Comment from FIL....

[Amber_Maiden]

My FIL stayed over last night. I went about my hair routine as usual.

I was measuring my hair, chatting on LHC, and he wanted to know what I was doing.

I explained about the board and my hair aspirations, and my husband measured my hair for me.

His reaction was... Interesting, and surprising for a hippie.

According to him my hair is too long already (It's only at waist... Not long to me at all). :confused:

According to him I should be doing better things with my time than being on this board connecting with people like me.:( Have I mentioned I don't have very many RL friends who get this part of me? None to be honest...

According to him, growing my hair to hip is way too long for a mother.:confused:

AM MAD. :mad:

WHY CAN'T THIS FAMILY JUST ACCEPT ME????!!!

[Cainwen]

:Hugs: I'm sorry your in laws are being such a pain in the neck. I don't know what problems they have, but remind yourself that they are their own problems and are *not* a reflection of you.

You will no doubt make a stunning mother in the nursery school yard in the near future :)

[Amiblue]

I know how it feels. My in-laws are awesome, it is my OWN immediate family that doesn't get it. They say shoulders is long enough. APL to BSL gets a WHOA!!! Isn't your hair needing to be cut?!?!?!? :disgust: That is when this :luke: starts. While I wish I could get them to just nock it off and take me for me, it won't work. So, from me to you, you are lovely, your hair is beautiful, I love that you want it to be longer and think that is awesome and even better that the person who's opinion matters the most - your Husbands - is behind you; and with your in-laws, no use :horse: . :D

The best smileys are on this site!

[Amiblue]

Plus, I have your Mommy back to because I am also one to little ones. When my first was born, my Mother said it was time to get a more reasonable "short" hair cut to be easy to maintain. Yeah, right. How is hair too short to even put in a pony tail easier to deal with??? I'll take the long hair and buns, that you.

[spidermom]

I think longer than BSL is too long is most of the public eye.

[moxamoll]

My out-laws drive me crazy too, although religion is the basis of our conflict. I'm fortunate 'cause they drive my DBF just as crazy (well, for some weird definition of fortunate anyway :p) I have no advice for you but you have my total support and sympathy!

[MsBubbles]

Unfortunately this is why, over time, I have learned to just not share my personal stuff with anybody other than a select few. A very select few. Some people think they can heap judgment on you if you share stuff with them. I keep it to myself, mostly.

[Macaroni]

I'm always amazed at the negative, UNSOLICITED comments from strangers and family on this board.

I think I'm prepared for them in my future and plan on smiling and saying "Interesting."

[jojo]

^^ this! I keep my goals to myself, its easier than the prejudiced remarks!

[Snippety]

I had a lot of people saying similar when I was planning to have my son: "You won't be able to have all that hair when you've got a little one" etc. What nonsense ! don't let them dent your confidence.

[Amber_Maiden]

:grouphug: Thank you all, you guys always know what to say... you're all such amazing people...

[Aqua Gal]

I have some scary in-laws. So sorry that happened to you.

[KwaveT]

I deal with this sort of thing from just about my entire family. That is why I have kept my goal length from them. More they know about what I am doing the more that I get belittled. I got my mother calling my hair sissy hair in front of the entire family just because I want to grow it long. They will find out when everybody else finds out because I have only told about three different people so far.

[Anje]

According to him I should be doing better things with my time than being on this board connecting with people like me.:(
Because *GASP* a person should never have friends or connections who have similar interests to themselves!

[Aliped]

You will no doubt make a stunning mother in the nursery school yard in the near future :)

This ^^.... :) and when your kids grow up, they will remember your beautiful hair as one of their first memories!

[DakarNick]

My dad doesn't like my wife's hair either. He's always preferred short hair on women. My mom had long hair growing up but its been short since I remember. Probably because my dad likes it short. Seems he always makes a comment when we visit. I ignore him or say something back to him.

Speaking of mothers with long hair, I saw a female employee at the DMV carrying a baby and she had blonde, hip-length hair. Automatically cutting hair short when one has a child is the norm, it seems, like the stereotypical thing to do. It doesn't need to be.

[ibleedlipstick]

This is *exactly* why I don't share anything that isn't completely necessary with anyone, unless I'm trying to shock the poo out of them.

