PDA

View Full Version : depression and haircuts



HintOfMint
January 4th, 2012, 05:20 PM
I don't know if this should go here, so mods, feel free to move this to the appropriate forum. However, I do swear that this involves my hair.

I think my boyfriend just dumped me. I say "I think" because he just stopped responding to my texts, calls, and emails. It has been a week since I have heard from him. Right now we are on winter break from school and we are in different parts of the country. I'll unfortunately have to see him three times a week once we get back to school. At first I tried to make excuses, thinking maybe it was financial trouble that had him so worried that he just holed himself up and was only consumed with that, but at this point, it's ridiculous. Not even email???

I feel utterly humiliated and hurt. I feel sluggish and depressed and frankly, I hate feeling this. I've felt this a few times in my life and it is crippling as hell. I don't feel like I deal with this type of pain in a normal way and I've always been more emotional than the average person and far more sensitive. I just want to stop putting myself in situations where I get hurt.

I thought I chose this person wisely. He was sweet, supportive, mature, understanding... etc. He wasn't the player or the bad boy, or even the flighty, think-with-his-nether-regions type of guy. He was a bit older and not promiscuous in the slightest. And even someone like this managed to do something so hurtful and inconsiderate.

I just want to give up. I cannot handle relationships, it's just my personality/brain chemistry. I'm not strong enough and the only thing I can do is never have this happen to me again. Every single moment, I feel like sleeping, crying, or screaming abuse. I can hardly get myself off the couch or out of bed. I should never be in relationships because clearly I can't handle them ending.

I want to cut my hair into a pixie. I look beautiful with long hair, and the main reason I have kept it long is to look attractive to the opposite sex. But I don't want to have anything to do with men or relationships or even entertain the thought. I know many women look great with pixies, but I look infinitely better with long hair than I do short hair. So I want to cut it, so I can mentally "take myself off the market" and remove any idea that I will attract someone again.

I don't know if I'm venting or asking for advice, but I just wanted to share. I feel so effing alone.

UPDATE! See the 38th post.

Madora
January 4th, 2012, 05:31 PM
I'm so sorry, HintOfMint, for your situation.

I cannot offer you any sound advice re: feeling so alone because you think your BF has deserted you. But I do know how terrible depression is and how you just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after you.

Please, don't cut your hair when you're feeling so depressed. Don't equate taking yourself out of the picture with wanting to go for a different style. You've enjoyed your long hair and it makes you different, beautiful. I'm not saying a pixie can't be lovely either..but you've spent so much time caring for your hair, it would be a pity to see all that effort go to waste.

At least wait another two weeks before seriously reconsidering cutting it. And if at all possible, find SOMETHING that you enjoy doing and do it.

Wishing you all the best!:blossom:

Renate
January 4th, 2012, 05:32 PM
Please don't cut your hair :( This feeling will pass. Even if the reasons you kept your hair long aren't good ones, think about all the time waiting. Right now it would be a impulsive decision, big chances of regretting later. If you still feel this way, then you should cut it. When you feel good again you might want to feel pretty again and you could regret having chopped off your hair.

XcaliburGirl
January 4th, 2012, 05:33 PM
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Maybe there is an explanation for his behavior, but if not, I hope you feel better about the situation. I'm sure someone who is good at relationship advice can chime in here, but I did want to say to hang in there and I hope you feel better about things eventually.

Give yourself some time before cutting your hair, or try an intermediate step like cutting to APL. If you don't like the pixie, it might just make you feel more frustrated. You should have your hair the way YOU like it. Not to try to attract anyone, not to try to keep from attracting anyone.

laurarvt
January 4th, 2012, 05:34 PM
I'm so sorry. If he is breaking up with you he is doing it in the most cowardly way possible. I think the wanting to cut your hair is a sign that you feel out of control with your life....your hair is something that you CAN control.

Not really the same thing, but my dad died unexpectedly a couple of years ago, and I went to salon and 2 days before his funeral and had my waist length hair cut into a jaw-length layered bob.

Hang in there, and hugs to you. It will get better.

Trish in SC
January 4th, 2012, 05:43 PM
Oh dear, I'm really sorry that you are going through this! I really don't know what to say, but here are a couple thoughts that might be helpful.

It's normal to feel sad. You've lost someone that was important to you. You are also not being respected like a woman should be. It's disappointing that he has not acted like he should, and hasn't responded to your calls.

