Little boys with long hair (long post)

[Nevvie]

I have one of those long hair households. Literally everyone (including the cat) in the house has long-ish hair. Mine is about bsl, my bf's is nearly to waist, my brother's is about mid back and my (male) roommate has about apl length hair. 3 out of 4 of my still living sisters have long hair (I'm actually one of the shorter ones) as do most of my nieces, some of my nephews, cousins and even friends (male and female).

So when I had my son (now 5) it only seemed natural to let his hair grow. He went through a phase abut a year ago where he wanted it cut but since then even he refuses to let me cut it short again - He wants it to be like his Daddy's. Since he's so young I don't let it get too long (about shoulder length) and I have some choppy layers trimmed around his face to give what I think is more of 'long haired boy' type look. Personally I think it looks very cute. The problem is that almost everyone thinks he's a girl just because he doesn't have super short hair. He dresses like a boy, his face looks male and as I said before, to me even his hair looks like a boy's hair. I used to style it a bit (pic below) so I figured that was why people thought he was a girl:
http://i1096.photobucket.com/albums/g333/NevsHair/My%20son/xanhair1.jpg

After he started getting old enough to be offended by the the 'girl' assumptions I stopped styling his hair and just let it go kind of shaggy (though still well cared for). I don't know any little girls who go around with hair that looks like this but STILL he's referred to as a girl more often than not:
http://i1096.photobucket.com/albums/g333/NevsHair/My%20son/xanschool.jpg

Then today on the way to the Zoo we stopped at McDonalds and I got him a happy meal. We went inside to get it and he talked to the cashier about how he loved super heroes (the current boy toys) for a good minute and a half while we waited, AND I specifically said 'boy's happy meal' when I ordered, yet after he ate and I pulled out the toy.... yup, a kitty key chain (girl's) toy. I had to calm down my normally polite son because he was MAD and about to let the poor cashier know it.

Honestly... he was dressed very much like a boy with a black sweater and black beanie with a skull on it and slightly ripped play jeans (and his winter boots which he refuses to relinquish). I get that some girls might wear something like that but for the most part it seemed like a very 'male' type of outfit.
http://i1096.photobucket.com/albums/g333/NevsHair/My%20son/Xan2011.jpg


Does anyone else have this problem? I never know what to say (other than he's a boy). I don't want to cut his hair and he doesn't want it cut but I don't know how else to get people to stop assuming he's a girl, which is really starting to upset him. He hasn't had any problem with teasing yet but I'm worried that may be coming soon as well. Why so much bias against boys with long hair? Honest opinion, do you guys think he looks like a girl? If so what can I do (minus cutting his hair really short) to make him look more like a boy? A ponytail? Different style?


P.S. sorry for the long post, I just wasn't sure how to fully explain it without the background story and pics :P

[elbow chic]

I do not think he looks like a girl.

He looks like a KID, and till puberty kicks in and gives them secondary-sex characteristics, people lean on hair as a cue. Otherwise, it just would be impossible to tell. Even their clothes aren't necessarily a dead giveaway... they are shaped the same and unless it's Disney Princesses and hearts, they're pretty unisex.

When my four-year-old daughter had a (self-administered) buzzcut people regularly were astonished by my "four sons."

Even if she was dressed in her favorite turquoise sweatsuit embellished with hearts and flowers. She's extremely petite and pixie-like, but... so are plenty of boys her age.

Probably all you can do is talk to him about how being mistaken for a girl is not necessarily a BAD thing.

I've read before that preschoolers don't have a solid sense of gender identity and that they themselves need a lot of reassurance about their gender. At least for him, his daddy is a good long-haired male role model!

(DD was a lil traumatized by her brush with gender identity issues and her current favorite introductory phrase is "I'm a GIRL!" This is evidently more important to her than her actual name. lol

[julliams]

I think your son's hair in the first two pictures looks very male. In the last picture I find it is a little harder to distinguish and I have to admit that I could be fooled into thinking it was a girl at first although I do think his face is again, very male. I'm sure once he spoke and from his mannerisms, it might become more obvious otherwise.

Your son is at an age where many children can look either gender but in a couple of years this will all change. Once he is around 12+ I'm sure he won't have the same issues with people mistaking him for a girl.

I guess in his eyes, all the best guys have long hair so of course he would like to have it too, and can't see why others don't recognise it as part of being male. You might need to point out that in society (yours) people's image of a man often is depicted with shorter hair (even though many have no hair and some have long!!!) and women with longer hair (even though many have short hair).

On a personal note my 9 year old son has a longer "Bieber" style hair that he really likes yet pretty much the whole school is in on a "you look like Justin Bieber" joke which he reluctantly goes along with. His soccer coach calls him a girl and people are always asking me when I'm getting his hair cut. Given that his hair grows over an inch a month, it's just too expensive to keep it anything other than in a longer style. I find it annoying and slightly offensive that people react this way but I'm proud of my son and I actually think he looks gorgeous and they are all a bit jealous. My son is a very handsome kid with a great personality and in Australia we seem to like to cut down all the "tall poppies".

I think your son is a great spirit for sticking to what he wants and letting his individuality come first. He will go far!

[CaityBear]

Put a sign on his head when you go out in public...lol

Honestly, that's probably the only solution. At young ages it doesn't matter how they are dressed, people tend to go by hair length (I really don't fully understand that...)

Personally, I think he looks like a boy and think he looks good with long hair. :D

Actually, when i was in grade 12 still there was a two brothers in grades 1 and 3?? or around there and they both had chin length hair...I never assumed they were girls....heck, I was so used to seeing them with long hair, it didn't faze me. lol

[leslissocool]

My stepson had long hair for a LONG time and had the same problem (blond with long hair too). He was teased at school too for the longest time (he was 8 and dressed with teddy bear t-shirts and you know how mean kids can be) and he decided it was enough, and started to literally SHAVE his hair! He got so frustrated he literally cut it himself with scissors and then had to be cut so short to even it out, now kids started to ask him if he had cancer!

I took a different approach to it than his parents who just kinda let him shave it, I told him to let his hair grow again to get a Wii, then when it was shoulder length took him to a salon to get a Justin Biever looking cut and bought him all skull/skater looking shirts and pants and let him dress a bit of a punk style. He hasn't had a problem ever since, I guess people now just think it comes with the fashion :shrug:. We are a family of metalheads and now that he started to dress a bit more like that people just think he likes the look, which he does. He likes his hair long.

Unfortunately people do not pay attention when they look at you, they see the stereotypes and assume that's what they are looking at. Specially a "pretty boy". My stepson looks a lot like your son. And no, he really doesn't look like a girl AT ALL!

I am so sorry this is happening to your boy, I know how frustrating it can be.since he does like long hair find a way to cope with the people's reaction. The most important thing is for him to feel comfortable in his own skin. I'd buy him a bright green sweater with lots of skulls, it worked for my stepson.

In the positive side though, he looks like a handsome boy and when he gets older, you are so going to have to beat girls away with a stick! My stepson has so many girls with crushes on him, it's unbelievable! I myself like long locks on a guy so I don't blame them haha...

[Nevvie]

Put a sign on his head when you go out in public...lol


That actually came very close to happening! He loves hats and my roommate wanted to buy him a hat that said something like 'real men have long hair' but it was too big and didn't seem entirely appropriate for a little boy since he isn't a 'man' yet. But somehow I think that even if it had fit and he wore it that people would pay about as much attention to it as they do the rest of his clothing.

When he first started learning the difference between boys and girls he used to really enjoy the opportunity to correct people and show off his knowledge that 'He's not a girl, he's a boy because he has a penis'. I taught him that he shouldn't say things like that but sometimes I wonder if I should have just let him keep correcting people that way.... the look on their faces was priceless :D

[Fingolphin]

It is true that before puberty, girls and boys are virtually identical, except for the obivious differences, so that can be tough; you have to rely on clothes, I guess, but apparently even that isn't always effective. I wish more parents let their boys grow their hair long, actually, so that society would learn to be more accepting of it.

[bte]

I agree with everyone else - he definitely looks like a boy, and I wish when I'd been that age my parents would have let me have hair that long. Clothes of the sort he is wearing in the pics aren't nowadays a definite gender indication, but you could get him a sweatshirt or t shirt with his name on - unless it's a name like Sam which girls use as well!

[farewell_nancy]

If the posts on here are any indication this isn't just because of his age (though the general androgyny of kids certainly doesn't help). A lot of guys here have stories about being mistaken for women. If he likes his long hair but is bothered by being mistaken for a girl I'd check with some of the long hair guys you mentioned in your post and see if any of them might be able to put the whole thing in perspective.

It seems to me that the fellas here aren't particularly concerned with be mistaken for a female from behind on occasion and a fellow long haired male might be able to give your son a better idea of how to react and even make light of the situation when it arises.

[Slinks]

'He's not a girl, he's a boy because he has a penis'. I taught him that he shouldn't say things like that but sometimes I wonder if I should have just let him keep correcting people that way.... the look on their faces was priceless :D

That's funny !!

My son had the most gorgeous ringlets that I let his hair grow AND I dressed him like a boy too but he still got the "hasn't she got beautiful hair" so I got all of it cut off except a rat tail which grew to be about 6" long by the time he was 5 but he wanted to lose that because the kids at school were pulling on it .. I still have it :-)

[vincent_cervant]

Well for me the biggest obstacle was learning to have a sense of humor about it. I have had long hair off and on since I was around 8. First off though keep up positive reinforcement about it being long. If He should decide that he wants to try having short hair make sure its what he really wants not just because he is trying to lessen being made fun of. Chances are they will find something else to make fun of. I would give examples of what I said or did when I was mistaken for a girl...but chances are it isn't how you want your son to deal with it. I tended to be mean. But positive reinforcement and having a sense of humor are key.

[pinkbunny]

Some people are just stupid or clueless... My ex had lovely wavy BSL hair - he also had a shaggy goatee, big biceps, and wore "biker" type clothing... Yet one day as we went walking into a shoe store the cashier glanced up and said "How are you ladies doing?" [facepalm]

[jojo]

My youngest daughter cut her own hair from waist to scarecrow (very short to the wood in some places!) when she was 4. I had to get a very short pixie cut in and even though she wore girlie dresses and headbands, people still called her a boy! It used to really upset her and me.

I totally know where you are coming from but your little boy looks nothing like a girl! infact he reminds me of David Beckhams and Posh Spices little boy romeo! hes adorable!

[Alun]

We all have long hair too (although some of our cats are shorthaired, shock, horror!). We also let DS' hair grow to a medium length, and we got stupid people saying he was a girl.

As for those who say all kids look androgynous, I completely disagree. DS never looked like a girl, and I don't suppose your son does either (it's a bit hard to tell, because I can't see his face). That's not to say that it's quite as obvious as looking at an adult, but IMHO the facial features almost never look androgynous on anyone older than a small toddler.

Those who say that people don't really look properly at other people's kids have hit the nail on the head. There isn't much you can do against inattention. Just don't take them any more seriously than they deserve, which is not atall.

Ours did ask for a 'spiky' haircut when he was 8, because that's what all the other boys his age had. He got bored with that eventually and decided to grow it back out when he was 12. Now he's 17 and has it perhaps BSL, as you would say, although of course he doesn't wear one!

[rhosyn_du]

Some people are just so attached to the idea that only women and girls have long hair that they overlook everything else. My (male) SO is built like a viking (no woman has shoulders like that) and wears a full beard, and people still used to call him "ma'am" all the time when his hair was long.

[Kherome]

This is part of the reason why I do not prefer men with hair longer than a high and tight.

[jeanniet]

I don't think he looks like a girl, but then around here a lot of the boys have longer hair and he looks pretty typical. I really don't think people pay attention sometimes. If it makes you feel any better, when I was in middle school I had pretty short hair and when we'd go ice skating they always gave me boy shoes. It made me mad because I had boobs! ;)

[jesis]

When we were kids, my mother would take my brother, sister, and I out grocery shopping with her. We all had around WL hair. Sometimes somebody would comment on our hair, usually saying, "oh you have 3 such beautiful little girls!" It would always make my brother so mad! He finally cut his own hair off. :p

[kitty_kelly]

my son was always thought to be a girl when he was a baby and toddler - even when i dressed him in primary and dark colors. granted, i did let his hair grow out, but it never touched his shoulders.
On the other hand, my daughters as thought to be boys. Of course, both of my girls have a form of alopecia that only lets them grow hair about 1/4 inch. My middle child, the oldest girl, is a girly girl - dresses, dora the explorer, pink clothes, etc. my youngest, is just coming into her personality.
my husband has had the same type of alopecia all his life. he has no idea what to do with hair. so these days my son needs short hair, because i'm not around in the mornings to get him ready for school.

i'm the only person in my house that really has hair......

