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Pandora.
June 21st, 2010, 09:41 AM
Sorry, I just wanted a place to rant.

I haven't straightened my hair for the past 10 days (which is really good for me), so instead I've been tying it back with some of my natural waves framing my face. This annoys my mom - MAJORLY. Everyday she'll bug me, coming up to me and glaring at me and saying "why don't you do something with your hair, you look like a tramp!" or "why have you given up hair straightening you silly girl!" and I'm not even kidding. She constantly nags me about how I'm letting myself go. She seems to think I don't brush my hair, even when I do! She even said to me "don't you dare come out of your room when my friends get here unless you straighten your hair" which, in my opinion, is absolutely ridiculous. The stupid thing is that my hair IS brushed and styled normally, I mean since when was a secure bun scruffy?

I really want to limit my heat styling, but with her constantly in my face it's so hard. Sometimes I've even felt pressured into straightening my hair even when I really don't want to, just to make her shut the hell up. :mad:

She has told me that if I keep this up, she's going to sell my hair straighteners (which right now wouldn't be a particularly good thing) and that she isn't going to pay for me to have my roots colored (I don't really want to go round with half a head of roots, and I don't really want to pay for them to be done myself either since I've already got a lot of stuff I need to buy as it is).

I am not letting myself go! How dare she say that to me. :(

TiaKitty
June 21st, 2010, 09:53 AM
Ugh. Sorry your mom's saying those things to you. Does your mom know about your desire to have long, healthy hair? Does your mom straighten her hair?

MicheleClaire
June 21st, 2010, 09:55 AM
Wow that is not beneficial to your efforts! xD

Just remember that your body and your things do not legally belong to you until you turn 18. Sucks, right? If she wants to sell your things, she can, and her signature is needed on almost all medical things regarding your body (at least in the US x.x).

SO we must fight this! =)

First, hide all the stuff you don't want your mom to sell. I recommend a cheap lock box. Chain it to the furniture if you think she's serious.

Second, I doubt she's going to run after you with a hair straightener or shove chloroform in your face so a professional hairstylist can come and visit. xD So you'll just have to ignore her. Try your best to explain what you're doing, maybe show her some LHC articles? I know moms though, and that probably won't work. x.x

And regarding the hair dye stuff. I grew out my dyed hair and yes, there were ugly roots for a bit, but it isn't the end of the world! It's much healthier hair growing! If you wanted, you could go to the stylist one last time and have them dye your hair your natural color so it isn't as obvious when the roots grow out. Or you could buy those touch up dyes at the pharmacies or grocery stores and do it yourself!

Good luck with this stuff! xD

09robiha
June 21st, 2010, 09:56 AM
My mum was my biggest critic when I started to wear my hair curly, and started CO washing. In the end I just stopped listening and as my hair got better and better, she became my biggest supporter. Now she makes a face when I have straight hair and wont hear of me having it cut!!

Im sure your mum will come around.

Pandora.
June 21st, 2010, 09:57 AM
Ugh. Sorry your mom's saying those things to you. Does your mom know about your desire to have long, healthy hair? Does your mom straighten her hair?

In her opinion, there's nothing wrong with my hair and that I'm being stupid, but I just want my hair to be healthier that's all.

My mom has had long thick hair for as long as she's lived. She's been coloring her hair for years, and she has straightened her hair daily for years, and I think her hair might just be a few inches longer than mine!

I don't want to tell her about LHC, because she will go nuts and call me obsessive.

Dreams_in_Pink
June 21st, 2010, 09:59 AM
"don't you dare come out of your room when my friends get here unless you straighten your hair"

lolwhat? :D i almost cannot imagine a mom saying that! (my mom's anti-iron, she hates all kinds of "irons") But i can somewhat feel for this situation; right now my mom's trying to get me in a salon for the wedding ceremony :/

myotislucifugus
June 21st, 2010, 10:00 AM
Um... see if you can find other alternatives to chemically dying the roots, for starters, that will lessen her power over you.

I would just start wearing head scarves, and completely cover everything. I hate when people tell me to look a certain way, so I'd dress myself in a way that she doesn't have to look at, and yet will probably still stand out to her.

