I wish she'd stop commenting!

[Bagginslover]

My mum is lovely, love her to bits, but she will keep making discouraging comments about my hair!

The first thing she said when I told her I was growing it was 'oh, it'll never get that long, not many people can grow their hair, yours was never long as a child'. It was never long because she had it cut so regularly, and she loves to tell me how hot she used to get with waist length braids as a child!

She keeps telling me that if I want it to grow, I need to get it cut more regularly....um, no mother, that would cut off all my progress! 'oh but Caroline will only cut what you ask her to' (Caroline is mums home-hairdresser, who in fairness, is very good and will cut exactly what you ask for) but its no good having a trim every 6 weeks when I'm only growing an inch in every 8 weeks!

My hair isn't in bad condition, it's very soft, newly henna-d, has a few splits, but I'm going to SnD them next sunny day we get, and it IS growing. I cut off nearly 6 inches in December, yet she still tries to tell me it's not likely to grow longer than it is now. She believes all the 'hair myths' it seems, and nothing I tell her makes any difference.

Do you have people who try to put you off like this?

[Amanah]

Give your Mom a hug and just quietly and humbly prove her wrong.

It could be worse, you could live in the US where everyone on the TV looks like a movie star, even the news reporters. they all have perfect looking hair, probably with extensions, and they are all (for the most part) just barely a healthy weight.

I just know that my husband would love it if I had TV news reporter/movie star hair, but instead I'm letting it go salt and pepper, not styling it, and concentrating on hair health instead of movie star hair.

I don't even ask him what he thinks of my hair anymore, he'll say something vague like, "it's coming along," . . .

[PixieKitten]

I was once shopping with a friend and she pointed out someone that had nearly exactly my hair type, at hip length which is nearly how long I want mine, scrunched up her face and said 'Ugh, look at that hair? Don't you just think hair that long belongs in fantasy movies, not in real life?'

I quietly told her I was planning to grow my hair that long. She went dead quiet as I stopped the woman she had pointed out and told her that I loved her hair, then once the woman had gone she was tripping over her words trying to tell me that it would look amazing on me.

Sometimes people like that don't realise comments like that are hurtful, you just need to tell them very bluntly to keep their opinions to themselves. My friend hasn't said a word about anyone's hair since, at least not while she's with me!

[caiti42]

I would just go "uh-ah" and ignore then and keep doing what your doing :)

[Lucky_Lucy]

My mother sometimes says things about my hair that are just so discouraging. Like I am so enthusiastic about my hair finally being 18 inches and my mother just looks at me as if I said something stupid. And whenever I tell her that I want to have really long hair she acts as if I'm going to get bored with the idea:(
I also have this purplish-pink streak in my hair so I asked my dad if he had noticed any kind of change in my hair. And he said "Oh yeah, it's shorter! Last time I saw you it was longer, did you cut it?". This was really mortifying since it's really grown a lot:( But I guess he was just trying to be nice...
Oh and I have a similar story with my best friend. We were at a shopping center and there was this girl with really long hair and I was looking at her from afar, thinking how great it would be if my hair was like that. And all of a sudden my best friend says "Yuck, see that girl, her hair is so horrible, I mean I don't know anyone whose hair looks good at that length..oh but only that girl in your class! Her hair is really nice!" And I was like "But I want hair like that too." And she kept saying that it wouldn't look good on me, but I think long hair would look good on anyone!

[auburntressed]

My roommate's got hip-length hair right now. It is a little shorter than mine, but not by a lot. The major difference is that she constantly heat styles it to the point that it's pretty dry and damaged. Also, she's got layers.

So the other day I was brushing out my hair, and she was talking about wanting to get her hair trimmed. I commented that I'd like to grow my hair out to about ten inches longer than it is right now, then keep it trimmed until the hemline thickens out.

She got this absolutely disgusted look on her face and says, "That's gross, no one needs hair that long!"

I was thinking to myself, "Umm... wow, really? This from a girl with hip length hair?"

[jacqueline101]

I'd ignore the negative and grow my hair as long as I wanted it. Its your hair you're the one who has to be happy.

[cheetahfast]

A girl in one of my classes told me myths about hair growing.
I think she was trying to help since I wore it down and she was shocked it was "long."

Plus when she asked why I always wear it up I said since I'm growing it out.

I usually don't tell people about growing my hair. Well my college friends know, but we're funny since one was tailbone when I met her and then chopped it off into a bob. Now she's probably back to BSL and growing hers out again. The other also had a bob, but by now I think she is at least hip, I asked if she was going to cut it she said no. Last year I had a bob and now I'm growing mine out. They mainly just avoid heat and hair dyes, so they're not LHC crazy lol. Still saying I will grow mine really long, isn't weird to them and they didn't offer suggestions besides don't go to the hairdresser unless you really need it.

Just ignore the negative :).

[MonaMayfair]

You just have to try to zone her out when she starts with the comments. She probably think she's giving constructive and helpful advice.

When your hair's much longer and looking good, you can say "I told you so!"