But after the tears, it's normal to go forward with your life....The life that you love, and it seems like that includes your hair. Don't let him take that away from you! Don't inflict more pain (ie: by chopping to pixie) on yourself because of his terrible behavior.

And fight the inclination to say disparaging things to yourself, like "I cannot handle relationships" or "I'm not strong enough." You are strong enough! Yes, maybe you need to grow in some area, or set up boundaries, but yes, you can become strong and steady and in control of your life....and maybe even someday find a man suitable for you ~ One that will treat you right!

Anyway, like I said, it's hard to know what to say because I don't know you, but I just wanted to try to encourage you at this hard time. Treat yourself gently in the next few days, do things that make you smile, and let your heart recover. Take Care!

Amber_Maiden
January 4th, 2012, 05:44 PM
Please do not cut your hair. From personal experience, and having cut my hair after a breakup, I realize it was the wrong thing for me to do (maybe not so in your case). It just made me more depressed. Think of it like this- look even more gorgeous with your hair, go back to school, flirt with other guys, and find one that will treat you better.

honeyblonde
January 4th, 2012, 05:45 PM
I'm sorry. :flower: Your hair is stunning! I don't think now is the time for major chop! You will more than likely regret it. Remember the two week rule.

fridgee
January 4th, 2012, 05:48 PM
Firstly, I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this. Not even actually telling someone you want to break up is heartless and cowardly and someone who would do that doesn't deserve you.

Secondly, I urge you not to cut your hair at such an emotional time. It sounds like you love having long hair and so you should keep it (or cut it) for YOU not for reasons related to how others have made you feel. I've been through depression and understand how self destructive it can make you feel and how much you want to push everyone away because you sick of feeling that way. Please don't punish yourself for how your boyfriend made you feel by purposely changing your hair to something you don't like. You don't need short hair to take some time for yourself and be off the market. You need to feel like you to feel better and if long hair is 'you' then you should keep it.

Lastly :grouphug:

ericthegreat
January 4th, 2012, 05:48 PM
I don't know if this should go here, so mods, feel free to move this to the appropriate forum. However, I do swear that this involves my hair.

I think my boyfriend just dumped me. I say "I think" because he just stopped responding to my texts, calls, and emails. It has been a week since I have heard from him. Right now we are on winter break from school and we are in different parts of the country. I'll unfortunately have to see him three times a week once we get back to school. At first I tried to make excuses, thinking maybe it was financial trouble that had him so worried that he just holed himself up and was only consumed with that, but at this point, it's ridiculous. Not even email???

I feel utterly humiliated and hurt. I feel sluggish and depressed and frankly, I hate feeling this. I've felt this a few times in my life and it is crippling as hell. I don't feel like I deal with this type of pain in a normal way and I've always been more emotional than the average person and far more sensitive. I just want to stop putting myself in situations where I get hurt.

I thought I chose this person wisely. He was sweet, supportive, mature, understanding... etc. He wasn't the player or the bad boy, or even the flighty, think-with-his-nether-regions type of guy. He was a bit older and not promiscuous in the slightest. And even someone like this managed to do something so hurtful and inconsiderate.

I just want to give up. I cannot handle relationships, it's just my personality/brain chemistry. I'm not strong enough and the only thing I can do is never have this happen to me again. Every single moment, I feel like sleeping, crying, or screaming abuse. I can hardly get myself off the couch or out of bed. I should never be in relationships because clearly I can't handle them ending.

I want to cut my hair into a pixie. I look beautiful with long hair, and the main reason I have kept it long is to look attractive to the opposite sex. But I don't want to have anything to do with men or relationships or even entertain the thought. I know many women look great with pixies, but I look infinitely better with long hair than I do short hair. So I want to cut it, so I can mentally "take myself off the market" and remove any idea that I will attract someone again.

I don't know if I'm venting or asking for advice, but I just wanted to share. I feel so effing alone.

:blossom: and :grouphug: for you HintofMint. Take as many as you need.