Or, dye your hair blue, or learn to home touch up. The kits are way cheaper than pro jobs. Also, if she sells your straightener, that will act as motivation to not use heat. Why don't you sell them first? Then use the money to buy some home touch up kits... or a dye job that isn't high maintanence

UltraBella
June 21st, 2010, 10:01 AM
And here I am trying to gently talk my 14 year old daughter into putting her flat iron away...... I am sorry your mother is not more understanding :(

Pandora.
June 21st, 2010, 10:05 AM
Wow that is not beneficial to your efforts! xD

Just remember that your body and your things do not legally belong to you until you turn 18. Sucks, right? If she wants to sell your things, she can, and her signature is needed on almost all medical things regarding your body (at least in the US x.x).

SO we must fight this! =)

First, hide all the stuff you don't want your mom to sell. I recommend a cheap lock box. Chain it to the furniture if you think she's serious.

Second, I doubt she's going to run after you with a hair straightener or shove chloroform in your face so a professional hairstylist can come and visit. xD So you'll just have to ignore her. Try your best to explain what you're doing, maybe show her some LHC articles? I know moms though, and that probably won't work. x.x

And regarding the hair dye stuff. I grew out my dyed hair and yes, there were ugly roots for a bit, but it isn't the end of the world! It's much healthier hair growing! If you wanted, you could go to the stylist one last time and have them dye your hair your natural color so it isn't as obvious when the roots grow out. Or you could buy those touch up dyes at the pharmacies or grocery stores and do it yourself!

Good luck with this stuff! xD

Haha, I think that would aggravate her even more. xD

I don't think I could face growing out my roots, I would look horrific, and I would be really upset to go around with my hair like that (my roots + my current color = REPULSIVE). I'm not going to dye my hair back to my natural color, I gave endured far too much for the color I have now. Besides, I look a million times better as a light blonde than I do with my mousy brown hair. My confidence would just drop drastically if I did that. I think if the worst comes to the worst I would just go to the hairdressers myself no matter how expensive, I'm too scared to dye my own hair anyways. :p


My mum was my biggest critic when I started to wear my hair curly, and started CO washing. In the end I just stopped listening and as my hair got better and better, she became my biggest supporter. Now she makes a face when I have straight hair and wont hear of me having it cut!!

Im sure your mum will come around.

The thing is, I know my mom and I know for a FACT she won't come around. She's notoriously stubborn, and when she has an opinion on something there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it - regardless of whether her opinion is incorrect or not. By the sounds of it, your mom sounds a hundred times nicer than my mom! :p

I love wearing my hair down wavy (when it goes right), but all she does is make rude comments like "you look about 10 years old with your scruffy and unbrushed hair". Grrrrrrrrrrrr. :/

Fractalsofhair
June 21st, 2010, 10:07 AM
You can bleach your hair yourself. I know that feeling, my aunt is the exact same way, and my hair isn't even that wavy! XD It's annoying, to say the least, but I think a lot of parents are like that, they have an idea in their head of what their kid should look like. I'd suggest hiding the natural waves around her, brush them out when you put your hair into a bun around her. Have you tried hair wrapping so your hair looks "straightened" for her? As far as selling straighteners, hey, then you won't be able to use it, and your hair will get healthier! Have you tried gel/CO washing so your hair looks "neatier" and you can claim it's "beachy waves" for the summer? Also, look at hairtoys! She might be willing to be ok with wavy hair if it's with an "expensive"/nice hair toy(especially if she'd be willing to buy it.) if she's worried you'll look unkempt. It's hard to say a GrathoeStudio's fork would make anyone look like they don't take care of their hair! xD

Fractalsofhair
June 21st, 2010, 10:09 AM
Oh, as far as colors, could you try a medium/dark blond dye? The roots won't be as noticeable, in the event you'd have to grow it out?

Anje
June 21st, 2010, 10:09 AM
Wow, I can't even imagine my parents saying anything like that to me when I was your age. (Then again, they asked me to stop getting such good grades because they were worried that I was stressing myself out. You can't win sometimes with parents!)

It might not be the best idea, but in your position I'd probably tell her off. Say that I'm trying something different with my hair, that it's my body, just because I'm wearing it differently does not make it "scruffy", and how I look is really none of her business! Say that as a female teen you're insecure enough about your appearance without your mom telling you that you're ugly! (Yeah, that might be a bit out of proportion, but sometimes that seems to be the most effective way of getting parents to realize when they're getting out of line and picking on you too much.)

