Get my wife more interested in growing her hair long

[mra1984]

My wife has said that she will grow her hair as long as I want for me so I feel very lucky.. Currently it is 24" long but I hope it will get much much longer…
However, she is not very passionate about it, I mean I feel like she is doing a bit reluctantly for me maybe, it is always me that talks about it usually as I like it a lot
Anyone got any ideas how I can her to be like some of the other women on here and passionate about and enjoying growing her hair longer?
P.s. If she wanted to cut it, I would always let her as I love her so much but just wanted to someone encourage her to like it more

[Sundial]

It's not up to anyone to press our opinions upon her, she might change her mind after she sees some gorgeous hair :p
In fact, I was inspired to grow mine after seeing Emichiee's beautiful hair :cloud9: The same could happen to her if she happens to see someone with the same hair type. It's highly inspiring to see someone with the same hair type having healthy ends and nice shine/texture

[Merlin]

A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.

[Igor]

Now now, don’t be mean Merlin. I mean if she really, really wanted to cut her hair he “would let her” but just because he loves her so much…


A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.

[Toadstool]

Well, if she's reluctant, then perhaps she shouldn't do it.

[JulietCapulet]

Awww. Well, I think it's nice for a wife to do that for her husband. But if she starts to feel miserable then it's probably not worth it. Maybe you guys could find a happy medium?

[Unofficial_Rose]

A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.

Can't argue with this really! Sorry, OP :)

[Nat242]

A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.


Now now, don’t be mean Merlin. I mean if she really, really wanted to cut her hair he “would let her” but just because he loves her so much…


Well, if she's reluctant, then perhaps she shouldn't do it.

What they all said.

The fact is, growing and maintaining long hair is a commitment. It can be a fair bit of trouble, it can take a lot of experimentation and time, and there can be a steep learning curve. It can be expensive (trying new products, buying new hair tools, etc.). Once hair is long it can get in the way, it can cause painful tangles, it can be hot in the summer and cold when wet in the winter. When down it can get caught in things, when wearing it up it can be difficult to learn how to create comfortable, balanced updos, and lots of women don't feel their best with their hair pulled back from their face. Many women also face a lot of social pressure to NOT have long hair if they're past some arbitrary age. Many long hairs are harrassed about the style of their hair, about donating their hair, and by strangers wanting to touch their hair. Long hair can clog drains and vacuum cleaners and generally make cleaning more difficult. Long hair gets caught in jewellery, which can hurt you and damage your jewellery. Long hair can limit your choices (depending on hair type and resilience) when it comes to colouring and styling. Long hair (or perhaps more correctly, the pursuit of it) can make scalp issues more difficult to manage and can exacerbate other skin issues (like acne).

Those things can be pretty burdensome, even when you LOVE long hair and are excited about growing it.

So no, I don't think I can help your wife become more enthusiastic about growing her hair. She's growing it for you and not for herself. Think about what you've asked her to do.

[JulietCapulet]

A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.

The OP seems like he just wants some support. He seems pretty peaceful about this.

[Katze]

gosh, my husband is also 'reluctant' to take better care of his hair, and all i can do is show him a good example, put conditioner and leave-in where he can see them, and help him 'de-dread' once a month or so. He is VERY stubborn, so nagging him only produces the opposite reaction. Maybe your partner is the same.

If you love someone, you don't really care what they look like. I would LIKE my husband to dress a bit tidier and comb his hair/trim his beard more often, but you know what? Men who spend TOO much time on their appearance are, IMO, often not the nicest guys, and my DH is a gem, so really I don't want to change him at all.

If like me you just want to show your partner off, well, perhaps explaining to her why this means so much to you (and being willing to do something YOU don't like or want for HER in exchange) would be the best way to go?

Katze, who loves her DH with combed hair in a suit, but has seen him like this a total of three times, one of which was our wedding!

[Marjolein]

Yes, it's your passion, not hers. So, I'm afraid you just won't get her very exited about it. But still, perhaps she would enjoy joining the LHC, and talking to us about her hair and the pressure she's feeling to grow it out :p :D. Sorry, all serious again. She really might be inspired by seeing some beautiful heads of long hair in her hairtype. Then again, she might not. And if that's the case, you should leave her alone about it, I think.

[Nat242]

The OP seems like he just wants some support. He seems pretty peaceful about this.

If his wife wants support in her long hair journey she is more than welcome to join the site.

Perhaps it's un-neighbourly of me, but I'm always a bit wary of people who join this site to talk about their SO's hair.

[09robiha]

Can't argue with this really! Sorry, OP :)

sorry but +1

[enfys]

You answered your own question. She is growing it out for you so she is doing it reluctantly for you. Also, what is there to growing out hair? Just don't cut it. My DH's hair is more a topic of conversation than mine because his is a short style that grows out and needs more attention. I don't particularly like it but he won't go through winter with a buzz cut for my sake, it's his head that would be cold not mine. Just like it's your wifes hair that would be wet for hours and in buns that may cause headaches and all the other things already mentioned. Having long hair can be hard and I wouldn't do it for anyone else.

Why does your wifes hair being long matter to you so much? If my DH started on at me to cut my hair I would think he was telling me I'm unattractive. You should feel lucky to have got this far. Your wife seems very accommodating.


My wife has said that she will grow her hair as long as I want for me so I feel very lucky.. Currently it is 24" long but I hope it will get much much longer…
However, she is not very passionate about it, I mean I feel like she is doing a bit reluctantly for me maybe, it is always me that talks about it usually as I like it a lot
Anyone got any ideas how I can her to be like some of the other women on here and passionate about and enjoying growing her hair longer?
P.s. If she wanted to cut it, I would always let her as I love her so much but just wanted to someone encourage her to like it more

[LouLaLa]

If she wants to join LHC great, but if its not her passion then I cant agree with helping.

"Letting" her cut it implies she needs permission, for me LHC is about the individuals choice not encouraging others to do things.

LHC is about empowerment not coercion etc.

[Lamb]

A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.

This. :thumbsup:

[maria_asa]

Why don't you show her LHC and see if she wants to become a member?

I'm sorry but I don't think it will work if she's just growing her hair for you. Growing your hair long takes such a long time and I'd think it's very hard to keep it up if you're not doing it for your self.

[TiaKitty]

Take her to see Tangled when it comes out in your area?

