Hair Depression

[yellowflower]

I am at a loss I dont know what to do anymore, the whole hair colour has made me completly depressed, its been 3months now since I last coloured it which I dont like still, my hair is fried and dry and horrible, it makes me feel so unattractive, I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking I look a mess, I used to be so confident and happy and really loved life. I absolutly hate my life now, I know its ridiculous its only hair, but I cant stop thinking about it, I hate going shopping at teh mirrors in all the shops, I feel like no-one will ever what a girlfriend like me with such horrible hair, how could you possibly run your fingers through broken dry hair.

I feel absolutly awful, I think about it all the time. I try and stop I have tried loads but I cant help it, I think about it constantly and get so upset, I wake up thinking about it. I even stopped coming on here to try and stop thinking about hair etc.

I just feel so down and awful and upset. How do you get rid of these feelings and get better?

Has anyone been through the same? Ijust want my old life back and the old me who felt confident and really happy. I split up with my boyfriend as he wants to go away with his friend and I just cant stand the thought that he might see other girls and think they are more attractive than me so I told him if he goes I dont want to be with him, we were together for a year and half,and engaged, but Ijust cant deal with him going away so I have called it off.

I feel so ugly, how do you get your confidence back?

[ellen732]

You talked about maybe cutting your hair into a short hairstyle a while back, maybe it's time to start over.

[spitfire511]

I'm not sure of your hair history, but I will say that the last time I decided to grow I was starting from a bad place in regard to cut and chemical process both. I wound up spending the money to go to a stylist I really trusted and explained what I wanted to do.

He knew that I wanted to grow and that I specifically didn't want to come in for trims, so he gave me a great cut that would grow out well and then I went back to him for shaping and trims maybe 3-4 times a year until I reached a length I was happy with. It took a little longer than my straight-up benign neglect growing phases, but I liked my hair through it.

Maybe that's something you should consider? I've found that when I don't deal with something like that right off I eventually wind up chopping off more than I would have if I'd just gone in for a nice cut and shaping.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better about your hair soon! :blossom:

[getoffmyskittle]

Hi yellowflower, I used to have bad acne (hey, I still have a bit of it, although I've found ways to control it) and I was pretty convinced that nobody would ever be interested in me because of it. Well, I went through a bad breakout early this year and I was actually dating through it this time -- nothing came of that, but it wasn't because of my skin!

Most of the time, we're much harder on ourselves than anybody else is, especially re: appearance. Even if your hair really does look bad, it doesn't mean anything about who you are -- it doesn't even make you ugly, let alone unlovable. It's just an unfortunate, temporary circumstance that is already on its way to being fixed.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you are transferring other feelings about your life onto your hair/appearance. I think a lot of us have done that at one point or another. :) Is there somebody that you can talk to about this break-up? A counselor or a trusted friend? What about the fact that you are afraid other women will be more attractive than you? Trust me, there is ALWAYS someone smarter/prettier/richer/etc... always. But you're *you*, and nobody else can be that. Focus on your own awesomeness, as a combination of all your traits, which can never be replicated or superseded -- it's apples to oranges. Comparing yourself to others will only get you down.

:grouphug:

[vanity_acefake]

Sending you hugs.
You have two options. As the other posters have said cut your hair and either start again, or have it cut into a style that will grow out well and get rid of some of the damage.
Or condition, condition, condition and be patient.
Unfortunately growing our hair is a huge lesson in patience. It will get better I promise. And I know how upsetting our hair can be as it is an enormous part of who we are.
Have you thought of trying henna? It will put condition and shine back into your hair although I would advise you to read everything about henna first as once you henna there is no going back.
Hope you feel happier soon.

[Misti]

The other ladies have had excellent advice, Yellowflower.

If you decide to go with conditioning, you might consider finding an updo you like (or can live with). That at least shows the fresh new hair off to advantage and hides the worst of the damage.

I am going through a bit of a hair depression myself, and I find that putting it up and doing a great makeup distracts me from my hair enough to feel confident when I leave the house. You know, draw attention to the face and away from the hair for now...

[yellowflower]

I went and spoke to a good stylist he said that I would hate a short hair cut worse than the colour as it would take so long to grow out and would be awkawrd due to it being very curly so would grow out in a triangle until it had weight to pull it down, I cant colour over it as the condition is really poor at the moment.

