A Matter of Tact

[StayPutDarling]

Two questions in one....both on tact. HELP!

1) What is the politest way to tell someone that, no, you don't plan to cut your hair and donate it to Locks of Love? (The main reason I won't: http://badhairday.typepad.com/bad_hair_day/2006/07/locks_of_love_i.html)

2) How do I tell complete strangers that it's NOT okay to touch my hair without asking? (Seriously, people touch my hair all the time! Ticks me off! I don't go around grabbing every set of great boobs or awesome 'package' I see)

[Khiwanean]

Tact is fairly simple, it's resisting the urge to get snippy with people who feel so entitled that's the hard part. So, this is what I came up with.

1. "No, I don't plan to cut my hair and donate it to Locks of Love." You may want to add why you have long hair and/or why you do not like Locks of Love. If they get snippy with you I (personally) would get snippy back: "I'm sorry, did I pester you to donate your car to some charity and somehow manage to forget about it or did you just feel entitle to tell me what charitable causes I should donate to all on your own? Hair in good condition takes a long time to grow and if I want to appreciate my own hair it's none of your business."

2. "Please don't touch my hair. I don't like it when strangers come up and touch my hair without even asking my permission to do so."

ETA: Or you could always go with I Care Language that I learned in elemetary school. ;) "When you _____, I feel ______. Next time ______."

[little_cherry]

Two questions in one....both on tact. HELP!

1) What is the politest way to tell someone that, no, you don't plan to cut your hair and donate it to Locks of Love? (The main reason I won't: http://badhairday.typepad.com/bad_hair_day/2006/07/locks_of_love_i.html)Hmm...just let them know that LoL is not all it's hyped up to be because the hair/donations don't really go to people in need. Also saying that you'd rather make a cash donation to a more trusted charity works.


2) How do I tell complete strangers that it's NOT okay to touch my hair without asking? (Seriously, people touch my hair all the time! Ticks me off! I don't go around grabbing every set of great boobs or awesome 'package' I see)I'd prefer it if you wouldn't touch my hair. Thank you.

[StayPutDarling]

ETA: Or you could always go with I Care Language that I learned in elemetary school. ;) "When you _____, I feel ______. Next time ______."


LMAO! I love this.

[PrincessBob]

When they ask if you intend to donate, simply say, no. I have a very close friend who was a cancer kid, and she would never pester anybody to donate their hair. Be cool and if they pester you even more remind them that you relationship is at will and you can walk away any time you'd like, then do so.:eyebrows:

When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:

When you express need, it makes me feel sad, and I want to help. Next time don't hesitate to bring a question to the forum,
Princess Bob

[marikamt]

[QUOTE=PrincessBob;1177146]
When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:
/QUOTE]

OMG!!!! I LOVE that...... that is so funny! It may be the best comeback ever to hair (or any other body part) touching.......

[StayPutDarling]

When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:


Oh. My. G-d. I just cracked up laughing at work. Thank you! I needed that laugh desperately!

[Alvrodul]

When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:


That hasn't happened to me (yet) but I think I will keep this response in mind. Just in case.:rollin:

[Nae]

PrincessBob!! You are the bomb! You just made my day. Excuse me while I collapse laughing over in the corner.

[triumphator!]

I have no tact. I absolutely HATE being touched by strangers, unless they accidentally bump into me or something. If someone in a store I've never met began touching my hair, I would probably be so startled I'd scream, and then spit out something like, "Why the f*** are you touching me!" Then I would make this face: :angry:

[Juneii]

You can tell them that you would rather donate your money to the cause instead of severing an important body part of yours.

As for the hair touching, just tell them that you have a personal bubble and would like it if they didn't touch you without asking. And just try to get away from them as fast as possible.

[Medievalmaniac]

When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:

Princess Bob

:applause:lol::misskim::bowtome:

(Look - I found the whole OTHER side of the smilies! lol) But seriously - this is a GREAT answer!! :D

[Rivanariko]

When it comes to the LOL thing, I personally don't try to bring up the shady nature of the organization unless I'm in the mood for a LONG argument and I have cold hard facts at my fingertips to back it up. It's just not worth it to me. I've never had people pester me about donating, but I think I'd probably try to change the subject slightly by talking about making cash donations to the American Cancer Society or something along those lines. In general, keeping the tone friendly seems to help a lot.