[Cleopatra18]

I dont see the problem in wanting her to have long hair,it doesnt seem to me that he's forcing her at all.personally I think it's really great.If she didnt like it and wanted to say no,she would have already did and she could still do at any time.
by saying "letting her cut it" I'm pretty sure he just meant that he wouldnt have a problem with it,not "give her permission".
even if she was doing it just for him,we all do stuff to our SOs.There's really no diffrence here.
as for encouraging her,showing her pics of lovely members here will defenitely help imo,also maybe getting her pretty hair toys and doing nice styles for her.
also having long hair can be very high maintanence sometimes,so I think if you some days do her hair care maybe (this is just my opinion as a hair obssesed person :p),or maybe do it same time together everyday,just so she wouldnt get bored or something with it.HTH

[linda g]

In the long run, it's entirely up to her (which I'm sure the OP knows), but I think you could encourage her by complimenting her hair, brushing it for her, buying her hair toys and special conditioners (like Nightshade panacea or a Toadstool conditioner), etc.

Anything my husband compliments me on tends to encourage me to do it more (wearing green, for example. He compliments me every time I wear green, so I have been tending to buy more green items of clothing!! :D )

[mra1984]

Thanks for everyone's answers.. Linda q and Cleopatra18 (plus others) especially... your answers were really helpful and I will follow them up.. I am definitely not trying to coerce her.. she says she wants to grow her hair very long.. I am just trying to get her to be more 'into' it I guess.. as I really love it on her.. she is Chinese and so the long hair style really really suits her so much..and having it very long makes her even more special Thanks a lot Matthew

[LHGypsyRose]

she says she wants to grow her hair very long..

In this case, I think that your trying to help her out is very sweet and thoughtful. Just be prepared, that if she were to grow very long, you are likely to be her main support. Therefore, you will at times hear moans, groans and winning. Throughout the WHOLE journey, she will occasionally need to hear how beautiful her hair is and how much you appreciate her decision to grow long. Of course there is also the possibility that one day, you will be a big part of maintaining her very long hair ie. washing, combing, helping her with snags and tangles.

Like others have suggested, maybe try to get her to join here as there are loads of good info and advice. Maybe go to the websites of some of the longer haired women on the net (I have one myself) so that she can get inspired by the pictures and get an idea of what to expect. Don't remember if we are allowed to paste links, but maybe try doing a search. Good luck! :)

[smileycat]

^ Yes, that. Tell her how beautiful she is, how beautiful her hair is, with your words and your touch if she likes to have her hair touched. She just might love her long hair as much as you do, and if not, like previously mentioned, her feelings about herself and her appearance take precedence.

[May]

Here's an idea...and don't be offended because I am being serious. If you like long hair so much why don't you grow it? :cheese:

[LouLaLa]

Thanks for everyone's answers.. Linda q and Cleopatra18 (plus others) especially... your answers were really helpful and I will follow them up.. I am definitely not trying to coerce her.. she says she wants to grow her hair very long.. I am just trying to get her to be more 'into' it I guess.. as I really love it on her.. she is Chinese and so the long hair style really really suits her so much..and having it very long makes her even more special Thanks a lot Matthew

My emphasis. If she wanted to grow it long, she would surely already be "into" doing it, and thus not require further encouragement?

[enfys]

My emphasis. If she wanted to grow it long, she would surely already be "into" doing it, and thus not require further encouragement?

Yup. There is such a thing as benign neglect, and it works well for many people. Maybe your wife would go for that rather thna time consuming treatments and complex styles.

When you say want her to be "into" is, what do you mean? What do you think she isn't doing that you would like her to?

[Tia2010]

I dont see the problem in wanting her to have long hair,it doesnt seem to me that he's forcing her at all.personally I think it's really great.If she didnt like it and wanted to say no,she would have already did and she could still do at any time.
by saying "letting her cut it" I'm pretty sure he just meant that he wouldnt have a problem with it,not "give her permission".
even if she was doing it just for him,we all do stuff to our SOs.There's really no diffrence here.
as for encouraging her,showing her pics of lovely members here will defenitely help imo,also maybe getting her pretty hair toys and doing nice styles for her.
also having long hair can be very high maintanence sometimes,so I think if you some days do her hair care maybe (this is just my opinion as a hair obssesed person :p),or maybe do it same time together everyday,just so she wouldnt get bored or something with it.HTH


I agree :) As long as when /if she decides to cut it you still give her 100% support and love :)

[HairFaerie]

I have come in contact with a lot of people with long hair that aren't "into it". They just have long hair. Period. They don't think twice about it. It's just hair to them. They don't use it as a means of vanity or showing it off or proud of it or anything like that.

Unfortunately, she may never be "into it" even if she grows it down to her knees. She might not mind having long hair but being "into it" is a whole different story.

OP, you might want to ask yourself what exactly are you looking for with her hair. Do you want her to have long hair because you like it (and so does she) and think it looks great on her, or do you want her to enjoy it, play with it, have you play with it, style it, have her hair become the focus of attention, etc.? By pinpointing what it is about the hair and the reasons you want her to grow it, you might discover something about yourself and your wife. Hopefully it can be something that brings you together if you are willing to explore a little deeper. Like I said, she may end up growing it to her knees and you still might not be happy because it is not the actual hair you are interested in, you might be interested in how she carries it...just my thoughts on this.

[sibiryachka]

If his wife wants support in her long hair journey she is more than welcome to join the site.

Perhaps it's un-neighbourly of me, but I'm always a bit wary of people who join this site to talk about their SO's hair.

This, in spades.

[spidermom]

I know it makes me feel better about my hair when somebody appreciates it, so let her know you appreciate it. But don't be like a parrot and start repeating the same things over and over again because that will lose its meaning really fast. Just notice it out loud from time to time - the shine, the way it looks. Offer to comb and/or brush it out for her when she's tired.

Yesterday afternoon I was so frustrated with my hair that I exclaimed out loud that it was time for a haircut, and my adult son said "no mom; long and flowing - that's your style." It felt so good to hear that!

[purplehaze]

My wife has said that she will grow her hair as long as I want for me so I feel very lucky.. Currently it is 24" long but I hope it will get much much longer…


I would be careful, you might give her a complex about having to have long hair for you. If its something you like and she wants to grow it fair enough, but I personally would feel uncomfortable about my husband encouraging me to grow my hair 'for him'. Perhaps if we were talking about other body parts this thread would sound alot different.... :D

[RachelRain]

I'm going to opt for the benign neglect thing too... mine always started to "get long" because I'm just lazy and don't like to pay people to cut my hair, and I only cut it when frustrated with it. Now that I've actually got a boyfriend who likes it long (and his mom, and his aunt lol), I'm more likely to just complain instead of complaining while chopping off handfuls of it.

(To be fair, I'm not nearly as into my hair as his mom and aunt... and I probably do a lot less to it than I should to keep it really nice. Maybe she's the same way?)

Maybe brush it for her sometimes, and offer to wash it for her? And I wouldn't talk about it too much - that might be counterproductive...

[ddiana1979]

My SO likes my hair very dark, because that's the way he remembers it from college. So I henndigo mostly for him, because my hair is naturally medium-dark brown anyway. I personally don't mind it either way, though I do like the fact that henna is good for your hair.