I have spoke to my mum and friends, but it feels like no-one truely understands.

I straightened it the other day, and it looks great and made me feel so much more confident but I am not sure how much I can keep doing that due to it probably just making the condition worse, straightening it really hides ALOT of the damage as because it is curly there is no curl left and it just goes frizzy. It also makes the colour look a hundred times better when straight I know that sounds wierd but when straightened it blends the colours together better.

I was thinking maybe just straightening it 2-3 times a week and not washing inbetween.

Before I loved how I was, yes I had days when I felt insecure, but I was happy, my hair used to get LOADS of attention off so many women, all wishing they has hair like mine...not now they dont.

I try to do my make up and put on nice clothes but then I look at my hair and just slump back down and get all upset. My friends dont understand at all, they dont understand why I havent been out, they were all talking about me because I didnt go out with them and I just thought if you only knew how i felt.

I really just want to put a brown dye on it or something, but i have been told it may not stick and will fade and will have to keep re-applying which will just worsen the condition.

[Neneka]

It sounds like you are really depressed. Splitting up with someone important can be hard. I think you should see the doctor or at least talk to somebody. I have had some problems myself and I know that some times you just can't handle things on your own.

And about hair... Most guys don't notice hair. They can't tell if it's dry or not or is your colour weird. They notice if you smile. You need to distract yourself to think something else. :)

[yellowflower]

I do try putting it up just so can see the re-growth but there isnt much only nealy an inch so I can still see it, I just wish I was the old me again, I loved that person.

[Fufu]

yellowflower: Hugs :)

If you want people to love you, love yourself first.

Anyway, really it's just hair colour problems. I'm with getoffmyskittle, I had acne issues for years and only recently it becomes mild and though at times I'm still afraid of break outs but I learnt that there are still people who love and care for you even if I have flaws.

Perhaps it's never about your hair issues, it's about how you view yourself.

And, does your bf really mind about your hair colour issues?

if he minds, seriously he's not worth it. If he never complains about your hair and loves you who you are no matter what happen to your hair, he does love your truly, the only problem is you don't love yourself truly anymore.

[yellowflower]

yellowflower: Hugs :)

If you want people to love you, love yourself first.

Anyway, really it's just hair colour problems. I'm with getoffmyskittle, I had acne issues for years and only recently it becomes mild and though at times I'm still afraid of break outs but I learnt that there are still people who love and care for you even if I have flaws.

Perhaps it's never about your hair issues, it's about how you view yourself.

And, does your bf really mind about your hair colour issues?

if he minds, seriously he's not worth it. If he never complains about your hair and loves you who you are no matter what happen to your hair, he does love your truly, the only problem is you don't love yourself truly anymore.

He doesnt say anything, I tried to tell him how i feel, how I dont like going out how I am depressed and unhappy, I tried to tell him....he just doesnt udnerstand and says do your work, stop going on about it, i was only trying to tell him so he understood what I felt.

I dont love myself at all anymore, thats the problem.

[Misti]

I do try putting it up just so can see the re-growth but there isnt much only nealy an inch so I can still see it, I just wish I was the old me again, I loved that person.

You will be her again. (Actually, you always are -- but you'll feel like her again.) It just takes time.

[yellowflower]

do you think it matters straightening your hair maybe 2-3 times a week if it makes you feel better or will it just worsen the problem in the long run? I used to wash and blowdry everyday before just not straighten.

I feel abit better just by sitting down and writing this.

[Misti]

Well, I would suggest that you save hair straightening for special occasions, because the damage it does will slow your progress a lot. BUT if you really feel that much better, maybe you would straighten it regularly until you have enough fresh hair for your updo to be OK?

I suspect that when you were washing and blowdrying every day, your hair wasn't already damaged?

[Fufu]

yellowflower: I guess he's trying to tell you to do what you usually do and say what you usually say. It is a way to tell you that to be yourself to be who you are that you always are. Sometimes, the way guys comforts us can be very different from female friends comforting us.

You have to start to love yourself again. The first time I had acne breakouts, I felt terrible too, I'm very fair and had a porcelain complexion so when all those red red spots start coming out like no tomorrow, it can be depressing but no matter what happens to your hair, your skin, your life, we have to find courage and strength to heal our soul and then find the right tool to rectify the problem.

