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shyone
April 8th, 2011, 10:18 AM
I have hip length hair which my mom loathes.Despite being an adult she will still go through periods of hassling me to cut my hair and my sister will join in.She cannot seem to respect my decision regarding my hair.

My faith requires women to have long hair; this was also a rule in a very strict church my family used to go to.The church had many problems and was very strict so eventually my family left.I'm glad they left but in reaction to their new freedom the female members in my family all have short hair now and I suspect they hate my hair because it reminds them of the church they left.My family are now so anti-religion (and who can blame them) that I dare not admit my faith so it's not even that I explain why I will not cut my hair.The thought of cutting my hair short makes me sad but I don't really have an option! In that church it used to be a rule that, I as a female, must have long hair but now outside the church it's now a rule within my family that I must have short hair.I feel some day I will probably cave into chopping my glory off.I am sure I am not alone in this pressure over something so simple and so personal.Does anyone have any advice?

Cupofmilk
April 8th, 2011, 10:39 AM
I can't help with the relgious side as I am Church of England.

But my mother is always hasstling me to cut my hair. In Decem,ber 2009 I gave in to the constant pressure - I was somewhere between TB and Classic and I cut off to BSL when wet. I was busy with a sick child and only 6 months later it hit me. I have to say I regret cutting that much off. A trim to waist or hip would have been enough and I would have reaslised I wanted longhair without taking so much off.
Back at hip now my mother is back on the bandwagon. What I do is wear my hair up in a bun everytime I see her - she has now idea how long it is now and with it tidyly away she often forgets I have long hair!

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 10:47 AM
I try the hiding the hair in the bun trick but it doesn't work.It was the standard hairstyle of the church group to the point that some outsiders refered to the women as "Bunheads".:p The sight of my hair in a bun annoys my mom because of it's connotations.

You say you have a child so I'm guessing you are either around my age or may be a bit older than me- and your mom is still at you.It looks like I'm not the only adult getting scolded for having hair longer than the norm.It very much is "conform or else".

MysticWings
April 8th, 2011, 10:48 AM
I agree with Cupofmilk's idea of just tying it up around your family. I have really long hair and it's due to religious reasons but my family's in on it, so that's all fine for me. Whatever you do, don't cave into pressures since it's your hair and you should do what you feel you want to! Hang in there and good luck <3

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 10:50 AM
I agree with Cupofmilk's idea of just tying it up around your family. I have really long hair and it's due to religious reasons but my family's in on it, so that's all fine for me. Whatever you do, don't cave into pressures since it's your hair and you should do what you feel you want to! Hang in there and good luck <3

Thank you.:o It can be hard at times.

MysticWings
April 8th, 2011, 10:53 AM
You could try looking into hairstyles that give the illusion of shorter hair? I have a few things that I do where people can't really tell how long my hair is. Even just doing half-buns could make people forget your hair is so long!

mrs_coffee
April 8th, 2011, 10:57 AM
Whenever someone I care about hassles me about something I try to respond unemotionally with something like "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I understand your feelings on the matter. Thank you." and leave it at that.

They can blab at me all day to conform to their wishes. I refuse, but I also refuse to indulge them in their attempts to bully me into reacting.

curlytm
April 8th, 2011, 11:00 AM
Aww, shyone. I'm sorry about the pressure that your mom/family is putting on you. I'm even more sorry about the stress that it is causing you. I'm sure you've explained to your mom that you love your long hair.

But ultimately, I'm worried that with all this pressure, you will see your hair as a stressor rather than something that you're proud of.

I don't really have real advice on this front, but know that my thoughts are with you and I hope these things get smoothed out.

jojo
April 8th, 2011, 11:10 AM
Oh dear what a dilemma. How old are you? I have 2 daughters and have never dictated to them how to have their hair, as I see it as a part of their identity. Maybe sitting your parents down and saying in a calm manner, that long hair is part of who you are (don't bring religion into it) and you really don't want short(er) hair.

Having long hair should not have an impact on your relationship with them and I find it rather disturbing and verging on control freak to be honest.

Siiri
April 8th, 2011, 11:49 AM
I think parents will never stop seeing you as a child, not even when your 50+:shrug:
Still your hair (and faith) are your private matters, your the only one who should have a say in them.