I'm so sorry you are having a relationship crisis with your boyfriend, and that he may be sending you signals that he wants to end the relationship. I've been thro countless heartbreak myself, and even though I'm still quite young, I certainly know the kind of feeling you get when you once again get that sharp pain in your gut that happens when someone you shared your whole life and body with suddenly decides to leave you for whatever stupid reason they can come up with. You feel betrayed, even violated because this person who you have shared your soul with and who you have chosen to be loyal to suddenly decides to break that loyalty. You have my deepest thoughts and sympathies, hang in there. :flower:

I will however urge you to please DON'T cut your hair simply because of this impending breakup. In fact, DON'T you ever cut your hair for ANY man or friend or anybody else besides yourself. They are not worth it. Cutting your hair won't bring him back into your life, nor will it really send him or anyone else any message saying "I don't need you in my life anymore." In fact, I would argue that by you cutting your hair immediately in response to the breakup, you are in fact sending him a clear message that he got to you really bad. Why give him that satisfaction?

And above all, why cut off your long beautiful hair simply because this loser decided to leave you? Not that you wouldn't look just as beautiful with a short haircut, but why do that to yourself over him or any other man? You deserve to the right to look at yourself in the mirror and see just what a gorgeous and wonderful woman you are, with the great head of long hair that you (I hope still) have on your head. Take pride in your hair girl! Its for YOU to make YOU look beautiful, eff any man who is too stupid to see that.

And like the old cliche goes, there are other fish in the sea. There's got to be another man who will appreciate you and love you the way you deserve to be treated!:cheese:

Nannanej
January 4th, 2012, 06:02 PM
I'm very emotional myself and have been (still kind of am) dealing with (possibly clinical) depression. I sometimes have a hard time separating "me" from "what I'm feeling right now", maybe you are like that too? Anyway, that means you should really avoid any big decisions until you're more balanced. I understand that you might feel like doing something drastic, but is there really any reason to do it RIGHT NOW? Would doing it make you genuinely feel better, if you really think about it?
The only good thing you can do right now, the only way to move forward AND to ease the current pain, is to be good to yourself. I know it's hard, but if there's any way you can do something nice for yourself, do it. Try to focus on just finding any little things you can that'll make life a bit easier to deal with. And yes, that can be a bit of exercise or some kind of activity, not necessarily ice cream (: I try to live by the phrase (that I kinda think I made up, not sure?): If life isn't treating you well, at least treat yourself well.
You are the only ally you can be absolutely sure to have in life, so be a good one. (alternatively; what advice would you give your best friend?)

I'm sorry if this didn't make sense (english is not my first language) or sounded preachy or cliché or annoying in any way. I know I sometimes get pissed off at people for some of the (well meant) things they say when I'm down.
Oh and also, maybe you could just put your hair up for a while, in some updo where it's very contained and doesn't look like much, if that could give you some kind of temporary satisfaction.
I wish you all the best.

Nannanej
January 4th, 2012, 06:07 PM
Oh and also, that whole "other fish in the sea" thing.. I don't think you need to be thinking about it that way right now. Well, if it helps you of course do it! But I just find that sentence doesn't really make sense when you're heartbroken. At least in my case, that's just not where I am. So in my opinion, if it helps you like it helps me, enjoy that you really don't have to worry about the "other fish" yet.
Sorry if that was obvious, I just wanted to point it out/remind you of another way of thinking (:

Georgies
January 4th, 2012, 06:15 PM
Oh, so well put by everyone. When I was in my 20's I did this, went pixie after a breakup, and bitterly regretted it for months, even years. Though at the time I wouldn't have expected it, I ended up mourning my hair for much longer than the boyfriend, who I barely remember now. Employ the 2 week rule at minimum, preferably more.

When you least expect it, the right person will find you, dear, guaranteed. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, so we are sending warmth and strength over for you in the meantime.

pepperminttea
January 4th, 2012, 06:43 PM
Put your hair up, and forget about it as much as humanly possible. This feeling will pass more quickly than it'll take for a pixie to grow back to hip length (even if it doesn't feel like it right now). You will be okay. :grouphug:

KwaveT
January 4th, 2012, 06:53 PM
I don't know anything about the emotion of breakups since I have never had a GF but I know plenty about the heaviness of depression. My longest episode went close to about three months. I almost always the most prone to depression during the winter months. I would just lay in bed all day while I was home even during my three month episode. When your family doesn't even notice it just adds to feeling. You think nobody cares. I am introvert so I didn't openly talk about it. I almost expected others to notice something wrong with me. It never happened. You definitely need a support system during times like this and I have had no friends through much of my life so it made it harder. That is definitely not the time to be making emotional decisions. Don't cut your hair girl. It is absolutely beautiful. If you like your hair it is just going to make you feel worse. He already cut your heart in two. Don't let him take your hair away from you too. Your hair should be for you not him. He doesn't realize what he gave up. You should take the approach of "I would rather know this now than years down the road especially if you are contemplating marriage at some point." The right person is out there for you.