[Messyhair]

Everyone thinks my little guy is a little girl, and his hair doesn't get too long before we chop it off. Sigh. Dressed head to toe in blue and superheroes, and still he gets called a girl... I don't get it. :confused:

[Rocket22]

Ok coming from someone with no kids and pretty stupid to it all I'm going to go against the grain and say I can understand why people would assume girl. usually long hair especially on children would mean girl to me. But remember I'm not one that likes long hair on boys. Just personal opinion.. I certainly don't care if boys or men have it just not for me. (no beating me up)

[Honeylove]

From the pics, I'd never have mistaken him for a girl. His facial features are saying "boy" to me, with a big exclamation mark. Children are rarely ever as androgynous as many poeple say. From age 3-4 on, I can see clear differences in the facial features of most boys and girls.

[polette]

I always had a bowl cut as a kid (thanks mom) and was always called a boy, with out fail. I also kind of acted boyish, so I can't really blame all those substitutes that would call me Nick, instead of Nicole (Nicky when I was a kid). I can say I remember being embarassed a couple of times, but it really didn't phase me. It wasn't until high school that I allowed it to grow out.

I think the first two pictures of your son look very boyish and the first one looks friggin adorable. I know that the majority of people are so wrapped up in their own little world, so they hardly notice anyone else, so I can see where he would get called a girl in the final picture. Unfortunately, people just don't pay attention - A perfect example - Several years back, I was working an omelet station for Sunday brunch at the resort I was sous chef for, and I can remember over a handful of times that I was told "thank you sir". I wear make up and had BSL red hair at the time, there was no confusing me for a guy, but people just don't care to pay attention to others ;)

I guess the only thing you can do is keep it a tad shorter, like the first picture, if it is upsetting to him... Or, if he gets over it quickly and isn't bothered, then let it be, and just ignore those who call him a girl.

I wanted to add that my husband, who shaves his head (though I have convinced him to atleast let it grow to 1/2 inch or so!!) answered this when I asked him about cutting our sons hair; He is a little boy, and little kids are supposed to have longer hair...
:)

[Sunsailing]

Strangers (cashiers, etc.) will just glance at people without really looking at them. They will see "long hair", "short hair", "no hair" etc..

I was standing behind an elderly woman with very short hair recently and a cashier said "sir" to her. It didn't matter how feminine her face was....the cashier just glanced at the hair.

When our son was a baby, he had NO hair. Completely bald for the longest time.
Many strangers would tell us what a pretty girl we had, even though he was always dressed in boy clothes! We would always politely correct them. He just had a beautiful face. (After baby stage, he's always had short hair.)

Regarding your son, it just goes with having longer hair at his age. If you stopped any of those people and asked them to actually look him, then asked them "boy or girl?"....I'll bet every single one would say "boy" after actually looking at him.

[I got "ma'am"ed while my hair was first growing out before I could tie it back.]

[Deborah]

I'm going to go against the grain too. In those photos, honestly, this child looks like a girl to me, including the last one where you can see his face. Lots of girls dress just the same. And lots of girls have messy looking hair. It's really up to the parent to help here. If you or your son don't like him being called a girl, as a practical matter, the long hair has to go. He can grow it long when he is well into adolescence, and fewer people will be confused as to his gender. If you don't care what others think, then wear the hair any way the two of you like, but know that people will mistake him for a girl.

Keep in mind that It's not other people's responsibility to help your child maintain gender distinction. Keep the long hair if you want to, but don't blame others for their perfectly natural response to your choice.

We have had several threads like this one, and it's always the same. Mum is mad because her son wears girlish hair, then is mistaken for a girl. Or a girl wears what looks like a crew cut, and is mistaken for a boy. These people are not being mean. They simply think your son is a girl. It's not a judgment, just an observation they are making. Your child's grooming is up to you. Just don't expect others to respond the way you want them to when you make a gender-bending choice. He is your responsibility, not theirs.

Now don't beat me up.

[MeganE]

Not sure if it's been suggested already, I didn't read all the posts above mine.

You could teach him to introduce himself before he exchanges communication with anyone. Assuming his name isn't gender-neutral, that might help to get people to see him as a boy before they have a chance to imply to him that they couldn't tell.

[Sunsailing]

They simply think your son is a girl. It's not a judgment, just an observation they are making.
They might simply think that looking at him with peripheral vision.



