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View Full Version : Clueless Mother - Hair Rant to Constructive Advice



vendethiel
April 2nd, 2012, 03:37 PM
Ok, this is really just a rant, but maybe we can make it constructive, too.

There is a lady I know - and by know, I mean she is a family friend who lives far away, but shares pictures of her family. She has one daughter and the poor girl's hair makes me want to cry. The mom has probably 2a F ii hair and it is cut in a cute bob with bangs. It is flow-y and fluffy and fun and frames her face beautifully. Her daughter has probably 1a M iii hair, it is dark and beautiful. However, it is cut in the exact same style, but instead being cute and framing her face, it is lifeless and covers her face. You can't see the poor girl, the bangs are heavy and greasy looking and the rest of the hair just hangs around her face. The girl is young enough that I don't think this is a style choice, but rather Mom's choice. You can't see the poor girl for her hair and it seems Mom isn't paying attention.

I can't do anything about it and if I could, I'm not sure what I would do. But I was thinking about it, if you have (or could have) a daughter with hair completely different from yours, what do you do? How do you help her understand and love her hair? How do you help her create her own style that is good for her and her hair? Do you research her hair type? Do you help her experiment? Do you just let her alone? What would you do? What should you do? What shouldn't you do?

Avital88
April 2nd, 2012, 03:53 PM
I have a 4 yo daughter with totally different hair than mine.She has 3b/c very fine hair, but lots of it, and its very tangle prone. Its a must to take care of it and only since last summer i finally got it.
After a lot of times on lhc and doing research ,talking to other curlies etc i found her routine but wow it took some effort.
I understand for some moms its hard(most have issues with their own hair to begin with)
i would never let my daughter figure it out on her own, im her mum and i should help her with it especially after being the hair freak that i am..
Would be very shamefull for me to walk around with well taken care off tailbone hair and a daughter with a tangled birdsnest.

Amber_Maiden
April 2nd, 2012, 03:56 PM
It is VERY likely my daughter will have hair like mine and my husbands- we both have the same hair type! Very thick, wavy, an coarse. If she didn't have the same hair type as us, I would research it, and made sure to talk to people who had hair like hers. I'm pretty hair knowledgeable, however, so I'm pretty sure her hair will be fine.

I think, even when a kid is little, they know what they want- even for their hair. I knew I wanted short hair when I was little, and I made sure I got it. I believe in asking kids what they would like, especially when it comes to their hair. To treat a kid like they don't know what they want is just rude and unintelligent. I'd say by the age of 3-4 a kid knows what they would want, concerning their hair.

I feel bad for the little girl you talked about...

lapushka
April 2nd, 2012, 04:05 PM
Yeah, but how do you know for sure that the girl just maybe didn't want hair like mommy?

spidermom
April 2nd, 2012, 04:19 PM
I'm sorry; I don't see a problem here.

I remember when my daughter was about 5 or 6, she wanted hair as long as possible, and it was thin, limp, and stringy. People may not have liked her picture, but her hair was well cared for, and it was exactly what she wanted.

Hollyfire3
April 2nd, 2012, 04:20 PM
If I have a daughter (which I would want in the future) she will probably have the same hair type as me, thick, wavy, heavy and sometimes poofy, but if she ends up having say, normal or thinner, straight hair, i would use my knowledge of hair and reasearch all i could then help her out whenever she wanted, i would ask her opinion and what she would want with her hair no matter her hair type, i believe it is wrong to force a child into something or not consider their wants.

auburntressed
April 2nd, 2012, 05:01 PM
My mom's hair type is a bit different from mine. It is C/ii. I don't know the curl pattern at all because I have never in my life seen it - she has always heat singed it as straight as she can make it because she finds "curly" hair distasteful. Judging from childhood pics, I'd estimate it is about a 2b.

When I was little, she cared for my hair by keeping it in braids 24/7 until I learned to braid my own hair around age 6-7. From that point onward, I was on my own. Other than the strict rule that I was not allowed to cut my hair, she didn't care what my hair looked like. It was often a stringy oil slick because I was not allowed to wash it more than once a week - which exacerbated my itchy, flaky scalp.

