A delicate hair situation

[julierockhead]

I need a little help guys.

My adult step-daughter, Karen, is in desperate need of this place. She's a 3b iii, I would say, at shoulder length. She brushes it and puts it in a pony every. single. day. because I think she has pretty much given up on her hair. As a straight-haired person, I feel like in just a month at TLHC I know more about how she should be taking care of her hair than she does, and I don't even go out of my way to read the curly/whirly threads.

I look at her hair and I just want to say something constructive, you know? But truthfully we don't have that kind of relationship. She's a touchy type and I would not want to insult her unintentionally.

HOW do I get her to this forum? You curlies out there - what kind of help would you have appreciated when you were learning about how to be a happy curly? I mean, she brushes her hair. When it's dry! I have to do something right?

[Demetrue]

Buy a wide tooth comb for curly hair and just tell her that you read on here how good it is for curly hair and you saw it at the store and thought she might like it.

[Sparkette]

I found the most tactful way to get my sister(who has curly/wavy hair) interested in taking better care of her hair was to ask if she wanted any of the hair products that hadn't worked for my straight hair and told her how I had found recommendations and techniques that did work for me at TLHC.

[Copasetic]

HOW do I get her to this forum? You curlies out there - what kind of help would you have appreciated when you were learning about how to be a happy curly? I mean, she brushes her hair. When it's dry! I have to do something right?

No, you don't. Her hair is her business. And like you said, you don't have the kind of relationship where you pass around this kind of advice.

[Maktub]

I'm a curly who hated my hair for a very long time and acted exactly like she seems to.

No, you don't have to do something. Curllies can brush dry gently... it just gives us a big explosive fuzzy head of hair until next time it's wet ! But hey, thats ok !

Does she seem interested in hair at all ?
Does she manifest not liking her hair and be frustrated with it ?


You could buy her a nice wood or bone comb for her birthday, say you found it pretty and heard that it's good for curly hair, so that made you think of her.

Or talk to someone else in her presence about how YOU found LHC giving YOU great ideas for YOUR hair.


But I wouldn't do more, for sure. (And I think the best is probably to do nothing at all). I'll be felt like a little rude otherwise, I think. (I would have been very sad if someone had said I should go on a hair forum to learn to care for my hair ... even if said in indirect ways ... )

It's her hair, let her be (:

[Cassie 123]

How about giving her a copy of the Curly Girl book with her next Xmas/holiday present?

[Inkwell]

Her hair is her hair. If you had a different relationship with her, maybe it would be a different response. But you have to let her do what she wants to do.

[Charlemaigne]

Simply forward the site link to her and let her know you thought she would enjoy reading all the information about hair. Curiosity will most likely prevail.

[julierockhead]

I found the most tactful way to get my sister(who has curly/wavy hair) interested in taking better care of her hair was to ask if she wanted any of the hair products that hadn't worked for my straight hair and told her how I had found recommendations and techniques that did work for me at TLHC.

Ahhhh...that might work.:eyebrows:


Buy a wide tooth comb for curly hair and just tell her that you read on here how good it is for curly hair and you saw it at the store and thought she might like it.

That too!


I'm a curly who hated my hair for a very long time and acted exactly like she seems to.

Does she seem interested in hair at all ?
Does she manifest not liking her hair and be frustrated with it ?

You could buy her a nice wood or bone comb for her birthday, say you found it pretty and heard that it's good for curly hair, so that made you think of her.

Or talk to someone else in her presence about how YOU found LHC giving YOU great ideas for YOUR hair.

But I wouldn't do more, for sure. (And I think the best is probably to do nothing at all). I'll be felt like a little rude otherwise, I think. (I would have been very sad if someone had said I should go on a hair forum to learn to care for my hair ... even if said in indirect ways ... )

It's her hair, let her be (:

She is very frustrated with her hair, she used to complain quite a bit and *wish* she had straight hair. She's my family, and I want to help, and the suggestions you guys are giving so far are great. I just know if she got to TLHC and read a little she would be hooked, I just really wanted to NOT hurt her feelings. Plus, I want to see her hair.:p

[longhairedlady]

Buying her a few supplies might be a good thing as long as she doesnt get overly defensive about it and take it as a insult. I think its sweet that you are thinking about her hair!

[lacefrost]

Catch her straight out of the shower and say, "Wow your hair is so pretty when the curls are all clumped together like that!" Or, "I bet your curls look like cute corkscrews when you don't brush your hair." Or if you find her complaining abut her hair and wishing it were straight then you could say, "Why? I think curly hair is so pretty!" and then when she says why, help her out. Like if she says, "Oh it's just so puffy!" tell her it's cause she brushes her hair dry.

The best thing you can do is be positive about her natural hair type. Show her you think it's lovely and she may start to feel the same way. The key is to not say anything negative at all or be pushy at all. Before you can buy her anything for her hair, you have to tell her you like it, otherwise she'll just see you as trying to fix it.

[Maktub]

I agree with lacefrost !! Good points !