[blondie9912]

Mums always say that! Mine has more of a casual attitude towards my aspiring hair growth, but she never forgets to tell me that she doesn't like hair "that long" (I'm planning on growing to waist). I don't shoot down my mum's opinion, because well, she's my mother, so she won't get the same response as an acquaintance that insults long hair. I would probably say something like "I don't style my hair all that much, so there's no need to trim it every 6 weeks. I'm going to keep growing it, but if it gets to be very long and it doesn't suit me, I'll go to get it cut"

[A. Correira]

I just started growing my hair out after going through a streak of cutting it. My mom likes to tell me how beautiful my hair ONCE was. She says that my hair is growing, but it's not that long now and it is going to take a long time for it to grow back. She makes me upset because she makes me feel like all of the progress that I have now mean nothing until it is a length that SHE likes. She and my dad hate short hair on women and when I was little I was forced to have long hair. She compares me to that time when my hair was TB length. She actually told me that women with hair cut above their shoulders no longer looks like a woman. It really hurt because I had my hair at an A-line Bob. I couldn't help but ask if I looked like a boy then... She is very hurtful.

[Xandergrammy]

My mother passed away in 2003, but she loved my long hair, especially when it was in a braid or a half up. I feel very fortunate that she was so supportive

[Bagginslover]

I'm glad it's not only me (glad is the wrong word, I'm not glad any of you are made to feel and about wanting your dream hair :( )

I do tell my mum to shut up-we have a very good relationship, and I can say that, and worse without upsetting her, I just wish she'd listen to the info I've gotten from here that I tell her, mum knows best is definitely true in her mind!

I will prove her wrong, and I know she will be pleased for me when I do, I just wish she'd support me along the way too.

[ouseljay]

My mother and I have a rule: She doesn't comment about my hair, and I don't grouch at her for saying negative things about my hair. She breaks it from time to time, and when she does I do my darndest to either completely ignore the comment or change the subject. The rule applies even to nice comments, because there is always, always a "but."

I think we got to this point by me asking her politely not to comment on my hair every time she did, and then not engaging in further discussion about it. She got the hint (after a few years), but now she sometimes tries to bring it up sideways by mentioning "things we can't talk about." :doh:

[rock007junkie]

My mom is the same way. I just avoid the topic of hair with her because I know her comments annoy me. Now I just let her talk and tune her out and don't comment whenever she's telling me that I should go to the salon to blowfry my hair or asking me why i spend so much money on hair products.

[GuardGirl]

After the few times in my life that I've cut my hair short, when I've grown it back out my DAD is the one who would start making comments like "Oh Haley, you look like yourself again with long hair. Please dont cut it anymore!" He's one of those dads... He's awesome, but as the dad to three girls, my sisters and I always had super-long hair growing up and in adulthood, both of my sisters have waist+ length hair, and I'm the 'serial trimmer' so to speak. But in my own defense... both of my sisters are natural blondes and I have bleached/highlighted my dareker hair to death trying to regain the blonde of my childhood. Needless to say, my hair is in much worse condition than theirs from the chemicals, and I've had to chop lots of straggly bits.
I think parents always see us as being their little children, and some have a very hard time accepting the fact that we have grown up and harbor different 'ideals' for ourselves than they do. But love your mom in spite of the comments, she won't always be around to make them. And in the grande scheme of things, are they really that big a deal? Good luck on your growing journey! :)

[GuardGirl]

After the few times in my life that I've cut my hair short, when I've grown it back out my DAD is the one who would start making comments like "Oh Haley, you look like yourself again with long hair. Please dont cut it anymore!" He's one of those dads... He's awesome, but as the dad to three girls, my sisters and I always had super-long hair growing up and in adulthood, both of my sisters have waist+ length hair, and I'm the 'serial trimmer' so to speak. But in my own defense... both of my sisters are natural blondes and I have bleached/highlighted my dareker hair to death trying to regain the blonde of my childhood. Needless to say, my hair is in much worse condition than theirs from the chemicals, and I've had to chop lots of straggly bits.
I think parents always see us as being their little children, and some have a very hard time accepting the fact that we have grown up and harbor different 'ideals' for ourselves than they do. But love your mom in spite of the comments, she won't always be around to make them. And in the grande scheme of things, are they really that big a deal? Good luck on your growing journey! :)

[barely.there]

my mom is the one who fried her hair from multiple perms and then cut it uber short because she had no patience to grow hers out. when i was a teen i was only APL but still had longer hair than she ever did. so i am lucky cause she knows i could grow it out if i wanted too. at the same time though, im still trying to "beat the genes" with my hair, cause everyone in my family has super thin hair that can look damaged very easily. everyone else in my family has short hair.

[Bagginslover]

Oh I do love her, and I don't find her comments hurtful, more frustrating really, partly that she's not supporting me, and partly because she won't listen to the wonderful knowledge of the LHC ;)

I do cherish her, and you are right, in the scheme of things, it is a tiny thing.

Your dad sounds great!

[Sillage]

Tell her

http://i.imgur.com/wZFPu.gif

[barely.there]

oh, and when i had short hair, lots of people told me i looked like a boy, and even my dad said i looked like a butch lesbian. true story. you just gotta wipe of your feet and keep moving.

[heidi w.]

My mum is lovely, love her to bits, but she will keep making discouraging comments about my hair!

