Should I make my daughter have her hair cut shorter?

[Cheddar]

Hi, my 11 years old daughter has had really long hair since she was about 8. Her hair is lovely when its been brushed, but it takes a long time to brush, wash, condition etc. Her hair is naturally very thick and wavy. She looks after her hair herself but because its so knotty there are often big knots in it that I end up brushing out because it hurts so much she doesn't bother. She is head- sore so hates brushing and combing her hair. Her hair is currently a few inches above her waist. I've told her that if she had her hair shorter how much easier it would be etc, but she is insistent she wants it long even though she doesn't look after it properly. Tried to compromise aswell but everytime I say she is having some length off at the hair dressers she cries. So i'd love your opinions, do you think I should make her get it cut shorter, like a little longer than shoulder length, do you think I should have it cut short like pixie length or should I let her keep it really long, I don't want her to be upset however I just think her hair is too much to manage. Also I've consulted with my stylist and she said that she has got lovely hair but agreed that it would be much easier. Thanks in advance xxx

[Jenw777]

I think it would be cruel to make her cut her hair off if she loves it. Why not spend some time with her every evening detangling it?

[missfortune9335]

awww, that's rough. maybe she will agree to keep her long hair braided to avoid tangles?

[triumphator!]

I agree with the post above. Insist she put it in a protective style to keep it form tangling. Make it your compromise with her. It won't be worth her having long hair anyway if it's constantly tangled!

[jera]

I think it would be cruel to make her cut her hair off if she loves it. Why not spend some time with her every evening detangling it?

I second this. It's what being a parent is all about. If she gets sick of long hair care herself, well okay. But please help her. My Mom used to force me into short cuts til I was 13. I have nothing but unhappy memories of her regarding my personal hair choices. :( Some kids do know they love and desire long hair. Help her if you can. Please? :)

[Sarahmoon]

I would let her keep it long, and inform her about hair styles that will make it tangle less easily. Braids for example. Does she braid her hair before bed? That made a huge difference for me.
Does she know how to comb (I'd let a wavy person comb rather than brush, with a wide tooth comb) in a less painless way? Detangle carefully and slowly first with your fingers, than take the comb and first comb a small part near the hemline, then when that's detangled, move up a bit etc. Also if you hold the hair while combing it, it won't pull the scalp so much.
Jojoba or coconut oil help a lot of members here to make hair easier to detangle. Also does she use conditioner after washing her hair? Does she air dry or use a blow-dryer, or rub the hair with a towel?

I understand your frustration, but my mom forced me into cutting it when I was little because she had no idea how to detangle hair without causing pain (and as a result, I didn't know either at that age) and it only made me very miserable. And if she doesn't know how to take care of her hair, she still won't know it when it's shorter.

[pepperminttea]

Agreed on braiding. It seems like cutting it short would be a fairly traumatic experience, and there's a lot of pretty braided styles out there that don't eat up too much time in the morning routine. Cute Girls Hairstyles (http://www.cutegirlshairstyles.com/) is a great place to start, they have a youtube channel with video tutorials which really helps.

Could you perhaps fingercomb out the big tangles before she brushes it through? If the biggest knots and snags are out the way it'll be less pain all round, and less damage on the hair to boot. It's something she could do herself, or it could become a bit of mother/daughter time together. :)

[YesitsReal]

What about a detangling spray? Don't Suave or Johnson's make kids' detangling sprays? That might help some. Also, if her ends are split or damaged, her hair will tangle more easily. A one or two inch trim might help with that.

[GRU]

I think reading through this thread would be an eye-opener for you:

http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=49839


Personally, I'm going to suggest turning this into a learning experience. She's old enough to take on this responsibility, but she may not know HOW to do it. Read through as much of this thread as you can wade through for some ideas that are specific to wavy hair: http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=369

The biggest thing for big knots is to not let them form in the first place. Braiding hair at bedtime will probably prevent at least half of her snarlies, and proper product usage and techniques will prevent most of the rest of them.

[Medievalmaniac]

my oldest daughter is 6 and has TBL hair. She loves to alternate wearing it in a bun and wearing it down. When she wears it down it is horrible to comb out. On a really bad day, it can take me nearly an hour to detangle the mess and restore order.

I consider that a wonderful use of my time. I get to spend an uninterrupted hour with her each night, she loves her hair, I love her hair, we talk and tell stories and laugh - this is the stuff of family traditions and of wonderful memories for her. I am more than willing to put up with the tangles for her. I hope as she gets older, she will get better at caring for it herself - but until then, this is fun for both of us, even though it does take a lot of time.

[ravenreed]

I think that at her age she is old enough to be responsible for her own hair. If she is unable or unwilling to care for it herself, taking a few inches off might make a difference in how difficult it is for her to deal with. I would first offer her the choice-- "Care for it properly or cut it short enough that you can do so." Then help her figure out how to take care of it.

One of the things that helps me with my very tangly hair is a Tangle Teezer:
Tangle Teezer. (http://www.tangleteezer.com/)

Not everyone had such great experience with them, but I pretty much gave up brushes after getting mine.

[Roseate]

Personally, I'm going to suggest turning this into a learning experience. She's old enough to take on this responsibility, but she may not know HOW to do it.

I agree! I had no idea how to care for my hair as a kid, didn't know how to comb it gently, didn't use enough conditioner, didn't know how to braid... and no-one ever bothered to teach me. I used a brush on my hair, but since it is wavy and thick, the bristles never really reached all the tangles on the underside and I ended up with a matt there the size of an orange!

Brushing rarely works well for wavies. She probably needs a good wide-toothed comb to detangle with at the very least, and plenty of conditioner, both rinse-out and leave-in. I agree about not forcing her to cut it- that never ends well and will be a miserable memory for her.

[Dragon]

I recon if she likes it long, keep it long and help her with it. And do some braiding to help prevent the nots. I know from my experience that if you give them a hair cut they hate it can cause low self esteem in a child.