Pandora.
June 21st, 2010, 10:16 AM
Thanks for your input guys :) I would respond to you individually but that would take me ages. :p

I have yelled at her back (trust me, I don't hold back my tongue when someone annoys me) explaining: "It's my hair not yours, just quit moaning and get over it. I'm soon to be 17, not 10. No wonder me and my sister are so self-concious, since you're to blame for your judgemental-ness."

Generally, she's quite strongly against any hairstyle that's not flat-ironed on most people (no joke). Even if I were to do the most fanciest updo with the prettiest hairtoys, she would probably go mad at me for going out like that.

MsBubbles
June 21st, 2010, 11:45 AM
Not sure if this has been covered yet (I did a quick skim-through of the thread), but 'tramp' in the UK is not the same as 'tramp' in the US!! It doesn't mean a sleep-around, (or at least it didn't when I used to live there). It has more of a 'bum' connotation. Not to be confused with the 'rear-end' meaning of bum, either. LOL!

cm006j
June 21st, 2010, 11:51 AM
Take comfort that you won't live with her forever. When I was young my mom was always telling me to go and brush my hair again or asking if I had brushed it at all. She also disliked the way I dressed (too old-fashioned/modest). We had a lot of fights about it.

But now, I'm an adult and when we're not living under the same roof it has gotten so much easier to not argue about it. It seems like my mom thought when I was living with her that everything I did was a reflection on her and people would judge her. Now I'm on my own, she doesn't seem to worry about that as much anymore.

alwayssmiling
June 21st, 2010, 11:52 AM
Blimey! I gave up telling my daughter how to do her hair years ago, she's only 11. Lol.

I think you should keep up with cutting down on the heat for your hair. It will pay off in the long run (well I don't have to tell you that). Though I do think its traditional for mums to disapprove of their daughters appearance, but I haven't heard of not hairstraightening being a cause of tension before! My mum used to get mad at me because I would use food colouring out of the cupboard to turn my hair red, she would say you can't go out until you've washed that out of your hair. I also used to backcomb and spike it up (like Toyah) she hated it! Lol.

Bast
June 21st, 2010, 12:30 PM
Tell her it's a phase you're going through, all teenagers go through phases. You're doing an experiment with your hair that you talked about with somebody from school.

And, ironically, it'd all be true...I mean, if you consider living to be eternally learning new things. :D

Yozhik
June 21st, 2010, 12:47 PM
Good luck with your situation with your mother.

I'd probably tell her "it's my hair, and that I think it looks good wavy" (also, like another poster mentioned, talk about them as summer beach waves -- I bet that'll get her on your side :)). She doesn't have to like it, but it doesn't mean that you're embarrassing her in front of her friends. Also, you could mention that "messy" curly hair and side braids are in this season, so you could give a "I'm being trendy and hip" spin on it.

I hope that helps :flower:
Just be strong, and in the long run your hair will really thank you for it.

spidermom
June 21st, 2010, 01:19 PM
I think that if you want her to pay, you'll have to play the game her way. When you're independent, you can make more of your own decisions. (this doesn't mean that I don't think she's being mean because I think she is, but it's her dime)

xoxophelia
June 21st, 2010, 01:26 PM
You could do two french braids on damp hair before going to bed and then your waves will be neater?

Isilme
June 21st, 2010, 01:29 PM
Sell your straighteners before she does and use the money as you find good. (on salon visits maybe?) I would be mad at her if it was my mom. Just ignore her.
You will suddenly become deaf when she says anything about your hair.

alwayssmiling
June 21st, 2010, 04:05 PM
I think that if you want her to pay, you'll have to play the game her way. When you're independent, you can make more of your own decisions. (this doesn't mean that I don't think she's being mean because I think she is, but it's her dime)

You are wise spidermom :)

Meaghan
June 21st, 2010, 04:29 PM
I've never experienced this level of disapproval from my parents, but if I did, you can 100% guarantee that I would do exactly what I wanted, and if they don't like it, they can suck it.

As harsh as it sounds, your mother is a huge contributor to your self-esteem, and she's doing a royally horrible job of boosting you up.

Get up the guts to dye your hair yourself, or ask a friend to for you. If you want your long, healthy hair, you're going to have to work for it, and your mother telling you to burn your hair every day is the exact opposite of what your hair needs, as I'm sure you know.

