-tooth comb to detangle (no brushing while wet)....and I just feel like I am having to really try to grow my hair now...

But I know someone who chain smokes (2 packs per day), drinks nothing but soda (ever), eats horribly, never gets a good night's sleep, takes no supplements, has to take pain pills a lot for back and pelvic problems, blow drys and flat irons her hair every time she washes it, gets it bleached/highlight/dyed dark/bleached again---and her hair grows like a weed and rarely gets split ends...


My main point in all these words is to ask-is our hair health/growth mostly pre-determined and so this effort is mostly wasted? Or are some people just lucky? I'm glad my friend has great fast-growing hair. I just wish my hair was as hardy as hers.

[sarelis]

Aww, don't feel bad, maybe your friend is secretly envious of something about you? We are all blessed in different ways & there really is no point in comparing yourself to others. Grow your hair long & healthy for your own benefit, and with all your healthy lifestyle choices you may see other surprising benefits too. I hardly drink any water at the moment but when I do make the effort to drink enough the difference in my skin is incredible (even though I am a fairly heavy smoker too!) Just enjoy your own hair, admire others if you like but don't be jealous :)

[Silverbrumby]

Yes. I see great bleached, blow fried, abused hair all the time. I imagine it would look fantastic if they gave all that up.

[julliams]

I guess you need to look at it a little differently in that you are wanting to make your hair the best it can be.

I once had a girl at school constantly tell me that she wanted her hair to be just like mine. Well, mine is thick, coarse, wavy and strawberry blonde and hers was very dark, straight, fine and looked way softer than mine could ever be. Fact was, hers would never really look like mine and I was always confused as to why she would say this to me.

Start to look at those who have a similar hair type to you as your role models. A completely healthy head of hair is different to different people and for you, it could even be that leaving it alone, giving it moisture treatments once a week and eating well will give you your best head of hair. I actually found when I was paying my hair more attention, I didn't appreciate it as much and was always looking for it to be "better" and "longer". Now that I am at my goal length, I have eased up on wanting it to be something else, and as a result I'm enjoying it more.

Finding what works best for your hair is key. Once you have found that, just focus on making it the best it can be.

When you are at the length you are now (17"), and your goal is double that, it simply feels like it's going to take forever but really, it won't and eventually it will be what you hope it will be. Plus by then, you will have been taking good care of it for a long time and it will be a very healthy head of 35" hair.

Also don't forget that products do alot to hide damage. The same hair left in it's natural state, might look completely different without it's shiny coating.

[carolinaberry]

I sounded snarky, but I really am just wondering how much of the effort I am putting in my hair is making a difference. I described what my friend does to her hair as a counter-example. We joke about it all the time. She is frustrated with her bad skin and I very rarely get a small pimple, so I have my good points too. I am just wondering if all the extra care I'm taking is actually making a difference or if it is just me wanting to feel like I am doing something.

[caiti42]

I agree. It's very unfair sometimes!

[Katze]

Yes. All the time. :)

I've been trying to get long hair for over ten years, and doing everything 'right' by LHC standards for 6 years...and my hair is barely BSL (I have trimmed a lot of taper and damage).

My husband is also a fine haired wavy but his hair is thick and doesn't taper. He treats it like crap (a bit better since meeting me) and it grows like a weed and is still thick even though he is 40 years old. It now is probably closing on waist length when stretched.

My sister has gorgeous chestnut colored shiny smooth barely-wavy hair that she does not heat treat or dye but basically neglects. She can put it into a ponytail in the morning and still look tidy and pulled-together in the afternoon.

It's genes, and it isn't fair. :silly:

[PolarCathy]

I think that julliams has very good points.

You can't compare your hair to anyone else's. You only can aspire to realize your own hair's full potential if that makes sense.

I truly believe that genetics play a much larger part than our efforts though. Sorry.

For me what all this boils down to (when I'm in a more constructive mood, rather than just bashing myself because I don't think I have the luckiest hair genes either):

(1) I want to stop comparing myself constantly to others. (I'm working on it.) My value is not something compared to others. My value is absolute. I'm a valuable person regardless of my frizzy mess.

(2) No, your time is probably not wasted but if you have other and more important things to do I think it's wiser to do those.

If I have to choose between, say, one hour in the gym or a deep treatment for my hair for me it's an obvious choice. I can do much more for my body (and soul) during that one hour gym session. In percentage if you will: I can "add" maybe 25% to my hair while 75% is down to genetics while I can completely change the way my body performs and looks like, so 75% is up to me and only 25% is determined. We can discuss about the exact numbers but that's not my point. It's the proportions. But if you have plenty of time and can do both then of course add the 25% you can, to your hair.

Instead, I'd be crying over the (true) fact that "God" or "bad luck" or "my parents" have given me this cr.p I have to deal with and how much luckier the people around me are, hair-wise, but then I'd miss out my gym session and I'd feel even worse.

Sorry for the clumsy English, it's not my first language.

[Amanah]

I like what you said PolarCathy.

I wanted to add this: It's about the whole package including your hair,
take care of all of yourself, your health, your diet, hair, nails, get plenty of rest,
find a way to work out that you enjoy, take time to enjoy family and friends and a good book or movie, make your life fun.

Our hair is one part of our appearance and we just make the best with what we have and be thankfull for what we have.

When I was younger I didn't give a thought for my hair and it grew long and thick and wavy.
I lost my hair to chemo and it came back baby fine and fragile.
Now I'm learing how to care for my hair and it's more of a work of art,
I appreciate it so much more.