lunalocks
January 4th, 2012, 06:58 PM
Oh, my poor dear. This happened to me in college, except I had to see the guy EVERY DAY for a whole semester, and with the girl he dated immediately after me. I remember how terrible it was - couldn't eat, sleep, think, barely get through the day. Just know that as time passes, it will get better. You don't need to cut your hair to keep youself safe from the guys. Your heart maight just seal itself off, for a while, while you heal from this experience. There are some things that will help. Be with friends. Let them take care of you, entertain you. You are going through a tough time. Write in your journal. See funny movies. Be active, walk or dance. Just make youself move in some way every day. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of your beautiful hair for you. If you want to cut it, want to because it is for you and for no other reason. Just remember, this too will pass. My best wishes to you.

novemberfoxtrot
January 4th, 2012, 07:06 PM
Oof, been there. Men can be so stupid. (I'm sure women can too, but I've never dated one). I hope it all gets sorted out.

Don't cut your hair right now. Look into a new social hobby, maybe. Salsa dancing? Swing dancing? how about getting the aggression out with some kick boxing? Then when he asks how you're doing you can reply with all the awesome stuff going on in your life.

invisiblebabe
January 4th, 2012, 07:18 PM
I wonder if this book (http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Love-Understanding/dp/0767903366) might help you a bit?

You have beautiful hair :flower:

PixxieStix
January 4th, 2012, 07:23 PM
Oh hun, that sucks big time, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Some things to keep in mind: There is nothing wrong with you. You are the person you tell yourself you are. If you tell yourself you are strong, you will be, and vice versa. It is never too late to become the person you want to be. Eat well, this is very important for maintaining balance in all aspects of your life. Treat yourself, be it a new book, manicure, a walk around a lake, whatever, but treat yourself and make sure to move every day. Make sure to get out of the house every day too, even if it is just to walk to the end of the block and back again. Allow yourself to mourn, to feel the pain associated with this. Then, acknowledge that it is not the end of the world, and instead of working on loving someone else, work on loving yourself.

Above all, please do not cut your hair right now. You love it, have taken care of it , and it has done nothing wrong. Cutting off your hair will not get rid of the part of you that is hurting, nor does it advertise that you are off the market, I snagged my fiance when I was bald. ;)

The last words I will leave you with are these : "In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life . . . it goes on."

tinywife
January 4th, 2012, 07:33 PM
It sounds to me like you're wallowing. You can be strong enough, if you want to.

kidari
January 4th, 2012, 07:36 PM
I'm so sorry about what you are going through. Rejection, humiliation, betrayal, depression are all things everyone can emphasize with. What a coward that he can't even be up front about things... I'm with everyone else that we wish you wouldn't cut your hair for the sole reason that this person hurt you. However, it's your hair and you can do whatever you want with it. Two years ago I was completely hurt and betrayed by my parents. They told me that I can move back in with them and they would completely pay for my school tuition. One day they kick me out of the house and tell me I'm on my own just because I won't listen to them as if I'm their property (telling me to break up with the person I'm with so that I can marry someone they choose for me). I was so upset I chopped off all of my hair. It felt satisfying and liberating to me. I also lost a lot of weight and the process of change helped me rediscover myself in ways I never thought possible. I think you have such beautiful hair though it would be devastating to cut it. Feeling the way you do I would advise doing what my friend does: for some reason she always wears clothes that doesn't show any skin at all and she always has her hair up. It's a mystery to all of us what her hair looks like and why she never wears even a t shirt in the summer... but hey it kind of sends the message that your body and your hair is yours alone and nobody can enjoy it if you don't want them to.

Juneii
January 4th, 2012, 07:37 PM
Well, cutting your hair isn't going to make you feel better about this. Have you heard of being beautiful for yourself? Because if you don't feel beautiful and confident nobody else will think you are either.
Since we don't know for sure why he isn't responding or talking to you we shouldn't jump to conclusions. Is this your first relationship? Don't give up on dating just because you had a bad experience with one guy (or a few, doesn't matter) because there are a lot of people in this world and there is at least one who will make you happy.
Be strong, feel better :grouphug:

Loviatar
January 4th, 2012, 07:42 PM
I will however urge you to please DON'T cut your hair simply because of this impending breakup. In fact, DON'T you ever cut your hair for ANY man or friend or anybody else besides yourself. They are not worth it.