The first thing she said when I told her I was growing it was 'oh, it'll never get that long, not many people can grow their hair, yours was never long as a child'. It was never long because she had it cut so regularly, and she loves to tell me how hot she used to get with waist length braids as a child!

She keeps telling me that if I want it to grow, I need to get it cut more regularly....um, no mother, that would cut off all my progress! 'oh but Caroline will only cut what you ask her to' (Caroline is mums home-hairdresser, who in fairness, is very good and will cut exactly what you ask for) but its no good having a trim every 6 weeks when I'm only growing an inch in every 8 weeks!

My hair isn't in bad condition, it's very soft, newly henna-d, has a few splits, but I'm going to SnD them next sunny day we get, and it IS growing. I cut off nearly 6 inches in December, yet she still tries to tell me it's not likely to grow longer than it is now. She believes all the 'hair myths' it seems, and nothing I tell her makes any difference.

Do you have people who try to put you off like this?

Here is your first experience in life, it seems, with a disagreement with someone you love very much. The easiest way to solve this is to know what she's available for disussing and what you can't discuss with her. It's not as though she is in charge of your hair anymore. So, all you can do is carry on and do your level best to not make your hair her problem in real life, and to cease discussing the topic with her. She has a different viewpoint and experience. She isn't you and you aren't her. You're two different people. Easiest to just accept the situation, continue to love her and try hard to not make it a topic of conversation.

IF you live in her house, this might be harder than you think. You have to clean shed hair up after yourself as much as is possible, such as after detangling or after washing your hair. You have to look after the bathroom drain. I clean my bathroom drain around once a month and almost always end up removing a blobl of hair. After every hair wash, I have hair strands to remove and toss in the garbage, as well as on the floor it has to be caught up and tossed. Sometimes it gets a bit icky to see the garbage, even if a little bit full, and hair strands hang outside the garbage. So I'd advocate removing the garbage on a regular basis.

I'd take care where you fuss with your hair and detangle it. I wouldn't do so other than your bedroom or bathroom, and always clean up after yourself so it doesn't get caught up by her shoes or feet, and she's carrying hair around the house underfoot.

I'd always put my hair up before going down to breakfast. I just would aim to make it as much of a non-issue as is possible.

I'd remove hairs off of towels, or wash them myself. That kind of thing.

And then just love her and carry on. There's no need for an actual confrontation. IF it comes to a point you can indicate to her that you had intended on not discussing it with her so she won't become upset. Then after that the ball is in her court to accept your choice in kind. You might be able to indicate to her that you accept her disagreement with you, and perhaps respect it, even if you don't understand (but I'd leave the not understanding part out of it cause this comment invites argument). And then carry on.

If you don't live with her, then it's a whole lot easier to carry on. I wouldn't aim to change her mind. Her mind will be more likely to change if she observes your calm behavior. This may take a while for her to come round OR it's wholly possible that it will never occur. It's just one of those life things we all eventually experience, that someone we love disagrees with us. There is no requirement that they agree with us. Just a few weeks ago my Grandmother called suggesting I cut my hair eventually for acquiring a new job in a few years. I informed her that for now, my hair length is the best style for my financial circumstances. I don't plan on cutting it, but if it comes down to it, I would seriously consider it if it was a job or food on my table. But I don't think it'll come to that. We'll see how it goes. But for now, my hair is safe; and I can take care of it without help. So it isn't bugging anyone else so far.

I wish you all the best,
heidi w.

[heidi w.]

I was once shopping with a friend and she pointed out someone that had nearly exactly my hair type, at hip length which is nearly how long I want mine, scrunched up her face and said 'Ugh, look at that hair? Don't you just think hair that long belongs in fantasy movies, not in real life?'

I quietly told her I was planning to grow my hair that long. She went dead quiet as I stopped the woman she had pointed out and told her that I loved her hair, then once the woman had gone she was tripping over her words trying to tell me that it would look amazing on me.

Sometimes people like that don't realise comments like that are hurtful, you just need to tell them very bluntly to keep their opinions to themselves. My friend hasn't said a word about anyone's hair since, at least not while she's with me!

That's a nice friend to not comment further. Most would comment further, though. That's been my experience. She clued in and respected your idea, and is accepting of your "differentness". That's a good friend.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

My roommate's got hip-length hair right now. It is a little shorter than mine, but not by a lot. The major difference is that she constantly heat styles it to the point that it's pretty dry and damaged. Also, she's got layers.

So the other day I was brushing out my hair, and she was talking about wanting to get her hair trimmed. I commented that I'd like to grow my hair out to about ten inches longer than it is right now, then keep it trimmed until the hemline thickens out.

She got this absolutely disgusted look on her face and says, "That's gross, no one needs hair that long!"

I was thinking to myself, "Umm... wow, really? This from a girl with hip length hair?"

Hair is not a need for most people. It's a want.
heidi w.

[heidi w.]

I'm glad it's not only me (glad is the wrong word, I'm not glad any of you are made to feel and about wanting your dream hair :( )

I do tell my mum to shut up-we have a very good relationship, and I can say that, and worse without upsetting her, I just wish she'd listen to the info I've gotten from here that I tell her, mum knows best is definitely true in her mind!