Strangers touching my hair... honestly, I'd probably hit them. With my close friends, I have very little personal space and we play with each other's hair all of the time. But someone I don't know better not be touching me.
Okay, I might not really hit them... but I'd definitely shy away, maybe sweep my arm up to knock their hand away and give them a o.O look.
But again, I haven't had this problem... Maybe it's because long hair was pretty common where I used to live?

[Sammich]

1)
Well, lets see... Tell them Locks of love is a big baddie scam and I would protect my locks with my life! ;)
Show this thread if I can:
http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=34575&highlight=locks+love

2)
Hmm, well I'd give them a look(The look...) and move my head away. Yeah, I think they'd take the hint. ;) Your question wording made me lol, just sayin'! :D

[Centaur]

1) Tell them your charitable contributions is not something you discuss with others but that if they are so passionate about Locks of Love, then you recommend they GROW THEIR OWN HAIR OUT TO DONATE.

2) Tell them touching a female stranger's hair is a good way to get their teeth knocked out. No. I like PrincessBob's response, except I wouldn't want to touch them back. Ugh

[spidermom]

If I lived in an area where people felt perfectly free to walk up and touch my hair, I'd wear it up or contained in some way, which I do most of the time, anyway. It's better for my hair (less tangling and damage, less hot) and it's better than giving people snarky responses all day every day. Obviously touching hair is a culturally all right thing to do where you are if it happens all the time.

As far as the cut and donate remarks: "Ha! Never gonna happen!"

[linda g]

1. "No, I have other charities I donate towards/participate in. Such as (name your favorite charity here)".

2. "Please don't, that makes me feel uncomfortable."




Although I have to admit that the "primate grooming" answer made me laugh! :D

[Jenn of Pence]

1) Tell them your charitable contributions is not something you discuss with others but that if they are so passionate about Locks of Love, then you recommend they GROW THEIR OWN HAIR OUT TO DONATE.

That's an interesting, thought-provoking reply, Centaur. It can be quite tactful, but I might end up saying it snarkily. :eyebrows:


1. "No, I have other charities I donate towards/participate in. Such as (name your favorite charity here)".


And I like this one, too linda g! I like the idea of sharing with someone a cause I do actually believe in.

I don't know if I'd mind my hair being touched very lightly or very occasionally, but a random stranger would cross my line of appropriateness very, very quickly!

[littlenvy]

Do what one of my friends used to do. Say, "No, sorry I'm just trying to get through an infestation of head lice".
Works for both of your problems ;). And it will make sure that they never touch your hair again.
It might not be the politest way but it sure is the fastest. :)

[PrincessBob]

Say, "No, sorry I'm just trying to get through an infestation of head lice".
Works for both of your problems ;). :)
Ew, ew ewwwww!
I think you win on swiftness of reaction and lesson learned. I need to go hide with my hair in Saran wrap to keep it safe.:couch:

Lice, like zombies, multiply quickly and totally freak me out.
Princess Bob

[JenniferNoel]

Back in the days of TB+ hair, whenever a stranger randomly touched my hair or picked up my braid, I'd quickly and enthusiastically say "Hey, thanks for plucking out some of that bug-filled cobweb that was stuck in there." with an evil little grin. I actually did say that once, some random guy that probably liked my hair too much. :p

[Heavenly Locks]

Last time someone assumed I was going to donate to LoL, I assumed right back that they were going to donate a kidney.

They didn't appreciate that and persisted. They told me it was "Just hair" and "Someone out there is fighting cancer and needs it!" I said "But you have TWO of them, it's selfish to keep them both..."

... then I walked away.

[Peter]

When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:
LOL

What a great idea. :D

[IcarusBride]

#2 Seriously I would strait out tell the person "Do not touch me." If they were particularly obnoxious I'd add "Who the *beep* are you?!" before the 'Do not touch me.' part.

[RadiantNeedle]

Reminds me of what my sister did when she was pregnant and strangers would just come up and touch her stomach.
She started grabbing their boobs.

They didn't like that.

