Kind of giving up

[ChloeDharma]

I've been giving this alot of thought lately and i've decided to give up my goal of very long hair.
It was hiplength until about a month ago when i chopped it to waistlength but it's still not looking great....although the tangling issue has mostly been sorted out by the chop. But now i'm probably going to cut it back to bra-strap length again and maybe even maintain there. Next time i wash my hair i'm going to take off another inch or two and see how i feel.
It's 4 years in october since i joined here.....and i've gotten to a point where i feel like i'm just banging my head against a brick wall....when i joined i wanted to grow to classic, then i decided terminal....then i decided hip....but in that time i've been growing out chemical damage......but had a thickness i was happy with, then i got ill and loads of my hair fell out and i'm left with a ponytail circumference in the (i) range.
I was seeing a bloke a few weeks ago and while in bed he was playing with my hair and gathered it all together and goes "oh wow, your hair is really thin isn't it!" I'm not offended, and he had balanced it by giving lots of compliments on its colour, shine, softness etc....but this isn't an isolated experience, the same comment has been made by other people too and i'm at the point where i'm actually too ashamed of my hair to let it be seen down. That can't be healthy.

My living conditions are also very much stressing me out, i'm STILL sleeping on my dads sofa, with most of my things in storage, and though i have loads of time on my hands it's really hard to actually do anything because the stress of living like this just fries my brain.....and i think taking the stress of trying desperately to get my hair to just look at all decent and never succeeding is just too much. This is another reason i've not been posting much recently, a) i just can't really organise my thoughts to post most of the time, b) i feel like a fraud giving advice i know in theory but then look at my hair and think "well if you're so clever why do you look like **** then!"

Anyway, sorry went into a slight rant then......but me giving up my length goals doesn't mean i will be leaving.....sorry, you're still stuck with me! :p

[BrianaFineHair]

Don't feel bad, ChloeDharma. To many, many people you still are considered a long haired; yes, even at bs length.

I think having and maintaining long hair should be something we should enjoy. It should not be a chore or something that constantly frustrates.

[naturechild]

I'm glad you are staying I am definitely NOT an authority at all on the length issue but I agree if you don't feel it is your shinning glory any more. You need to do what makes you feel pretty again. Like everything in a persons life you sometimes need to take a step back and get healthy first. Stress is a big issue with my hair if I am overly stressed I loose hair and it looks dull and darn right ucky.

You have had beautiful hair and DO know how to do it. conditions beyond your control have effected that. Your advice will be invaluable here forever.

Be healthy, be happy, start again.
My motto with my kids cutting their hair
"It'll grow, hair does that"

[Raederle]

You have always been the first to jump in and encourage others, and I'm relieved you'll still be around. It may well be that once you get some issues settled out, the stress will recede. The length you're considering is still long, and with your beautiful hair, I'm sure it will look spectacular.

[Silver & Gold]

You're not a fraud or a failure. If I were at place where I was choosing between width (aka: hair thickness) and length I would choose to have my hair looking thicker. I don't know how long that will be for me because my hair is only barely resting on my shoulders right now and I'm growing out layers, bangs and some damage. My growth rate is slowed by the continued need for frequent dusting/trims to balance the hair as it grows but I'm good with that. I want my hair to look healthy no matter the length.

You have pretty hair but if it makes you feel uncomfortable wearing it down you really only have 2 choices. Either wear it up all the time or cut it to a length where you feel it looks good enough to wear down when you wish. Don't feel bad about it. You're only doing what you can. Also, when you consider how long it takes to grow out all the damaged bits you may discover that as your hair continues to improve in health that you might be able to grow it longer at a later date.

At any rate, don't fret it. Just be happy with where you are now. You're a lovely woman.

[wintersun99]

I think that your health is number one, so if you need to eliminate some stressful "things" from your life, then you should! Take care of yourself

[crebbsgirl]

Hi chloe, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're dealing with a lot right now. And in your shoes, I would probably make the same decision to cut. I myself have painfully thin hair and I'm not sure if it is going to look right as it grows out. I'm sending you my most positive vibes, and good luck!! :)

[spidermom]

I'm so glad to see you post CD. I've missed you. I know that if I shed a lot of hair, and it looked straggly to me, I'd cut back to a point where I felt that it looked better. I like my ends even and on the thicker side more than I like length, and I like being able to wear it down. If I thought I had to wear it up all the time, I'd give up on long hair.

Long, short, or in-between, hair only represents a small portion of one's total self-expression. In other words, you are so much more than your hair length. Don't leave us.