You're old enough to make your own decisions about your hair, whether your mother thinks so or not. Make your own decisions.

HintOfMint
June 21st, 2010, 05:45 PM
I think that if you want her to pay, you'll have to play the game her way. When you're independent, you can make more of your own decisions. (this doesn't mean that I don't think she's being mean because I think she is, but it's her dime)

First off, I am so sorry to hear that your mother is like this. And I'm glad you stand up for yourself. That kind of resilience will carry you far.

However, if it is going to be her dime, there is a hairwrapping technique you can use to straighten your hair without heat or chemicals. If it is straight, regardless of how it came about, maybe she'll get off your back, and you won't have to worry about roots.

jaine
June 21st, 2010, 08:28 PM
It is interesting reading this thread and seeing everyone's creative ideas to meet your needs and your mom's needs at the same time.

I'm definitely hearing your need... for autonomy, respect, privacy, healthy hair...
Your mom's needs I have a little bit harder time seeing... maybe underneath it all is a need for respect from her friends? I'm not sure ... I've never been a mom so it's hard to visualize. If she just wants to feel admired and respected by her friends, I wonder if there's some other way for her to get that.

I straightened my hair today without heat ... I used hard-hold gel and a fine-tooth comb to set it, then combed out the crunch after it dried ... but I suspect that continuing to straighten your hair might not address your need for autonomy and respect ... it depends. Sorry I don't have very many ideas to add but I hope you and your mom can figure something out that makes both of you happy.

Laylah
June 21st, 2010, 08:54 PM
I'm sorry that you are going through a rough patch with your mom...I'm your age, and none of us will have the perfect with our mothers, or anyone for the matter. My advice to you is to be patient and be kind to her, because she loves you, but she is not perfect. I'm sure that you have said some cruel things to her in the past, as will your children to you, and you to your children, but that is the purpose of being family, that you will forgive one another. Try to explain to her why you don't want to straighten your hair, and hopefully she will understand. Retaliation and defiance toward her will only make the both of you more bitter.
This was said by the great-grandson of Muhammad: Even though you are not Muslim, this quote is universal-
"Then she [your mother] was most happy feeding you, even if she herself had no clothes; giving you milk and water; not caring for her own thirst; keeping you in the shade, even if she had to suffer from the heat of the sun; giving you every comfort with her own hardship; lulling you to sleep while keeping herself awake."

Although the heat, the sun, and the shade are metaphorical, it is undoubted that your mother cares very much about you and loves you very much; devoted herself to your care since you were a baby. It only makes sense to return with kindness and patience. I hope everything works out with her. :)

Pimpernel
June 21st, 2010, 09:10 PM
Sorry you're having such a hard time with your mom. :( I'm almost 30 and my mom is the same way. She has naturally pin straight shiny hair and she refuses to believe that my hair isn't the same. She's constantly telling me that it's just frizzy because I don't brush it (which actually makes my kinky, frizzy hair WORSE). If I don't flat iron my hair, both her and my dad complain that I'm should brush my hair and that I'm not taking care of myself. Makes me feel like crap, so I can imagine how you feel!

AmandaPanda
June 21st, 2010, 09:37 PM
I don't understand....she wants you to flatiron yet she threatens to sell your flatirons? huh?

I used to get in trouble for blowfrying my hair (why did we even have one?). It was "a waste of electricity" we didn't have a dryer either, not until we moved just before i turned 18. my mom is really opinionated too. I can't stand it. She somehow got this idea in her head that if I did my own laundry I would only wash a few things at a time. I didn't start doing my own laundry until I went to college. I practically begged her to let me do my own, but she wouldn't let me. How many parents out there would gladly let their kids do their own laundry?
Even now, she still keeps washing some of my things (that I've paid for with my money). We got into a disagreement the other day. She has ruined my clothes in the past (mainly dye transfer). I have a pair of pants that can't go into the dryer. If something happens to my clothes, I want it to be on *me* because if it's not then i'd have to try to get money out of her for new clothes.

jeanniet
June 21st, 2010, 10:09 PM
Honestly, if you're a good kid and responsible, I think she should be grateful. Hair is a pretty trivial thing for the mother of a teenager to worry about. If my kids (I have teenage boys) were to shave their heads or something I might be a bit taken aback, but in the overall scheme of things it's not something to pitch a fit about. Sounds like your mom hasn't learned to pick her battles very carefully. Sorry she's giving you such a hard time.