How did he get me to go through this somewhat painstaking process (basically like slathering on warm mud for a couple hours & then washing the darn stuff out by *repeatedly* rinsing)? By complimenting my hair constantly. . . noticing small changes & *always* commenting on them. He gently plays with my hair when we cuddle. He buys my earrings & hair toys to "compliment [my] dark hair". So basically, it ends up being nearly as much work for him as it is for me. ;) Most people love compliments. Many people like to have their hair brushed or softly stroked. I love having my hair washed by him, like the very romantic scene in the movie Out of Africa. In other words, don't pester her or even ask her again, now that she's agreed to it. . . just encourage with constant positive reinforcement. Oh, and perhaps take the money she would have ordinarily spent on haircuts & styling, and use it to purchase quality hair tools & toys. My haircuts were around $70 a cut, so that buys two very nice hair toys (or one *extremely* nice hair toy) a month. :D

[TrudieCat]

The title of this thread sounds like a command. I understand what you are saying, OP, but this is an issue between you and your wife. I'm not going to help you "get" her interested in something that she's not that interested in. Sorry.

[curlymarcia]

Growing out hair is a big commitment. In the forum she can finds a lot of helpful info (if she really is interested). The growing process is long and could be a lot of breakdowns. And there are some hair lengths in between that can be not flattering. Maybe a bit of motivation (watching some amazing hairs here) can help. But in case she doesn't want to, there is nothing to do.

[GoddesJourney]

I'm going to take this whole thing at face value and assume that the OP just loves his wife's hair and has asked her to let it grow. Wanting to please him, she agreed. Nothing wrong with that. If she gets over it she can always cut it back to however she wants it.

Anyway, to the OP, really it's going to be up to her. As her hair grows and hopefully she puts a little more care or a little less damage into it (I have no idea what she does or doesn't do for her hair) she will either get tired of it or fall in love with it herself. Hopefully for you she will enjoy it and really appreciate her hair. Luck of the draw for you. Just treat her like a beautiful woman every day (regardless of hair length, health, clothing, or time of the month) and I'm sure you will both find happiness one way or another.

Good luck!

[Heartwillfollow]

It would (for me) be treading a fine line not to start feeling I wasn't good looking enough for my husband and that would lead to further issues of withdrawl from the relationship..

saying that... it would depend on how my husband approached it..

That yall have talked about it and share in giving it a try I don't find a problem of expressing yourself, I would of given it a go just for a look see. Feeling confident if it isn't something she wants she can cut it back to a length she is happy with. And you would be just as happy that she gave it a try..

Having confidence she can cut it would be a positive to trying to grow.
compliments are always nice too...

[Angelica]

A Wife = your partner for life, whose ideas, opinions and desires you respect

A dress-up-doll = something made of plastic or cardboard, which is entirely passive on which you create your ideal image.

Comments like this can put people off wanting to continue on this forum. It was uncalled for, especially when some women do like their man taking an interest in their appearance.

The OP was asking for advice, there was nothing to indicate that he didn't respect her. Perhaps the lady herself doesn't want to join the forum. Long hair is her decision at the end of the day, but it is great that her husband is taking such an interest in her as well.

[BrightEyes7]

If she doesn't want long hair she shouldn't grow it, no matter how much you want her to grow it.

If she is willing to grow it have her join here, she doesn't need to post but looking around may help her find inspiration.

[TrudieCat]

Comments like this can put people off wanting to continue on this forum. It was uncalled for, especially when some women do like their man taking an interest in their appearance.

The OP was asking for advice, there was nothing to indicate that he didn't respect her. Perhaps the lady herself doesn't want to join the forum. Long hair is her decision at the end of the day, but it is great that her husband is taking such an interest in her as well.

Actually, I disagree. I felt that original post was disrespectful. I understand the desire to want to look good for a SO and I see nothing wrong with that - I want my BF to find me attractive, and vice versa. However, I don't feel it's appropriate for a person to go online looking for a cheering squad to support him/her in his desire to control an SO's appearance. The OP clearly stated in his original post that his wife was reluctant and not as excited about her hair growing journey as he was. It's not my business, or the business of any other strangers online, to help him change her mind. Sorry if my post is inflammatory in any way - it's not meant to be. But I have to be honest here. I thought Merlin's post was right on point.

I'm here to learn about hair, and share tips about hair with other like-minded people, and also make some online friends and trade stories, etc. I'm not here to assist somebody in pushing his wife to do something she's not excited about doing.

[princessp]

Comments like this can put people off wanting to continue on this forum. It was uncalled for, especially when some women do like their man taking an interest in their appearance.

The OP was asking for advice, there was nothing to indicate that he didn't respect her. Perhaps the lady herself doesn't want to join the forum. Long hair is her decision at the end of the day, but it is great that her husband is taking such an interest in her as well.

I'm not so sure. I suspend my judgement until I know if the OP's wife knows he is on here asking these questions about her. If my husband was doing this without my knowledge I would be put off and maybe even offended.

Off topic sort of: To all the LHCers does it seem like there are a lot of people posting things about/for their partners (specifically wives) on here in the last 2 day? Where are these blokes coming from? This seems a little odd and perhaps even vaguely creepy :p

ETA: Oh forget what I wrote above, it is the same poster (hair toy question).

[Eireann]

I agree with others who have said to give her lots of compliments. Also, helping her care for it (i.e. brush and wash it, put it in updos) can be fun and romantic. I enjoy my long hair, but I will be perfectly honest and say if it weren't for my DH's preference, I would have chopped it long ago! It helps keep me motivated to get feedback from him about how much he likes it. :)

[Krentje]

My wife has said that she will grow her hair as long as I want for me so I feel very lucky.. Currently it is 24" long but I hope it will get much much longer…
However, she is not very passionate about it, I mean I feel like she is doing a bit reluctantly for me maybe, it is always me that talks about it usually as I like it a lot
Anyone got any ideas how I can her to be like some of the other women on here and passionate about and enjoying growing her hair longer?
P.s. If she wanted to cut it, I would always let her as I love her so much but just wanted to someone encourage her to like it more

If you like long hair, why don't you grow it yourself?

If you respect your wife, why pushing her into something unnecessary and potentially damaging her self esteem?

24" is not so short!

Sorry if i sound disrespectful and you have by any means an earnest request.

[feralnature]

Just let her see that pics on this forum, like others have said. They are so inspiring that if she still does not want long hair, well, I would say that is that and leave it alone.

I found this site myself when I wanted sorta long hair and wanted to get it in better shape. I was so blown away by the quality and quantity of hair here and by the sudden realization that I, too, could acheive these beautiful results, that I am now on a course that I never really dreamed of. Not just long hair, but REALLY long hair and REALLY healthy hair.