I'm "better" at fixing her hair up the way she likes it than anyone else - meaning I can use the flat iron on her. Apparently she is under the impression that her hair is "so thick" that no one else has the patience to work on it. That seems a bit odd to me as her hair is about a 3" circ at BSL. Then again... Most people that I know tend to. E generally impatient.

Is she were my daughter rather than my mother, I would refuse to allow her to heat damage her hair constantly like that - at least up until she was in her teenage years when she could use a flat iron and blow drier on herself without my complicity. If I had a daughter, I would be lenient about whatever style or cut she wanted as long as it wasn't damaging, and her hair stayed reasonably healthy and clean. And if her hair type was different enough from my own that I needed help, I would get help.

Springgrl
April 2nd, 2012, 05:07 PM
Most likely my daughter someday will have hair just like my husbands. I have 1a F iii hair and he has 3b M/C iii hair. What I am going to do is ask his sisters (who have hair just like him) what they do and have tons of fun with it. I have always wanted curly hair haha!

vendethiel
April 2nd, 2012, 05:26 PM
Yeah, but how do you know for sure that the girl just maybe didn't want hair like mommy?

You know, I don't know. I would guess not, just based on the mother's parenting style. But your question raises another interesting question. If you have a daughter who wants hair just like you, but it doesn't work for her or her hair type, what do you do? Do you let her have it? Do you steer her towards something else? Do you find a compromise? There is nothing wrong with a child wanting to be like mom, but you still want them to have their own identity.

vendethiel
April 2nd, 2012, 05:38 PM
I'm sorry; I don't see a problem here.

I remember when my daughter was about 5 or 6, she wanted hair as long as possible, and it was thin, limp, and stringy. People may not have liked her picture, but her hair was well cared for, and it was exactly what she wanted.

Did you help your daughter with her hair care and trimming or did she decide most of it on her own? Did she experiment or did she follow suggestions given by you or both? I'm curious about how to help someone learn to care for their own hair from a young age. How to help them figure out what they like and their hair likes without either pushing them or neglecting them. I didn't learn how to properly care for my hair when I was younger and so I wonder how to help someone learn from a young age.

luxepiggy
April 2nd, 2012, 05:54 PM
If the daughter isn't even old enough to be making her own hairstyling decisions, I don't see too much cause for concern. I think a lot of parents with younger children tend to choose haircuts for their children that are low-maintenance and easily cared for.

When I was a kid, my mom had my hair cut pretty similarly to her own. By the time I reached adolescence I realized that we have completely different face shapes (hers is small & oval-shaped, with dainty features; mine is square with a defined, angular bone structure - all jawline & cheekbones, as you can see in my avatar) and the styles that flatter her look awful on me. She didn't really have strong feelings about it either way; the rule of thumb was pretty much "do whatever you want, as long as it doesn't require ridiculous amounts of time and/or money", which I think is about the best attitude a parent of a teenager can have. Good job, mother pig! (^(oo)^)v

Dragon Faery
April 2nd, 2012, 06:09 PM
I have thought a bit about this before, as my sister's hair is substantially different than mine. I was the only one in the family who could braid, so I got to put her hair up for gymnastics practice twice a week. Hers is much finer and slipperier than mine, and she has a really stubborn cowlick over one eye. I learned by trial and error at the time, but if I could go back and do it over again I'd come here and read through all the applicable threads I could find, and ask questions as needed.

This would have been a great resource to have several years ago, as well. I was doing a friend's hair for a play, and a little girl who was also in the play came to me for help. She had super-fine, super-floaty, silky hair that tangled if she so much as inhaled. She'd gotten a huge knot at the back and needed me to get it out for her. I tried the gentlest ways I knew how at the time (starting from the bottom, going slowly, etc,) but it wasn't getting anywhere. She said I would have to rip through it to get it out, and that no matter how much conditioner she used her hair would always tangle like that. Nowadays I would have reached for a conditioner or detangling spray or oil or ANYTHING rather than ripping through her glorious hair. But I didn't know about those things, and in the end I had to do it her way. :(

Now I have a niece with lovely 1a/F-M/iii hair, and when she visits this summer I will be MUCH better equipped to deal with her hair and teach her to appreciate it for what it is, thanks to LHC!

