Does your partner/spouse support you?

[Amber_Maiden]

I was thinking the other day about how your partner or spouse is support you, and realized mine doesn't.
My husband thinks all the hair stuff I do, no matter how I explain it, is weird. The other, after I hennaed my hair darker so I could bring it closer to my more natural colour, he told me straight out he disliked it, didn't understand why I did it, and that he prefers it when I'm a redhead.
Henna is permanent though, and I felt like crap because he didn't like it, and didn't support me. I don't want to feel like I have to be a redhead for him to find me more attractive. The way he phrased it was that he finds me sexy all the time, just he likes my hair better, and finds it sexier.
He even dislikes it when I trim my hair.
Wondering if anyone else on the board has experienced lack of support from their partners and how they deal with it?
Half of me is more with my feminist side saying, if he doesn't like it, well thats just too bad for him- but the other side is hurt by what he said and regrets even changing my hair to what I wanted and like. And I do like my hair colour now. That's what should matter, I know, but I still feel bad.:(
I did it last night (hennaed it darker). Pic I took took seconds ago is in my album "New Hair" if you want to take a look. (Don't judge me- its a bad pic, but so what?!)

[PinkyCat]

My SO is like that when it comes to my weight. He asked me if I will ever get back to the size I was when we first started dating because he "felt like the luckiest guy". So, what, you don't feel lucky anymore? :mad:

[kanaka]

My husband dislikes when i get my hair cut. he absolutely loves my hair and asks me to grow it out :)

[ennuideluxe]

Im sorry that you dont feel supported by your husband.

I think Im a bit impossible when it comes to feeling supported. Most of the time, my husband honestly couldn't care less about what's going on with my hair. As he says, he didn't marry me for my hair, it's my head and I can do what I want with it, yadda yadda.

He tries to be encouraging but Im at an awkward stage and it's hard to believe it ever looks cute, or even not-awful. I'll complain about it, and then when he tries to make a suggestion to be helpful and 'fix' whats wrong with it, I'll get all upset and cranky. For example:

Him: Your hair looks cute.
Me: Thanks, but no, the dye looks bad growing out.
Him: Well... you could cut the dye out. Or you could re-dye it?
Me: You dont want me to have long virgin hair! YOU HATE MY HAIR! :(
Him: ...

So yeah. My husband would be supportive if I wasn't such a drama llama, I think.

[SoulOfTheSea]

My DBF just goes along with what I do, he doesn't particularly care about all the details (ACV, oilings, etc.) but he likes my hair long, so that's what matters to me. And by the way, I think you look just as stunning with your new darker hair, it makes your eye color pop! :flower:

[MoonLover]

My DBF always told me he liked my natural color and was not happy when I told him I wanted to henna. You should have seen his face the first time I came out of the bathroom with freshly hennaed hair!

And even though he isn't in love with it, he still loves me and thinks I'm sexy. They're not going to agree with every change you make to your appearance and that's okay. If you did everything he told you to do you would be a real-life stepford wife and he would probably lose interest.

So don't worry! In fact, if you love your hair color now and it makes you feel prettier, your confidence will make you more attractive to him. Just believe in your decisions :agree:

[wvgemini]

Aw. That sucks that you're feeling down about it. But just give him some time :flower: And I agree with MoonLover on the confidence thing. It makes a difference!

Mine likes me with longer hair, but he's really neither supportive nor unsupportive I guess. Though he did give several compliments last night when it was all done up for our banquet. And he likes when it is all nice and soft

My SO is like that when it comes to my weight. He asked me if I will ever get back to the size I was when we first started dating because he "felt like the luckiest guy". So, what, you don't feel lucky anymore? :mad:
Oh that would ***** :mad:

[Sundial]

Him: Your hair looks cute.
Me: Thanks, but no, the dye looks bad growing out.
Him: Well... you could cut the dye out. Or you could re-dye it?
Me: You dont want me to have long virgin hair! YOU HATE MY HAIR! :(
Him: ...


Haha!! I wonder why that sounds so familiar!! :o it's almost like you quoted us word for word!