I hope you are not offended by this, I'm just curious, but I have never heard of (christian?) movements where women should keep their hair long. What are these called and are they popular? Where I live there are some revival movements of the Lutheran church which have some rules (it depends how strict they are) about hair, like your not supposed to dye it etc.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 12:05 PM
Whenever someone I care about hassles me about something I try to respond unemotionally with something like "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I understand your feelings on the matter. Thank you." and leave it at that.

They can blab at me all day to conform to their wishes. I refuse, but I also refuse to indulge them in their attempts to bully me into reacting.

I like your technique!

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 12:07 PM
Aww, shyone. I'm sorry about the pressure that your mom/family is putting on you. I'm even more sorry about the stress that it is causing you. I'm sure you've explained to your mom that you love your long hair.

But ultimately, I'm worried that with all this pressure, you will see your hair as a stressor rather than something that you're proud of.

I don't really have real advice on this front, but know that my thoughts are with you and I hope these things get smoothed out.

Thank you.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 12:09 PM
Oh dear what a dilemma. How old are you? I have 2 daughters and have never dictated to them how to have their hair, as I see it as a part of their identity. Maybe sitting your parents down and saying in a calm manner, that long hair is part of who you are (don't bring religion into it) and you really don't want short(er) hair.

Having long hair should not have an impact on your relationship with them and I find it rather disturbing and verging on control freak to be honest.

I'm getting close to my mid-twenties.Old enough to decide on my hair length- or so I thought.

Islandgrrl
April 8th, 2011, 12:31 PM
I think you are certainly at an age where you don't have to cave in to family pressure to wear your hair a certain length or style. Your mom and sister should, to be blunt, mind their own business. They made their choices about how to wear their hair, and they should extend the same basic courtesy to you. If it were me (and boy, oh boy, has it been) I would as politely as possible tell them that, and that the subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't have to go into a long explanation about the reasons you want to maintain your hair long, simply say that it makes you happy. That's enough. Because, really, what mom wouldn't want her daughter to be happy?

I will tell you that I'm 50 and I still get the occasional bit of lip from both my mom and my sister about my hair. My reply is always the same, "It makes me happy. When it doesn't, I'll cut it. Period. (and as my daughter likes to say, "End of story!")" In fact, my sister said something recently about the color. (for the record, I henna the gray hair at my temples and that is specifically what she was referring to) I told her to be happy it wasn't green. Stopped her dead in her tracks with that one.

Good luck. Its YOUR hair. Growing out of YOUR head. YOU get to decide.

AspenSong
April 8th, 2011, 12:31 PM
My advice is be strong and don't cave!!

Been there, done that...got the t-shirt. :p

Years back when I was about 18, I had past tailbone length hair. I loved it. However, living next door to my Aunt and down the street from my grandparents caused issues because for whatever the reason was...My Aunt and Grandmother made it their mission it seemed to badger me into cutting my hair. No surprise, they both had short hair. In fact all the women in the family have had short hair. So they set out and did everything from try to talk me into cutting it in a nice way, by telling me how pretty I'd look with shorter hair....to a more harsh route, telling me how horrible and stringy my hair was. My dad stood up for me, telling them to leave me alone, it was my hair, I was old enough to do what I wanted with it...etc. I dealt with it for two years and finally, I caved. I cut allllllll that hair I had, into a shoulder length shag.

I have regretted that EVER since. And ya know what? After I did that....they just found other things to rag on me for anyway!! lol.

It's hard to do, but if YOU love your hair the way it is and YOU like it...that's all that matters. To me you can either let the comments roll off your back like water on a duck, or you can confront them and sit down and tell them it's your hair, it's your life and you need them to back off from the subject. Tell them if they don't like it, then it's a good thing it's on YOUR head and not theirs! JMO though!!!

Just stay true to you. Because in my experience, when you give in to something like even a haircut that you don't want...it causes a little break in your spirit and a little crack in your heart. Stay strong. *hugs*

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 12:39 PM
I hope you are not offended by this, I'm just curious, but I have never heard of (christian?) movements where women should keep their hair long. What are these called and are they popular? Where I live there are some revival movements of the Lutheran church which have some rules (it depends how strict they are) about hair, like your not supposed to dye it etc.