People love to have something to judge, and I try to avoid giving them ammo. It annoys them, and I win. I'm not a very nice person :p

[honeydippedxo]

I think it's so weird how people think long hair extensions are ok but having long hair that's real is some how "too long". W.E

I'm sure your FIL isn't so perfect looking himself so bah! Don't mind his rudeness. Your hair is beautiful. If you cut it, I'll cry. C:

[honeydippedxo]

Also it pisses me off when people say when you're a mother you can't do this and you can't do that. Mothers are simply women who were gifted with a baby. We're still adults who make our own decisions and can do what ever we please. As long as our kids are happy, healthy and safe no one should be worried about what US MOTHERS are doing.

[UltraBella]

It's definitely annoying, but I wouldn't let it upset me. You don't need his approval and what he "thinks" changes nothing. Just hit the ignore button in your brain and keep on doing what makes you happy.

[MonaLisa]

People say things... You can't like all that you hear..It's their right to have an opinion, and some of them have that kind of personality, to feel free to say it to you..
I don't see much harm done - don't let it get to you or upset you..

He said his thing, you say yours and end of discussion :)

[C.H.]

Haters, they're everywhere. Hey, as I see it you were being really open and cool by being willing to share one of your interests and dare I say passions with him, and if he can't appreciate that, well, he's just lame.

[longhairedlady]

Sounds like he just wants to gripe about anything you like!

[alwayssmiling]

I'm between APL and BSL - my mum says "you need a hair cut" all the time. When I say I'm growing it she pulls a face. My OH, on the other hand, faithfully measures my hair every month, comments on how healthy it is, never complains about the amount of money I spend on products, and basically encourages me on the the next stage. As a close shaven haired man, I've no idea how he "gets it" but he does and never belittles it or considers it shallow or vain. Some get it some don't I suppose.

[Fluffy01]

Aww I'm sorry he's being such a dork about your hair. :( I think a lot of it has to do more with how people were raised more so than what they think about you personally. Even though the attack is personal....they are probably just dealing with some unresolved childhood issues. :lol:

For example, my MIL had hair almost to her waist when I first met her, and she had 5 kids. So I think that it got that way naturally just by neglect if you will, but she's also conservative and from a Christian background where long hair on older women is more accepted. Then you've got my mother who fondly remembers her grandmother having hair that brushed the floor while she was swinging on the front porch swing. So I think if my hair ever got to be that long, she probably wouldn't have a problem with it just because that's how she grew up too.

Hope this gives a wee bit of insight. Keep on growing! :puppykisses:

[embee]

For my second child I cut my hair. Big Mistake. It didn't help one darn bit, I looked awful, couldn't keep up with the trims, just generally looked shaggy and unkempt.

Some people just gotta say something snarky. I like UltraBella's "ignore button in your brain" idea.... will remember that and use it myself sometimes! :)

[duchesswannabe]

Unfortunately this is why, over time, I have learned to just not share my personal stuff with anybody other than a select few. A very select few. Some people think they can heap judgment on you if you share stuff with them. I keep it to myself, mostly.

Totally learning this the hard way. Getting it, though.

[duchesswannabe]

I think longer than BSL is too long is most of the public eye.

Well, maybe the public eye needs glasses!!

[jennescence]

I know how you feel:( They criticize me for oiling my hair and only washing it once a week. Funny thing is, they are all balding even the women. I must be doing something right lol seeing as i have the thickest hair in the house.:eyebrows:

[Amber_Maiden]

Thank you everyone! :) You're all making me feel better and helping m calm down:)

[bluegirl]

Aren't people odd? I'd have been surprised, too, given what you say about being a hippie. :) I'm sure it's frustrating. Maybe he just believes the social myth of not being able to take care of long hair when you're a mom? Or maybe somehow he thinks that you look younger and that's not appropriate? :shrug: Sorry to hear that it's family saying that to you though.

[florenonite]

This is why my fiancé is the only person IRL who knows I'm on here. A few of my friends know I'm actively growing my hair, but for the most part I just keep it to myself. It's easier than trying to explain it!