Hyacinth
April 2nd, 2012, 06:21 PM
I can't do anything about it and if I could, I'm not sure what I would do. But I was thinking about it, if you have (or could have) a daughter with hair completely different from yours, what do you do? How do you help her understand and love her hair? How do you help her create her own style that is good for her and her hair? Do you research her hair type? Do you help her experiment? Do you just let her alone? What would you do? What should you do? What shouldn't you do?

My advice would be to get into a conversation about hair at some level; tell her your "witness" and what you have gone through/done to make your own hair more healthy. Direct her to the LHC and share with her some of the special tips for caring for YOUR hair. Complement what you love about her hair, and her daughter's hair, ask questions...just start a conversation about it. :inlove: You obviously love them and care about their hair so just keep encouraging them by how much you have gone through with your own hair, what you have learned and complements about long, beautiful hair. :D

MaryRose
April 2nd, 2012, 06:23 PM
My daughter has 1b M ii hair. I used to keep her hair about shoulder length most of her younger years simply for the ease of care. When she was about 8 yrs old, she wanted her hair cut to the pixie style like mine was. I have wavy to curly hair that is well suited for the feathered look. we went to the salon to find a hairstyle for her. the hair dresser advised her against the pixie cut and told her she would be disapointed with the look and her hair would never behave like mine. so We looked through a book of hairstyles and found one she really liked for her hair type. She could tell that our hair was deffinately different. Now she is 11 yrs and is currently growing her hair to floor length. so we experienmented with different hair care routines to find one that suits her hair type. Our hair require very different care routines and it took about a year to figure out just what her hair likes. I trim her as needed for dead ends and we keep track of her hair growth. Over the past year, her hair grew from 16.5 inches to 21.5 inches with two half inch trims. I found that we bond the most when we shop for hair toys and discuss hair products for our hair. I have two boys as well, and this is great for just me and her.

caiti42
April 2nd, 2012, 06:34 PM
I think my child would probably have hair similar to mine. But if she had curls I would do my best to look after them and keep them nice.

But I also remember when I was a child demanding a bob which looked awful on me. But it was what I wanted. So if she really wanted something that looked crap I would probably let her anyway. (within reason, no shaving or undercuts!)

sfgirl
April 2nd, 2012, 06:35 PM
I don't really see a problem here either.
It may not look great, but I think as long as the girl is healthy and well cared for, that's all that matters. Child obesity bothers me more than not pretty hair.
Also, a lot of little girls do want to look just like mommy, regardless of if that works for them. (

Firefly
April 2nd, 2012, 06:48 PM
My DD's hair is very different from mine: gorgeous, thick and blonde! She's a M/C, iii. She had corkscrew curls as a toddler and I think they may come back with/after puberty, but right now I'm not sure. She has a lot of wave but on humid days still gets some corkscrews around her temples.

I've talked to her about caring for her hair, got her the Curly Girl book and all... but she's twelve. ;) She knows exactly what she wants and prefers to wear it brushed out. It's not how I'd wear mine, but it's her hair, and as long as it's not a hygiene issue it's really up to her. I think she's adorable anyway! :love:

leslissocool
April 2nd, 2012, 07:31 PM
My daughter's hair is M-F ii while mine is C iii, but fortunately same curl pattern.

I'm just going to let it grow, I'm really lucky her hair is something I can manage. My son's hair who i am also growing, have fine hair and I don't use cones on his hair. My hair is by fat the least manageable type, compared top my kids. You can't tell on this picture, but my girl has light hair :crush: like a ash medium-light brown.

http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/picture.php?albumid=6166&pictureid=128179

ravenreed
April 2nd, 2012, 07:32 PM
In the grand scheme of things, this is so not an issue I care about. I may make a comment to a friend if she is wondering how to deal with a problem, but other than that, it isn't my business. Parents have enough on their plates without making them feel guilty over hair.

SheaLynne
April 3rd, 2012, 01:13 AM
I would just assume it is a stage for either the parent or the child, and all things move to a new stage soon enough when raising children.