[Silverdragn7385]

I'm sorry that he doesn't support your hair hobby. :( But I agree with wvgemini...just give it some time. :)

My SO and I have a mutal interest in hair...we talk about hair every time we see each other. So yes, we support each other. :P

[PJ-Sander]

Not trying to defend what your man said but...
How can I put this? Some men, well...a lot of men, say whatever pops into their minds. Just *blurt*...right on out there into the atmosphere. Whereas most of us women have a sort of filter. We run most of our thoughts through a filter of "Should I be honest? Will this help or hurt the other person?" --Stuff like that. I don't think men do. They're bluntly honest creatures. So that's one thing.

Now the other thing is, when you say, "(he) told me straight out he disliked it, didn't understand why I did it, and that he prefers it when I'm a redhead." Okay, I can see how that would hurt your feelings. I can imagine my hubby saying something along those lines and I would probably be hurt. But him saying that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't support you. He's just being honest. My hubby doesn't understand half of what I do with/about/for my hair.

But then, I don't know your partner and you do. I wasn't there when he said those things to you. I couldn't hear his voice or see his face. So maybe he's really an a!!hole who truly doesn't support you. If that's truly the case, then you have a decision to make, don't you...? No matter what, I wish you luck.

[Lady Dragon]

That sucks. I can understand if he 'doesn't get it' or how important it is to you but he should at least be a little more tactful instead of telling you he hates it.


My fella supports me in everything, tells me he doesn't mind what I do to my hair he'll always think I'm beautiful.
He's even supporting me in finishing my diploma despite the fact that it means an extra year apart from each other (he lives near Washington DC and I live in Western Canada!).

[spidermom]

No, but it goes both ways. DH and I have been together so long(36 years!) that we've developed quite a lot of indifference to each other. A lot of the time, I feel like we're roommates who have separate lives but share the same bed, and I'm getting a little tired of sharing the bed.

I think if I cut my hair, it would probably take him days/weeks/maybe even months to notice a difference. He doesn't really see me anymore.

[GlassWings]

I'm very sorry to hear that your husband doesn't support you :(
My boyfriend supports me with all of it. He encouraged me when I just chopped off my long hair for shoulder length and he loved it (better than my long hair:rolleyes:Lol) He realized though that I didn't like it so much and now supports me in growing it back out :)

[Safira]

Well, you have every right to feel hurted, but remember: men are strange, they say weirdest things and they doesen´t seem to understand when they have hurted you.

And men resiste all changes, they do. They always whine about if you dye/henna your hair, or cut, or let it grow, or braid your hair etc.

My partner likes my hair, but he seems to be amused with all the trouble and work with my hair.

[faithsdaisy421]

Blech. This is such a sticky situation. Men are wired so differently sometimes. I understand why you are hurt, and honestly I would be too. At the same time, I agree with what some others have said. Men just say what they think and don't understand why (or how) they have hurt us.

I often have the opposite situation. My DH will often tell me if he really, really, really dislikes something I have done (like when my hair was a nasty bleached out pixie). But otherwise, he really wont give me much of an opinion, even when asked. Most times I'll get an "it looks fine..." even when I specifically ask.

He does support my hair hobby though. He thinks some of what I do is weird, but he goes along with it. In that aspect, I am quite lucky :love:

[Carolyn]

I'm living a parallel life to Spidermom except for the sleeping in the same bed thing. Lemme tell ya, separate beds are a wonderful thing but that's another thread :D I've never gotten one iota of hair support or encouragement. I've often said I don't think Mr Cranky even knows I have hair. He's never voluntarily touched or played with my hair or complimented it. I don't talk about it. I don't tell him about my latest hair goo experiment. I don't show him new hair toys. I don't ask him if he likes my 'do of the day. I've never talked about my hair growing goals. I've never told him about going to a hair appointment and he's never once noticed I've had something done. I also don't talk about my knitting and quilting. I know he's not interested. He's even told me he's not interested in hearing about my projects. OK fair enough. I'm not interested in hearing about his interests. He forgets that sometimes and I have to put my hands over my ears and say "LA LA LA LA" louder and louder until he shuts up. Yes I've really done that.

My point is my passions are MY passions. I don't expect him to share them or even have a passing interest. I don't need support on something I love to do. I am perfectly capable of finding feedback and support from others who do share my passions. People who are married or partnered don't need to share every little thing even if that little thing is important to one of them. It's OK and even very good to have your own interests.