[FrannyG]

Comments like this can put people off wanting to continue on this forum. It was uncalled for, especially when some women do like their man taking an interest in their appearance.

The OP was asking for advice, there was nothing to indicate that he didn't respect her. Perhaps the lady herself doesn't want to join the forum. Long hair is her decision at the end of the day, but it is great that her husband is taking such an interest in her as well.

I am sorry, but I have to disagree. No member here should ever feel put off about asking any advice regarding their own hair. On occasion, a parent may need advice regarding a child's hair if the child has lice or if the parent has a child with a vastly different hair type than their own, and I don't think any of us would look askance at that.

However, when someone is asking for advice on how to manipulate another person's interests, I find that questionable. That is my own opinion, but clearly I am not alone.


To the OP: if your wife has chosen to grow her hair long to please you, then you are a fortunate person indeed. To ask her to be as enthusiastic about it as we LHCers are just might be asking too much.

Not everyone is as interested in their hair as we are, and there's little we can do to change that, nor should we, in my opinion, .

[Cleopatra18]

I would be careful, you might give her a complex about having to have long hair for you. If its something you like and she wants to grow it fair enough, but I personally would feel uncomfortable about my husband encouraging me to grow my hair 'for him'. Perhaps if we were talking about other body parts this thread would sound alot different.... :D
that's a really good point,but what's the difference really? Haven't anyone's SO ever asked them to do something special for them? if your SO likes a certain piece of clothing,woudn't you wear it just for him,or like someone said,a certain colour?ever went to a friend's party for example just to make your SO happy even though you hate this person? or watch a lousy tv show just because he likes it? I mean it's really all the same.From how people are acting here all the above situations are considered as "forcing" and abusing one's self decisions.Honest to God it's alot simpler than that.
OP's post started with "she said",she's the one who decided that,and only then the OP decided to encourage her into it.My mother tells me all the time she wants to grow her shoulder length bleached hair long,but she doesn't and wouldn't do anything for it because of lack of encouragment,and that's what the OP is trying to provide.
Having long hair isn't that hard.The hard part is the proper knowledge of care which obviously he's going to provide.besides that,hair care can be as simple as putting the hair up everyday.period.
ANY girl would be more than happy having her SO interested in her appearance.


Comments like this can put people off wanting to continue on this forum. It was uncalled for, especially when some women do like their man taking an interest in their appearance.

The OP was asking for advice, there was nothing to indicate that he didn't respect her. Perhaps the lady herself doesn't want to join the forum. Long hair is her decision at the end of the day, but it is great that her husband is taking such an interest in her as well.
ITA with this.I was extremely surprised reading the first responses,especially that LHC is known for not being judging in any way.


If you like long hair, why don't you grow it yourself?

If you respect your wife, why pushing her into something unnecessary and potentially damaging her self esteem?

24" is not so short!

Sorry if i sound disrespectful and you have by any means an earnest request.
If it would damage her self esteem she wouldnt be ready to do it,and the OP himself wouldnt ask her to do it.
I honestly feel like alot of people accusing OP with a high degree of selfishness,at a time I found his post to be very nice towards his wife.He said he feels very lucky and explained how much he loves her,and in the second post he repeatedly explained that he's just trying to be supportive.It's obviously something they would both love.Thats not what a selfish person would say,nor someone who forces his wife into stuff she doesn't like.
It's really ironic how people here complain all the time of unsupportive SOs,families,friends etc and when someone actually wants to help his partner,he gets attacked like this.
People act as if her decision of growing her hair long (again,just for him) is a bad thing.IMO,It just seems like a loving and sweet thing from her to do,and indication of a good marriage and relationship between them.

[Fractalsofhair]

Grow your hair long if you want long hair!

Otherwise, let her be. It's one thing to express a preference, but 24 inches is still conventionally long.

[Toadstool]

It's obviously something they would both love.


Why do you think this when he says:
"However, she is not very passionate about it, I mean I feel like she is doing a bit reluctantly for me maybe, it is always me that talks about it usually as I like it a lot"

[dropinthebucket]

"Let her"! "Let her"??? Doesn't that just say it.

Merlin wasn't being mean at all, just calling a spade a spade. If any SO of mine ever said he would "let me ...." he'd get a dressing down he wouldn't soon forget - yeah, you can "let me" find someone who doesn't think they're in control of what I can or cannot do, that's what you can "let me" do! Thought we left this kind of thing behind in the 18th Century - guess not. :(

[Cleopatra18]

she says she wants to grow her hair very long.. I am just trying to get her to be more 'into' it I guess.. as I really love it on her.. she is Chinese and so the long hair style really really suits her so much..and having it very long makes her even more special
Thats why I said they would both enjoy it.
PS: I'm a feminist and I know that for a fact,but even despite that I don't find the OP selfish or bossing around his wife in any way.I have seen alot of men "ordering" their wives what to do with their lives and this is defenitly no where near it.

[yotaka]

I'm in agreement that the best advice to be given is to have her join LHC or have her talk to women that have healthy long hair so she can see if it is something the she can be excited about. Otherwise, there is absolutely nothing to do. Nothing.

Forgot to mention... All my life my mother has tried me to get interested in my appearance and be more "girly". Growing up as a teen I was a mega tomboy and wasn't interested in this kind of stuff at all. But somehow I have naturally been able to strike a balance between being girly and masculine since I have become older. I LOVE things like changing my nail polish, fixing my hair, using natural face masks, going to spas... et cetera. It is not good to force things. If it is meant to happen it will usually unfold on it's own with mild to no encouragement.

[Roseate]

To the OP: if your wife has chosen to grow her hair long to please you, then you are a fortunate person indeed. To ask her to be as enthusiastic about it as we LHCers are just might be asking too much.

I agree. She's agreed to grow her hair for you: enjoy that, and let her know how much you appreciate it. Be content with the hair, the enthusiasm will either follow or it won't; no use trying to force it! Fortunately for you, hair grows at the same rate, regardless of how the grower feels about it.

Perhaps there's something that your wife wants from you that you can do for her in return?

[<3OnHerSleeve]

I agree with Roseate.

My opinion is that its great that she wants to please you in this way. However, if she really does not like long hair, a happy medium may be the best way. Also the idea to ask her if there's something that she'd prefer to see in you would show mutual affection and respect for each other, quite possibly as a compromise.

That being said, I agree with possibly getting her interested in joining LHC. After I joined I changed my mind about how long I thought I could grow my hair and how long I wanted it to grow.

Good luck, and I hope u both can strike a balance and be happy about all of this :)

[Tressie]

I know it makes me feel better about my hair when somebody appreciates it, so let her know you appreciate it. But don't be like a parrot and start repeating the same things over and over again because that will lose its meaning really fast. Just notice it out loud from time to time - the shine, the way it looks. Offer to comb and/or brush it out for her when she's tired.

Yesterday afternoon I was so frustrated with my hair that I exclaimed out loud that it was time for a haircut, and my adult son said "no mom; long and flowing - that's your style." It felt so good to hear that!


Sorry for the hijack, but I had to say that was very sweet!! :)

[princessp]

Sorry for the hijack, but I had to say that was very sweet!! :)

Double hijack--Aww I missed that, I agree it is really sweet. :)

[Bene]

You know, being "into it" doesn't make it grow faster or longer or anything :laugh: She agreed to do it, what more could you want?


It's her head, the only thing she needs to do with it is whatever she wants. I'm just as bothered by this as if it were a "Get my wife more interested in keeping her hair short" thread. A person's hair is nobody's business but their own.

[jojo]

well as the old saying goes you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink and all together now (cant believe nobodys said this already!) your wifes not here to decorate your world!

If your wife wants long hair thats fine, ask her if she would like to join, if she doesnt buy her a wig for special occasions and maybe grow your own!

[picklepie]

. Long hair (or perhaps more correctly, the pursuit of it) can make scalp issues more difficult to manage and can exacerbate other skin issues (like acne).

Those things can be pretty burdensome, even when you LOVE long hair and are excited about growing it.
.

Thank you for pointing this out (among all your other great points). Sometimes I despair of finding a way to have long hair without terrible skin in exchange, and like there's something wrong with ME... reassuring to hear others say it's just something people deal with.

--hijack over--

[Tiina]

I'm just going to ignore the arguing.

To be honest there is not much to talk about regarding hair. Even if you look around this forum you will notice that most of the threads are started by people who have not found a haircare routine that works, are having problems/need support with their hair or have reached some milestone. Members who have already found what works for them do not post much about their own hair but mostly give advice to others, or post in other subforums on the site. As for milestones... Well, it can take years before a person reaches from one to another. The fact that your wife doesn't appear to give her hair much attention might mean she is content with it as it is and there simply isn't anything she needs to talk about or do in regards of her hair.

My husband loves long hair and very much wants me to grow it long, yet the longest conversation we had about it lasted for about 2 minutes (I was explaining why we have coconut oil when neither of us can stand eating anything coconutty). However, he does encourage me in a way. Just knowing that he likes my hair and likes that it will be longer makes me more confident in the sometimes awkward growing process. And of course, compliments always make a woman happier. :) I also like it when he strokes it or plays with it. What I am trying to say is, showing your wife that you enjoy her hair can be great support and motivation.

I would be wary of offering to style or brush/comb her hair though. Some women feel uncomfortable about someone else doing it. If you want to try, start small like making a braid or something like that instead of some complicated 'do and keep a close eye on how relaxed she appears.

You can also buy her some hairtoys but if you want her to try some products or treatments, talk to her first as she may have tried it before and not liked the results.

But whatever you do and whatever she does to her hair, appreciate the whole of her and don't hesitate to let her know. :)

[Toadstool]

It's her head, the only thing she needs to do with it is whatever she wants. I'm just as bothered by this as if it were a "Get my wife more interested in keeping her hair short" thread. A person's hair is nobody's business but their own.

Thank you Bene, that's what I wanted to say but hadn't quite found the words. To me it's like saying "Get my wife more interested in wearing sexy lingerie." IMO in a partnership of equals, neither member should try to "get" the other to change anything, unless it is damaging to them or the relationship.

[30isthenewblack]

Comments like this can put people off wanting to continue on this forum. It was uncalled for, especially when some women do like their man taking an interest in their appearance.

The OP was asking for advice, there was nothing to indicate that he didn't respect her. Perhaps the lady herself doesn't want to join the forum. Long hair is her decision at the end of the day, but it is great that her husband is taking such an interest in her as well.

I agree with this comment 100%.

[LHGypsyRose]

I am surprised to see this thread going on and on with people seeming to think they have the right to judge or assume they know other peoples situation. I feel sorry for this guy and it's no wonder he hasn't come back and said anything lately! This is a hair care forum is it not? People come here to get advice on hair, regardless of why. The OP didn't come here asking what everyone thinks about him, wanting his wife, to grow her hair long!

Some of the answers on here are completely uncalled for and are maybe even verging on sounding like jealous, stuck up teens! Everyone is entitled to their own opinions...but when it comes to judging someone else and their situation, maybe it's best kept to yourself.

[Toadstool]

maybe even verging on sounding like jealous, stuck up teens!

I beg your pardon? :confused:
What exactly do you think people are jealous of??

[princessp]

I am surprised to see this thread going on and on with people seeming to think they have the right to judge or assume they know other peoples situation. I feel sorry for this guy and it's no wonder he hasn't come back and said anything lately! This is a hair care forum is it not? People come here to get advice on hair, regardless of why. The OP didn't come here asking what everyone thinks about him, wanting his wife, to grow her hair long!

Some of the answers on here are completely uncalled for and are maybe even verging on sounding like jealous, stuck up teens! Everyone is entitled to their own opinions...but when it comes to judging someone else and their situation, maybe it's best kept to yourself.

Okay I sort of see what you are saying. And since I haven't really weighed in truthfully, I admit feeling a wee bad for him too (I'm sure he didn't expect this response). But in defense of how people here are reacting he didn't ask a hair question. I have never seen this kind of response to a newbie who has a hair question so I don't believe LHC to be an unwelcoming place. The reason why he is getting these responses is his question sounded like he was asking how he can change his wife. So if there is any judging going on it is based on the information the OP gave us nothing more. From reading a few past threads on the subject I also think some are weary of a member who is not here for their own hair growth. Although I have not witnessed this first-hand I believe hair ****** is a concern for some and so I believe some are being a bit cautious because of this possibility.

I really don't see how or why anyone would be jealous (I'm not even sure what you are referring to). Folks are simply putting forth the perspective that many of us hold (we long hairs are not here to decorate your world). So while it may seem harsh I think all of those comments were valid and completely relevant to the OP's original question. I believe everyone here would kindly welcome his wife (or him if he decides to grow his hair).

[aenflex]

I am surprised to see this thread going on and on with people seeming to think they have the right to judge or assume they know other peoples situation. I feel sorry for this guy and it's no wonder he hasn't come back and said anything lately.

I agree there. But he did come back and post another message about how can he/his wife stop the annoying shedding she is having. Unless that was an earlier thread but I don't think so.

I tried to be objective and not reply to this thread, because I didn't want to hurt this fellow's feelings. But at the same time if you come to forum of 98&#37; women and ask how you can 'get yor wife to do something', you do sorta open yourself up to lots of opinions.

[Toadstool]

I believe everyone here would kindly welcome his wife (or him if he decides to grow his hair).
Absolutely.:)

[sibiryachka]

Okay I sort of see what you are saying. And since I haven't really weighed in truthfully, I admit feeling a wee bad for him too (I'm sure he didn't expect this response). But in defense of how people here are reacting he didn't ask a hair question. I have never seen this kind of response to a newbie who has a hair question so I don't believe LHC to be an unwelcoming place. The reason why he is getting these responses is his question sounded like he was asking how he can change his wife. So if there is any judging going on it is based on the information the OP gave us nothing more. From reading a few past threads on the subject I also think some are weary of a member who is not here for their own hair growth. Although I have not witnessed this first-hand I believe hair ****** is a concern for some and so I believe some are being a bit cautious because of this possibility.

I really don't see how or why anyone would be jealous (I'm not even sure what you are referring to). Folks are simply putting forth the perspective that many of us hold (we long hairs are not here to decorate your world). So while it may seem harsh I think all of those comments were valid and completely relevant to the OP's original question. I believe everyone here would kindly welcome his wife (or him if he decides to grow his hair).

I think you nailed it, princessp. My own reaction to the OP was suspicion, and I'll admit it was a bit of a knee-jerk, but that was because his question sounded exactly like ones you find on "Savage Love" every week!

"My partner is willing to indulge my - ahem - quirk, but she's not really into it. How can I get her to dig it more?"

The overall reaction I've seen to the OP's original question suggests to me that I'm not the only one that caught a whiff of squickiness. I'm willing to admit that may have been a misinterpretation, but I stand by my intuition until further evidence proves it wrong.

[Intransigentia]

I think you nailed it, princessp. My own reaction to the OP was suspicion, and I'll admit it was a bit of a knee-jerk, but that was because his question sounded exactly like ones you find on "Savage Love" every week!

"My partner is willing to indulge my - ahem - quirk, but she's not really into it. How can I get her to dig it more?"


That's how I felt too. I can imagine ways of coming on here asking for advice about one's partner's hair that are non-squicky, and they pretty much all include some indication that the reason they're here is that the partner in question has expressed some kind of interest or concern about their hair and they want to help. NOT "get my wife to".

Not to mention, if your partner is doing something to please you, and you're complaining that s/he's not into it enough, that's kindof control-freakish in my opinion. It's not enough that she does it, she has to like it, too. And if she doesn't like it enough, it's not the "something" that's the problem, it's her lack of enthusiasm? Ick.

On top of that, (I'm really good at jumping to questionable conclusions from insufficient data, so take this for what it's worth) the user name combined with details provided made me suspicious. "MRA" can stand for Men's Rights Activist. Among other things, many Men's Rights Activists believe feminism has gone too far and Western women have become uppity and unattractive as a result. They often advocating getting mail-order brides from poorer parts of the world, and particularly ******ise Asian women for their supposed submissiveness. Add that to "get my wife to..." anything, and my ick radar starts pinging.

[MsBubbles]

To the op: carefully-worded compliments always work on me. I started to grow my hair long partially because my S.O. repeatedly told me how nice it looked - even when it was 'short'. This gave me permission to go on my long hair journey when the time was right for me.

Each time I came back from the hairdressers with it cut back up to my chin, and highlighted, he would say 'It looks great! And I love it when it's longer too!'. That sounds stupid now that I write it down, but he'd always say it with kindness and with a smile on his face. Nothing negative at all. This approach might help. But frankly there's nothing you can really do or say to force another person to feel the way you do about something if they don't.

[Spike]

When you say want her to be "into" it, what do you mean? What do you think she isn't doing that you would like her to?

Yah, ditto this. What do you want from her and long hair? Is it the material that interests you, or the care/maintenance, or the styles, or ???

My hub grew his hair out years ago because he liked the way it looked on me, and he wanted to try it out.

But he never got into the care and feeding of long hair--no conditioner, when brushing he'd just riiiiip through the tangles, he rubs it dry like he's trying to wax a car . . . so you long-time members can imagine what's been happening.

I wished he'd be more "into it" in terms of care/feeding. His grey is beautiful; snow white at both temples on a brown/black ground, so if he was willing to put a tiny bit more into his routine, it could be stunning.

He's actually conditioning from the ears down now. There may yet be hope!

[Katurday]

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to look nice for your spouse or S/O. I think relationships are about give and take - his wife honestly doesn't seem like the type who really cares about long hair (and this just in, MANY PEOPLE DON'T. Like me for example. I think its pretty, but its not a priority.). Just by him ASKING how to make her happier with the growing out process means he's not selfish - selfish people pretty much force others into their will and don't care about hurt feelings etc.

With me and my DBF, we mostly keep our appearances how the other likes it, with a lot of gray area. I love to not wear makeup (I also love to wear it), but when I wear my dramatic eyes, he always goes rather funny with the compliments. At the end of the day, when I don't feel like doing it, I don't feel an ounce of pressure, but its always nice to know a certain thing is appreciated. Similarly, I grew out my hair for him, it got damaged and I cut it. Now he loves it either way. He cut his hair for (what he thought) me, but all along he preferred his old asymmetrical style. Turns out, so did I. Now he's growing it out.

I genuinely don't think its a big deal, then again I come from a relationship where we don't make a mountain outta a molehill and there's plenty of communication. I'm not denying that this could be some class A butt-face who is pressuring his poor wife, but he hardly seems to fit the bill with his responses. To the OP: I suggest you investigate her style and try to make it seem that long hair suits it. If she likes flowers, buy her flower pins, and beautiful hair sticks. If she's edgy, show her an awesome choppy long cut. Long hair is an easy thing to like. Also, offer to gently comb her hair every night, or do her deep treatments, or help her dye or whatever she feels is good. Learn to trim! A lot of dislike for long hair comes from the pressure of maintaining it.

[RachelRain]

I have to say, regarding the posts that are all incredulous at the 'let her' comment... my boyfriend says that all the time, and at least for us, it has nothing to do with control. In our case, he knows I have a goal, if I cut it, it'll be that much longer for me to reach it and as such he won't let me cut it because he knows I'll get annoyed with myself. Maybe it's similar in some aspect for the op and his wife. Who knows, unless he tells us.

Who's to say that just because we don't like the wording in the op, that he's a control freak? I'll admit maybe he could have thought about it and rewritten some of it, but still... we don't need to jump to conclusions that he's some kind of jerk who's trying to make his wife grow her hair... she did, after all, agree to do it, according to him, and I'd assume she's free to change her mind at any time, whether the op likes it or not.

Just thought I'd throw that out there.

