Negative comments I've received when I have longer hair

[mneh]

Last week I visited a friend I haven't seen for over a year and she was surprised to see my hair in its new, wurly state (I gave up heat-straightening my hair almost a year ago but my friend didn't know this) and she complimented me on how long and curly my hair was. I felt very pleased because, even though I've been growing my hair and wearing it wurly for the last year, I'm still a bit nervous about how my hair looks. Also, for most of my life I hated my hair, because it was thick and bushy, so it's still quite a new experience for me to try and feel positive about my hair. Anyway, a few hours later into the visit, when we got to talking about hair and I was filling my friend in on my desire to grow my hair longer, my friend said that I should indulge my desire for long hair now because, obviously, I'll have to cut it off in a couple of years. It was the way that she said this that unsettled me, her tone of voice was as though she describing an accepted thing, almost a rule or a law that we all had to obey :confused: I didn't think to question the reasoning behind this statement, so I'm not sure what she meant exactly, but I think it was an age-related issue: in a couple of years I'll be 40.

I wanted to argue, to tell her about the wonderful older women with fantastic/beautiful long hair that I've seen on LHC, but I felt too timid to do it :( I'm new to trying to grow long hair, and to caring about my appearance in even a limited way, whereas my friend is very pretty and trendy, and always looks really well-turned out, so for some reason I felt my opinion wasn't as valid as hers. The strange thing is that her comment has been playing on my mind for the last week, I can't seem to shift it out of my mind. I've realised that in Ireland it's not at all common for older women to have long hair; any woman who does have long hair is treated as a relic of the past, or as frumpy, or is considered to be wearing her hair that way for religious reasons. My friend's comment wasn't made in a nasty way, and I know she meant no harm, but I'm just unsettled by it and what it means for me :(

The second thing that's been on my mind this week is an encounter that I had with a rude hairdresser some years ago: I had mid-back length hair and I wanted to discuss getting a trim, and some layers cut into it, but the hairdresser vehemently disagreed with me. She told me that because I was quite overweight I should have chin-length hair - to create a break between my head and my body so that I wasn't one big, solid shape - she also said this like it was just an accepted thing, a law of nature or something. It really hurt my feelings but I let her cut my hair into a chin-length bob, that I hated, and I didn't argue with her. I left the salon, went home, and cried my eyes out. And for years after that I kept my hair short because I felt that the hairdresser had verbalised what everyone else thought and that I should keep my hair short to stop people disapproving of me.

This encounter has been on my mind quite a bit lately, I think it's because I've gained weight lately and my hair is getting noticeably longer and fuller now so that people are commenting on it, which means I'm starting to feel a little insecure. For every not-so-nice comment I receive, I've received positive compliments, however, it's the not-so-nice comments that seem to stick in my head.

Also, I've noticed some people seem to be applying the rule of. "don't say anything if you can't say something nice", when they see my hair but they have forgotten to apply the rule to their face, so their facial expression is often one of distaste lol. I tell myself that it's the very trendy people in my acquaintance who least like my long hair, these are women who always have a new fashionable hair colour or style and who follow every trend, so I can understand that my hairstyle might not appeal to them, I just wonder why I'm letting their behaviour get to me.

I'm going to be job-hunting in the summer and I'm starting to wonder if this general Irish opinion regarding long-hairs will negatively affect my chances during job interviews. I don't intend to cut my hair, or straighten it, I will go to job interviews as I am, but I dislike the thought of people judging me through that narrow-minded mental filter.

I am so grateful for LHC as a place where I feel less different :cheese:

[Amraann]

About your friends comment and what it means for you?

Nothing. It means nothing for you. Sounds like your friend is of the mindset that people over 40 should not have long hair.
I have known people like that. It is their issue not yours.
If she wishes to hack her hair off at 40 then so be it. She does not have to agree with or like your choice. You are not here to decorate her world.

As for job hunting...
If you are worried then maybe a nice updo will work for you?