[Calaelen]

In everything, and he thinks my hair is AMAZING...I'm a lucky gal.

[Amber_Maiden]

Thanks everyone for the advice/comments/and own personal stories. Feels good to not feel alone :)

[Scarlet_Heart]

My husband told me he likes my natural hair color (medium brown) better than red, but that's just his opinion. He doesn't think the henna looks bad, he just likes my brown better. That's ok; it's my hair and I like red better.

But as for the other kooky hair care stuff, he doesn't mind. That I'm in many ways unconventional has always something he liked about me. So this is just another thing.

[Chetanlaiho]

DBF has asked me if I would dye it blonde about a zillion times (I tried to explain to him the evils of bleach but alas, in vain). I still want to dye it in these colours: http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ4wdBEmI5rmMbaVdUrc0gydRZ-rjIJaFDUh0okTDGosvE_Chxm (the girl on the left) but he wasn't supportive of me dying my hair darker (I think if I let it go natural, I'd go back to a light-ish mousy brown). Then he saw a picture of me where my hair looked darker and he actually liked it (which made me feel all kinds of happy) but now when I mentioned I was actually planning to do it soon he kind of protested again, which probably hurt me more then he realized and now I'm doubting if I'm gonna dye it again even though I've wanted these colours for over a year >_<

He likes it long (definitely likes it long) but I think he wouldn't really like anything past hip (good news for him that I don't plan to go any longer than that ;)). When I tell him about stuff I do for my hair or get excited about some hair pins I found (true story) he just doesn't really get it xD He says his hair is nice and soft and he doesn't do anything good it (more bad actually) but then I have to explain to him that shorter hair doesn't show damage as much as longer hair and just because he's blessed with lovely black thick shiny soft Asian hair doesn't mean everyone is xD

[TheLaughingGod]

DGF completely supports me, she loves me having long hair and would be very sad with me with short hair, just as I support her hair styles, she has always wanted long hair, and I suggested she go for it

[leslissocool]

My husband lets me oil his hair, braid it, play with it, he even wants to henna it but I am scared it will turn REALLY red and he won't like it.

He likes my dark curly-wavy hair best. I like it blond :rolleyes: but over all we both like it long, so no bleach for me. We saw a woman with calf length hair at the mall near my house, I pointed and told him I wanted to let my hair grow that much, he thought that was awesome :crush: he is the best partner in crime EVER!

[longcurlygirl<3]

My BF, he made me promise not to cut my hair. He wants it to grow to knee. I started laughing, because no one will help me with that detangling :|. But yeah calls me crazy with all the DT and food I put in my hair [honey,avocado etc]. He even said " aww my little beehive haired love one :P" So he basically calls me a beehive all the time. hehe I don't mind ;]

[Friesiangirl]

My boyfriend blurts, but then... notices. He corrects himself in better wording when he knows he's made an oopsie.

But generally, he's more suggestive of what he likes, than negative of my choices.

Example: I adore black hair, it just looks so great. Check out her hair (a chick rocking chin length black hair), isn't it epic?

While I appreciate this, I have my preferences too. I discussed it with him, and explained how I felt a bit pressured to be his ideal. He broke down and confessed that he just wants me to be happy with me, and to do what I please with my body.

So long hair, natural color (possibly henna in the future) for me. Well, growing towards that, anyhow.

We're here to support you =)

(hugs)

Hayley

[BeckyAH]

I'm honestly unsure how to answer this, because I find the idea of being supported in growing hair very-slight-odd. Not in a bad way, and I'm not judgmental, but I just don't quite get it. It's growing out of my head. Therefore, it's my pursuit.

That said: DH doesn't care what I do with it. I could shave it off tomorrow or never cut it again. He has aestetic preferences just like everyone but I'm me, period. Weight, hair, clothes - are all pretty much irrelevant to him, as long as I talk to him sometimes, and occasionally cuddle up on the couch and watch bad horror movies with him.

[HairFaerie]

My fiance much rather prefers the blonde pixie I had! He said he loves me no matter what my hair looks like, but he personally prefers the blonde pixie.