[Aria]

It doesn't sound like to me that the original poster's forcing or nagging her too much into this. To me it sounds like he's just phrasing it as it came to his head. I also think there is a margin where it's alright if you're doing something you wouldn't normally do to make someone you love happy. My dear beloved keeps hair short partially for professionalism reasons and partially for me, but it's not like it makes him miserable. I'm a lazy dresser; jeans and muted basics are my go-tos but here and there I try to slip on a skirt or a bright color because he seems to like them.

mra1984, from what I understand, you recognize your wife is willing to do this for you, and not for herself. Therefore, the most important thing is that you recognize the gesture. Right now, or the next time you see her, walk up to her, take her hands, and tell her exactly how happy you are that she's willing to take this on when it is potentially much more work than her current style. Make sure she knows what else it is you think is beautiful about her, inside and out--if all you compliment is the hair you've asked her to grow, she may feel like you don't notice anything else about her.

If it doesn't bother her, pamper it yourself, too. Buy her hairtoys if they work for her (I strongly suggest asking LHC for opinions unless you are very educated about what works and is comfortable), give her the scalp massage if that ends up being part of her hair routine, gently help her comb and even style it if you know how to do it in a way she likes.

Show her, too. Take her up to a mirror, show her how elegant it looks falling down her back or twisted up, the rich color, the silken sheen, whatever it is that you think is beautiful about it.

But most importantly, remain sensitive to her feelings. Even if you've gone through the effort of learning a bun to put her hair into, if she doesn't like it, take it down. Suggest another if you genuinely think it might help, but don't come off like you're cornering her. Whatever you do, don't get so wrapped up in seeing the pretty hair that you miss signs of dissatisfaction. If she ends up seeming really frustrated, or never warming much to the idea, let her know you'll love her just as much however her hair is and thank her for putting up with it for the time she did. And try to reciprocate, if she likes you to handle your appearance a certain way.

[HintOfMint]

That's how I felt too. I can imagine ways of coming on here asking for advice about one's partner's hair that are non-squicky, and they pretty much all include some indication that the reason they're here is that the partner in question has expressed some kind of interest or concern about their hair and they want to help. NOT "get my wife to".

Not to mention, if your partner is doing something to please you, and you're complaining that s/he's not into it enough, that's kindof control-freakish in my opinion. It's not enough that she does it, she has to like it, too. And if she doesn't like it enough, it's not the "something" that's the problem, it's her lack of enthusiasm? Ick.

On top of that, (I'm really good at jumping to questionable conclusions from insufficient data, so take this for what it's worth) the user name combined with details provided made me suspicious. "MRA" can stand for Men's Rights Activist. Among other things, many Men's Rights Activists believe feminism has gone too far and Western women have become uppity and unattractive as a result. They often advocating getting mail-order brides from poorer parts of the world, and particularly ******ise Asian women for their supposed submissiveness. Add that to "get my wife to..." anything, and my ick radar starts pinging.

My misogynist radar went off too for these reasons.

[melikai]

It doesn't matter now, as the OP is banned, but I really thought people went way over the top with their responses to a relatively straight forward question.

What nobody seemed to think of is that maybe his wife didn't join and ask these questions herself because she is Chinese, and perhaps doesn't know English very well?

Why do people jump so easily to "this person (almost always male, I might add) is a creepy controlling ******ist" rather than "this guy is honestly trying to help his wife with her hair". It's depressing how cynical the world has become.

[FrannyG]

It doesn't matter now, as the OP is banned, but I really thought people went way over the top with their responses to a relatively straight forward question.

What nobody seemed to think of is that maybe his wife didn't join and ask these questions herself because she is Chinese, and perhaps doesn't know English very well?

Why do people jump so easily to "this person (almost always male, I might add) is a creepy controlling ******ist" rather than "this guy is honestly trying to help his wife with her hair". It's depressing how cynical the world has become.

Melikai, I agree with you that it's depressing, but please understand that a lot of us have been around here for long enough to hear alarm bells going off when someone isn't quite on the up and up. I honestly don't know how better to explain it.

While I believe in giving someone the benefit of the doubt in most cases, there are times when my gut tells me that something is wrong. Clearly others feel the same way, and usually at the same time.

Myself, I believe I gave the OP a very respectful answer, despite my gut reaction to the original post.

Also, I must add that I feel that the genuine men of LHC are treated extremely well for the most part, and often are doted on. This is not an anti-male forum as far as I can see.

[Nae]

Melikai, I agree with you that it's depressing, but please understand that a lot of us have been around here for long enough to hear alarm bells going off when someone isn't quite on the up and up. I honestly don't know how better to explain it.

While I believe in giving someone the benefit of the doubt in most cases, there are times when my gut tells me that something is wrong. Clearly others feel the same way, and usually at the same time.

Myself, I believe I gave the OP a very respectful answer, despite my gut reaction to the original post.

Also, I must add that I feel that the genuine men of LHC are treated extremely well for the most part, and often are doted on. This is not an anti-male forum as far as I can see.


For sure! I have to admit, I am quite fond of many of our male LHCers. They are knowledgeable, funny and keep us on our toes. They really add so much to our boards!! This place wouldn't be near so fun without all our fellas!!

[Ursula]

that's a really good point,but what's the difference really? Haven't anyone's SO ever asked them to do something special for them? if your SO likes a certain piece of clothing,woudn't you wear it just for him,or like someone said,a certain colour?ever went to a friend's party for example just to make your SO happy even though you hate this person? or watch a lousy tv show just because he likes it? I mean it's really all the same.From how people are acting here all the above situations are considered as "forcing" and abusing one's self decisions.Honest to God it's alot simpler than that.
OP's post started with "she said",she's the one who decided that,and only then the OP decided to encourage her into it.My mother tells me all the time she wants to grow her shoulder length bleached hair long,but she doesn't and wouldn't do anything for it because of lack of encouragment,and that's what the OP is trying to provide.

If the OP's wife wants to grow long hair to please him, but isn't interested in it herself, then she might come here and explain that she's growning long hair because her SO finds it attractive, and that she's not so caught up in the idea herself, so she wants ideas to make this easy.

In which case, we could respond to her, and support her in this desire.

And the appropriate response would be "if you think you'll be happier, overall, by doing this, there are ways to make it easier, but if you don't want to do this, and feel pressured, it's a warning sign that someone is trying to manipulate you, and you have our support for doing what you need to feel safe and happy and secure in your person, and there is help available if you are finding this a problem."

But when it is someone coming here and asking about how to change what their spouse is doing, or worse, how their spouse feels about something related to their own body that they are doing not for their own sake but for the spouse's, then it is an entirely different situation.

The question here is "this person doesn't want to do something, but I want them to do it, and I want them to be happy about doing it, so how do I rewire their brain?"

[FrannyG]

If the OP's wife wants to grow long hair to please him, but isn't interested in it herself, then she might come here and explain that she's growning long hair because her SO finds it attractive, and that she's not so caught up in the idea herself, so she wants ideas to make this easy.

In which case, we could respond to her, and support her in this desire.

