"We're gonna cut your hair and.."

[Quixii]

I was meeting DBF's aunt and uncle for the first time yesterday. I was exceedingly nervous, as I always am meeting new people. Well, after the car ride to the restaurant, we were sitting down at the table. DBF (who absolutely loves my hair) asked his aunt if she had noticed my hair.
"Yes, we're gonna cut her hair and give it to kids with cancer. She's got enough of it!"
I gave DBF the look of terror, muttering something like "But I like my hair...", and he assured her that my hair was staying on my head. He told me that she was just teasing, but.. Sigh.

I know I didn't have to make a thread about it, but that one comment has just been making me uncomfortable since last night. Sure, I've had people ask me if I was going to donate it or whatnot, but I've never had someone say it like that. What am I supposed to say to something like that, teasing or no? Honestly, it makes me feel less comfortable around her. Not that I think she's going to cut my hair or something, but if she's making comments like that at my expense the first day I meet her... Grumble.

[Darkhorse1]

I'd always use the come back of 'well, then I'll cut your arm off and give it to an amputee'.. Bottom line? That's rude. Besides, wigs don't go to kids with cancer, it goes to people with alopecia and FYI, let people know your blood is probably a heck of a lot more useful to people with cancer than your hair. Or bone marrow.

Hugs to you--comments like that make me angry. It's pure ignorance.

[naushin83]

:D :D
would have scared anyone :D :D

[Unofficial_Rose]

"You've got two kidneys? I'm going to cut one of them out and donate it" :evil:

Vile woman!

[Purdy Bear]

These type of people get my goat. I dont have any hair due to Alopecia - do I want you all to cut of your hair to make a wig NO. If people knew how little hair eventually reaches the wig stage they wouldnt push others to do it either.

I dont think the average cancer patient would want you to either. Just ignore these people and enjoy your hair.

Infact I enjoy looking at everyones hair and their adventures more then I do wigs.

[Night_Kitten]

That was definitely something she shouldn't have done... I'd freak out too if that happened to me... Does she really think you unable to deside by yourself what to do with your own hair without other people desiding for you ant telling you what to do? And such a "pirl" the first time she meets you? Wierd...
Maybe she really was joking or something, but I too think it's wierd, especially when it's obvious both you and your DB love your beautifull hair... I'd be careful around her - if she "jokes" like that the first time she meets you on something it's easy to see you take close to heart, who knows what "lovely" remerks or instructions about your appearence / behaviour / relationships / whatever else she might issue later down the road?

[spidermom]

That IS rude; I don't like her a lot already.

My first thought was "you aren't getting anywhere NEAR my hair."

[Vani1902]

I have heard that 80 percent of the hair donated does not even reach the kids. Most of it is sold to private wig companies or thrown away. Along with that, kids with cancer are apparently not eligible to receive a wig. And, the wigs are not even free for the kids who are eligible. Next time some one teases you about your hair, maybe you can tell them this. The majority of people actually have no clue about this.

[Igor]

Bleah. Comments like that are so insanely rude and passive-aggressive. My personal theory is that people just need to say something mean and degrading to you to build themselves up, but still has that tiny miniature bit of tact left to know commenting on your weight/makeup/clothes/whatever would be rude. Somehow mean comments on hair is okay in their book :rolleyes:
Imagine if she had said "Yes, we're gonna take her clothes and give it to goodwill. She's got enough of it!" Yea, that would be rude, but hair is okay?

[Honestwitness]

Wow! That's very unthoughtful of his aunt! What an ungracious comment. Some people just don't have any control over their tongues; they let anything that comes into their minds come right out of their mouths.

I had someone say something similar to me the other day at work. A female coworker was walking down the hall several feet behind me and said, "I'm going to cut off that ponytail!" I whirled around and said to her, "What did you say?" She said, "Oh, I was only teasing. I really like your hair." (Hers is very short, and is adorable, and I have told her so.)

Then I got closer to her and in a very friendly way told her the reason I'm letting it grow is for spiritual reasons. I told her I have been praying for two people who are very dear to me, asking some very specific things, and this is my way of prayer and fasting, since I can't fast while I'm at work. She was very sweet to me and said she hoped I got my prayers answered. Whenever I tell people that, they immediately sober up and show me respect.

I sort of felt good, in a way, because it means my hair is finally long enough to bring forth comments like that.

Your hair, Quixii, is very beautiful and it belongs on YOU, not on anyone else. It's your gift from the Creator, and you should enjoy it to the fullest.

[PrincessTieflin]

"You've got two kidneys? I'm going to cut one of them out and donate it" :evil:

Vile woman!

LOL good one!!
:run:
Seriously tho.. I would wear it up around her *shudder* I really dont know what makes some people think they can say WHATEVER happens to pop into their heads.. They make think its funny.... But still YIKES..

I am sorry that happened to you *hugs*

[luxepiggy]

http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff33/shoppingpiglet/piggies/eep.gif

Eep.

That is not normal behaviour!!

[ScarlettAdelle]

I detest those comments. That's one of the major reasons I routinely wear my hair wrapped in the smallest profile bun I can wrestle it into. It's amazing how easily others can imagine you making a sacrifice based on their ideals to the point where they truly think you selfish because their swollen pride distorts their judgement.