Your child's grooming is up to you. Just don't expect others to respond the way you want them to when you make a gender-bending choice. He is your responsibility, not theirs.
Gender-bending? Slightly longer hair than normal is gender-bending? :rolleyes:

Oh my. Do any women here wear pants? ;)

[Kristamommyx3]

I have three sons, and they all wear it long, but their own style. My oldest currently wears it in a shoulder length shag, my middle guy has a Bieber cut, and my little boy wears a shoulder length Dutch boy. They are all known for their "georgous hair" , and love to have the freedom to wear it longer. They also have quite a fan club of girls for it too. Lol. By the way, they are very active tackle football players, and their hair never slows them down. We do occasionally get that cute little girl thing with our three year old, but'he's all boy. I say tell your son to rock that long hair!

[Jean Stuart]

When we went to Hawaii last June every waiter we had thought my son was a girl. It was the weirdest thing. When we cam home the first thing he did was get a haircut.

[Chetanlaiho]

When I was younger I had short-ish lightblonde hair with bangs, and people still tell me I looked like a boy, hell that happened even when I had BSL-ish hair (obviously I was shorter at the time xD) but I wore it in a ponytail all the time so it may have been harder to tell.

To me he definitely looks like a boy, and while clothes like his aren't exclusively male, you don't see a lot of girls wearing them (especially at that age, I did which is what led to most of the gender confusion for me I think xD)

To me a ponytail or pulling his hair back in any way would make him look more 'girly' to me, I see a lot of longhaired guys (comes with being a metalhead I suppose ;)) and they always wear their hair down so to me that looks more like 'guy long hair' than any other style.

[faerielady]

My daughter asked me to cut her hair last year (pixie) because she didn't want to take care of it long anymore.

That's when the boy comments started. Bear in mind, she's a very tiny 11 year old girl. She wears size 8T jeans, size 2 shoes. She's TINY for her age... and still, she was mistaken for a boy.

Now she's bound and determined to grow it back out. It's *almost* shoulder length and pretty healthy... and the boy comments have stopped.

[gthlvrmx]

He looks like a boy to me...:confused:What is wrong with these people i swear. I can only think of cornrows since i see men wearing them more than woman, but i wouldn't suggest it :p They HURT.
Poor kid, it really sucks being seen as a girl when you're young and people teasing you about it. Good thing you didn't blow up in front of the chashiers face, i swear I'd be ready to talk to the manager and get him/her fired.
My kids are going to have long hair and my only explanation could be "their native american heritage". Just that it stops people from starting those "talks".

[gthlvrmx]

When we went to Hawaii last June every waiter we had thought my son was a girl. It was the weirdest thing. When we cam home the first thing he did was get a haircut.
That's odd. I've met so many pacific islanders who all wear their hair long and i know as a fact is in their culture for the men to have long hair. Maybe they didn't expect long hair on a male tourist?

[Jean Stuart]

That's odd. I've met so many pacific islanders who all wear their hair long and i know as a fact is in their culture for the men to have long hair. Maybe they didn't expect long hair on a male tourist?


Thats what I thought how odd. My son was so embarrassed.

[Mesmerise]

I think it can be hard to distinguish little boys from little girls when they've got long hair. There was a boy at my kids' school who had long, almost waist length blond hair, and for ages I thought he was a girl. Kids at the school wear uniforms, and the boys and girls dress almost the same, although the girls have the option to wear a dress or skirt, but that doesn't mean they always do. Thus a little boy with long blond hair could easily be mistaken for a little girl!

The thing is, before puberty it is harder to distinguish gender. My mum was always mistaken for a boy when she was a little girl because she had short hair (curly though lol), and I guess just wasn't all that "girly". Some kids are naturally more feminine/masculine looking than others, while others are harder to tell. I've definitely seen little girls with short hair who I thought were boys (or who I thought...hmmm girl or boy?) and boys with long hair who I also wondered about.

Generally when kids get past puberty it becomes easier to tell! That being said, I remember being at university and having a hard time figuring out if a particular girl in my class was male or female (she had short hair, wore no makeup), and in another glass there was a guy with shoulder length curls who looked much like a girl, and me and a friend were trying to work out if he was male or female too!

[vanillabones]

Honestly I think if you put his hair in a ponytail your problem would go away by 50% in people assuming he is female. In all of those pictures I honestly could guess either way. As a child I dressed similarly and never had super short or super long hair and didn't wear pink dresses or anything. However, when guys have long hair I like when it is in a bun, but usually if it is in a ponytail you can tell their gender even from behind and for some reason tend to go on clothing more, or maybe that's just me. I would try putting it in a ponytail down his back! Try it and see how it works :)