[Fairlight63]

My daughter has always had long hair since she got married. Her hair is waist length & she has raised 5 kids ages from 18-8. When her children was young she would put her hair up in a high pony tail & she looked just beautiful! So saying that when you are a mother you need to cut your hair short is just plain ridiculous!
I had short hair when my children was young, you have to keep going to the hair salon to get it cut every couple of months. Set your hair all the time or your hair is flat. I now have hip length hair & it takes me no time to wash it & put it up.

I say when your FIL says anything just smile & say OK. The hard part is your feelings, for that part hit the ignore button, :)

[slz]

Haters gonna hate (http://x36.xanga.com/7c9f926064630277304470/m220928707.gif) !

[moxamoll]

I just find it weird that in today's world, the thing people are going to focus on is the length of your hair? Seriously? There's nothing more important for them to concern themselves with?

Some of the comments that people here post that they get from others just make my jaw drop. I have never had anyone comment to me anything negative about the length of my hair - regardless of what length it was! (I think this probably puts me in the minority, but hey, I'll take whatever blessings I can get!)

I think your FIL needs to get a life - it's totally his problem, not yours!

[RitaPG]

This reminds me of something I read on LHC, actually
http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1710754&postcount=8
it helped me a lot in dealing with people who insist that my hair needs to be cut.

Also, parroting is quite popular in assertiveness training. You choose a one sentence answer that can be used in any argument, and repeat it every single time someone mentions your hair.

[HereIGrowAgain]

Also, parroting is quite popular in assertiveness training. You choose a one sentence answer that can be used in any argument, and repeat it every single time someone mentions your hair.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, both to your FIL and for when your MIL starts in on the food thing.

For me, when someone says something rude, I have a specific pattern to dealing with it.

Step 1 - the first time, I look at them with a shocked expression (like "how could you say something that rude???), and say something to the effect of "Wow, well, I like it, and I enjoy it, so I'm going to continue doing what I like."

Step 2 - the second and third time - say something like "Didn't we already talk about this? I thought I told you that I like it, and I enjoy it, and I'm going to continue to do what I like."

Step 3 - any time after that "Why are you still talking about this? You know how I feel, and I know how you feel. At this point it's starting to seem like you are just trying to hurt my feelings or otherwise make me feel bad about myself. I can't understand why you'd do that, and I want you to stop."

Step 4 - if they really don't get the hint, as soon as they start to talk about it, I hold up a hand, say "Nope, no more" (firmly, and not quietly (not yelling, either, just so that it becomes clear that I'm not going to let them harass and abuse me and be whispery about it), turn around, and walk away. No matter who else is standing there, no matter what is going on (I don't care if it's a family portrait session, WALK AWAY), and I don't come back for a long time.

I really think you're going to have to get some super-firm boundaries in place before your little one is born, because these people do not respect you at all. Ok, perhaps they do... but they are not polite. Your little one will see them treating you that way, and will allow themselves to be treated that way (by not thinking it is out of the ordinary, and then they won't tell you if someone is being mean to them and hurting their feelings).

Ugh. What a not-fun situation!

[Amber_Maiden]

Haters gonna hate (http://x36.xanga.com/7c9f926064630277304470/m220928707.gif) !

hhehe!!!! love ponies! :D:pegasus:

[Amber_Maiden]

This reminds me of something I read on LHC, actually
http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1710754&postcount=8
it helped me a lot in dealing with people who insist that my hair needs to be cut.

Also, parroting is quite popular in assertiveness training. You choose a one sentence answer that can be used in any argument, and repeat it every single time someone mentions your hair.

I think I'll practice this... for sure.

[Amber_Maiden]

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, both to your FIL and for when your MIL starts in on the food thing.

For me, when someone says something rude, I have a specific pattern to dealing with it.

Step 1 - the first time, I look at them with a shocked expression (like "how could you say something that rude???), and say something to the effect of "Wow, well, I like it, and I enjoy it, so I'm going to continue doing what I like."

Step 2 - the second and third time - say something like "Didn't we already talk about this? I thought I told you that I like it, and I enjoy it, and I'm going to continue to do what I like."

Step 3 - any time after that "Why are you still talking about this? You know how I feel, and I know how you feel. At this point it's starting to seem like you are just trying to hurt my feelings or otherwise make me feel bad about myself. I can't understand why you'd do that, and I want you to stop."