If you don't heal your soul now, even before your hair recovers, you will break down first.

Are you using straightening ion those with heat to straighten your hair? I actually will advise you not to straighten your hair if your current hair condition is towards the fragile type. In short run you will feel better but in long run your hair will be even more damged than before and I believe you won't want your hair to lose its beauty for real.

I have a suggestion but it's depending on whether you are willing do it or not.

Take a picture of your hair everyday and note down the date.
You will find yourself able to accept your hair day after day and you will be surprised you will start to see your hair condition getting better and better.

The reason why our hair gets better is not only because we take care of them, like having the right products like putting coconut oil, camellia oil, herbs and reduce using heat on our hair. One of the main reason is always stay cheerful and happy, being happy is also the best healing power for any hair issues.

You can do it if you put your mind into it.

[Firefox7275]

(((hugs)))

Honey if you are depressed please ask your doctor for help - whether that is counselling, medication or advice on diet and exercise (proven to relieve low mood). There are no rules that say you can only be depressed about your job but not about your hair, for many women it's part of our identity. In any case you have split with your fiancee which is bound to upset you. :( Depression has its own thought patterns that are negative and repetitive - getting help with your emotions will help you see a way forwards with your hair. And yes I do speak from experience.

[selderon]

*hugs* for you, yellowflower.

There are a few things I can tell you.
1. Your boyfriend is being a man. Men want to fix things for the people they care about. This often means they tell us what to do. It is probably very frustrating for him that he hasn't made you feel better. It sometimes helps to explain what you need from him. Be specific and clear. (e.g. "I've been feeling sad lately because I feel like I'm unattractive. I would feel a lot better if you listened to me right now without giving me advise or trying to solve it. Is that ok?)
2. Weirdly, men process female voices in the part of the brain that processes music. This sometimes means they have trouble understanding the meaning of our words. Lowering the pitch of your voice and giving him the main point without any details often helps.
3. When we are sad about something, it isn't the event that causes our sadness, but what we tell ourselves about the event. Right now you are telling yourself the following things:
* My hair makes me unattractive.
* Others think I look like a mess
* No one will love me as long as my hair looks like this
* When my boyfriend goes out with his friend it means he doesn't love me

I find it helpful to identify the lie or inaccuracy in statements like these and firmly tell myself the truth whenever I catch myself thinking them. Here is an example:
*My hair makes me unattractive. That's not true. I wish my hair looked shiny and healthy, and it will again. I have much more to offer than my hair. (Give an example of something people like about you or something you are proud of!)
*Others think I look like a mess. Wait. Nobody has said that. I don't know what they are thinking. Furthermore, if someone doesn't like the way my hair looks it would be unpleasant, but not the end of the world. After all, I love people whose hair I don't especially care for.
*No one will love me as long as my hair looks like this. I know that isn't true! (List the people who love you right now.)
*When my boyfriend goes out with his friend it means he doesn't love me. That's not right either. People need time with friends as well. He might be overwhelmed because he wants to help me and doesn't know how. When he goes out with friends he always comes back. And he usually comes back feeling much better.

*hugs*

[spidermom]

Keep giving your hair conditioning treatments and get small trims on a regular basis. It will get better; I promise.

Straightening is VERY damaging, especially on fragile hair. I used to straighten mine 2-3 times per MONTH and ended up having to cut off a lot of damage, and I didn't start out with fragile, color-treated hair. It would really serve you better to learn a couple of up-styles and/or wrap your head in a scarf or a wig. The straightening is going to make things worse, and that's the truth.