In fact, I would argue that by you cutting your hair immediately in response to the breakup, you are in fact sending him a clear message that he got to you really bad. Why give him that satisfaction?

And above all, why cut off your long beautiful hair simply because this loser decided to leave you? Not that you wouldn't look just as beautiful with a short haircut, but why do that to yourself over him or any other man? You deserve to the right to look at yourself in the mirror and see just what a gorgeous and wonderful woman you are, with the great head of long hair that you (I hope still) have on your head. Take pride in your hair girl! Its for YOU to make YOU look beautiful [...]



HintofMint,

I'm keeping Eric's post in because I wish I had posted on LHC in December, just as you have done now, and allowed someone to reply to me like this.

Short version w/o gory details: I have been going through massive relationship trauma which kicked off in July, peaked in September when I lost my job, then took a turn for the worse in Nov/Dec. The day after I realised I was truly single, I went to a salon and had my hair chopped to a pixie. (And it was 'chopped' - David, although he's nurtured me through growing my hair, was gleeful about giving me a crop!) I liked it for about 3 days. Every time I look in the mirror I wish I hadn't done it, and every time I see it it reminds me of the person who hurt me horribly (Not a BF, I would like to add).

I visit a psychologist regularly due to eating disorder issues and one of the things we have worked out is that when I am upset or angry or depressed I take it out on my body and on my hair. I have wanted long hair for such a long time, but every time something goes wrong, I cut it off. I have done this since I was about 19.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but please don't take it out on your hair, or on yourself. Whatever he has done, it is no reflection on you as a person or you physically. Don't change yourself because he has hurt you.

I second putting your hair up. I find it is very easy to forget about your hair that way. If you want to feel like you're not showing off your gorgeous hair to look attractive, I'd perhaps cover it with a plain scarf/bandana (which doesn't look great on me, YMMV!) or put it in a very plain, unornamented updo. But I don't see why you should make yourself feel unattractive, I really don't.

I also second the social hobby. I am starting Zumba again this year and teaching myself to knit so I can do stitch-n-B..... groups.

ETA: I see from your post on a second reading that it has been a week since you have heard from him. I am sending my hope that he has been derailed by something and hasn't had chance to contact you. It can happen. He may be very apologetic when you get to hear from him (and too right he should be). I don't want to give you false hope, but to some people it is "Oh god it's been a week since I heard from him" and to some people this situation may be "well it's only a week since I heard from him". I hope that he will let you know what is happening, and that positive things will happen for you.

ETA II: I have seen your albums. DON'T cut your hair. It is amazing. :flower:

Sushi144
January 4th, 2012, 07:58 PM
Being new here, I don't know if I'm the best person to comfort you...

But you get my sympathy !
I don't think you should cut off your hair, not for this reason. You're upset now, it's natural, but it's not the best moment to take a decision. For the moment, you should care about you, and only you, not future relationship, or your ex, anything but you.
Eat chocolate, go to theater, call friends, do anything you like to do, but wait to have find back some serenity before taking any decision which could have long-term consequences.

If in a few weeks, when you will feel better, you still think cutting your hair will be a good thing for you (not for men !), then cut.

But for the moment, just take time for you.

Vanille_
January 4th, 2012, 08:03 PM
I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I do things to my hair when something emotional is going on with my life. If my ten year relationship suddenly ended, I bet I'd want a pixie too. It always makes me feel like a new person with a fresh start, when I change my hair.

swearnsue
January 4th, 2012, 08:22 PM
What kind of guy would break up by ignoring you, what a ***(insert appropriate yet inappropriate description here)**! Do not cut your hair. Take good care of your hair and yourself and when you go back to school, you will look gorgeous. Looking good is the best revenge. I'm old, trust me.

Tomoyo
January 4th, 2012, 08:40 PM
What you are planning to do to your hair sounds like the emotional equivalent of cutting yourself to deal with pain. It might alleviate the pressure for a short time, but in the long run, you will be scarred and damaged. Don't do it!