Instead of being frustrated with your hair, enjoy the ritural of caring for it and caring for yourself.

[Tota]

Start to look at those who have a similar hair type to you as your role models.

This (in addition to finding the right care routine for your hair type) could be the best advice ever :)

I was frustrated with my hair for the most part of my life just because I was comparing it to my sister's hair. She has thick, straight WL hair that grows like weed and rarely splits or tangles. She blowdries and dyes it, never wears it up, is a chain smoker and so on and on ... and her hair is just gorgeous. When I joined TLHC I learned about different hair types and now is the first time in my life that I don't try to make my hair something that it's not. But sometimes ... aaaaargh ... when we spend the weekend together and I wear my hair up all the time to protect it and then see her how she get's it caught in the door, seatbelt, her bag etc. and her hair is just like - meh, I'm made of steel ... It's really not fair, but what can we do except to admire it lol.

[Ceridwen Iris]

It seems to me that the most influential factor in determining what sort of hair you will have is genetics. You can give up dryers and styling and washing and dyeing. You can wear it up or wear a scarf or change your pillowcase. You can eat more protein or drink less alcohol. You can brush it 100 times a day or never touch it once.

At the end of the day, you are only going to produce modest changes to what you were born with.

It may well be that all of the things you are doing make no difference. There are certainly many things on here that make no difference at all to my hair. I seriously don't get the silicone aversion for example, but I have found putting my 'normal' conditioner on as a leave does help me have softer hair, so I keep doing that. I think a lot of stuff in life, not only on LHC, but everywhere is a bit superstitious and akin to wearing 'lucky socks' but I think if you don't get too tied up in everything, accept that your hair is your hair and realise some things will work and lots won't, you'll find things easier.

[Hollyfire3]

I see this ALL the time, granted my hair is heat damaged and no good at all right now, but seeing people who do nothing to their hair and have WL or longer locks that are beautiful, it makes me cry, literaly

[Hollyfire3]

It seems to me that the most influential factor in determining what sort of hair you will have is genetics. You can give up dryers and styling and washing and dyeing. You can wear it up or wear a scarf or change your pillowcase. You can eat more protein or drink less alcohol. You can brush it 100 times a day or never touch it once.

At the end of the day, you are only going to produce modest changes to what you were born with.

It may well be that all of the things you are doing make no difference. There are certainly many things on here that make no difference at all to my hair. I seriously don't get the silicone aversion for example, but I have found putting my 'normal' conditioner on as a leave does help me have softer hair, so I keep doing that. I think a lot of stuff in life, not only on LHC, but everywhere is a bit superstitious and akin to wearing 'lucky socks' but I think if you don't get too tied up in everything, accept that your hair is your hair and realise some things will work and lots won't, you'll find things easier.

I don't know...I have seen some pretty big changes between no heat, dyeing hair and not dyeing.....like mine for example never used to be a blunt hemline for more than a week after a trim, but now, I don't really need trims every 6 weeks, I only get them to get rid of this damage, my hemline is SO blunt, I have never had this happen with heat. Genetics plays a role I guess...maybe.....but I refuse to believe if your born with bad hair, you have bad hair becuase thats what you were born with, there are things to make your hair look thicker or to keep new growth so it gets thicker, there are ways to banish frizz, ways to make hair curlier, straighter, smoother, both LHC ways and conventional ways, hair IS changable, it takes determination and lots of hard work, but if you want it, you can get it most of the time.

[Hollyfire3]

This (in addition to finding the right care routine for your hair type) could be the best advice ever :)

I was frustrated with my hair for the most part of my life just because I was comparing it to my sister's hair. She has thick, straight WL hair that grows like weed and rarely splits or tangles. She blowdries and dyes it, never wears it up, is a chain smoker and so on and on ... and her hair is just gorgeous. When I joined TLHC I learned about different hair types and now is the first time in my life that I don't try to make my hair something that it's not. But sometimes ... aaaaargh ... when we spend the weekend together and I wear my hair up all the time to protect it and then see her how she get's it caught in the door, seatbelt, her bag etc. and her hair is just like - meh, I'm made of steel ... It's really not fair, but what can we do except to admire it lol.


Its just so sad to have to except that you'll never have something when someone else is walking around with it and paying it no mind......its never fair, I say try and change what you can and never give up! I know I won't.....:)

[Fairlight63]

I know what you mean! I see people that abuse their hair, don't eat right, etc. and their hair is thick & looks beautiful.

I don't drink or smoke & treat my hair like it is fine lace & mine is thin & fine. No matter what I do I have a thin area on top of my head that I always have to make sure it is covered or I like like I have a bald spot.

[Amber_Maiden]

Products hide damage. I seriously have never seen someone who straightens their hair have nice hair- I always see broken short hairs close to their scalp!

[Hollyfire3]

Products hide damage. I seriously have never seen someone who straightens their hair have nice hair- I always see broken short hairs close to their scalp!

This too! You know, come to think of it, those who say people around them have better hair, take a better look, sometimes, it looks course but is really dry and brittle, it looks thick but is full of tangles, it is long but needs a trim, it doesn't look damage but is really fried and covered in cones....I have learned this about some people around me, it often helps to take a second or third look, our minds often twitst reality (at leat mine does)

[torrilin]

I sounded snarky, but I really am just wondering how much of the effort I am putting in my hair is making a difference. I described what my friend does to her hair as a counter-example. We joke about it all the time. She is frustrated with her bad skin and I very rarely get a small pimple, so I have my good points too. I am just wondering if all the extra care I'm taking is actually making a difference or if it is just me wanting to feel like I am doing something.