Ultimately you need to stop caring what other people think. If you want long hair then have long hair. Being confident will go a loooong way.
You are not going to please everybody all of the time. Your having long hair harms no one.
Who cares what other people think?
Maybe you need to focus on things that you know your successful at so that your not so insecure and worried about what other people think.
Whenever you start worrying you need to stop and remind yourself of your good qualities.

I seriously doubt that most of the people you know really dwell on how you look. They probably adore you for you and because you feel sensitive you assume they think bad things about how you look.
If they do dwell on your looks then you may wish to reconsider who you associate with and find a more positive group of friends.

[Ashenputtel]

I can't believe the hairdresser acutally called you overweight. That seems so shocking to me.

Anyway screw those stupid rules. I have a round doll-like face and apparently I'm suposed to keep my hair between SL and APL to balance everything out. I've been listening to that rule for years and now I'm tired of it.

I'm sorry you've experience such hurtfull and ridiculous comments. Some people should avoid service job.

As for your friend I think she's just a bit clumsy and brainwashed by society.

[Kherome]

Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's your head! Besides, most folks who make those comments are merely jealous of your hair and seek to convince you to get rid of it so they can feel superior.

And when you go for an interview, have a nice updo in and no one will know how long it is anyway.;)

[growing2shine]

About your friend's comment, if she's a good friend she will probably change her opinion when you turn 40, with longer hair. Maybe she needs to get used to the idea of longer-than-normal hair. :) I know that the people around me is very conservative and the thought of me growing my hair very long is also not something they like... Yet. Maybe they never will, I know I don't care! :D
I wouldn't worry at all about what others think, it is impossible to please everybody! Do what you want, and be happy. :)
Oh, and I think that looong hair is slimming!... I can't belive what that hair stylist said!

[Varney]

Trend followers are just that – followers. Why go by other peoples standards when you can go by your own? Your opinions are what matters. Personally I couldn’t care less about what’s trendy. The hairdresser you mentioned sounded absolutely awful and unfortunately fits with my stereotype about hairdressers. I know how you feel because I used to be really sensitive to negative comments. Getting a comment about having a puffy stomach led to problems with eating disorder in my case. But nowadays I’m confident and can handle negative comments. It sounds like you feel insecure and I hope you can find a way to grow more self-esteem so that other people’s opinions doesn’t bother you so much anymore.

When it comes to job hunting. I had a middle-aged (50+) female teacher at the university who always wore her hair up. When she let her hair down one time (so that she could adjust her hairdo) I was shocked by how long her hair was. I had no idea she had long hair. So put your hair up if you’re worried, because if the potential employers are like me they won’t even notice you have long hair. I don’t think it would be an issue though.

[spitfire511]

I'm agreed with the others, especially about your friend.

I have wanted long hair ever since I was very young, and I have had two close friends with waist or longer hair. However, both of them discouraged me from growing mine long. Hmmmm. :D

One I think legitimately thought her long hair was a pain (we were young and her mother wouldn't let her cut hers. She now has short hair and loves it :) )

The other though - is another redhead. I recall distinctly the time that she told me how cute my hair looked just shy of shoulder length. Now - that's honestly not a bad look for me, however. She didn't want another waist-length red-head around because she always got the positive attention from her hair. (At least that's my theory.)

You never really know what someone's motivations are when they're telling you that you'll have to cut or that you should cut. They may be jealous of your lovely locks (and they ARE lovely!) who knows...

BUT - if you love it - keep it! To heck with everyone else.

As far as the job hunt, pull it back into a really nice updo, and go for it. Professional and neat are the same regardless of hair length and if it's just out of the way, nothing but your talent and ability will shine through. :D :grouphug:

[fluffybunny]

I had a friend tell me my hair didn't look good longer than chin length because it "pulls my face down" and makes me look older. This was in my 30's, when I was barely even starting to show age in my face. Well Ok, I guess she thought she was doing me an honest favor with that bit of opinion. But that's all those types of comments are-- one person's opinion. I don't agree a chin-length bob magically makes me look younger. And even if it did, looking as young as possible isn't my total criteria for a hair style. I like long hair for many reasons. Even if it did "add 5 years" to my face or something, I'd still prefer it to short hair. Basically, I just like long hair. People who follow fashion rules are inevitably going to disagree and find reasons to criticize it, whether it's age or weight or height or whatever. So that's fine for them, they can have their opinion. I've chosen not to follow fashion on this one.

[Florida Mom]

I'm sorry your friend unintentionally made you feel bad. Hugs.

You know, when they say short hair makes you look younger and long hair makes you look older..... I disagree. Especially looking at the beautiful manes here. To me, long, healthy shiny hair seems to make the wearer look younger. Because typically (at least where I am from) only kids and teenagers have that type of hair. And for an adult to have it - to me that is reaching for the proverbial fountain of youth.

[Kaeita]

I was always told that having a haircut (short) makes people look like they've lost weight, and that's one of the underlying reasons I cut my hair short so many times over the years. It's rubbish! Cutting my hair short just made my hair short, I'm still overweight.

I'm sorry you had negative comments about your hair. Think about what you'd tell someone else facing the same situation, and tell yourself that ;) You have beautiful hair, and I'm sure you're a beautiful person too. Why should you feel intimidated by your friend?

I agree with the suggestions to put your hair up while looking for work, and enjoy it any way you like at other times. I've always loved long hair on "old" ladies, not that 40 is close to old (it can't be, I'll be 40 in less than a decade! :agree:).

[Mesmerise]

Well, I'm sure your friend meant well ;) That's the sort of thing I just ignore or let go though. I see no reason at all why someone of your age (same age as me lol) should have to cut their hair off in a couple of years...pfft...

And as for the RUDE hairdresser... I actually think chubby people look better with longer hair, cause short hair makes chubby faces look rounder (I'm not exactly slim right now myself!!)... To me long hair is quite flattering on ladies with larger figures!

I think hairdressers should just do what you ask and not make rude comments!!

As for job interviews - well I think you can put your hair up in a neat bun if you want to look professional for the interview. When you've actually got the job, you can gauge for yourself what is acceptable in your workplace and do your hair to suit. I had a friend who got a job a few years back, and her boss told her to cut her hair shorter cause it was unprofessional (first time I've heard a boss doing this), she had long, thick, wurly hair too. She used to just put it in a ponytail, but after this wore it in a neat bun, and got no more comments. Although I'm sure he'd have preferred her to cut it - sod him really!

As for age, I think I look younger with long hair and not older... at least, people always think I'm younger than I am!!

You have to be comfortable with YOU and not worry about what others think. What's the point in cutting your hair short if you're going to look in the mirror every day and be sad?? Who wants to spend so much time obsessing over how they look because their hair just isn't them...because it's cut short to "conventional standards" when they're a "long hair person"!!

[Red_Wednesday]

About your friends comment and what it means for you?

Nothing. It means nothing for you. Sounds like your friend is of the mindset that people over 40 should not have long hair.
I have known people like that. It is their issue not yours.
If she wishes to hack her hair off at 40 then so be it. She does not have to agree with or like your choice. You are not here to decorate her world.

As for job hunting...
If you are worried then maybe a nice updo will work for you?

Ultimately you need to stop caring what other people think. If you want long hair then have long hair. Being confident will go a loooong way.
You are not going to please everybody all of the time. Your having long hair harms no one.
Who cares what other people think?
Maybe you need to focus on things that you know your successful at so that your not so insecure and worried about what other people think.
Whenever you start worrying you need to stop and remind yourself of your good qualities.

I seriously doubt that most of the people you know really dwell on how you look. They probably adore you for you and because you feel sensitive you assume they think bad things about how you look.
If they do dwell on your looks then you may wish to reconsider who you associate with and find a more positive group of friends.

Awesome post!! I couldn't agree more!

OP, if this helps at all, just think about what any of these people do for you.

Do they pay your bills? Buy you food? Cook your food? Cool your forehead with a moist cloth when you're ill? And here's the really big one, are they you:D?If you answered "no" to any of these questions, don't waste one solid minute worrying about what they think - life is far too short.