You say that you're worried about attracting men with your appearance and having to deal with the potential for relationships that that might bring. As difficult as it may be, would it not be better to work on being a strong, independent person who can (graciously) say no to a proposition and not feel obligated to get into a relationship again?

longhairedwolf
January 4th, 2012, 09:09 PM
I will however urge you to please DON'T cut your hair simply because of this impending breakup. In fact, DON'T you ever cut your hair for ANY man or friend or anybody else besides yourself. They are not worth it. Cutting your hair won't bring him back into your life, nor will it really send him or anyone else any message saying "I don't need you in my life anymore." In fact, I would argue that by you cutting your hair immediately in response to the breakup, you are in fact sending him a clear message that he got to you really bad. Why give him that satisfaction?

And above all, why cut off your long beautiful hair simply because this loser decided to leave you? Not that you wouldn't look just as beautiful with a short haircut, but why do that to yourself over him or any other man? You deserve to the right to look at yourself in the mirror and see just what a gorgeous and wonderful woman you are, with the great head of long hair that you (I hope still) have on your head. Take pride in your hair girl! Its for YOU to make YOU look beautiful, eff any man who is too stupid to see that.

I completely agree with every bit of this!

holothuroidea
January 4th, 2012, 09:16 PM
If you like your hair and it makes you feel good (beautiful) about yourself, don't cut it. You deserve to feel beautiful because you are human. It is as simple as that, no relationships required.

jacqueline101
January 4th, 2012, 09:29 PM
I did the same thing once and regret it. I hope you don't cut your hair.

OakTreeGirl
January 4th, 2012, 10:48 PM
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I know heartbreak can hurt. I hope you're taking some time to nurture yourself.

As people have already said, making a drastic decision when you're under the influence of strong emotions is not always the best idea. Wait some time. Wait until remembering him does not hurt so much. Wait until you can look back on the breakup as the thing that saved you from being with a heartless jerk. Wait until you feel good about life and can feel gratitude that you're not with a spineless classless coward. Then, if you still want to cut your hair, go for it.

There's something I want to point out. You said you wanted to grow your hair to be attractive to men. And now you want to cut your hair based on the reaction of men. You're still making other people the focus of your appearance. If you are planning to be single for a long time, perhaps it is time to make your own feelings the focus of any major decsions you make. Spend some time thinking about what hair makes you feel good for you, regardless of what anybody else thinks.

ktno1
January 5th, 2012, 01:25 AM
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

18 months ago I went through a similar situation. Although I wasn't aware that I was doing it for those reasons (it was all subconscious), I hacked off all my hair to 2" except for the bangs. I even shaved one side. I loved it for about 6 months and then I realised I wanted my long hair back and was going to have to go through the dreaded growing process yet again. I regretted the cut massively.

The irony of it all was that when I had my hair like that, I received more male attention than I'd ever had in my life.

gillian576
January 5th, 2012, 02:17 AM
So sorry you're having such a rough time. I agree, now is not the time to cut your hair. Take a while to be kind to yourself and gain some perspective. You can cut it later if you really want to but you know how long it will take to grow back if you later regret it.

MonaLisa
January 5th, 2012, 04:49 AM
It is too early to say all those things.
That you don't want relationships/men/your lovely hair..
you are hurt at the moment, and it is normal..but it will pass..
Good times and bad times...it's all for humans..
Stay true to yourself, and try to be stronger.
You've done nothing wrong :)

duchesswannabe
January 5th, 2012, 05:14 AM
In recent years, I allowed people's opinions about my personality and personal life get to me so badly that it will take years for me to get back to what others might perceive as normal. I punished myself and still am to some extent because I never feel "good enough." I have come to the conclusion that I am finally allowing the person I always was to resurface, even if it is perceived by others to be not as optimal or commonsensical as strong, peppy Mrs. X who lives next door, or the devoted mother who lives next to me on the opposite side.

In summary, if you like a thing about yourself, such as your hair, it is yours, not someone else's. Do you want to take away one thing in this cloudy time for you that you like? It is not like you are trying to purchase a Jaguar and it will cost you your life savings. When my DH and I had arguments while dating and I would throw up my hands, he used to ask, "Do you want to get rid of one good thing you have?" And it was true; he was not manipulating me. An argument did not equal deepsixing the good stuff. I know that was a lousy example, using a relationship as a metaphor, but it is a true one.

One thing you can do is take up something that is out of the ordinary for you to do (I don't mean anything dangerous) so that you can have yet another special thing for yourself that is yours and that you like. You don't have to stick with it constantly, maybe lay it to the side, once this episode in your life has passed its ability to upset you. This has always worked for me.

And, P.S., after a breakup I had many years ago, I realized that I wouldn't have done certain things and befriended at least two valuable people in my life had I not had the breakup.

Coffeebug
January 5th, 2012, 12:45 PM
HintOfMint - first of all I'm really sorry to hear that, it's so cold of him to not even be honest with you and tell you it's over properly.

If you cut your hair right now, you'll be doing it because basically you're hurt and you're (rightfully) angry with him. The result of that will be that every day you'll have a visual reminder of that hurt and anger which will only deepen it and make you feel worse.

Also, like you say you'll have to bump into him at school - do you really want him having the satisfaction of maybe figuring out you hacked your hair off because he was a total pig to you? No - you swish that beautiful hair around lady, make him wish he could have you back, and make sure wishing is the closest he ever gets. You deserve someone better.

Celtic Morla
January 5th, 2012, 01:27 PM
I'm sorry you are being treated this way it's painful however do not cut your hair to spite him. I have done this whenever my DH and I have been at odds and it has only hurt me ion th elong run! Just braid your hair plainly and say that is your off th emarket 'do. If you cut it you will depress yourself more.

HintOfMint
January 5th, 2012, 07:50 PM
Thank you all so much for your kind replies! I was feeling so alone and frustrated, y'all really cheered me up and helped me get perspective.

First of all, there is news from him. It turns out there were a series of emergencies and frustrations (that I won't detail here, but don't worry, it's not another woman) that had kept him occupied and holed away in his own worries. This is an enormous relief to me. One of my good friends had an angel boyfriend of hers dump her through silence and my thought was, "well, if that perfect boyfriend can pull something so terrible, what hope is there for the rest of us?"

Long story short, I am not being dumped. I am happy about this, but I am reconsidering our relationship for other reasons that I might articulate on the friendship board.

Second, y'all were right about the pixie being an obvious sign that he got under my skin and serve a completely contrary purpose to appearing uninterested in men's opinions.

To clarify though, my reasons for getting a pixie were this: I have given up on love and relationships so I might as well get a haircut that is only for me and to hell with what men think of it.

This brings me to my next point. Thank you to those who pointed out that I should have whatever haircut I want FOR ME and not for attracting men or for what others want. It is this kind of wonderful irreverence that I hope to master someday. However, getting a pixie in response to heartbreak is the opposite of masterful irreverence.

I am nervous about continuing a relationship with him or with anyone in the future. I feel that I get so emotional and overwhelmed to the point of not functioning correctly that I should not put myself at such risk. I've been heartbroken before and the sheer flood of emotional chemicals and the length of time lost to such emotions is debilitating, and abnormal compared to the general population.

When I say that I don't want to be in a relationship again, I feel like this is for my own good, and not some spite-to-the-wind dramatic statement. For god's sake, my parents want me to consider PILLS. The idea of playing around with some medication to alter my brain chemistry and god knows what else for the sake of having a normal relationship scares me. While I'm sad at the idea of never being with someone again, I'm worried that the only way I'll be able to do so healthily is through medication, and that is not worth it to me.

That is a conversation for another place.

But for now, I am not being dumped, and I am not going to get a pixie, and I am going to enjoy my hair for myself. Thank you all again for your wonderful support.

ericthegreat
January 5th, 2012, 08:47 PM
Thank you all so much for your kind replies! I was feeling so alone and frustrated, y'all really cheered me up and helped me get perspective.

First of all, there is news from him. It turns out there were a series of emergencies and frustrations (that I won't detail here, but don't worry, it's not another woman) that had kept him occupied and holed away in his own worries. This is an enormous relief to me. One of my good friends had an angel boyfriend of hers dump her through silence and my thought was, "well, if that perfect boyfriend can pull something so terrible, what hope is there for the rest of us?"

Long story short, I am not being dumped. I am happy about this, but I am reconsidering our relationship for other reasons that I might articulate on the friendship board.

Second, y'all were right about the pixie being an obvious sign that he got under my skin and serve a completely contrary purpose to appearing uninterested in men's opinions.

To clarify though, my reasons for getting a pixie were this: I have given up on love and relationships so I might as well get a haircut that is only for me and to hell with what men think of it.

This brings me to my next point. Thank you to those who pointed out that I should have whatever haircut I want FOR ME and not for attracting men or for what others want. It is this kind of wonderful irreverence that I hope to master someday. However, getting a pixie in response to heartbreak is the opposite of masterful irreverence.