I don't have to wonder.

At age 18, I actively needed trims about every 2 months. I'd have visible split ends and enough of an increase in tangling that my hair would make me miserable. When I moved up here to Madison a few years ago and went to see a stylist for a trim, I had the stylist tell me I didn't need one, even tho it had been literally about 6 or 9 months since my last trim. She said I was being too fussy about splits. I disagreed firmly and showed her why, and finally got her to give me a trim. Up until that point, I hadn't ever had a stylist argue so hard with me about a 6 months trim. (I'd given up 3 months trims after having to argue with my regular stylist over them in a similar way)

I haven't yet gotten to the point where my partner's barber will refuse to trim me as often as I ask, but I figure I'll get there eventually :). I only see him about twice a year, and he doesn't always get asked for a trim. In between times, I've been doing small self trims and split end hunting.

So yeah, gentle care can and does make a measurable difference for me. Fine hair is not a naturally sturdy type, but I've learned to handle mine so that it doesn't take much fuss. And I've had friends with sturdier hair types think mine is easy to handle. It's not :). But I make it look easy by only ever doing things with my hair that it handles well.

[Madora]

Of course it is upsetting to see someone who treats their hair like garbage have beautiful looking hair. BUT Heaven only knows the true condition of their hair once all the "restorers" and what not have been removed. It is probably shot to hell because while hair is resillient, it is only so up to a point. If you dye, bleach, straighten the life out of it, you'll end up with hay, unless you do something to hide the damage.

So in the long run, if you diligently take care of your hair, and have patience, you'll reap the rewards. Hair growth is also a matter of genetics, as has been discussed in another thread. But you certainly can help to grow hair longer by nuturing it as we do here at LHC.

[spidermom]

I agree with it being unfair that some of us have to work at having nice hair while other people can do all the "bad" things and still have nice hair. However, I've been at this long enough to know that the changes I have made have benefitted my hair, and it's my head of hair that I have to live with.

I'd love to be able to get away with flat-ironing my hair, though.

[Ceridwen Iris]

I don't know...I have seen some pretty big changes between no heat, dyeing hair and not dyeing.....like mine for example never used to be a blunt hemline for more than a week after a trim, but now, I don't really need trims every 6 weeks, I only get them to get rid of this damage, my hemline is SO blunt, I have never had this happen with heat. Genetics plays a role I guess...maybe.....but I refuse to believe if your born with bad hair, you have bad hair becuase thats what you were born with, there are things to make your hair look thicker or to keep new growth so it gets thicker, there are ways to banish frizz, ways to make hair curlier, straighter, smoother, both LHC ways and conventional ways, hair IS changable, it takes determination and lots of hard work, but if you want it, you can get it most of the time.

I think we are actually probably in agreement, it is just a matter of the degree of change that is possible. My mother is a great example I think of someone who does the right things, takes good care of her hair but it has always been and will always be thin and fine. She cannot grow her hair long and have it look the way she wants it to. Now she is able to have the best hair she can have but the reality is that I can dye my hair and use heat on it regularly and it still grows fine, and is very thick and plentiful.

I'm not saying that improvements cannot be made but I think we do people a disservice to suggest that a person with thin, fine hair is suddenly going to have voluminous tresses because the get rid of their hair dryer and gave up hair spray. I just think we need to be realistic in our expectations of our hair, to avoid disappointment and frustration.

[MsBubbles]

It is unfair to a certain extent, the same way that our bodies are all different builds. The biggest problem - after dealing the best with what we were born with - is learning how to love what we've got when the rest of the world is apt to judge us, for example, for having naturally thicker thighs, or thinner hair.

I have heard a lot of people insinuate that thin/fine, straight hair like mine looks 'ratty' and shouldn't be worn long. Or that people with ample, regular waves must have 'healthy' hair because it seems to be more voluminous. This tendency for women to bash other women really needs to go away, and keep up with the progress women have made in the past 100 years. Looks are still relevant unfortunately, but I think we women let so much of what other women say about our body parts & hair get to us on a very deep level.

I am trying to focus on making the best of what I was born with, even though it was basically a genetic roll of the dice.

[RitaPG]

*snipped*
The problems I have with my hair now are due to bad choices of self-bleaching and such and the bad haircuts I ended up with to get rid of damage.
But...to those who put a lot of effort into either trying to grow their hair out or maintaining beautiful long hair...do you ever see the way other people abuse their hair and still have nice hair and feel a bit...discouraged?
My main point in all these words is to ask-is our hair health/growth mostly pre-determined and so this effort is mostly wasted? Or are some people just lucky? I'm glad my friend has great fast-growing hair. I just wish my hair was as hardy as hers.
The thing you are doing wrong is comparing yourself to other people. It's extremely unfair for you to do that. You said it yourself, you made bad choices, bleached your hair and ended up with bad haircuts trying to get rid of the damage.

I just think we need to be realistic in our expectations of our hair, to avoid disappointment and frustration.
This!
Growing healthy hair is not a wasted effort, if someone blowfries the life out of it and it still looks nice and they have good growth, that's just luck. But in the long run it will always have consequences, especially if the person has an unhealthy lifestyle and sooner or later their hair will suffer for it, even if it looks amazing right now, it is most likely the products they use that make it look good.

While on the other hand, eventually all the damage will grow and be cut out, and if you keep taking good care of your hair you'll be able to maximize your growth. You have to be responsible for your own mistakes, do your best to correct them and never try to compare your hair with someone else's.