Milui Elenath
June 22nd, 2010, 12:05 AM
Just wondering Pandora, do you think your mother is serious about not paying for your root touch ups? If she is this upset about you not flat ironing will she want you going around with root growth? Perhaps it is an idle threat to get you to flat iron because she knows you wouldn't want that. In the meantime I would try to just chill about it. Keep going with what you want to do and if she sells your flat irons temptation will be out of the way! (Besides doesn't she flat iron as well)If she follows through on no root touch ups cross that bridge then.

Pandora.
June 22nd, 2010, 09:32 AM
Well today I put my hair up in a side bun with a pretty butterfly hair clip, and I really liked it. However, she HATED it. She's already told me off for it and has snatched my hair straighteners off me. She's booked a hairdressers appointment for herself and my sister but not me. She makes me feel really crappy, and she's just always in a horrible mood with me unless my hair is flat-ironed. I talked to my grandma about the situation earlier, and she said my mom is being stupid; she mentioned that my mom has had some hair disasters in her childhood and has always been self-concious about her looks, but she's inflicted these insecurities upon me and my sister and in the long run she's had a very negative effect on us. I've struggled with such a fragile self esteem in the past, and when I have kids I most certainly do not want to pass this on to them like they way she has done with me!

I pretend like I don't care, but it really upsets me when she treats me like this. I feel as if she doesn't accept me unless I completely change the way I look, I mean she gives me weird looks for leaving the house without make-up. She's told me before that she won't be seen with me unless I "make the effort" to dress up (this is coming from my mom who notoriously wears a ton of make-up, wears the highest heels and just generally dresses really glamorous every single day). I specifically remember last year when we planned to go to the supermarket together, and I was dressed in jeans, ballet pumps, vest top and one of my favorite necklaces, and I had my hair wavy and I wasn't wearing as much make-up as I normally would (only a bit of mascara, some eye-shadow, blusher and chapstick - which, to be honest, is a fair amount of make-up as it is), so she turned round and said to me: "You are NOT going out with me looking like THAT. Why can't you just do something with your scruffy self!" So, therefore, she left without me. Would someone please explain to me how that would appear to be scruffy?! Just because I'm not wearing the whole of the MAC make-up department on my face and I'm not wearing some sparkly mini dress with a pair of 4567824 inch stilettos doesn't mean I am scruffy! No wonder I'm always putting myself down, and am rather critical of myself these days. :/


Just wondering Pandora, do you think your mother is serious about not paying for your root touch ups? If she is this upset about you not flat ironing will she want you going around with root growth?

This is exactly what I'm thinking. My hair grows quite fast, so it won't be long until my roots are half way down my head. If she thinks I'm "letting myself go" for putting my hair up in a freaking bun, how the hell is she going to react once my two-toned hair REALLY starts to look bad? Lol. :p

Amraann
June 22nd, 2010, 09:57 AM
Very sad that your mother is so insecure and that she is projecting that onto you.
Of course your going to feel down on yourself when everyday someone is screaming at you.

Could your grandmother talk to her?

Your mom seems to have forgotten the parenting rule that is "pick your battles"
I could see if you were running with a bad crowd or getting bad grades or leaving the house unbathed and in yesterdays clothes but it sounds like she is just being critical.
Very likely she is jealous of your youth and beauty. From your pic you are very pretty.

My mother liked to say nasty critical things to me as well when I was growing up. My grandmother actually told my husband on the day we married that my mother was jealous of me and forewarned him of her mean nature.

It is sad that your subjected to this but it is not that long and you will be out on your own. Your mother will then wonder why she does not have a great relationship with you.

Alia
June 22nd, 2010, 11:46 AM
Your mom has some strange priorities. She's upset because her daughter won't play WAG dress-up? :rolleyes: There's just no call for her to be this abusive and demeaning, especially about a superficial issue like this.

Do your best to hold your ground without antagonizing her. You won't be under her roof/control forever. As previous posters said, then she'll wonder why you don't have a great relationship later.

