"Desperate"? (rant)

[Foxknot]

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to rant, but I really need to right now...

I don't really know how I feel right now; I'm kind of angry, kind of sad, but I guess most of all I'm exasperated. x_x I was just having a conversation with a close friend that ended about ten to fifteen minutes ago...She tends to annoy me rather fast sometimes, but this just kind of shot me over the top.

I'm used to her calling me crazy for things I do that she thinks of as odd. It's stupid, but I expect it now. Eating a spoonful of honey? Ew, how can you stand eating only honey; you're crazy. Taking vitamins? Oh my god, what is wrong with you; you're crazy, can't you just eat food and get the vitamins you need? That's what I hear from her all the time, and sometimes she'll escalate it into a fight to try to prove to me that I'm an utter lunatic for whatever reason. Because of how she acts about my "crazy tendencies", I avoid talking about them around her and doing them when she is near...But, somehow, there's always something new that she finds that makes me crazy. It makes me feel so horribly restricted around her... She's a wonderful person, but when she does this...I can't stand to be anywhere near her, and I can barely talk to her on the phone. It upsets me too much...

I don't confront her about it; mainly because I'm a total non-confrontational person, and also because when I've tried to talk about it, she acts as if I'm trying to personally attack her and tears me up verbally. Today, she really went too far.

Yesterday, I tried a molasses treatment on my hair hoping that it would help improve the texture and also help with tangles and such. The end result was really nice; my hair didn't tangle, was extremely soft, and was amazingly manageable. It stayed like this overnight, too; I'm used to waking up to having tangled hair bed-head hair(even when it's braided). This made me quite ecstatic, and I still am. When she called, after about twenty minutes, she asked me why I was "being so happy". She wasn't in the best mood, and I know that she doesn't like hearing about anything I have to say about hair/herbs/nutrition/plants, so I kept it simple and just said, "I tried something out yesterday on my hair, and liked the results. That's all."

She asked me what, so I replied, "It was a molasses treatment." Her immediate response? "Eww! That's so disgusting! What possessed you to put molasses in your hair?!" Whenever she reacts like this, I can't help but get a bit defensive, so I said, "Molasses is actually a common ingredient in hair treatments; it's not disgusting." The conversation went on and I tried to change the subject, but before that happened, she had to tell what an absolute nut job I was. x_x

She told me, "I can't believe someone would be so desperate to fix their hair that they would put something like molasses in it. I don't care if you say it's "good" for hair, it's gross. You always do such weird things to "help" your body and your hair...I think that it's all just disgusting. You're so crazy...sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm your friend." Our conversation ended about six minutes later.

I...ugh. x_x This really put a damper on my day...I'm really upset that she would say that to me. It's irritating that she thinks that what I do for myself is crazy, but...what really upsets me is how she says it, and the fact that she can't let it be. I hate being "crazy" because I try to be healthy and try to treat my hair and body right...

I'm really sorry for this rant, but I really needed to let this out. >:

[Themyst]

It doesn't sound like you are compatible with each other. Maybe you are not really friends. :shrug:

[GlassEyes]

Uh.

Well, admittedly, putting molasses in your hair might seem odd to some people, but...uh, not the vitamins. Or the honey, typically. And the molasses shouldn't cause that much of a freak out.

Simply put, your friend sounds a bit...odd, to say the least...

Also, this might sound condescending, and I can't believe I'm saying it either, but I noticed that when I was around 16-17 and in high school, some of the people around me were quick to jump on anything they thought was outside the normal spectrum. :shrug: I think it's just a part of being a teenager, at times. Heck, it might even be true now...I just stopped caring to listen. XD;

[PrincessTieflin]

Simply put, your friend sounds a bit...odd, to say the least...

Also, this might sound condescending, and I can't believe I'm saying it either, but I noticed that when I was around 16-17 and in high school, some of the people around me were quick to jump on anything they thought was outside the normal spectrum. :shrug: I think it's just a part of being a teenager, at times. Heck, it might even be true now...I just stopped caring to listen. XD;

Exactly what I was going to say!

I had a friend like that a year or so ago I was 'weird. strange.. why do you do that"

And when I finnaly stopped caring what she said and things were no longer about 'her' The freindship from what I saw was over

::hugs::

There are better more understanding and supportive people out here. Dont let her drag you down

YOu have awesome hair ;)

[jane53]

Foxknot, sometimes people who are negative aren't real friends.