[white line]

I agree with what everybody else has said. Try using a detangling spray to comb out the tangles and use braids. I would not force her to cut off her hair. I will never have short hair because of a bad short haircut I was talked into by my mom as at her age. I like the idea another poster had about making it personal time for the two of you.

[CrisDee]

DEFINITELY read through the thread GRU linked above - it's called "Were you allowed to have long hair as a child?" Many of us expressed a great deal of pain and trauma at having our mothers or caregivers whack off all our hair despite our pleas not to. A short cut may solve your problem in the short term, but may create far more self-worth and/or control issues for your daughter down the road than the short term is worth.

That being said, however, I also would advocate loving teaching sessions on how to care for her hair. So many in the above thread had their mothers cut their hair because they didn't want to spend that teaching time with their daughters. You may even want to have your daughter read some of the hair care threads on this board - there is a strict "PG only" rule for the content and language on this forum precisely because there are minors who read it :)

[MissManda]

I do not think it would be wise to have her hair cut if she likes her hair. I remember when I had tailbone-classic length hair and my parents would force me to get it cut to waist length. I was never happy afterwards. I also once had a family member cut short hair over my ears to match my blunt bangs and it took years to grow that awful cut out. They did not teach me how to properly care for my hair, which I really wish they had because I had to let them do my hair for me.

Also, a shorter cut might be just as, if not more difficult to manage than her longer hair. Thick, wavy hair can be very hard to deal with because it has the tendency to poof out at shoulder-length or shorter, so longer hair weighs it down and makes it easier to care for. My boyfriend has this hair type and has told me this many, many times and I have also heard this from the thick and wurly LHCers.

A small trim would be a good idea, however, because it will remove the damaged ends and help reduce tangles. Ask your daughter if she piles her hair on top of her head when she washes it because not everyone knows better. Doing this can create a tangle city! You might also want to try jojoba or coconut oil because it eases detangling and makes the hair softer and easier to manage.

Be patient with your daughter and teach her some protective hairstyles. Use it as a learning experience and as bonding time for the two of you.

Hope that helps!

[christine1989]

When my parents made me do things when I was little I made sure they regretted it for months to come. If you want to make her cut her hair thats fine...just as long as she isn't one of these vengeful types with a knack for revenge.

[kwaniesiam]

First of all, does she really want to keep her hair? She is old enough to be taking care of her hair on her own, explain that if she cannot keep her hair tidy and neat she will have to cut it. If things don't improve take her to get it cut but I wouldn't make her cut it if she doesn't want to.

Side note, I was that kid who hated having their hair brushed but wanted to keep it long also. I ended up growing up with a love of dreadlocks :D

[freznow]

I wouldn't let my kid go out if she had a rats nest on her head, especially if it's leading to scalp issues when she tries to brush it out. If it's unhygienic, you have to do something about it.

#1 step would be warning and teaching. "If you can't prevent these tangles, we're going to cut a few inches off until you have no tangles." That's when you show her braids and make sure the products she uses are appropriate for her hair type.

If she ignores all that and still gets knots, then you cut off 3 or 4 inches. That's what hit it home with me. There's NO way I would have gone for a pixie cut when younger - I would not have liked that to be forced on me. However, losing a few inches was a message well sent. By my own inclination, I started wearing it in a braid every day, and before the year was up I was well beyond my former length, and I liked it more, too.

[squiggyflop]

dont make her cut her hair that short... a pixicut at her age can be bad for her school life.. my mom had mine cut off and people thought i was a boy or that i was poor or that i was abused.. i couldnt get any friends because of it.. kids at that age can be extremely cruel and shallow about appearances.. its years of therapy waiting to happen

i suggest having a few inches taken off and no more..

no pixycuts

perhaps teaching her to braid.. or keeping her hair in pigtails.. (you can even make them semi bun pigtails like sailor moon for extra protection)

oh and get her a detangler spray.. it worked wonders for me as a kid..

[Xi]

I decided to grow my hair long when I was about five. I think it was a bit of a trial to my mother in the early years -- sometimes I would cry and snivel when she brushed out the tangles, or even refuse to let her brush it. She could always get me to behave, however, by threatening to call the hairdresser to have it cut -- now and then she'd even pick up the phone. The threat alone sufficed -- she never actually forced me to have it cut.

It may seem like a trivial thing, but I am so grateful to my mum for letting me keep my hair -- I think it taught both of us valuable lessons in patience! ;)

P.S. As others have suggested, braids are key -- I wore one almost every day in elementary school.

[girlcat36]

Please don't force a cut!
All the tips already given should help alot.
I was forced into many a pixie in my childhood, and mistaken for a boy many times. I am still dealing with self esteem issues from this!
Your daughter sounds old enough to read up on hair care tips on her own, and with your help the two of you should be able to come to a tangle-free solution.
I highly recommend the Tangle Teezer. You also may want to consider clarifying her hair, then possibly going to a cone free routine(worked wonders for my ultra fine curly tangles).
A small trim--maybe an inch--should help as well.

[Darkhorse1]

I think you have to do what you feel is right as a mother. Long hair is a responsibility. As a child, I was given a pixie cut because my hair was thick and snarled easily. My parents told me that I could grow it long when I could care for it.

I was about 8 or 9 when I finally said I was taking care of my own hair, I wanted it long. they agreed and I never looked back.

So, as the parent, you have to explain to your daughter that if she wants it long, she needs to learn to brush out the tangles etc. If she fusses, then you have to suggest a shorterr cut--I mean, not mia farrow short, but something easier to manage. Remember, hair grows back and kids hair grows super fast.

I would talk to her and then see just how important her hair is to her. Obviously you don't want to hack it off, but you also don't want to have her have such tangles/knots that she can't brush it.

Best of luck!

[May]

It would NOT be "cruel" to get her hair cut a little shorter :rolleyes:. I mean the reality is that a busy mom might not have the time to sit for hours detangling hair. There are more important things in life than hair and I personally think that if people think it's cruel then they haven't been in your situation or have kids themselves. You could also ask her to braid it so it doesn't tangle but let her know that if she wants long hair that she has to take care of it. That's life.