[LadyMoon11]

ChloeDharma:
I agree that the journey to growing your hair long - while it can be frustrating at times- should essentially be something that you enjoy. If you are finding it to be stressful and you are beginning to feel uncomfortable with yourself and your hair, then perhaps you should look into cutting it a bit if you feel that will be freeing to you. Perhaps the cut will create a thicker look, and if your health has improved, it may then grow in thicker and you will be able to keep the thickness without the damaged ends.

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time right now. Living in a temporary situation with a lot of uncertainty is extraordinarily stressful, and it can be difficult to feel confidence whist in a situation like that.

I have learned very much from various posts of yours throughout the last few years- you are a very helpful person, knowledgeable and seem to have much insight. Thank you- :)

I do hope that you will be able to make a decision with which you are comfortable, and will help you eliminate some stress in your life- and help you feel more confident and comfortable.
:flowers:

[Pegasus Marsters]

Ok I might make myself unpopular now, I hope this doesn't upset you.

I don't think the problem is your hair, so much as your expectations. You have thin hair, fact. Your hair grows in thin, fact. It happens... some members here have really thin hair, but they still grow it long and it still looks awesome.

You keep expecting your hair to be thick... it's not. And it probably wont be. You can probably use oils and things to encourage growth, and maybe find products that encourage volume and body (Perhaps sleep in braids so you'll get some funky waves when you wake up?) but your hair will likely remain thinner than you would like.

You need to stop battling your hair and accept it for what it is. Modify what you can (Change the colour if you don't like it, add layers if you like them, braid if you want more waves) but what you can't change you need to accept.

I know that this probably sucks coming from me... I have thick hair naturally, as you know, and it basically looks just how I want it to (except it needs more length!) so coming from me it's like "Ugh, that cow has perfect hair anyway". But actually, my hair puffs and frizzes and poofs up all huge... not ideal, i hate the triangle head look. Lots of leave in, combing and styling later I finally get that sleek perfect retro thing going on.

You know, even what you percieve as perfect hair will still have those features that are just a b*tch to take care of.

Stop fighting your hair. Accept it for what it is, instead of trying to make it besomething it's not.

If you really want more thickness, can I suggest you get some wefts of hair and glue them in? I did this for a friend of mine, it took us a half hour, stayed in for like 3 weeks at a time and thickened and lengthened her hair wonderfully whilst still looking very natural. You could even add some funky coloured streaks! :face:

Also, please remember you were sick very recently and that's probably not helping your overall hair health. I'm sure it will thicken up with time, but it needs to be given that time. You also need to take care of yourself... living on your dads sofa is a crappy situation, see if you can find a better living situation as priority. Your hair should not be your priority, your health and happiness should.

[kate46]

Chloe as a fellow thiney I do understand how you feel, at the end of the day it is your hair and you must do whatever makes you feel most comfortable, no matter what you decide, you are a great asset to this community and I am greatly relieved that you will still be contributing. I truly hope your personal circumstances improve for the better soon :flowers:

[bex487]

Sometimes growing our hair long just isn't the right thing for us at a certain stage in life. I recently cut my hair very short because it was the best decision for where I am. Good luck in your choices!

[ChloeDharma]

Thankyou everybody who replied :grouphug:

Pegs, i completely take on what you said, and yes i wont ever have thick range top of iii hair, but i don't want that, i just wanted my thickness back that i had before....which should happen, my shedding is low now anyway. But the reason for my post was more because i agree with what you said and don't have the energy to fight what feels like a loosing battle with my hair when i need that energy to focus on other areas of my life at the moment. You know how i am.....something in my life is going wrong and i just transfer that onto my hair and in some warped way think that fixing that or obsessing over my hair, oils, herbs, supplements...whatever, will make everything ok, of course it never does.
It's funny you mention extensions....i've been thinking about them lately, either wefts or a hairpiece....though for wefts i was thinking clip in so i can still take them out and keep up with my oiling. That's actually become a scalp issue now and i seem to need to do it to be able to wash off my sebum....but that's another subject.

A huge thankyou again to everybody who posted :smooch: :grouphug:

[Pegasus Marsters]

Well, clip in wefts would be way more sensible than glueing, duh. Stupid pegs :lol: I didn't even think of the clip in kind!

[lora410]

I just wanted to say I hope all gets better for you from stress, your living situation and your hair. If you feel a need to cut a little off then that is totally up to you. It doesn't make your a fraud or failure. You need to do what makes you happy :grouphug:

[dorothea-brooke]

I think it makes perfect sense to cut back a bit to the point where you're both happy with your hair in terms of thickness, and don't feel like you're spending too much emotional energy on it.

Just think -- you have the "luxury" to cut back to BSL -- still considered quite long out there in RL -- and it will probably look and feel wonderful. Many of us here at that length still hope to be considered longhairs. :)

Whatever you decide, best of luck, and don't leave! :flower:

dorothea

[Islandgrrl]

ChloeDharma....good to see you!

I'm sorry, though, that you're not feeling good about your hair. I agree with the others who mentioned that the journey to long hair (whatever length you determine) really should be joyful and not stressful! So you need to do with your hair what's going to make you happy. If that means cutting back a bit to a length that feels and looks better to you, then that's what you should do. Just don't do it because you think you should. Do it because it's what you want.

Clip in extensions could be a ton of fun - something I've actually been considering for myself, just to play with different colors as highlights, which I'd never otherwise do. They could make your hair appear thicker while you continue to take the best possible care of it and not causing damage that permanent extensions will inevitably cause.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best, of course! :flower:

[cindy58]

I think I would cut back if I were you, and enjoy it at whatever length that is. You've gone through a lot and faced many challenges. Things often don't work out the way we planned them to. We're entitled to revise and adjust goals to what's right for us.

[JessTheMess]

Hi Chloe,

It sounds like you are more upset with your living situation and that is causing your hair situation. I would keep your hair in updos, so your not constantly worrying about thickness. Pegs had a great idea to maybe invest in some clip ins as well. If you feel that you definitely need to cut, I would trim and inch or so off at a time. I personally tend to take stress out on my hair and seriously regret it later. I think the drastic change is kind of like a way to take my mind off of my situation. It usually just makes me more upset, because I end up missing my hair. However, I am not you, and I am not walking in your shoes, so I don't want to make your decision for you. I am sure that whatever you decide will be the best decision for you. Just remember that you are beautiful on the inside and out no matter what :flowers:

[vindo]

ChloeDarma I can understand your decision, it is important that you feel better first of all and you need to be comfortable with your hair as well. Trim as much as you think is necessary and focus on more important things.
You never know what happens in the future, just let your hair be healthy and it will tell you if it will want to grow longer.

Hope everything goes well for you!

[Tangles]

I looked at your profile picture and I see beautiful hair. And that picture is above or around BSL. I think straight red hair is beautiful and looks great at any length. So trim and enjoy your thick ends!!!

I'm of the opinion that one should never give up any goal FOREVER... maybe put it in different terms... like, someday maybe you will decide to attain thickness at waist through frequent trimming (maybe forget about hip/classic for now). Just my two cents. Never say never, etc.

[FrannyG]

ChloeDharma, if you cut your hair back to BSL it will still be long, still be beautiful, and if you keep it there for a while, your new thickness that you've gained since the shed will catch up.

You are neither a fraud nor a failure, my dear. You've given so much excellent information here on this board. You do know your stuff.

Also, you are not responsible for your shed. No amount of hair care could have prevented something that was caused by your health. The most important thing is that the hair is growing back.

BSL, in the real world is long hair, so even sticking there for a while cannot be construed as a failure in anyone's books. There are plenty of people here at LHC who have a final goal of BSL, because that's what they prefer.

I'm just happy that you are planning on doing something that will stop you from fretting about your hair. If you do cut to BSL, I'm sure that you'll be able to wear it down without being self-conscious about it, and perhaps it will give you some time to simply enjoy your lovely hair and just forget about trying to attain a goal. Perhaps in a while you can revisit and reevaluate your goals, but with all the stress in your life, this just isn't the time.

So glad you're staying here too, hon. :blossom: :smooch:

[Gilly]

Hi CD good to see you again!

Hair is hair, it can be great, it can be a nightmare, one day we will figure out that we can be happy if its short long, thick, thin, black, purple or sky blue!!!

At the end of the day its your hair, I think you are doing the right thing cutting back to BSL as then if you maintain it at that length it will eventually thicken up to what it was before.

You have lots do deal with at the moment and to be dissapointed with the results of your efforts is only going to stress you out even more, a cut and a nice simple easy routine has got to be easier on you hun! :grouphug::flowers:
Take care :flower:

[sexyjacksparrow]

Chloe, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time at the moment.

You have been given some great advice by the others. I agree that if your hair is causing you additional stress right now then maybe cutting a little would be a good thing. Your hair will still be long and it will give your thickness time to catch up again.

Take care of yourself.