Must say: I'll be using the 'you have enough arms, let's cut one off and donate it to an amputee' line

People don't donate for the imaginary "kids with cancer" my experience is that the vast majority of them do it so that they can brag to their friends, as they know going in to work the next day they'll hear a lot of "oh my, you cut your hair! Did you donate it?" And they can proudly say "yes I did"... maybe this is just the musings of a jaded hairdresser (yes, the profession caused me to loose what little faith I had in humanity at large.) But I've also heard parents telling their children that their hair is going to "kids with cancer" and it annoys me because they want something rediculous like 4 inches off (which the charity won't accept & most of that hair goes to soaking up oilspills on & off land, which doesn't sound as regal as "donating to kids with cancer"). There have been maybe 3 that have come in with the virgin, non damaged, non layered hair the charity will accept and had me cut 15"+ and upon leaving said that they're still taking prenatal vitamins, biotin, DE, or whatever worked for them so that they could donate again. Those few I can't see doing this for bragging rights. The rest? I rolled my eyes to myself and told myself to do the cut and get it overwith so I don't have to see them anymore...

It may be different in other parts of the country, but where I lived when I did hair, virtually everything was done for status.

/rant

[EmiliaF]

Some people are just incredible.... if they think it's not right to have long hair and not donate it, they should think about maybe growing their hair long to donate it instead of getting haircuts all the time to keep it short. How egoistic of them...

[Carolyn]

What a rude, thoughtless comment to make. It was probably said jokingly but things like that are NOT funny in the least. What an awful impression she made with you. I would be leery of being around people who would say things like that. Love the kidney comeback :thumbsup: A lot of people think it's "just hair" and it will grow back. But to a lot of us it's something very important to us and we've already grown it and we don't want to grow it back again. Geesh.

[Quixii]

Thanks for the comments, guys. I'm glad I'm not unjustified in the way I'm feeling. :grouphug:

Do you think I should mention to DBF how uncomfortable that comment made me? He'll see her again before I do, but I'm not sure that he should talk to her about it.

[Tia2010]

Well that was just rude :(. I'm sorry your first meeting with them had to go that way. She probably thought she was being funny when in fact she was being ill mannered and awful !



ETA : you have beautiful hair by the way !!! :)

[triumphator!]

That was really rude of her to say. What is with people?

I think you should mention to DBF how it made you feel, because you value your hair, and her comment actually came off as threatening. He might be able to do a little damage control, or at least prevent that situation from arising again.

[jasper]

What a spiteful remark from someone you had only just met! Sorry she made you feel bad and that it is still bugging you. I hope she doesn't always act like that. I don't know if I would recommend DBF say anything, because it might have been a one time ill-considered remark. If it came up again, that would be the time to do so.

When I get the question/comment about donating hair for kids with cancer, it is most usually from people who have known me long enough to know I did donate hair in 2003, but it is still uncomfortable. Depending on who it is, I might tell them what I have found out about the organization I donated to since then. . . or not since everyone outside of LHC seems to feel so warm and fuzzy about it. My other answer would be that I have, since that time, known a few people who went through hair loss from cancer treatment and none of them liked wearing wigs: hats and bandanas were more comfortable for them. :shrug:

[Speckla]

You should say how uncomfortable it made you feel. It's down right rudeness to say something like that to you. You have beautiful hair and it's yours. Maybe she should take off her shoes and give it to a homeless person since they need them....well, you know what I mean.

[triumphator!]

You know, I hear people make jokes like that all the time. I'm gonna cut your hair, hehe! What the hell is with that? That really makes me angry, your hair is part of your body and cutting it without your consent is a personal violation. You can charge people with assault for doing it.

[pepperminttea]

I hope you won't pay her any heed - given how beautiful your hair is, I bet it was envy! Your hair makes me want to dye my hair and get a perm (y'know, if I could magically do it without any damage :p ).

[Capybara]

Oh that is awful :( I hope, for her sake, that it was just an offhand comment. Remember, this is a complete stranger to you. My bet is that she was complimenting you on your (gorgeous!!!) hair. People who have hair worthy of donation are few and far between. Take it as a compliment! Hugs to you!


I detest those comments. That's one of the major reasons I routinely wear my hair wrapped in the smallest profile bun I can wrestle it into. It's amazing how easily others can imagine you making a sacrifice based on their ideals to the point where they truly think you selfish because their swollen pride distorts their judgement.

Must say: I'll be using the 'you have enough arms, let's cut one off and donate it to an amputee' line

People don't donate for the imaginary "kids with cancer" my experience is that the vast majority of them do it so that they can brag to their friends, as they know going in to work the next day they'll hear a lot of "oh my, you cut your hair! Did you donate it?" And they can proudly say "yes I did"... maybe this is just the musings of a jaded hairdresser (yes, the profession caused me to loose what little faith I had in humanity at large.) But I've also heard parents telling their children that their hair is going to "kids with cancer" and it annoys me because they want something rediculous like 4 inches off (which the charity won't accept & most of that hair goes to soaking up oilspills on & off land, which doesn't sound as regal as "donating to kids with cancer"). There have been maybe 3 that have come in with the virgin, non damaged, non layered hair the charity will accept and had me cut 15"+ and upon leaving said that they're still taking prenatal vitamins, biotin, DE, or whatever worked for them so that they could donate again. Those few I can't see doing this for bragging rights. The rest? I rolled my eyes to myself and told myself to do the cut and get it overwith so I don't have to see them anymore...