I will prove her wrong, and I know she will be pleased for me when I do, I just wish she'd support me along the way too.

Your mother isn't interested in learning. Only you are.

ETA: And honestly, I would never tell anyone I respected to "shut up." I know it's fashionable to say these kind of things to people, even in jest or some form of humor that I don't get really. I think saying that to anyone is almost always highly rude. But that's me. If I spoke that way to my mother as a kid, I would literally get my mouth washed out with soap. It's just a bad habit to talk like that. A mother isn't a mate on the playground. It's your mother. My Opinion Only = MOO. I am from a different generation. Besides, it isn't working very well, is it? She's still saying stuff. Better to actually address the problem another way. END ETA

heidi w.

[alyanna]

Moms have a tendency to make nosey remarks.
Smile and nod and ignore them.

I usually do not involve people in my grooming or appearance, except my husband, because I believe a spouse would appreciate some tweaks and maintenance of the physical appearance for their sake. Just like I appreciate that he keeps a healthy physique for me and a clean shave which I prefer on him to a stubble.

Otherwise, if I want an opinion, I ask for it. Unsolicited remarks are ignored, sometimes rudely, sometimes nicely, depending on the remark and my mood.

[Darkessa]

My Mother isn't that bad... I am so sorry yours continues to do this to you.
Just wait, when your hair is TBL she will eat her words. :)

My Mother comments on the fact that my hair color is too cold and dark, then she will tell me that the length in combination with the color drags me down...
I apparently have an Elvira thing going on..... And she despises it.
She has blonde APL hair. I'm pretty sure she just wants me to be bright and blonde and sunny like her...

[ravenheather]

I haven't said much to my family about growing my hair out. I already know they won't be supportive. They all have short hair. We just moved and the property manager had nice classic length hair. I commented on it later that I liked it. My mom said it was freakish and awful. So I just said I wanted freak show hair too. She said I wouldn't be able to grow hair that long. This is based on the fact that my hair didn't get too long in like 3rd and 4th grade. After that my hair was cut regularly and permed. I just said I hoped I'd at least get to waist. She just said good luck with that. But I don't expect her to be supportive. She doesn't like long hair on herself or on others. I do hope to get long enough to make her admit she was wrong.

[Mayflower]

I'm lucky to have a mother who has waist lenght hair herself. She just washes and blow-dries once every 5 days though, so we don't really talk about haircare.
But, all of my family absoluty loathes my haircolour and wants to see me back to being natural. So I have to deal with a lot of comments about me looking "gothic" or looking like a tart. But I can just brush those remarks off -what can you do?

My grandmother who lives next to us is really happy about me growing out my hair! She always wants me to wear it down. However, I like to wear a braid or ponytail from time to time and she can't stand ANY whispies or faceframing hairs coming out of my updo's. :p I then supposedly look like a tart again.

[Renate]

I would stop listening to her and just say "yes mom". I would also stop talking about my hair around her. If she reacts that way, why bother? LHC is here for that :D

[punkcatknitter]

My mom's actually been the one who's gotten a few negative comments. She decided to let her hair go naturally gray after coloring it blonde for many MANY years, and has been growing it out. It's currently BSL length and incredibly thick and healthy, but she's had a few family members make snotty comments like "What's with the hair?".

Lucky_Lucy, don't let your dad's comment get you down. Dad's are totally clueless. I've been dying my hair red with Henna for over two years and about two months ago my dad asked me if I'd dyed my hair red. And we live in the same house. lol.

[Melanie Marie]

You could always talk to your mother and politely tell her that you don't like it when she says discouraging things, especially when she knows how passionate you are about your hair. If that doesn't work, however, all you can do is just ignore her and prover her wrong.

In one sense, it's quite simple, but at the same time it's not. Just learn to deal with it, and in no time you will see just how long and beautiful your hair is! :)

[Honeyfall]

Do you think there is any element of jealousy there? Your hair is already very lovely, and will only get more so as it gets longer, could she feel threatened by that in some way? I've noticed that the people who try hardest to dissuade me from growing my hair out are the least comfortable with their own.

[Bagginslover]

I rarely bring it up any more, she usually comments first ;) she does notice, and compliment my stick and updo's though, so it's not all bad.

Heidi, you always have such wonderful advice! :) I don't live with her anymore, but we see each other several times a week. I am going to try to keep my hair up around her for a while, out of sight, out of mind ;) I know what you are saying about respect, but honestly, we do have a very good relationship, and it's the way we say things, more than the actual words that get the message across. That's how it is with me and my mum anyway, everyone's relationships are different, she would never have said that to her mum for example ;)
It's definitely not my first disagreement with someone I love though, but it's the first one my mum has kept on about. I have tattoos, which she knew I was getting before hand, she wasn't bothered. I've done things she really disapproved of, she told me, and then left it alone. But something as simple as growing hair she keeps on about..... Do you think she could be trying to prepare me for it not growing as I hope? She really does beleive those myths, could she think she is being kind?

[whitebengal]

I was with my friend a couple weeks ago and out of the blue she practically told me to cut my hair to shoulder length! Its to my knees and i want to keep growing it! She actually got mad at me when i said "No way am I cutting my hair!" she tells me i will look "cute" with short hair. I like it when random people come up to me and tell me I have gorgeous hair. I'm not going for "cute". I love her alot,dont get me wrong, but sometimes...