My dd7 has at least 3a curls, and I have 1c really...whole 'nother world in haircare. I've researched and studied curly girl methods. I'm highly active in teaching her how to care for *her* hair and discussing how it is different from mine and that each of ours have pluses and minuses. I really want her to be happy with her hair and know how to work with it. She likes it long for now (it is nearly classic when stretched), so I've worked hard to learn fun ways to fix it. She makes attempts to braid and fix it herself, but I help detangle and "finish" any styles so we can ensure the tangles are kept under control. It'll be a gradual transition to her fully caring for it.

Katleen
April 3rd, 2012, 01:31 AM
My oldest daughter unfortunately doesn't have my hair, but my husband's... Very thin, breakable and fragile, grows very very slowly... And she dreams of long hair, like most 6 year old girly girls... I have explained to her that we will take the best care of it that we can, and try to grow it long. Her younger sister has better hair, but she's only 4 and I have to almost fight her every day to keep it tangle free. She wants to be rapunzel, but she's a tomboy at heart, so a birdsnest is never far away :-)

duchesswannabe
April 3rd, 2012, 07:07 AM
How do you help her create her own style that is good for her and her hair? Do you research her hair type? Do you help her experiment? Do you just let her alone? What would you do? What should you do? What shouldn't you do?

I think you shouldn't get involved, period. I had very short hair during the beginning of my teens, and later my mother (and probably myself) chopped it up so badly that I had to get a really ridiculous haircut. Then, later, my mother said, "It doesn't do a thing for you." Then when I tried to grow it out I got criticism that my hair was in my eyes and no wonder I felt like I had something in my eye. Moms, just butt out unless you are asked, and then be diplomatic about it, with only suggestions on styling, not comments like, "It would look better if you . . ." And little girls shouldn't have to worry about being beautiful unless they want to be. There is so much more to life.

auroraclio
April 3rd, 2012, 08:49 AM
I'm sure ppl have thought similar thoughts about my girl's hair, it's SL with heavy bangs and her hair is iii+, super thick and wavy, but she wants it styled like that. She won't wear ponytails or headbands, so it constantly looks knotty. But it's her hair not mine and she's 7 so I just make sure she brushes it and let her do her own thing. :D

littleizz
April 3rd, 2012, 08:54 AM
I think kids should have a say in what their hair looks like, but until they're old enough to take care of it, it's ultimately mom's choice.

That being said, this is the ONE thing that intimidates me when I think of adopting. I would be open to taking in children of any race, but if I adopted a black girl (or boy, I guess), young enough for me to have to do their hair... I'd have no idea what to do!! :p

Masara
April 3rd, 2012, 08:59 AM
My mum has c/iii hair somewhere in the 3s, with a very dry scalp. I don't. She could tell very early on that things that worked for her hair wouldn't work for mine (luckily my dad has hair like mine) On the other hand, it's taken her a while to understand that while a short cut looks good on her because her hair stands out from her head, my hair just lies limp and flat.

She had long hair as a child and teen and her main memories are of tangles (no conditioner) bulk and weight. She keeps asking me if I don't find "all the weight" of my hair difficult. I have to show her that I can still get my hair into one hand. Bulk and weight are things I can only dream of.

One of my daughters has hair like mine. She's 10 and wants it cut "this way" or "that way" to look like her friends. I know it won't do it from my experience with my own hair. I tell her I don't think it will work and why. If she still insists (which she usually does) then we get it done and she finds out for herself.

The other daughter's hair was like mine when she was younger. It's got more wave than mine and is a lot thicker now. She too has her own ideas. I can give my opinion (from watching what her hair does do) but again, the only way she'll find out is by testing it.

TheMechaGinger
April 3rd, 2012, 09:01 AM
You know this happened to my niece! She has incredibly thick slightly wavy hair. I'm thinking like C iii hair and when it was long (down to her butt just about) it was gorgoues! I was so jealous of this little 7 year old :D And not too long ago her grandma had it cut into an angled bob so short the back of her neck is shaved. The front part poofs out terribly and it just does nothing for her. She absolutely hated it at first, it was too short to do anything with except put some barrettes in. Now she doesn't talk about it much so I'm not sure how she feels anymore. But I'm terrified to mention anything to anybody and just hope that she'll grow it back out again

Thinthondiel
April 3rd, 2012, 09:57 AM
I think kids should have a say in what their hair looks like, but until they're old enough to take care of it, it's ultimately mom's choice.

That being said, this is the ONE thing that intimidates me when I think of adopting. I would be open to taking in children of any race, but if I adopted a black girl (or boy, I guess), young enough for me to have to do their hair... I'd have no idea what to do!! :p

I'm sure you'd learn quickly, especially since you're already interested in hair. I work at a kindergarten where there's an adopted girl from Ethiopia, and her mom does a lot of fun stuff with her hair. It doesn't even have to be that complicated. Her hair looks fantastic with lots of small rope braids (or fewer bigger ones), and when she takes them out her hair has perfect spiral curls. :) And then there's micro braids, french braiding, dutch braiding (including cornrows, which are just small dutch braids), fluffy pigtails... there are a lot of possibilities. :)

I think this girl uses some sort of coconut product in her hair as well (it doesn't smell like coconut oil, I'm thinking maybe some sort of hair butter with a coconut scent or something), and it smells fantastic. Sometimes if she's sitting on my lap, I can't help myself and have to smell her hair a bit. :o

leslissocool
April 3rd, 2012, 12:01 PM
I think kids should have a say in what their hair looks like, but until they're old enough to take care of it, it's ultimately mom's choice.

That being said, this is the ONE thing that intimidates me when I think of adopting. I would be open to taking in children of any race, but if I adopted a black girl (or boy, I guess), young enough for me to have to do their hair... I'd have no idea what to do!! :p

Wanda sykes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xwBJiKFygw) has some Ideas about this!

littleizz
April 3rd, 2012, 12:20 PM
I'm sure you'd learn quickly, especially since you're already interested in hair. I work at a kindergarten where there's an adopted girl from Ethiopia, and her mom does a lot of fun stuff with her hair. It doesn't even have to be that complicated. Her hair looks fantastic with lots of small rope braids (or fewer bigger ones), and when she takes them out her hair has perfect spiral curls. :) And then there's micro braids, french braiding, dutch braiding (including cornrows, which are just small dutch braids), fluffy pigtails... there are a lot of possibilities. :)

I think this girl uses some sort of coconut product in her hair as well (it doesn't smell like coconut oil, I'm thinking maybe some sort of hair butter with a coconut scent or something), and it smells fantastic. Sometimes if she's sitting on my lap, I can't help myself and have to smell her hair a bit. :oThanks! I'm sure I'd learn, especially like you said, since I love hair to begin with. And aaww!!! That little girl you work with sounds so cute :crush:


Wanda sykes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xwBJiKFygw) has some Ideas about this!:rollin: That is awesome. "Drive through the 'hood and stick her head out the window, just do SOMETHING!"

heidi w.
April 3rd, 2012, 12:25 PM
A large part of this is what is the kid willing to do? Most kids want what their mother has (if it's a little girl) or their Dad has (if it's a little boy). I recall a time seeing a little girl's hair on TV and absolutely loving it, and I wanted hair like hers. My Mom cut my hair like the TV but my hair in no way behaved like what I saw on TV. I was very disappointed, and after I was out of my 20s finally decided to stop asking my hair to behave differently.

Kids do have issues with hygiene sometimes. They have to be taught. She may be at an age where her friends influence her a fair amount, and she wants what they have. IF she doesn't want her face to be seen, then she won't let her face be seen.

Kids come up with interesting notions sometimes, and you have to let them go through the "phase" and ignore it, even if it's unsightly, sometimes. One day she'll figure it all out. Probably when her life depends on it, such as a job interview. But for right now, she doesn't have to make a great impression for survival.

I read all these posts of adults dying their hair these crazy colors, and I always end up wondering where they work that they can have this kind of hair. I've never held an office job that would view strange hair dye jobs as favorable for the business or for staff to have.

But I tend to want a job pretty badly, and most people don't necessarily share the same viewpoint.