I am nervous about continuing a relationship with him or with anyone in the future. I feel that I get so emotional and overwhelmed to the point of not functioning correctly that I should not put myself at such risk. I've been heartbroken before and the sheer flood of emotional chemicals and the length of time lost to such emotions is debilitating, and abnormal compared to the general population.

When I say that I don't want to be in a relationship again, I feel like this is for my own good, and not some spite-to-the-wind dramatic statement. For god's sake, my parents want me to consider PILLS. The idea of playing around with some medication to alter my brain chemistry and god knows what else for the sake of having a normal relationship scares me. While I'm sad at the idea of never being with someone again, I'm worried that the only way I'll be able to do so healthily is through medication, and that is not worth it to me.

That is a conversation for another place.

But for now, I am not being dumped, and I am not going to get a pixie, and I am going to enjoy my hair for myself. Thank you all again for your wonderful support.

I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend was not cheating on you with another woman/ sending you signals about wanting to break up with you.

Now about the new turn of events, with you deciding to then end your relationship with him because you feel you are not emotionally and mentally in the right frame of mind to handle a relationship, I really feel that you should talk to a counselor or a therapist first before you do anything else. Where as I will respect any decision you decide to make concerning your life, being that you are so vulnerable right now, you shouldn't do anything that will drastically change your life right now. If anything, you need to surround yourself with familiar people that you know and trust. It sounds like your BF is one of these people, and even if you really think that you should end the romantic relationship with him, I think it would still be a good idea to keep him as a close friend. You need as many good people around you to support you.

And about taking medication, there is absolutely no shame in needing to take it. I'm not saying you even need to take any medication, but if you did then there would still be nothing wrong with you. There are millions and millions of people around the world who have all sorts of medical conditions, and they are taking medications every day to help treat or better deal with their conditions. We all need help in one way or another sometimes, and sometimes that help involves medication.

jasper
January 5th, 2012, 09:07 PM
I am glad I got here just in time for post #38. I was going to say if it was me who failedto contact loved ones, the problem would be forgetting to take my power cords on winter break and not being able to charge the phone or computer! I am glad that you did not cut your hair for emotional reasons resulting from a misunderstanding. I hope you base your hair decisions on what you want, instead of for reactionary reasons. Best wishes!

amanda_the_tall
January 5th, 2012, 09:40 PM
i used to be in your same position, except, i was actually dumped. the guy was my best friend all through high school, then dumped me one month before college started. i did think i wasn't capable of being in a relationship anymore. i did think i couldn't handle another heartbreak. i did think i couldn't trust or be interested in any guy after that. but guess what, time changes things. in fact, i've been let down twice since then. i guess my advice is, try to talk to someone about where these feelings of anxiety and depression stem from. i too struggle with trying to please others, and also being an overly sensitive person. maybe he isn't the right person for you, but life is going to throw you curveballs in any situation. growing up with a bipolar/anger issues father has taught me that although you can get overwhelmed sometimes, running away (or storming off) every time you get upset is really going to stunt your progress through life. you have to just take the time to step back and analyse what you want from life, because if you give up on the dating scene, what's going to stop you from giving up on other things? don't write off the game just because the first pitch wasn't favorable. you're as strong as you make your mind up to be! sometimes it takes a while to put yourself back together, but you can do it! <3 best wishes

Friesiangirl
January 5th, 2012, 09:41 PM
An excerpt from my blog on the same subject:

"Physically and emotionally.

So much stress. It's not even a joke, this sort of stress is what makes me relapse into my eating disordered habits. I chopped my hair, dyed it, started starving myself.

What does that do to me? What does it mean? That I am stressed beyond repair.

At least I dyed it with manic panic, so it should fade. Also, I'm addicted to my hair straightener. It's the best thing ever to tame my insane curls. But I think I am going to hide it far far away. It's doing nothing but damaging my hair.

Just like I am doing nothing but damaging my body.

So I moved. In one day, I just moved. See, the power got cut off in my previous place due to ridiculous roomates. So I cut myself from that and moved with my boyfriend to an outlying town. It's nice here, but different. I get the short stick of the deal for only one reason--it makes me completely dependent on him for transportation. Hopefully all goes as planned.

So yup. Starting over, again, with my hair. When will I learn?"

... I am the exact same way hun. It's just another form of taking it out on ourselves-- think twice before doing it. We're here for you!

Hayley