Hair Musings

[Snippety]

https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/168306_10150122107888885_768648884_7935239_6976610 _a.jpg

Ok here I am in 1999 just before I started to grow my hair, and here I am now, having cut it last year from almost knee length to waist length and begun growing it again.

https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/316782_10150378877148885_768648884_10063775_114742 7028_a.jpg

I'm currently in an awful state of indecision about whether or not to shave it off again. I'm a really masculine kind of woman, and don't bother with girly clothes or make up or any such so I feel like my hair doesn't fit in with how I feel inside. I want to be less girly I suppose. On the other hand, all the time I was growing it out I hated looking so kind of "normal", so I know I don't want a mid length cut, or anything that I'd have to go to the hair dresser to maintain.

I feel like the hair has become a kind of Thing, independent of myself that I have to maintain because other people remark on it and like it the way it is. Does anyone else with longer hair ever feel trapped like that ? My husband is supportive of anything I want to do and has even offered to shave the sides of so I can have a kind of "best of both" - has anyone ever done that ?

I'm worried that if I do it I will regret it straight away. When I shaved my head before it was a really happy time for me, and I loved it, but a lot of people remarked on how bad it looked - I got called "spud" a lot, and told I looked like Robbie Williams !

I know only I can decide what to do, but any advice ? Apologies for the strange string of code that will inevitably appear under this post. I can't seem to sort it out, especially since my laptop bit the dust yesterday. Still trying to work on it. Also apologies to those trying to grow longer hair who must think me demented !

[freckles]

Firstly, your hair is stunning. I hope when I say that I'm not adding to the pressure of keeping your hair long because other people like it, but I say this first because: a) it's true. your hair is beautiful. and b) we are a long hair site, we LOVE long hair here, and it is very unlikely you will get many unbiased replies here. Considerate, understanding and thoughtful replies, almost certainly. But unbiased replies? Not likely. Bear that in mind as you read :)

You can be masculine with long hair, and feminine with short hair, and this applies whether you are a man or a woman. You should think about whether you consider your long hair too feminine for you, or whether you are content with your long hair in yourself but feel that in the view of other people you are presenting more feminine than you want to be perceived. Both of these can be a reason to cut if you already want to, and neither should make you cut if you don't want to -- but I'd advise you to 'treat' these problems in different ways. If you like your long hair, but you feel it's too feminine, I'd advise you to have a look at lots of the members here who have long hair that you admire -- whether they're masculine men, or whether they're women whose presentation is more in line with how you see yourself. We have a lot of longhairs here with vastly different 'images'/styles of dressing/interests, so I'm sure you will find someone who shows that long hair CAN suit someone who you can relate to. If it's other people interpreting your long hair as 'feminine' in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you can have a think about what assumptions they're making about you that you don't like, and why, and work out whether you truly have to cut your hair to ward off these assumptions, or whether you can style it differently or change something else in your appearance in order to make them think twice.

Of course, if you DON'T want your long hair, the above is irrelevant. Nobody should have to keep hair against their will! I don't share your experiences about other people wanting me to keep my hair, so I don't know what to say here. Maybe it would help a bit to think about who these 'other people' are, and why you're feeling that your head should have to cater to their preferences? :D Your husband is supportive either way -- that's great. So who are these people who comment on your hair? Are their opinions important? Do they reciprocate by doing their hair how you tell them? Because I think that's only fair :p

I think the worry about regretting it, however, is a sensible one. After all, you can chop hair a lot more quickly than you can grow it back. I would definitely take some time to think about this.

FWIW, in that first picture you don't look at all like Robbie Williams -- or, for that matter, like a spud. Honestly, I think some people just say whatever they feel like regardless of its basis in reality, just for the sake of having an opinion. I'm not immune to this human flaw but I try not to apply it to other people's appearances because that's super rude!

[PeacenQuietGal]

I would keep the hair definately... As you said, it is not a ho-hum "normal" look, but gives you individuality so you don't want to loose that! It is far more flatering than the shaved look IMHO too.

And to play up your androgenous style ( forgive me if I misinterpret your meaning) you could shop for some sexy boots for fall!! And maybe a leather jacket I dunno? Maybe get a feather extension or something?

But try to enjoy your hair withoput becoming a slave to it, or held captive by it. It's so stunning - you could adapt it to your style without becoming "girly"...Long does not have to be ggirly - it could be a strong and bold statement of individuality!!!

[Celtic Morla]

I am a very intimidatng person(all my DD DBF's have been more scared of me than DH and he looks like a pro wrestler!) and have a lot o fmasculine attitudes. I grew my hair for me and I am not ever cutting it gaain because I don't care what people "feel" it should be. I find my attitude has gottne better as I have grown my hair and no longer listen to what people say I "should" do. Even my mum wants me to cut my hair but no way. I have been around enough First Nation people growing up I don't consider hair a feminine expression!LOL. Do what you want but only because you want it not because you feel you should look the way people think you should. If it is a feeling of fem vs mas, look at some of the hot guys on the forums and realize that hair is just an expression of self.

BTW I am jealous of your hair, it's gorgeaous! At first I wasn't sure if you were M or F because you have a very neutral look with short hair!

[teal]

What about a different hemline? Would you feel like your hair is more "you" if you didn't cut it blunt? I'm thinking fairytale ends or another line which has less of the maintained look (even if it is maintained). You can still be masculine with long hair - just ask any of the LHC men! :D

I don't do the girly clothes or makeup, either. Too much work. And I've had a mostly-shaved head before, too.

[heidi w.]

I a m guessing that minus makeup and all that fuss (I don't wear makeup either, except for work lipstick, mascara, and some darkening of my eyebrows. I now look "strange" in my mind when all this color is applied.), that you look better with hair than the former image you shared sans hair.

A non-girly girl can most assuredly have lovely hair. I wonder that you might think this is the best length for you and keep it trimmed at this length, and most days wear it up or in a braid, perhaps. That can keep it out of your way for most things, and you also don't then have to worry about tangles, and all that.

I understand what you mean by feeling trapped by others thoughts and ideas about your hair. I call it feeling trapped by one's hair. It has its own life and provocation, that you feel a bit as though you have to maintain for others more than yourself.

If you want to cut it, that's fine. It's your body and your head; your hair; and mostly, it's your life. I will submit that my opinion is that shaved isn't your best look. It may however be the easiest for you to care for? I wonder you couldn't consider a middle ground such as around shoulder length or BSL length or something like that? Why either/or... and all the subsequent drama.

I am proposing a more middle avenue that may allow more ease for you overall.

I feel for Hope Solo on Dancing with the Stars. She's an athlete and not a dancer, and she seems to not possess much natural finesse in dance. She's a bit robotic-looking. It's just who she is, and she's been well practiced at being a tough athlete, so that's her identity. She feels a bit overwhelmed by all this demand to be "feminine" which the kind of dance she's involved with seems to call for. I'm no expert though, and poor Chaz, being made fun of essentially at critique time (judges) for being like a kind of lump in dance -- they always make fun somehow of his size/weight. I think his rant the other evening on the program was in order regarding the judge's commentary, specifically it would seem, Bruno.

You are who you are, and have to be who you are. Who the heck else are you gonna be? Don't feel trapped by your hair.

Alternatively, you could try your husband's idea and see if that might work for you?

But I wonder that a middle ground might be more reasonable for you?

heidi w.

[AngryVikingGirl]

What about a different hemline? Would you feel like your hair is more "you" if you didn't cut it blunt? I'm thinking fairytale ends or another line which has less of the maintained look (even if it is maintained).
I think it's a good idea. I wonder what kind of masculanity would you like to express? Power, firmness, ease, dynamics or what? Because these things can radiate from your behaviour as well. Hair flowing after a confident and energetic woman can feel pretty powerful. Of course, it's your decision, but, yes, we're a long hair loving community, actually I don't even like very short hair (shaved) on men either...In my opinion, long wavy hair with fairytale ends is something epic and powerful but also pretty female at the same time. I both have a strong masculine and feminine side (sporty clothes or long, romantic skirt and yeah, the Vikings) and like my hair to be able to fit into both styles very well.
It's an interesting thread, I'm glad you started it.

[Maraz]

You have the best 'I'm willing to give you a chance, but if you step on my toes, I'm going to tell you where to go' look on your face in that first pic.

If it happens you need that look when you're out of the house dealing with people who act like idiots, may I suggest a bandana or severe ponytail or braid or hat or similar so you don't lose any of the effect from it? And maybe grow out your bangs if you have those, because bangs will soften up your face. Then you can have your toughness and still have hair to let down when you're home and away from anyone who might mistake you for a softy.

But of course if you look in the mirror every day for months and don't see 'you' even at home, that's a different matter.

[Snippety]

Wow ! I never expected so many fantastic and thoughtful replies ! Thanks to all for your compliments and your wise words. It's great to get opinions from others with long hair, who understand, even if you are all biased for :)

Your replies have really interested me and made me see the problem from a completely different point of view, maybe because the hair is a given. I think feeling this way is in part due to a continuing readjustment from being the breadwinner and provider in our marriage, to being the parent and carer / educator. Although my son is now four, because the first few years of his life were completely taken up with caring for him as a very little boy, I think I've now suddenly got more time to think "hey, who am I now ?" and to kind of panic about having a traditionally female role. So I think my issue is that will other people now assume I'm girlie ?

It's also thrown up the fact that this probably stems from my own misconceptions about what other long haired people are like (my mum's ideas I expect !). I've had a look around the site in the past few days and have been delighted to find the piercing thread for example. I guess I worry that people think "princess / fairy / elven maid / Victorian lady :p whereas maybe it reminds them of First Nation, or Samurai culture.

I do take things to heart too much, both the positive and the negative. My in-laws and friends always make nice remarks about my hair, and when I cut back from knee to waist length even the lady at our local newsagents said "What have you done to your lovely hair ?".

It's been great just to write it down and get these responses, although now I feel faintly ridiculous - "I have nice hair and everyone tells me so - boo hoo !" (blush). I am going to leave it for now, and watch for when I feel uncomfortable and see what else is going on and where else I can make changes, and I'm going to treat myself to some Viper tactical boots and a vintage biker jacket meanwhile :)

Thanks again

[Orangerthanred]

Masculine and feminine are only opinions. Sex/Gender roles are a thing made by society. Who cares if other people think you are 'masculine' or 'feminine', 'girly' or 'tough? Their opinions will only matter if you let them matter.

Anyhoo, you don't have to chop your hair off to look 'tougher'. Maybe some choppy layers or a tightly pulled back ponytail?

[freckles]

It's also thrown up the fact that this probably stems from my own misconceptions about what other long haired people are like (my mum's ideas I expect !). I've had a look around the site in the past few days and have been delighted to find the piercing thread for example. I guess I worry that people think "princess / fairy / elven maid / Victorian lady :p whereas maybe it reminds them of First Nation, or Samurai culture.
I think if stereotypes about the 'kind' of people that have long hair is the problem, LHC is definitely the solution. We are a varied bunch here, in every way -- proof that there is no one 'kind' of person who has long hair!


It's been great just to write it down and get these responses, although now I feel faintly ridiculous - "I have nice hair and everyone tells me so - boo hoo !" (blush).
You have a great sense of humour and this line made me laugh! I hope you stick around, whether you keep all of your hair, shave some, or shave the lot!

Good luck figuring this out!

[ReluctantlyCurl]

I would say that longer hair is more versatile than short or shaved, just in that you can male hair look very plain, even "severe," with something like a low ponytail or simple braid, or you can dress it up and be the most saccharinely feminine as possible.

I've had hair as short as a buzz cut and as long as a bit past waist. I loved having a buzz cut - the drying time was awesome, shampoo lasted forever, etc. But ultimately, I got tired of 2 things. The buzz cut was when I was 13, and everyone was either asking me if I was gay or referring to me as "sir" (no matter how big your boobs are, if you have a shaved head, someone is probably going to think you are a dude; people are pretty unobservant). I also got tired of it b/c it is kind of high maintenance - if you want it to stay that short, then you are going to have to keep cutting it, which I didnt like so much, so it grew to an even more annoying length. I came to like long hair because, yes, it can be warm and heavy and fuzzy, but I have options with it, which I can't say I felt that way about a buzz cut or even shoulder length - I didn't feel "comfortably" long until almost bsl.

Hope you find what makes you comfortable! All I can suggest is trying some different styles first before you cut. But even if you shave again and decide to grow again, you have proven you can do it

[Zesty]

I actually like the androgynous look you have going on with the shaved head -- you can pull that off so well with your facial structure. But I think you should consider what made you grow your hair so long in the first place (and it is beautiful). Will you miss that when you have a shaved head? Will you want to grow it out again in the foreseeable future, and are you ready to go through all the awkward stages again?

That being said, if you want to be less feminine, there have been threads about how to appear androgynous or masculine as a long-haired female. Suggestions have been things like wear low ponytails or regular English braids, play up other aspects of your appearance that can appear masculine, etc. I also think the cap/bandanna suggestion is good, as that tends to have a similar effect to a shaved head and looks pretty masculine.

I also think that shaved sides would be very cool if you're willing to do something so outside the norm. :)

Whatever you choose, I hope you're happy with your decision.

[silverjen]

I am going to leave it for now, and watch for when I feel uncomfortable and see what else is going on and where else I can make changes, and I'm going to treat myself to some Viper tactical boots and a vintage biker jacket meanwhile :)


I love this! Brilliant idea. :cool:

If it helps, two of the most badass women I know both have long hair. They are martial arts instructors, and when training they both wear their hair in a long braid, gathered from the top of the head. It whips and curves through the air as they move. To me this has become archetypical warrior hair.

As for me, I've rocked a buzz cut at several points in my life. It's kinda fun being androgynous. But I eventually got tired of the assumptions people made. I hate being Sally Normal, but I deal with that by going for piercings instead. As long as I'm wearing some steel, I'm cool.

[archel]

I'm agreeing with the others that you can style your long hair to get a more masculine or even stern look - you can always join the "tight bunned mean ladies' club!"

[Snippety]

This thread is making me so happy :) and this place has certainly blown my preconceptions out of the water. I love it !

Reluctantly - Yes, one of the problems I had with the buzz caut, together with my masculine way of dressing was being thought gay. I was even verbally and once physically attacked. I didn't mind that people thought I was a lesbian really, but one lady got really cross with me. She was gay and thought I was, and when I told her I was straight I think it made her feel foolish, and I felt awful, like I'd led her on. It felt like cultural misappropriation. I got quite a kick out of being mistaken for a man though :p

Zesty - I started growing because I broke my arm and didn't get to the barbers for 8 weeks. then I thought "hey, let's see what happens". I really don't want to go through the horror of what I called the "Anthea Turner" phase again.

Silverjen - I have conches, several earrings and a pierced nose plus massive tribal tattoos on both arms and legs. Exasperated DH says "How is anyone going to mistake you for a 'yummy mummy' ??" . I think I just forget about how they look to everyone else because they seem so normal to me. :)

archel - "tight bunned mean ladies club" sounds awesome !

Thanks to all - will experiment with some of the tighter style ideas. I think it is the wisps that come out of my plait that make it look all fluffy round my face, although tighter bands, closer to my head tend to pull on the front of my hairline after a while. Will have a go :)

[joflakes]

Zesty - I started growing because I broke my arm and didn't get to the barbers for 8 weeks. then I thought "hey, let's see what happens". I really don't want to go through the horror of what I called the "Anthea Turner" phase again.

Silverjen - I have conches, several earrings and a pierced nose plus massive tribal tattoos on both arms and legs. Exasperated DH says "How is anyone going to mistake you for a 'yummy mummy' ??" . I think I just forget about how they look to everyone else because they seem so normal to me. :)


Waah! That's really funny! :lol:

I know what you mean about the preconceptions/tattoos thing. I have a lot of visible tattoos and I'm really girly (guess kinda the opposite to you!), so when I wear girly dresses etc I do get kinda odd looks. I don't mind though, "normal" (whatever that is!) is boring!

[Shesta]

I should tell you I really like the "shaved sides" idea combined with extremely long hair. I've been considering it personally for myself for some time and will probably do it once my hair hits classic. And it's not obligatory to wear this hairstyle always loose. A french/dutch braid starting near the forehead would probably suit it and would give you the mohawk-ish coolness of a look.

[celebriangel]

A few additional thoughts, because I have similar troubles with gender presentation and how people perceive me:

1) I *love* the shaved sides idea. And you totally have the thickness to pull it off.

2) Ahahaha, well, with the piercings and the tribals, no one is really going to read you as typically feminine....

and.

3) I used to have a lot of trouble with gender presentation. I was a raving tomboy; I resented the efforts of those around me to try and "girlify" me; I was constantly frustrated when people tried to treat me as they would other girls, instead of as they would boys the way I wanted (this gulf, I now observe, is even bigger when you're a child/teen. It's as if people know that's the most impressionable age, and want to get all their indoctrination in before it's too late).

I had rather long, one-length, bushy brown and somewhat unkempt hair at this age, which I kept in a constant ponytail. People...perceived me as somewhat scary and definitely not feminine at this point. Efforts increased to make me "do something" with it caused me to chop it off and accentuate the androgynous bits of my dress.

But I wasn't happy. I didn't really suit short hair, but more importantly I missed my long, comfortable security blanket, not for the way it looked but because, well, I'd always had it and I felt comfiest with it. And there's other parts of me that are "feminine": I like some kinds of hairsticks. I like corsets. I like female gothic clothing, etc. This all really bothered and confused me - surely I needed to be as MASCULINE AS POSSIBLE so people would get the right impression of my rather intimidating, opinionated, martial artist physicist self?

But then I thought...hey wait. That's all me worrying about other people and how they perceive me. Shouldn't I be worrying, instead, of what *I* like and what *I* feel comfortable in? Because even if people get the wrong impression, these days, at a casual glance, it quickly becomes obvious if you spend more than two sentences in conversation with me. I am told I have an Aura of Ass-Kicking.

So these days I mostly please me. I wear clothes that are female but not feminine. I have bits of metal in my face and plans for tattoos (I would love, by the by, to see your tattoos, if you would post a photo?). I cannot abide pastels and heels, feel wrong in makeup, and much prefer basic blunt cuts to all those fancy layered styles that scream "normal woman".

It's still a bit...not ideal. Currently I struggle on the clothes front, because I don't have many I actually like and don't have money for more. But basically, my advice here is to do what will make YOU feel most comfortable and happy, and accept that sometimes people will just get the wrong impression. And it sounds like they'll be *quickly* disabused of this notion if they take a second look at you.

4) I don't think knee length hair looks necessarily feminine, in actual fact. Hip length, waist length, tailbone length - maybe. But longer than classic sort of transcends gender and just becomes, to most people "weird". IMHO, at least.

[Snippety]

This is so great :) I think I'll wait till classic again and then consider the shaved sides idea. I'm also going to start practising the french braid from the forehead thing. I am rubbish at styling and end up with total hair rage :eek: I can't stop the ends tangling up as I work at the top.

Celebriangel, so much of what you said resonates with me. I can only stand in awe of your self-awareness. It is exactly that "I must look masculine at all costs !!" feeling that grips me now and then. I got really irate the last time I went to the dentist because they gave me a pink toothbrush ! Argh !!

I really don't feel comfortable in any female clothes. I used to wear them if I had to go some where formal, or where there would be mainly women, in order to fit in more. In reality this was counter-productive because I felt like a monkey dressed up - all self-conscious and vulnerable. I don't do that any more, but I guess I still brood way too much on what others might think.

Always happy to share tattoo pictures:

Both legs and my forearms are done in this style - not identical to this but on the same theme by the same guy:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/205753_5351168884_768648884_155670_2353_n.jpg

My other visible ones are on my inner forearms:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/31421_423147868884_768648884_5645523_3878009_n.jpg

and

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/photos-ak-snc1/v1755/228/36/768648884/n768648884_1820460_6962.jpg

Sorry those pics are a bit huge ! I've got arm rings round the top of each arm and more on my back. Complete addict :)

[joflakes]

Snippety - I love love love your leg tattoo. It's amazing. I have a similar style of design on my chest/breasts (though mine has ivy mixed in with it).

[Snippety]

:) Thank you ! I'm glad you like them. I love that style & you rivy sounds cool !

Just like to say thanks again, so much, to everyone who helped me on this thread. It's given me so much food for thought, not just about my hair, but about perceptions in general, both mine and other people's. I really appreciate it. :)

[slz]

I am not a girly person, nor do I play one on TV, and my take on long hair is that while "medium lengths" might be associted with traditional "feminine" assets in some people's minds, when you reach longer length it's not anymore. Moreover as you have to keep it contained anyway. And then you reach the "freak show" territory and you can have lots of fun from it again :D.

[WaitingSoLong]

I feel like the hair has become a kind of Thing, independent of myself that I have to maintain because other people remark on it and like it the way it is. Does anyone else with longer hair ever feel trapped like that ?

I'm worried that if I do it I will regret it straight away.

I read all the replies and mine does not really follow suit, so I apologize for derailing the stream.

I, too, feel like my hair has become its own thing. Recently I cut 3" off my hair and I posted on FB that I did so, even adding the 3" thing, it was sort of a joke..."hey, I cut my hair! Ok, it was just 3"...well people who had read it on FB came up to me IRL (I only friend people I know IRL) and demanded to see my hair (it was put up, and I did NOT take it down), chastised me for cutting it, etc. It was all sort of joking, but I had a few serious people who said "I was scared you had cut your hair" or "don't ever cut your hair".

Hmm. Really? Ok, I am glad you like my hair but it is JUST HAIR and by the way...it is MY hair.

Snippety, it is JUST HAIR. Yet I realize it shapes who we are as it is the most versatile body part we have and we wield it to be an extension on ourselves. And that is what I think you should do...it should be an extension of YOU and not what people expect it to be.

Yet you expressed you feel you would regret it right away. I would definitely not act until you have overcome that regret issue. That is what took me so long just to cut 3 measely inches from my hair, I was so afraid I would regret it. And yet, I have only worn it down once since cutting it, because I am insecure about my hair. Not the cut, but because of all the comments I received about my FB post. I feel like IT IS MY HAIR and now I wish to keep it to myself for awhile because I feel like people think they "own" my hair or my right to it or something. It is just something I have to work through.

I will also add this: there are other ways to change your facial presentation, as others have wonderfully suggested before me. But I recently bought a pair of glasses, just a fashion accessory, and it changed my whole look. Now, I wear glasses IRL (usually contact lenses) but never out and they are not stylish glasses, just functional. Well, DH helped me pick out a very colorful, stylish pair and it really changed my look. Hats, piercings, colored contacts, glasses, all great ways to change your general look (tho the piercings require a bit more commitment).

[Maraz]

If you don't want to shave the sides, side cornrows leaving the top and back alone look great (IMO) and definitely not girly. (I kind of always wanted to try this style, but the idea of regularly sitting still long enough for someone to do them for me doesn't appeal!

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSLgWHmpIH4bA74RL0e8-DaGe0pG-7KxQaGdwcauDc-zl1SuUUUSQ

[Yame]

Yes, hair does become a Thing. People begin to identify you by it, like you and associate with you for it, and take ownership of it. There will be people who like you only for your hair, sadly :(

Back in the day, I had a male friend with gorgeous hair between hip and TB, and one day he suddenly cut it all off. I can't say I wasn't disappointed, or that I didn't think his hair looked better before the chop or that it didn't take some getting used to. But I liked him for who he was, so the haircut didn't change anything. But he told me he lost a lot of friends after that, people reacted to him differently, treated him differently...

Now my hair is around as long as his was, people always comment on it. There are people who have flat-out told me they will "kill me" if I ever cut my hair. Obviously they are joking, but this still says something about how they would feel about me if I cut my hair. I would suddenly lose a lot of value. It doesn't bother me much because, unlike you, I don't feel like cutting it. But who knows what could happen, an accident, or maybe due to sickness I could lose my hair. I'm always a little afraid of attaching so much value to my hair, and of other people attaching so much value to it, because it's something I may not have forever. I don't want to lose my identity along with my hair, if that ever happens.

Whatever you do, there will be advantages and drawbacks to either decision. Of course I will say you should keep your long hair, though. It's beautiful. If you do not want to be identified by it, perhaps you should start hiding it more. Wear more up-dos, hats, hoodies, head scarves? With long hair, you have that option... to wear your hair down and get attention for your hair, or "hide" it and be seen for who you are. I have found that to be a great advantage to wearing my hair up, which I have been doing on weekdays.

[Yame]

I read all the replies and mine does not really follow suit, so I apologize for derailing the stream.

I, too, feel like my hair has become its own thing. Recently I cut 3" off my hair and I posted on FB that I did so, even adding the 3" thing, it was sort of a joke..."hey, I cut my hair! Ok, it was just 3"...well people who had read it on FB came up to me IRL (I only friend people I know IRL) and demanded to see my hair (it was put up, and I did NOT take it down), chastised me for cutting it, etc. It was all sort of joking, but I had a few serious people who said "I was scared you had cut your hair" or "don't ever cut your hair".

Hmm. Really? Ok, I am glad you like my hair but it is JUST HAIR and by the way...it is MY hair.

Very well said... this is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about in my post. I know people don't mean it in a bad way, they just become attached to your hair or your look and don't want you to change. I feel that about people whose hair I admire, but still I'd never get so possessive or show disappointment when someone cuts their hair. In fact, whenever I see someone who got a dramatic hair cut, I always compliment their cut. Even if I liked it better before, I find a positive about the new style and make a comment about it. Because who knows how sensitive they might feel, they could regret having chopped their hair, and need the support. Or maybe they love the new cut... but confirmation never hurts!

[luztrella]

My husband is always so disappointed when I cut my hair, but sometimes I just need a change. And I always figure it grows back so fast its nothing to fret over.

[Snippety]

This is very interesting ! I'm glad you get what I mean. It's like sometimes the positive feedback becomes negative ;) Last time I felt like chopping I asked on FB and got loads of feedback which I found surprising. I have to say my favourite was from my brother-in-law who just posted a lovely Waterhouse painting :) I have trouble believing my husband too as when I shaved it last (from waist length) my then boyfriend said "It's your hair, your body" but was then horrified by the result. I felt that was the start of the end of that relationship.

That said I think I know in my heart of hearts that I would regret cutting it off. I've been thinking a lot about what everyone has said the last couple of days. I think a big part of it is frustration with the time it's taking to get anywhere near classic and the freak show territory. I hadn't realised it was the weirdness I missed ! I also think its the change of context in my life. I used to be working in a fairly mixed office and hanging out with male friends and now I'm in a predominantly female environment which I find quite tough. I think it makes me feel more self-conscious and awkward and feel the need to proclaim my "difference" more.

I'm loving all the alternative ideas. I have loads of hoodies, so can instantly do a bundle and hood arrangement when the weather gets colder. :)

[ScorpioMouse]

1) I wish you lived closer, so we could go for a cuppa. I think we'd have great conversations!

2) No one who took the time to speak to you for .928374 minutes would mistake you for a Stepford wife. And those who don't, don't matter.

3) You'd look really good either way!

Not terribly helpful, I know, but as someone who's pretty significantly counterculture and LOOKS plain Jane, I've given a lot of thought to self-expression. And I, personally, have given myself a break. So now, if it seems like fun, I go for it. If it seems like a ton of upkeep that I don't want to bother with (which, honestly, a buzz cut does entail), when someone else's opinion is a major part of why I'm considering it, I tend to take the option that makes less work for me. I'd rather spend time actually thinking independently, studying, and creating, rather than making sure I LOOK like I do all those things! ^_^ Although I know others find that process just another form of creation, and more power to them. I shall enjoy looking at them, without actually joining them.

I do understand what you mean about the hair being a thing. I'm currently at pixie, after being at BSL for years. (And, incidentally, my haircut looks EXACTLY like my female friend's girlfriend's 'do. I fit right in at the local lesbian club, and love it!) My DH still looks lovingly at pictures of "the Hair," and it wasn't even that long! And yet I'm growing it out again. I don't have a solid answer for that one, except to point out that a lot of it is envy. It takes guts and a backbone to grow hair as long as yours, as well as the know-how to take care of it. People wish they trusted themselves enough to do it. But if they're that obsessed, and you'd like a bit less tress to look after, let them grow their own hair! ;-)

[trolleypup]

Celebriangel, so much of what you said resonates with me. I can only stand in awe of your self-awareness. It is exactly that "I must look masculine at all costs !!" feeling that grips me now and then. I got really irate the last time I went to the dentist because they gave me a pink toothbrush ! Argh !

I really don't feel comfortable in any female clothes. I used to wear them if I had to go some where formal, or where there would be mainly women, in order to fit in more. In reality this was counter-productive because I felt like a monkey dressed up - all self-conscious and vulnerable. I don't do that any more, but I guess I still brood way too much on what others might think.
All I can say is Be Yourself! Be who you want to be, not what others want you to be. Present yourself in a way that makes you happy. Being happy and confident in yourself shows and will help reduce the bs people tend to say.

I've always thought that having an androgynous look would be neat, but I don't have the build or face for that. *shrug* Not worrying about whether I meet the gender stereotypes lets me buy from either side of the aisle to find flattering clothes (dammit I still have a figure, why should I wear a men's coat that would hide the fact that I might not?)...also, women get better colors!

Heh! My dentist's office gives everyone green toothbrushes...but I would take a pink one for camping visibility.

I've seen women who play with the juxtaposition of "soccer mom" and hip tattooed urban dweller...recently, long semi-sheer sleeves that showed arm tattoos. Purposeful camouflage failure as you will. Not so much rebellion, but using it on your own terms.

In terms of formal (or more formal) wear, variations on menswear can work very well, if you can find or make the garments. In general, just wear what you are comfortable in/with and don't worry about what people think. If they make assumptions about you...that is on them, not you, all you need to do is offer a polite correction, if needed.

Always happy to share tattoo pictures:
Nice!

[Snippety]

Thank you :) It is a big help. We'll have to have some virtual cuppas instead :)

And you're right - I was never happy once the buzz grew past "extreme" so I was at the barbers ever 4 weeks, apart from the one time I let my friend "psycho" John do it. Should have guessed from the nickname what kind of a mess he'd make lol. Combing and replaiting a couple of times a day is waaaay easier.

I think it's really cool to remain kind of anonymous - more counter cultural even, like Cayce Pollard in the William Gibson books. I've just always been a bit of a show off, really, and also reacting against a childhood and teenage years when I was made to be very conformist, especially in appearance. Even at 43 I get a massive kick out of my ink & piercings :) I'm going to try and view my hair the same way.

[Lostsoule77]

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice here and that you are getting the right ideas from it. I've always been more of a tom boy with the exception of my long hair. I also look like a plain jane librarian (as my DH says.) That's not what I am, but how I look. I am who I am and don't care much what others think of me. I know it's hard to think like that, but it can help. Torrinpaige has a couple of braids on youtube that she does for men that you could do.

It seems more like you want to make sure others know that you aren't feminine than thinking about what you really want. Just from what you've posted here it seems like people wouldn't get the impression of a girly girl. If You don't want to cut don't, if you do then go ahead. I prefer the long hair and it's versatility and ease, but it's for you to decide.

BTW, I love your tattoos, especially the phoenix!

[Snippety]

Sorry - that last post was in reply to ScorpioMouse. I must've forgotten to refresh :p

Trolleypup -Thanks, it's interesting to get a male perspective. I love the idea of male formal wear. My DH has said that the next formal occasion we have to attend I can have a tux :)

Lostsoule77 - Thank you :) I worked in a library when I had no hair at all, hee hee. I'll definitely check out the YouTube vids. I currently just do a loose plait which is very wispy round my face and neck so it seems like I need to get a couple of new styles and have a practise.

I'm already feeling a lot more confident about the whole thing after all the support I've had here. Marvellous ! :)

[trolleypup]

I've just always been a bit of a show off, really, and also reacting against a childhood and teenage years when I was made to be very conformist, especially in appearance. Even at 43 I get a massive kick out of my ink & piercings :) I'm going to try and view my hair the same way.
The 40s are the best! And you get to be old enough to mess with the youngsters! Since you know just how far you can go there!

Trolleypup -Thanks, it's interesting to get a male perspective. I love the idea of male formal wear. My DH has said that the next formal occasion we have to attend I can have a tux :)
OK, you'll be beating the lesbians off with a stick, but really, wearing a tux with confidence? Smoking hot!

[slz]

I love the idea of male formal wear
That's me all dressed up for a champ. show - I LOVED this suit, I admit you can't see much in the pic (was meant to show off the bitch, which in this case, is not me :D ), but you get the picture anyway.

http://sylvielz.free.fr/mdep/fichiers/gal2.jpg

[Changling]

Well, I am currently almost one year in to growing out a completely shaved head, and as I'm sure you remember, it's pretty much a whole year of awkward length. I just literally can NOT do anything with it! And it'll probably be another year before I can even get it all into a ponytail and OUT OF MY FACE DX So if you think you're going to want to grow it out long ever again...do remember that.

If you DON'T ever want to grow it out long again, I would invest in a personal electric shaver, otherwise you'll have to get it re-shaved quite often, as I remember from maintaining my shaved head. Winter is cold here, so that was really hard on my head, ears, and neck. But I could rub my scalp with a washcloth, and very little compares to the amazingness of that feeling.

Yeah, people are going to call you weird names, and assume you're a lesbian (even if you are in a heterosexual relationship), and think it's ok to call you inappropriate names they would probably never even call a long-haired lesbian. You should call them out on this inappropriate behavior, of course, but just know that it's a likely scenario. People are thoughtless.

I don't think you should base your choice on other people, though. You should do what you know you'll be most happy with. If it's a matter of caring for the hair, well, you could always just keep it braided all the time and benign neglect the heck out of it. And/or chop it up to waist length - to people outside of *this* community, that's still quite long.

[Snippety]

Trolleypup - Iam rather enjoying my forties :) I'm the most together I've ever been, and the happiest, I think.

Slz - I love the suit, and the look on your dog's face is so cute ! I like the idea of a suit with a pain black T shirt underneath.

Changling - Yeah, the long hair is easier to care for then the short. I did love being bake to just stick my whole head under the shower, and for it to just dry instantly, but I'm glad I don't have to shave it all the time. "Benign neglect" is a great description of my hair care routine :)