A lot of "low" Protestants in America would encourage women to have long hair.It is based on the chapter 1 Cor 11 and in some groups it is considered wrong to even trim the scraggled ends.Most Anabaptists women have really long hair also, although some of the slightly liberal Anabaptist women will trim their ends.It is said that conservative Protestant groups are growing fast in America with many women opting for long skirts, headcoverings, homeschooling, big families and long hair.My group wasn't like that but very strict and controlling.

spigette
April 8th, 2011, 12:45 PM
It's hard to do, but if YOU love your hair the way it is and YOU like it...that's all that matters. To me you can either let the comments roll off your back like water on a duck, or you can confront them and sit down and tell them it's your hair, it's your life and you need them to back off from the subject. Tell them if they don't like it, then it's a good thing it's on YOUR head and not theirs! JMO though!!!

Just stay true to you. Because in my experience, when you give in to something like even a haircut that you don't want...it causes a little break in your spirit and a little crack in your heart. Stay strong. *hugs*


Hear, hear, HEAR, HEAR!!!! What Jen said above, I totally agree. People love to tell women what to do with their hair/bodies/minds/hearts/you name it. You are your own person, your own woman, and you can do whatever you like with your hair. Don't cut it!!! As Jen said, they will just find something else to rag on you about.

Their need to have you fall in with their hair preferences definitely does NOT outweigh your need to control your own life and your body, and to enjoy your beautiful hair. Any fleeting satisfaction they might get from making you cut it would pass a lot sooner than the pain it would cause you. Stay strong and calm, and just keep saying, "I love my hair, it makes me happy to have it this way."

My mum has recently stopped nagging me to cut my hair. She has decided she approves, lol. About time, too, since I am 40 years old!! :rolleyes:

Good luck, honey. :)

Kherome
April 8th, 2011, 01:01 PM
I say who cares what the family thinks? You grow your hair to your feet if it makes you happy!




I think parents will never stop seeing you as a child, not even when your 50+:shrug:
Still your hair (and faith) are your private matters, your the only one who should have a say in them.

I hope you are not offended by this, I'm just curious, but I have never heard of (christian?) movements where women should keep their hair long. What are these called and are they popular? Where I live there are some revival movements of the Lutheran church which have some rules (it depends how strict they are) about hair, like your not supposed to dye it etc.

All Christian women are called to have long hair, it says so in the bible. However, most choose not to heed that these days.

Raponsje
April 8th, 2011, 01:14 PM
Remember. They really can't force you. Just bare with them trying to and become an expert in changing subjects. 'Cutting my hair? Well...look at that cat!'

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 01:31 PM
I think you are certainly at an age where you don't have to cave in to family pressure to wear your hair a certain length or style. Your mom and sister should, to be blunt, mind their own business. They made their choices about how to wear their hair, and they should extend the same basic courtesy to you. If it were me (and boy, oh boy, has it been) I would as politely as possible tell them that, and that the subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't have to go into a long explanation about the reasons you want to maintain your hair long, simply say that it makes you happy. That's enough. Because, really, what mom wouldn't want her daughter to be happy?

I will tell you that I'm 50 and I still get the occasional bit of lip from both my mom and my sister about my hair. My reply is always the same, "It makes me happy. When it doesn't, I'll cut it. Period. (and as my daughter likes to say, "End of story!")" In fact, my sister said something recently about the color. (for the record, I henna the gray hair at my temples and that is specifically what she was referring to) I told her to be happy it wasn't green. Stopped her dead in her tracks with that one.

Good luck. Its YOUR hair. Growing out of YOUR head. YOU get to decide.