And the appropriate response would be "if you think you'll be happier, overall, by doing this, there are ways to make it easier, but if you don't want to do this, and feel pressured, it's a warning sign that someone is trying to manipulate you, and you have our support for doing what you need to feel safe and happy and secure in your person, and there is help available if you are finding this a problem."

But when it is someone coming here and asking about how to change what their spouse is doing, or worse, how their spouse feels about something related to their own body that they are doing not for their own sake but for the spouse's, then it is an entirely different situation.

The question here is "this person doesn't want to do something, but I want them to do it, and I want them to be happy about doing it, so how do I rewire their brain?"

I couldn't agree more. I'm trying to imagine if we were on a different board, let's say, The Beauty Bottle, our sister site, and a SO came and asked us to help him get his wife to wear more makeup and be excited about it. I have a feeling that those who are defending the OP's post would be less understanding.

[Igor]

If the OP's wife wants to grow long hair to please him, but isn't interested in it herself, then she might come here and explain that she's growning long hair because her SO finds it attractive, and that she's not so caught up in the idea herself, so she wants ideas to make this easy.

In which case, we could respond to her, and support her in this desire.

And the appropriate response would be "if you think you'll be happier, overall, by doing this, there are ways to make it easier, but if you don't want to do this, and feel pressured, it's a warning sign that someone is trying to manipulate you, and you have our support for doing what you need to feel safe and happy and secure in your person, and there is help available if you are finding this a problem."

But when it is someone coming here and asking about how to change what their spouse is doing, or worse, how their spouse feels about something related to their own body that they are doing not for their own sake but for the spouse's, then it is an entirely different situation.

The question here is "this person doesn't want to do something, but I want them to do it, and I want them to be happy about doing it, so how do I rewire their brain?"

Ah, Ursula, I don’t think you have ever posted anything I didn’t agree with.

On a personal note I feel for OPs wife. I was pretty much there myself, believe it or not. I was (stupid enough to) date a guy who kept wanting to change my physical appearance.
Now of course I know that was incredibly stupid to not see as a warning sign. One thing is personal preference and wanting to “look pretty” for your spouse, but the desire needs to come from within yourself and not from reluctantly bending to his or hers will to keep the peace.
Besides, I believe that true love is almost blind that way. Personally, I have a hubby that is so not my “usual type” physically, but its not something I would ever even as much as tease him about. It’s not something he can change (easily at least) and since it’s a part of him, which I love dearly, I don’t think I want him to. I also think he prefers petite brunettes, which I’m definitely not!
Anyways, in the other relationship the guy decided there were 3 things he didn’t like: My long hair, my paleness and me being too thin. At that time I (foolishly) thought it was “a compromise” if I started tanning and kept my hair and thinness (How gracious of him to accept that compromise of such a repulsive creature as me, huh?) so I started tanning outside and using self tanning lotion as well. I don’t really want to get into details about it, but the relationship ended very, very badly with him being paranoidly (Is that a word?) controlling.

My point with this is, that the boyfriend then could easily have posted on a tanning forum (if such a thing exists) that “Get my girlfriend more interested in tanning”. I’m absolutely sure he would tell himself and other people “Oh, she totally wants to tan!” when in reality I really didn’t.
In his delusional little world, it was something I did happily to make myself more attractive to him.
In my delusional little world of a “happy relationship” I thought it would make him happy and get him off my back about my two other “unattractive points”.
In reality it worked as a “Oh, she gave up on resisting what I wanted with her skin so I just need to nag her more about the hair too”.
It’s not a compromise if you don’t want to. Its not a good relationship if you do things reluctantly for the other person and (s)he then proceeds to look for information on how to pressure you further.

Yea, this thread raised multiple red flags for me both personally and not.

[Unofficial_Rose]

I do think that if the OP had been female, and it had been "How can I get my boyfriend more interested in growing his hair?" that the answers would have been quite similar, i.e. that he is not a dress-up doll, but a person with his own mind and preferences. LHC-ers are quite an easy-going bunch on the whole. And plenty of LHC-ers are men. We're hardly some kind of feminazi board.

[Sunsailing]

It doesn't matter now, as the OP is banned, but I really thought people went way over the top with their responses to a relatively straight forward question.

I agree that some (not all) possibly mistook his intentions. I read all eight of his posts....don't understand why he was banned.


Why do people jump so easily to "this person (almost always male, I might add) is a creepy controlling ******ist" rather than "this guy is honestly trying to help his wife with her hair". It's depressing how cynical the world has become.
I understand to a certain extent. I think that the poor choice of words upset some. He probably didn't proofread what he wrote prior to posting it. Writing something in email, on the Net, etc.. is tricky, because it can be so easily misinterpreted.


.

[Merlin]

...don't understand why he was banned.



I suspect that possibly the moderator team have access to more information about people who post that we do, and can perhaps cross-check that against other online activities they may pursue.

The same way that I have far more access to information about that my users do on the network than other people - sometimes this means I know things which are not common knowledge and which feed into other wider decisions which get made

[Igor]

I suspect that possibly the moderator team have access to more information about people who post that we do, and can perhaps cross-check that against other online activities they may pursue.

The same way that I have far more access to information about that my users do on the network than other people - sometimes this means I know things which are not common knowledge and which feed into other wider decisions which get made

Or he sent angry PMs to someone who disagreed with him. Or asked for “more picture inspiration” in PMs from someone who wanted to help him. The community will never know those things

[Fairlight63]

I think that the whole thing seems kind of weird to me. He kept asking things like finding a silk pillowcase for his wife, hair toys for his wife, help with her scalp, etc.

Where is she? why isn't she asking these questions? he seems just too involved in her hair to me. Maybe he doesn't have a job & doesn't have anything else to do but worry about her hair.
My DH doesn't pay any attention to my hair, he is too busy with his interests (sports, hunting, etc.)

Just seems weird to me.

[princessp]

I think that the whole thing seems kind of weird to me. He kept asking things like finding a silk pillowcase for his wife, hair toys for his wife, help with her scalp, etc.

Where is she? why isn't she asking these questions? he seems just too involved in her hair to me. Maybe he doesn't have a job & doesn't have anything else to do but worry about her hair.
My DH doesn't pay any attention to my hair, he is too busy with his interests (sports, hunting, etc.)

Just seems weird to me.

Yeah me too. I don't really care why he was banned, I trust the moderators had a good reason. Aside from this thread I thought it was weird that he used the word hairtoy in a thread he started. The first time I heard the term was here and it took me some time to figure out what people were talking about, then more time for me to feel comfortable using it myself. Maybe I just live under a rock, but he seemed to know a lot of the hair terminology we use here as if he had been here a while...but I really don't know. I just thought a lot of what he wrote was odd too and I'm glad to see my instincts were good. I'm getting more savvy (or some may call it paranoia :p) in this regard thanks to everyone here.