It may be different in other parts of the country, but where I lived when I did hair, virtually everything was done for status.

/rant

I really admire your knowledge on this! It's frustrating to me as well. Some people do donate for others. It's not just a status thing. Me, I've donated twice (the most recent time this past Monday), and I didn't tell anyone except my family, LHC, and my friend who donated with me. I wear my hair up all the time anyways, so there's no way anyone will notice any time soon - my bun hasn't shrunk too much.

I told my brother (he's an amputee, leg though) about the arm thing, and he laughed :) He doesn't care about hair, he just thought it was funny. Partially because it'd be virtually impossible with today's medicine, and partially because he's been asked if his foot (which is attached to a prosthetic leg) is his real foot. "Er, yes, I have my original foot attached to my prosthetic leg" [/endhijack]

[cataphract]

Unfortunately, no matter where you go, there will always be people who aren't adept at using their "How would I feel if someone said this to me"-meter. A lot of times they are either incapable or unwilling to put themselves in your shoes before they make the comment. Fortunately, though, this is their deficiency and not yours. She was likely jealous, or uncomfortable (after all it was her first time meeting you, too), or possibly just that narrow minded.

Ironically enough, it gives you the chance to be the bigger person and respond in a more socially well adjusted way.

Or, that's my opinion anyway :)

[Barbie Diamond]

You could reply, "But first we need to donate all your organs to people waiting for them. They need them more than you!"

[Speckla]

"I'll donate my hair when someone donates a brain for you to use..." Nah, that's too mean. ;)

[MandaMom2Three]

Sheesh, what a first impression :mad: !! Someone would have to be pretty darn fantastic to me for me to like them after a comment like that!

[Carolyn]

Thanks for the comments, guys. I'm glad I'm not unjustified in the way I'm feeling. :grouphug:

Do you think I should mention to DBF how uncomfortable that comment made me? He'll see her again before I do, but I'm not sure that he should talk to her about it.If she says something to you again the next time you see her, yes I would say something to your bf. Chances are it was an off hand comment. Rude and ill thought out but maybe not ill intentioned. I'd wait and see what happens next. Maybe nothing more will be said about your hair. Next time you are around them wear your hair up so it doesn't invite comments. If nothing more is said then I'd say let it go. If they make more remarks then your bf needs to say something to them privately.

[TrudieCat]

If it was a joke, which I suspect it was, then it was a truly bad one. I mean, a really, really bad, not funny, extremely rude joke.

If you felt uncomfortable, it might be worth talking to your BF about it. I'm sure he'll be able to reassure you - it's possible this woman has a history of inappropriate joke-making that you can commiserate about. At the very least, it will probably make you feel better to share your frustration with someone you love and I'm sure he'll appreciate your honesty as long as you are respectful about the situation (and having read your posts here, I can't imagine that you could be anything other than respectful).

[prosperina]

My first thought on reading this (after wow that was rude!) was at least it's his aunt and not his mother!

[Avvoltoio]

she was so rude with you, i don't like that type of people, fortunately here in Hungary donating hair is not a well known thing, so me and any of my long haired friend here not got that type of comment..

[enfys]

My first thought on reading this (after wow that was rude!) was at least it's his aunt and not his mother!

I thought the same thing :lol:

I'd say you should moan about it with your boyfriend until you feel better, but give the aunt one more chance before he, you or both speak to her about her hair comments. Hopefully, it was a one off and she's at home kicking herself for making a bad impression.

[kmouse43]

I absolutely HATE when older adults act like young adults can't think for themselves and therefore use that as an EXCUSE to be rude to them. It puts you in a bad position if you are trying to be polite to your seniors. She was very rude and out of line. I would feel very uncomfortable too. I hope you aren't staying too long.

[akuamoonmaui]

I can see how it would have been a little off-setting, but I wouldn't take it too personally. She did say it in the vein of giving it to children with cancer. I think I would have been offended if she would have just said to "cut it because you have so much of it". A lot of people do grow their hair specifically to donate it. Maybe she thought that was something you do, also. Granted it was a bit presumptuous but I'd let it go. Does she seem like a nice lady otherwise? Sometimes we all say something we don't realize may offend. I'd give her benefit of the doubt.

[heidi w.]

I was meeting DBF's aunt and uncle for the first time yesterday. I was exceedingly nervous, as I always am meeting new people. Well, after the car ride to the restaurant, we were sitting down at the table. DBF (who absolutely loves my hair) asked his aunt if she had noticed my hair.
"Yes, we're gonna cut her hair and give it to kids with cancer. She's got enough of it!"
I gave DBF the look of terror, muttering something like "But I like my hair...", and he assured her that my hair was staying on my head. He told me that she was just teasing, but.. Sigh.