Good for you Islandgrrl!:)

rhosyn_du
April 8th, 2011, 01:32 PM
It might help to acknowledge that you recognize that your mom associates long hair with her traumatic church experience, and explain that, while you would never want to do anything that hurts her, you need to have control over your own hair as much as she needs to have control over hers.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like your family had an experience with their church that's similar to what my SO went through with the church he grew up in, and trying to navigate emotional triggers from something like that sucks for everyone involved. :grouphug:

jojo
April 8th, 2011, 01:34 PM
I'm getting close to my mid-twenties.Old enough to decide on my hair length- or so I thought.
then its time to firm and tell them you are keeping your long hair and its not up for discussion. I know this may sound rude but you are a grown woman, they have no right demanding you cut your hair and remember respect is a 2 way thing; you deserve respect too. x

Misti
April 8th, 2011, 01:35 PM
Does it help any, shyone, that I still get hassled by my Mom to cut my hair?

No. No, I guess it wouldn't. :p

You've already had a lot of good advice, but I had some more thoughts.

If your family reacts to the "bun" look as much as to the long hair, you might consider (if you're comfortable with it) some fancier updoes that keep your hair contained like a bun could, but don't trip the "not allowed to cut it" buttons. Maybe a brained bun or crown braids? Maybe a faux Gibson Girl?

Basically the message of those fancier "dos" is that you love your hair and you like to play with it. That takes the implication of deprivation away.

In the end, I agree with everyone who said "Don't succumb" As someone else pointed out, they will just find some other way to try control you, and once they've succeeded with something so personal it will be harder to get them to knock it off.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 01:36 PM
My advice is be strong and don't cave!!

Been there, done that...got the t-shirt. :p

Years back when I was about 18, I had past tailbone length hair. I loved it. However, living next door to my Aunt and down the street from my grandparents caused issues because for whatever the reason was...My Aunt and Grandmother made it their mission it seemed to badger me into cutting my hair. No surprise, they both had short hair. In fact all the women in the family have had short hair. So they set out and did everything from try to talk me into cutting it in a nice way, by telling me how pretty I'd look with shorter hair....to a more harsh route, telling me how horrible and stringy my hair was. My dad stood up for me, telling them to leave me alone, it was my hair, I was old enough to do what I wanted with it...etc. I dealt with it for two years and finally, I caved. I cut allllllll that hair I had, into a shoulder length shag.

I have regretted that EVER since. And ya know what? After I did that....they just found other things to rag on me for anyway!! lol.

It's hard to do, but if YOU love your hair the way it is and YOU like it...that's all that matters. To me you can either let the comments roll off your back like water on a duck, or you can confront them and sit down and tell them it's your hair, it's your life and you need them to back off from the subject. Tell them if they don't like it, then it's a good thing it's on YOUR head and not theirs! JMO though!!!

Just stay true to you. Because in my experience, when you give in to something like even a haircut that you don't want...it causes a little break in your spirit and a little crack in your heart. Stay strong. *hugs*

I am sorry to hear that you go pushed into cutting your hair.I just hope I can hold out from caving in.My mom keeps drumming into my head that my long hair makes me look too young and therefore unemployable- and after a while I am starting to believe it.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 01:40 PM
Hear, hear, HEAR, HEAR!!!! What Jen said above, I totally agree. People love to tell women what to do with their hair/bodies/minds/hearts/you name it. You are your own person, your own woman, and you can do whatever you like with your hair. Don't cut it!!! As Jen said, they will just find something else to rag on you about.

Their need to have you fall in with their hair preferences definitely does NOT outweigh your need to control your own life and your body, and to enjoy your beautiful hair. Any fleeting satisfaction they might get from making you cut it would pass a lot sooner than the pain it would cause you. Stay strong and calm, and just keep saying, "I love my hair, it makes me happy to have it this way."

My mum has recently stopped nagging me to cut my hair. She has decided she approves, lol. About time, too, since I am 40 years old!! :rolleyes:

Good luck, honey. :)

Thank you!

I think I'll just have to keep drumming my hair, my decision into my mom's head.

spidermom
April 8th, 2011, 01:42 PM
"It's my hair and I'll wear it how I like it. You don't get a vote."

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 01:43 PM
Remember. They really can't force you. Just bare with them trying to and become an expert in changing subjects. 'Cutting my hair? Well...look at that cat!'

:D ..................

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 01:47 PM
I say who cares what the family thinks? You grow your hair to your feet if it makes you happy!





All Christian women are called to have long hair, it says so in the bible. However, most choose not to heed that these days.

My hair makes me happy but my mom makes me unhappy about my hair- if that makes sense?

MoonLover
April 8th, 2011, 01:51 PM
What's that phrase? "There are none so righteous as the newly converted."

I think that they are experiencing something like that and in time, they will calm down and become more moderate. Who knows? In time, they may start to regret cutting their hair and will look to you as someone who stayed strong and more level headed.

This too shall pass. I agree with mrs_coffee's approach, acknowledge them with respect but don't engage them or let them engage you in an argument if you can avoid it.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 01:59 PM
It might help to acknowledge that you recognize that your mom associates long hair with her traumatic church experience, and explain that, while you would never want to do anything that hurts her, you need to have control over your own hair as much as she needs to have control over hers.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like your family had an experience with their church that's similar to what my SO went through with the church he grew up in, and trying to navigate emotional triggers from something like that sucks for everyone involved. :grouphug:

The church was horrible.Rules on this, that and the other.Ultimate obedience to the preachers, having to host preachers in our home, the idea that those who didn't join the group would go to hell (I actually believed that and became scared to sleep at night lest I die and go to hell), being lied to about the group being founded in Acts 2 when it was actually founded 100 yrs ago, the 4 day conventions that consisted of 7.5 hours a day preaching, the belief that those who left were "bitter" and so on.. A few years after leaving I discovered it was a cult and everything clicked into place.

I did explain to my mom that I chose long hair and skirts not because I still felt bound to the rules of that church but because I prefered them.As a tweenie I rebelled a lot against the rules like the long hair rule so it confuses my mom why I would choose to now have long hair as an adult.I had to explain it was down to freedom of CHOICE and had to remind her that as a tweenie I was on a constant growth spurt and my hair was really bad as a result (constant tats, frizzy, static, greasey).

Marianne
April 8th, 2011, 02:00 PM
Whenever someone I care about hassles me about something I try to respond unemotionally with something like "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I understand your feelings on the matter. Thank you." and leave it at that.

They can blab at me all day to conform to their wishes. I refuse, but I also refuse to indulge them in their attempts to bully me into reacting.

This is what I do when feeling hassled by someone. If I do choose to explain myself and my choices, I do it only once then refuse to engage any further.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 02:02 PM
then its time to firm and tell them you are keeping your long hair and its not up for discussion. I know this may sound rude but you are a grown woman, they have no right demanding you cut your hair and remember respect is a 2 way thing; you deserve respect too. x

I have explained that to my mom; how I don't hassle her about her choice to cut her hair short and dye it, and how I expect the same courtsey.She forgets after a while and I find myself repeating it all over again.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 02:07 PM
Does it help any, shyone, that I still get hassled by my Mom to cut my hair?

No. No, I guess it wouldn't. :p

You've already had a lot of good advice, but I had some more thoughts.

If your family reacts to the "bun" look as much as to the long hair, you might consider (if you're comfortable with it) some fancier updoes that keep your hair contained like a bun could, but don't trip the "not allowed to cut it" buttons. Maybe a brained bun or crown braids? Maybe a faux Gibson Girl?

Basically the message of those fancier "dos" is that you love your hair and you like to play with it. That takes the implication of deprivation away.

In the end, I agree with everyone who said "Don't succumb" As someone else pointed out, they will just find some other way to try control you, and once they've succeeded with something so personal it will be harder to get them to knock it off.

I'm trying this but I'm not so good at all the fancy techniques. Personally, I don't feel it would be right to draw attention to my hair. It is noticeable enough and I would rather cover my hair but I just know that would send my family in a panic so I don't.Maybe for the time being I should try the fancier hairstyles and then when I am able to move out again (can't find work, economy's died, so I'm back with the parents) I will be able to return to cover my hair and letting it grow as much as I wish.I guess I'd just have to keep on trying different hairstyles until I improve.:)

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 02:09 PM
"It's my hair and I'll wear it how I like it. You don't get a vote."

Now I want a T-shirt with that on it!:cheer:

AspenSong
April 8th, 2011, 02:10 PM
I am sorry to hear that you go pushed into cutting your hair.I just hope I can hold out from caving in.My mom keeps drumming into my head that my long hair makes me look too young and therefore unemployable- and after a while I am starting to believe it.

It's okay! Hey, everything is a learning experience right?!!
I had to learn the hard way....I just hope you can gain the strength I have now, sooner than I did! Before you do something you don't want to do. :)

You know, sometimes people will come up with all kinds of ideas or excuses to try to push THEIR point. I wouldn't take the unemployable comment to heart. It's hard for ANYONE long hair or short to find a job at this time!! Cutting your hair won't change the rate of joblessness! I currently don't have a job...but you know what? If I cut my hair it wouldn't change it. It's just hard times.
I'd use the whole ordeal as a strengthening exercise...you aren't given more than you can handle, so you can do this! You'll be stronger, happier and you'll grow as a person if you follow your own heart and instincts!

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 02:17 PM
What's that phrase? "There are none so righteous as the newly converted."

I think that they are experiencing something like that and in time, they will calm down and become more moderate. Who knows? In time, they may start to regret cutting their hair and will look to you as someone who stayed strong and more level headed.

This too shall pass. I agree with mrs_coffee's approach, acknowledge them with respect but don't engage them or let them engage you in an argument if you can avoid it.

I hope so!

It's very strange- until I was 18 my family were very strict- no TV, no trousers for the females, no short hair for the females, no makeup for the females, no jewelry both genders, no swimming on Sundays & etc.. but after been told all of these things my family now have a huge DVD collection, dye their hair, work on Sundays, want me to wear makeup, swear and so on.Everything I had been told not to do, they now do! I hope they calm down.Swearing lowers a person, so I feel bad when they swear.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 02:21 PM
It's okay! Hey, everything is a learning experience right?!!
I had to learn the hard way....I just hope you can gain the strength I have now, sooner than I did! Before you do something you don't want to do. :)

You know, sometimes people will come up with all kinds of ideas or excuses to try to push THEIR point. I wouldn't take the unemployable comment to heart. It's hard for ANYONE long hair or short to find a job at this time!! Cutting your hair won't change the rate of joblessness! I currently don't have a job...but you know what? If I cut my hair it wouldn't change it. It's just hard times.
I'd use the whole ordeal as a strengthening exercise...you aren't given more than you can handle, so you can do this! You'll be stronger, happier and you'll grow as a person if you follow your own heart and instincts!

Cheers! It seems to me that the world would be a very boring place if we all thought the same and looked the same.I really don't care for those companies that expect people to look like photocopies of each other in their dark, personality-less business suits.

shyone
April 8th, 2011, 02:25 PM
This is what I do when feeling hassled by someone. If I do choose to explain myself and my choices, I do it only once then refuse to engage any further.

That would be my stance but my family take it as stubbornness.Such behaviour would only work to my disadvantage when living with my family.It's in my best interests to get along with my folks.

Kherome
April 8th, 2011, 02:27 PM
My hair makes me happy but my mom makes me unhappy about my hair- if that makes sense?

I understand but don't let her make your choices for you. It's YOUR hair, not hers. Hair is a very personal thing, and no one should choose how it's worn for another person:)

longcurlygirl<3
April 8th, 2011, 03:17 PM
well shyone. I understand you. I too in my church are said to have long hair as you mention 1 Cor chp 11 for"a women should have a symbol of authority over the angels" and "for instead of a viel she is given her hair". I've been in that situation because my dad always nagged how long i shower[ detangling] and i got fed up i got 2 inches trimmed. i regret it but imma grow it back. its doesn't matter who says what, it is your faith and remember God will honor you for that :) don't feel alone you are beautiful and your hair. and even if your mommy doesn't think so..God does and so do I :)

Veviticus
April 8th, 2011, 03:34 PM
I think you are certainly at an age where you don't have to cave in to family pressure to wear your hair a certain length or style. Your mom and sister should, to be blunt, mind their own business. They made their choices about how to wear their hair, and they should extend the same basic courtesy to you. If it were me (and boy, oh boy, has it been) I would as politely as possible tell them that, and that the subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't have to go into a long explanation about the reasons you want to maintain your hair long, simply say that it makes you happy. That's enough. Because, really, what mom wouldn't want her daughter to be happy?

I will tell you that I'm 50 and I still get the occasional bit of lip from both my mom and my sister about my hair. My reply is always the same, "It makes me happy. When it doesn't, I'll cut it. Period. (and as my daughter likes to say, "End of story!")" In fact, my sister said something recently about the color. (for the record, I henna the gray hair at my temples and that is specifically what she was referring to) I told her to be happy it wasn't green. Stopped her dead in her tracks with that one.

Good luck. Its YOUR hair. Growing out of YOUR head. YOU get to decide.

I totally agree.:cheese:

Anje
April 8th, 2011, 03:37 PM
Frankly, I'd say you're old enough to chose your religious beliefs as well as your hair. But if it doesn't go against your beliefs, what about wearing it in some elaborate braided styles? I'm guessing that if you're from a sect that believes women shouldn't cut their hair, they also say it shouldn't be worn in fancy braids.

perkidanman
April 8th, 2011, 04:38 PM
Well I don't have the long-hair problem (yet) but it seems, based on your comments, that you only wear it in a few simple styles. Perhaps styling it defferently, such as a crown braid, or a "fake bob" would alter the "long hair" aspect and make your family more comfortable since it won't remind them of the past?

HintOfMint
April 8th, 2011, 04:43 PM
I don't know how long your hair is, but what if you tried wearing it in more modern hairstyles instead of a bun, or even loose and curled, so it doesn't look old-fashioned or like the "bunheads" of your old church. Maybe that way they won't see your long hair as a part of their old community.

Elenna
April 9th, 2011, 04:25 AM
Cheers! It seems to me that the world would be a very boring place if we all thought the same and looked the same.I really don't care for those companies that expect people to look like photocopies of each other in their dark, personality-less business suits.

It sounds like you have a lot of common sense. Such as not over reacting to your family's turnaround and their comments. And your understanding about the corporate hair look.

Theobroma
April 9th, 2011, 04:49 AM
I am sorry to hear that you go pushed into cutting your hair.I just hope I can hold out from caving in.My mom keeps drumming into my head that my long hair makes me look too young and therefore unemployable- and after a while I am starting to believe it.

Oh, please DON'T believe it! There are so many ways to do mature and professional-looking things with long hair. Try a sleek French twist for example (There are tutorials on YouTube on doing them with long hair). Hairstyles don't get any more polished-looking than that, and assuming it's an issue, nobody will even know just how long your hair is!

Othala
April 9th, 2011, 05:04 AM
A counter-attack might prove useful. How about you start hassling them about their hair/nails/skin or some other personal physical attribute.

An eye for an eye!

Theobroma
April 9th, 2011, 05:08 AM
I'm trying this but I'm not so good at all the fancy techniques. Personally, I don't feel it would be right to draw attention to my hair. It is noticeable enough and I would rather cover my hair but I just know that would send my family in a panic so I don't.

I can relate to what you're saying, because I'm personally somewhat conflicted over the issue of covering at church. I want to do so, but as I live in a culture where absolutely none of the women do it, I'd only end up drawing more attention to myself rather than less. So I compromise by opting for simple updos at church, with a minimum of obtrusive accessories to hold them up with. I'm not completely happy with this, but if I went ahead and wore anything as exotic as a veil I'd only end up being a magnet for all eyes in exactly the way I don't want to be. So yes, I understand. You have to walk a fine line between being firm about your right to wear your hair the way you want to while not antagonising or scaring your family. It sounds as though they still have a lot of healing to do after getting out of that cult.

jasper
April 9th, 2011, 09:58 AM
I am sorry to hear that you go pushed into cutting your hair.I just hope I can hold out from caving in.My mom keeps drumming into my head that my long hair makes me look too young and therefore unemployable- and after a while I am starting to believe it.

Your hair makes you unemployable? Okay, don't believe that. I mean, it would cut out your chances of being employed as a bald head model but there will be nothing overly youthful about your appearance just because your hair is long.

You really don't have to bow to her wishes. You are old enough to tell her thanks for her opinion, but you don't agree and to say that repetition of the opinion is starting to hurt the relationship. If you have a conversation about this, I would think their experience with the church might be a useful topic to draw on- if they thought it was oppressive, she should understand it feels oppressive to you to keep getting nagged about your hair. They decided to leave that church. You might need to leave whenever she brings up the hair topic.

jojo
April 9th, 2011, 12:27 PM
I have explained that to my mom; how I don't hassle her about her choice to cut her hair short and dye it, and how I expect the same courtsey.She forgets after a while and I find myself repeating it all over again.

As adults we have the choice and right to make our own mind up about certain things; our hair style for one. It seems your mom is finding it difficult in accepting you are an adult with a mind of your own and by demanding you cut your hair, is still giving her that teeny bit of power over you. I second spidermoms suggestion its your hair, its not up for discussion end of. If she continues to insult your decision and constantly dismiss anything you have to say, then maybe its time to move out and live your life how you feel fit. Maybe a bit drastic over a hair cut but it sounds as though she is intimating you in other areas of your life. Do you have any friends at church who are going through similar who could advice how they coped with this?

Keep us updated on how things go and keep strong.

AnqeIicDemise
April 9th, 2011, 12:52 PM
I can relate to what you're saying, because I'm personally somewhat conflicted over the issue of covering at church. I want to do so, but as I live in a culture where absolutely none of the women do it, I'd only end up drawing more attention to myself rather than less. So I compromise by opting for simple updos at church, with a minimum of obtrusive accessories to hold them up with. I'm not completely happy with this, but if I went ahead and wore anything as exotic as a veil I'd only end up being a magnet for all eyes in exactly the way I don't want to be. So yes, I understand. You have to walk a fine line between being firm about your right to wear your hair the way you want to while not antagonising or scaring your family. It sounds as though they still have a lot of healing to do after getting out of that cult.

Am I the only one who things head coverings are amazingly beautiful, fashionable and give women who wear them *more power* for having the gonads to use them? Wow. I knew I was weird!

As far as to the way your mom is acting, OP, I do believe that it is time for a heart-to-heart talk to your mom. I had to have one of these with mother AND brother, YEARS after I moved away. I came home to visit/get married and their comments about my weight almost ruined my special day.

When I was younger, I didn't know how to deal with this. I was like you -- I wanted to please everyone and yet be able to maintain my own sense of individuality. Well, that wasn't going to work when my fashion sense always got berated by those two, or worse, my weight got picked on. (To tell you the truth, I HAVE seen pictures of me then and I was nowhere near fat. I was almost 200 lbs lighter than I am now. WTF?)

Oh, and let us not even start on the hair.

You need to tell her how her comments make you feel, hon. You need to point out the fact that although you live in her household, you are now an adult. You *love* your mother but feel disrespected by her comments. After this heart to heart I came to find out my family didn't mean to be rude or hurtful-- they were HONESTLY trying to help me. I had to point it out that their 'helping' was only making me feel worse since they were being downright demeaning and confrontational. They also couldn't look at me or treat me like an adult *until* I approached the situation like one.

My mother literally started crying and said 'my baby girl is so grown up."

My brother cleared his throat, dabbed his eyes and said "Well. F#ck. My little sis is no longer a brat, she's a full grown woman."

-.- Mind you, I was 23.

MeganE
April 9th, 2011, 12:59 PM
A counter-attack might prove useful. How about you start hassling them about their hair/nails/skin or some other personal physical attribute.

An eye for an eye!

Absolutely, I was going to suggest this as well. I think it sometimes takes a bit of people's "own medicine" for them to really see the effect they are having on someone else. And it might not hurt to remind them that you did grow up in the culture of the religion you've now left, that's where you formed your identity, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you feel more comfortable retaining some aspects of the old culture, well by all means, you're completely entitled. You don't have to do things just because they do them, and you might remind them of this by starting a campaign of trying to get them to be more like you. If you annoy them enough, I think you'll both cancel each other out, and you won't hear a word about your personal choices anymore. :D

Firefox7275
April 10th, 2011, 01:18 PM
:( Have you tried the 'broken record' technique? Just think of one sentence that will cover every argument they can throw at you and repeat it, over and over and over again. For example "I love my hair long and it upsets me that you don't understand". Otherwise you might politely excuse yourself from the room, be that the dinner table or TV or whatever. They should get the message eventually but you have to be more stubborn than they are. It's only a discussion or debate or argument if you participate. ;)