[luxepiggy]

She is very frustrated with her hair, she used to complain quite a bit and *wish* she had straight hair. She's my family, and I want to help, and the suggestions you guys are giving so far are great. I just know if she got to TLHC and read a little she would be hooked, I just really wanted to NOT hurt her feelings. Plus, I want to see her hair.:p

The most tactful thing to do would be to wait until the next time she complains about her hair. At that point you can mention the fun new hair forum you've recently discovered, and suggest that she check it out (^(oo)^)v

[Kathie]

I also think it’s really sweet that you want to help. I small hair-care gift like others have suggested sound nice- who doesn't like gifts? And, I like the idea of waiting until she brings up hair in the conversation as a good starting point.

[Tealpuffin]

As others say, make a pretty little gift bag for her and when she talks about her hair give it to her. You could also put in some eye shadow or something so it is not just about her hair. This might be something which you two can bond over as well.

I so wished my mum knew how to deal with curly hair. She made me brush it all the time. My dad (he has curly hair) gave me the best thing when I was younger which was an Afro comb which he had when he had long hair in the 70's. It took me 17 years and the help of you guys to learn how to deal with my hair properly

I hope all goes well x

[YepLilly]

The most tactful thing to do would be to wait until the next time she complains about her hair. At that point you can mention the fun new hair forum you've recently discovered, and suggest that she check it out (^(oo)^)v

I agree with this. Let her know how much *you* enjoy this site, and how many techniques and products suggested here were useful to *you*. Rave about the site, then pass the link along :)

[Jezerellica]

How about giving her a copy of the Curly Girl book with her next Xmas/holiday present?
Ding, Ding, Ding!! There is nothing like a gift! Especially at Christmas! GREAT idea!! Or a wide tooth comb from the Body Shop. :D

[Charybdis]

I like this site because it's a good illustration of what "puffy" curly hair can become when you treat it with love and care instead of futile attempts to beat it into submission: http://www.tightlycurly.com/ (http://www.tightlycurly.com/welcome). This lady has a tighter curl than your stepdaughter, but her experience sounds like what your stepdaughter is going through. I think the side-by-side "before" and "after" photos of the author on the Welcome page are a real "WOW" kind of experience for anyone who has seriously curly hair and has spent her life thinking of her hair as frizzy and badly behaved.

Good luck! I understand completely about your desire to find a tactful way to bring this up, and I also get that you care about your stepdaughter and want her to see the beauty in her own natural hair. Maybe the next time she gets frustrated with her hair, you can show her those "before" and "after" photos and say you wonder whether she could get similar results using some of those techniques, just as an alternative to the conventional straight-hair methods that have given her results she's disappointed with.

[Inkwell]

As others say, make a pretty little gift bag for her and when she talks about her hair give it to her. You could also put in some eye shadow or something so it is not just about her hair. This might be something which you two can bond over as well.

I so wished my mum knew how to deal with curly hair. She made me brush it all the time. My dad (he has curly hair) gave me the best thing when I was younger which was an Afro comb which he had when he had long hair in the 70's. It took me 17 years and the help of you guys to learn how to deal with my hair properly

I hope all goes well x

I need to learn how to be good to curls. My two-year-old daughter has them. She's a 3a-3b/f/ii, and I'm a 1b/m/ii. I'm sure that her hair thickness will change since she's still so young. But she has a head of hair that many mom's envy. It's down past her armpits! So I want to be good to her hair and keep it long (that's what she wants right now).

[BeckyAH]

This is my mother and I, only reversed. I've got her curly hair, but I finallyc lued in and figured out how to deal with it. My mom still hasn't, wears it up when it's long, gets frustrated and cuts it off, gets more curl and gets more frustrated. If I say anything to her, she gets upset because she's already self-conscious. At this point, because I have the same hair-type she does - I'm just letting her watch my hair behave and hoping she'll ask questions. Or, that when I visit for Christmas, I can convince her to play dress up with me and let me do her hair. With some decent curl cream, no heat, and no handling while it air dries. If not - well, it's her hair. The only reason I care is because she stresses about it so hard. Not because I want her to LOOK better, but because she's my mom and I want her to FEEL better.

[julierockhead]

So many great, thoughtful posts, and I appreciate every one of them. I will put the advice to use and post here about the outcome...hopefully she will be joining us!

Thank you all so much, I knew the LHCer's would come through for me.

[doodlebug66]

Good Luck! You sound like a wonderful person, she is lucky you care.

[Tealpuffin]

I need to learn how to be good to curls. My two-year-old daughter has them. She's a 3a-3b/f/ii, and I'm a 1b/m/ii. I'm sure that her hair thickness will change since she's still so young. But she has a head of hair that many mom's envy. It's down past her armpits! So I want to be good to her hair and keep it long (that's what she wants right now).

Some people may dissagree with me but I think it is easier to deal with long curly hair than short curly hair as you can tie it up when you take her out and especially when she gets to nursery age. Just keep it regularly trimmed and condition and it will be fairly easy to take care of. I sported many chin length frizz cuts because my mum couldn't deal with the tangles and the frizz x