Unwanted "advice/pushyness/rudeness" experience (mini rant)

[LouLaLa]

Hi gang

Ive been away a while as life is a but hectic but I decided I would post this.

I was at work today and my floor was asked to arrange charity provisions for fundraising.

I am the charity rep and decided bake sales/helping the community directly would be a good way to get out and about and teambuild while changing lives at grass roots.

Anyway a co-worker volunteered to shave his head. Then he said I should! My hair is only BSL. I said "no thanks". He looked put out and I explained im going for waist length. My co-workers seemed put out as if I was mad, I was really feeling the heat like I just said I was getting a full face tattoo.

I wasnt amused and said in any case waist length was better than a lawyer with a buzz cut in a majorly conservative firm.
He said "but you could get sponsorhip and donate it- double recovery!". I was really not amused and explained that if i wanted Victoria Beckham to have my hair, or a soulless organization to make profit off sick kids, id get on ebay.

Basically, I have read some really take the cake stories on here and thought oh how awful, but never thought itd happen to me! I know thats niave but well I dont think anyone has the right really!

1. It didnt happen in the past when I had long hair
2. Its just not something Ive really heard of in my area

I was shocked that people were so rude and that he still after it all thought I was selfish, even with all the info laid before him.

If he wants to cut thats great but I wasnt amused. My brother is having chemo and if he wanted a wig, Id do it in a heartbeat but he prefers bald as he can carry it off, but what right does a stranger have to just try push me into essentially just a circus performance under the guise of charity.

Anyway I just thought id share that as its been an annoying week for my hair- I even had someone want to look close up at my roots to see if im a real blonde (I am but really who cares?) as they didnt belive me. They were then snarky and annoying and insisted it was fake, i let it go as well that person is clearly insane but still, personal space is nice ;)

Gahhh people!

So thanks for being here everyone LHC is great, weeks like that make me love here even more :)

[angelfell]

:/ What's it to them if you don't want to cut your hair? You shouldn't even have to provide any explanation or reasoning.. it's your hair, on your head, and if you don't want to shave it off, you shouldn't be seen as selfish. He's not asking you to share cookies, he's asking you to shave off something precious to you. I think he just wanted somebody to jump on the band wagon.

[Centaur]

Yikes! The way some people act towards others. Down South, we call that a lack of "home training."

[Forever_Sophie]

Oy! Sorry that happened, but good for you - standing strong and explaining why you feel the way you do about it :) Happy growing!

[SgtMomArmy]

That is so awful and rude!!

[Capybara]

That is too bad :( My brother said the same thing (he just finished his chemo), that he didn't want me to cut my hair just because he was bald :p

Don't worry - I heard this on LHC, so can't take credit for it - but "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." :shrug: You don't have to change yourself just to make someone else contented :)

[ericthegreat]

Some people just really need to keep their noses out of other people's businesses! Its fine if he wants to shave his head, but that his own personal choice. He has no right to call you out and then embarrass you by egging you on to have your head shaved. Ugggh what a rude idiot!

[TrudieCat]

<snip>
If he wants to cut thats great but I wasnt amused. My brother is having chemo and if he wanted a wig, Id do it in a heartbeat but he prefers bald as he can carry it off, but what right does a stranger have to just try push me into essentially just a circus performance under the guise of charity.
<snip>

I'm so sorry this happened to you! Your co-worker was quite rude, IMO.

I bolded this part of your post because I think your wording was pretty great. Because, let's face it, your co-worker doesn't have cancer and didn't lose his hair as a result of chemotherapy, so his adopting the temporary "look" of a cancer patient is a performance, as you so aptly put it - it's a show based on shallow imitation of appearance rather than true empathy, understanding, or caring and helpful deeds. I personally find it insensitive for people to pretend like choosing to cut off your hair is somehow supportive of people battling cancer and dealing with the actual, painful, physically and emotionally taxing effects of cancer and chemotherapy.

ETA: I'm worried I didn't explain myself properly. I think it's very caring for people to shave their heads in support of a loved one or close friend if that loved one is ok with it and truly finds the act to be comforting. But in those cases, it's not done for the sake of an event or a public appearance. That's the big difference here.

[gretchen_hair]

I would tell him that he can make his own beauty, hygeine, clothing, food, religion, personal and all other choices and you respectfully request that he allow you the same.

What a turd. ugh!

[TinaDenali]

Don't worry - I heard this on LHC, so can't take credit for it - but "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." :shrug: You don't have to change yourself just to make someone else contented :)

I love this! Thanks for sharing that, Capybara :)

[Alvrodul]

Such utter boors! Your hair is a part of you - would he have gone after you in the same way to get you to donate a kidney "because you have a spare, and there are so many people who neeeed it". (Imagine that last bit spoken in a whiny voice). :(
I can understand that companies may have dress codes that might impact one's hair, like no purple or green hair in a conservative sort of place, or covering and confining the hair for safety or hygienic reasons, but that has nothing to do with this sort of situation!!

[lapushka]

Not that you even have to explain yourself in the first place.

Who the he** is he to talk, anyway? Besides, going bald isn't as difficult for a man as it is for a woman, socially. Men have less than half an inch to go until their hair and appearance goes back to being socially acceptable, so within a few weeks to a month he'd be fine. Women, however, need many more months to recover from being bald, especially if you need to be representable and need some sort of style cut into it (could take at least six months, if not a year).

[Shellby]

I can't imagine anyone saying something so mean! Glad you stood up for yourself. Sorry you have to deal with such a boorish person. What a lout.

[supermanok03]

luckily nobody has ever suggested that i cut my hair! it's just past waist (i don't wannnnt to trim) i don't know how i would have handled it!!

basically just ignore people like that, you don't really even need to respond to them, but you could just say something like 'nope, it's my hair, i don't want to cut it, grow your own if you feel so strongly about it' and then forget they even said it.

and if someone is snarky about your hair colour being fake, just laugh at them and ask them why it's so important for them?

it just sounds like ignorance all around you lol, good luck dealing with them, i hope they don't step out of line again!!

[estherbeth]

Urgh. That kind of thing goes way beyond rude, IMO. Kudos to you for standing up their 'advice'! I haven't received any rude remarks about my hair, but I'd probably just stand there and look at the person like they were crazy, since I'm not great with stringing words into sentences when I'm flustered.



Don't worry - I heard this on LHC, so can't take credit for it - but "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

That's a Dr. Seuss quote - my favorite one! :heartbeat

[rusika1]

I'm a big fan of the chilly reception to inappropriate comments. A disbelieving stare and an "I beg your pardon?" or a "thank you for your concern about my personal appearance" should get the message that you are Not Interested across. (Take Queen Victoria's "we are not amused" as your delivery cue.)

The important thing to remember--don't argue. Don't respond to the teasing, don't counter with facts, just don't continue that part of the conversation at all. Change the subject. If the other party persists then a firm "I believe I've made it clear that I will not discuss this further. Now can we get back to the actual purpose of this meeting?"

And if he continues after that, pick up a pair of desk scissors, walk over to him, and chop a big chunk of his hair off. (Tell him since he seemed so in love with the idea of a shaved head , you thought he might like a head start);)

[Dragon]

Sorry you had to cop that. Glad you stayed strong and stood up for your self.

[LouLaLa]

Thanks for the support everyone! It was just one of those wonderful random moments in life that confirms that LHC is necessary and has amazinglu supportive members!

So a massive thankyou for all being so fabulous!!!

ps I bought pregnancy vitamins today for my hair as they were on offer/cheaper than getting my regular ones, so thankfully the growing will go on!

Maybe I should rub some monistat on my scalp when I see him next ;)

[redkdawg]

You have my sympathy. I had a co-worker who asked me about cutting my hair and went on and on about Locks of Love. I finally had to be rude about it, despite the fact that I told her point-blank that I was not going to cut my hair.

(full story under "dumbest things said about your hair" thread

[mariika]

Anyway a co-worker volunteered to shave his head. Then he said I should! My hair is only BSL. I said "no thanks". He looked put out and I explained im going for waist length. My co-workers seemed put out as if I was mad, I was really feeling the heat like I just said I was getting a full face tattoo.
I would HATE that!! I think maybe if you were less defensive about it they wouldn't react that way. You could say firmly (and calmly :meditate:) you are not going to cut your hair and resign to no explanations. This way (psychologically) people have nothing to push them ahead, they just get a 'no' and they can't proceed anywhere from there apart from trying and giving you a reason or ten to cut it, to which you still calmly and firmly say 'no' yet again. And if you engage in discussion you get :argue:
But I know it's difficult to remain calm when you see people coming at you like that!!! :steam I feel your pain!!
They must be so jealous of your hair!!!!! (Because people don't usually get excited like that over abstract issues.)

[PrincessBob]

O my goodness! There is some interesting ideas in the world. You are lovely and positive and out to help the world trough charity and community building, but because you don't want to give up part of you, someone seems to think that you are selfish? :grouphug: You do not deserve that kind of verbal abuse.:heart: You have my support.:cheese:

[enfys]

I'd rather cakes than someone else getting a haircut.

Maybe some of your colleagues could lose something precious of their own that they are metaphorically attached to? Sell their cars maybe? That would probably raise more money. And be quicker to replace.

I'm sorry about your brother. I hope his chemo treatment can end soon :flower:

[Fiferstone]

Yikes, some people. I agree that mister pushy-pushy should be invited to donate a kidney as it will be far more valuable and meaningful to its eventual recipient than his "I'm going to shave my head" publicity stunt.

After all...he has two, and can spare one, right?

[this parallels the "it's only hair, it'll grow back" retort often given when the victim of pressure has politely said that no, they don't want to donate their hair at this time.]

[mariika]

And I have this question - so if you want my hair why do you think I don't want it??

[McFearless]

A simple "Go F*** yourself" would do.:p

[LouLaLa]

Wow thank you for the support everyone! Its been a horrid few weeks and so every comment has meant SO much and I have loved each one of them! You guys are amazing :blossom:

I think some people are just darned crazy! Ifeel bad that anyone has to go though this especially since my hair is relatively short so I never thought I was in the category where my hair was long enough to get the "oh donate it" speil.

Mariika youre right, Id never throught of it that way before, maybe if I get more hassle tomorrow ill ask him that.

I hate confrontation but I think ive just met some very odd people at work! Another guy accused me of being racist as my dbf is also blonde, because afterall you base a 4 year relationship on hair colour not kindness/love/compatibility etc. Sheesh!

Also I could cope with the comments but actual touching (the girl who needed to see my roots!) was just too far.

Thankyou SO much everyone for being here, LHC is really the best :)

[ChloeDharma]

Well touching is violating your space, especially with the tone of accusing you of deception and feeling it's her place to inspect you.....that's just mental! I'd then grab her boobs and say "so in that case i think i'll inspect your boobs to see if they are fake" then tell her basically to p!!s off.

The bloke, well i find being polite and nice can be interpreted as being a doormat. my way of dealing with that type is "i told you before, now i'm warning you....it's not happening so get stuffed and shut up"

I have no time for these people. Don't argue, don't explain yourself.....don't leave them any space to debate just tell them "no" and make it plain you are not entertaining their crap.

[bellawave]

I even had someone want to look close up at my roots to see if im a real blonde (I am but really who cares?) as they didnt belive me. They were then snarky and annoying and insisted it was fake, i let it go as well that person is clearly insane but still, personal space is nice ;)

Hah! I would have been tempted to snap back, "What, you want me to show you the carpet too?" :p

People sometimes! :rolleyes:

[Purdy Bear]

OMG These people are so annoying and so very rude. Big huggs to you.

Im an Alopecian, I don t have any hair, I dont want anyone to cut their hair for me! I think chemo patients would feel the same way. Anyone pressurises anyone to cut their hair for Alopecia patients etc really isnt thinking of the patients at all.

To see someone with beautiful healthy hair means so much more to me then seeing them cut/shave it for a wig. With wigs being so cheaply made these days and looking so real, you dont need to cut your hair.

Send that bloke to me and I'll tell him a few home truths!

[Khepri]

Yikes! It amazes me that some people are so horrible! It's your hair! Nobody has the right to tell you what to do with your hair! How would he like it if you told him he should shave just one side of his head, and dye the other half bright pink, and then treat him poorly when he adamently declines?
Good for you for standing your ground, and happy growing!

[Kat]

Ridiculous. I admit I have never understood fundraisers where you have to "do" something to get money, whether it's walking, jumping rope, shaving your head, etc. I mean, if people want to donate, they're going to donate. Why would they donate to a cause they don't believe in just because you're going to run a mile if they do? (I attribute it to people feeling like giving money isn't real charity, but they have to "do" something--hence why a lot of people would rather donate their hair to LOL even if they know it won't accomplish much, than donate money that they know will make a difference. I love to give money to charity because I figure then they can use it how they want and put it to whatever is their greatest need [which I figure they know more than me. I can give a can of peas to the food pantry, or a blanket to the animal shelter, or I can give them five bucks and they can use it to buy something they're actually short on] or can put it to their operating costs or whatever--after all, all the cases of food in the world won't do them any good if they can't keep the lights on)

I guess I'm an idealist, though. I guess it is true that somebody who might not donate otherwise may do so because they'll get to see Bob wear a tutu next week if a certain goal is reached, but people should be giving to charity because it's a good thing to do, not because there's some stupid gimmick involved.

And for heaven's sake. A man shaving his head means he'll have a common haircut. Asking a woman to shave her head and sport a buzz cut is totally different. For example, if I shaved my head and didn't dress to make it apparent I was female/wear tight tops so you knew I had boobs, I'd probably be often mistaken for a teenage boy (I don't look very girly), or people might assume I'd lost my hair due to illness and ask all sorts of questions. For someone to ask me to do that--to alter my looks to something not largely societally accepted and that would, in fact, probably cause people to make assumptions about my identity and such--and be angry when I wouldn't would, IMO, be downright RUDE (not that I mind the androgynous look so much, but it could get embarrassing at times to be treated differently, especially if it came down to getting yelled at for going into the women's bathroom and such. And it would get old deflecting the sympathy of people who thought I had cancer or something). And in your case, like you say, it might affect how people see you professionally as well, which could be damaging to your career, and how DARE he propose that???


I had a co-worker who asked me about cutting my hair and went on and on about Locks of Love. I finally had to be rude about it, despite the fact that I told her point-blank that I was not going to cut my hair.
For me, when it comes to LOL, I just explain to people that I don't believe they're a good charity and say why (they don't meet the BBB's guidelines for a good charity, most of their hair gets sold rather than put on kids' heads, etc.). It's not just educational--it's CYA so I don't just sound like I'm saying I'm a selfish jerk who doesn't want to help the chiiiiiiildreeeeeennnnnnn. Usually they say "oh, I didn't know that" and drop the subject (and the other plus is that hopefully maybe they remember that and tell it to someone else who's thinking about donating).


With wigs being so cheaply made these days and looking so real, you dont need to cut your hair.
This is what I always wonder about charities like LOL. I've heard synthetic hair is much easier to care for, so why on earth would you give real hair to a little kid?? That'd be like "clothe the children" charities passing up on cotton clothes to give them silk because it sounds fancier. Just one more piece of proof, IMO, that LOL and similar are simply gimmicks, and goes back to my first paragraph--I bet they figured out that people would rather donate their hair to give kids impractical wigs than donate money to give them ones that would be less of a pain in the @$$.

I used to work with a lady who wore a wig because she had cancer years ago and her treatment damaged her hair follicles. I didn't know until she told me that it was a wig and wasn't growing out of her head (granted, I'm not the most observant person, but are there people who really scrutinize another person's hair to that point? I suppose there are).

[Carina]

I have had people ask me rude questions to and it all has to do with my hair.I am happy that you stood your ground and never ever let them get you down.Be proud of you and your hair.Envy have many ugly faces for sure.:grouphug:.

[evampr18]

IMO, screw him. It is your hair. Which means it is yours and yours only. None of his business.

[Angelica]

Were the rest of the colleagues you worked with going to do the same? I think this person was an idiot and he made himself look like a right fool. If he wants to shave his head for charity, fine, but he has no right to want to pull someone into it as well.