I know I didn't have to make a thread about it, but that one comment has just been making me uncomfortable since last night. Sure, I've had people ask me if I was going to donate it or whatnot, but I've never had someone say it like that. What am I supposed to say to something like that, teasing or no? Honestly, it makes me feel less comfortable around her. Not that I think she's going to cut my hair or something, but if she's making comments like that at my expense the first day I meet her... Grumble.

It's his family; let him handle it. No one's going to be cutting your hair off. I think the issue is not so much hair but the overall disrespect you felt. Were they otherwise pleasant and receptive to you?

You see, DBF asked the question, and made it an issue. The Aunt replied with her thoughts. So it's up to him to say something to the Aunt, and he apparently chose to write it off to being "teased"....which is a social way of not addressing the actual comment. It excuses her bad behavior. We do this a lot in society.

You responding that you like your hair; DBF knows that. In future, if you go for social events, I would just wear your hair up. If they make an issue of it then and direct to you, then you can maybe say something. But warn DBF of your plan so he is not caught off guard. He may have a suggestion for what to do that's better because he knows how these people tend to behave, and he has more history with them.

heidi w.

[christine1989]

That was a totally rude comment that she should not have made. Even if she was only making a joke I can't stand the way it subtly tries to make you feel guilty about your (beautiful!) hair.

[Quixii]

My first thought on reading this (after wow that was rude!) was at least it's his aunt and not his mother!
Yes, his mother is wonderful. :) (And she likes my hair too. :))

[IcarusBride]

That's really scary and I would feel uncomfortable too!
But if possible I think you should try to imagine her point of view. Most likely, she's unintentionally long-hair- ignorant. To her, what she said is a great compliment. She acknowledged your amazing long hair the only way she knows how, unfortunately it came out kind of 'foot-in-mouth'.
Just watch your back around her, juuuuust in case she decides to act on the suggestion...

[LisaButz2001]

We are going to cut her hair/she has enough of it. Sorry, but the fact that it was couched in terms of sick kids with cancer does not make it any less rude or offensive. This is a stranger who might eventually be a family member, and this is how you choose to make them welcome? Honey, don't feel bad for starting a thread, I would be totally terrified too. She is wrong, not you.

[trillcat]

Is everyone over reacting a bit?
She did not make the comment till confronted.
As far as I see, she did not set out to cause the OP grief about her hair.
I have had aunts that said the goofiest things to me about hair and all of everything else.
Is it rude, yes. But really, to let this one little comment get to you this much you have to grow thicker skin if you want long hair.

[mrs_coffee]

That is a strange thing to say to someone you just met. I'm glad your DBF spoke up for you.

[McFearless]

Was she being serious? I wouldn't let it bother you, she probably won't bring it up again. Hopefully she does so you can put her in her place.

[embee]

On thinking this over, it seems to me best to leave the comment alone. Do not discuss it or make it seem like a big thing. It's probably a one-time remark especially as she did not even start the hair conversation.

If she continues to make remarks in future then you or DBF can deal with it.

However, I would be wearing my hair in an updo when around her. Less provoking.

So do you give blood? You might use that as a comeback if it happens again. Blood is much more important to the sick than hair

How tiresome. Maybe she suffers from foot-in-mouth? Some of us do. ;)

[purplebubba]

I'm curious as to what made DBF feel the need to point out the hair to her? I know you say he likes long hair but was he expecting her to say something odd?

Does he have some sort of previous experience with her that caused him to bring the subject up?

It's as if he told her in the past he was looking for someone with long hair and is showing off or something. Or perhaps he has heard her in the past say something about long hair and wanted to get her reaction.

Just curious. I could be wrong.

[thatjengirl1]

That was really rude. I would of turned hot in the face.
Maybe talk to her next time you see her and tell her that comment offended you a little bit because you like your hair how it is. it might be uncomfortable but it might make you feel better.

[Capybara]

Is everyone over reacting a bit?
She did not make the comment till confronted.
As far as I see, she did not set out to cause the OP grief about her hair.
I have had aunts that said the goofiest things to me about hair and all of everything else.
Is it rude, yes. But really, to let this one little comment get to you this much you have to grow thicker skin if you want long hair.

Yes - personally, I would take it as a compliment :) to most non LHC people, at least many people I've met, donating hair is seen as a positive thing, and it's pretty exclusive because the hair has to be healthy. Take it as if she said your hair was healthy enough to donate :)

[Lianna]

She was kind of rude, from what I learn here in LHC. In my country there's to pressure no donate, since I think most want long hair, about 85-90% girls in my college have at least BSL hair. So I don't really "understand" the feeling, if that's okay.

A much better response would have been a simple: "Yes, it's really beautiful." So hers was at least strange to me, "enough of"? At first glance, that comment seems like she doesn't have enough of, and was jealous. That's what I think of her exact choice of words. She might have not said anything if wasn't for your boyfriend, which could have made her even more jealous (since he likes it so much). She might have thought: "Oh, so you want to show her off." And might have been upset she isn't as beautiful as you. The type of comment was unnecessary, nontheless.

I was never a person to comment/touch someone's hair, now after LHC, I know what people might not like, so again, like one said, maybe she's also long hair ignorant.

But like spidermom, I don't like her a lot. Being jealous and keeping it to yourself it's fine, we can't help it when it happens. But to be hateful, I don't like people like that. My hair is still short and I don't act like that, instead (I believe) I only have nice comments for all the long hairs in here or in real life (if the subject arrives).

[Jessica Trapp]

"You've got two kidneys? I'm going to cut one of them out and donate it" :evil:


I like this answer. :eyebrows:

ETA: (I haven't read all the responses yet.) This was the first time you had met this woman?

[ScarlettAdelle]

I really admire your knowledge on this! It's frustrating to me as well. Some people do donate for others. It's not just a status thing. Me, I've donated twice (the most recent time this past Monday), and I didn't tell anyone except my family, LHC, and my friend who donated with me. I wear my hair up all the time anyways, so there's no way anyone will notice any time soon - my bun hasn't shrunk too much.

I told my brother (he's an amputee, leg though) about the arm thing, and he laughed :) He doesn't care about hair, he just thought it was funny. Partially because it'd be virtually impossible with today's medicine, and partially because he's been asked if his foot (which is attached to a prosthetic leg) is his real foot. "Er, yes, I have my original foot attached to my prosthetic leg" [/endhijack]


See, when I had people like you in my chair I didn't mind it. I didn't feel like I was being paid to stroke their ego. Actually, I respect those people deeply. It's the ones who are clearly in it for the vanity that I found myself really having to hold my tongue, and they stand out loud and clear. They usually feel the need to state their reason for being there so loudly that everyone in the salon has no choice but to bask in the glow of their radiant ego.

I learned the fate of most of the hair by talking with my old salon's rep. I caught her on an off day and took the chance to speak candidly about where the hair ends up and the process by which it's turned into wigs, who gets them, why certain donations don't get taken and blah blah blah. I'd heard so much conflicting information about what could and could not be taken that I really wanted answers, so I went straight to the source.

I was thinking about the amputee situation as I was writing the previous comment. It's so funny to think of how other people will react when answered with that comment.... However, as donating arms and legs is as of yet impossible, I guess I won't be seeing any "Limbs of Love" t-shirts floating around any time soon XD

[GoddesJourney]

Well, I can see how it was a really thoughtless comment. I'm pretty sure she was just teasing, and I didn't hear her tone, but if they are a teasing family, she probably was just showing you some playfulness to let you know you are welcome in the family. If this is the case, she would have picked anything to make a little crack about and see how you react. Not so much testing you, but more a way of communication through playfulness. I'm sure you were not amused, and I'm sorry she didn't have any idea that it was something you would be sensitive to, but she probably didn't even imagine any harm would come by it. If I were you, I would just try to think of it that way and try to let it go. Maybe someone could mention that you have a soft spot about your hair and the people who take hair donations pretending they will be going to children with cancer. Sorry this happened. It's not fun to get off on the wrong foot with your boyfriend's family. Don't worry, they're probably really nice people. You'll get to know them better with time, and they will get to know you too.

[30isthenewblack]

Well, I can see how it was a really thoughtless comment. I'm pretty sure she was just teasing, and I didn't hear her tone, but if they are a teasing family, she probably was just showing you some playfulness to let you know you are welcome in the family. If this is the case, she would have picked anything to make a little crack about and see how you react. Not so much testing you, but more a way of communication through playfulness. I'm sure you were not amused, and I'm sorry she didn't have any idea that it was something you would be sensitive to, but she probably didn't even imagine any harm would come by it. If I were you, I would just try to think of it that way and try to let it go. Maybe someone could mention that you have a soft spot about your hair and the people who take hair donations pretending they will be going to children with cancer. Sorry this happened. It's not fun to get off on the wrong foot with your boyfriend's family. Don't worry, they're probably really nice people. You'll get to know them better with time, and they will get to know you too.

I totally agree with this. I don't think she meant anything by the comment and I think you're being oversensitive. It's not something I would make a big issue over.

[beez1717]

I hate these sort of comments. So ignorent of the person. My hair is a very personal thing for me because I take care of it and put some love into it. My hair means a lot to me.

[Lianna]

I totally agree with this. I don't think she meant anything by the comment and I think you're being oversensitive. It's not something I would make a big issue over.

I'm "oversensitive". I believe she has the right to feel.

[milagro]

That's cringeworthy indeed. I hate when people try to dictate what one should do with their hair, life, whatever. Especially when they don't follow their advice themselves :)
Anyway I hope you won't see her too often, and she can't rob you of your hair and your supportive BF, so everything is alright :flower:

[Sinisiew]

I would NOT ask him to talk to her for you if I were you. Especially if he already interpreted it as a joke. Let him figure out for himself what type of person she is, if you point it out to him thre's a risk that he'll accuse you of attacking someone who was just joking. Men can be completely oblivious to the fact that their dear little mummies and aunts are complete bitches...*sigh*
Just ignore it and try to avoid seeing her, if you have to see her again kill her with kindness. There's a high probablity that she's just too stupid to understand the finer workings of social situations...

[trillcat]

I would NOT ask him to talk to her for you if I were you. Especially if he already interpreted it as a joke. Let him figure out for himself what type of person she is, if you point it out to him thre's a risk that he'll accuse you of attacking someone who was just joking. Men can be completely oblivious to the fact that their dear little mummies and aunts are complete bitches...*sigh*
Just ignore it and try to avoid seeing her, if you have to see her again kill her with kindness. There's a high probablity that she's just too stupid to understand the finer workings of social situations...
That is harsh, WOW.
Does long hair = the ability to not see a joke?
Her coment was crass. But my goodness, are WE better for calling her a stupid bitch?

[arc691]

I totally understand how you felt! I have been told this same thing more times that I can count! I am so tired of hearing this same comment over and over again. Like one of you already said, my sister says I should tell them, "You have two kidneys? Why don't you donate one of those?"

[Unofficial_Rose]

It's just that, if that's the first thing she says, and she is allowed to get away with it, then what is going to be the next thing? My approach would be "nip this behaviour in the bud". If she is "joking" you can pass off the response as a similar joke. :) Once you've put her back in her box, you might get to like her in time...I've had this situation with people.

There is also an element of - she knows you are obliged to be polite to her - and her taking advantage of this.

[Rebelkat]

That's really scary and I would feel uncomfortable too!
But if possible I think you should try to imagine her point of view. Most likely, she's unintentionally long-hair- ignorant. To her, what she said is a great compliment. She acknowledged your amazing long hair the only way she knows how, unfortunately it came out kind of 'foot-in-mouth'.
Just watch your back around her, juuuuust in case she decides to act on the suggestion...
I agree with IcarusBride. Most likely it was just a social blunder, but I'd be on my guard after that.

[30isthenewblack]

I'm "oversensitive". I believe she has the right to feel.

You have the right to your opinion and I have the right to mine. Happy to agree to disagree and I'm aware that I would be the minority in this thread but doesn't change my opinion :flowers:

[heidi w.]

Do I agree she was rude, and a bit over the top? yes.
Do I agree it was insensitive? yes.
Do I agree that given this was the first meeting, that she was an unpleasant hostess? yes

Do I agree that the DBF is sloughing it off a bit, labeling it a "joke" when it may have been something more? yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Given all that, all this brouhaha over a comment, puhleez. Chances are that on other occasions she'll probably be better behaved. Maybe she had already heard about the hair.

A part of me is wondering why some guy would purposefully, in a social setting of meet and greet, purposefully up front make their GFs hair a topic of conversation. That IS a little odd. Maybe he said stuff before, wait til you meet her, she's so beautiful, and maybe, maybe the Aunt was a bit sick of it all, or even, yeah, envious somehow.

But despite all this there is not a thing anyone can do. Going forth and demanding BF talk to Auntie is unreasonable. It causes a ruckus where at this juncture in the developing relationships should not be overly focused upon. Talking to Auntie directly and saying something about how rude she was, that won't go over well.

It's a comment. If we get our hackles up over every comment someone makes about whatever, hair, our lifestyle choices, you just can't keep up. Commenting nasty back almost never works. It worsens situations, typically. Nobody likes to be "taught" about the err of their ways.

Was the host ungracious? Absolutely.

The best thing to do is to be gracious yourself, let it go, and stop fussing over something that isn't going to happen. She has her opinion -- so what. It doesn't change your hair length or the beauty of your hair, nor even you. It just changes your joy at going to visit again.

I say just continue to be kind, polite and respectful, and over time, this will more than likely win the day.

We have a society now where everyone thinks that it's important to nip all this behavior in the bud. I agree that being older doesn't entitle someone to be rude, but this comment has everything to do with this Aunt and pretty much nothing to do with you, so I wouldn't personalize it. She was rude. Lots of people are rude. All of us are nice, or so we think. All of us are capable of rudeness and lack of hospitality at times.

I just don't get the need to fuss over this. Really, I don't. If this is your big life problem, then there's really no problem. People say stuff all the time. They will every day of your life, in the grocery line, in the lane behind you in their car, behind your back, at work, friends.....it's what we do. Flap our jaws in the breeze.

Not every single situation of bad behavior needs to be dealt with, and frankly, recognizing when to go to war or battle, and being judicious in picking your battles, is a huge part of being an Adult. Recognizing the social etiquette in kind when someone is this untoward is just as much about good manners ETA: as the fact that she was ungracious to you. Meeting a lack of graciousness with further unpleasantness only escalates things, instills opinions that can be very hard to change, and isolates you from being accepted into the family. There's a bigger context here than just this comment to consider END ETA. You overly responding and demanding some kind of adjudication on your BF's part, or taking his family matters in to your own hands, means you're placing yourself square in the middle, causing a fuss, where if you are pleasant and gracious, more than likely, over time will win the day. Slower than making a comment back, sure. But you stand to lose a lot more by creating a ruckus over this than just letting it go. Learning to let go is a very big part of being an Adult, too. ETA: Being disrespectful in kind is not the best answer. END ETA

By making a mountain out of a molehill, places you center stage and more than likely will create more of the family members on her side and not your side. Your goal here is to be accepted by this family, not to alienate everyone and place your DBF in a pickle of having to explain you.

In a sense, I actually concur with his method of handling the matter, pawning it off as a joke. (1) It may be he actually knows her better than anyone there, certainly the OP and he may actually be labeling it correctly, even if we all agree that it wasn't funny. (2) He's being gracious by letting her off the hook so to speak; he's being the gracious one by essentially letting it go so easily.

The best way to lose a guy is to cause a fuss over his family members and force a person to feel they have to choose or be in the middle. Your best bet, honestly, is to just move on. She didn't threaten to cut your hair; she only suggested a donation. So what.

This isn't about you. She revealed her unpleasantness, and I'm fairly certain that any others at the table thought her comment ungracious, somehow. They just didn't say so. Just because they didn't say so doesn't mean they didn't notice. Of course, she could always be this unpleasant, and when you have data on that, you can make a different decision -- that and when you're more accepted into the family social circle. Then they'll hear you better if the road has already been paved by you being gracious.

heidi w.

[Bene]

I suppose if someone was rude enough to say that kind of thing to me, I shouldn't be obligated to be polite towards them about it. Most likely, I'd stare at that person for a few seconds, then go on as if they didn't spew such nonsense.

[Fadedbluedreams]

Is it insensitive of me to be tired of all the "donate it to cancer" stuff? I mean, aren't there plenty of synthetic wigs that look really close to real hair these days? Why do people insist on that? And I can certainly understand your trepidation. A woman you barely know zeroed in on a much valued, often envied beautiful part of you and basically suggested you be rid of it. Joke or not, that would scare me. Also, perhaps you should ask your significant other not to bring attention to your hair in the future, to save yourself from this kind of thing.

[Sinisiew]

That is harsh, WOW.
Does long hair = the ability to not see a joke?
Her coment was crass. But my goodness, are WE better for calling her a stupid bitch?

Ofc that wouldn't be better but you have severely misinterpreted what I wrote.

I have not called this woman stupid, nor a bitch (and why would I? I've never met her).

I have however said that there is a probability that she does not understand the finer workings of social life, based on the fact that she upset her guest by making a very blunt comment. Does that make her stupid? Hardly. Clumsy and a bit insensitive? Yes quite.
About the bitch part, I wrote that men (as in men in general, not this specific man) have a tendency to be very forgiving towards the behaviour of beloved female relatives (again, female relatives in general) even when that behaviour is bitchy. Therefore it is most likely a better idea to kill her with kindness.

[MrsGuther]

Some people can be so insensitive and rude to someone with such beautiful hair. Sorry she made such a horrendous comment to you. I've got your back! Tell her to buzz off!!!!

[kattygf]

That is so mean. I would definetly go with the kidney comeback. Hair that is long and well kept stays ON the head. Chop off long fried locks

[Fairlight63]

I can't understand someone saying that, that is just so rude! Why couldn't she just say "Your hair is so BEAUTIFUL!!"
She must be jealous!

[Quixii]

Goodness, this thread is getting bigger than I expected it to. O.O

I'd like to point out that it's not like this is the only thing she said to me all day. However, she frequently made judgmental "jokes" (not always about me) that I found in poor taste. That particular comment did bother me particularly, as it was probably the only one about me, and my hair is something about myself I like particularly.

DBF does tend to point out my hair a lot. When we first met, it was the first thing we had an actual conversation about. And apparently he had talked about how beautiful I am (including my hair) to them before hand, so that was probably part of the reason for pointing it out.

I did talk to DBF about it a little. Not the specific comment, but just her attitude in general. He says that she always makes comments like that (examples said to him including: "You eat too much" "You eat too little" "You're not as muscular as you were last year" etc.), she's at a really stressful point in her life (a lot of health issues and such), and that if you learn to just take most of what she says as a joke or at least as not serious, then she really is a fairly enjoyable person.

I also am not sure I would say I was "offended." Felt uncomfortable and bothered, yes, but I didn't exactly take offence. The comment didn't seem meant to offend at all.

Between this thread and our conversation, I do feel better. That comment was just the one unpleasantry that stuck with me, and I knew you guys could relate. Thank you.

[frizzinator]

Her comment may have been about you, but it was a response to your bf, who understood and knew it was a joke.

When people have conversed with each other over a period of years, they understand each other's conversational nuances. New friends and acquaintances are not privy to the history of that personal style of conversation, thus they may misunderstand and can feel insulted by completely innocent conversation. It happens all the time.

Being the newcomer to the group, you might save yourself a lot of grief if you get to know each member before you take offense at their remarks.

[Alvrodul]

Rude woman!! :steam
When I get a comment like that, I spear the person giving it with my patented, ice-cold, don't-mess-with-me stare.:demon:
It works for me. :demon:

[30isthenewblack]

Her comment may have been about you, but it was a response to your bf, who understood and knew it was a joke.

When people have conversed with each other over a period of years, they understand each other's conversational nuances. New friends and acquaintances are not privy to the history of that personal style of conversation, thus they may misunderstand and can feel insulted by completely innocent conversation. It happens all the time.

Being the newcomer to the group, you might save yourself a lot of grief if you get to know each member before you take offense at their remarks.

I totally agree. You need to pick your battles in life. However I am disturbed at how many people on the forum think it's ok to retaliate or give people death stares if they feel affronted. It doesn't make you better than the so-called attacker. Just flick your hair over your shoulder and walk away with your head held high.

[yellowchariot]

I was meeting DBF's aunt and uncle for the first time yesterday. I was exceedingly nervous, as I always am meeting new people. Well, after the car ride to the restaurant, we were sitting down at the table. DBF (who absolutely loves my hair) asked his aunt if she had noticed my hair.
"Yes, we're gonna cut her hair and give it to kids with cancer. She's got enough of it!"
I gave DBF the look of terror, muttering something like "But I like my hair...", and he assured her that my hair was staying on my head. He told me that she was just teasing, but.. Sigh.

I know I didn't have to make a thread about it, but that one comment has just been making me uncomfortable since last night. Sure, I've had people ask me if I was going to donate it or whatnot, but I've never had someone say it like that. What am I supposed to say to something like that, teasing or no? Honestly, it makes me feel less comfortable around her. Not that I think she's going to cut my hair or something, but if she's making comments like that at my expense the first day I meet her... Grumble.

Hey Quixii, I'm going to reply to you directly, instead of reading through this stone throwing contest :tongue:

No one here, was there, thus nobody here, experienced the mood, the attitude, and the feeling that you experienced. . . only you did! ;)

I agree that to an extend, how offensive this situation seemed to you. Regardless if it were an "inside joke", just for your b/f to "understand". However at her age, she could have been more conservative and JUST said a nice "generic" compliment.

This is what I call the cross-fire meets & greets. Everybody knows each other, but you don't know anybody, except for 1 person in the whole room/vehicle/house/etc., they are firing away with their own words at each other and you are caught in the middle just clueless. Nevertheless, still awkward for a FIRST encounter.

Perhaps if you had known her much longer, then the "joking" would have been acceptable/predictable? Why involve cancer kids?! Where did that come from? How sad :blushing:!

This is just me, but I would have "jokingly" engaged on their fun activity and made up a false name of a cousin that you had from your Mother's/Father's/Cousins's/Wife's/Sister's/Nephew's/ Twice removed/etc., and then calmly said with a broken voice. . . "My little Johnny has THAT. . . it's going to him. . . as soon as my hair reaches the floor. . . I told him that he could have half of my hair. . . Its the least I can do for him. . ." Then bow your head and cover your face, and begin gently weeping.

That would have totally tripped everyone in the car out. Your B/F would be like WHOA?! "I didn't know you had a cousin?!?!?" :p Naturally it would leave his aunt speechless. There would be no need for "defensive" remarks on your behalf, and you could get back at them at their own game :D

[adiapalic]

Quixii, though limited because... well, it's the internet--I've always known you to be very amiable and sweet in how you express yourself here. You've always come across as mild-mannered and polite, so I can understand why and how it would make you feel uncomfortable when someone says something so boorish--so opposite of how you behave.

Regardless of whether or not the topic was initiated by your boyfriend, I think the person could have inconvenienced themselves just enough to express some iota of respect toward you. Sometimes that's asking too much, it seems. Though, that doesn't mean we shouldn't appeal to the better angels of our nature, and expect the same of others.

Oversensitive? Maybe. We sometimes toughen as we get older. But, I don't think being sensitive to the poor nature and bitterness of others is flaw.

I hope you continue to be kind and courteous as you have been. :flower:

[DecafJane]

She probably makes un-funny jokes about other things, too. Family is fun. It is probably a good idea to let it go. ;)

[MafiaPrincess]

I thought I was the only one who received 'threats' over my hair. I don't know anyone in real life with hair as long as mine and it's 'just' waist. But it's always been wait so it's not wow or unique to me. It just is me. In grade school children threatened me with scissors.

I've gotten regularly comments about how I need to donate my hair as I'm selfish if I don't from people I know and people I don't. I find it distasteful. I know how few wigs make it to people who need them. I took wigs and make up as a theatre course in university. We learned to make wigs. We only did a 2" x 2" square of wig and it took hours and hours and most of the hair length was lost. like 20" of hair became 12" or so of useable length..

Last year at work an employee threatened to set my hair on fire.. He was disciplined.. but I still say WTF is wrong with people..

[yellowchariot]

^ MafiaPrincess, I agree with you.

In situations like that, it's only fair to ask that person, in return, to give something away such as their own automobile to someone who doesn't have one. Then call them selfish for declining. :rolleyes:

It's so easy to tell somebody else, to give something away without realizing the effort it takes, to obtain it! Even growing out hair! Some people can obtain materialistic things quicker than hair, due to their growth cycle!

It took about 3 1/2 hours to by a car, at my local dealership, yet it took 3 1/2 years to grow my hair out to the length it is now. (Including layers cut in, and re-growing. . . I won't make that choice again)

Money didn't buy my hair. . . dedication to living healthy, eating clean, and exercising did! ;)

[Caldonia Sun]

I think it very aggressive for a grown woman to say that to a young girl when first meeting her. She does not sound like a nice person. Sounds like a woman who is not comfortable with her own aging and possibly jealous of a young girl's beauty.