[growingmyhair]

1) What is the politest way to tell someone that, no, you don't plan to cut your hair and donate it to Locks of Love
what kind of donation is that?! I don't care if it's a scam or for a good cause who can tell me what the f-- to do with my hair?! hair has always been considered a value in my country (Ukraine) and it's not like ppl really care about hair, it's just that it's been always implied and it's a tradition but nowadays not so many girls have long hair. but my point is to me this kind of suggestion equals people suggesting I give up my golden chain and charm for charity. well, I say f-- them because I'm not gonna give up something that is meaningful to me

2) How do I tell complete strangers that it's NOT okay to touch my hair without asking? (Seriously, people touch my hair all the time! Ticks me off! I don't go around grabbing every set of great boobs or awesome 'package' I see)
you got yourself an answer without even trying - cry 'don't touch my boobs!' they will get embarrassed plus people around will hear and possibly this gets spread and less people would want to touch everyone's hair

[PrincessBob]

you got yourself an answer without even trying - cry 'don't touch my boobs!' they will get embarrassed plus people around will hear and possibly this gets spread and less people would want to touch everyone's hair

I think I will use that, next time someone gets grabby over anything on me.:D

[OtiggerificO]

Ew, ew ewwwww!
Lice, like zombies, multiply quickly and totally freak me out.


I never thought of it like that, now I have an image of zombies riding huge lice. :)

I don't mind my friends touching my hair, but I can't stand strangers coming up to me and spronging my curls (especially because they usually tug hard on any tangles). What I truly can't stand is that if, in my pain, I reply with something with angry overtones 'STOP touching me', I get painted as touchy and moody. Hmph. :steam

[Toadstool]

I wouldn't mind most people touching my hair. If I found the person doing it creepy i would ust say "Get off".

[Unzadi]

When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:



Princess Bob, that bit about primate grooming is priceless. Must add to my arsenal. I advocate grabbing the hair of a hair-grabber right back, then ask with a big smile and slightly puzzled look, "okay, what do we do next?"

If they express confusion, merely keep up the puzzled look and ask them why they started the interaction if they don't know where it's going. Or don't grab people's hair, period.

For the Locks of Love question, A) your charitable donations are none of their business, B) you can say you've investigated that option and LOL does not meet your qualifications, or C) polite smile and say you'll keep that in mind. Oh look, a kitty.

[RitaPG]

1) Give them a polite "no". Say you know the company and let them know that LOL does not donate hair to little children, instead they sell the hair to wigmakers.
Tell them that wigs made of human hair are too expensive and take a lot more care than a regular sinthetic wig. Not to mention "fake" wigs are made to last. While human hair wears out faster.

And when they insist, tell them that donating hair will not save a child's life. Donating blood, on the other hand, could save lots of lifes. Tell them they should get tested and donate blood.


"2) How do I tell complete strangers that it's NOT okay to touch my hair without asking?"
That is exactly what you need to say, that that you feel uncomfortable with people touching your hair, and ask them to please stop it.

[Arianwen]

Two questions in one....both on tact. HELP!

1) What is the politest way to tell someone that, no, you don't plan to cut your hair and donate it to Locks of Love? (The main reason I won't: http://badhairday.typepad.com/bad_hair_day/2006/07/locks_of_love_i.html)

2) How do I tell complete strangers that it's NOT okay to touch my hair without asking? (Seriously, people touch my hair all the time! Ticks me off! I don't go around grabbing every set of great boobs or awesome 'package' I see)

In those situations, tact goes right out the window, if someone is rude, obnoxious, low-class and ill-mannered enough to tell you to donate your hair, you are perfectly within your rights to tell them if they care so much, to donate a kidney, all their money, their house/cars etc etc. I'm looking forward to the day some ignoramous says something so rude to me. I'm a real b-word when it comes to stuff like that and I have no qualms ripping a strip off someone, if only to spare the next longhair from such abuse.

If any stranger violates my personal space without my express permission the response is swift and vicious. I am FLUMMOXED by people thinking they have the right to violate your personal space like that. You are NOT here to decorate THEIR world. If someone you don't know is violating your personal space, tell them to KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES. If that doesn't work, tell them they have 5 seconds to clear off or they will be taking their next meal through a tube. :evil:

[Arianwen]

Reminds me of what my sister did when she was pregnant and strangers would just come up and touch her stomach.
She started grabbing their boobs.