I think you can say something if you want to, but I'd tread carefully and go lightly. Parents get pretty defensive pretty fast of their kids and their parenting styles. I would think a question would be a way to open the conversation. Maybe this parent agrees with you but is at a loss as to how to influence her daughter? One never knows.

heidi w.

heidi w.
April 3rd, 2012, 12:28 PM
:rollin: That is awesome. "Drive through the 'hood and stick her head out the window, just do SOMETHING!"

This is HI-LAR-IOUS!! I live very near a hood and have a half hood where I live. Just yesterday and today, I saw two different young men walking down a public street (yep, public) with their pants hanging well below their genitalia and arse, and then one of them I saw him tug at his pants to pull them up, which essentially made no difference. It's unattractive, and worse yet, they spit as they walk along and yell at drivers. There's nothing I can do. It is what it is, and I imagine they think they look cool.

You can't save everybody from themselves. In their world-view it all makes sense. I guess.

I can't begin to testify as to the volume of crappy hair or weirdo hair I see. It's their life, not mine.

heidi w.

spidermom
April 3rd, 2012, 12:36 PM
Did you help your daughter with her hair care and trimming or did she decide most of it on her own? Did she experiment or did she follow suggestions given by you or both? I'm curious about how to help someone learn to care for their own hair from a young age. How to help them figure out what they like and their hair likes without either pushing them or neglecting them. I didn't learn how to properly care for my hair when I was younger and so I wonder how to help someone learn from a young age.

She allowed me to help her with washing and combing, braiding - stuff like that. But she absolutely refused to have scissors come near her hair because she wanted hair like Crystal Gayle. About age 10, she decided she liked cute bouncy ponytails and allowed a friend to cut her hair to shoulder length during an overnight at the friend's house. Ouch; uneven mess, but she loved it because her friend did it, so I didn't criticize. Eventually she went to the salon with me for a trim.

molly_grue
April 3rd, 2012, 12:40 PM
Hy hair is coarse and straight with a bit of wave.
My daughter has fine curly hair. I learned that never brushing it is the best way to have the curls look good.

spidermom
April 3rd, 2012, 12:42 PM
Like Piggy-Mom, my philosophy was pretty much whatever my daughter wanted as long as it wouldn't get her kicked out of school and wasn't ridiculously expensive.

karli
April 3rd, 2012, 12:50 PM
Until a month ago, my daughter 11 years old had beautiful kneelength iii hair with almost no taper. She was tired of it, too hard for her to take care of, she was tired of being known as "the girl with the braid/bun" Tired of people telling her what an amazing hair she had.. Once in Paris, a strange woman even kissed her braid, weird!

I helped her to cut it to layered waistlength..( It did hurt me a bit) She wants to be more like her friends.. For a little longer, I can refuse to buy her a flatiron, but I'm well aware she'll start with it sooner or later.. Of course she doesn't listen to moms advices, mom is old and not aware of fashion.. She knows best..

I have a vague feeling of not listening to my mom at that age either, believe I got a perm (the 80ies) My mom told me that I was the prettiest ever (when she got over the shock) That's what I'm planning to say to my daughter, and I'm sure I will mean it. No matter how she chooses to wear her hair, or which clothes she'll wear, I love her..

leslissocool
April 3rd, 2012, 12:55 PM
Until a month ago, my daughter 11 years old had beautiful kneelength iii hair with almost no taper. She was tired of it, too hard for her to take care of, she was tired of being known as "the girl with the braid/bun" Tired of people telling her what an amazing hair she had.. Once in Paris, a strange woman even kissed her braid, weird!

I helped her to cut it to layered waistlength..( It did hurt me a bit) She wants to be more like her friends.. For a little longer, I can refuse to buy her a flatiron, but I'm well aware she'll start with it sooner or later.. Of course she doesn't listen to moms advices, mom is old and not aware of fashion.. She knows best..

I have a vague feeling of not listening to my mom at that age either, believe I got a perm (the 80ies) My mom told me that I was the prettiest ever (when she got over the shock) That's what I'm planning to say to my daughter, and I'm sure I will mean it. No matter how she chooses to wear her hair, or which clothes she'll wear, I love her..

:( I am so sorry :blossom: