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x0h_bother
December 29th, 2010, 07:47 PM
...but I secretly take enjoyment in people I know who cut their hair short. Even my good friends! For example, my friend had awesome hair for her wedding, probably BSL+, her natural blonde with some highlights. Shortly after the wedding, she chopped and dyed to chin. I was happy about this because I thought she looked so much better before! And then a friend who is a hair stylist has been talking to me encouraging me to use certain shampoos for shedding and knows I have been growing mine and she has been growing hers. I walked in today and she chopped to chin! I know she probably donated now that I think about it, but I still was very happy. I'm NOT saying chin length is not beautiful, I know tons of people who can pull off the proverbial "mommy" haircut and look great, but I just love long hair and truely think my friends looked better pre-chop. :( But I feel really guilty about feeling like I have "one up" on them just because I have longer hair.

PrincessTieflin
December 29th, 2010, 07:54 PM
..I feel the same way a lot of times.. alot of my freinds have short hair (shorter then mine) :)

My growing out long make me unique and my hair is so much prettier.. Maybe this is why I have very few friends.

triumphator!
December 29th, 2010, 08:20 PM
Well, you cherish and agonize over every inch, and idolized their hair. I can see why you'd secretly be pleased. I don't think that makes you a bad person, per se, maybe a little competitive. But they don't mind losing length as much as you do, so maybe its not a big deal.

christine1989
December 29th, 2010, 08:28 PM
I'm totally guilty of this too. Whenever someone I know chops off their long hair I secretly think "one down!". At this point I'm glad to say my hair is longer than most all of my friends and family. I figure it is harmless though; they are happy with their cut and I'm happy to have one upped them in the hair department ;).

Magdalene
December 29th, 2010, 08:52 PM
Just a little schadenfreude. Perfectly normal, you're just honest enough with yourself to admit it!

excentricat
December 29th, 2010, 08:55 PM
I feel the same way. Mine is undoubtedly made worse by the fact that I decided to grow partially out of jealousy that all my friends had this beautiful long hair and I didn't. My sister keeps talking about cutting hers and I find myself fighting the urge to cheer her on because that might make her decide not to.

littlebabywulf
December 29th, 2010, 09:01 PM
That seems so weird to me, because I don't compare hair length so much as the prettiness/quality of the hair.

I had longish hair, as you can see in my sig pic. But I have been rocking a pixie cut for about 6 months now, and don't have plans to change that until mid-summer.

I know my hair looks much better now than when it was longer, and back then it was virgin and wasn't being dried or straightened in the bang area. And I know that my hair is in much better condition than my friends who have APL/BSL length hair which is definitely because of LHC. But compared to them, I'm the one with the unique hair. :D

mellie89
December 29th, 2010, 09:43 PM
I'm guilty of this, too. In fact, I just read a Facebook status from one of my friends who has pretty, waist-length hair. She said she got two inches cut off, and it feels so much shorter. My first reaction was, "Oh, yes! Just get one more trim like that, and we'll have the same length hair!" Then I felt bad. :p

ETA: Just for clarity, since this thread got a bit heated, I'd like to add that she did in fact need the trim, and that we have a bit of a friendly competition going on in terms of growing our hair. ;)

LaurelSpring
December 29th, 2010, 09:53 PM
Count me in as guilty of this. I dont know why. It just feels like long hair trumps. I do encourage my friends to grow though. If someone asks me my opinion on a style I always say... you know I prefer long hair. Im so far ahead in the hair game right now though that I dont think anyone in my general circles would even contemplate going as far as I have length wise. Most cant fathom dealing with this length.

pepperminttea
December 29th, 2010, 10:02 PM
<snip> I don't compare hair length so much as the prettiness/quality of the hair.
<snip>

Same. I tend to envy natural hair colours and textures, especially if they're healthy, and then lament quietly to myself when my friends use chemical dyes, perms/straightenings, that kind of thing. Not that I ever mention this to them, it's their hair to do with what they will, but a part of me does think, "Can we swap? Please?"

FullMoonTrim
December 29th, 2010, 10:03 PM
At least you are aware of being competitive with other women in the hair area. Do you suggest that they chop it?

30isthenewblack
December 29th, 2010, 10:04 PM
I don't think this makes you a bad person but I do think you need to address why you compete with your friends and over something as insignificant as the length of your hair. It shows insecurity. You should never compare yourself favourably or unfavourably with other people.

McFearless
December 29th, 2010, 10:06 PM
Its normal to want to have the longest hair in the room but having joy in your friends looking worse is kind of..bitchy.

Arrow Juniper
December 29th, 2010, 10:12 PM
you're speaking to a room full of long hair queens :) schadenfreude-proof. no one's cutting anything.
but...i am wondering if the dynamic is the same, when someone who is regularly on here cuts her hair. same? different?

angelthadiva
December 29th, 2010, 10:19 PM
I don't think this makes you a bad person but I do think you need to address why you compete with your friends and over something as insignificant as the length of your hair. It shows insecurity. You should never compare yourself favourably or unfavourably with other people.

I agree with this. When you stack yourself up against those who are around you; is that really the measuring stick you should be comparing yourself to? :confused:

I had a friend who was very friendly with me until I began to have more success in areas of my life than she did...As long as I was one or two rungs below her on the ladder of success; we were cool. That, my friend--Is NOT a friend.

I have another friend, who shares my success as well as my failures and vice versa. We are in the same program in school and honestly, I'd be just as happy if she were to find a job after school as I'd be if I did...That is a sign of a true friend.

I would never dream of being friends with someone who was less successful than I was just to make myself feel superior...Or be friends with someone who was less attractive than I was so I felt prettier. I have friends who are doctors, lawyers, successful business men and women--People who are thick, thin, light, dark, tall, short, sinners, saints, gay, bi, straight...ETA: beauty queens, actually I'm friends with a few beauty queens, and many more who have beauty within...END ETA/You name it and I'm friends with it :shrug:
I guess I'm curious as to why these superficial things matter; when in the big scheme of things they are really insignificant.

IcarusBride
December 30th, 2010, 02:36 AM
He he he, I'm also guilty. My friend who I've mentioned a few times here on LHC is a cosmetology-school drop out and she's constantly trying to force her 'knowledge' down my throat. It gives me slightly evil pleasure that her hair is only about 3-5 inches long.

ravenreed
December 30th, 2010, 03:46 AM
I don't do this. I don't think certain lengths or types of hair are any prettier or better than any other. I think there are lots of shorter styles that are just as charming as longer ones. I am also not at all competitive. I was a little taken aback when one of my friends who was closest to me in length got a pretty big chop, but only because I liked comparing lengths in a friendly race. However, I really don't care if all my friends grow their hair long, or chop it all off. It is their hair and they should be happy with whatever they do.

vanity_acefake
December 30th, 2010, 03:55 AM
Oh I'm the total opposite since deciding to grow my hair long. I'm constantly trying to encourage people to grow their hair long! Which I think must get pretty annoying.
Or if they cut their hair I admire the new cut and then put my foot in it by asking if they are going to grow it again.
Must learn to keep these thoughts to myself!
Mind you those who cut their hair are all now growing it out!

Rini
December 30th, 2010, 04:09 AM
x0h_bother I absolutely applaud your honesty! I love that you've noticed this about yourself when there are so many people blind to such things. You are not a bad person, you are displaying some competitiveness, but I think you need to be careful that it doesn't end up making you very unhappy. Comparing yourself to others is a slippery slope.

Personally, I think I might have felt this way when I was younger but it's something you grow out of as I haven't had such feelings for a very long time. In fact, when I see someone on here who has chopped their hair I feel very sad. I feel like PMing them to express my sadness, but I know that it's their choice and I need to leave it alone :shake:

(Btw, it's taken me many years to not care about what people think of me, nor to compare myself with others. I'm 38 and it's only been in the last 2 years or so that I've felt this security within myself. It's ONE benefit of ageing :D )

30isthenewblack
December 30th, 2010, 04:38 AM
I agree that you have been very honest x0h_bother but it would be good if you could also address that behaviour. It's a stereotype but unfortunately women (not all of course) when they see someone they perceive to be better, try and bring them down to their level whereas men have a tendancy to try and emulate other men they admire and rise to their level.

