How do I tell her?!! Everything she's doing is wrong!!!

[vatikagirl]

Friends I have a very serious problem... one of my DH's colleague's wife has been bugging me since past 4-5 years.
She is an arabic lady 32 yrs old with half of size i hair bearly SL, has given birth to her 4th child recently, she bearly eats anything as she wants to be skinny(she has lost ALL of her original teeth and now has fixed dentures, due to 4 pregnancies and lack of nutrition), has almost alopecia like scalp with very scanty hair rather almost balding scalp, shampoo's with harshest anti-dandruff shampoo everyday, never does any moisture treatment EVER... oils her hair maybe once in a month or two months and keeps complaining about her hair loss everytime i meet her.

She keeps asking about my hair growth and hair care and even after explaining to her in detail all about my hair care (more than a dozen times) she keeps saying being indian i have good hair etc...

These days she is getting on my nerves.... how can i tell her that everything she is doing is wrong.... do u guys think i can still make her understand the importance of health and hair care or shud i just stop trying?!!

[trillian]

Rather than making her a list, why don't you give her the LHC url...

[vatikagirl]

already done that trillian.... but she can bearly understand english....

[Anywhere]

Rather than making her a list, why don't you give her the LHC url...

If I could "like" that I would. That way she can lurk and figure out what works for her, instead of hoping what works for you will be sufficient.


ETA: looks like I was typing while you posted. Can't she use, say, a translator service? I know Google has a not-so-perfect one, but it typically gets the job done for translating.

[GlennaGirl]

Oh no, honey. I know pretty much what you're saying. You're scared to hurt her by telling her the truth: she's unhealthy, she's starving herself and that's why her hair is suffering.

I would anyway, though. Just tell her gently. A real friend needs to tell a friend she's making herself sick. Just take a deep breath and do it.

[ladyfey]

I'd say leave it alone. I used to wash every day, still do every other. Never oil or do deep treatments and I am past knee. If she is malnourished, nothing else will help. Sounds like she has much bigger health problems than worrying about hair care.

[BunnyBee]

Her nutritional deficiency is far more important than any treatment of her hair. No amount of conditioning will help if she's not healthy physically. It sounds like she might have an eating disorder. I'm not sure how well you know her so it might not be a good idea for you to bring that issue up with her.
You could tell her that your hair is healthy because you eat a lot of protein for example, but she may not listen to that... Sounds like she wants a magic fix.

[MrsGuther]

Sounds like she has bigger health problems than just her hair. If she is starving herself, someone needs to help her. You just have to figure out if that person is you. If you really care about her (which I think you do) you should tell her she needs to stop starving herself and get healthy, and healthy hair will follow.

[vatikagirl]

ladyfey... what u are saying is the thing which bothers me the most....
glennagirl.... u got my precise point... im not a kinda person who wud shy-up on saying things gently... but here arabic culture is bit different... and she being DH's colleague's wife... things can get complicated... though im really thinking i shud not turn my back ... u know what i think i shall tell her somehow... ill find a way...

anywhere, this lady is bearly literate.... that too not in english... the thing is money doesnt solve most of the problems for her.... hope u get my point.

thanks friends for helping out... i really appreciate it.

[GlennaGirl]

Her nutritional deficiency is far more important than any treatment of her hair.

Yup...that's why she needs to be told... :(

This is such a tough position to be in, I know.

[vatikagirl]

bunnybee, ur so true... what is wants is a magic fix...

mrsguther, u have a nice point there... gives me some bases to start the conversation relating to her health...

and guys i know she has eating disorder... she loves food but wont eat it... sometimes i envy her food resistance power.... not joking...

[KwaveT]

She has got bigger problems than her hair. She needs to get help for the eating disorder before you even deal with the hair loss. All you can tell her is that her hair falling out is caused by her poor diet. If she doesn't want to help herself though, there is not a whole lot that you are going to be able to do. In case of language barrier give her the google translate address along with this website. I used it to translate a blog website once and it does an ok job. Some sentences do translate awkward.

[newbeginning]

Good luck with talking to this woman. I can see how it can be awkward. I really hope her children are okay considering she has an eating disorder (i.e. how did the children get enough nutrition while she was pregnant?). Other posters are right...she needs to deal with the eating disorder before her hair. Also dealing with the disorder will help her hair as well.

[Belisarius]

Her nutritional deficiency is far more important than any treatment of her hair. No amount of conditioning will help if she's not healthy physically. It sounds like she might have an eating disorder. I'm not sure how well you know her so it might not be a good idea for you to bring that issue up with her.
You could tell her that your hair is healthy because you eat a lot of protein for example, but she may not listen to that... Sounds like she wants a magic fix.
Yes, this so much. Also is there any equivalent of CPS where you live? Because I fear for her kids. Having children while malnutritioned is a very bad idea. There was a famine in my country at the end of WWII and the children of the women pregnant then still have more problems than usual.

[vatikagirl]

she is indeed a good mom to her kids... totally dedicated and all... but when it comes to her... she is off the charts... just wont take care of herself...
and there isnt any cps services out here... its a very different country... wont get much into that zone right now...

friends thanks for the few ideas that u shared...

[teal]

Some people would rather keep their problems and complain about them because it makes them feel important. If she was interested in taking your advice she would have done so. If you don't want to listen to her complain, you have to tell her so...

[jeanniet]

There is no LHC magic that will fix her problems, because from what you say she is suffering from medical conditions related to her poor diet and possibly for other health reasons as well. The only thing you can do for her is tell her to consult with her physician and hope she listens.

[vatikagirl]

friends, i talked to my friend.... and i tried my level best not to be aggressive like a confrontation but mild like in intervention.... but a very friendly talk.... she was crying and then i was crying and all i had to ask her was why do u do this?!! why do u starve urself?! think about ur kids... just in case something bad happns to u .... and we talked....
she said she shall try to improve as she too is worried now... no promises but its ok... atleast she is no more in denial...

she said thanks with very teary eyes and held me in a tight hug... as if afraid to let go... i was surprised.... but in a good way...
thanks friends for all ur support... may be we saved someone frm ongoing suffering... i cudnt have done this without the support of this group...

[Soulina]

I have personal experience whit eating desorders, and they can kill you. I was pretty bad shape my self bofore I noticed what I was doing to myself. So as meny other in this thread, I´d say hair isnt biggest of her problems. There are tons of other health issues that ed.s can couse, and some of them a lethal.

I so hope your friend gets help, and can get better. :)

[ktani]

This woman needs help of the professional kind. She first must be willing to admit that she has a problem and then seek help. She needs medical and nutritional intervention to help save her life let alone her hair.

You may be able to reach her on an emotional level by having her understand that her children need her to be strong and healthy and that will not happen unless she eats properly. She must at some level understand the importance of nutrition as she no doubt makes sure her children are well fed.

I have known people with eating disorders. Many are in denial. It is a psychological illness as well as a physical one. Starving oneself no doubt impairs reasoning.

ETA: Do not give up trying to reach her. She needs support from wherever possible but urge her to get professional help before her body gives out. What she is doing can kill her.

"Understanding Eating Disorders"
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/magazine/issues/spring08/articles/spring08pg17-19.html
"Mental health experts say it is important for people to understand what eating disorders are and what they are not. Eating disorders are not a silly desire to be thin, a figment of one's imagination, or a failing.

"The most important thing to recognize is that these are real disorders that require treatment," says Dr. Thomas Insel, the director of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).
Eating disorders are serious, even life-threatening, medical illnesses that have biological and psychological causes. They are treatable. Recovery is possible....

Dr. Bulik and others in the field say they have seen an increase in adult women with eating disorders. At any given time, more than half the women in her program are older than 30, which was not the case 10 or 20 years ago, she adds. Dr. Bulik notes that environmental triggers, like the expectation to lose weight quickly after pregnancy, or to look young, can lead to extreme dieting or exercise. ... Current treatment options may include mental health therapy, nutritional counseling, and medicines."

I did not see this. http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1818839&postcount=18 I was posting.

Well done! Now if you can take it further. See what options are available near her or she can get help through her doctor. Do not let it go.

[spidermom]

I agree with GlennaGirl. She's asking, so answer. Help her. Maybe you can make her understand that her hair is showing her that she is not healthy and must improve her nutrition. I'd start there; the harsh washing isn't as big an issue as nutrition (although it is, of course, an issue - but save that one).

[FrozenBritannia]

You need to make her understand that she can be slim and still eat- that things like vegetables and fruits and lean meats are very good for her hair. I've seen where people will eat nothing but a donut-which has no nutritional value at all and more calories than a whole salad and bowl of soup.

[gretchen_hair]

You can only do so much or attempt to help someone so many times. If your advice is falling on deaf ears, let it be.

If she asks you again, tell her that you have told her over and over again and you refuse to continue repeating information that she will not listen to.

No, I don't think you can help her, Yes, I think you should stop trying. At least until you see that she took some advice that you offered.

People that hound for information and help, but refuse to listen to anything you have said, is a pet peeve of mine. If they don't want to heed any advice, why ask?





Friends I have a very serious problem... one of my DH's colleague's wife has been bugging me since past 4-5 years.
She is an arabic lady 32 yrs old with half of size i hair bearly SL, has given birth to her 4th child recently, she bearly eats anything as she wants to be skinny(she has lost ALL of her original teeth and now has fixed dentures, due to 4 pregnancies and lack of nutrition), has almost alopecia like scalp with very scanty hair rather almost balding scalp, shampoo's with harshest anti-dandruff shampoo everyday, never does any moisture treatment EVER... oils her hair maybe once in a month or two months and keeps complaining about her hair loss everytime i meet her.

She keeps asking about my hair growth and hair care and even after explaining to her in detail all about my hair care (more than a dozen times) she keeps saying being indian i have good hair etc...

These days she is getting on my nerves.... how can i tell her that everything she is doing is wrong.... do u guys think i can still make her understand the importance of health and hair care or shud i just stop trying?!!

[Intransigentia]

It's funny what people will do for hair. I have very severe depression, and sometimes the usual reasons for keeping up with things like eating and washing aren't enough to motivate me. But the thought that I could ruin my hair? OK, I'll do it for my hair.

It sounds like you two had a good talk, I hope she finally takes it to heart that she needs to look after her whole body if she wants her hair to grow in and look nice.

[spidermom]

I posted this morning before I read everything. Now I know that you two did have a talk. Admitting a problem is a good first step; I hope other steps toward better follow. Best wishes.

[vatikagirl]

i too hope so... though ill keep an eye on her.... but its just that much i can do...