I couldn't do it when I was 17, but I've learned over the years to step away from relationships and interactions that bring me down.

You seem to think that this girl is a real friend. If she is, then sometime you need to talk with her. Tell her that if your friendship is important to her, to please try and listen without getting defensive.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that she brought you down on a day when you were feeling up.

[Capybara]

((hugs)) :flowers:

I think it's a maturity issue. Teens - and kids and adults, for that matter - can say things without thinking because they're jealous/having a bad day/not thinking.

Personally, I'd re-evaluate the friendship. It's difficult to be friends with someone who isn't a friend back :shrug:

[spidermom]

If it were me, I know for a fact that I would suddenly become too busy to ever see or talk to this person. But if her other qualities are worth keeping her as a friend, you could have some come-backs ready. One thing that tends to wind people down is the parrot method. Whenever she goes into the "you're crazy" thing, say the same thing each and every time, such as "crazy is how I roll." or whatever it is that you have chosen to say.

Or you could try the question method. "Why do you think putting molasses in hair is crazy? Who told you that? When? Have you ever tried it? Have you ever eaten molasses? If you could put it in your mouth, how could it be gross to put it in your hair?" Everything she says, fire a question at her.

Of course you could have a "heart-to-heart" chat with her and let her know it makes you feel, but I've never found this method to be very effective. People will at best improve for a little while, then slip right back into old habits.

Anyway, she sounds like a pain and I'm sorry that she hurt your feelings.

[Sunny_side_up]

erm... so much negativity from this person!:shake: Seems like its all she's ever known. Try not to let such ghastly comments get you down. You have beautiful hair, awesome shine there! you come across as a calm and polite soul, chin up and let things like that go over your head

[oceanwoman111]

It seems like she is continually, sorry to use a cliche but, "Raining on your parade." I would keep my distance. It's hard enough to try to stay positive with the state of the world these days ,but then to deal with Miss Kill Joy too. :disgust: Is your friendship really worth all of the negativity she spews?

[Sissy]

hmmm, I think it's time to stand up for yourself and tell her how you feel. Tell her if she wants to keep you as a friend she needs to stop talking down to you about ALL of your thoughts/ideas/ways. If she can't, the friendship is not worth it. Definitely time to re-evaluate this friendship, in my opinion.

[Rapunzal2Be]

It's one thing to not agree with - or understand - the things our friends do, but quite another to feel free to verbalize that, be insulting (calling you crazy), and demeaning (questioning why she's friends with you). For those things, I'd say that it's a stretch to call this person your "friend".

If it were me, I would either put a stop to allowing her to say those things to you (as in, next time she speaks that way to you, respond with, "I will not allow you to speak to me that way. If you don't understand it, that's fine, but you have no right to question or insult me about what my personal choices are. And if you don't know why you are friends with me, you are perfectly free to choose not to be. But if you do choose to be my friend, I suggest you try to act like it, as I will not tolerate being treated like this anymore.") OR put a stop to the friendship altogether.

Surrounding yourself with positive people has a positive effect. Negative people will just drag you down, and this girl sounds completely negative.

Sure, at your age - and even in adulthood - there are people who don't necessarily "get" some of the things we do here on this board, but it seems like you do your part in not pushing your ideas or activities on her (quite the opposite, actually) and she goes way beyond not "getting it" to being insulting. No one, at any age, should treat someone the way she treated you.

[renarok]

I hope you have other more supportive friends. Life is too short to spend with people who can't appreciate you. I would seriously pursue other friendships. I don't condone meanness and her comments are mean. I think your hair is lovely. If you choose to slather it with manure and dance backwards in a counter clockwise fashion under the full moon naked, then go for it. I wont call you crazy, just creative.

[Aliped]

Foxknot, sometimes people who are negative aren't real friends.

I couldn't do it when I was 17, but I've learned over the years to step away from relationships and interactions that bring me down.

You seem to think that this girl is a real friend. If she is, then sometime you need to talk with her. Tell her that if your friendship is important to her, to please try and listen without getting defensive.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that she brought you down on a day when you were feeling up.

Foxnot, your "friend" sounds horrible to me and I agree completely with Jane53....