And just like Amraann said, you can't please everyone. Just when you would cut your hair to "please" someone, someone else would come along and say you look funny with short hair:rolleyes:. Just do you and forget the rest:flower:.

[Fufu]

Ask yourself, do you like yourself in long hair or short hair? You like yourself in long hair, keep it that way. If not, do something that you yourself will like it :)

Take other people's words with a pinch of salt.

[AnnaJamila]

Darling, I'm 180 pounds and with my hair this long my body looks the best it ever has. Now I look curvy and womanly instead of lumpy. Weeeeeeeeeell... there may be one or two lumps left, but they aren't hurting anyone!

I've found that short hair on curvy women makes them look like a jumble of lumps while long hair smoothes out the sillohoute and makes the general form look more gracefull and feminine.

And don't let other people tell you how to live your life. (Aimed more at the stylist than your friend.) People say things all the time that are rude, uncalled for and most importantly UNTRUE. You can't take things personally or else you'll wake up one day and realize you've been living the way everyone else thinks you should have been rather than the way you think you should have been.

[dragonette@1]

Oh sweetie! Wear your hair the way YOU want, the way that pleases you! If you want to grow it to the floor, then do it, and be proud! Life is too short to worry about what a few ignorant people think.
I am 53 years old, and my hair is past my bra strap, and heading towards my waist. I am also a full-figured woman. I wear my hair long because it makes me feel feminine, and very, very female! For work, I either braid or bun it up. My office is very traditional and conservative, and no one has ever complained.

[Endymion's_Star]

As everyone else has said, Don't let them get you down! It sucks that a silly offhand comment like that made you feel sad. I hope you feel better after talking to us LHC'ers :D

I've been told by sooooo many people, and so many stylists and hairdressers that I should have shorter hair. I was told by one, that shorter hair would make my cheeks look less fat... I let her cut it, and then went home and cried....

I know I have a little round face...but seriously, Fat CHEEKS!?

Thankfully my hair grows quickly, but it taught me not to listen to those people. I love my hair, and that's all that matters.

Do you love your hair? Does it make you happy when its long? Can you still whip it up nicely for work? If the answer to these is yes, keep it. Cutting it will only make you sad....

[hanne jensen]

I was 49 when I started to grow my hair long. I'll be 60 when I reach my hair goal. So What?

If you want to have really long hair, you'll just have to thumb your nose at fashion and what's trendy right now. I guarantee you, in 5-10 years time, everyone will be running around with almost waist length hair! These are the same people advocating short hair today!

As for job interviews, a neat updo looks much more proffessional than trendy short hair.

In only 10 centimeters time your hair will be a lot less bushy. Trust me.

It is YOUR hair and YOUR head. If you've always wanted very long hair, then go for it. I wish I did 10 years ago!

[mneh]

Gosh, everyone, thanks so much for posting and cheering me up. I just needed to hear the other side of the argument: that long hair is beautiful at any age and any size.

I really wonder why our longer hair is of such interest to other people and evokes such a strong, not always positive reaction in some?

Thanks also for the excellent advice on how to present myself during future job interviews. I will start practising updos, from now until my Uni course ends, and hopefully by that time I will have mastered at least one tidy updo that I can wear to job interviews :D

I am hoping that in a few months time my hair will be longer, and so it will be less bushy, and more well-behaved. I have shorter layers in my canopy and they really just do their own crazy, wild thing a lot of the time.

To all who posted here, thanks again - you've given me a lot to think about and made me begin to challenge some of the negative things I was thinking about myself :D

[xoxophelia]

But darling, rules are only created to be broken ;)

Happy growing :D

[carabean]

Hey there, I'm a little late to offer encouragement, but it seems to me that your long hair is like putting flowers in a dusty room. You've found something you love about yourself. That is wonderful and hold on to that. It will spill over to the rest of your life.

[princessp]

I've realised that in Ireland it's not at all common for older women to have long hair; any woman who does have long hair is treated as a relic of the past, or as frumpy, or is considered to be wearing her hair that way for religious reasons.