[Roseate]

I personally think that if people think it's cruel then they haven't been in your situation

I think a lot of the 'cruel' comments come from people who have been in the daughter's situation, not the mother's. So they still remember how it felt to get the haircut they didn't want and they're speaking from that position. :shrug: Both sides have a point, I suppose.

[windinherhair]

I agree with a lot of the suggestions here. I know I really wanted long hair as a child and wished my mom hadn't cut it. I can imagine it is a difficult decision, and I am glad you came here to get some advice before you decide what you are going to do. Weigh out both sides. There is no right or wrong.

[bumblebums]

An issue that hasn't been raised yet, and please do not take it the wrong way, is the parents' role in teaching the child about proper hair care. When I was a kid, my school had a rule that we had to wear our hair in braids or up, and up until I was 12 or so, I couldn't braid it myself. My mom would braid my hair every morning, and she would often brush my hair so hard that my scalp would ache, and the braids were too tight. I do not think of those morning sessions as a loving bonding experience with my mom. I think she was often annoyed at having to do it. I WISH she had taught me how to style it myself instead. But I do not at all wish I had gotten it lopped off to a pixie. That would have made life in school miserable!

So, OP, you did the right thing by coming to this forum, because it is a great place to learn about proper hair care. There are many right ways to take care of long hair, and many wrong ways, but please give your girl a chance to figure things out for herself.

[swellmel]

I would suggest sitting down with her and letting her know that if she wants to keep her hair as long as she wants that she needs to let you teach her how to properly care for it. I think threatening to chop it all off isn't wise but let her know that if she's not willing to take proper care of her hair then it's better to get some length trimmed off so it isn't so much work. Since she is older she's reached the point where her hair is something that she thinks about and is important to her identity- as opposed to say a toddler who doesn't really give their hair a second thought. So it's important to her that she is able to have some say as to how her hair is cut. Find pictures of styles she likes, braids she wants to try, ponytails, things to get her excited about long hair and make it a fun exciting thing for her- she'll have her own special hair stuff to use. Good luck! I've got 2 girls of my own with their own ideas on hair and they are only 4 & 6!

[TiltedHal0]

I am new here and although I don't have an answer, I do have an opinioin...although it may not be the right one ;)

I have been a hairdresser for 18 years and I have a daughter who is now going on 16 :)

I would let your daughter decide how she wants her hair. If it is curly, she will not like it shorter, because it will curl even more...at 11 girls are very self-conscious about fitting in. Right now, girls are wearing their hair very straight, so it would make her feel even worse if her hair were curlier. She is at that odd age where the strangest things matter to her that we don't really understand. I know it can be frusterating, but hang in there.

I know from experience that my daughter really wasn't into taking care of her hair at that age either...she was more of a tom-boy and it started to change when she was around 13. Also, if she knows how much you like long hair (if you are growing yours out) she might feel like she wants long hair like her mom.

Not sure if my opinion helps, best of luck to you...

[GRU]

It would NOT be "cruel" to get her hair cut a little shorter :rolleyes:. I mean the reality is that a busy mom might not have the time to sit for hours detangling hair. There are more important things in life than hair and I personally think that if people think it's cruel then they haven't been in your situation or have kids themselves. You could also ask her to braid it so it doesn't tangle but let her know that if she wants long hair that she has to take care of it. That's life.

The OP's daughter has waist-length "wavy" hair. I have waist-length CURLY hair. I know from personal experience that it does not take HOURS to detangle hair :rolleyes:, if it is properly maintained. Including the time spent in the shower (which includes detangling, CO-washing, conditioning, and applying leave-in conditioner) I think I spend 15 minutes a day on my hair. If it's a day that I'm not getting it wet in the morning, it's only around five minutes to oil it and put it up.

However, there will be some time-investment needed for teaching the daughter how to manage her hair, but that's just the job of being a parent -- you have to teach your kids ALL of the activities of daily living, not just the ones you "feel like" teaching them. That's life.

[Ursula]

There are a lot of options.

1. It doesn't sound as if she's been taught to care for her hair. Washing shouldn't take a long time, and detangling shouldn't be painful, if you're doing it right.

It sounds to me as if neither you nor her know how to care for long hair of her type. Admit your mistakes to her, apologize for not knowing how to teach her properly and for causing her pain, and ask her if she'd like to learn with you how to manage it.

2. I wrote an article, a while back, called "Ursula's Standard Newbie Advice." It is in the articles section here, and many people have found it useful. I'd suggest a few modifications, since she is a child.

3. Have her try CWC washing, as I described in my article, and as others discuss. It can do a great deal to help control tangles.

4. Set aside the brush, and get a very wide tooth comb. Try detangling her hair, in the shower, while it is full of conditioner. Work gently, from the ends up, in sections.

5. Keep her hair braided or in a bun, as much as possible. When hair is contained, it doesn't tangle nearly as badly.

[Ursula]

Another important point is to make sure she has good tools for caring for her hair. As someone with wavy hair, this is what I'd suggest.

1. A good, inexpensive, basic shampoo. I use Queen Helene Mint Julip, which is a concentrate you can buy at Sally's. Cheap, but you need a mixing bottle for it. I use a 10 oz. squirt top bottle, of the type they sell at Sally's for mixing and applying perm chemicals. Another possibility is TreSemme Vitamin C, which is a simple clarifying shampoo that will stand up to pretty much anything a child can get into. If possible, get it in a pump bottle. She won't need a lot of shampoo.

2. Conditioner. She'll use much more of this. When doing a CWC routine, I will go through four or more bottles of conditioner for every bottle of shampoo. This doesn't have to be expensive. I like the Suave Naturals line, which has several different scents and formulas to choose from.

3. Detangler spray. Most commercial detangler sprays are heavy on silicones, which can be difficult to wash out, and cause sticky buildup for some people. There is a recipe here on the boards called "Kimberlilly's Defrizz Spray" which uses oil and aloe gel with water in a spray bottle, that you mix yourself, which is a good and inexpensive detangler.

4. A wide tooth comb. This means very wide tooth, not just the slightly wider teeth on the combs that have wide teeth on one side and fine teeth on the other. A Mason Pearson rake comb is excellent, but needs to be bought online, and can be quite expensive. It might make a good birthday present. A Conair or Jilbere shower comb, like this: http://www.sallybeauty.com/Pastel-Shower-Comb/SBS-345635,default,pd.html is reasonably good. I suggest keeping one in the shower, to detangle while hair is full of conditioner, and another to be kept handy whereever she styles her hair.

5. Hair elastics. These are for ponytails, and the ends of braids. You want the ones without metal clips holding them together. And you want to replace them regularly, as they stretch out. You'll want a variety of sizes, thick and thin, and large and small loop, to be available, depending on the use.

5. Hairpins. To hold hair up in a bun. You can get soft wire hairpins at Sally's, which are okay. Even better are crinkled stainless steel Amish-made hairpins, like these: http://www.prayercoverings.com/catalog.php?item=212&catid=27&ret=catalog.php%3Fcategory%3D27 If you order, get a few packs to save on shipping, as kids tend to loose hairpins easily.

6. Bobby pins. You want the normal size ones, and also the larger ones that are sold as "roller pins." These can hold back wisps of hair in updos, and also can hold up buns. Buy the heavy duty ones at Sally's, they last better.

***

These are what I'd consider the basic tools for someone with long wavy hair. You can add more ornamental hairtoys and other thing as time and the budget permits, but I wouldn't overload her with fancy things until she knows how to use the basics well.

[Elph]

Having had long hair myself when young - when out (very rarly it was tailbone length) I would lay down an ultmaitum - if she wants to keep it long she has say 3 months to learn how to look after it otherwise it is chopped. I would then provide her with the tools and information to do so.

As for length if it is waist or past bsl would be enough to make it easiest to care for.

Hope this helps

[Tabihito]

The longest hair I ever had was maybe mid-back when I was about eleven. I didn't know how to take care of it, and my mom had never had long hair in her life. When one day I couldn't for the life of me get all of the tangles out, I was told that since I couldn't take care of it, I couldn't have long hair. That afternoon, my parents sat me down in the backyard and my dad gave me a haircut that was slightly shorter than chin length.

Now, to his credit, he actually did a pretty good job cutting it evenly. But it was a horrid experience, and I would never wish it on any kid. My confidence took a pretty serious blow, not to mention I had lost the hair that I'd really, really liked.

Make her wear a braid or something. Enforce other penalties if they can't keep it neat. But don't make her cut her hair.

[chloeishere]

I am sure you've already gotten a lot of good advice, but here's my two cents.

1) Get a tangle teaser. They are expensive (I think around ~$20 US depending on how strong the pound is right now), but they are very gentle at detangling, great for kids with tender scalps. Also, remember to start detangling from the bottom and hold the hair above it to keep it from yanking on her scalp. She is old enough to do this for herself, but you'll need to show her the first few times.

2) Braid her hair at night. Again, it's great to teach her to do this herself, but at least at first you are going to need to do it for her. You can also teach her to do other hairstyles, to keep it from getting so tangled. I loved when my mom would put my hair in french braids or pig tails for me as a kid.

And yes, keep her hair type in mind. Maybe you should have her detangle in the shower with lots of conditioner in her hair-- and you can show her how much to use, too! If her hair is thick and wavy, it might be a lot; but it'll make her hair much more pleasant to deal with.

I truly doubt if she loves her hair that she wants to treat it badly and leave it tangled and messy-- but she is a kid. She doesn't know how to take care of it unless someone teaches her-- and you are the best choice, as her mom! Good luck! :flowers:

[wickedwitch]

Some people have a very loose definition of the word "cruel." Given what some parents do to their children, I think it is absurd to use the word cruel in most every situation involving haircuts.

At that age, she should be responsible for her own her. Teach her how to manage it. If she wants long hair, she'll learn quickly.

[squiggyflop]

Some people have a very loose definition of the word "cruel." Given what some parents do to their children, I think it is absurd to use the word cruel in most every situation involving haircuts.

At that age, she should be responsible for her own her. Teach her how to manage it. If she wants long hair, she'll learn quickly.
i think its cruel because cutting a girl that age's hair into a pixi gives children at school licence to beat the tar out of them everyday calling them names telling them to kill themselves.. you obviously havent been in the situation.. and the kids dont forget either.. they will keep tormenting all through elementary even after the hair grows back.. once you get on the bullys radar as a possible victim thats it they just keep seeing you that way.. and the friends lost during this time usually dont come back.. by chopping her hair into a pixi she may be forcing her girl to be friendless and abused by the cruel children at school..

so i think my definition of cruel was spot on..
i came home everyday wishing i would die (other kids told me it would be better if i died), covered with bruises and scabs (inflicted by the other kids), wondering why all the children called me gay (yup kids say things like that), and wishing i could one day have friends again (all my friends dumped me and joined the tormentors).. just because my hair was short pixicut

forcing a child through that situation is definitely cruel..

now i dont think its cruel to cut the hair to shoulder (while telling her that if she learns to take care of it she can grow it out again) that way the new hair will be healthy and damage free.. so when it does grow back it will be more manageable

i may be a bit hot on this subject so i should try to hold my tongue after this

[Medievalmaniac]

It would NOT be "cruel" to get her hair cut a little shorter :rolleyes:. I mean the reality is that a busy mom might not have the time to sit for hours detangling hair. There are more important things in life than hair and I personally think that if people think it's cruel then they haven't been in your situation or have kids themselves. You could also ask her to braid it so it doesn't tangle but let her know that if she wants long hair that she has to take care of it. That's life.

It's about what you choose to prioritize. I am an extraordinarily busy mom. I teach high school English and AP Art History - 6 classes a term, 5 terms a year - in a year-round school. I also write scholarly articles and reviews, so I always have a deadline. I finished my Master's Degree last year, and am currently studying for the GRE general and subject examinations and applying for PhD programs. I am working with the ongoing Female Biography Project, for which I am compiling all scholarly writing produced on fifteen women over the past 125 years. I am an executive board member for the community theatre in my area, and therefore work on all productions. We have three dogs and three cats, and on top of all of this, I am revising my thesis for publication with a scholarly press. Did I mention I'm training for a charity half-marathon, also?

I CHOOSE to find the time to brush out my daughter's hair, because it is important to me and I enjoy doing it, and because I have the same love and interest in long hair that she does. Trust me, I could very easily chop her hair to her shoulders and be done with it; I could certainly use that extra hour a day! But neither of us would be happy with that solution. I have no problem with other people's choices, but this is mine.

Sorry - but your post seemed to indicate that moms who work with their daughters' long hair rather than cutting don't have much else to do, and I felt the need to (as gently as possible) disabuse that notion. :o

[Darkhorse1]

We have to remember this is a child---children need to realize that if you want to have something, you need to learn to care for it. If not, there are consiquences.

It's not cruel to cut a child's hair if it's not being taken care of. I think cruel is not the correct word at all.

I took pristine care of my hair at 11--perhaps this child needs to learn how to care for her hair--if not, mom needs to have it cut shorter so that the child can manage it. it's as simple as that. no one is going to scalp her daughter. Just a shorter cut-maybe mid-back?

Best of luck--you are a good mom to give this some thought. Most parents would have just said 'it's getting cut'. End of story.

[GRU]

no one is going to scalp her daughter.

Don't want to fight with you about this, but just want to point out how many of us were *forced* to wear boy-cuts through our childhood.... and it's something that still brings very bad memories, usually a combination of not being happy with our own body, being teased by other kids, being mistaken for the wrong gender, and feeling/knowing that our parents didn't GAS about how we felt or what we wanted.

There's a difference between giving a child fair* options (*fair as in give the poor kid a fighting chance -- research haircare, get her the correct products, and teach her the correct techniques), cutting her hair at mid-back, and cutting it at nape-length or shorter against her wishes.

I'm a HUGE proponent of personal responsibility, and my son knew and could say the word "consequences" when he was 2yo. If the daughter refuses to learn proper hygiene techniques, then I don't see a problem with cutting it to mid-back; she'll either be mortified and change her behavior and have it grown back to the original length after a few months, or she may discover that she likes that length.

But cutting it up to her shoulders is going way beyond what is necessary (IMO), and is more likely to create a sullen, passive-aggressive 'tween girl who will be even more likely to be uncooperative with future parental requests.

[Khiwanean]

Tell her if she wants to keep her hair long she has to learn to take care of it. I had long hair even as a child and I wasn't allowed to leave the house unless my hair was untangled. I didn't take over brushing my hair until I was probably older than most, but regardless of who did the job, it was understood that it had to be done. You might want to start with some simple tricks to brushing her hair: Start at the bottom and work up with progressively longer strokes. Pull hair over your shoulder so you don't have to awkwardly reach around the back. If the brush gets caught on a particularly tough snarl, work on pulling the tangle apart with your fingers and then go back to brushing over the spot. Hold the hair above where you are brushing so it doesn't pull at the scalp. Shake out your arms a little if you need to because your they are tired from being above shoulder.

Also teach her to braid and have her practice to get used to it. Have her braid your hair or a front section of her hair first if that makes her more comfortable. I never slept in a braid when I was young, but I now know that it would have made a BIG difference. I used to wake up with what my mom termed "rat's nests" in my hair. They were seriously huge mats near the nape of my neck that would have to be detangled. It was VERY unpleasant.

My mom had long hair when she was younger, but by the time I was born she wore it very short. Most of what I've learned about caring for my hair I figured out on my own. It doesn't have to be that way. It would have been much easier if I'd been taught how to care for my hair better than I was, but I don't blame my mom for it. She may never have know some of the things I now know, or may never have thought to teach me some of the things she had figured out.

That said, I don't think it's unreasonable to have her hair cut to say shoulder length [eta: at the shortest. Don't cut it shorter if that's unnecessary for the purpose of avoiding tangles. You could even frame it as starting over with a clean slate hair-wise.]. IF she refuses to work with you to establishsome guidelines to care for her hair and follow those guidelines. But make sure she understands that that is the condition of not getting her hair cut beforehand. It would likely also be a good idea to set some kind of timeline for her to have her haircare routine in place and be following it or it will get cut.

[pennyroyal]

Forcing her to cut her hair is definitley not the answer! Everyone has already given you great suggestions & i hope you choose some of these over cutting her hair. She will only resent you for it.

[LisaJaney]

In all of parenting (I have three grown sons, the oldest of which knew how to push every button I owned) I say "pick your battles". This is one I wouldn't fight over. I saved my fights for safety things, like drugs or drinking or driving too fast or...well, hanging out with girls who I felt were "nothin' but trouble'. Things that would hinder their future, longterm happiness or endanger them in some way now. Hair? Nah, never entered the picture for me in the "yeah, this is worth fighting about" category. Of my three sons, Beppie always liked his hair long (he now shaves his head as bald as he can, most of the time) and it's curly and fine and those ringlets running down his back would tangle something fierce, so I just told him "You need to take care of it if you're going to keep it long" and he did...up until he didn't anymore, and then HE decided to cut it. It was always HIS choice, and he knew that, and I didn't ride him about it. I figured if he left the house with his hair in a state, his friends would say something, and THAT would be far more effective than what *I* said, anyway.

I agree with the posters who said if you force this issue, you become - on some level - "the enemy", and you don't want to foster that sort of relationship with a daughter if you can help it. Save your battles for the life-n-death stuff. Keep yourself someone she can trust with the small things, and she'll trust you for the big things, and she won't resent your interference when you protect her with the bigger things.

Now, having said that, she needs to not run around looking like some sort of child raised by wolves. But it's kinda her choice. Would layers help? (they helped me immensely) Would thinning it help? And would a super-siliconed conditioner help? Something with a lot of slip in it that really coats and slicks-up the hairshaft so it's not so prone to grabbing its neighbor and wrapping itself around it. With thick hair like that, she could afford to wear a weighty conditioner that would DROWN my hair.

And braids at night.

I appreciate what Midieval Maniac said: with a schedule/life as busy as hers, that nightly detangling session must be heaven for that daughter -- so she KNOWS that mom isn't too busy for her. It's insurance against the future, protecting their closeness. God knows that'll be tried during the teen years, but she's smart to be close to her girl by investing in something that the daughter cares about like this.

[Ursula]

Another thing I've noticed is that often a very small trim (less than two inches) can make a big difference when tangles stat to get out of hand. When the ends get worn and split, just that little bit to remove damage and even them out makes a big difference.

So the tangle issue may be helped with a tiny trim, as well as with use of the proper tools and techniques for dealing with thick wavy hair.

[Purdy Bear]

As a recipient of a forced cut at age 11, I can safely say, you will be injuring the relationship between yourself and your daughter.

I would go for styles that she can do easily rather then a cut.

The tangles may be due to the wave in her hair, mine was the same at that age.

How about making a daily daughter and mother time, where you can just sit and chat together, with the some food or drinks and just spend time with each other while you do each others hair. This is something I remember with my Grandmother and aunt, when I was only 4 years old, and it stays with me - a really good memory. You could also watch You Tube videos on up dos if shes allowed to watch!

Also something else that may help, is to help her with some wonderful hair accessoires (clips, bands, barrettes etc), she could even try making some herself, if I can do it anyone can.

[Medievalmaniac]

In all of parenting (I have three grown sons, the oldest of which knew how to push every button I owned) I say "pick your battles".

I appreciate what Midieval Maniac said: with a schedule/life as busy as hers, that nightly detangling session must be heaven for that daughter -- so she KNOWS that mom isn't too busy for her. It's insurance against the future, protecting their closeness. God knows that'll be tried during the teen years, but she's smart to be close to her girl by investing in something that the daughter cares about like this.

These are both exactly the reasons for which I do go out of my way to make sure we get that time. As I said before, I want her to have these memories of mommy-and-me, something we do together that is uniquely ours.

And in terms of picking battles - you are so right in that respect. There are only so many things you can hold your ground on before your child starts pulling away instinctively because you're "the bad guy". In our case, this is her hair, aged 6. I'm saving the big battles for dating and curfews.....! :run::run:If I choose to make this a major issue, along with a dozen or so other things that ultimately will have no bearing on who she grows up to become as a person, then I cheapen the power I have to help shape her moral conviction and sense of self - which is so much more important. I'm laying the ground now for her to know that I have her best interests at heart and that I am doing what it is in my capacity to do in order to help her realize her dreams (she wants to have "hair down to my butt so I can sit on it"). So for now, I take the time (about an hour a day, if we count morning and evening brushing/combing and styling) to focus exclusively on her and on her hair goal. In ten years, hopefully the investment pays off and she is willing and able to trust me when I say "he's not really helping you work towards your dream, is he?" or something similar.

In other words - for us, the hair is relational. In fact, this past week she was with her grandparents for the week having a fantastic time. She called every night to regale us with stories of everything they did and she sounded like she was just having the time of her life. But one night, she called crying, pretty inconsolably, because she missed the way I brushed her hair and grandma didn't know how to. I managed to calm her down by promising that the first thing I did when she got home would be to brush her hair.

And I did. And the sigh of contentment that came out of her little self, and the visible relaxing it caused as she eased back into being home after a very busy and exciting week, tells me I am so right to do this. :):):):):)

[LisaJaney]

Yeppers, save those battles for dating and curfews!!! Brilliant post -- You're a Wise Mom!!! :flowers:

[akka naeda]

I've had exactly this problem with my DD, she's 12 now, and the refusal to have her hair cut has been going on for about 5 years. I think she's hoping to be able to wear my hairsticks:) Her problem is exacerbated by the fact she has to wear an acrylic jumper as part of her school uniform, this creates masses of static, and masses of tangles.

Anyway, I've solved this by insisting she wears it plaited (in her case this just means a simple plait, but French, Dutch plaits, one each side of the head etc may be more to your daughter's liking) She's happy with that because it means she can keep her hair long and yesterday we found that she can put her hair in a ponytail (with elastic at nape), twist it into the beginnings of a log roll, clip it with a leather slide and leave the tail hanging to about shoulder length. She's very pleased with this and insisted on wearing her hair like it to school:) But..... she now wants some special clips and slides just for her.

[lapushka]

Hi, my 11 years old daughter has had really long hair since she was about 8. Her hair is lovely when its been brushed, but it takes a long time to brush, wash, condition etc. Her hair is naturally very thick and wavy. She looks after her hair herself but because its so knotty there are often big knots in it that I end up brushing out because it hurts so much she doesn't bother. She is head- sore so hates brushing and combing her hair. Her hair is currently a few inches above her waist. I've told her that if she had her hair shorter how much easier it would be etc, but she is insistent she wants it long even though she doesn't look after it properly. Tried to compromise aswell but everytime I say she is having some length off at the hair dressers she cries. So i'd love your opinions, do you think I should make her get it cut shorter, like a little longer than shoulder length, do you think I should have it cut short like pixie length or should I let her keep it really long, I don't want her to be upset however I just think her hair is too much to manage. Also I've consulted with my stylist and she said that she has got lovely hair but agreed that it would be much easier. Thanks in advance xxx

She obviously doesn't want it cut, so I wouldn't force her no matter what.

Teach her how to care for her hair properly while you still can, and go step by step (from washing to updos to nice accessories). Make it your special mother and daughter moment (like others have suggested). In a few years' time she might not want you teaching her anything anymore, because then she'll know better (puberty). So enjoy it while you still can.

No child is going to just magically know how to care for long hair on their own. I'd take the tips that were given here to heart and I'd browse the forum for more tips on hair care. There's a difference between taking care of straight hair, wavy hair, and curly hair. Having thick hair doesn't make things any easier either. So there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. If she has so many tangles and there's so much fuss with brushing or combing (I'd comb, not brush), then something's obviously not going right.