[PrairieRose]

Do you think there is any element of jealousy there? Your hair is already very lovely, and will only get more so as it gets longer, could she feel threatened by that in some way? I've noticed that the people who try hardest to dissuade me from growing my hair out are the least comfortable with their own.
So true! :)

[embee]

Heidi is right, hair isn't a need, it's a want. To be brutally honest, nobody *needs* hair.

People who think long hair is gross hardly ever get to comment on mine, as mine is always up.

There are some who, over time, have become interested in my few hairtoys. What a funny thing that is!

I make a point of saying nice things to women with decent looking long hair, I figure they're on the receiving end of put-downs like so many folks here at LHC.

[lolot]

she sounds like kind of jealous to me, i know is your mother but they are human beings also, so take it as a complement

[styric]

Heidi is right, hair isn't a need, it's a want. To be brutally honest, nobody *needs* hair.

People who think long hair is gross hardly ever get to comment on mine, as mine is always up.

There are some who, over time, have become interested in my few hairtoys. What a funny thing that is!

I make a point of saying nice things to women with decent looking long hair, I figure they're on the receiving end of put-downs like so many folks here at LHC.

Me too. Especially well taken care of curls. I compliment them and most of the time they blush or look really pleased then tell me their secrets for it. Occasionally I get looked at like I'm some sort of insect.

I still remember the older lady (late 40s, early 50s maybe) I saw at the supermarket with waist length microbraids in a very unashamed salt and pepper (more salt). I made sure to tell her that she had the most beautiful hair I'd seen in months. She smiled and swung it around

[heidi w.]

I rarely bring it up any more, she usually comments first ;) she does notice, and compliment my stick and updo's though, so it's not all bad.

Heidi, you always have such wonderful advice! :) I don't live with her anymore, but we see each other several times a week. I am going to try to keep my hair up around her for a while, out of sight, out of mind ;) I know what you are saying about respect, but honestly, we do have a very good relationship, and it's the way we say things, more than the actual words that get the message across. That's how it is with me and my mum anyway, everyone's relationships are different, she would never have said that to her mum for example ;)
It's definitely not my first disagreement with someone I love though, but it's the first one my mum has kept on about. I have tattoos, which she knew I was getting before hand, she wasn't bothered. I've done things she really disapproved of, she told me, and then left it alone. But something as simple as growing hair she keeps on about..... Do you think she could be trying to prepare me for it not growing as I hope? She really does beleive those myths, could she think she is being kind?

Maybe she's trying to help you not to get your hopes up too much. All you can do is see how it goes and adjust accordingly. Well, always with a little bit not so positive, usually tucked in there is something that's nice. At least she says nice things about your updos and hairsticks. That's a positive.

People believe all kinds of things, and it doesn't necessarily make it all true the belief in X. Maybe she knows something about family hair genetically; maybe she doesn't. Lots of people believe their hairdressers, and frankly, most hairdressers haven't really studied enough to open their mouths about long hair hopes, as an example.

Just you enjoy your hair. My family members aren't thrilled about my hair length, but they don't live with me either, so they get to say pretty much nothing about it. I get to ignore their opinion. I don't ever talk hair anything with my Grandmother, for example. She's not in fave of my long hair. But she still loves me enough to help me on occasion. And that's all I need. Her love.

The love is sufficient for me.

Good luck in your hair journey. Now back to homework....
heidi w.

[heidi w.]

I rarely bring it up any more, she usually comments first ;) she does notice, and compliment my stick and updo's though, so it's not all bad.

Heidi, you always have such wonderful advice! :) I don't live with her anymore, but we see each other several times a week. I am going to try to keep my hair up around her for a while, out of sight, out of mind ;) I know what you are saying about respect, but honestly, we do have a very good relationship, and it's the way we say things, more than the actual words that get the message across. That's how it is with me and my mum anyway, everyone's relationships are different, she would never have said that to her mum for example ;)
It's definitely not my first disagreement with someone I love though, but it's the first one my mum has kept on about. I have tattoos, which she knew I was getting before hand, she wasn't bothered. I've done things she really disapproved of, she told me, and then left it alone. But something as simple as growing hair she keeps on about..... Do you think she could be trying to prepare me for it not growing as I hope? She really does beleive those myths, could she think she is being kind?

I'm glad you and she have a special language and overall understand each other. That's very nice. And something to look forward to when visiting with her.

See things in the best available or possible light, and there's a better outcome for positive endings usually.

Be well,
heidi w.

[caadam]

When I first started experimenting with the idea of not using conventional hair products like s&c, my mother was very skeptical. And when I decided to just go CO, she had no doubt in her mind that it would turn out to be a mess. She said my hair would be greasy and it wouldn't clean my hair.

Well... I started washing my hair with conditioner for months, didn't argue with her, and ended up showing her that she was wrong. :D With parents, I've learned the best kind of respect is to listen, mind what they say, and also do what you know is right for yourself.

My mom doesn't bother me about my hair habits anymore. Partly because she thinks I'm strange (which she and I both agree on lol so no hard feelings there), and also because she's seen that my methods DO work for me. Since I've been WO, I've been raving to her about how my scalp has cleared up.