Sunny_side_up
December 30th, 2010, 06:40 AM
At work we are encouraging each other to grow
:) Ages range from 22 to 36, hair lengths from under the ear choppy hair to passing BSL slightly layered with blunt lower ends. I admire all textures and colours, been cheering each other on and passing tips round (enjoying blackseed oil my workmate got me)

Couple weeks ago my colleague said my hair was growing when i wore it down at an audit, nice to have people notice and there was no mention of cut. She is trying to slowly grow her layers out, but has them trimmed a teeny bit every few months. Nice we are all sharing the vibes of good growth, i get a good feeling from my workmates, enjoy the growing journey and send happy thoughts towards others:)
A friend grew her hair for a year from passing shoulder to bsl so she could have long curls for her wedding, few weeks after the wedding she had it cut back to shoulder. Her hair looked so pretty at bsl and those lovely long blonde ringlets looked divine! I felt it was quite a loss, but didn't say anything. Its her choice afterall:)

hanne jensen
December 30th, 2010, 07:25 AM
I feel the same way as the OP. Just today I met an acquantence who chopped about a foot off her hair. My hair is longer than hers now!

MWAAAAAW!

Timkerbelle
December 30th, 2010, 07:34 AM
I agree with those who see this as a sign of insecurity. If you are perfectly content with what you have and who you are there is no need to feel happy when other people drop down a peg. I'm saying this not to have a go at the OP, but because this is exactly how I feel about other people's weight. I struggle with my weight, and if someone who I admire (envy to be blunt) puts on a bit I feel so happy, because they are now a little bit less superior to me. Very sad, yet very human.

Avital88
December 30th, 2010, 07:38 AM
Now i know why my friend always tells me to cut my 'dead ends'.. she just needs an inch to have longer hair..
Good luck, i admire your honesty but i do think its kinda childish thinking.

Nae
December 30th, 2010, 07:55 AM
Well, depends on how long you want to grow but if the goal is "longer than just about anybody I know" then with each cut that you witness in friends and family you are going on to your goal and it is a visual representation that you are becoming more long haired than the norm.

And not that the goal has to be "longer than anyone I know," after all a lot of the most admired hair on LHC is to lengths that is not necessarily the norm in our society. So it may not matter if it is a competition or not. Just that as each aquaintance cuts and returns to the "norm" and you continue on into long hair land it is a show of your own progress.

If you grow to LHC lengths you will naturally become the longest hair in the room. I don't see how noticing that you are moving toward that and being glad is a terrible thing. It just is. If you are actively encouraging others to cut, okay, I agree, you have a problem. I guess it is all about mindset. Are you glad that you are growing longer or specifically glad that you are growing longer than THEM? That is the question.

enfys
December 30th, 2010, 08:06 AM
You only have one up on them if they want long hair I think.

I wish more people around me had long hair; I'd feel more normal. I have two best friends, the only ones whose hair matters to me. One has a short bob with red lowlights and it looks awesome on her, the other has BSLish strawberry blonde hair that I would swap mine with in a heartbeat. Both of them like the hair the hair they have, have a mild curiosity in mine, and come to me for advice. It's a pretty good dynamic.

If I compared my thick, heavy, stationary long hair with other people's it wouldn't be long. I feel a pang more when a celebrity cuts their hair if they were a high profile longhair.

Cupofmilk
December 30th, 2010, 08:09 AM
I agree with this. When you stack yourself up against those who are around you; is that really the measuring stick you should be comparing yourself to? :confused:

I had a friend who was very friendly with me until I began to have more success in areas of my life than she did...As long as I was one or two rungs below her on the ladder of success; we were cool. That, my friend--Is NOT a friend.

I have another friend, who shares my success as well as my failures and vice versa. We are in the same program in school and honestly, I'd be just as happy if she were to find a job after school as I'd be if I did...That is a sign of a true friend.

I would never dream of being friends with someone who was less successful than I was just to make myself feel superior...Or be friends with someone who was less attractive than I was so I felt prettier. I have friends who are doctors, lawyers, successful business men and women--People who are thick, thin, light, dark, tall, short, sinners, saints, gay, bi, straight...ETA: beauty queens, actually I'm friends with a few beauty queens, and many more who have beauty within...END ETA/You name it and I'm friends with it :shrug:
I guess I'm curious as to why these superficial things matter; when in the big scheme of things they are really insignificant.

I am afraid I have to agree. I was on the receiving end of this once - someone tried very hard to persuade me to cut my hair and I had no support for keeping it long and I did want a trim of 6 inches say but I really chopped it.
I saw her afterwards and all she has talked about since is how her hair is longer than mine and how pleased she is and how she's never cutting hers again etc etc. That's not being a friend and I'm afraid in these circumstances I have not wanted to spend time with her anymore. I'm not saying this is what you are doing - but it's a more extreme example.

lapushka
December 30th, 2010, 08:23 AM
I don't do this. I don't think certain lengths or types of hair are any prettier or better than any other. I think there are lots of shorter styles that are just as charming as longer ones. I am also not at all competitive. I was a little taken aback when one of my friends who was closest to me in length got a pretty big chop, but only because I liked comparing lengths in a friendly race. However, I really don't care if all my friends grow their hair long, or chop it all off. It is their hair and they should be happy with whatever they do.

I don't do this either. Women who do compete can be so damn petty. If there's one thing I hate it's petty, bitchy behavior. The stuff they compete over is often so damn insignificant it's almost laughable. Yeah, so your shoes are this or that brand and *so* expensive. Mine are from a discount store. Big deal. What's your point? I really don't give a damn. And yes, the fact that you don't give a damn makes them angry, because you don't seem to get it, apparently. :roll: Women like that give you the feeling they're out to get you and that they will hurt you for their own enjoyment the first chance they get. Petty, silly, bitchy stuff.

I find it hard to be around women who are competitive, which is -I think- the reason I never had many close friends. You just don't allow people like that into your life. And so many women are competitive. I find it's a lot easier to talk to men.

To the OP: I do admire you for your honesty. But what's this all about, really? Hair. I mean... It's only hair. So what if your friends' hair got chopped. They don't even care. I mean, come on! It's nothing you'll hurt them with or affect them by (which is a good thing). The fact that you feel guilty about it might be a starting point in addressing the behavior. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior, what you say to them. Please don't be mean.

sally_neuf
December 30th, 2010, 08:27 AM
To the OP:
Oh! This guilty pleasure.. yes you're not alone :o
When I know someone chopped her hair, I feel mine gets more special because it is a little bit more rare
+1 one up, lol!

growing2shine
December 30th, 2010, 08:30 AM
Some years ago, I was like that too... I was very insecure, and I was going through some bad stuff. I never showed what I thought, but I did encourage one girl to cut her hair shorter (not very short though). I was thinking some bad stuff, but I was only supportive, and she REALLY wanted the haircut. I don't think she ever got that haircut because of her very strict parents. :hmm:

Also my best friend has this kind of short hair which is really damaged (she has been dying and frying her hair for many years), but after I've talked about this forum and my hair care, she is kind of inspired to care better for her hair, and she has been growing for the last six months. Im so happy for her, and I help with trims. (She has had some very bad salon experiences.) She is so much happier with her hair, and she is now able to do a little braid! :D

Bene
December 30th, 2010, 08:32 AM
It never occurred to me to actually care, one way or the other, about how another person's length compares to mine. So yes, you're a bad person. Very very bad. Off to the corner for you so you can think about what you've done.

Unofficial_Rose
December 30th, 2010, 08:33 AM
If a friend or someone I liked, or even was neutral towards/stranger, cut off or spoiled their hair, I would think it was a shame. But then, that is only my opinion - they might prefer their new look. :shrug:

I have to admit that if someone who had been mean or bitchy towards me did something unflattering to themselves inc. a bad haircut, I might be a little bit pleased. But I'd keep quiet about it...

UltraBella
December 30th, 2010, 08:48 AM
I am just always excited for people, I think hair changes can be really fun :) I don't like when friends have haircut regret and I always compliment them on their new style. Sometimes I am jealous because I have been thinking about cutting my hair for quite some time but am too chicken.............

cm006j
December 30th, 2010, 10:12 AM
Hmmm, for some reason I feel heart broken when my friends cut their hair!

I love long hair on everyone. One of my friends has been talking about trimming because she thinks her ends are too thin on her waist length hair. I've been giving her hair oils and telling her tips from here and trying to keep her from cutting it!

x0h_bother
December 30th, 2010, 10:12 AM
Just a little schadenfreude.
I had to look this word up, and yes this is it!

Do you suggest that they chop it?
No I never suggest they chop, and I don't necessarily suggest they grow. I always compliment my friends on their cuts becuase they do look nice and I want them to feel good because they like their hair, but I don't go over the top with it because I think (inside) that they should grow their hair long. I think my friends are happy with their hair lengths, otherwise they would be telling me they are growing out. I never encourage them to grow out unless they say something about it because this can be dangerous too. People like their hair the way it is and not everyone wants long hair! But I personally think they look better with it longer.