I don't share my hair care regimen or odd things I do with/for my hair. He just doesn't need to know! Besides, I am sure he would think I am more nuts than I already am! :)

[swearnsue]

I was thinking the other day about how your partner or spouse is support you, and realized mine doesn't.
My husband thinks all the hair stuff I do, no matter how I explain it, is weird. The other, after I hennaed my hair darker so I could bring it closer to my more natural colour, he told me straight out he disliked it, didn't understand why I did it, and that he prefers it when I'm a redhead.
Henna is permanent though, and I felt like crap because he didn't like it, and didn't support me. I don't want to feel like I have to be a redhead for him to find me more attractive. The way he phrased it was that he finds me sexy all the time, just he likes my hair better, and finds it sexier.
He even dislikes it when I trim my hair.
Wondering if anyone else on the board has experienced lack of support from their partners and how they deal with it?
Half of me is more with my feminist side saying, if he doesn't like it, well thats just too bad for him- but the other side is hurt by what he said and regrets even changing my hair to what I wanted and like. And I do like my hair colour now. That's what should matter, I know, but I still feel bad.:(
I did it last night (hennaed it darker). Pic I took took seconds ago is in my album "New Hair" if you want to take a look. (Don't judge me- its a bad pic, but so what?!)

Dear Amber Maiden, I know it's easy to say that it is how YOU feel about your hair that matters but in the real world we really really really care about what hubby thinks. My only advice for you is this, don't share everything with hubby. Some things are better shared with "sisters" girlfriends that will just know how to be supportive. When you are young, like yourself, you want to share EVERYTHING with hubby but you have to learn to keep some secrets in your heart. There are some beauty treatments I only do when hubby is out of the house for a while because men just don't get it and never will. (there are exceptions though) For example: hennas, deep treatments, singing and dancing with the dogs, waxing, relaxing baths and washing the chickens.:cheese: Take care sweetie!!!

[yrrebwartsymssi]

My Fiance supports me... I think. He loves my hair and plays in it and allows me to indulge in inexpensive hair toys lol. When I start to talk about my hair routine or anything he immediately changes the subject. But when he catches my hair down he compliments me, tells me its growing, and tells me to keep doing whatever it is i am doing lol (just not talk to him about it I guess)...

[Nae]

Sorry you are feeling this way.

How exactly did you henna it darker? If it is indigo making it dark it may fade back to the red if you don't reapply it. Sometimes indigo doesn't stick very well the first time. Just saying that if you want to go back to the red it might not be too late. But frankly, I quite like the darker color on you, your eyes really "pop" with that hair color.

I am thinking you big internet hugs right now. Darn husbands!!!!!

[Medusa]

I'm sorry about your situation :( My husband actually prefers short hair on me, but he really doesn't care about the length, he just wants to see my neck. As long I keep it up when it's long, he's good :p He laughs at my concoctions but is actually receptive to some of it and wants an identical BBB to the one I bought the other day.

I'm lucky though - I've put on 30 pounds since we got married, he thinks I'm just as sexy now as I was then and he lets me know, frequently. He loves me for me, no matter what I look like.

[patienceneeded]

DH is completely supportive, even when my head is being smothered in oils and conditioners, shower-cap covered, and my ugly green bandana tied on top. He does roll his eyes a little, but so do I. He loves long hair, but to him waist is pretty long. He's not sure if he'll like anything past that length, but I know him. He'll adjust as it grows and pretty soon waist will be too short. I have had every color, and he has always supported me. He listens patiently while I blather on about hair care, approves heartily of CO washing for DD4 and me and even makes me hairtoys. Lately he's been on a feathered earring kick (I have 6 pairs now) but he has made me hairsticks and is working on a hairfork. I'm not *allowed* to buy wooden hairtoys, because he can make them. Glass and acrylic are fine to buy. He didn't bat an eye when about 8 conditioners suddenly showed up in the shower (maybe he didn't see them?). Most impressive to me is that I got him to toss his beloved Head and Shoulders Dry Scalp shampoo and conditioner (he's been using it for 20 years!) and switch to Trader Joes Tea Tree Tingle shampoo and conditioner. No cones or sulfates, plus the natural tea tree oil to help his itchy scalp. He loves it! The cold tingly feeling is the best part, I've been informed. DH is the greatest!

[dRummie]

DBF has asked me to please not cut it back to pixie-length (as in "pleease :shake:" , lol). I don't see myself wanting that for many years to come, so it's not a big deal. Apparently he liked it best when the lowest layer was just above shoulder, and the shortest was ~5" from the top of my head (when I was growing out said pixie). But I in turn can't give him that, because there's no way on earth anybody would willingly subject themselves to a haircut so unmanageable. So I think we're even, haha.

Other than that, he may not be terribly interested in hair care, but he's very respectful of anything I want to do, hair-related or not. Plus, he's a scientist, so if I explained why a certain food product was going on my head, he wouldn't think I was crazy :)

[Cassie 123]

I've got the same thing going on as spidermom and Carolyn. I had 6" cut off this past spring and my husband didn't notice a thing. He just doesn't give a damn anymore.

Amber Maiden, you are gorgeous. Try not to sweat the small stuff.

[scottigirl_01]

My fiancé loves my long hair and says be wants to supervise any trims so too much is not cut.

[stefalupagus]

My husband supports whatever I want to do, and loves me no matter what. That said, he's terrified of change in things like hair cut, or clothing (getting him to try on a new style of pants is like pulling effing teeth), and expresses those concerns to me. He has said before that my hair is "cute" at shoulder or so, and "pretty" long. He likes it either way, though.

I have to say I disagree with those of you who say that men "just don't understand xyz..." Our culture tells men not to care about "woman things" the same way women are enculturated not to care about "man things." I think if you have an understanding, caring person who loves you regardless of their sex or gender, they will at least be supportive of you doing the things that make you happy. My husband and I share everything with each other whether it's significant or not. Even though I'm not fanatical about Cisco networking (his profession), and he's not passionate about social science, we share one another's interests because we share the same life. Maybe I'm just a luck girl who got to marry her best friend.

[catamonica]

My dh likes my waist length hair. But he doesnt like to see my hair In a bun.

[Lady Malys]

My DBF is amazingly supportive and I have never felt more beautiful than since he and I have been together. He is being very supportive of me growing out my hair (and is keeping me patient on the long journey ;) ). He has done an amazing job of helping me gain confidence that had been chipped away over a long, miserable marriage to a neglectful husband.

And TheLaughingGod, I do love your hair, and will love you even if you cut it all off ... I would be shocked ... but love you always.

[InTheCity]

Spidermom, Carolyn and Cassie - maybe your respective doofuses just don't SAY they notice things. Men can be... special like that.

At present, my DH supports me too much. As in, refuses to agree with me or let me whine about my hair dresser chopping all of my hair off. DH loves the cut because he loves change. When I grew from upper back to BSL in 2009-10, he was very supportive.

[Carolyn]

Spidermom, Carolyn and Cassie - maybe your respective doofuses just don't SAY they notice things. Men can be... special like that.
LMAO seriously I don't think so. Yes he is a doofus but he really really notices nothing. I mean nothing. It's a good thing because he never notices new clothes or new things in the house. Never. It took him something like 6 months to see I went from 2 holes in each ear to 5 in one and 3 in the other. I accidentally called his attention to it by getting a hair wrapped around an earring and I was freaking out about that when I was driving :D One winter I grew my hair out on my legs and he never noticed. This was way back when we still slept in the same bed so you would think he would have noticed. He found out I had grown it out when I made an offhand remark about it taking 2 razors to shave it all off. So yeah more than a doofus :rolleyes: BTW that leg hair was so damn itchy.

[intothemist1999]

My hubby love is long (I'm not sure it could be TOO long for his liking!lol) He's my best "hair dresser" because when I need him to help with a trim I KNOW he wont' be cutting it too short!

[phantomphreak93]

My EX-boyfriend did not support me... He would always say "you should get bangs" or "you should get a new hair cut"! He said he liked long hair but not TOO long. His ideal length for me was like boob length :p I wanted to grow my hair to my waist. Sad to say... I cut my hair for him, but not very much. Now that we are not together I am growing my hair as long as I want it and my next boyfriend better like it :patrol:

[Jing]

My fiancé is a bit confused by me putting "weird stuff" in my hair, but he loves to play with it when it's all nice and soft. I've asked him what he thinks of my growing my hair out, but he is of no opinion since he doesn't know what it'll look like.

[Gulbahar]

My boyfriend doesn't really know what I do to my hair all day long. But he definitely loves the result!
The other day he looked over my shoulder when I was reading a thread here and there was that sig pic of one member that showed a really nice braid. He said, wow, that is a thick braid! I answered that I would like to have a thick braid like this or at least less taper. To which he said, you know that some people would kill to have hair like yours, do you? :cheese:

[Avital88]

i think he just needs to get used to it..like someone else said about men and changes :)
Also i think it would be betetr not to ask a SO too much about advice, most men arent really knowing what theyre saying if it comes to hair

[Lady Malys]

I answered that I would like to have a thick braid like this or at least less taper. To which he said, you know that some people would kill to have hair like yours, do you? :cheese:

This made me smile so much ... that had to be such a wonderful thing to hear from him!

[CurlyMopTop]

My DH has supported me no matter what I've done to my hair. When I told him that I've decided to grow it long though, he began to reminisce about what my hair looked like when we first met. I never really knew just how much he liked it long until then. He even made a sad face the last trim (I took an inch of the bottem to get rid of some of the v shape). I didn't mean to trim that much off though. He told me to wait until he's home next time so that he can help me. :)

Now as far as weight goes, 14 years ago when we first met, he made me promise that I would never get fat. Now we are both a little heavier than what we used to be, but neither of us mind. We still see the same person we met many years ago regardless of weight, wrinkles and hair. Now we just worry about keeping ourselves healthy. ;)

I have to admit though, there are times when I wish I had my own bed too! :D

[racrane]

I always asked my boyfriend if he minded long hair - I've actually posted a couple of times in this thread, I believe - and he said he never did. Of course, then I pointed to my body and asked "What's the longest?" He thinks mid back is the longest. He also said at which point I got annoyed, that really long hair "To your butt!" is a "fashoin whoops". Now, he's a guy and I'll do my own thing anyway. But I'm kind of annoyed. I would like to get around waist/hip (not sure exactly, just letting it be) so maybe my boyfriend won't noticed if it's very healthy and up most of the time.

[Celtic Morla]

My DH loves my hair long and doesn't care what I do to it herealizes my "wierd" hair things are probably the best for it as I tend to do a lot of research and learn thigns before I jump in! Just last night he was smelling my hair saying how much he liked it that it didnt smell full of icky stinky stuff(peppermeint Dr B's and AVC only) and I gave him the biggest smile which he took as an invitation!!LOL

Kids were looking at us wierd this am..LOL Teenagers!!!!

[princessp]

My DH is generally indifferent about my hair. He's never said anything bad, but that doesn't mean he has always loved it (he's just never expressed it so who knows). But funny you posted a DH/DW thread because lately mine has been really into it (not sure what's going on). My hair is the longest it has ever been (TB) maybe that's it. Who knows. Also he does like to look at and comment on my hairtoys.

We've been together about 13-14 years and I would describe him as being supportive of virtually everything I do. He's pretty much perfect for me. But anyway OP, I'd say as long as he supports you on the really important/big things I don't think it is a huge deal that he happens to prefer your hair redder.

ETA:
CurlyMopTop Now as far as weight goes, 14 years ago when we first met, he made me promise that I would never get fat. Now we are both a little heavier than what we used to be, but neither of us mind. We still see the same person we met many years ago regardless of weight, wrinkles and hair. Now we just worry about keeping ourselves healthy.
That is true love! :)

[Merkaba]

My BF of over 6 years is incredibly supportive to me in every way possible...but we have an honesty policy and if I ask if he likes something he will give me an honest opinion.

He will compliment my hair if it looks nice and strokes my head often. He definately has a prefence for long hair, and likes it when it smells good. He also enjoys when I henna my hair.

Call me old fashioned but most of my primping is for my man, if he likes something I try to accomadate as long as I don't absolutely hate it.

[Gulbahar]

This made me smile so much ... that had to be such a wonderful thing to hear from him!
It was! Especially as it was so unexpected. :D

[Kricket]

Men can be insensitive. Don't take it too hard!

(And that's why this forum is here -- we're always excited to hear about the fun, new stuff you do with your hair.)

=)