I had dyed hair a while ago and while my hair looked nice and everyone gave me compliments on it, it was constantly breaking and so tangled that combing it would cause even more breakage. I no longer dye my hair and take good care of it and it's now longer and shinier than ever, it took me a while to find the right routine for me and I still have to adjust it sometimes, but I'm glad I took the extra effort ^^ some people will always have hair that looks fuller than mine but I don't care. If I did, I'd never be satisfied with mine and I don't want to be one of those people that always complain how the grass is greener on the other side. I'd rather be one of those people that look in the mirror in the morning and say "damn that looks good" :D

[swearnsue]

Yes it it absolutely unfair and you have every right to feel frustrated and angry. Many years ago my girlfriend lived on orange soda and cigs, even during her pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby. But a year later she came down with multiple sclerosis. So I guess I'm saying is things may look good for your friend right now, on the surface, but in the long run her bad habits will catch up with her. In the meantime, try not to get discouraged and your hair will get better and better and longer and longer every day.

[shutterpillar]

It does seem unfair. My younger sister has waist length hair (which is my first goal) and I completely envy her for being able to grow it so fast. BUT her hair is fried. It is pretty much the same type as mine, except it falls straight instead of wavy. She washes it daily (which is fine if that is what you need to do), she smokes, she drinks, she doesn't eat healthy, she has bleached and dyed, bleached and dyed, and is constantly using heat and different kinds of damaging products on it. But the difference in this situation and the OP's situation is you can tell on her hair. Still, I envy her growth. But, she is also 20 years old and is in her prime time for hair growth. I am just past that time. And she tells me all the time that she envies my hair, too. She wants the wave that she doesn't have... it makes our somewhat fine hair look fuller.

I think what I am trying to get across is that everyone envies something about everyone else. Hell, I even envy my six year old daughter's hair because it is long and completely virgin hair! I want that! LOL.

But I completely understand being jealous of people who abuse their hair and it still looks nice. My sister is somewhat an example. She abuses it, and you can tell when you look closely (the little broken hairs that were mentioned previously in this thread) but it still looks a ton better than mine most of the time because she actually styles it. lol.

[Hollyfire3]

I think we are actually probably in agreement, it is just a matter of the degree of change that is possible. My mother is a great example I think of someone who does the right things, takes good care of her hair but it has always been and will always be thin and fine. She cannot grow her hair long and have it look the way she wants it to. Now she is able to have the best hair she can have but the reality is that I can dye my hair and use heat on it regularly and it still grows fine, and is very thick and plentiful.

I'm not saying that improvements cannot be made but I think we do people a disservice to suggest that a person with thin, fine hair is suddenly going to have voluminous tresses because the get rid of their hair dryer and gave up hair spray. I just think we need to be realistic in our expectations of our hair, to avoid disappointment and frustration.


This sounds like me in the first paragraph, my hair is thick and full and I dye it granted 4 or so years of constant straightening have ruined the curl and such, but it will grow back curly anf fuller, but it is thick now and will always be, my mom has fine. thin hair that doesnt grow long.

[Seeshami]

She may not be paying for it now but she will pay for it later.

All the walking and running up and down in high school kept me skinny while I wasn't eating exactly perfectly. Well after high school I gained weight not a ton but some that I could never manage to get off because I wasn't running up and down stairs all day 5 days of the week any more.

Now that I work in an environment that I walk back and forth across the office every 5 seconds I've lost the weight and a little bit more then I gained. Not on purpose it just happened. And now I understand the; "Oh you can eat that now but wait until you get older."


When ever I get completely discouraged with the naughty mess he gets the benign neglect treatment. It's so strange my co workers never see my hair down and Muffin says he never sees my hair up.

[herbalpuppy]

Oh, a rant, yay! :)

It does seem unfair to me too, very often.

I'm forever envying people with thick, voluminous hair, who can actually grow it to whatever length they want.

My hair hasn't been cut in 6 years, and is still the same length as 6 years ago, and I don't do anything bad, handle gently, never coloured or straightened. My hair makes me feel like a barren old hag in comparison to all those people with long and thick (ergo healthy and desirable) hair.

[heidi w.]

Ok, this is a little whiney. I just decided towards the end of Feb. to purposely grow my hair out long and healthy, and I have made good strides so far, so I am not bemoaning my hair luck per se. The problems I have with my hair now are due to bad choices of self-bleaching and such and the bad haircuts I ended up with to get rid of damage.

But...to those who put a lot of effort into either trying to grow their hair out or maintaining beautiful long hair...do you ever see the way other people abuse their hair and still have nice hair and feel a bit...discouraged?

What I am talking about is I have never been a blow-dryer...only rarely used flat irons and not for a long time now...don't smoke, rarely have alcohol, drink lots of water, take supplements, only finger-comb or wide-tooth comb to detangle (no brushing while wet)....and I just feel like I am having to really try to grow my hair now...

But I know someone who chain smokes (2 packs per day), drinks nothing but soda (ever), eats horribly, never gets a good night's sleep, takes no supplements, has to take pain pills a lot for back and pelvic problems, blow drys and flat irons her hair every time she washes it, gets it bleached/highlight/dyed dark/bleached again---and her hair grows like a weed and rarely gets split ends...


My main point in all these words is to ask-is our hair health/growth mostly pre-determined and so this effort is mostly wasted? Or are some people just lucky? I'm glad my friend has great fast-growing hair. I just wish my hair was as hardy as hers.