Sunny_side_up
December 30th, 2010, 10:12 AM
It never occurred to me to actually care, one way or the other, about how another person's length compares to mine. So yes, you're a bad person. Very very bad. Off to the corner for you so you can think about what you've done.
Lolz! :)
My goal is to get to a healthy BSL and maintain there, no competition in sight, just me tending to and nurturing my hair on this journey.
Funny the responses to this thread, prob get more than someones thread about how their hair health has improved or how much they have grown over a period of time. Happy growing everyone! Enjoy your life whatever your hair length;)

ravenreed
December 30th, 2010, 10:46 AM
You do realize they might be thinking that you would look better with hair that is shorter? :confused:



I had to look this word up, and yes this is it!

No I never suggest they chop, and I don't necessarily suggest they grow. I always compliment my friends on their cuts becuase they do look nice and I want them to feel good because they like their hair, but I don't go over the top with it because I think (inside) that they should grow their hair long. I think my friends are happy with their hair lengths, otherwise they would be telling me they are growing out. I never encourage them to grow out unless they say something about it because this can be dangerous too. People like their hair the way it is and not everyone wants long hair! But I personally think they look better with it longer.

squiggyflop
December 30th, 2010, 10:56 AM
i never think this about hair matters.. im more likely to be annoyed that the person chopped.. though i wont express that because i know its their right to chop.. . i have a little trouble separating myself from others in my mind..

Maverick494
December 30th, 2010, 11:07 AM
Yes and no.

I once had this girl in class who I hated because she was always such a stuck bitch to me, but I envied her hair. Then she cut it off for a more popular cut which didn´t suit her at all and I really did enjoy that.

On the other hand, another classmate of mine who I like used to have pitch black, shiny, straight hair that reached her butt. I was totally envious of her and when she came back one day with highlighted SL hair I was honestly mortified. She was my inspiration for growing my hair long.

So I´m on the fence with this one. When it concerns people I don´t like, I feel good when they degrade their looks (in my view ofcourse, they themselves prolly feel better about themselves with that new cut). But when someone I like cuts or alters their hair in a way I don't like, I see that as a loss.

I never had a problem with other people being prettier or more successful than me, as long as I atleast didn't hate them. When someone I have a problem with gets ahead in life, yes, I am shallow enough to hope that they fall down the ladder. But that usually does not concern long hair ;)

Also, some previously long haired people just look better with short hair...

sherigayle
December 30th, 2010, 12:25 PM
I only get that feeling with my SIL and I think its because we don't get along anyway. She gets hideous choppy haircuts and was bragging about how hot the expensive flat iron she got for Christmas was. It just made me smile and shake my hair.

I don't think it makes you a bad person to feel a little competitive. You're not hurting anyone.

Arya
December 30th, 2010, 12:34 PM
I've never understood the whole "I want to look thinner/have longer hair etc. for my/my friend's wedding". ESPECIALLY if they immediately undo all the hard work after the wedding. It's like "Okay, I can go back to being a giant fat pig and cut off all my pretty hair because it is no longer wedding time anymore". You..don't want to be healthy when there isn't a wedding? You...don't want to look pretty all the time?

I just don't get this attitude.


Also, I only feel schadenfreude when it comes to ONE girl, my evil archnemesis, also a redhead. We stalk each other's facebooks about once a year, secretly hoping the other is fatter and has crappy hair. I take great pride in the fact that I'm DEFINITELY winning. :D

xoxophelia
December 30th, 2010, 12:40 PM
I've never understood the whole "I want to look thinner/have longer hair etc. for my/my friend's wedding". ESPECIALLY if they immediately undo all the hard work after the wedding. It's like "Okay, I can go back to being a giant fat pig and cut off all my pretty hair because it is no longer wedding time anymore". You..don't want to be healthy when there isn't a wedding? You...don't want to look pretty all the time?

I just don't get this attitude.


Also, I only feel schadenfreude when it comes to ONE girl, my evil archnemesis, also a redhead. We stalk each other's facebooks about once a year, secretly hoping the other is fatter and has crappy hair. I take great pride in the fact that I'm DEFINITELY winning. :D

O.O I am not sure if this is sarcasm but your post reads as a bit shocking to me...

I really hope us women can try to come together and support each other. Not tear each other down.

angelthadiva
December 30th, 2010, 12:55 PM
I personally don't get the whole idea of schadenfreude--At all, not a position I personally subscribe to...I rather like Romans 12:15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Rocket22
December 30th, 2010, 01:34 PM
But I feel really guilty about feeling like I have "one up" on them just because I have longer hair.[/quote]


Humm very interesting thread.. I can honestly say I've been envious of others hair (but in a good way) but I have always encouraged friends to grow or give any tips I have learned if they are interested, although I have to say MOST people don't share my hair craziness at all!!!! I love long hair but majority of people really don't care all that much. So to say you are happy that "friends" as you put them cut and makes you feel better is a character flaw on your part and I wouldn't want a friend that took joy in "one uping me"

WaitingSoLong
December 30th, 2010, 01:40 PM
[quote=christine1989;1404006]I'm totally guilty of this too. Whenever someone I know chops off their long hair I secretly think "one down!". At this point I'm glad to say my hair is longer than most all of my friends and family. quote]

Ditto for me. This is what mainly keeps me from cutting my hair back to about waist length. I have had some people tell me "I wish I hadn't cut my hair then it would be as long as yours". I feel bad, then, and want to hide my hair. I know if I ever cut my hair there would be more than a few people going "yes! one down!" Longer hair has recently come back into style in our area and most younger womenb or girls has BSl or longer hair around here. I feel like I have an edge, something they will never catch up to and hate to lose it.

However I also think "how stupid, how petty" and wish I did not care like I do. Now if I really wanted to start self-psychoanalyzing, I would tell you that I have always been socially unaccepted because I am shy and have an eccentric personality and my hair is the only thing that I ever get complimented on and so I take that and run with it (like I just did with that run-on sentence lol).

I think most people long to be accepted in one way or another and when we find our niche we like to keep it.

Fact is, I would dislike it if other people were thinking about me what I am thinking about them "she would look better with longer hair or shorter hair or whatever hair" or thinner or fatter or in different clothes and I hate that I think it and I chastise myself but being honest, I confess to feeling this way. I have considered chopping my hair just to "cure" me of this but I am too chicken and I admit I still like the compliments. I have written other posts on being known for my hair and not actually who I am and whether I was really happy about that.

Fact is, I think I think TOO MUCH about hair and societies curse is attaching value to appearance. So, I feel the same as the OP does it make me a bad person? Well, yes, it kind of does. SIGH.

Anywhere
December 30th, 2010, 01:58 PM
I feel like this sometimes as well. However, when a fellow long haired friend said she was thinking of chopping it to chin, I told her not to. (she has VERY thick, straight hair, I feel it wouldn't look good all blunt and near her round face :shrug: and I like playing with her hair since she has 3x the thickness of my hair. :o )

I'm working on getting over it though. I'm an insecure teenager, oh well.

30isthenewblack
December 30th, 2010, 02:26 PM
I don't think it makes you a bad person to feel a little competitive. You're not hurting anyone.

Yes but the OP is hurting herself by having these toxic feelings. No doubt this competiveness transcends to other areas of her life.

I come from a different perspective on this board. I like hair at all different lengths and I don't think long hair necessarily suits everyone on this board.

However, I'm a big believer in doing whatever makes YOU happy. You set your own benchmarks for your happiness. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

lapushka
December 30th, 2010, 02:40 PM
I just want to say, I think it's pretty amazing that you started a thread on this, that you were willing to open yourself up so much to everyone here. It's not nice to admit these things about oneself, but think of it this way and maybe it'll help make you feel better. How many women don't feel guilty, don't feel bad, and don't think twice about feelings like these. How many actually act on these feelings and hurt people? It *is* nice that you can honestly share and talk about these feelings. :flower:


I rather like Romans 12:15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

That's beautiful!

jaine
December 30th, 2010, 02:58 PM
I think it's 110&#37; harmless ... the woman with the short haircut is probably thrilled with her hair for reasons of her own, and you're thrilled for reasons of your own, so there's no conflict. I remember cutting my hair short in the past and feeling so happy and liberated and I felt like it exposed new and interesting aspects of my personality... I loved it.

It's not Schadenfreude - by definitely that would mean the other person is experiencing misfortune ... trust me from a former shortie, she's probably loving her new haircut and feeling like a million bucks. :D

Arya
December 30th, 2010, 03:50 PM
O.O I am not sure if this is sarcasm but your post reads as a bit shocking to me...

I really hope us women can try to come together and support each other. Not tear each other down.

Oh, I'm very supportive of other women, and I would never take pleasure in someone else looking bad....except her. I'm always really, genuninely happy when friends make positive changes in their lives.