So it seems the only way to change this perception is to be a pioneer and grow your hair!:p

As far as the job interview goes, simply wear your hair up in a cute, neat, bun. I always wear my hair up at work.

Grow, grow, grow!:cheese:

[Islandgrrl]

If I listened to everyone who thought I should cut my hair because....I'd be bald!

My hair makes me feel beautiful. That's ALL that matters.

If your hair makes you feel the way my hair makes me feel, you have no choice in the matter! You have to keep growing it!

[mneh]

I want to say thanks again to everyone who posted encouraging messages, advice, and alternative ways to look at things. I read your messages, took some time, and really thought about it all, and I've decided that this is the happiest I've ever been with my hair in my entire life. I don't want to go back to fighting with and hating my hair - so...... keeping my hair long and wurly wins the argument I was having with myself :cheese:

I'll try to practice updos, and other styles, so that I don't get caught in a style-rut and feel more confident in job-hunting.

LHC is a great place - hugs to you all for understanding and for helping :D

[sweetiepie]

Mneh, your friend is soooo behind on the fashion front - cutting your hair short around 40 is SO 2005. Everyone has long hair now! Name one big female celebrity under 50 with short hair. Long hair is the new bob! Your friend is clueless. Considering her quite trendy might be just an old habit of yours back from the time when she was indeed trendy (like, 90s or what?? she sounds so off). Right now she's propably just irrelevant. I don't think Angelina Jolie is cutting her hair come her 40th birthday.
As for the hairdresser - what a dumb bitch, if a person is not that thin you need to give them a longer cut! EVERYONE knows that, duh. They do recommend to avoid extrabig hair but it has to be past shoulders in order to NOT cut your body with any addictional horizontal lines.
And FYI everyone is coloring their hair natural colours now and dying to get that not-dyed hair effect (except for platinum blondes, that is). Natural is in. Even grey hair. Some people around you seriously need to WAKE UP, open their eyes and look around - HEY IT'S 2011 ALREADY.

[slipperlady]

When I was a young girl we visited my great grandmother. She had very long hair twisted in a beautiful style. She also wore corsets and had a beautiful hour glass figure while all the other old ladies were frumpy. In her trunk there was a 3 foot long braid that she had cut off as a girl. I can only surmise that she was traumatized by that haircut because I don't think she ever had short hair again. I wish she were alive now because I would love to have a conversation with her now that I could be a great grandmother myself. (Yes, it is true--I have a daughter approaching 40.)

[mneh]

Mneh, your friend is soooo behind on the fashion front - cutting your hair short around 40 is SO 2005. Everyone has long hair now! Name one big female celebrity under 50 with short hair. Long hair is the new bob! Your friend is clueless. Considering her quite trendy might be just an old habit of yours back from the time when she was indeed trendy (like, 90s or what?? she sounds so off). Right now she's propably just irrelevant. I don't think Angelina Jolie is cutting her hair come her 40th birthday.
As for the hairdresser - what a dumb bitch, if a person is not that thin you need to give them a longer cut! EVERYONE knows that, duh. They do recommend to avoid extrabig hair but it has to be past shoulders in order to NOT cut your body with any addictional horizontal lines.
And FYI everyone is coloring their hair natural colours now and dying to get that not-dyed hair effect (except for platinum blondes, that is). Natural is in. Even grey hair. Some people around you seriously need to WAKE UP, open their eyes and look around - HEY IT'S 2011 ALREADY.

Thanks for your comments - you're right in that a lot of celebs who are approaching middle age are keeping their hair long. I hadn't considered that before. And thanks for the info on horizontal lines and body shape - that is very interesting.


When I was a young girl we visited my great grandmother. She had very long hair twisted in a beautiful style. She also wore corsets and had a beautiful hour glass figure while all the other old ladies were frumpy. In her trunk there was a 3 foot long braid that she had cut off as a girl. I can only surmise that she was traumatized by that haircut because I don't think she ever had short hair again. I wish she were alive now because I would love to have a conversation with her now that I could be a great grandmother myself. (Yes, it is true--I have a daughter approaching 40.)

I think that is a lovely story about your great grandmother :) In my life, I've known both of my grandmothers, and my great grandmother, and all three of them have that short, fluffy perm that a lot of older ladies in Ireland wear. But when I saw pictures of them as younger women, they had short, permed hair then too, so now I think they just continued a fashionable style from when they were younger. I think I would like to head towards old age with long, elegant hair :)

[katienoonan]

You seem to be such a sweet, understanding woman... Yes, a little timid in voicing your own true opinions.. The only issue with this quietness is that in not challenging othrs judgements you allow them to burrow into your own opinions and grow... You know your mind, You know what you like and what you want, I think trying to shake off the fears andworries is the only thing you need to resolve, nothing else.

[Theobroma]

[...] my friend said that I should indulge my desire for long hair now because, obviously, I'll have to cut it off in a couple of years.

And this would be carved in stone where, precisely? It's YOUR hair, and you'll be just as entitled to wear it in exactly the way it makes YOU feel good when you hit 40. And 50. And 60. Etc. What, we're supposed to sacrifice our hair just because our looks aren't as fresh as when we were 20? What kind of sense is that supposed to make? :confused:


I've realised that in Ireland it's not at all common for older women to have long hair; any woman who does have long hair is treated as a relic of the past, or as frumpy, or is considered to be wearing her hair that way for religious reasons.

Hurm. All I can say is, if you acquire a repertoire of updos that's even a fraction of the size of what's on offer here at LHC, and if (finances permitting) you also acquire a selection of cool and stylish hairtoys to secure them with, then anyone who still considers you a relic or a frump will need to have their eyes examined. And possibly their heads as well. :)


I'm going to be job-hunting in the summer and I'm starting to wonder if this general Irish opinion regarding long-hairs will negatively affect my chances during job interviews.

YouTube is your friend. It's never been so easy to learn an awesome range of updos for so many different hair lengths. For a job interview, if you're feeling nervous about long hair, put it in a French twist. That''ll hide even hip length hair so well nobody will suspect it's longer than APL, and it'll look twice as elegant as any short cut you could ever get.

Bottom line: Wear your hair in the way that makes you happy, and don't let the b*st*rds grind you down!

[spidermom]

Here are a couple of generally accepted statements you might want to keep in mind:

"Opinions are like a-holes. Everybody has one, and most of them stink."

"Before you get upset about what somebody else thinks, realize how little most other people think."

I'm overweight too, and I like how my hair covers up my rear-end. Of course, it's usually in an up-style, so not many people know that. Start learning how to put your hair up. It's a good way to get that pulled-together look (such as for a job interview) without cutting your hair, plus it gets your hair out of the way. The longer my hair gets, the more annoying and downright dangerous it can be (such as around an open flame).

[Dorothy]

I am also an over 40 large lady, and I don't get to feel beautiful that much. My hair makes me feel beautiful, and I'm damned if I'll let THAT go. It's the one thing I get regular compliments on. My advice is to REVEL in your hair.

[Paranda Belle]

There are so many lovelt women over 40 with long hair who arent stick thin. Pamela Stevenson springs to mind.

I find I use my long hair as a cover up if I feel a bit chunky. For covering that upper arm area, hair works so much better than a shawl, and it doesnt even look like a coverup!

[BabyRay33]

I think whatever makes you feel good about yourself, you need to keep. If that means, hair, then so be it. Who really cares what anyone else thinks? You need to like you first, before anyone else gets a say.

[Luckysock]

ummmm I'm looking at your profile pic and your hair is wicked! you have great colour tones in it, it has depth and the curl is incredible! its the kind of curl that people suffer through perms to get!

Don't let them get to you - from where I am sitting - you look great :D

[ALYSSA]

i know how u feel my friends and family especially my mom give me ack handed compliments all the time and over the years it has helped me become so insecure. i hardly get actual compliments. i feel good aout my hair im growing it fvor me and u should too! :) its your hair. besides my profil pic (iv got a good trrim since the pic) ni know i have decent hairs its shiny medium not too thin/thick shy of waist im happy... HAPPY GROWING TO YOU (: