View Full Version : Would you make a change to your hair that your SO told you he wouldn't like?

December 17th, 2010, 04:12 PM
I'm thinking of starting to use henna to get red highlights, maybe sort of an auburn tint, don't know yet how it'll come out but definitely reddish. (Yes I know it's permanent, but anyways if I decide to grow out my natural color, my hair isn't that long, that's not the deal here.)

I have naturally dark brown hair and eyes but very fair skin and I've always felt that my dark hair made me look even paler. I've been a redhead before, I loved it and got a lot of compliments. I'm looking for a change and I've been contemplating going red(der) again. I just asked my boyfriend on chat if he'd see me as a redhead, and he said NO, big no-no, I don't like redheads, only brunettes. I asked him what he'd do if I showed up with red hair, and he told me he wouldn't like it and would find me less attractive, and then logged off abruptly (a bit inconsiderate but he'll apologize later, I know him).

Now I know my boyfriend won't like it, but I love this haircolor and it looks good on me, and I'm still tempted. Should I do it for my own sake, or will it disappoint him that I took the time to ask for his opinion and didn't consider it? Obviously it'd be upsetting for him that I didn't listen to him, but still, it's my hair, my choice, and he shouldn't think any less of me if I have a different hair color. I have a feeling that he'll be hurt because I didn't consider his opinion... So, to henna or not to henna? What would you do?

December 17th, 2010, 04:22 PM
How do you prove you hadn't considered his opinion? By kowtowing to his wishes and doing what he wants with your body? If he's going to find you unattractive and undesirable based on something as mundane as hair color, he's not worth your time.

December 17th, 2010, 04:24 PM
My hubby doesn't like long hair at all. He thinks I'm small and cute and should have a sweet, bouncy haircut to match.

And you know what? That does mean a lot to me. I like being beautiful in his eyes.

I'm going to compensate with adorable accessories like sparkly headbands and silk bows. Can you do something similar? Trade it for something else he'd like?

Also, guys don't like change. And he's probably afraid of all the attention you'd get. I know those are sweeping statements. YMMV.

December 17th, 2010, 04:33 PM
My husband didn't want me to go red. I did it anyway because I wanted to. I also wear clothes he doesn't get and paint my nails colors he thinks are tacky. This is because it's my body. I know he's not going to actually pick a fight about any of this stuff but I also know that if he did I wouldn't stick around.

December 17th, 2010, 04:35 PM
My husband didn't want me to go red. I did it anyway because I wanted to. I also wear clothes he doesn't get and paint my nails colors he thinks are tacky. This is because it's my body. I know he's not going to actually pick a fight about any of this stuff but I also know that if he did I wouldn't stick around.
If you were my wife I'd sing lullabies to your hair every night. So beautiful!

December 17th, 2010, 04:35 PM
How do you prove you hadn't considered his opinion? By kowtowing to his wishes and doing what he wants with your body? If he's going to find you unattractive and undesirable based on something as mundane as hair color, he's not worth your time.
i agree 100% My hubby likes certain hair colors more than others but every time I dye my hair he seems to love it no matter the color because he thinks I am attractive not my hair color. I know he doesn't like the orange henna look even though he hasn;t said anything to me. I just know him. But he cant get over how much he loves my hair now. Not just the color but how soft and shiny it is. He cant stop touching it and he loves brushing it. Supposedly blonds are his favorite but he never acted this way when I had blond hair. Maybe cuz it just didn't feel nice. I think guys like soft touchable hair more than a certain color. JMO.

My husband didn't want me to go red. I did it anyway because I wanted to. I also wear clothes he doesn't get and paint my nails colors he thinks are tacky. This is because it's my body. I know he's not going to actually pick a fight about any of this stuff but I also know that if he did I wouldn't stick around.
your hair is a beautiful color in your siggy pic!

December 17th, 2010, 04:40 PM
I was brunette when I met DBF, and he always said he only liked brunettes... one day I decided that I missed being blonde and began the process of dying it back to blonde.
He now loves me blonde and doesn't want me to ever change.. :D
Also - I put up with his changes.. movember = sleazy looking "I'm here to clean your pool" moustache followed up by shaving his head (which I didn't want him to do) but his life not mine.. you have to be understanding of each others wishes.
I still love him :)

One thing to think on - "if he doesn't like me with a different hair colour, what would happen if I was in a car accident and physically disfigured forever - he would probably leave"

*not saying that about my DBF he's amazing - just a good thing to think about in any relationship...

Sorry I'm rambling...


December 17th, 2010, 04:42 PM
I've asked this question on other boards as well and ALL the answers I got told me that if I really want to do it, then I just do it. I think my decision is taken. If my boyfriend really makes a fuss out of it, I'll have to reconsider the seriousness of our relationship.

December 17th, 2010, 04:43 PM
I think my decision is taken.

Please post a henna thread, from ordering through oxidation! I love seeing the henna pictures. :)

December 17th, 2010, 04:45 PM
Also, my boyfriend sported a mohawk ending in a RAT TAIL for a few months. I never told him I didn't like it, and at the time I don't even think I actually had an opinion about it, I just found him hot no matter what. Will definitely be doing my own thing, thanks for the support and making me think rationally.

December 17th, 2010, 04:49 PM
I think it really depends on how much you want to do it. If you really, really want to do it, his opinion matters less. After all, if he loves you, he loves you, right? I have had situations where I've been totally ambivalent, weighed the pros and cons and they've come up totally equal, and in that case I'll ask him to cast the tie-breaking vote, but otherwise, it's my body and I do what I want with it.

December 17th, 2010, 04:50 PM
First, if you henna, with your hair that dark, he probably wont even notice unless you are standing in bright sunlight. Nobody seems to ever notice mine and DBFs never did.

Second, no one ever tells me what I can and cant do with my hair! If you let someone have that kind of control over you they may end up not respecting you as a person. I broke up with someone who kept suggesting he wanted me to dye my hair red because he liked redheads (at this time I had several years of henna buildup also!! Go figure!). GOODBYE!!! :steam

If he loves you he will love you no matter what you want to do with your hair. Acknowledge and thank him for his opinion (since you asked) and then do what makes you happy.

December 17th, 2010, 05:00 PM
I hate when guys are like, I only find X hair colour attractive.
So...the rest of me doesn't matter, it's just my hair you like? Great. Thanks. BTW I only find guys with super ripped abs attractive. >:(

December 17th, 2010, 05:09 PM
I have a favorite saying that I heard some months ago:
"Your significant other is your standard of beauty."

If you keep your brunette hair, that is your BF's standard of beauty;
if you dye your hair red, that is your BF's new standard of beauty.
Because true love is deeper than appearances, you know?
If he truly loves you, redhead or brunette, he will still think you're lovely.
Remind him of that truth.

December 17th, 2010, 05:22 PM
Just to add my two cents... even if you do decide to henna it, you should let him know you *did* consider his opinion. This thread (and the others you mentioned) are you considering it. You are clearly putting a lot of thought into whether or not to do it and considering his opinion in that thought.

So you may want to frame it to him as "I did consider your opinion but just decided that my happiness about how I look has to come first..."

December 17th, 2010, 05:37 PM
You're still YOU on the inside, no matter what color your hair is.

December 17th, 2010, 05:42 PM
He actually apologized to me and told me that he didn't think I was considering it seriously, so that's why he replied the brunette thing, and that he'd have to wait for the results to actually know if he'd like it or not. He was just scared of the change, I think, but he told me he supports my desires. Sometimes my insecurities make me think my boyfriend's a jerk when he really isn't. Problem solved, or rather, turns out there wasn't an actual problem in the first place.

December 17th, 2010, 05:49 PM
I was going to say, do it and don't say anything. Chances are he won't notice anyway LOL

I was a blondie when my SO met me, I know he secretly hopes I will go back to bleach some day (keep on dreaming) but he still likes the way I look.

I am glad he apologized, so good luck with your henna!

December 17th, 2010, 06:19 PM
Its your body/hair. He can state his opinion, but its ultimately your descision.

I've done it before - I had blonde hair, and dyed it a very dark brown (it was pretty much black). He wasn't happy, but he quickly got over it. Its the person he was in love with - it dosent really matter what color my hair was.

December 17th, 2010, 06:23 PM
my head, my rules.

December 17th, 2010, 06:35 PM
DBF was always dying to see me in a cute bob with blunt bangs (he thought my long hair was boring), so I bought a high-quality synthetic bobbed wig. He rather liked it. I would never cut my real hair or change it in any way, but I would try to please him as much as I want to.

December 17th, 2010, 06:37 PM
You should do what makes YOU happy, and your boyfriend should adore you no matter what color your hair is, that's what a relationship is all about.:)

December 17th, 2010, 06:41 PM
Why not show him some pictures of the kind of red henna will give you? Maybe he's thinking the really fiery red a natural redhead might have, vs. the auburn you'll likely have with henna.

If my husband really, really was going to hate something I was thinking of doing to my hair, I probably wouldn't do it, but we've been married a long time and compromise is the name of the game. Ultimately, it's your hair, not his.

December 17th, 2010, 07:59 PM
My husband made things like this really easy for me. I asked him to grow his excruciatingly short hair cut a little longer, and he told me that it's his hair and he'll wear it how he likes it.


December 17th, 2010, 08:07 PM
I think that in a relationship, the mature and considerate thing to do is to consider the other's feelings in what you do with yourself and your life. Relationships are about compromise (situational, not emotional or moral... those should already be established before entering into the relationship in the first place). I'm taking this a bit deep for something as superfluous as hair color, but even for that I think that if you have a SO with really specific beauty standards (which I think is okay as long as they keep in mind that people like to change it up every once in a while, and should be granted the right), it's at least considerate to tell them and ask them how they feel about it.

Basically, consider the feelings of your SO (some people... well- women.... can be particularly cold in that respect sometimes, at least from what I've witnessed in my life so far), but stay true to yourself.

December 17th, 2010, 08:10 PM
pfft. Yes, I'd totally do it. I've done it before. I'll probably do it again.

Luckily the love is real or I'd be out of a boyfriend.

December 17th, 2010, 09:04 PM
My first post here was something along the lines of : What do you do if your dh doesn't like long hair ?

I got alot of, "It's your body and your hair" responses , which I expected and for the most part agree with ( although I can honestly say if dh had totally and unabashedly hated the idea I may not have decided to grow to tailbone) ...It actually turned out fine because I realized my dh really doesn't care what I do to my hair :D

I agree with you that (some) men seem scared/resistant to change. Like they think if we are changing something , we might keep changing things ( including them :p ). I'm glad it all turned out well for you and your bf.

December 17th, 2010, 11:29 PM
I know the issue has been solved but I've found a way around all those, "What do you think about me doing x, y, z?" issues. I don't ask, I state. As in instead of saying, "Would you like it if I grew long hair?", I say, "I've decided to grow my hair out." That way I've established that this is something I've made a personal decision about, but also opened a road of dialogue. He can ask me questions about why I'm doing it, or state his opinion, but the power stays on my side of the discussion.

I don't mean that in a selfish way, just in the, "It is my choice, but I respect your opinion and encourage discussion," way. :D Just a thought for the future.

December 18th, 2010, 03:08 AM
I consider what DBF thinks of a potential change, and then, the ultimate choice is mine. I give my preferences more weight than his, but I do take his into account. He does the same with me regarding his choices.

So, he would like me to go blonde but I will NOT go blonde (it wouldn't suit me & damage). He would like me to not grow much longer than waist, but, eh, I AM. :D He would like me to wear my hair down but it gets in my way so I don't. He knows better than to pick a fight over my hair :lol: He said he prefers straight to u hemlines on 'super long hair' (by that he means hair my length -- it's obvious he's not an LHC member!) and I was pretty indifferent, so I went with his choice on that.

On temporary just-for-tonight changes when he's over I give him a lot more weight than on changes that will affect my appearance for a while, so I get his opinion on what I wear if we're going out for the night, how I should style my hair. There's a couple of t-shirts I own that I LOVE and he hates, and I usually don't wear them when he's around because I know I can just wear them another day.

He ignores me mostly when I tell him to wear his hair curly (he uses a flatiron daily) or anything else he doesn't want to do, but often he gives me the 'swing vote' when he's undecided on a change -- like keeping/shaving his beard, hair length, etc. So it goes both ways.

Re: henna ... it's not like you can just wear your henna when your BF isn't around, like I can my flogging molly t-shirt. And you're the one who has to be around it all the time. And it's not even a drastic change on dark hair. Personally, in your situation, if I had my heart set on henna, I would henna.

Good luck :)