[jennyjukes]

i was in the exact same position as you (and you joined on my birthday :D) i know how it feels going from someone people envy (hair-wise) to a 'nobody'. it is frustrating that no-one understands how you feel. we are our own harshest critics, is anyone putting you down? or just yourself? how about focusing on the things that you like? i have definitely been in this situation and it stopped me from socialising for a good few months. remember, it WILL grow. mine felt so slow to begin with but now it's crazy how long it's grown - it's been around 8 month and my roots are behind my ears. seems not much maybe but it gets better. once you get enough roots to feel the smoothness you'll stop worrying about the damage and concentrate on continuing growing :D to hide mine i just french braid it or put my fringe in a quiff :)

i also spoke to my doctor about how it makes me feel, i've suffered from body dysmorphic disorder for a few years now and he says the unneccesary worry of what people think may be from that too. i've had councelling and yknow.. my hair still isn't how i want it (probably never will be) but i'm happier now. i focus on other things. it may be worth talking to your gp or therapist.

it'll be fine :) i sympathise with you. what doesn't kill you will make you stronger! & stop comparing yourself to other people, you are your own person and that's the best you can be

[Kherome]

See a doctor. Hair shouldn't be an object of such focus as to cause depression.

Perhaps some meds would help. And I'd recommend you NOT straighten your hair. It's just going to delay your goal of growth and healthy hair. No matter how bad the dye job, it'll look worse FRIED and dyed.

[x0h_bother]

Baby your hair. Take care of yourself. If you obsess, turn it into care and not scorn. Learn to believe you are beautiful just the way you are, and work to enhance that beauty. You've got it all there (the whole package) :)

[Purdy Bear]

Great big hugs for you. Yep I know exactly where you are, Iv not experienced damaged hair but total body hair loss, so lets get everything in perspective.

You have a few choices:

1. You could shave it all off, or at least get the damage cut off, but you would obviously loose length. How do you feel about this, could you cope with it!

2. Cover your hair with wigs, scarves, hats etc. This may make you feel a bit better.

3. Use this as a learning process instead of getting depressed swing it into the positive by learning everything and anything you can about good hair care and pampering your hair. NB with severely damaged hair I have known others where it has fallen out, it can only take so much damage.

4. Realise that each day you have your getting better hair (as long as you stop bleaching, treating, straightening, blow frying etc).


How it was for me - I had alopecia for years,and then it suddenly started to get worse, the thined and I tried to cover up the patches, eventually I shaved the remainder off. Now thats what I call a bad hair day! LOL!

I feel for you, it is so very hard having bad hair, but you can do something about it. I highly recommend you get journalling about your hair, just write down everything you feel about. But also find photos where you were happy with it. Start a positive relationship with your hair. Dont see if as an add on but a part of you.

You hopefully have your health, you can do and go where you want, other areas of your life will be going well we hope, so try and focus on the positive in your life.

Lastly, if a man is going to stray he will, and it wont be because of someones hair, and if it was he wouldnt be worth the effort.

Why dont you have a word with Igor, she shaved her head some years ago and is now very close to knee length. She is a total inspiration!

[Allychan]

I feel for you Yellowflower and I know how you feel.
I did the bleach thing and cut all my hair off. It made me feel like S#it and I looked how I felt. The truly sad thing is I kept compounding the problem ie trying to colour over it and kept cutting it too. My hair is pretty scrappy looking again because of straightening treatments and again I am experiencing hair envy and very unhappy with my hair.
The good news is it IS growing. Even as I type this it is growing. If having short hair saddens you DON'T cut it. Take care of what you have. Coconut oil is working wonders for me. Over here in Oz we had a product called Rose Drops (hair colour corrector). It was for grannys to tint their grey locks but it worked wonders on bleached hair. One of my friends used to use it and her yellow bleached hair would look awesome after using it. Normally it is added to hair dyes but it somehow neutralised the colour and rids it of the brassy colour. The beauty of it is you only need a couple of drops mixed with water.
I just Googled it and it is called Grey Magic now

[virgo75]

2nd those who suggest you see a doctor.

Your depression isn't just about your hair.
It's an illness and your focus on your hair and ex-boyfriend are symptoms.
Depression makes you think & feel that things about you or your life are the most horrible in the world when in reality they are just little speed bumps that most people go through.

I really hope you're able to get help and feel better. :flower:

[Rivanariko]

2nd those who suggest you see a doctor.

Your depression isn't just about your hair.
It's an illness and your focus on your hair and ex-boyfriend are symptoms.
Depression makes you think & feel that things about you or your life are the most horrible in the world when in reality they are just little speed bumps that most people go through.

I really hope you're able to get help and feel better. :flower:
This

Several of us have been there. We'll be here for you through it all. You need to talk to someone about your depression, not just about your hair, and I'd highly recommend a professional.

:grouphug: you can get through this.