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View Full Version : Should I give her a "hair talk"?



Nedertane
March 20th, 2012, 09:10 PM
So my older sister is gorgeous and has lovely hair to begin with, let's establish that :). It's APL, naturally a dark brown that gets these crazy-awesome deep red highlights that she has only started to appreciate recently, is of medium thickness, and probably has a standard ii thickness, though I always thought it was thicker (ii/iii or maybe even iii by LHC standards).

That is, until I got a look at/feel for her hair the other day. The roots and what I could feel on the shaft were very, very dry, even though I know she doesn't wash every day (for those of you wondering, she didn't ask me to look at it, she tried to fall asleep on me one night :rolleyes:). The next day, she had her hair in a ponytail, and the circumference looked even thinner than mine, like i/ii or even i thickness (to be fair though, she has some short layers that didn't make it into the holder). It probably sounds mean, but I guess I can't be that surprised, since she uses heat (as in blowfrying AND curling/straightening irons) and/or teasing almost every day. She also dyes it fairly frequently, with standard salon dyes, which I'm sure you know mean developers.

Why am I telling you this? Well, she doesn't say this constantly, but every so often, I'll hear her say to me "my hair just does not grow!" or "your hair is so nice and long, it's like a perfect length, why won't mine grow like yours?" heh, after which she'll tell me to get more highlights :p. In all seriousness, though, after seeing what condition her hair is really in I got a bit concerned; I had always envied her for having thicker hair, but it shocked me to see that it might not be so thick anymore. I love my sister, and she has been working through other body image issues, and if she really wants to have longer hair, I want to try to help her if I can. After all, she is starting to realize that tanning may be more harmful than she thought, so maybe there's hope.

BUT, I feel like if I tried to tell her how she "should" treat her hair (no heat, no teasing, etc), then I'd be pushing my ideas on her, especially since I know she likes to style her hair that way, and that's how she thinks it looks good.


-sigh- Wow, what an LHC-er I am, wanting to have an "intervention" for someone else's hair! I'm torn about it though. What do you guys think.?

holothuroidea
March 20th, 2012, 09:14 PM
Well it sounds to me like she is inviting the conversation. Next time she compliments you on your hair just tell her what you do, or you can say "Oh I think your hair would be just as long as mine if you stopped heat styling, I know a lot of really fun ways to style hair without heat do you want to try them some time?"

I think if she invites the advice by saying, "I wish my hair could be as long as yours..." then you can give her whatever advice you feel is appropriate.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, though. It's not an intervention, it's just hair advice. :D

Nedertane
March 20th, 2012, 09:23 PM
Lol, well, I use the word "intervention" for lack of anything better. :D

Amber_Maiden
March 20th, 2012, 09:31 PM
Sounds like she is open to talk about it. I would print out some articles for her about how damaging chemical dyes and heat styling can be, if I were you.

darklyndsea
March 20th, 2012, 10:10 PM
Just don't forget the "but it's your hair, so if you're happier with your current styling regime, then I'm happy for you" part of the conversation. Because we all know that sometimes people can take advice as an attack if it isn't made explicitly clear that it's not an order to do it a certain way, just information about a different way to do things.

Arya
March 20th, 2012, 10:15 PM
Why not make her up a basket of hair goodies?
She couldn't possibly be offended by that.

Coconut oil, a TT or a BB, catnip in a cute little satchet, aloe vera gel, some non-metal hair ties, and some recipes, updo diagrams, and LHC hair facts printed on cute little booklets?

Ooh, now I'm thinking of my own friends and family...ideas ideas!

Nedertane
March 20th, 2012, 10:19 PM
Why not make her up a basket of hair goodies?
She couldn't possibly be offended by that.

Coconut oil, a TT or a BB, catnip in a cute little satchet, aloe vera gel, some non-metal hair ties, and some recipes, updo diagrams, and LHC hair facts printed on cute little booklets?

Ooh, now I'm thinking of my own friends and family...ideas ideas!



This is actually pretty awesome. :D

Bunnysaur
March 20th, 2012, 11:58 PM
I've been wondering about giving my roommate a "hair talk" too, her hair is exactly like you described your sister's, just longer than mine, and instead of wishing her hair would grow she compliments how healthy mine looks...


Why not make her up a basket of hair goodies?
She couldn't possibly be offended by that.

Coconut oil, a TT or a BB, catnip in a cute little satchet, aloe vera gel, some non-metal hair ties, and some recipes, updo diagrams, and LHC hair facts printed on cute little booklets?

Ooh, now I'm thinking of my own friends and family...ideas ideas!



Ooh! Good idea! Those items might be a little hypocritical coming from me, I do use a BBB and some oils, but other than that it's cheapie Suave shampoo and stuff :/

aldasbeke
March 21st, 2012, 12:20 AM
My sister abuses her hair too and I think it's thinner than mine. I have no qualms about giving advice though. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I did and so I will damn well tell her what I know! However, she's 16 and she's gonna do what she pleases: straightening everyday, extensions, black hair dye...

It does seem like your sister is open to tips though and her comments might be a subtle way of saying that she's worried about the condition of her own hair because maybe she has noticed it.

PrincessBob
March 21st, 2012, 12:29 AM
If she has body image issues, do you think her hair may be thinning due to stress or diet change? Just a thought. I really love the gift basket idea. You can use cheapo shampoo and still take great care of your hair. I know a lot of us do it.
But, getting her some hair-positive gifts as noted won't go amiss, particularly if you include cool heat free styling tips and a Tangle Teezer.

PrincessBob
March 21st, 2012, 12:30 AM
And Spin Pins!

Of the Fae
March 21st, 2012, 04:45 AM
Maybe she can join us :p

Nedertane
March 21st, 2012, 07:10 AM
If she has body image issues, do you think her hair may be thinning due to stress or diet change? Just a thought. I really love the gift basket idea. You can use cheapo shampoo and still take great care of your hair. I know a lot of us do it.
But, getting her some hair-positive gifts as noted won't go amiss, particularly if you include cool heat free styling tips and a Tangle Teezer.

Hmmmm, well, that's possible, but I kind of doubt it. I mean, her job as a nurse is technically stressful, but since she enjoys it, she doesn't get much stress from it. She's had stress over other things lately, but they are only very recent. As for diet, she is trying to eat healthier and exercise more, so I don't know where that could go amiss... Erm , she also does kind of drink a lot, and I think that may be causing other health problems (?). I almost feel like I shouldn't say that, but it causes me concern at times. She is going on bariatrics as well, so that may have something to do with it :shrug:.

I hope I can at least show her heat-free curling, although from someone who can barely style their own hair this may be problematic lol.

Nedertane
March 21st, 2012, 07:11 AM
Maybe she can join us :p

Aw, I appreciate the invitation, but she's not really one for online communities :o.

mzBANGBANG
March 21st, 2012, 07:13 AM
Just be careful with how you do it, I've found recently my "advice sharing" has come off pushy to some friends so I've been really watching what I say to people. I just get so excited when my routine starts working that I can't help but share, and in my mind I don't even expect most of these people to follow my advice, I just love sharing! I often forget people aren't "hair obsessive" in the same way I am. I'm hoping after a year of being here my hair will speak for itself. :D

Nymphea
March 21st, 2012, 07:54 AM
Yes, I agree, I think she actually wants a conversation about hair - so give her some starting points, so you can see if she wants to talk about it and how much informations she would like to get.

And a basket full of presents - it's a great idea! Just be sure that you know the specific needs of her hair, and to match them with her own image of her hair.

summergreen
March 21st, 2012, 08:14 AM
It sounds like she would appreciate the advice - I think I would wait for her to bring the subject up again herself though.

melusine963
March 21st, 2012, 01:08 PM
Well it sounds to me like she is inviting the conversation. Next time she compliments you on your hair just tell her what you do, or you can say "Oh I think your hair would be just as long as mine if you stopped heat styling, I know a lot of really fun ways to style hair without heat do you want to try them some time?"
This. If she has body image issues, make sure you don't tell her it looks/feels bad. Just tell her that stopping heat treatments will help it grow.

ravenreed
March 21st, 2012, 01:15 PM
I talk about what works for me. I don't assume it will work for others. My friend has a totally different hair type and we found out the hard way that my routine doesn't work for her. But given that it took me about a year to figure out what worked best for my own hair? Most people are not that patient. If your sister really wanted hair like yours, she would ask, IMO.

coastalnicole
March 21st, 2012, 01:16 PM
I'd only mention a couple tips if she brings it up, particularly if she mentions the healthy condition of your hair.

I've had offensive unsolicited advice on styling given to me before, and it's always been from women who have hair nothing like my own who assume I'm unhappy with how I look (possibly because my hair doesn't look like their own?). So, tread carefully.

spidermom
March 21st, 2012, 01:33 PM
In my experience, the hair talk falls on indifferent ears unless they ask. Even then, people can be in such a rut with their habits that they don't change anything. My sister-in-law actually did ask me for advice about her hair, and I bought her a nice, wide-tooth, seamless comb to go along with the talk. The next time I saw her doing anything with her hair, she was ripping through her wet hair like it was an enemy she was determined to conquer with one of those cheap, close-tooth combs. I kept my mouth shut.

heidi w.
March 21st, 2012, 01:43 PM
Before offering all this wisdom and know how info, I'd ask a simple question. Do you want information on hair care?

And if she does, she'll sit down and pay attention.

If she does, then I'd keep it super brief and the most important info first, such as conditioning, wide tooth comb and a leave-in or oiling, and can she minimize the heat applications?

Also, I'm a big proponet that ponytailing the hair does not help the hair really. It's still loose, hanging down, and getting caught or tangled. If you want it bound and out of the way, then put it out of the way: up.

Maybe ask her if she'd like to know how to do an updo? And teach it to her. Give her something she can achieve in about 5 minutes, that she may actually like. Give her a choice.

Don't focus on criticizing. Focus on the idea that the common longhair problem for every long haired newbie is somewhat oily-ish scalp hair compared to somewhat dry length and/or ends. Everyone has this problem. It's extremely common.

But start with a question. If she doesn't want any help, then there's nothing you can do. Keep it zipped if she says no. She'll get mad at you if you give info that is critical in nature and not readily helpable info that can make a difference somewhat rapidly. It's kind of like a kid approaching an instrument. You don't want to teach them melodic or rhythmic patterns first. That's boring. They want to play a song, so teach her a song first that she can do on her own pretty rapidly without your help. And in the teaching of the song, we learn some technique or a pattern, unwittinly.


ETA1: a lot of folks want info but don't want to sit to "hear" the info. Their eyes kind of glaze over and they become distracted, or they begin to argue with you a bit, kind of interrupting a lot. I assume this is a sign that despite their agreement that they want better hair, they really don't want to hang around to hear the info. IF she's really into improving her hair and her methods, get her to open her own account at a reputable long hair board, such as LHC. Then she can do what you did. Learn on her own. END ETA

heidi w.

heidi w.
March 21st, 2012, 01:46 PM
In my experience, the hair talk falls on indifferent ears unless they ask. Even then, people can be in such a rut with their habits that they don't change anything. My sister-in-law actually did ask me for advice about her hair, and I bought her a nice, wide-tooth, seamless comb to go along with the talk. The next time I saw her doing anything with her hair, she was ripping through her wet hair like it was an enemy she was determined to conquer with one of those cheap, close-tooth combs. I kept my mouth shut.

The last time I saw my mother, she had cut her hair into a nice kind of bob of sorts. And we were gonna go out to dinner, so she combed her hair -- or rather brushed it. And she just shredded her hair. I watched and it upset me a bit, but it's not my head and my hair nor my decision. I sat right next to her with all my length clamped up. And not a single thought given that I may have some info that might help her and save her the pain from shredding through her hair. She IS lucky. She has a fair amount of hair. So she can get away with it, I guess.

heidi w.

becks113
March 21st, 2012, 03:13 PM
I would just maybe start dropping some hints, it seems like she wants her hair to be on better condition, (like yours.) Like next time he says something just say something like "Well maybe if you try trimming, conditioning, protective styling ect. (whichever option is relevant) your hair would start growing a bit faster." or next time you dc or do an
hot oil treatment ask her if she wants to try it with you, make it a girls treat or something, you could do eachothers nails or do a face mask while you're waiting. The hair goodies basket is a really good idea, maybe throw in some 3MM if she isn't up for piling oil on her head yet. Baby steps. (; that's what I've been doing with my sister, she has gorgeous waist-length red/orange hair but she heat styles a lot so the ends are a mess, but little by little I've gotten her to switch to CO, not as much heat, deep conditioners, gentle detangling & she let's me give her trims. Good luck!

heidi w.
March 21st, 2012, 03:26 PM
In my perception, saying out loud, I wish my hair was like yours is not an invite to be told how to better care for hair. It's just a fantasy wish being expressed, and that's it. I wouldn't drop in on that comment and offer up printed out material to read (good heavens! how to bore the pants off of someone) and go into anything that smacks of criticism. She's already feeling frustrated and confused. She doesn't need to hear MORE about what she's doing wrong.

I would still check that she wants suggestions at all.

I generally keep my mouth shut. I just now had someone at the wifi cafe issue me a compliment and then discuss how she once had long hair and then cut it. She's not wanting to know how to grow it long. She's simply sharing, and that's it. In fact, her hair didn't look too hot, but that's her business, not mine. She issued a compliment and that's nice enough. She was a nice enough lady to issue a compliment. Her thing about how she cut her hair is simply a share, not an invite for please give me some help or info.

I'd be really certain she wants to hear what you have to say; otherwise, you're headed towards an argument and creating an impression that could last a long time and lead to resentments.

I don't talk to anyone in my family about my hair. I don't make my priorities their business whatsoever. They don't need my input.

Honestly, if people REALLY want to know how to take care of hair, they can do what you and I did: they can learn on their own time and put in the effort. Short of that, people don't really like hearing about it I've discovered. The exception is if you happen to be at a long hair meeting.


heidi w.

Nedertane
March 21st, 2012, 04:32 PM
Like I said, I don't want to enforce long hair care on her. But she seems to want longer hair, so maybe I can/should help her. I won't say anything until she does, though. :)

Kristin
March 21st, 2012, 04:40 PM
You know your sister best, so only talk to her about her hair if you know she won't be hurt or angry. For instance, my sister complains about her hair all the time, but I knew she didn't want any advice until she called me and said, "What's the oil you used on your hair?" And that was the only question I answered until she asked another. She's just that kind of person; it's entirely possible that your sister is different, though.