It's just this one person, she's the one person I've ever met that I absolutely have no respect for. She got most of the girls from my grade school to start partying with older boys, which unfortunately resulted in major and chronic drug addiction problems for several of them. She's fake, and tries to reinvent herself every year or two. She uses her reinventions as an excuse why everyone should forgive her for all the terrible things she's done to people 'because she's changed'. She's just a bad person, so yeah, I admit, I do enjoy it when I hear she's doing poorly. I've never met someone as bad to the core as she is, and I generally have faith in most people. Again, I'd never take pleasure in other people's misfortune...well...I guess if Sarah Palin came down with an unfortunate case of ebola I'd have a laugh. Oh well, maybe I am a bad person...but at least I admit it! :eek:

McFearless
December 30th, 2010, 04:37 PM
I really hope us women can try to come together and support each other. Not tear each other down.

I agree:) I'm so sick of women doing this, secretly manipulating their friends to one-up them.

HairFaerie
December 30th, 2010, 04:47 PM
I don't equate hair with superiority.

The only thing I don't like to see in other women is (for example), a woman that I don't know is sitting there flinging her long hair around, etc., acting like she is better than everyone because she has long hair. To me, the long hair certainly doesn't make her better than anyone and her attitude makes her even worse...

As far as convincing someone to do something just so after they do it I would have "one-up"....can't say I have ever done that. If someone has done it to me, then it was in vain because I simply don't give a flying @#&#37;*! Which I think pi$$es people off even more.

OrangeStripe
December 30th, 2010, 06:03 PM
I do feel good about having the longest hair among my friends- looks-wise I don't stand out at all, so long hair is my main beauty. It's not something I obsess over though. The thing that annoys me is when everybody keeps saying " oh, my hair used to be waaaay longer than yours" when their hair is really short. I just feel like saying- "well it isn't now!"

Ravenwaves 88
December 30th, 2010, 07:57 PM
[quote=christine1989;1404006]I'm totally guilty of this too. Whenever someone I know chops off their long hair I secretly think "one down!". At this point I'm glad to say my hair is longer than most all of my friends and family. quote]

Ditto for me. This is what mainly keeps me from cutting my hair back to about waist length. I have had some people tell me "I wish I hadn't cut my hair then it would be as long as yours". I feel bad, then, and want to hide my hair. I know if I ever cut my hair there would be more than a few people going "yes! one down!" Longer hair has recently come back into style in our area and most younger womenb or girls has BSl or longer hair around here. I feel like I have an edge, something they will never catch up to and hate to lose it.

However I also think "how stupid, how petty" and wish I did not care like I do. Now if I really wanted to start self-psychoanalyzing, I would tell you that I have always been socially unaccepted because I am shy and have an eccentric personality and my hair is the only thing that I ever get complimented on and so I take that and run with it (like I just did with that run-on sentence lol).

I think most people long to be accepted in one way or another and when we find our niche we like to keep it.

Fact is, I would dislike it if other people were thinking about me what I am thinking about them "she would look better with longer hair or shorter hair or whatever hair" or thinner or fatter or in different clothes and I hate that I think it and I chastise myself but being honest, I confess to feeling this way. I have considered chopping my hair just to "cure" me of this but I am too chicken and I admit I still like the compliments. I have written other posts on being known for my hair and not actually who I am and whether I was really happy about that.

Fact is, I think I think TOO MUCH about hair and societies curse is attaching value to appearance. So, I feel the same as the OP does it make me a bad person? Well, yes, it kind of does. SIGH.

Ditto

Sometimes I wish we had a like button like Facebook...lol

Also wanted to add that LIFE is a competition on a biological level so whether or not we add to that the sociological levels varies from person to person. It's not bad to have thoughts or feelings......it's when we act on them or verbalize....then it becomes something else completely.

None of that makes sense does it? :confused:

30isthenewblack
December 30th, 2010, 08:04 PM
[quote=WaitingSoLong;1405056]

Ditto

Sometimes I wish we had a like button like Facebook...lol

Also wanted to add that LIFE is a competition on a biological level so whether or not we add to that the sociological levels varies from person to person. It's not bad to have thoughts or feelings......it's when we act on them or verbalize....then it becomes something else completely.

None of that makes sense does it? :confused:

I don't compete with other people. I think it's a cop out to say that this is human nature. Ok, it's great that people can admit they feel this way but it's the new year and also time to start doing something about it.

bahoban
December 30th, 2010, 08:38 PM
I'm guilty too,, I enjoy that my friends don't have long hair like mine... hahahah I'm evil !!

ibleedlipstick
December 30th, 2010, 08:49 PM
I generally tend to try to emulate people who have "better" hair than mine — not necessarily longer/shorter, but healthier, softer, more shine, a better coloring system (I dye my hair, and am always looking for a dye that will do less damage while still delivering permanent results) or something of the like. I'm the worst person for asking people what conditioner they use, what they do to make their hair look like X, etc.

I try to avoid copying them, but I try to learn from them.

McFearless
December 30th, 2010, 08:57 PM
I generally tend to try to emulate people who have "better" hair than mine — not necessarily longer/shorter, but healthier, softer, more shine, a better coloring system (I dye my hair, and am always looking for a dye that will do less damage while still delivering permanent results) or something of the like. I'm the worst person for asking people what conditioner they use, what they do to make their hair look like X, etc.

I try to avoid copying them, but I try to learn from them.


I'm the same way. I'm always asking people what products they use and trying to improve my routine.

Juneii
December 30th, 2010, 08:57 PM
I think some of us might be taking this a little bit too seriously, x0h_bother didn't say anything about making her friends feel bad. It wasn't as if she was encouraging them to cut their hair, it's more like "tee hee! I think my hair looks better than yours!". Which is just her own opinion and boosts her self-esteem.

I am guilty of this too, my hair is the best part of me (in my opinion) and I feel a bit jealous when I see one of my friends with shinier and prettier hair. I don't want them to be ugly, I just want to have something different from them (and they have something different from me). Gah! I am getting all tangled and confused in my moral values. ETA: just so I won't get bashed if someone misunderstands; it's not a lingering feeling of jealousy. I get over it.

Bottom line: It's okay to feel good about yourself when comparing to others - as long as you are not projecting a negative feeling towards them or trying to "take them down".

prosperina
December 30th, 2010, 09:00 PM
I just want to say, I think it's pretty amazing that you started a thread on this, that you were willing to open yourself up so much to everyone here. It's not nice to admit these things about oneself, but think of it this way and maybe it'll help make you feel better. How many women don't feel guilty, don't feel bad, and don't think twice about feelings like these. How many actually act on these feelings and hurt people? It *is* nice that you can honestly share and talk about these feelings. :flower:




Well said! :)


I think it's 110&#37; harmless ... the woman with the short haircut is probably thrilled with her hair for reasons of her own, and you're thrilled for reasons of your own, so there's no conflict. I remember cutting my hair short in the past and feeling so happy and liberated and I felt like it exposed new and interesting aspects of my personality... I loved it.

It's not Schadenfreude - by definitely that would mean the other person is experiencing misfortune ... trust me from a former shortie, she's probably loving her new haircut and feeling like a million bucks. :D

Another good one! Feelings are not actions and therefore they are out of the realm of moral/immoral decisons. Indeed, I love these threads, they're like confessions. I agree that it's far better to do as the quote from Romans says, but sometimes we all get our little dark feelings. Telling yourself you never feel jealous or competitive is worse than admitting to feeling these things!


I don't equate hair with superiority.

The only thing I don't like to see in other women is (for example), a woman that I don't know is sitting there flinging her long hair around, etc., acting like she is better than everyone because she has long hair. To me, the long hair certainly doesn't make her better than anyone and her attitude makes her even worse...

/snip

Replying to bolded part: If it's a woman that you don't know how do you know she's acting like she's better than everyone? Maybe she's just self-confident and enjoying her hair? For all you know the other people she's with are completely unaffected by her hair. I've had my hair down sometimes and I do fling it around a bit, but mostly because I'm so unaccustomed to having it down and it's getting in my way.

Sometimes though, I just fling my hair around, :D and if you saw me, it would be unfair of you to assume that I thought I was better than others just because I was doing this.

30isthenewblack
December 30th, 2010, 09:16 PM
I think some of us might be taking this a little bit too seriously, x0h_bother didn't say anything about making her friends feel bad. It wasn't as if she was encouraging them to cut their hair, it's more like "tee hee! I think my hair looks better than yours!". Which is just her own opinion and boosts her self-esteem.

I am guilty of this too, my hair is the best part of me (in my opinion) and I feel a bit jealous when I see one of my friends with shinier and prettier hair. I don't want them to be ugly, I just want to have something different from them (and they have something different from me). Gah! I am getting all tangled and confused in my moral values. ETA: just so I won't get bashed if someone misunderstands; it's not a lingering feeling of jealousy. I get over it.

Bottom line: It's okay to feel good about yourself when comparing to others - as long as you are not projecting a negative feeling towards them or trying to "take them down".

Women competing with each other is a serious issue in society in my opinion and to boost your self esteem at the expense of others is quite sad. Anyway, given the length of time I've spent on this forum already, I think this is actually the minority opinion and most people are quite supportive and encouraging of each other's hair growth.

Musterion
December 30th, 2010, 09:22 PM
Wow, that's.. pathetic. Why would people be so petty as to encourage others to cut, or not grow, their hair just so that they can feel that little bit superior, or have 'one up' on them? It's not a competition! You don't have to be the only one with the wonderful long hair. Why not encourage these people to to grow, and then help them out with tips and such, create a bond with them and help them maintain a lovely, healthy mane? If enough people did that, more people would have healthy heads and be closer to eachother for the support shared whilst growing it. :D

Sisko
December 30th, 2010, 09:31 PM
^,^^ Well said above!

This is a serious issue which shouldn't be brushed off as 'normal'. Many things are normal in society, but that does not make them desirable or acceptable. These feelings aren't just feelings (not that feelings are ever just feelings); they have a substantial effect on interaction with others.

ETA: OP, I don't mean to be so harsh, it simply irks me that so many wo/men try to play mind games with each other. We should be good to each other, and that often begins with genuine feelings. You mention that you are experiencing guilt, so these feelings must be toxic to you as well. If you must compete, why not aspire to be better than you are, independent of others?

kiwiipop
December 30th, 2010, 10:42 PM
I think it was truly brave to share that feeling, OP. :) However, I do agree with others that it may be something you want to work on. Friendly competition can be fun and healthy between friends! Like another poster said, her and a friend were having a growing "race" and were having fun with it and encouraging one another. But you appear to be getting pleasure from what you perceive as their misfortune (in this case, unfortunate haircut) and that's just too bad. :( I'd sure be sad if I found out a friend thought of me that way, wouldn't you feel the same?

Unofficial_Rose
December 30th, 2010, 10:51 PM
There are a lot of 'holier than thou' comments on this thread.

My goodness me, I've never seen so many people get on their high horse in one place. :(

Juneii
December 30th, 2010, 11:03 PM
Women competing with each other is a serious issue in society in my opinion and to boost your self esteem at the expense of others is quite sad. Anyway, given the length of time I've spent on this forum already, I think this is actually the minority opinion and most people are quite supportive and encouraging of each other's hair growth.

When you put it that way I see your point. I was thinking more along the lines of "I like this about myself (and not many others have that too, bonus)." I didn't think that was such a bad thing..

Just as a separate thought, I think LHC is the minority. Many of the people I have encountered are rather bitter and very competitive/jealous. Maybe I'm just too young.

Amraann
December 30th, 2010, 11:30 PM
WOW! A lot could be said here.

I would feel good in any situation if someone who was evil or mean (vile or a felon) got what came to them. Their hair would be the least of the issue. (good is not the correct word, justice is)

I would probably be sad if someone with long pretty hair cut it. But, eventually I would be happy if they were, and certainly not dwell on the notion. I just do not think of others hair that often... unless it pertains to how I can treat mine as well or if they asked for advice.
Sometimes I see people with not-so-good hair and I just feel bad for them.

It is nice to hear a hair compliment. But I do not need to see someone cut off their hair to feel good about my own.

x0h_bother
December 30th, 2010, 11:56 PM
There are a lot of 'holier than thou' comments on this thread.

My goodness me, I've never seen so many people get on their high horse in one place. :(
I agree. I've been "accused" of a lot here of ideas or opinions that I have never had in my original post or reply. But, I'm not going to make a big deal about it because it's true that some people have those opinions or ideas and maybe it's good for other people to get the feedback on them.
I know that I struggle with being judgemental, as I said in my original post, especially by my own standards, and so it's something that I strive to work on. I think recognizing my "biases" helps me.
There will always be someone with longer hair, shorter hair, someone thinner, or fatter, whatever it may be. Gloating is not the answer! :o

ibleedlipstick
December 31st, 2010, 12:16 AM
I agree. I've been "accused" of a lot here of ideas or opinions that I have never had in my original post or reply. But, I'm not going to make a big deal about it because it's true that some people have those opinions or ideas and maybe it's good for other people to get the feedback on them.
I know that I struggle with being judgemental, as I said in my original post, especially by my own standards, and so it's something that I strive to work on. I think recognizing my "biases" helps me.
There will always be someone with longer hair, shorter hair, someone thinner, or fatter, whatever it may be. Gloating is not the answer! :o

I hope my response didn't seem judgmental! I definitely tend have feelings like that on occasion, although more so with weight than with hair. (A close "friend" of mine lost about 50lbs, and then started giving me clothing that was literally 3 sizes too big for me for my birthday/Christmas when we exchange gifts, and generally calling me fat. Although we weigh within 10lbs of each other, have totally different body types, and I am an inch and a half taller, it hurt my feelings, because I used to be pretty heavy.

She isn't going to the gym as much anymore, and is gaining some back, and I can't help but feel like she is getting what she gave. I'm trying not to gloat, but my god, she was so cruel for so long.)

I completely understand what you are feeling here, my sensitive spot is just in a different area.

I don't like the bashing that has occurred on this thread, and I hope to not be a part of it.

McFearless
December 31st, 2010, 12:19 AM
I agree. I've been "accused" of a lot here of ideas or opinions that I have never had in my original post or reply. But, I'm not going to make a big deal about it because it's true that some people have those opinions or ideas and maybe it's good for other people to get the feedback on them.
I know that I struggle with being judgemental, as I said in my original post, especially by my own standards, and so it's something that I strive to work on. I think recognizing my "biases" helps me.
There will always be someone with longer hair, shorter hair, someone thinner, or fatter, whatever it may be. Gloating is not the answer! :o

I don't think all the replies were in reponse to you or accusing you of anything, but more discussing the idea of competition among women.

Uni&Corn
December 31st, 2010, 12:23 AM
I'm definitely also guilty of this and have wondered for a while if I was the only one. Glad that I'm not, but I still feel like a bad person :(

Arya
December 31st, 2010, 12:25 AM
Hey other bad people! Join me in feeling both superior AND in awe of this long 'do!

http://poorlydressed.failblog.org/2010/12/16/fashion-fail-one-heck-of-a-shemullet/

Fufu
December 31st, 2010, 01:20 AM
I don think much if my friends have short or long hair. As long as they are happy with their hair length, I'm happy for them.

I've a buddy, she has beautiful long hair for years, about 5 to 6 years. After that she sort of grown bored with her long hair and she chop her hair off to slightly below her ear. She looked great with her new hairstyle and never once she regretted it. She had been longing to have a short hairstyle but worry on the bad hair cut and the years take will took to regrow them.

For the next 3-4 years, she wore her hair short and all her friends, including me loved her hair both short and long.

Recently, she told me she wanted to grow her hair long again and now her hair is roughly at collar bone area.

ravenreed
December 31st, 2010, 03:15 AM
In the grand scheme of things, feeling superior to your friends because of hair (or anything else), or silently rejoicing in their misfortunes doesn't make you a bad person. However, what we think affects how we act, even if we aren't aware of it.

In addition, I guess what I would really want to focus on for myself is how to make me feel better about me, so that my self-esteem isn't based on an external and rather negative foundation. What happens when everyone looks better than you and their lives are going great? Does that mean you do not have value?

LissaJane
December 31st, 2010, 03:49 AM
I am secretly in wait until the day my sister cuts her hair. Mine was longer than hers before I damaged the heck outta it and had to have a massive trim.
Both my sisters used to comment on how much longer my hair was than theirs and now mine is second longest. I want to be longest again!
Haha, I know it's only a matter of time because I am learning how to take better care of mine (not entirely selfishly because I offer them advice whenever I can), but I'll be happy to be longest again when she does have a trim or a cut :p

lapushka
December 31st, 2010, 07:41 AM
Now it's getting a little odd. Of course a thread like this was going to provoke these kinds of responses. Thinking of people who are supposed to be friends in this way is just not okay however you phrase it.

And now suddenly, people are on their high horse and all of us are accusing you of things you didn't mean to say? I'm confused :confused: There goes addressing the behavior. :(

Honestly? Feelings like these don't make you a bad person, just shallow, especially if you act on these feelings. It is what it is. The question is whether or not you let it rule your life, and whether or not you actually hurt people because of it. If all of this gets so much upper hand that you actually occupy plenty of your own precious time on thoughts of this nature, it's bad. Otherwise just shallow.

WaitingSoLong
December 31st, 2010, 09:03 AM
Just as a separate thought, I think LHC is the minority. Many of the people I have encountered are rather bitter and very competitive/jealous. Maybe I'm just too young.

No, it is true. I think the virtue of truly not comparing yourself with others has to be learned and effort made. Of course there are always exceptions, but I think women especially can be very cruel and competitive about appearance, even if it is kept to themselves.

I want to agree with the person who refuted the OP as having the shadenfreud (sp) because she was not happy about any misfortune, her shorter haired friend was perfectly happy with her hair. I think that has been stated, but it seems some people are still trying to tag her with being happy at other people's loss.

Being shallow is a good way to put it ( I will raise my own hand and confess to this myself) and I think that rare is the person who never compares herself with another and either envies or feels superior in some way. We may never act on it, or vocalize it, but it has been vocalized here and I think the ability to admit stuff like this is also somewhat rare, because of the risk of judgmental comments.

People may like my hair or compliment it but that doesn't mean they want it or feel insecure because of it and if they did, well that is their own issue, just like my envy or whatever of others is MY issue. Denying I feel superiority or envy from time to time and pretending to be better than I am is not healthy either. I call it being fake and frankly I am sick to death of fake people. Kudos to those who really never do this.

I love all styles, I think most people do (I have tried them all believe me), but I also think we struggle with liking ourselves where we are, both the things we can and cannot change. Hair is one of the few things we can change about our appearance and so likely to get competitive at times, even if only within ourselves.

I think a lot of people would agree that our value is not external. "Inner beauty" is often poo-poohed as a cop out for physically insecure people but I also will not pretend I am blind. I think the physical is beautifulin all its facades and differences are to be celebrated. But brutal honesty with ourselves about how we really feel can be healing. I know when I was going through infertility I was super envious of any pregnant woman, to the point I avoided them and started finding ways to degrade them in my head. I admitted this to my close friend and all in all I worked through it and while I never did overcome my infertility, I now see other pregnant women in the healthy and "right" way. I am sure it was some protective measure for my own heart.

All in all, the envy or whatever is there because we feel insecure about something and we need to decide why we fell insecure and why we have placed such a value on something physical when our rationale tells us that worth is not external.

I also think that this thread could be really ugly and I don't think it is and I LOVE reading all the different perspectives and opinions and I love LHC for being a place like this.

Unofficial_Rose
December 31st, 2010, 11:09 AM
Now it's getting a little odd. Of course a thread like this was going to provoke these kinds of responses. Thinking of people who are supposed to be friends in this way is just not okay however you phrase it.

And now suddenly, people are on their high horse and all of us are accusing you of things you didn't mean to say? I'm confused :confused: There goes addressing the behavior. :(

Honestly? Feelings like these don't make you a bad person, just shallow, especially if you act on these feelings. It is what it is. The question is whether or not you let it rule your life, and whether or not you actually hurt people because of it. If all of this gets so much upper hand that you actually occupy plenty of your own precious time on thoughts of this nature, it's bad. Otherwise just shallow.

Yeah, you're right, it's bad to be shallow. Humorlessness is fine, though. :rolleyes:

angelthadiva
December 31st, 2010, 11:38 AM
I wish I could find what I am looking for, but a few years ago I saw this show that was interviewing an author (It may have been Oprah) :shrug: but basically the thought was about embracing sisterhood (I've tried to find the reference, but can't)...This didn't have to do with ethnicity, but rather womanhood. Viewing each other as sisters in the struggle of life...Rather than tearing each other down, we build each other up. Tearing down could be with our words, could be with our attitude or interactions with people. Tearing down could be stacking your deck against the next sister and being happy that hers doesn't measure up to these "defined by you" success markers.

Jealousy is not a new thing--Is has been since the time of Cain and Able. Each of us has some talent or "something" that would outshine the next person :shrug:--That doesn't necessarily make us better...It might make us better concerning that one thing, but not overall...To give another woman a compliment or acknowledge something positive toward her doesn't take anything away from me as a person. I know who I am and am secure in that...To get joy from someone who makes a change that may not be a good one (in our opinion) and this joy actually boots our self-esteem; while insightful, isn't very attractive. And goes beyond friendly competition.

Catia
December 31st, 2010, 12:32 PM
I don't equate hair with superiority.

The only thing I don't like to see in other women is (for example), a woman that I don't know is sitting there flinging her long hair around, etc., acting like she is better than everyone because she has long hair. To me, the long hair certainly doesn't make her better than anyone and her attitude makes her even worse...


Long hair flings, flies, blows around, and frequently will smack people standing too close. It's not a superiority complex - it's the nature of the beast. :whip:

Bonkers57
December 31st, 2010, 01:27 PM
With you all the way, lapushka, on all counts! (especially about controlling one's behavior) :thumbsup: I never got it, either. I guess I slept through that class in 'girl' school... :D

THAT said, I'll admit I have thoughts like the OP describes, whether it's regarding hair, weight, relationships or whatever. After looking into my own head many, many times over the years, almost immediately another part of me asks, "Now where the hell did that come from?"


I don't do this either. Women who do compete can be so damn petty. If there's one thing I hate it's petty, bitchy behavior. The stuff they compete over is often so damn insignificant it's almost laughable. Yeah, so your shoes are this or that brand and *so* expensive. Mine are from a discount store. Big deal. What's your point? I really don't give a damn. And yes, the fact that you don't give a damn makes them angry, because you don't seem to get it, apparently. :roll: Women like that give you the feeling they're out to get you and that they will hurt you for their own enjoyment the first chance they get. Petty, silly, bitchy stuff.

I find it hard to be around women who are competitive, which is -I think- the reason I never had many close friends. You just don't allow people like that into your life. And so many women are competitive. I find it's a lot easier to talk to men.

To the OP: I do admire you for your honesty. But what's this all about, really? Hair. I mean... It's only hair. So what if your friends' hair got chopped. They don't even care. I mean, come on! It's nothing you'll hurt them with or affect them by (which is a good thing). The fact that you feel guilty about it might be a starting point in addressing the behavior. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior, what you say to them. Please don't be mean.

HairFaerie
December 31st, 2010, 01:41 PM
Long hair flings, flies, blows around, and frequently will smack people standing too close. It's not a superiority complex - it's the nature of the beast. :whip:

I completely understand that. I am talking about when a person does it on purpose and also carries the attitude "Look at me! I have long hair and I am soooooo much better than you".

Short hair - wonderful
Long hair - wonderful
A woman with long hair who thinks she's better just because she has long hair - not so wonderful
A woman with short hair who thinks she's better just because she has (insert nouns like money, big boobs, a new car, etc) - not so wonderful either

Superiority complexes are a personality trait. If a woman is using her hair to think she is superior, that's why I don't like. I understand long hair moves around. Of course it does. It's the attitude behind it that makes it a superiority complex.

ravenreed
December 31st, 2010, 02:21 PM
I think we all get errant thoughts that surprise us. I have had some not too pleasant ones in my life, but I recognize them for what they are- out of character. It is the overall attitude that I find worrying. My self worth is the same no matter what or who I am stacked against. I have done the best with the tools life gave me and I am confident with that. My life isn't great. I don't have a huge house or a fancy car. It is a good life though, and more importantly to me, I am surrounded by loving and supportive people who make my life far richer than any amount of dollars can.

I am a 41 year old, overweight woman who will never look like I did when I was 18. I am okay with that. I try to look the best I can without buying into this societal message that my self worth is tied into my looks or how much money I have to spend on clothing or surgery or anything else.

I do my best to treat the people around me with dignity and respect, especially the people I love and care about, and that really is perhaps why I find the idea of undermining a friend, even subconsciously, so distressing.



With you all the way, lapushka, on all counts! (especially about controlling one's behavior) :thumbsup: I never got it, either. I guess I slept through that class in 'girl' school... :D

THAT said, I'll admit I have thoughts like the OP describes, whether it's regarding hair, weight, relationships or whatever. After looking into my own head many, many times over the years, almost immediately another part of me asks, "Now where the hell did that come from?"

Bonkers57
December 31st, 2010, 04:35 PM
I think a 'superiority' complex is actually deep-rooted insecurities.


... snipped for brevity...
Superiority complexes are a personality trait. If a woman is using her hair to think she is superior, that's why I don't like. I understand long hair moves around. Of course it does. It's the attitude behind it that makes it a superiority complex.

longlockenvy
December 31st, 2010, 05:15 PM
I'm guilty as well. I secretly look up old friends on facebook and see if they cut their long hair. I do the same at work. I always notice when people get a hair cut, and I can't wait to for my hair to be as long as theirs and now I'm so much closer! teehee There is a girl at work that refuses to cut her hair, it's about a couple inches shorter than mine, and every time I walk past her I see her look at my hair. So, I know I'm not the only one like this! lol :eyebrows:

lapushka
January 1st, 2011, 07:21 AM
Yeah, you're right, it's bad to be shallow. Humorlessness is fine, though. :rolleyes:

:lol: There, I'm laughing. ;)

Anyway, there's no need to get personal. :(

kschr2004
January 1st, 2011, 09:20 AM
This has been an interesting thread to read. I guess I have the opposite viewpoint to the OP. I actually do admire other women with long hair. But I also think some short cuts look amazing. And some women look amazing when they cut their long hair shorter!

In fact, the longer my hair gets the less I think that it looks good, because it has a lot less body, and I think that makes my face look fatter. And who knows, maybe someone else is thinking this about me too, for all I know!

Also, as someone who was once told by a guy friend that I looked a lot older with a boy cut than with long hair, I know how hurtful it can be when others say bad things about your hair. And even if they don't say anything, it can sometimes show in their actions anyway.

Superfine
January 1st, 2011, 09:48 AM
I don't really feel "ha, ha" toward long hairs who cut, but every one looked better with long hair, IMHO. One was not a friend but someone I saw in a restaurant sometimes. She had beautiful tailbone light brown hair. It was truly her best feature. Made her look like a masters painting. I was astounded when she cut to shoulder. She lost her magic & looked so ordinary. The hair didn't even look pretty anymore. The same with a neighbor I hadn't seen in a long time since her hair was very short. Next time I saw her it was waist! Then a few months later it was chin! Wow. It takes so long to grow, why would they chop it off? Actually I miss admiring it. P.S. I do feel some sense of power as my hair grows longer. OK I hope.

Superfine
January 1st, 2011, 09:52 AM
I probably should not have said "power" because it's not a superior feeling. It is more that I have control of myself and patience (to wait for it to grow).

Nyghtingale
January 1st, 2011, 10:22 AM
I don't think you are a bad person, just a bad "friend". It's good you can be honest with yourself, but don't ask for opinions and then get defensive when you get answers you don't agree with.

x0h_bother
January 2nd, 2011, 02:52 PM
To respond to the comment above, here are the things I am responding to about myself; they may apply to others.

At least you are aware of being competitive with other women

I don't think this makes you a bad person but I do think you need to address why you compete with your friends and over something as insignificant as the length of your hair. It shows insecurity. You should never compare yourself favourably or unfavourably with other people.
I don't compete with my friends over hair nor do I feel insecure...

Its normal to want to have the longest hair in the room
I don't want the longest hair in the room...

I would never dream of being friends with someone who was less successful than I was just to make myself feel superior...Or be friends with someone who was less attractive than I was so I felt prettier.
I am not friends with people less pretty or successful nor do this to make myself superior...

Oh I'm the total opposite since deciding to grow my hair long. I'm constantly trying to encourage people to grow their hair long!
Not that I wouldn't encourage, they just don;t want to grow theirs long...

I agree that you have been very honest x0h_bother but it would be good if you could also address that behaviour. It's a stereotype but unfortunately women (not all of course) when they see someone they perceive to be better, try and bring them down to their level whereas men have a tendancy to try and emulate other men they admire and rise to their level.
I'm not "trying to bring them down when I perceive them to be better..."

Good luck, i admire your honesty but i do think its kinda childish thinking.
I don't have childish thoughts

Well, depends on how long you want to grow but if the goal is "longer than just about anybody I know" ... If you are actively encouraging others to cut, okay, I agree, you have a problem. I guess it is all about mindset. Are you glad that you are growing longer or specifically glad that you are growing longer than THEM? That is the question.
I don’t want my hair longer than anyone I know, nor do I encourage others to cut, nor am I glad I am growing longer than them

To the OP: I do admire you for your honesty. But what's this all about, really? Hair. I mean... It's only hair. So what if your friends' hair got chopped. They don't even care. I mean, come on! It's nothing you'll hurt them with or affect them by (which is a good thing). The fact that you feel guilty about it might be a starting point in addressing the behavior. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior, what you say to them. Please don't be mean.
My friends DO care about their hair, and I don’t hurt them with my thoughts nor do I act mean.

I have to admit that if someone who had been mean or bitchy towards me did something unflattering to themselves inc. a bad haircut, I might be a little bit pleased. But I'd keep quiet about it...
I do keep quiet about my thoughts on their hair…

So to say you are happy that "friends" as you put them cut and makes you feel better is a character flaw on your part and I wouldn't want a friend that took joy in "one uping me"
It doesn’t make me feel happy or better that they cut, I don’t like their hair cuts..

Yes but the OP is hurting herself by having these toxic feelings. No doubt this competiveness transcends to other areas of her life.
I’m not hurting myself with toxic feelings. It’s interesting how you can make assumptions about my life without knowing me

I agree I'm so sick of women doing this, secretly manipulating their friends to one-up them.
I don’t manipulate my friends so I can one up them…

As far as convincing someone to do something just so after they do it I would have "one-up"....can't say I have ever done that. If someone has done it to me, then it was in vain because I simply don't give a flying @#&#37;*! Which I think pi$$es people off even more.
Again, I never convinced anyone to do something so I could one up them…


Ok, it's great that people can admit they feel this way but it's the new year and also time to start doing something about it.
Admitting something is doing something about it

Wow, that's.. pathetic. Why would people be so petty as to encourage others to cut, or not grow, their hair just so that they can feel that little bit superior, or have 'one up' on them?
Again, never did this.

ETA: OP, I don't mean to be so harsh, it simply irks me that so many wo/men try to play mind games with each other. We should be good to each other, and that often begins with genuine feelings. You mention that you are experiencing guilt, so these feelings must be toxic to you as well. If you must compete, why not aspire to be better than you are, independent of others?
I’m not playing mind games, I am good to my friends, and I do aspire to be better than I am…

Honestly? Feelings like these don't make you a bad person, just shallow, especially if you act on these feelings. It is what it is. The question is whether or not you let it rule your life, and whether or not you actually hurt people because of it. If all of this gets so much upper hand that you actually occupy plenty of your own precious time on thoughts of this nature, it's bad. Otherwise just shallow.
I’m not a shallow person, this does not “rule” my life, and I do not hurt people because of it.

Rocket22
January 2nd, 2011, 03:16 PM
To respond to the comment above, here are the things I am responding to about myself; they may apply to others.


I don't compete with my friends over hair nor do I feel insecure...

I don't want the longest hair in the room...

I am not friends with people less pretty or successful nor do this to make myself superior...

Not that I wouldn't encourage, they just don;t want to grow theirs long...

I'm not "trying to bring them down when I perceive them to be better..."

I don't have childish thoughts

I don’t want my hair longer than anyone I know, nor do I encourage others to cut, nor am I glad I am growing longer than them

My friends DO care about their hair, and I don’t hurt them with my thoughts nor do I act mean.

I do keep quiet about my thoughts on their hair…

It doesn’t make me feel happy or better that they cut, I don’t like their hair cuts..

I’m not hurting myself with toxic feelings. It’s interesting how you can make assumptions about my life without knowing me

I don’t manipulate my friends so I can one up them…

Again, I never convinced anyone to do something so I could one up them…

Admitting something is doing something about it

Again, never did this.

I’m not playing mind games, I am good to my friends, and I do aspire to be better than I am…

I’m not a shallow person, this does not “rule” my life, and I do not hurt people because of it.




Humm interesting because I was just quoting YOU that you said you were "Happy" from original post

I don't care if you are happy sad or whatever but bottom line not everyone likes long hair and thinks it looks the best.. But you do and somehow that makes you feel, as you put it, "happy" when your friends cut.. well ok you feel happy that you in your mind think you look better than your friends, ok good for you but again is this really healthy? I love all my friends we all have completely different great qualities that make us all beautiful in our own way (and trust me I'm as hair obsessed as they come) I don't understand wanting your friends to looks ugly in your eyes and that making you happy (your words not mine)

btw I don't think you are a "bad person" but maybe kinda young and I do understand wanting to be the prettiest person . I think we all want that but beauty comes in many more forms then just long hair, beautiful hair is just a bonus.

30isthenewblack
January 2nd, 2011, 06:20 PM
...but I secretly take enjoyment in people I know who cut their hair short. Even my good friends! For example, my friend had awesome hair for her wedding, probably BSL+, her natural blonde with some highlights. Shortly after the wedding, she chopped and dyed to chin. I was happy about this because I thought she looked so much better before! And then a friend who is a hair stylist has been talking to me encouraging me to use certain shampoos for shedding and knows I have been growing mine and she has been growing hers. I walked in today and she chopped to chin! I know she probably donated now that I think about it, but I still was very happy. I'm NOT saying chin length is not beautiful, I know tons of people who can pull off the proverbial "mommy" haircut and look great, but I just love long hair and truely think my friends looked better pre-chop. But I feel really guilty about feeling like I have "one up" on them just because I have longer hair.


I don't think people assumed anything about you and wrote posts based on your original post and not all posts were directed at you in particular. I don't think one person thinks you are a bad person and we are all imperfect in one way or another but I don't know what you were hoping to achieve by your post. Did you actually expect everyone to agree with you and validate you when you say that you're happy when your friends cut their hair and don't look as good?

excentricat
January 2nd, 2011, 08:06 PM
I am one of those that said she has happy feelings when people she knows cut their hair, and this thread has made me think a lot about that. I realized that the people I would feel happy about cutting are people that I feel general competitiveness with anyway, such as my sister, or a non-favorite co-worker. I have other friends who I would be sad if they cut their hair, and others who I would feel happy for (not at) for cutting (I know she'd only do it if she was going to be super excited about it.) Its not something I dwell on most of the time though, or even think about much. This thread not withstanding.

prosperina
January 2nd, 2011, 09:20 PM
I don't think people assumed anything about you and wrote posts based on your original post and not all posts were directed at you in particular. I don't think one person thinks you are a bad person and we are all imperfect in one way or another but I don't know what you were hoping to achieve by your post. Did you actually expect everyone to agree with you and validate you when you say that you're happy when your friends cut their hair and don't look as good?

I think it was meant as a confession. I think she was venting her discomfort with her own negative thoughts. And then she was met with a series of accusations and judgments. Discussions or complaints about women being mean to women, which make up the majority of the responses, are rather off topic. I do recall somewhere a quote about casting stones.... You know without sin, something like that?

As long as the OP is aware of her feelings she can prevent them from spoiling her interactions with her friends. Posting about them or discussing them with others is one way to get them off her chest. Passing thoughts of schendenfreude and jealousy are not at all uncommon, and the nicer and kinder we are the more these (often involuntary!) thoughts tend to shame us and worry us. At no point did I get the idea that the OP was like, "Yay! Look at me! I'm nasty! woohoo! Don't you approve of me??"

What I've noticed about people in real life is that those who are the first to claim moral purity can actually be the nastiest because they are such perfectionists that they refuse to (or cannot due to excessive hubris) acknowledge faults in themselves. I worked with a woman like that and anytime something came up that she did agree with, not to her liking, or something she viewed morally unsavory in some way she would be the first to say "I would NEVER do that" or "Who would do that??" or "How terrible!" Most unpleasant woman to be around ever. I'm sure I wasn't always wonderful, but she never did anything wrong and when disagreements came up at work, she argued dishonestly. My point? I think there's a connection between acknowledgement of faults, recognition of guilt and being a decent/better person. Should we parade our faults around, advertising them to all? Of course not, but a forum where mostly nobody knows you? Not a bad place to vent/confess. And if you can't share some of your darker thoughts, anonymously and on the internet, where can you share them these days???

30isthenewblack
January 2nd, 2011, 09:45 PM
I think it was meant as a confession. I think she was venting her discomfort with her own negative thoughts. And then she was met with a series of accusations and judgments. Discussions or complaints about women being mean to women, which make up the majority of the responses, are rather off topic. I do recall somewhere a quote about casting stones.... You know without sin, something like that?

As long as the OP is aware of her feelings she can prevent them from spoiling her interactions with her friends. Posting about them or discussing them with others is one way to get them off her chest. Passing thoughts of schendenfreude and jealousy are not at all uncommon, and the nicer and kinder we are the more these (often involuntary!) thoughts tend to shame us and worry us. At no point did I get the idea that the OP was like, "Yay! Look at me! I'm nasty! woohoo! Don't you approve of me??"

What I've noticed about people in real life is that those who are the first to claim moral purity can actually be the nastiest because they are such perfectionists that they refuse to (or cannot due to excessive hubris) acknowledge faults in themselves. I worked with a woman like that and anytime something came up that she did agree with, not to her liking, or something she viewed morally unsavory in some way she would be the first to say "I would NEVER do that" or "Who would do that??" or "How terrible!" Most unpleasant woman to be around ever. I'm sure I wasn't always wonderful, but she never did anything wrong and when disagreements came up at work, she argued dishonestly. My point? I think there's a connection between acknowledgement of faults, recognition of guilt and being a decent/better person. Should we parade our faults around, advertising them to all? Of course not, but a forum where mostly nobody knows you? Not a bad place to vent/confess. And if you can't share some of your darker thoughts, anonymously and on the internet, where can you share them these days???

I don't think this was people's chance to claim moral superiority over the OP. As I've said even in what you quoted, we are all imperfect. I cannot speak for everyone else but I am honestly saddened that people think this way. I came to this board because I had been trying to grow my hair for a long time and I wanted to learn more from people who had success in this area.

This is my policy in life to try and emulate people who I think are successful. As someone said previously whether you believe these thoughts to be common or uncommon, in my opinion, it's a very unhealthy way to be and perhaps through this thread, the OP will now start to think about that and maybe something good will come out of it :flowers:

prosperina
January 2nd, 2011, 10:18 PM
I don't think this was people's chance to claim moral superiority over the OP. As I've said even in what you quoted, we are all imperfect. I cannot speak for everyone else but I am honestly saddened that people think this way. I came to this board because I had been trying to grow my hair for a long time and I wanted to learn more from people who had success in this area.

This is my policy in life to try and emulate people who I think are successful. As someone said previously whether you believe these thoughts to be common or uncommon, in my opinion, it's a very unhealthy way to be and perhaps through this thread, the OP will now start to think about that and maybe something good will come out of it :flowers:

Given your response, I have the distinct impression you haven't read what I've written at all. I chose my words carefully and spent awhile on my response, and it's discouraging to not be understood. I think we've reached a philosophical impasse, and I shall not be participating further in this thread.

30isthenewblack
January 2nd, 2011, 10:28 PM
Given your response, I have the distinct impression you haven't read what I've written at all. I chose my words carefully and spent awhile on my response, and it's discouraging to not be understood. I think we've reached a philosophical impasse, and I shall not be participating further in this thread.

I wrote you a PM before reading this response. As I said in the PM, I think it's far better to respond to me personally than writing a post which has the potential to be misunderstood :flowers: I am not going to participate in this thread any longer either. I think I have made my point very clearly.

McFearless
January 3rd, 2011, 07:36 PM
I don't want the longest hair in the room...


I don’t manipulate my friends so I can one up them…




I didn't mean literally. I meant I think its normal to want to longest hair in the room, or being known for your height or being the blonde girl in the group, etc..having a unique feature. And I wasn't talking about you when I said women manipulate their friends to one up them. Don't be offended! This thread went off-topic

Maverick494
January 5th, 2011, 09:26 AM
Cool it down everyone.

Let's be honest here. Many people are insecure and many people secretly feel good when they have an advantage over someone else, be it in the looks department or something else. That's just how it goes. Ask people how intelligent they think they are and you'll find that the majority of them will say they think they're above average while this might not be the case at all.

Yes, there are still genuinely humble people out there who don't waste their time with petty thoughts like these, but their numbers are getting fewer and fewer, especially when it comes to young people in my age range. Instead their numbers are getting filled with the fake humble people, those who fish for compliments by putting themselves down. They are even worse, in my opinion.

With today's society, I do not find it surprising at all. Survival of the fittest these days is measured in achievements and looks and many people are in the race.

I want to applaud the OP for admitting this because few do. These days everyone wants to be seen as beautiful but noone wants to be thought of as arrogant/vain. Which means that instead of being honest and saying "hell yeah I think I'm pretty" people work around it and/or put themselves down. Which is better?

princessp
January 5th, 2011, 09:39 AM
I don't think this makes you a bad person but I do think you need to address why you compete with your friends and over something as insignificant as the length of your hair. It shows insecurity. You should never compare yourself favourably or unfavourably with other people.

I agree 100%!

Katurday
January 5th, 2011, 09:53 AM
This thread and the idea of schadenfreude makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't really care how honest it is - such behaviour is almost sociopathic to me. If one of my friends saw me as "competition" and wanted to 1up me, it wouldn't be a friendship for long. Maybe thats why I have so few female friends - that kind of catty thinking makes me flip out.

I have my share of flaws, but meddling in other people's lives and taking pleasure in their misfortune is not one of them. This is why vanity is such a great flaw of mine - I'm too busy caring about my own hair to enjoy the problems with other peoples. I don't think anyone here is a bad person necessarily, but its definetly something that in my opinion should be worked on. Just because its common doesn't make it ok.

Henrietta
January 5th, 2011, 10:21 AM
You're not bad:D You're not happy because they look worse, you're happy because you've got longer hair. And in any sense it is not your fault that they look better in longer hair! It was their decision, right?

I think we all feel good when we have the longest hair in out enviromnent. That makes us unique. I am happy since one of my friends at uni has cut her hair to SL so now on my faculty I have just... 3 girls with hair longer than mine. 2 with TBL/TBL+ and one with WL+ :):)

Toadstool
January 5th, 2011, 10:47 AM
seems fine to me!:)