They didn't like that.

I laughed so hard I CHOKED....:D that's freaking hilarious!

[sibiryachka]

Reminds me of what my sister did when she was pregnant and strangers would just come up and touch her stomach.
She started grabbing their boobs.

They didn't like that.

I love your sister.

[Islandgrrl]

I'm not sure tact is warranted in either of those situations - especially the second.

My standard response these days to the LoL query is (please don't throw stuff at me): Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do, I just need a few more inches!

What they don't know won't hurt them, and it shuts them up and makes them feel good. Really, what do I care?

As for the second, it only ever happens when I have my hair in a braid. And I almost knocked out the last guy who touched my hair without permission. I didn't say anything, but I brought my elbow around fast and caught him in the face. Oopsie.:o

[ifyouforget]

Ok, wow, I must say that the majority of this thread is quite unsettling to me. Most of ya'll seem to think that if someone is rude to you, it's fine to be rude (or ruder) back.

I can't disagree more strongly- Not that I'm always polite, far from it, but I simply don't see the good in plotting out 'snarky' replies that are really just rude. Why lower yourself to the level of the offender?

Any why all the snappy responses? What's wrong with good old "I'd rather not donate, thank you," and then simply refusing to engage in a conversation on the topic (you owe no one an explanation or excuse, after all)? Or a simple "please don't touch my hair" (as some people have already pointed out) As long as you stand firm, and refuse to enter a debate, there's no need to be rude or snarky.

And please don't think I'm attacking anyone. I have nothing against anyone in this thread, it's just the general tone that I find upsetting.

ETA- Islandgrrl beat me to it, with some excellent ideas. Don't shoot, but i've used "I'll definitely consider it when I do cut my hair" to the LOL people. Same idea- makes them happy, gets me off the hook, who cares if I don't really intend to cut?

[spidermom]

I agree with you, ifyouforget. I've got a mental image of how I want people to see me, and snarky and rude are not part of the picture. Sometimes I'm so provoked that I fail, but most of the time I find that a little humor or prevention (wearing my hair up) solve a multitude of problems.

I don't think that people who say something about cutting your hair and donating it mean to be rude. They've seen donate-a-thons in their communities and/or on t.v.; that's why they say it.

[Islandgrrl]

Lest one would think that I go around regularly smacking people who touch my hair...not the case at all. The person in question was, indeed a stranger, and PULLED my braid rather firmly without saying anything at all. I just reacted.

Usually if someone touches my hair (again, infrequent, I don't wear braids in public all that often), I ask them to not touch my hair, please. I might want to be snarky sometimes, but the truth is that I seldom have the ability to have spontaneously snarky comments fly out of my mouth. Many, many years of conditioning to be polite have taken their toll! :silly:

[kittensoupnrice]

I'm honestly puzzled.
Am I just that mean looking that nobody touches my hair, or my stomach, or asks me if I donate?

I mean, how often does this happen?
I've never had anybody touch my hair. I'm 8 mos pregnant and I've only had like, two non-family members touch, and it was after they asked nervously for permission. I think maybe only one person has ever asked me if I wanted to donate my TBL hair...

Anyway. I just tell people who talk about Locks of Love around me about what a scam they are, and how I'd rather donate money to the cancer cause than hair. I usually don't let anybody get close enough to me unawares that I wouldn't already be okay with them reaching out to hug or touch me. Maybe adopting a larger "this is my personal bubble" would be a good solution?

[RachelRain]

Two questions in one....both on tact. HELP!

1) What is the politest way to tell someone that, no, you don't plan to cut your hair and donate it to Locks of Love? (The main reason I won't: http://badhairday.typepad.com/bad_hair_day/2006/07/locks_of_love_i.html)

2) How do I tell complete strangers that it's NOT okay to touch my hair without asking? (Seriously, people touch my hair all the time! Ticks me off! I don't go around grabbing every set of great boobs or awesome 'package' I see)

I don't practice tact with that, but I'll try for your sake :)

1. It's my hair, I choose to grow it out *for me.* I do not want to donate, if you do, then grow your own and donate it.

2. Don't touch me. Unwarranted/unwelcome touching is a form of assault and I don't like it.

... yeah, told you I wasn't good at being tactful in those situations. lol. Sorry, but at least the first response wasn't too bad. I really, *really* dislike being touched without knowing its coming. My own boyfriend occasionally gets an elbow because of it. I'm sorry, but invading my personal space is not going to end up with a good outcome for anyone.

