Help me think this through? (how to react)

[CurlyCap]

Hi All!

(warning: LONG)

I've been reading this forum for a few weeks, and thought this might be just the group of long hairs to help me think through a conundrum. :undecided:

Here we go:

I come from a family that prizes long hair. My mother's hair was to her knees when she was my age. Growing up, my hair was always at least to my waist when dry. In my early 20s, I learned how to take care of curly hair, and usually wore it down. It looked like this:

http://i53.tinypic.com/r245k4.jpg

If I got sick of the volume, I wore it with shorter layers in the front, but caved to pressure to keep it long in back. It looked like this:

http://i53.tinypic.com/8x4xtk.jpg

It was ALWAYS long. As a child, my mom would do microtrims. As I got older, I realized many hair dressers didn't know what to do with that much curly hair, and so I usually only got it cut once a year to keep it a manageable length.

Last year, I cut it all off.

I had thought about it for years. Bought wigs, did faux bobs. Really, I just wanted to know what it was like to have short hair, what it was like to not go through 5 bottles of conditioner a month, etc. I cut it so it looked like this:

http://i54.tinypic.com/2u4in2a.jpg

It was a bathroom chop, and when I realized I liked it, I got it professionally cut to look like this:

http://i54.tinypic.com/rbfrte.jpg

I LOVE IT.

I'm learning so many things about my hair that I didn't know because I had never seen it short (I was too young to remember it at that stage). I used to think my hair grew slowly because it took so long for new length to make an impression on me. Now that it's short, I realize it grows a little over an inch a month. Whoa! I've also learned that my curls don't care how short my hair is. The curl pattern is pretty much the same! Lots of fun surprises.

Long story short, I've learned that I love my hair, long or short, and I'm now much more adventurous with my hair. I know it will grow back!

However, there has been a bad side. Something I never expected.

Immediately after the chop, only a few people commented on my cutting my hair short, mostly my family. My mother worried the most because in her culture women should have long hair on their wedding day and I'm not married yet. If I were older, she wouldn't have minded the chop. We had that talk, hugged it out, and I thought I was in the clear, free to enjoy my fun, short hair.

But now, several months later, I've realized something else is wrong. I'm starting to feel the social difference cutting my hair off has had. While my appearance hasn't really changed (weight, wardrobe, style), people seem to take me less seriously than before. I was overjoyed that I could set aside the complicated/grand/huge/statement updos I used to wear a lot, but it seems people interpreted them as my charisma/personality. Even the number of men who approach me and ask me out have fallen drastically! People I've known for years pass me in the hallway, and then apologize and say they didn't see me because they didn't see "The Hair". Sometimes, I feel like I don't exist anymore!

No one, I'm not even kidding, has called me pretty since I've cut off my hair.

I always knew my hair drew a lot of attention. I didn't mind it because because long hair, especially curly hair, is rare these days. People would reach out and touch it, but that only ticked me off because of the invasion of personal space. I admit I also didn't like how so many of the men I date would ask me out starting with, "I've always loved your hair."

Ie, I knew my hair was a factor, but I didn't realize it was so much of what people see!

And while dealing with it was a big job, I'm starting to think it's better than being overlooked completely.

I find my thoughts completely bizarre because I know I'm not my hair, but other people sure make it seem like I was. It's gone and so is a lot of people's interest.

Has this happened to any of you? What did you think? How did you respond?

Any thoughts, tales, reflections appreciated!

CurlyCap

[dawnss]

Hmm even though I can't see your face I think that your hair cut is cute and remember that this is a journey. Your thoughts are not bizarre think about it, you have finally come to the true realization that eventhough people like your personality many people in your life notice your hair first. It is understandable why it is hard to grapple with, when I first went natural as in I was not going to get any relaxers it was weird because my hair would usually look decent when I had straight hair. Now though I sometimes feel awkward because even though my hair is collarbone/shoulder length I can't do many styles that other people can do because of shrinkage. What I did do though was learn to accept my hair and then work with it, now people say that they like my afro puff and that my neck length braids look pretty cool. Curlycap remember that journies are taken in stages and that it takes time to heal from wounds, because honestly even though people say "hair is hair" it really represents so much for so many people, think of the attachment some have to long hair, straight hair, their curls, going to the salon, constantly buying products, and etc. Coming to the realization that people in your life put so much emphasis on your hair instead of you, well that is hard. Do not be so hard on yourself (:

[lizdini]

Well, as for the people that don't recognize you, thats pretty common when someone changes their look dramatically. If you had lost or gained a significant amount of weight, for example. That part will certainly get better as people get used to the new you. The drop in men asking you out could also be seen as a good sign. I mean if they only asked you out because they liked a physical feature of yours, but didn't like or have an interest in the rest of you, they wouldn't really be great long term relationship material. You deserve better than that! Your confusion is also normal. Anytime we make a big change in our lives there can be a period of grief and doubt before we 'normalize" and move on. I imagine this could be made worse by seemingly going "against" your culture's and families' values.
For what it's worth I think your hair is beautiful both long and short! Give it more time and see what is best for you! :grouphug:

[MissAlida]

I've had shoulder lenght hair all my life. About 5 years ago I decided to cut it into a pixie. What can I say...my family liked it. Most of the older people complimented me on it, but my classmates and friends were not thrilled. You just have to do what's good for you, you know. Not everyone can like you, and if men, or friends only like you for your appearance, it means that they do not care for you the way they should. You'll see that with time, the people that really love you will get used to your new look:). Anyways, most women and men feel intimidated by someone, who has the courage to cut their hair short. I'm not saying that long haired women can not be courageus (I am a long hair now, and I don't consider myself a coward), but we must admit that long hair does provide a curtain to hide behind. You can try being more outgoing, and just have patience...people will get used to it. :o
P.S.: short hair rocks!:D

[alyanna]

Interesting and well-written post CurlyCap and welcome to LHC!

I had similar reactions to my hair when it was long. I wore it between APL and BSL from the time I was 15 until recently. During high school and college, my hair seemed to be one of my main attractions. It was curly, 3a, and a solid ii, and very voluminous. It looked like I had a ton of curls. I got compliments and oohs and aaahs all the time. I never wanted to go short because I knew how much appeal my hair had.

It's true that once I did cut it, I lost all of that attention. Focused moved from my hair to other things. But you know, I didn't end up minding too much. I was just starting a new, very professional kind of job where everyone around me was much older. Having that shorter, contained hair seemed appropriate for the environment.

These days I miss getting positive attention on my hair. I don't even know if it'll look nearly as good as it used to when I wore it long. I guess we'll have to see.

But I hear you loud and clear. It's like losing part of your identity.

[Mesmerise]

I remember after cutting off long hair in the past (to a bob I think) and more than once I got comments like, "you used to be stunning with long hair!" or "you looked so pretty with long hair!" and ironically, nobody ACTUALLY ever called me pretty when my hair WAS long so I was a bit shattered by this :p.

Now I've cut my hair short again since then, but I am always aware of the fact that I look better with long hair, and I do feel less attractive with short hair.

However, it has to be about how YOU feel about yourself. Every time I've chopped my hair I've regretted it and grown it long again. If you love your short hair then keep it! One day you may get tired of it and grow it long again. As your hair grows fast then it won't really take too long to grow nice long hair if you decide it's for you!

[torrilin]

It looks to me like you tend to be a pretty quiet dresser, with fairly austere tastes. Restrained, classic and elegant look to be adjectives you like for your clothes.

A lot of young women would tend to wear brighter colors or tighter clothes or more jewelry (or all at once...). For you, the hair has probably always worked to fill that role in your wardrobe. Makes sense. That much hair is wildly attention getting.

And well, it is natural that the combination of quiet, restrained, elegantly chic hair and quiet, restrained, elegantly chic clothes... to a lot of people it is going to look drab. Before declaring this a failure, it would be well to try other sorts of accessorizing, and whether any of them are worth learning how to use. My own natural tendency is along the same lines. I compensate with scarves and red shoes. A restrained, classic scarf will still be wildly bright and not terribly expensive. And getting a good comfortable shoe in bright red is neutral in my wardrobe... but very attention getting.

Chances are good that by judicious use of accessories, you can look more like yourself and still have the hair you want *and* the attention you want.

[WaitingSoLong]

Interesting and well-written post CurlyCap and welcome to LHC!

I second this!

I will tell you that when I was in my early 20's I changed my hair a lot trying to BE the person I wanted to be, but that was always changing. It depended on where I was in life at that time. Now I realize my ME-ness does not depend on what I wear or how my hair is but those things are now a reflection of my me-ness and some people don't like it. I dress how I like and I realize it is very trendy a lot of times and not "appropriate" for someone my age (says who...anyway?). But my desire changed from being accepted to being comfortable with myself somewhere in my late 20's. Being acecpted was very important to me up until then, though.

Other peoples ideals for us are very powerful, especially when they come from family. I honestly don't know what it is like to truly NEVER care what others think of me. I have discarded some expectations, but seem still a slave to others.

I did chop my hair once, from about MBL to a not-quite-pixie (I don't think the term pixie existed back then anyway). I was 22. I was 8 months pregnant with my third child.

I loved it for about a week then hated it. I knew then than short hair is not for me. I cut it again in my mid-twenties to about shoulder length. I liked that much better but it still was not "me".

I do think my hair IS my identity at this point, but not because my hair made me my identity, but because I made my hair part of my identity.

If I chopped it, I would get this: OH NO! why did you cut your hair? I can't believe you cut off all that long blonde hair...etc. Even tho no one says anything about my hair now. I consider chopping it a lot and actually, now I know why I cannot do it (thinking through this reply...thanks! lol)

I found out when I gained some weight once that, apparently, I am much more "approchable" and "friendly looking" if I am chubby. Gee.

It exhausts me to try and figure out what the world expects of me and what makes them comfortable. I have decided that eccentric is just an intrinsic part of me and as the years go by I am slowly giving myself permission to be exactly that. By the time I am 50 I will probably be one of those weird eccentric ladies people never really get to know because I intimidate them. Whatever. At least I will be happy with who I am. But it was a choice I wanted to make. Sorry, I am probably getting too deep here and am probably mostly talking to myself at this point.

I think it is very normal for people to attach a physical feature to your personality. I applaud you for making the cut and am sorry you are having negative reactions from people. Perhaps time will make that go away and people will realize you are still you.

Hair is the most changeable feature we have (clothes are not a feature, they are an accessory) and it is not a new concept for hair to be a part of identity. There is a "look" for certain social groups, like goths, jocks, preps, etc. that is strongly tied with hairstyles (perhaps mostly in teens). I know all the kids my oldest son hangs out with have THE SAME HAIRSTYLE, they are all part of the same social group. He will never cut his hair short because that would risk the chance of him getting mistaken for another social group.

I like to think that goes away after a certain age, but then it seems not to. For example, there is a big stereotype around here for "mom hair" and apparently it is negative. Then there is "old lady hair" that everyone says they will never have when they are that old.

Ultimately we have to decide how important social standards are to us and that age-old phrase I SWORE I would never quote: Be true to yourself.

[Mayflower]

Let me start off by saying you have gorgeous hair, long or short!

I really don't get why some people take so much interest in other peoples hair. I admit, my own hair IS very important to me and I care alot for it, but if a friend of mine would decide to cut her hair from waist to a pixie, I wouldn't blink twice. It isn't a big deal and I find it so strange that people are treating you differently because of a haircut, even though it may take a while for them to get used to it.

Regarding the men-thing: it's true that, in general, men prefer long hair on women because it looks feminine. When I had short hair I used to 'compensate' that by wearing a bit of eye make-up and dresses (that hasn't changed even though I'm at waist now btw:p). You could do that too, wearing make-up etc, if getting attention from men is important to you. If it's not your style or you don't care about that, then you don't!

Either way, for me the difference between a pretty girl and a stunning one, is confidence. You are clearly very happy with your hair now and trust me, nothing (not even long hair) is more sexy than confidence!

[racrane]

I understand what you are saying. But you have such pretty hair, no matter the length. I do find it interesting how much hair is apart of ourselves. Have you ever noticed high school girls who all have the same hairstyle and length? They all straighten it and keep it between shoulder and BSL. Anyway, people like their hair to usually fit in OR to stand apart. Either choice is yours to make. People do react to your looks. I know when I started to gain weight people started to talk to me more and I had girls tell me they weren't as jealous (um, gee, thanks?). So it's frustrating that people do respond to looks as much as they do. I don't have any answers except that I'm going my own way in life and doing what makes me happy.

[Peggy E.]

You did a very brave thing by cutting off your hair. From what you've revealed here, you come from a culture that is rather confining for women - which, in reality, is pretty much ALL cultures, some to a lesser degree.

For you to decide to take this risk, to cut that hair, was more of a statement on what you are wanting in your life, taking control and living your life on your terms. Cutting your hair was a safer way to test those waters of independence, for you knew it would grow back.

This started out as a step you wanted to take for yourself, but now you find your resolve weakening. Is this simply because people aren't reacting to you because your hair is short? Or have you discovered there are still changes in your life you need to make that go far deeper than the matter of cutting your hair?

As for your hair - it is, after all, YOUR hair. What do you like? The beautiful short or the beautiful long? For it IS beautiful - if you shaved it off, it would be beautiful. Just look at those fantastic dimples - you must have the most amazing smile!

You are the same person today as the one who had a ton of curly hair falling about her. You may simply need to give people time to grow accustomed to seeing YOU and not just your hair. This goes for you, as well.

All that spirit, gusto, robust life you had shining about you in your hair was radiating from you - and it's still there. Flash that gorgeous smile, walk tall and proud, love yourself and your life and all you are doing for yourself. You are going to be noticed and for the right reasons - because YOU are TERRIFIC!!

Go get 'em, girl! ;o)

[PJ-Sander]

Hi All!

<snip>

No one, I'm not even kidding, has called me pretty since I've cut off my hair.


... I know I'm not my hair"

CurlyCap

Awww, honey... **Hugs**
First, you ARE pretty--I can tell that from the photos, even with your face fuzzed out.
Second, you're right; we are not our hair... and yet we are.
Especially if we have hair that is exceptional (i.e. not fried beyond belief, long or uber-long), it tends to become our trademark...our "brand", if you will. What do you think of when you see an image of a white skull and crossbones with crossed swords? A pirate, yes? Your long hair was your brand, your image--was you, in their minds. Most people have trouble accepting change, you know its true. :) The bottom line is that your hair is yours to do with as you please. From what I can see, you're pretty either way.

[spidermom]

Interesting.

I've never had such an experience because I've grown my hair out to about APL/BSL, then cut it short many times. This time I've been growing for 10 years, so I'd probably see more of a reaction if I cut it short. But I don't want to.

[newbeginning]

I think it looks great both long and short. Just focus on how you want your hair to be now. Grow it if you want or keep it short. Not to be an influence but when I see women with your hair texture grown out long I think it looks awesome and I'm going to be honest I get a bit jealous because it looks so great.

[Silverdragn7385]

Your hair is great...both long and short!

I've noticed that the comments I get have varied depending on the length and color. The most comments I received were when my hair was BSL and was dyed black. I honestly don't think I ever went one day (when I was out in public) without at least one comment on it. Now it's back to my virgin color and hip-length, and not too many people comment on it, other than to say "wow, you have long hair!" (Really? Gosh I had NO CLUE! XD)

I kind of miss the black...and to this day I'm still tempted to dye it again!

[BabyRay33]

I think your hair is lovely, no matter the length. I think the issue you are having is that people around you put you in a box, you were the wild free hair girl, and you moved yourself out of the box, which throws people all off cause they don't know where you belong anymore, and they wonder how to classify you again. One of my best friends had really thick brown hair and she even had an enviable "Rogue" blonde streak that happened naturally. I loved her hair, and even though I thought it was so lame that her mother wouldn't let her dye it (even with me at salons) I understand that not dying it was what helped her hair be awesome...and mine less so.
But recently, she dyed all of it: dark dark brown. In some light, it looks black. And while I think it looks nice...it doesn't look like her. I've known her for most of my life, and to see a change like that...it's unsettling in a way. I guess it calls to attention that things are never permanent, and can change anytime...and I guess people (myself included) don't like change.

But not liking change doesn't mean that you are any less beautiful (notice how I didn't say your hair!) You are being who you are...and that is always cool.

[feralnature]

I think you are pretty either way too. We all must learn to sport our hair no matter what length. Just be proud of how it looks and others will follow. So much of a woman's beauty is attitude.

[pittsburgpam]

I think that whether we like it or not, our hair is a big part of our identity to others. I've done some reading on evolutionary psychology and it seems that long hair is universally preferred in all cultures, especially in matters of mating. The state of our hair can indicate youth, health, vitality, and implied fertility. It can also indicate the opposite, showing evidence of poor nutrition and disease. It's true that most of us grow our hair for ourselves. I would also say that most of us, if we admit it or not, know these things instinctively. The social pressure on "older" women to not have long hair stems from these ingrained beliefs and perceptions. Like she is somehow "cheating" or trying to deceive.

There are all sorts of physical characteristics that consciously, or subconsciously, affect our attraction to others. Women, when they are fertile, have a preference for men who display physical traits of strength and health, better to provide for potential children. Men prefer firm toned skin, healthy color, a womanly shape, etc. that denote youth and fertility.

We can rail against this as much as we want as being shallow and unfair but, it's way too ingrained in our evolution to just turn it off. The book Survival of the Prettiest was very enlightening.

[CurlyCap]

Thank you for your responses everyone! They really helped me gain different perspectives instead of just stewing in my own thoughts.

Overall, I've decided that I'm happy with the haircut, and that if people could only define me by my hair, then they didn't know me very well at all.

Right now, I want to watch it grow, and have decided that that is enough reason to let my hair get longer. If I find a length I want to stop at, so be it. Before I had a pressing concern that I was growing to get back people's regard, and started to doubt my own motivations. It was a very odd feeling.

In good news, it was very humid today, and my shoulder length curls decided to form a giant springy cloud around my head. I loved it. And a lady at the pharmacy looked up from her computer screen and smiled. "Your hair is so cute. My hair won't do that." It made me smile because I had spent so many months bemoaning my lack of compliments AND the compliment had nothing to do with length. :D

[Celtic Morla]

My niece is mixed race and she gets a lot of attitude fromher mo about her hair it's a lot liek yours. She chopped it off about 9 months ago and she looked incredible (think halle berry at 16!) and my brother and her mom gave her the riot act. I felt lik eit made her looks it was overwhelming her before but they didn;t like it at all. Possibly the fact eh rmom is from Trinandad and there is a lot of emphasis put on th women to grow their hair because it is hard to grow it and keep it nice!! She is also dealing with other issues from her parents and I feel like alot of them are silly but family can sometiems have pretty ill conceived ideas about hwo one should look!