She nodded and said, "Hey, whatever works. That's what matters." See? You just have to be patient and honor what your parents say. They eventually come around if you stay diligent. And if not, then for one, it's their loss, and for another, just keep respecting and loving them. :) Sometimes it really has to do with old habits; being stuck in a mindset that's been there for so long they can't see past it. You can't hold that kind of thing against them, you know? It hurts sometimes, for sure, but what's better—holding a grudge because you're hurt, or considering the reality of WHY they just don't want to understand? Something to think about.

I think my mom is kind of in between. She doesn't mind my hair routine and supports it, but at the same time, she refuses to change her own yet knows the damage she's creating. lol She has her old habits, and it's also because she's a lady who doesn't want to go through the transitions of using less products. It's too inconvenient for her, which whatever. It's her hair.

[ratgirldjh]

Don't you love it when people tell you to cut your hair so it will grow? lol

Years ago I had a friend who kept telling me to go to his hair cutter. When I told him that I had already had my hair trimmed and didn't need to do it again for a long time he kept telling me that she could trim my hair and make it look longer! lol

I did end up going to his hair cutter and used her for years! She did actually only cut off as much as you asked! I had short hair then - but still I was always worried how much would get cut off and this lady rocked!

I think just grow your hair and ignore your mom! Or next time she tells you to get a trim you could tell her you just got one! - didn't she notice? ;)

[AnqeIicDemise]

My mom always tells me my scalp's gonna rot and my hair's going to fall out whenever she sees me/hears about me oiling my hair. Although I've shown her the miniscule amount of oil I use, she still envisions me dumping cups full of the stuff.

Then she forgets her warnings, sees my locks when they're down and goes "Oh my god, it shines like a mirror! And its soft as silk!" 9_9 Its such a different generation, y'know?

ETA: mom was a teenager in the 60s and a full grown adult in the 70s. It was such a shampoo revolution during the era. My Gammy on the other hand, hounded me about oiling my ends for years... and talked about sing vinegar rinses and having to squeeze the oil out of avocado seeds to get the best benefit out of everything. She'd be so proud of this group!

[PixxieStix]

Do what makes you happy, you won't always be able to please your parents.

My mum is super excited for me to grow my hair out, she really, really misses it being long. I haven't told her yet just *how* long I plan on letting it grow, because I don't know how she'll react to that news, I just plan on letting it get there and seeing what she has to say then. Sadly I only get to see her a few times a year and that will likely be the way it is for years to come, but she's supportive overall, but I refrain for giving her opportunity to be negative in any way. Good thing we all have LHC to fall back on for all the support we need no matter our goal!

[Dragon Faery]

I rarely bring it up any more, she usually comments first ;) she does notice, and compliment my stick and updo's though, so it's not all bad.

...

It's definitely not my first disagreement with someone I love though, but it's the first one my mum has kept on about. I have tattoos, which she knew I was getting before hand, she wasn't bothered. I've done things she really disapproved of, she told me, and then left it alone. But something as simple as growing hair she keeps on about..... Do you think she could be trying to prepare me for it not growing as I hope? She really does beleive those myths, could she think she is being kind?

My parents do this. Any time I have any sort of plan or goal and I mention it to them, they go into all the reasons it might not work. I realize now that they think they're just preparing me for possible disappointment. They were both disappointed a lot in their younger years; and being very sensitive, it was hard on both of them. So in their minds they think they're protecting me, but in reality it is annoying and discouraging. So yes, if your mom really believes all these things, she might be trying to prepare you for disappointment. Maybe simply saying, "It might not work but I'm going to try it anyway," would ease her mind enough that she'd not think it necessary to comment all the time. Maybe not, but it's possible she just needs you to acknowledge her view of things ... Ironically, that's the same thing you want from her. ;)

[Dragon Faery]

When my mom comments, it's because she thinks I'm too obsessed with my hair. I'm very close to her in some ways, but not in others, and the things we disagree on are better not brought up because she likes to sort of "hint" and"nudge" me in what she sees as the "right" direction whenever such topics come up. She sees my desire for long hair as obsessive, vain, and otherwise extreme. Long hair itself she isn't against; it's just super long hair she has a problem with. She hates public attention of any kind, so anything too far out of the ordinary is distasteful to her due to attracting attention. If my hair is anywhere between APL and Waist she doesn't mind. But were I to shave my head she'd be forever making comments about it, and it's the same with my desire for anything super long. I can't mention hairstyles, washing methods, this forum, or anything remotely hair-related without her at least going significantly quiet for a bit. Should I continue, she'll say something like, don't I think that's a bit vain, or time-consuming, or too expensive?
To which I have finally learned to say, No; not any more than if I were to wash my hair every day, heat-style it, and put on makeup. (All of which she does daily and won't be seen without.) That usually ends it.

Fortunately my awesome husband is super-supportive and helpful and more than counters any annoyances from other people. :)

[sycamoreboutiqu]

..... She said I wouldn't be able to grow hair that long. This is based on the fact that my hair didn't get too long in like 3rd and 4th grade. After that my hair was cut regularly and permed. I just said I hoped I'd at least get to waist. She just said good luck with that. But I don't expect her to be supportive. She doesn't like long hair on herself or on others. I do hope to get long enough to make her admit she was wrong.

This is such a strange phenomena, I have seen it quoted numerous times just in this thread. For the life of me I cannot understand why a mother would make that comment. I sense an underlying envy of some type.

That said - it definitely seems to be the wiser course to not mention you hair growing goals to ANYONE. Just do it, the results will speak for themselves. Even when you are near or at your goal - STILL - just don't discuss it. The hair will speak for itself and the less said the better.

I gleaned that good advice from this forum and even though I had made a few comments a few years ago about growing longer ( my daughter has long straight, blonde hair so we joked we were in a growing contest) I could tell from the cool reception that most people were not totally on board with it and I decided right then and there that was the last time I would make any unsolicited comments unless asked first.

I am one of those mature ladies fast approaching their 60's and the general public has such a negative attitude to long hair in general that the less said the better.

But - dammiit. I have good hair and I am not going to "waste" it just because I am not 20 yrs old. To hell with all the naysayers. They can go "sit on it" as we used to say in the 70's (or maybe it was the 80's ...). Life is too short to curb yourself because of what others say or think.

That is one of the great revelations of getting older - you just don't give a flying f^&* what anyone else thinks of what you look like or want to do with your life.

It is such a new found sense of freedom, something most of us women have not experienced in our younger years. I wish it for all of you here on the LHC - especially you younger ones.

Enjoy your hair to the fullest, and don't let anyone convince you not to.

Rant over.

[julliams]

I have photos from about 7 years worth where my hair was all the same length. I would only get it cut once every 6 months but I would always cut off the same amount.

Since joining LHC and having been "growing" for 2 and a half years now, I have gone from APL to hip. I have friends who complain that their hair won't grow and then I find out she has a hairdresser come to their house every 6 weeks. I explained to them as I explained to you but it hasn't changed her routine. I think people have their "ways" and it's hard to change opinions when they are built on routine.

If I'm actively growing, I only trim once every 6 months but I do S & D inbetween to take care of the major splits. Anything shorter than 6 months and I just end up cutting all my growth. Even when I'm specific about 1 inch it always ends up being about 2 inches that actually get cuts off when evening out.

[Kayla Nyx]

I had one of these this mornig, where I went upstairs and just about started crying over my hair. I had my hair up in a pony tail and mom looked at me and said, "since you live here, and im technically the boss, im gonna make you start dying your hair, make you straighten it, use normal people hair products and do something with it. And when you move out you can do whatever you want to it."

I just about started crying. It made me hate her. The past year would have been for nothing and cutting that 6 inches o damage would have been for nothing. She seemed to get a kick out of my pain. 4 hours later im still not sure if she was kidding or not. ):

[caadam]

Kayla Nyx... I have to admit that's pretty messed up for any parent to say.

I just quoted to my mother what you said your mother wrote, and my mother also agrees with me. She said, "It'd be totally different if her mother said, 'I want this room clean, and I don't want to see dishes in your room or food, because this is MY house.'" Which is true. If you're making a mess of your parents' house, they have every right to tell you to stop. lol :) Just an example. But in this case... what your mother said is not the same.

I really think that you have every right to refuse your mother in this case. Don't be disrespectful about it, but stand your ground. This is your body—your hair is still attached to it, you know? lol And for your mother to stand there and threaten to coerce you to dye, straighten, and clean your hair the way she wants it to be done, IMHO is borderline abusive and superficial. I can understand if she encouraged you to 'respect' your body the way she believes it should be taken care of, but that's not what she's doing. She's stepped over that line.

I support any parent who exercises authority with their children in their own home and throughout life, but there comes a time where a line is drawn between parent and child, and that line should be respected.

[Ligeia_13]

The first thing she said when I told her I was growing it was 'oh, it'll never get that long, not many people can grow their hair, yours was never long as a child'. It was never long because she had it cut so regularly, and she loves to tell me how hot she used to get with waist length braids as a child!

Ugh. My mother knows I want to grow my hair long - and that for the first time in years I'm not blow drying it or straightening it or bleaching or dyeing it to death. And still if I ever mention it she goes "Oh give it up, its never going to happen." Thanks ma!

I also remember being persuaded to let "Auntie Sue cut your hair" when I was 15. Fair enough, she is a hairdresser but she's never done what I've asked so you can probably tell what happened. To this day I believe my mum told her to cut off more than I wanted :p

[spidermom]

Can you tell her "the subject of my hair is CLOSED." Repeating it a couple of times ought to get the idea through.

[GRU]

Tell her that you did get a trim.... she doesn't have to know the truth!

[Maelyssa]

Oh I empathize with you! My own mother choose my worst day recently to inform me my air looked 'scraggly' and ask when I was going to get rid of it.
Needless to say I am NOT happy.

[Vallena]

I don't really talk about my hair, because I don't want to find out who disagrees. People will make negative comments about anything, especially if they think it will make them more popular/liked by others. I don't care if people disagree with me, but rude comments are unnecessary.

But my mother seems pretty ambivalent about it. She thinks I look(ed) better with lots of layers, shorter hair and bangs, but its not like she thinks I'm ugly with long hair.

[HappyHair87]

I had one of these this mornig, where I went upstairs and just about started crying over my hair. I had my hair up in a pony tail and mom looked at me and said, "since you live here, and im technically the boss, im gonna make you start dying your hair, make you straighten it, use normal people hair products and do something with it. And when you move out you can do whatever you want to it."

I just about started crying. It made me hate her. The past year would have been for nothing and cutting that 6 inches o damage would have been for nothing. She seemed to get a kick out of my pain. 4 hours later im still not sure if she was kidding or not. ):

Wow! My mom was like that when i was your age. But you know what she hated about me the most? I stood my ground. In my mind...NOBODY owns me but God...so she has no right to tell me what to do to my body. Like a previous poster said...it's understandable for her to be like that about her house....but she's your MOM...not your slave owner. I think that's where a lot of parents mess up at.

Over the years me and my mom's relationship has improved but...there's things she has said and done that i just cannot forget...but i do forgive her. It helps with growth.;)

[Kinkycurlygurl]

Often, our parents try to spare us disappointment by discouraging us from doing things they don't believe are realistic goals. They love us and don't want us to suffer. When my Mom says things like that I just tell her that I love her too and keep on with what ever I'm doing. :cheese:

[Kimberlyb]

Maybe your mother actually yearns for the braids of her youth. Give her updates on your hair growth, but if she doesn't come around, just let it go with a quick swish of your newly long hair.

[sunshine-locks]

That must suck :o My mum's pretty cool about whatever hair thing I'm into at the time, when I wanted to shave my head to raise money for cancer research, she was totally into it and was going to do it with me.When I told her how long I wanted my hair, she told me how she and my sister both had lovely long hair (classic or so) in their youth and how nice I'd look with long hair :)
She's really supportive of me, but she is a believer in trims and says I'm due for one :P

[Mesmerise]

I must admit... my mum was pretty awesome with my hair. We did have discussions when I was younger and wanted it cut straight across the back (blunt) and she wanted it shaped (I guess more U cut? But kinda shaped at the sides... errm it was late 70s so picture hair in that time), but after making me have my hair once like that at 6, she pretty much let me do what I liked!! I can't imagine being so horrible to one of my kids and saying they HAD to do particular things with my hair :rolleyes:.

The only annoyance I get is from my best friend, who likes to point out whenever I need my hair re-hennaed... as if somehow I never notice my roots on my own :rolleyes:. Really... I KNOW when my roots are showing! I just don't need to touch up RIGHT AWAY!!! Fortunately she is supportive of long hair, and told me off when I trimmed too much (to get rid of my thin ends) :D.

[Bagginslover]

I had one of these this mornig, where I went upstairs and just about started crying over my hair. I had my hair up in a pony tail and mom looked at me and said, "since you live here, and im technically the boss, im gonna make you start dying your hair, make you straighten it, use normal people hair products and do something with it. And when you move out you can do whatever you want to it."

I just about started crying. It made me hate her. The past year would have been for nothing and cutting that 6 inches o damage would have been for nothing. She seemed to get a kick out of my pain. 4 hours later im still not sure if she was kidding or not. ):

I am so sorry your mum is being like this :( nasty comments are one thing, but to threaten you with being forced to do something you don't want to do...I have no words for just how wrong that is! Please don't give in to her, if she tried to make you do it, stay calm, and walk away. If she physically tries, remove yourself without retaliating (even if she is hurting you, it's better not to hurt her back) and go somewhere safe, away from her house. I would say contact the police, but that could make her more annoyed, but if you have to, call them.

Thank you for all the advice everyone has offered me, I will try to keep my hair out of view around mum, and if she starts making funny comments I shall just tell her I'd like to see for myself how long it'll grow.

[styric]

Mine would ask if I EVER brushed my hair and insist I go do it again when I got triangle head. She cut bangs, insisting they're adorable. When they cowlicked I got blow dried every day..

I grew my hair out to about shoulder length, got tired of the insane flyaway frizz and cropped my hair to my ears at her request. She LOVED it. I had an afro..... I hated it. At least she loves curls and insisted I never straighten it and always made me get bangs. When I was finally old enough to say 'ENOUGH!' I cut my hair off again in a bob to match my bangs, and grew the whole thing out. She rolled her eyes at it and told me every month I needed bangs again.

I spent years growing it out, and she's been going shorter every year. I remember when she had BSL 3c curls, and miss it. Every few months she'd tell me how frizzy my hair is and how it needs a cut.. I decided that there's something wrong with it, and started researching online how to cope with curly hair, stumbled upon CG and realized that a brush is my worst enemy. I learned how to straighten my curls with a combination air drying and conditioners so that I'm more wavy than curly most days (much easier for me to handle) and how to amplify the curls for when I want to. I rarely do it, the feeling of 'big' curls makes me flash back to my afro days and freak out and flatten it.

She's now got dyed, highlighted, very short pixie. She constantly tells me curly hair should be short. I just laugh at her and ask her when is the last time I ever liked it short.

The last time she saw my hair down, she went 0.0 and said that's not hair, that's a MANE. I was rather pleased!