[Balenciaga]

Tact is fairly simple, it's resisting the urge to get snippy with people who feel so entitled that's the hard part. So, this is what I came up with.


ETA: Or you could always go with I Care Language that I learned in elemetary school. ;) "When you _____, I feel ______. Next time ______."


When you touch my hair, I feel like removing your eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon. Next time remember to get your tetanus shots updated.

[wvgemini]

I think I could be fairly polite with the first one. A simple "that's not what I want to do." Might suffice.

With the unwanted touching, I will admit that I would more than likely react badly. I have a BIG issue with personal space/unwanted touching/unwanted crowding, etc. It is one of my PTSD triggers that I have not been able to suppress or overcome. I probably wouldn't physically harm anyone (unless they yanked on my hair or something ... and I'm talking about adults here), but I would probably scream, yell, ask what the frick their problem was, that sort of thing.

[Peregrine]

I personally don't have anybody do either of these things. I have developed a pretty strong "stay away" vibe. But if they did:

1) I prefer donating to cancer research. So that, hopefully, in the future, children won't have to lose their hair in the first place.

2) Look at them like "Oh MY God, What are you doing?" and gently take my hair back with a "Please don't, I don't know you." That would just be my reaction as strange people touching me freaks me out and I would never do it to someone I didn't know. Heck, I ask before touching some of my friends hair.

[MsBubbles]

The article was funny. Although I have to disagree with the author that Diane Lane's hair was 'boring'. I doubt many men considered it boring.

I have rehearsed what I would say should anybody ever suggest to me to donate my hair to LOL. I think it would simply be: "No thanks, I don't want to do that." No explanation necessary. If the conversation went downhill from there into me being selfish for not donating, etc., I would have to just stare at them quizzically and walk away.

[RachelRain]

When you touch my hair, I feel like removing your eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon. Next time remember to get your tetanus shots updated.

Love this. You are officially my hero.

[estherbeth]

I've never actually had anyone remark that I should chop off my hair for LoL, but I live in an area where it's extremely common to have long hair for religious reasons. It irritates the :poop: out of me when I see it done on tv or online. If I were approached with that kind of remark in person, I would tell the person that there are extremely high qualifications for hair to be accepted by LoL, otherwise they just throw the donation away, and mine doesn't meet them, and my hair would just be thrown away. I'd rather keep it on my head that have it thrown away. Tell them, if they feel like donating something to help children with cancer, to donate money to cancer research.



When they touch your hair, do as my friend from school would do and begin to touch theirs back. The way I see it, if they become indignant, you should express that you were picking up on their non-verbal cues that they do not believe in personal space and wanted to participate in primate grooming. If they do wish to participate in primate grooming absolutely use the Care Language previously expressed.:afro:

Best. Hair-toucher. Response. Ever. It's not as potentially insulting as just telling the groper not to touch your hair. I hope I can keep this in mind the next time I receive a hair grope!

[Danaus plexippu]

I think it's good to consider the "why" of these two...

1. There is a lot of propaganda in favor of donating hair. It's politically correct and seems so selfless...a personal giving of one's self instead of simply throwing cash at an organization. I can really see the appeal. I think a little education never hurt anyone. Politely tell them why you don't or tell them charitable giving is very personal and you don't really want to discuss it.

2. Having a special needs child with sensory integration disfunction has changed my way of thinking a lot. My child touches to learn. His tactile nature is how he discovers and learns about his world around him. Some people are hardwired for touch. Of course we've had to teach my son about personal space and socially acceptable behavior, but it is so difficult for him to restrain from touching everything he sees. If he saw your beautiful hair, it would take everything in him not to touch it. We use the phrase, "look with your eyes, not with your hands," to remind him. Also, now that he's verbal, he would probably ask to touch your hair. Again, education is the best policy. Tell a person why it's not okay to touch you. My son will always have tactile tendancies, even when he's an adult. Kindness, understanding and tolerance goes along way.