I don't know. Would you rather have a buzz a bit too often or visiting Ralph and barfing up your guts from drinking too much; and would you really like to smell like smoke and slowly be killing yourself while costing society a boatload of buckolas and face having to sit on a lark breathing from an oxygen tank that you have to carry everywhere you go?

See, a lot of people won't lose weight because it's good for their body. But they'll eat better if they're taking care of their hair. There's this kind of thing going on that we'll do it for our hair but not ourselves. In taking care of your hair, you're actually taking care of yourself, and there's only benefits to all this care.

Be happy for what you have. When you are envious or worse jealous of what somebody else has, to get what they have you have to go through everything they've gone through to be where they are. A book's cover doesn't make like. (That's Shakespeare.) There's more going on behind the scenes than you'll likely be privileged to know.

Just focus on your goals and forget the rest. Stop comparing yourself. It only makes you unhappy, and can ruin friendships and relationships in time. There's not a whole lot of good that comes from comparing yourself with others. Just focus on your own glass house, and know you're doing well, and keep it up. Then one day, you'll be the tortoise that wins the race.

I spend very little time being envious. I spent a lot of time in my youth feeling envious. It was a complete waste of my time and energy. NOTHING ... and I mean nothing. .... ever came of it. Ever. Never, ever, ever.

As my Grandma says, Be happy. Everything works out eventually.

Oh, and life is unfair. Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news. Everyone does not get the same thing. Just one of those life things, and there's nothing you can do about it.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

thin hair that doesnt grow long.

This isn't necessarily true. It's often true but I've seen fairly long yet thin hair. It just depends on your genes and hormones.

heidi w.

[Honeyfall]

There is nothing more irritating than being told by someone with the sort of hair you long for that you'll just have to accept what the genetic lottery gave you. It may be true, it may be perfectly reasonable, but it's still galling!

That said, everyone has something to celebrate when it comes to their hair. My best friend has the sort of hair I would kill for: thick, effortless, measurably longer at the end of the week than it was at the beginning. It seems like every time I turn around she's going for another haircut because it's getting too long to handle. But it's coarse; it doesn't shine and doesn't really beg to be touched while my finer hair does. I console myself with this whenever I get jealous (which is often). :eyebrows:

[elbow chic]

Like most other things in life, yes it is unfair. ;) All you can do is be the best that YOU can be, once you decide what it is you want.

similar example: I'll never, ever be thin, (barring... famine or terrible debilitating illness) despite spending the better part of my teens and early 20s doing all manner of semi-desperate things to BE "thin." I mean, I was 130 lbs ten years ago and thought that was "chunky." :rolleyes: :laugh:
(Four kids and fifteen pounds later I take a more forgiving view. lol)

Meanwhile I was seemingly surrounded by willowy people who ate junk, drank like bloated alcoholics, never really worked out... and also never gained a pound. :laugh:

So now I just try to be myself. Exercise makes me feel better, so I do it, in moderation. Eating junk makes me feel worse, so I don't. I've learned a thing or two about how to dress the figure I have instead of trying to starve it into submission so it'll look better in someone else's clothes. Mostly I strive to be a healthy, happy version of myself.

But none of it will ever make me look like that naturally 110-lb girl. ;) And that's truly OK. :)

Same for hair. Some people can do virtually ANYTHING to it and still have great hair. Others (my husband) could do everything the LHC way, and he'd still be about half-bald. Genes, yo. All you can do is play the hand you were dealt!

Also... beauty is not everything. Or even the main thing.

[QMacrocarpa]

[...]I am just wondering if all the extra care I'm taking is actually making a difference or if it is just me wanting to feel like I am doing something.
When people mention all the hard work they put in to grow their hair, I can't really relate from my personal experience. I wear updos or braids, wash and condition weekly-ish, oil my ends when I think of it, detangle gently, and do an occasional self-trim. It takes me very little time. My experience is that, given time and gentle handling, hair grows, with no heroic efforts by me.

[leslissocool]

See, my hair is STRONG! I have 2-3 inches of bleach damaged in my hair. I bleached my hair (with a BOX bleach) 9 times, before it broke. 9! My sister bleached her hair 3 times and it broke. My hair is coarse and strong, her hair is fine.

I think you need to understand that some people do get away with using chemicals and heat products. But if your hair is fine and relatively fragile, if you DO want long hair, it something you gotta give up.

As for my hair, you bet I payed for my hair damage. I had to put so much product to make it look nice, in the end I just chopped it off. It looked fake, it looked terrible. Now that I nursed my hair back to health, being heat free and abuse free is a blessing. And I put effort in my hair, it's always braided and conditioned.

[carolinaberry]

I don't know. Would you rather have a buzz a bit too often or visiting Ralph and barfing up your guts from drinking too much; and would you really like to smell like smoke and slowly be killing yourself while costing society a boatload of buckolas and face having to sit on a lark breathing from an oxygen tank that you have to carry everywhere you go?

See, a lot of people won't lose weight because it's good for their body. But they'll eat better if they're taking care of their hair. There's this kind of thing going on that we'll do it for our hair but not ourselves. In taking care of your hair, you're actually taking care of yourself, and there's only benefits to all this care.

Be happy for what you have. When you are envious or worse jealous of what somebody else has, to get what they have you have to go through everything they've gone through to be where they are. A book's cover doesn't make like. (That's Shakespeare.) There's more going on behind the scenes than you'll likely be privileged to know.

Just focus on your goals and forget the rest. Stop comparing yourself. It only makes you unhappy, and can ruin friendships and relationships in time. There's not a whole lot of good that comes from comparing yourself with others. Just focus on your own glass house, and know you're doing well, and keep it up. Then one day, you'll be the tortoise that wins the race.

I spend very little time being envious. I spent a lot of time in my youth feeling envious. It was a complete waste of my time and energy. NOTHING ... and I mean nothing. .... ever came of it. Ever. Never, ever, ever.

As my Grandma says, Be happy. Everything works out eventually.

Oh, and life is unfair. Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news. Everyone does not get the same thing. Just one of those life things, and there's nothing you can do about it.

heidi w.

Thank you, everyone for your input. I don't know how to quote a line from several messages and respond, so I chose this one because it was the most recent similar one.

I think I must have a problem with getting across what I am actually trying to say. :confused: Instead I have come across like I am brooding or unhappy or envious.

I am not "envious" of her. I don't sit around and admire or think about her hair. But, she and I spend a lot of time together, so I know her habits and she knows mine. *She* jokes to *me* all of the time about how I waste time on my hair or how I never flat iron it so it will be perfectly glassy and straight and how I always walk around with damp hair after a shower because I don't blow dry. She jokes about how I will give myself cancer b/c I take supplements. Those things she jokes about are things I have done for years...I just never got into blow drying or flat ironing (not b/c I knew they caused damage, because so long ago I didn't' know that-they just didn't seem necessary or desirable to me). The only thing I've changed since trying to grow my hair out is changed the supplements I was taking from general to good-for-the-hair (but I have had painful joints for 10 years and the supplements for hair generally also say for joints too!).

So, I AM a happy person. I just had one of those "I wonder..." or "Hey guys, don't you think it's weird when..." moments last night because I DO want my hair to grow, so now I am putting more effort into it and she does not want her hair to grow-but it does grow very fast. My mom's hair also grows fast, but I didn't mention her b/c while she does smoke, she doesn't do anything to "abuse" her hair and she takes a multivitamin for older women.

I agree everyone should embrace their own hair type and learn to care for it. That is part of why I am on here-to get tips for how to best care for MY hair (and my daughters' hair, who have hair types different from me and from each other). I don't waste time being unhappy with my natural hair type-I see beauty in the whole spectrum of natural hair-but I admit I am disappointed in myself for the bleach choice. I thought I had to bleach it to do the Vampire Red Manic Panic (which wouldn't have damaged it alone). Being on here, I have learned that once my hair is back to being healthy, I can use the Manic Panic without bleach. That alone was a valuable lesson.

[Xi]

Hair I guess is just a product of nature and nurture, like most things. :) On the one hand, we're stuck with whatever genetics we've been dealt. On the other hand, within the limits imposed by our genes, we have some scope to make things better or worse. I think it's wise to have realistic expectations -- otherwise you'll waste a lot of time, energy, and money trying to achieve the impossible, and when it doesn't happen, you'll blame yourself. My hair is thin -- always has been, always will be. I haven't done anything "bad" to make that happen -- it's genetics. I'm not going to desperately seek out expensive and potentially harmful miracle cures. Instead, as others have suggested on this thread, I focus on the good, maximize what advantages I have, avoid comparisons, and do my best to ignore the less-than-satisfactory aspects of my hair. :meditate:Spending time on the LHC can be very therapeutic -- people here are good at seeing the beauties of every head of hair.;)

[lapushka]

Be happy for what you have. When you are envious or worse jealous of what somebody else has, to get what they have you have to go through everything they've gone through to be where they are. A book's cover doesn't make like. (That's Shakespeare.) There's more going on behind the scenes than you'll likely be privileged to know.

Just wanted to say: well said! :)

[Silverbrumby]

I sounded snarky, but I really am just wondering how much of the effort I am putting in my hair is making a difference. I described what my friend does to her hair as a counter-example. We joke about it all the time. She is frustrated with her bad skin and I very rarely get a small pimple, so I have my good points too. I am just wondering if all the extra care I'm taking is actually making a difference or if it is just me wanting to feel like I am doing something.

My best friend has hip length hair, beautiful, silky and she does nothing to it. Standard shampoo and conditioner. I have to work like a dog to get half way decent hair. BUT I have a great butt and she has to work like a dog to get hers looking good. What you lose on the swings you make up for on the roundabouts.

[Hollyfire3]

This isn't necessarily true. It's often true but I've seen fairly long yet thin hair. It just depends on your genes and hormones.

heidi w.

I guess all of that blow drying my mom does doesn't help, but she's being more careful now and its about SL!:D
I just feel bad because I got the thick, heavy hair that I can grow very long, but she is the oposite

[Hollyfire3]

There is nothing more irritating than being told by someone with the sort of hair you long for that you'll just have to accept what the genetic lottery gave you. It may be true, it may be perfectly reasonable, but it's still galling!

That said, everyone has something to celebrate when it comes to their hair. My best friend has the sort of hair I would kill for: thick, effortless, measurably longer at the end of the week than it was at the beginning. It seems like every time I turn around she's going for another haircut because it's getting too long to handle. But it's coarse; it does shine and doesn't really beg to be touched while my finer hair does. I console myself with this whenever I get jealous (which is often). :eyebrows:

I agree with this first part. But like I said, look again, sometimes, what others have isn't as great or thick or long or plentiful, our minds trick us into being jealous then make it worse by convincing us to believe they (the person we are jealous of) will always be better, it is not true.

[Beckstar]

I sounded snarky, but I really am just wondering how much of the effort I am putting in my hair is making a difference. I described what my friend does to her hair as a counter-example. We joke about it all the time. e eShe is frustrated with her bad skin and I very rarely get a small pimple, so I have my good points too. I am just wondering if all the extra care I'm taking is actually making a difference or if it is just me wanting to feel like I am doing something.

I know it's hard but try not to compare your hair to someone elses. Someone is probably looking at your hair and wishing they had gorgeous hair like yours. Sometimes it's genetics or lifestyle or really good products that mask damage. What does her hair look like just shampooed and no other product? Not saying she can't have good hair even with all that damaging stuff but the after hair always looks healthier than the beginning hair.

[Mrs.Witherup]

But I know someone who chain smokes (2 packs per day), drinks nothing but soda (ever), eats horribly, never gets a good night's sleep, takes no supplements,



Lol I thought maybe you knew me carolinaberry, until you got to the pain pill part!
This is probably an accurate description of my daily habits, as much I hate to admit it...

ETA: Another thing that I forgot to mention is when you're first starting out on the hair journey it's like everyone has super fast growing hair and they don't do a thing to it, and here you are, being carefu, taking supplements etc, or that's how it was for me anyways! And it was horrible! But then I got married, had kids, and I just washed/detangled as I could, I got busy with life and all of a sudden now I'm classic length! Sometimes if you cn get your mind off of it, wear it up all summer, etc, it will help! =)

[jacqueline101]

Its unfair we all dream of things that never come true. I've always wanted black hair but I have blondette and I've learned to accept it. I've always wanted my hair to grow fast but it doesn't seem to.

[panffle]

I would like to use myself as an example of this.
On my early teens, going through puberty, I had very oily hair that was washed pretty much everyday - the max I could stretch washes was 2 days, would rarely use conditioner, brush wet hair... Just wouldn't care much about my hair, though not use much heat. My hair grew to almost hip once and I didn't have lots of split ends, as would be expected after going very long without a trim and with bad hair habits...
Also I would have the worst eating habits, and wouldn't drink much water... Not much sleep either... Still, I always felt like my hair would grow really fast - and sometimes a lot faster than I wished! I remember having my hair grow about four inches in two months... I couldn't believe it myself.
Now that hormones are calming down and I've done plenty of damage to my hair, it is very dry... I wash it twice a week, and take very good care of it. And now that I *want* it to grow long, it feels like it won't, even though I have very healthy eating habits, exercise regularly, sleep well, and drink plenty of water.

So just like others said, you shouldn't compare your hair to others... It is yours, and goes through lots of change... Your body goes through changes. I would say, try not thinking about it... When you least expect, it will be longer. Plus, don't feel discouraged, since you take good care of it, by the time you reach your goal it will most likely be very healthy!

[holothuroidea]

My mom abuses her hair. She washes twice daily, uses a blow dryer on hot, loads of harsh hair spray and hot curlers every blessed day. She highlights it and has dyed it occasionally.

Her hair, IMO, doesn't look that great when it's styled but that's just personal preference. It ends up looking like feathered 70's hair, lol! But I've seen her hair when it's just air dried without product and she has soft and shiny and beautiful sausage curls with no split ends.

I'm mad about it because she is my mom and why didn't I get those genes!?

Her hair is really thick, but it is fine. Not as fine as mine, but it's definitely not coarse. Her hair stops growing at BSL (she generally keeps it there and doesn't get trims so it really doesn't grow past that), but I really think it's the abuse that's stopping her hair from growing longer. Since her hair is finer I bet it just gets to BSL and breaks off instead of splitting.

[constancev18]

Not exactly the same but I met a woman today with beautiful wl hair & a great hemline. When I complimented her she thanked me but said she's been wanting a pixie cut but hasn't had the money to keep it styled so, regrettably, it was still wl. I thought to myself heavens, the grass is always greener.

[savannahlove]

To be honest, I was kind of one of those that didn't pay too much attention to my hair but it still stayed pretty healthy. However, that came back to bite me and now I have lots of damage that I'm trying to fix, if that's any consolation! :p

[racrane]

First of all, pepole who abuse their hair that looks good have superhero hair or have great products to hide it. Unfair? It's a fact of life. I know a girl who has hair that always looks great but it's actually really damaged. She admires my hair, and I think "really?". That's the way life is.

Second of all, it does feel like forever to grow your hair. But my hair *grew* the fastest when I truly put it up all the time and really forgot about it.

[carolinaberry]

First of all, pepole who abuse their hair that looks good have superhero hair or have great products to hide it. Unfair? It's a fact of life. I know a girl who has hair that always looks great but it's actually really damaged. She admires my hair, and I think "really?". That's the way life is.

Second of all, it does feel like forever to grow your hair. But my hair *grew* the fastest when I truly put it up all the time and really forgot about it.

Well, right now I have these really messed up "layers"...some are chunks chopped out and some were razored in, so from earlobe to chin are layers then a mullety length layer in the back. I know that as soon as the shorty layers are long enough that I can put my hair up all the time, I will be perfectly fine with the growth process. It is just this horrible liminal phase that is making me so obsessive. The last time my hair got long, I went from a cheekbone-length bob sort of thing (which was pretty cute but wouldn't lay right b/c the slight wave I didn't realize I had) and the time from that length to where I could keep it pulled back in a jaw clip (butterfly clip?) all the time took about 2 years. But once I could pull it back, I did and ignored it and it got long in like another year or so without me even noticing until it was there.

[thirstylocks]

I am a former hair bleacher and heat damager!! I can tell you with 100% confidence that every time I bleached my hair at the salon and then attacked it with the flat iron, it looked fabulous. It looked shiny and had a beautiful, rich color.

I swear to you 2 weeks after every bleach session, when I was home alone with freshly washed/air dried hair, all I wanted to do was cry. I would NEVER leave the house without putting heat to my hair because it looked atrocious even though it was up to my waist.

I have shoulder length hair now and I stopped bleaching/using heat. I never even need to use heat. Even though its short, it is so much smoother when I air dry it and my OWN hair color looks great. You never really know how people's hair looks like without all the fancy hair dyes and blow drying.

[caadam]

I think two factors come in when it comes to the appearance of hair:

1. Genetics
2. Products, or lack thereof.

These things, I think, really determine how a person's hair looks and how it grows. For me, when I was a little girl, my hair was wavy, fine, and GOLDEN. Like, people would say it was like spun gold. lol But once I hit about eight years old, it turned between M/C, and started turning brunette with a bit of a rust red shine. However, my hair is overall thick.

Sadly, I wish my hair was softer. Because it's M/C or so, it doesn't feel very soft TO ME, at least. I take good care of it, though; I wash it every other day with miracle water now, sometimes do ACV rinses for my scalp, and use MO. I comb it when it's damp and brush it with my BBB every day. It's well taken care of.

At the same time, there's this girl in my class who has bleached hair that's almost platinum and it's been straightened to death... and yet her hair is like pure SILK and glitters in the sun! I'm like, "WHY?!?!" lol But really, you have to consider what she does to it in order to get it in that condition! Either that or her hair is just that nice either way. I don't know.

However, I have to be thankful with what I got, because I know lots of ladies who would "die" to have my hair. Some ladies who want thick, dark, wavy hair, you know? The same ladies whose hair I probably wouldn't mind having. lol So gotta be thankful, I say. Work with what you have, do the best you can, and don't let yourself become too envious of someone else that you forget to love what beauty you were born with. ;)

[gogirlanime]

I guess you need to look at it a little differently in that you are wanting to make your hair the best it can be.

Very well said, like anything in life you can only, "do your best" and it is true, some of us are born with the genes for, "better hair" some are just born with strong and thick hair. I have come to the realization that I have fine (as in thin strands) of hair that break easily. For a long time I was really discouraged when I saw what you see, super damaged and mistreated hair that still grows like a weed. Now I embrace my hair and look at it as a challenge, if I can get my hair to waist someday I will literally cry because I achieved something fairly hard to do for the fine haired.

Someday with patience and care your hair will be more beautiful than those "born with it" that mistreat their hair and even though it's not your goal, you'll become the envy of them. Those who are just handed things in life abuse it and then lose it. Sort of like girls who are naturally really skinny, (many, I'm not saying all) eat terrible, but it catches up with them and then they have to re-teach themselves decades of bad eating habits where as if you are born heavier you taught yourself early how to fix that, in the long run you have the upper hand. If you have to work for it, it will be better eventually than those who didn't have to.

[carolinaberry]

Very well said, like anything in life you can only, "do your best" and it is true, some of us are born with the genes for, "better hair" some are just born with strong and thick hair. I have come to the realization that I have fine (as in thin strands) of hair that break easily. For a long time I was really discouraged when I saw what you see, super damaged and mistreated hair that still grows like a weed. Now I embrace my hair and look at it as a challenge, if I can get my hair to waist someday I will literally cry because I achieved something fairly hard to do for the fine haired.

Someday with patience and care your hair will be more beautiful than those "born with it" that mistreat their hair and even though it's not your goal, you'll become the envy of them. Those who are just handed things in life abuse it and then lose it. Sort of like girls who are naturally really skinny, (many, I'm not saying all) eat terrible, but it catches up with them and then they have to re-teach themselves decades of bad eating habits where as if you are born heavier you taught yourself early how to fix that, in the long run you have the upper hand. If you have to work for it, it will be better eventually than those who didn't have to.

Everything you said was....well said. I'm sure we all have things we don't have to work at, and so don't seem like a huge deal to us. For me, not to harp on it, it is my skin. I remember in middle school, my best friend struggled with adolescent skin problems. She tried every kind of face wash, etc. She asked me one day, in the voice of the very frustrated, "How do you keep your skin so clear?" I was confused and said, "I wash it." I wasn't being a smart-aleck, I just didn't understand at that point that some people really worked at their skin. So, while I wait for my hair to get to a length I can put up and forget for a time and continue to do my 150 squats per day to have some shape to my rear-end, I will thank the universe that my skin routine doesn't take so much effort (wash and moisturize).

[torrilin]

Her hair is really thick, but it is fine. Not as fine as mine, but it's definitely not coarse. Her hair stops growing at BSL (she generally keeps it there and doesn't get trims so it really doesn't grow past that), but I really think it's the abuse that's stopping her hair from growing longer. Since her hair is finer I bet it just gets to BSL and breaks off instead of splitting.

Probably. Just touching my hair can result in splits. Breaking up my natural waves? Splits. Detangling roughly? Splits. And where there's a split, there's breaking hair not at all far behind.

So for my hair I emphasize the most minimal handling I can get.

The more conditioner soaked my hair is, the less fragile it is, so lots of moisture doesn't hurt.

This is a really common pattern for fine hair, often in combination with an oily scalp. IME, we tend to maximize the oiliness since culturally that's seen as dirty. I notice in other hair types the clumping and somewhat stiffer texture that fineys get with oil are not considered filth but instead a desirable thing for styling.

[Vallena]

It definitely would be frustrating, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. It comes down to genetics for hair growth speed and you can't really change that so much. The best you can do is take excellent care of your hair and not worry about others.