I wish you both the best of luck!

[LisaJaney]

She's very pleased with this and insisted on wearing her hair like it to school:) But..... she now wants some special clips and slides just for her.

This is great, and it's lucky for her she has such a hair-toy-enabler for a mom, huh!!!

[chelssix]

I think maybe you should teach her how to properly care for her hair, and show her that there's a difference between just long hair, and long hair that's looked after- a lot of times, once someone sees the difference (and I remember at 11, I was not the most observant, and may not have noticed that difference, myself!) they WANT to care for their hair.

[SpeakingEZ]

I'm surprised that at 11 years old, she is still having someone brush her hair for her, to be honest. I just texted my mother to see how old I was and she said 6 or 7 (I had butt-length hair). Maybe not having given the responsibility earlier is taking a toll on her maturity in this matter.



In all of parenting (I have three grown sons, the oldest of which knew how to push every button I owned) I say "pick your battles". . . . Hair? Nah, never entered the picture for me in the "yeah, this is worth fighting about" category.

This was my mother's take on it! Her issue was that it was always huge and frizzy (I brushed my wavy hair, but I loved it crazy-like). She would always say, "if my teenage daughter's hair is the only thing I have to complain about with her, I'm a very lucky mom."

I'm also waiting to hear back from the OP. I hope she's reading this wealth of advice.

[LithiaBlack]

Please do not cut hair hair of!
My mother forced me to chop my hair of when I was 10 because either me or her knew how to properly detangle without causing head soreness. I spent my early teens being mistaken for a boy. It was not fun...

If I had a daughter I would turn the detangling sessions into mother/daughter quality time. I would try to teach my daughter how to baby her hair like I do mine.

/L

/L

[Merlin]

I'm also waiting to hear back from the OP. I hope she's reading this wealth of advice.

I'm sure she's enjoying reading your replies

[UltraBella]

I made my daughter get bangs cut when she was around eight years old. I told her that her hair could no longer hang in her face, and I bought her headbands, barrettes, elastics, bobby pins, etc....... anything she might possibly need to keep her hair back. It didn't work, so I took her to get bangs. Now that she is older and fully willing to be responsible for her own hair I let her do whatever she would like, within reason.
I do not think a haircut would be devastating as long as it is not too drastic. I consider hair "long" if it is past the shoulders. As long as it is kept long it is easy to grow out later.
My mother forced to to get my hair cut short several times in grade school because it is so thick and time consuming to care for. I remember not liking it at the time, and I certainly cringe when looking through childhood photos, but I am in no way emotionally scarred by it.
Make the best decision you can for you and your daughter. Good luck !

[SpeakingEZ]

I'm sure she's enjoying reading your replies

The suspense is killing me. :D

[Nera]

I have hair of the most tangeling kind on earth, and my mother didn't let me have it long. I don't blame her, it is a hell to maintain, and having a 6 year old with dreadlocks wasn't her idea of looking neat. But then again, she didn't have the right techniques to untangle hair that you probably have.

And the 'spending time together' part is obviously an amazing thing, only if you actually have time to do that. Both my parents worked two jobs. So I had short hair and it wasn't really such a big deal.

[Cheddar]

Hi, have just read through all your posts, thank you so much for all the advice! I really like the idea of having quality mother and daughter time whilst detangeling her hair. Oh and for whoever it was that said that she should be brushing her own hair, she does! Just tries to avoid doing it because she is head sore. My daughter is having her hair cut on friday, thats why I was asking this question, and after reading these posts she has agreed to have a couple of inches off.
Thanks again!

[luckyduck]

That is great! I have learned a more in the last 2 months about caring for my thick wavy hair, than everything I was ever taught the last 54 years! Now it is not crazy hair, but smooth and shiny with more curls than I thought it would have. Enjoy learning together!

[lapushka]

Hi, have just read through all your posts, thank you so much for all the advice! I really like the idea of having quality mother and daughter time whilst detangeling her hair. Oh and for whoever it was that said that she should be brushing her own hair, she does! Just tries to avoid doing it because she is head sore. My daughter is having her hair cut on friday, thats why I was asking this question, and after reading these posts she has agreed to have a couple of inches off.
Thanks again!

Does she brush/comb with two hands? I mean, with one hand holding the hair, the other gently brushing/combing it, so without pulling on the scalp directly. I thought there were vids on YouTube out there about how to brush/comb your hair the right way. Can't find any right now, but someone else might be able to help with this.

[Darkhorse1]

Cheddar--I'm glad your daughter is getting her hair cut-it sounds very hard to manage. I think it'll be good to get a fresh start, and then she can probably manage it easier. It sounds like it gets tangled quite easily and that's painful for anyone--plus, if she has a sensitive scalp to boot.

I hope she finds some relief from the tangles with her new 'do'.

[Lassie]

no no no...
my mother did this to me......
a grudge i still bear

[Linnykinz]

I second this. It's what being a parent is all about. If she gets sick of long hair care herself, well okay. But please help her. My Mom used to force me into short cuts til I was 13. I have nothing but unhappy memories of her regarding my personal hair choices. :( Some kids do know they love and desire long hair. Help her if you can. Please? :)

I third this! My hair was always short too, and I've never had hair past APL really :( show her some styles that are really pretty, like braids, french braids, ponytails, etc that she can use. Let her practice on your hair, have a time every night or a few times a week to have a mommy-daughter hair time :D it's never too early to start taking care of your hair

[Mariah!!]

hi, i just recently found that hair silk and/or spray leave in conditioner works for me really well so that my comb just glides through my hair! i will never go without that stuff again!! make sure that the ends of her hair arent split and repair damage with trims and hair silk to make it much easier to brush through. split ends are very hard to brush through. the hair silk you can get is by CHI but it is really expensive. bio silk has some too, but i just go to Sally's (beauty supply store) and get a generic brand that my friend introduced me to. it also smooths, shines and repairs hair really well! it makes brushing much easier. also the spray leave in conditioner is easy to find. basically any brand makes it. just go to walmart.
perhaps you could compromise with her and get her hair layerd or thinned. get her a flat iron and her hair will also be much easier to brush since it will be straight and flat, which makes it feel thinner too.

try one or even all of those and it should make a big impact on the upkeep and maintnance time she and you spends on her hair!! good luck!!

PS

trim
thin
layer

spray conditioner
hair silk
flat iron

PSS

never ever brush from top to bottom! start at the bottom and work your way up! that way the tangles dont accumulate at the bottomand you have bigger knots to brush through
my hair was down to my waist in kindergarten, and my aunt cut 9 inches off one day!! i was so sad! i still think that my hair would be on average MUCH MUCH longer these days if that length had been maintaned my whole life. once you cut it short..... its very hard to get it back because you feel the urge to cut it when it gets to awkward lengths. this is why my hair proably still has never got back down there again!! please dont cut it!! ;)

[rusika1]

I'd say give her a chance to learn how to care for it properly. Condition and comb (gently!) in the shower, braid it at bedtime--two might be easier at first--show her the hairstyle directions here so she can learn to make messy buns for daytime.

You know, there are a few advantages to daily mom and daughter hairtime.

First, if you save it until evening, it's a perfect opportunity for you both to relax a little. (I think mornings are a little too rushed, increasing the chances of an impatient mom and an unhappy girl.)

Second, this is also the perfect opportunity for you and your daughter to just talk--about her favorite band, or that mean girl in her class. About everything and anything, really. She's almost a teenager, establishing time that's just for the two of you might pay off in the future. (who knows, you could end up being that rare creature--a mom who isn't totally stupid!;)

I read this article a few months ago, and really liked it:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/22/AR2010012203259.html

ETA: From everything I've heard on this site, she should probably give up the brush and learn to carefully comb her wavy hair instead.

[FlowFlow]

My mama taught me that the hair style should reflect the lifestyle, especially with regards to children that are either too young or lack the responsibility to care for it. So I've always been pro sensible, stylish, easy care hair for the kiddos. As they get older they are more than welcome to earn privledge if they show that they are ready for the responsibility of a more complicated do. However, this poor baby has already been allowed to experience and fall in love with very long hair. I think that the best thing to do at this point is parenting and discipline. Just like when teaching and training our kids to a specific task maybe use rewards and consequences. Make haircare one of her chores to be taken just as seriously as the others. I definitely agree with members that protective hairstyles are a must as well.

Good luck, mama!!! It shows an extra measure of sensitivity that you are willing to weigh options and not just chop.:)

[hermosamendoza]

please don't make her cut it if she likes it. you can always put it up in different styles. my mom had to cut my hair off several times as a kid becuase their was a lice outbreak.

Not that this will happen to your daughter but I always got confused for a boy aka a crown for the prince while my sister was the princess. My mom said 'uh, she is a princess too.' that has scarred me for life. maybe that is also why I want long hair cause I don't want to be confused as a boy.

my nieces have long thick hair and my SIL buys BB hair lotion and combs it through and detangles. they have hair to their waiste. they always where it back in a pony-braid when they go to school or outside to play. their mom wants to cut their hair off cause she is tired of it but they beg her to wait until they have their sweet 16 lol (they are 7 and 10)

[justgreen]

My only contribution to this thread is to suggest that you might try washing her hair with conditioner to remove those tangles instead of yanking them out by brushing. I had waist length hair when I was the same age as your daughter and my mother always lovingly laid me on the kitchen counter and washed my hair in the sink so it wouldn't tangle so bad. Then she applied some VO5 conditioning gel from a tube and braided it every day.

[may1em]

Haven't read the whole thread - but teach her to take care of it herself, and let her either do so or fail to do so and have to walk around with tangles. She's too old to be depending on you for haircare. At 11, I had longer than waist wavy hair, and it was entirely my responsibility. Getting it braided by Mom was a special treat that happened no more than once a week. Did this mean that a lot of the time, I walked around with a really stupid-looking ponytail? Yes, but I still liked my hair.

[simplysnuggle]

My mother did the same thing to me when I was about 11 or so I have very wavy very thick and cutting it shorter actually made it worse for me.. It turned into a huge poofball. It wasn't until middle school that we discovered detangling spray and it works wonders. Also when she washes/ conditions her hair get her a wide tooth comb that she can use in the shower so she can brush the conditioner thru her hair. It helps so much! Also as others have stated teach her to braid her own hair especially for sleeping it cuts down on damage and tangles! It's a two-fer. If you have any questions feel free to message me... Good Luck!

[Coffeebug]

Hi, have just read through all your posts, thank you so much for all the advice! I really like the idea of having quality mother and daughter time whilst detangeling her hair. Oh and for whoever it was that said that she should be brushing her own hair, she does! Just tries to avoid doing it because she is head sore. My daughter is having her hair cut on friday, thats why I was asking this question, and after reading these posts she has agreed to have a couple of inches off.
Thanks again!

That sounds like a good compromise. I think she's getting to that age where she'll start doing a more thorough job of combing it herself anyway - I seem to remember I got better at hair care and braiding around that age and mine was around waist too.

[Darkhorse1]

I think the OP has already chosen to have her daughter's hair trimmed a few inches or so. I think it's a great idea to also get rid of any snags/snarls and have a fresh start.

There are many products that can help her with the tangles Cheddar--I know many people swear by Mane and Tail detangler. For humans, not horses ;) (was derived from the product used for horses).

Also, having a sensative scalp is harder--makes it quite painful to have those snarls.

[Sarahmoon]

Cheddar I'm glad you came back and read through 7 pages of replies!
If your girl wants to keep long hair, definitely let her read her through all the advice. The right combing and washing techniques together with protective styles will make such a huge difference.

I agree that 11 years old is old enough to take care of your own hair, but remember if one never learns how to do something, they still can't do it even if they're 40 years old.