TokyoPink
June 22nd, 2010, 12:29 PM
I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. My mum doesn't even care what I look like so long as I'm ready for college in time.
My advice is NOT to hide anything, and NOT to pander to what your mum says. Wear your hair up in your neat buns and waves, let her sell your straighteners and let your roots grow out and THEN see how she feels. She'll probably be dragging you to the hairdressers and buying you expensive GHDs in no time. Ignore her for now, and eventually she'll come around and understand that you're going to be who you want to be, and be proud of the way you look in the clothes you want to wear and the hair you like. Basically, stuff her!
And if worse comes to worst, borrow her straighteners on the sly, if she has them xD

katha
June 22nd, 2010, 12:43 PM
Wow, that's a critical woman.

You know I thought that this whole hair-straightening-we-all-need-to-look-the-same thing would only affect people from 13-29 but seems I was wrong. Your mum sounds like a person who's doing nothing but thinking about how people will see her. Not my cup of tea, personally..

I'm with spidermum on this. If you want her to pay you need to play her game.
If you have ways to pay on your own or if you decide to change colors or, well, get around going to the hairdresser, perfect. In that case, just let her ramble. She probably needs time to get used to changes, apart from not liking the fact that she can't control you much longer. I think it's a hard time for most mothers, but that's no excuse..

Sissy
June 22nd, 2010, 01:00 PM
Good luck with your situation with your mother.

I'd probably tell her "it's my hair, and that I think it looks good wavy" (also, like another poster mentioned, talk about them as summer beach waves -- I bet that'll get her on your side :)). She doesn't have to like it, but it doesn't mean that you're embarrassing her in front of her friends. Also, you could mention that "messy" curly hair and side braids are in this season, so you could give a "I'm being trendy and hip" spin on it.

I hope that helps :flower:
Just be strong, and in the long run your hair will really thank you for it.

yeah, this is good advice. I also think that you might consider getting off the root touch ups. You might try doing a once back over to your true color and going from there. Then you won't be dependent on needing her to pay for root touch-ups and your hair will be much healthier for it as well.

Sissy
June 22nd, 2010, 01:09 PM
my mom is really opinionated too. I can't stand it. She somehow got this idea in her head that if I did my own laundry I would only wash a few things at a time. I didn't start doing my own laundry until I went to college.

Ha, sounds like my mother... completely controlling in not letting me ever cook my own food, do laundry, etc. I had to learn a lot at age 19 out on my own :)

Also, to the OP... if you can stick out letting your hair air dry you will probably notice that in time it may dry very close to straight. When I first started air drying my hair it looked terrifying as it was all frizzy and uneven waves. I later learned that was because it was so damaged... now that it's healthier it dries much nicer, even on summer humid days it's almost practically straight :) I use leave-ins like Giovanni Direct leave-in and Japanese Camellia Oil, they work a treat! Jason Aloe Vera Conditioner is great for helping to give hair a smooth look too.

Laurenji
June 22nd, 2010, 01:36 PM
I can't really offer you any advice, since my mum has no fashion sense and only recently discovered mascara, so she never really got on my about my looks.

All I can say is: I'm sorry your mom is being crazy. I know you said you don't want to dye your hair back to your original color, but I will say that either dying it back to natural or dying it a color you can touch up yourself will INSTANTLY take away one of the tools she's using to threaten you.

I still suffer from self-esteem issues that started when I was a teenager. I know it hurts when it feels like no one thinks you're beautiful. Try this: every day, look in the mirror for 5 minutes and think, "Look how beautiful I am!". You are to only look at what you think looks good about yourself. Don't let that little critical voice creep in to tell you "Yes but look at your roots and your splits and your pimples and your extra fat and all those other horrible things." Because you know what? I've come to realize more and more that other people really don't notice, especially if you're smiling and happy. Your mum will. But if you can, spend less time with your mum and those friends she's trying to impress, and more time with your friends, who probably couldn't care less if you straightened your hair, and maybe even like it wavy.

goodenough
June 22nd, 2010, 01:43 PM
Your mom obviously has issues. My parents were so strict I had to wear long dresses, and even I was allowed my choice in hair texture. I would shave my head if my mom were like that. Not saying it's right...just sayin...

Life gets better. It's a lie when people say that HS is the best time. I like being an adult so much better.

florenonite
June 22nd, 2010, 01:53 PM
I'm sorry your mum's not being supportive; you're at a difficult enough age in terms of body image without your mum putting you down for it. spidermom's right that if your mum's paying for your highlights then it's up to her to make the rules, but it's still a bit petty of her to book an appointment for herself and your sister but not you because you don't wear your hair exactly as she wants you to. I could perhaps understand if you were wanting a bright red mohawk, but your mum's leaving you hardly any room for expressing yourself through your appearance.