[MsBubbles]

Haven't read all the replies yet but honestly any talk about my hair length, style or color with co-workers, or even friends, is strictly off-limits for me. No exceptions! You folk are the only ones I talk about hair with!!

I just had a friend say to me on Saturday that I should get extensions to make my hair look 'pretty', and to thicken it up. 'It'd look pretty!'. Thanks! So I should deduce that right now it doesn't (look pretty).

Oh and Kat, I agree with what you're saying about the whole fundraising thing. And I have a really hard time asking people for money just because I'm going to do something ridiculous - which makes me a really bad fundraiser. But I think sometimes people donate to a cause they believe in, where perhaps they wouldn't otherwise have done, if someone asks them to, or tells them about their sporting event/dressing up like a superhero/head shaving, etc.

[LouLaLa]

Wow really thanks so much guys for all the support!

I think he is just crazy, I told my bf about it and he assumed it was just - jealousy/stupidity/ignorance- Im also considered odd in work as I dont drink alcohol- for some reason this means I must be religious or my parents are overtly strict (madness theyre lovely!)

Today he didnt mention me cutting my hair but I will admit I was a little miffed last week that none of the ladies defended me, afterally Im sure they wouldnt get a buzz cut.
Long hair evokes strange and wonderful reactions in people (and mine isnt even than long- lord help them when I get to waist/hip!)

I just think the whole thing was designed to make me emotionally uncomforatable as they knew me doing such an act would be very stressful (I wont elaborate further due to the LHC rules).

Somehow I dont think me doing such a thing would help the sick babies we are raising money for! I give my time/love/skills but I draw the line at my hair- and yet we are meant to feel "mean" :s

Thankyou everyone, its meant so much to have all the support/thoughs/musings/ideas. I would say thankyou to each in turn but I would feel awful if I missed anyone out as this thread really did give me the strength to go in with my hair down today as a proud LHC'er! :rockdud:

[RachelRain]

Wow really thanks so much guys for all the support!

I think he is just crazy, I told my bf about it and he assumed it was just - jealousy/stupidity/ignorance- Im also considered odd in work as I dont drink alcohol- for some reason this means I must be religious or my parents are overtly strict (madness theyre lovely!)

Today he didnt mention me cutting my hair but I will admit I was a little miffed last week that none of the ladies defended me, afterally Im sure they wouldnt get a buzz cut.
Long hair evokes strange and wonderful reactions in people (and mine isnt even than long- lord help them when I get to waist/hip!)

I just think the whole thing was designed to make me emotionally uncomforatable as they knew me doing such an act would be very stressful (I wont elaborate further due to the LHC rules).

Somehow I dont think me doing such a thing would help the sick babies we are raising money for! I give my time/love/skills but I draw the line at my hair- and yet we are meant to feel "mean" :s

Thankyou everyone, its meant so much to have all the support/thoughs/musings/ideas. I would say thankyou to each in turn but I would feel awful if I missed anyone out as this thread really did give me the strength to go in with my hair down today as a proud LHC'er! :rockdud:

... yeah he sounds like a real winner.

As to the women... I would have made a comment like, 'so if I shave mine, you'll shave yours, right? all of you? cuz otherwise what's the point, right?' :D they'd have probably changed the subject for you, lol.

[Babyfine]

I haven't read all the replies yet-but this guy is a JERK- IMO, I wouldn't even bother about what he said, but I know that's hard.
I'm the same as MS Bubbles, outside of the LHC or the loom I don't bring up my hair at all and I consider it off limits(except if one wants to give me a compliment)
I've had my share of negative opinions(namely of the your hair would look so much thicker if you cut it variety).
Donating should be from the heart-I donate to several causes/charities I believe in-not because I'm pressured to.
The minute I get pressured I dig my heels in and say "No."

[RitaPG]

You can donate millions every year to charitable organisations, people will never understsand.
Either way, you're screwed:
- If you cut, it's nice the first days, but the rest of the world will think you either have a)cancer or b) nazi.
- If you don't cut, you're selfish.
People don't know that "donated" hair is always sold to those who want it, not given to those who need it, and they just don't bother to understand:shrug:

Don't worry about it, it is your body and you decide what to do with it. We understand :)