Step 4 - if they really don't get the hint, as soon as they start to talk about it, I hold up a hand, say "Nope, no more" (firmly, and not quietly (not yelling, either, just so that it becomes clear that I'm not going to let them harass and abuse me and be whispery about it), turn around, and walk away. No matter who else is standing there, no matter what is going on (I don't care if it's a family portrait session, WALK AWAY), and I don't come back for a long time.

I really think you're going to have to get some super-firm boundaries in place before your little one is born, because these people do not respect you at all. Ok, perhaps they do... but they are not polite. Your little one will see them treating you that way, and will allow themselves to be treated that way (by not thinking it is out of the ordinary, and then they won't tell you if someone is being mean to them and hurting their feelings).

Ugh. What a not-fun situation!



Thank you HereIGrowAgain... I really need to start standing my ground with these people... They are seriously starting to interfere in my husband's and my relationship, because I get so upset at his family... I know it's not fair to him to have to tell him how much I'm hurt by their behavior... :(

[C.H.]

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, both to your FIL and for when your MIL starts in on the food thing.

For me, when someone says something rude, I have a specific pattern to dealing with it.

Step 1 - the first time, I look at them with a shocked expression (like "how could you say something that rude???), and say something to the effect of "Wow, well, I like it, and I enjoy it, so I'm going to continue doing what I like."

Step 2 - the second and third time - say something like "Didn't we already talk about this? I thought I told you that I like it, and I enjoy it, and I'm going to continue to do what I like."

Step 3 - any time after that "Why are you still talking about this? You know how I feel, and I know how you feel. At this point it's starting to seem like you are just trying to hurt my feelings or otherwise make me feel bad about myself. I can't understand why you'd do that, and I want you to stop."

Step 4 - if they really don't get the hint, as soon as they start to talk about it, I hold up a hand, say "Nope, no more" (firmly, and not quietly (not yelling, either, just so that it becomes clear that I'm not going to let them harass and abuse me and be whispery about it), turn around, and walk away. No matter who else is standing there, no matter what is going on (I don't care if it's a family portrait session, WALK AWAY), and I don't come back for a long time.

I really think you're going to have to get some super-firm boundaries in place before your little one is born, because these people do not respect you at all. Ok, perhaps they do... but they are not polite. Your little one will see them treating you that way, and will allow themselves to be treated that way (by not thinking it is out of the ordinary, and then they won't tell you if someone is being mean to them and hurting their feelings).

Ugh. What a not-fun situation!

This is so useful. I feel like I need to bookmark it or something.

[teal]

According to him, growing my hair to hip is way too long for a mother.:confused:

"Well, I'm not here to decorate your world."

Not my quote - another LHC member's - but it fits!

Edit: Who originally said that?? It's great!

[moxamoll]

This is so useful. I feel like I need to bookmark it or something.
Me too!

I agree - you really need to set some boundaries, or this is not going to end well.

[lapushka]

I wouldn't have shared something like that with my FIL, I don't think, but you did and he most obviously has his opinion on your hair now. I wouldn't let it get to me, if I were you, but in future? Don't share stuff as intimate as this with your FIL. How you wear your hair, what clothes you wear, how you do your make-up, what have you... is none of his nevermind! It's not as if you need his approval!

[heidi w.]

You can't control other people's comments, opinions and behavior. You accept you and call it enough, I recommend. He may be of an era and age where this internet stuff is a bit alien to him. Introduce him to Angry Birds. He may change his mind, eventually.

My Grandfather felt the same way.

Whenever I have guests or am a guest in someone else's home (family or otherwise), I try my best to not make my hair care known and a public action. It's a bit personal to watch detangling and hair sloughing about. Some people get upset by it.

Also, if he was a guest, he may have wanted a bit more attention. He has a viewpoint and just an opinion, just like you. If he's otherwise a good person, that's pretty good on the scale of human behavior.

I say, let it go, let him be him and you be you. And try to work on the project of not overly internalizing such comments and attitudes. This is how one avoids over-personalizing stuff.

Even though he may hold a contrary opinion than you it does not necessarily mean he doesn't accept you. We all accept people, more or less, and yet, we all hold opinions about other people's behavior, comments and choices. Personally, I try very hard to stay out of all that and find life ever more peaceful for it. It's really none of my business why someone else does what they do.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. It will become apparent in time that all this fussing about being accepted kind of dwindles as we get older and become more confident in our selves. It's just one of those things that takes time and practice.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Me too!

I agree - you really need to set some boundaries, or this is not going to end well.

Setting "boundaries" with a Father-in-law can be very difficult as this is an individual that ranks among family, although not the brides (OPs) direct family. The husband's family. The goal is to get along. Whenever we set boundaries it is not done by yelling or confrontation. It's done as pleasantly as possible so as not to upset the relationship overly.

heidi w.

[HereIGrowAgain]

I'd tell him (your hubby) your plan to deal with it. Get him to agree to parrot your response. That way, when they come to him to complain about you, they'll hear him say the exact same phrase that you said. This will give you a united front, and will make it clear (eventually) that they cannot come between you two. Right now they feel like they can say things to you that hurt your feelings. Perhaps they don't know they are hurting your feelings? Some people have a skin so thick that they can hear all sorts of things but not really HEAR it, you know? Then again, perhaps they are just such negative and controlling people that they can't (won't) keep their mouths shut? In either event, you'll have to train them on how to treat you. That may sound mean, but really, they are training you on how they can treat you, so it's time to turn the tables.

I'm sure it's hard for your DH to hear about his parents making you sad, but he really has to stand up for you. They can't keep giving you a hard time. If nothing else, he can start small with this and say that he will not tolerate them stressing out the mother of his unborn child.

He can ask them how they would feel about not being perceptive enough to not disturb the delicate process of creating human life, and how would they feel if anything with the pregnancy got complicated because of stress? In a word: GUILT!

Ultimately, extended family is extended family. You chose your husband, not them. In the end, if they don't knock it off and learn to be kind, you can write them off, and cut them out of your life. Seriously, it's not too much to ask that someone be nice and polite. Good grief, surely they've heard that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all, right?

[moxamoll]

Setting "boundaries" with a Father-in-law can be very difficult as this is an individual that ranks among family, although not the brides (OPs) direct family. The husband's family. The goal is to get along. Whenever we set boundaries it is not done by yelling or confrontation. It's done as pleasantly as possible so as not to upset the relationship overly.

heidi w.
Well, I wasn't suggesting yelling or confrontation. I was agreeing that the steps outlined by HereIGrowAgain looked like a good balance between being bullied and maintaining your own comfort zone. I spend all my time with my DBFs family triple editing everything that comes out of my mouth because they are easily offended. Never mind that I find some stuff they do offensive - because they are highly religious and I (to their minds) am not, then their opinion wins. And I haven't tried to change that, because logic isn't involved in that part of their thinking, so there's no way I can win. (And no I'm not saying that all religious people are like that - just that it's a trait of this particular family!)

What was my point? Oh yeah! Maintaining as good a relationship within an extended family is important, but not to the degree of allowing others to dictate your life. Which is what it seems like this MIL and FIL are trying (deliberately or not) to do (from what we've been told.)

[Amber_Maiden]

Well, I wasn't suggesting yelling or confrontation. I was agreeing that the steps outlined by HereIGrowAgain looked like a good balance between being bullied and maintaining your own comfort zone. I spend all my time with my DBFs family triple editing everything that comes out of my mouth because they are easily offended. Never mind that I find some stuff they do offensive - because they are highly religious and I (to their minds) am not, then their opinion wins. And I haven't tried to change that, because logic isn't involved in that part of their thinking, so there's no way I can win. (And no I'm not saying that all religious people are like that - just that it's a trait of this particular family!)

What was my point? Oh yeah! Maintaining as good a relationship within an extended family is important, but not to the degree of allowing others to dictate your life. Which is what it seems like this MIL and FIL are trying (deliberately or not) to do (from what we've been told.)

I definitely wouldn't yell at this or anything like that. By setting boundaries I'll probably just let them know, the next time they say something, that they have hurt my feelings while giving them "the Look", and telling them the topic is not up for debate or discussion any longer. That tells them I won't be stepped on any longer and won't be treated disrespectfully.

[heidi w.]

I may well be picking the wrong thread to posit this idea in, but here goes anyway. So very many times we hear these threads that some family member or friend is whittling away at us somehow, and then we all get in there and offer support and suggestions.

Now, admittedly, I'm not in the OPs family and have no idea of the dynamics or whatever has gone before. Yet, it seems to me so very often in these puzzles that the OP is speaking about themself and relating via third party (sort of) what somebody none of us have contact with did, and offer suggestions for resolution.

Most of the time, I'm about attitude. I find that when one is younger, it's easier to personalize stuff; when older, not quite so much because we've had a lifetime of people and their ways.

I wonder that a middle step before actual action could be undertaken on some level. Such as trying to see the problem from their perspective, even if we still disagree with their position and attitude and so forth. Why do I suggest this? Because it can offer a LOT of insight, often, more often than not any, as to how to approach resolving the problem.

When we just go into action without thinking of the thing from their perspective, such as the idea this man was visiting and may have in part been responding out of a desire to have some attention paid to him somehow (perhaps, I mean if I were a guest and didn't have long hair and know about these online forums, I'd be kind of weirded out to be watching all this stuff around a person's hair, including hair measuring, and think it kind of odd a bit, and kind of look at it like, what is this person's priority system? I mean, honestly, as a guest, I'd wonder a bit, given those circumstances of lacking familiarity with the subject. I'd have a hard time getting it.).

I just wonder that going in a bit softer than I'm not gonna take any crap from anyone might have a better result than hardcore attitude of I'm not gonna take any crap.

I just think that more and more it seems to me that socially speaking, we too often neglect to understand an issue from the other side, another perspective, another viewpoint, and when we do, it can kind of change our approach and in fact create resolution than being so hard core, cuz so&so deserves it cuz they were nasty to me.

Just a thought to consider. The OP knows this person best and likely has some information on a better approach than an attitude of I'm not gonna take any crap. I would argue that that kind of viewpoint is a last resort approach after you've tried other things.

And frankly, it's not overly critical that he enjoy your hair as much as you do. It's not his head, his hair, his life. It's yours.

Generally as it concerns issues around In-laws, I tend to think that the child of that union is responsible for handling the problem. In this case, it's hubbies' family, not yours directly, and going in and cutting off at the kneecaps in some format is probably only going to create more tension and adversity than real understanding and a happy community.

Just an idea, anyway,
heidi w.

[heidi w.]

I definitely wouldn't yell at this or anything like that. By setting boundaries I'll probably just let them know, the next time they say something, that they have hurt my feelings while giving them "the Look", and telling them the topic is not up for debate or discussion any longer. That tells them I won't be stepped on any longer and won't be treated disrespectfully.

I would be reluctant to share that so&so hurt my feelings ETA: directly with so&so END ETA, specifically, although in some circumstances I might. I'd probably just stick to that this is not a subject that I care to discuss. I'd make it an I statement, belonging to me. Much harder to attack.

I don't know this man. I don't know what he's like or anything about who he is. Some people you have to be careful what you share with, and frankly, for quite some time, I have known NOT to share my hair ideas/knowledge/info with those in my real life as most do not welcome it. In fact, most folks that know me personally have no idea how long my hair really is.

This goes for dating (sure, I'd eventually share, but it would not be the first thing I share), in-law relationships, friendships, and work relationships. You'd be surprised how much of a target having unusually long hair makes one. I've been in just about every scenario possible around my long hair, and I just eventually learned, keep it to myself. Makes things a whole lot easier and smoother, relationship-wise.

heidi w.

[HereIGrowAgain]

In general, I agree with Heidi, above.

He could have been seeking attention. Although, I think that if someone was asking about something, and then found out that it was a particular interest the person had, then they shouldn't say anything rude about it. It's not like he was contributing anything helpful, and I don't know any conversation that is helped along by disparaging remarks.

That's why I first try to approach something that hurts my feelings as an "oh, they didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but this is something that I'm not going to change, and I don't want to debate it" kind of thing, and not go straight to anything snarky.

With OP, from other posts I've read, her MIL is veering towards abusive to her (giving her foods she cannot eat due to allergies, and telling her that they don't contain ingredients that the MIL knows she is allergic to; trying to change her from being vegan, etc), and now FIL has hurt her feelings.

I'm getting the feeling that OP has been trying to be nice, and has been trying to be gentle, but the people around her aren't getting it. It can be difficult for a non-assertive person to say assertive things to people they don't want to offend. For me, the only way I can deal with a person I care about if they are hurting my feelings, is to follow my little step plan. The reason it works for me is because I always assume the first comment would not have been made in such a harsh manner if the person had known it would hurt my feelings. If they bring it up again, I can assume that they don't realize they are being harsh. If it keeps coming up, I can let them know they are hurting my feelings, and ask them to stop. If they won't stop, and breaking off contact is not possible, then I force them to stop by not sticking around to listen to it.

I don't suggest that OP be mean, but I stand on my opinion that the super-nice, super-gentle way she has been handling her in-laws is not working.

Unfortunately, OP has also indicated that her hubby has a hard time standing up for her to his parents. Good lord, the man used to call his mother while they (hubby and OP) would be having a disagreement, and make her talk to his mom! OP has also indicated that she wishes her hubby would keep their business as more of their business; and while her DH has done so, there is still a ways to go.

[heidi w.]

If hubs, historically had issues with his parents, and apparently called his mother when a dispute arose in the marriage, and put his wife on the phone with MIL, this could be a HUGE CONTRIBUTING FACTOR as to why these parents are relatively non-supportive and critical. The FIL is hearing stuff from the MIL, digested and re-interpreted through her understandings, and not from the wife or son first-hand.

The husband of this OP made a CRITICAL error in involving his parents in their marital disputes, because it would seem he left the thing understand as a problem in the marriage (the understanding the in-laws are left with), and never apparently went about setting things straight. In short, he attempted to bow out of the dispute with his wife and involved unknowing parties, giving the resolution to wife and in-laws, instead of handling his own issues with his wife, alone and by himself.

In general a son bringing relationship disputes into the awareness of the parents when it's a relatively small problem between him and whoever his partner is, is a very eggregious mistake to make because it sets opinions and the course of events under a certain misunderstanding, instead of as a pleasant experience that the parents or in-laws can be proud of. It brings to their minds questions about the person the son or whomever is involved with.

This is a big no-no in relationships in general, whether friendships or intimate relationships, to essentially blast the problem round the world and do no effective cleanup, so that everyone is set straight.

This could be therefore still "infecting" (if you will) the opinion of the MIL and FIL and setting their minds against the son's wife.

This problem therefore of the in-laws and their viewpoints, in my opinion, belongs solely to the purview of the husband to set aright, and that means NOT throwing the wife, this OP, under the bus.

Further, it would seem that perhaps some kind of marital counseling may be in order if this problem persists, where he rather backs away from resolving his own issues; and tends to protect his parents versus his own wife, in matters of misunderstanding. Every time he backs away from his parents or overly involves them, he is effectively betraying his wife to them, and this is an enormous setup for all kinds of misunderstandings amongst the whole group. So some of the issue may have nothing to do with them per se, but rather their misunderstandings of what level they are involved in this marriage.

If the husband needs help in acquiring some confidence and personal strength to deal with his parents, some counseling of some kind may prove effective.

The first thing to know in resolving such issues is to own what belongs to you, and don't pass it off on to others. A Humongous no-no, and can really set the tone of a relationship on the adverse setting that can persist for quite some time, until rectified, somehow. The longer it persists, the more it becomes the norm, and the harder it is to rectify. It's a giant mistake to blast a problem of a relationship around because every person tends to then have an "opinion", and certainly a parent will almost always, no matter the evidence or reality, take their child's side. Try very hard to keep problems contained to the parties it effects, and resolve it between the two parties. This is why marriage is not for the feint of heart, and why it requires honesty and integrity, and can be hard work, even on a good day.

Good Heavens! I really feel for this wife. She's living in a universe of never being understood, and apparently about to bring a baby into the mix. You think there are dynamics now; wait til this baby is born.

heidi w.

[Amber_Maiden]

If hubs, historically had issues with his parents, and apparently called his mother when a dispute arose in the marriage, and put his wife on the phone with MIL, this could be a HUGE CONTRIBUTING FACTOR as to why these parents are relatively non-supportive and critical. The FIL is hearing stuff from the MIL, digested and re-interpreted through her understandings, and not from the wife or son first-hand.

The husband of this OP made a CRITICAL error in involving his parents in their marital disputes, because it would seem he left the thing understand as a problem in the marriage (the understanding the in-laws are left with), and never apparently went about setting things straight. In short, he attempted to bow out of the dispute with his wife and involved unknowing parties, giving the resolution to wife and in-laws, instead of handling his own issues with his wife, alone and by himself.

In general a son bringing relationship disputes into the awareness of the parents when it's a relatively small problem between him and whoever his partner is, is a very eggregious mistake to make because it sets opinions and the course of events under a certain misunderstanding, instead of as a pleasant experience that the parents or in-laws can be proud of. It brings to their minds questions about the person the son or whomever is involved with.

This is a big no-no in relationships in general, whether friendships or intimate relationships, to essentially blast the problem round the world and do no effective cleanup, so that everyone is set straight.

This could be therefore still "infecting" (if you will) the opinion of the MIL and FIL and setting their minds against the son's wife.

This problem therefore of the in-laws and their viewpoints, in my opinion, belongs solely to the purview of the husband to set aright, and that means NOT throwing the wife, this OP, under the bus.

Further, it would seem that perhaps some kind of marital counseling may be in order if this problem persists, where he rather backs away from resolving his own issues; and tends to protect his parents versus his own wife, in matters of misunderstanding. Every time he backs away from his parents or overly involves them, he is effectively betraying his wife to them, and this is an enormous setup for all kinds of misunderstandings amongst the whole group. So some of the issue may have nothing to do with them per se, but rather their misunderstandings of what level they are involved in this marriage.

If the husband needs help in acquiring some confidence and personal strength to deal with his parents, some counseling of some kind may prove effective.

The first thing to know in resolving such issues is to own what belongs to you, and don't pass it off on to others. A Humongous no-no, and can really set the tone of a relationship on the adverse setting that can persist for quite some time, until rectified, somehow. The longer it persists, the more it becomes the norm, and the harder it is to rectify. It's a giant mistake to blast a problem of a relationship around because every person tends to then have an "opinion", and certainly a parent will almost always, no matter the evidence or reality, take their child's side. Try very hard to keep problems contained to the parties it effects, and resolve it between the two parties. This is why marriage is not for the feint of heart, and why it requires honesty and integrity, and can be hard work, even on a good day.

Good Heavens! I really feel for this wife. She's living in a universe of never being understood, and apparently about to bring a baby into the mix. You think there are dynamics now; wait til this baby is born.

heidi w.

Counseling is definitely something I have brought up before with my husband.

[HereIGrowAgain]

Counseling can be a great help. He may need to go to some counseling by himself before ya'll start couple's counseling, though. I would imagine that, if you laid the story out to a counselor, then the counselor would probably recommend that you both do separate sessions, and then later on you can do sessions together to work on the marriage itself.

Ultimately, though, counseling will be useless if he doesn't see the need for him to be there and to change some of his behaviors. A person has to want to change for the betterment of themselves in order for it to work. If they are only going to appease someone else, they won't get anything out of it. The most common thing to hear from someone who is there because they are trying to get someone else off their back is "so-and-so thinks I need it".

I've been there. It can be a very long and painful road to wait for someone to realize that they need to modify some of their behaviors. But, hopefully he can see some of the stuff going on here, and you two can make some progress and start to work better as a team.

[Amber_Maiden]

Counseling can be a great help. He may need to go to some counseling by himself before ya'll start couple's counseling, though. I would imagine that, if you laid the story out to a counselor, then the counselor would probably recommend that you both do separate sessions, and then later on you can do sessions together to work on the marriage itself.

Ultimately, though, counseling will be useless if he doesn't see the need for him to be there and to change some of his behaviors. A person has to want to change for the betterment of themselves in order for it to work. If they are only going to appease someone else, they won't get anything out of it. The most common thing to hear from someone who is there because they are trying to get someone else off their back is "so-and-so thinks I need it".

I've been there. It can be a very long and painful road to wait for someone to realize that they need to modify some of their behaviors. But, hopefully he can see some of the stuff going on here, and you two can make some progress and start to work better as a team.

I agree. I've already tried to get him, for the last couple of years, to get him to go to therapy alone. I think he has to help himself before we move on to helping the relationship. Who knows, perhaps just with him going to therapy it will be enough...