You could try boxed highlights, perhaps with a friend's help. You'd have to be careful to not cause excess damage to your hair, but if you're otherwise taking good care of it and you take care it shouldn't be too much more damaging than salon highlights (disclaimer: I've never done any kind of highlights to my hair before, so this is all speaking from what others have told me. Definitely do some reading about boxed highlights before doing it yourself).

QueenTifa
June 22nd, 2010, 01:56 PM
What if you straighten your hair with a paddle brush and a fan? You'll get straight hair, without so much damage. :)?

luckyduck
June 22nd, 2010, 02:15 PM
There was a thread a couple of weeks ago that was talking about the new hairstyles, it might be worth going thru and making a scrap book of the latest hair styles.
We all have issue we have to work thru, looks like she has chosen not to work thru hers. Keep your chin up, but don't be disrespectful. She is doing the best she can. Just protect your self esteem by counter acting her criticism with personal positive pep talks!
Those high school years are NOT the best years of your life! I don't care what anyone says, they are the most difficult I have ever been thru. You are searching for identity, and meaning, and there are many who would impose their wishes on you. Don't lose heart you are almost there, you will be on your own before you know it! You have a whole life ahead of you, and you will get to chose who you will let into your life. May I be so bold as to caution you on your choice of boyfriend. Choose one who builds you up, and cherishes you. If he is critical, dump him as fast as you can! It is so easy for young girls to put up with that, just to have the comfort of a boyfriend. Specially when they have been subjected to that at home.
I hope you don't mind me adding that last part, good relationships go a long way in counter acting the poison some of us have had to endure growing up.

Laylah
June 22nd, 2010, 03:09 PM
Sorry that your situation isn't getting any better...It is strange, IMO, that your mother is telling you to wear makeup and dress that way. Most parents would be trying to do the opposite! As far as I know, DIY hair dye isn't too difficult. I've done it for a friend before, all you have to do is read the instructions. I'd give it a try if I were you.

jaine
June 22nd, 2010, 05:38 PM
I could picture myself in this situation, flatironing my hair one last time ... and then leaving the straight hair on mom's pillow. Shaved. Liberation! It would feel like turning to face the storm! :D

Mum definitely needs to learn a lesson.

joiekimochi
June 22nd, 2010, 07:08 PM
My mom is also one of those who insist I wear makeup and look pretty all the time, especially when we are going to be in polite company. But that was when I was 16. Now she doesn't really care (as much) although she'd occasionally nag at me ("Where's that pretty dress you bought last month? I don't see you wearing it.").

About her being anti-wavy hair: for a while, put up a big, high-color poster of a Victoria's Secret model (since you're blonde I suggest Marisa Miller). They mostly have big wavy hair and look super glamorous and not scruffy at all! Tell your mom that straight hair is 'out' and wavy hair is 'in'. Buy or make a hair rat and style your hair with a crown pouf and two braids. Watch Mamma Mia together and point out how gorgeous and neat Amanda Seyfried's wavy blonde hair is. Wavy hair is so pretty. In fact I had been abusing my straight hair to achieve wavy hair!

jaine
June 22nd, 2010, 07:08 PM
...and the best part would be the huge range of choices about how to answer the inevitable question: why did you shave it???

one could get all Ghandi on her and say something like "Because I love you and I felt like my hair was coming between us!"

Or the baring of my soul..."because I sense how important it is to accept myself as I am, and this allows me to confront my deepest fears head-on."

Or I could just go around the house singing India Aria to myself happily..."Hey! I am not my hair...I am not this skin. I am not your expectation. I am not my hair...I am the soul that lives within."

Oh the choices of what to do next!! :)

But I digress...this isn't my thread ... :) I am a little envious though - of the opportunity to make a bold yet nonviolent statement about ideals and to have the opportunity to even be a role model for her in her own struggle to feel beautiful. Whatever you choose to do next I'm sure it will be beautiful!!

lastnite
June 22nd, 2010, 11:20 PM
Although the heat, the sun, and the shade are metaphorical, it is undoubted that your mother cares very much about you and loves you very much; devoted herself to your care since you were a baby. It only makes sense to return with kindness and patience. I hope everything works out with her. :)


This is good advice... I was trying to think of the best words to say, and this is well said. It sounds like mother has deeper issues going on, maybe underlying depression or something else. Whatever is the case, just remember she does love you. She just doesn't know better, that the things she is saying to you are hurting you so bad.

My mom was the same way when I was a teenager, not pushing the flat iron, but she always asked if I brushed my hair and to do this and that with it. I was limited with experimenting and finding my own style for a long while, even after my teens because my mom wanted me to look a certain way. I'm kinda making up for it now, (I did henna and going red, which I would never have been able to do in my teens!).

Pandora.
June 23rd, 2010, 07:00 AM
Thank you for the support everyone. :flower:


What if you straighten your hair with a paddle brush and a fan? You'll get straight hair, without so much damage. :)?

I found a video for that on youtube the other day, I tried it this morning, and surprisingly, it worked!! It will take a little more practice, but 99% of my hair is pretty much straight right now. I was rather happy that I'd found a way of straightening my hair with much less damage (although it does require brushing wet hair, but it's still a big improvement). I'm not going to do this just to please my mom, because that's not part of my nature, I'm going to do it because I much prefer how my hair looks that way.

In fact, she came home about an hour ago, as soon as she saw my hair her face lightened up and she was all like "YOU'VE STRAIGHTENED YOUR HAIR! It looks sooo much better!" To which I replied: "No mom, I straightened it with a fan." Then she shot me the weirdest look. Haha.


...and the best part would be the huge range of choices about how to answer the inevitable question: why did you shave it???

one could get all Ghandi on her and say something like "Because I love you and I felt like my hair was coming between us!"

Or the baring of my soul..."because I sense how important it is to accept myself as I am, and this allows me to confront my deepest fears head-on."

Or I could just go around the house singing India Aria to myself happily..."Hey! I am not my hair...I am not this skin. I am not your expectation. I am not my hair...I am the soul that lives within."

That made me laugh :D while reading your posts, I was genuinely getting huge temptations to shave my head. The look on her face would be PRICELESS. <3

...However, I would regret doing it after 3 minutes, maximum. :p

goodenough
June 23rd, 2010, 07:06 AM
Yes, don't do it--and I speak from experience when I say the stricter the parents, the more fun it is to find your own self when you are free:) Hopefully in non-destructive ways.

Just to look on the bright side, (and it's weird to think of it this way) Your mom's reaction to you straightening your hair makes it sound like she want reassurance that you identify with her. Part of her issues might stem from menopause or pre-M symptoms. I got my period the year my mom went through the worst of menopause. FUN TIMES! lol Hang in there and try to love:)

gi2121
June 23rd, 2010, 07:26 AM
Pandora, sorry if I sound harsh but your mother HAS indeed a psychological issue here.
I'm a mother myself and I mean... wth???
The fact she's paying for the highlights doesn't give her the right to harass you the way she is. I heard a lot of "As long as you're living under my roof, you'll do as I say" as a teen and I think that's a lame, lame thing to say to your child.
Hang in there because I know from my own experience how our parents' disorders can affect us. I have no solution, I just wanted to show you my support :).

jaine
June 23rd, 2010, 10:57 AM
I have another strategy for smoothing hair without damage ... I do it all the time and I love it! It doesn't get the hair 100&#37; straight but does leave it very smooth with some body wave. I use it to smooth out my random curly hairs ... most of my hair is 2a/2b but I have some random 3a/3b hairs in there too.

You would need a comb and a hard-hold gel that dries hard, but feels soft when it's combed out. I like Max Green Alchemy (http://www.maxgreenalchemy.com/item--Scalp-Rescue-Sculpting-Gel--MGASCU.html) sculpting gel ... it's pretty much perfect for this purpose.

When I get out of the shower I wrap a towel around my head for about 10 minutes to get most of the moisture out (so it will dry faster).

Then I put a generous amount of gel in my hair and comb it through all of my hair (for my hair it's a bumblebee-sized amount...for long hair probably more). I part my hair with the comb and "style" it to lay in the direction that I want it to go.

I make sure everything is combed and smooth, then I sit in front of a fan, not touching it at all until it's completely dry and hard. Then I comb out the crunch, and voila - smooth hair with no heat! :D