[Arctic_Mama]

I agree with everyone else, differences in opinion are one thing, but a 'friend' who constantly sees the need to put you down for what she thinks is weird doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. I'd confront her and let her know that her attitude towards you and your habits is hurtful, if she doesn't respond with contrition I'd cut her loosely. Nobody needs a toxic person in their life and it is POSSIBLE she could not be aware of how her words sound, but it seems more likely she just makes herself feel superior by trashing you.

Sorry, but I think it's her issue, not yours!

[BunnyBee]

I would have said "Yes, please DO remind me why we are friends."

She may have good qualities, but overlooking something that upsets you so much doesn't make you a good person, just cowardly.

[jane53]

BunnyBee, standing up for oneself comes with experience and the confidence experience brings.

I don't think cowardice is part of the equation her.:)

[AnitaThorn]

When she called, after about twenty minutes, she asked me why I was "being so happy". She wasn't in the best mood, and I know that she doesn't like hearing about anything I have to say about hair/herbs/nutrition/plants, so I kept it simple and just said, "I tried something out yesterday on my hair, and liked the results. That's all."

She asked me what, so I replied, "It was a molasses treatment." Her immediate response? "Eww! That's so disgusting! What possessed you to put molasses in your hair?!" Whenever she reacts like this, I can't help but get a bit defensive, so I said, "Molasses is actually a common ingredient in hair treatments; it's not disgusting." The conversation went on and I tried to change the subject, but before that happened, she had to tell what an absolute nut job I was. x_x

She told me, "I can't believe someone would be so desperate to fix their hair that they would put something like molasses in it. I don't care if you say it's "good" for hair, it's gross. You always do such weird things to "help" your body and your hair...I think that it's all just disgusting. You're so crazy...sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm your friend." Our conversation ended about six minutes later.


That doesn't seem like something a real friend would say. I mean, one of the first things she asked you was why you were "being so happy." It almost sounds like she doesn't or didn't want you to be happy in the first place. Saying that she has to remind herself why she's your friend is, excuse me, a really bitchy thing to say.

I do think it does have something to do with maturity, as a lot of people have said. When I was around 16-17, people around me would always question what I was doing and why, and yes, I got a lot of "Eww!"s. The fact is, though, that some people do grow out of this over time. However, some people retain that stage their whole lives and never grow out of it.

Bottom line is, in my opinion, I don't think this person is a good "friend" for you. It sounds like she is using you to make herself feel better, which is a BULLY. I would go as far as to say you should end the friendship, I don't think you need to be around this person anymore.

Just my 2 cents. :)

[getoffmyskittle]

Okay, so she puts you down, questions your sanity, and picks fights, all over things YOU do to YOUR own body which do not concern her in the least, and she's resentful of your happiness and feels compelled to tear it down, but she's a wonderful person? What's so wonderful about her that makes this kind of treatment worth enduring?

[rusika1]

I'm sorry, but she's not a very good friend. She's cruel to you, and if you try to stand up for yourself she verbally attacks you. Calling her a good friend and saying that she's wonderful (besides the verbal abuse) sounds like the excuses people in abusive relationships make.

If you really want to make the effort to keep her in your life without her constantly upsetting you, you need to make it clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable. If you decide to do this, you should probably send her an email or text, that way she can't interrupt until you've had your say.

And the next time she tells you she doesn't know why she's your friend? You should call her bluff. Tell her you don't know either, so maybe it's time to stop.

[Sylvanas]

Wow, she sounds so rude. What are her good qualities that make you think of her as a close friend? Surely there must be some, or you wouldn't want to be friends with her at all, right? I'm all for tolerating differences and not having the same opinion about everything, but I think your friend has crossed the line. She might not be aware of how hurtful it is, so it could be a good idea to calmly tell her you can stand the odd comment about something being weird, but you won't put up with constant rudeness.

If you find it hard to tell her face to face, you can write it in a letter. Though obvious to us, giving her a reason to quit (it's annoying and hurtful), no discussion part where she gets defensive, might make it sink in. You could even list a few of her good qualities, and tell her you care about her as a friend, but tell her you will not put up with constantly being labelled as crazy. She's the person crossing the line, but you're the person who has to tell her that :)

[Carolyn]

How is she "a wonderful person"? With friends like her, who needs enemies? Seriously.

[Athena's Owl]

She's a wonderful person, but when she does this...I can't stand to be anywhere near her, and I can barely talk to her on the phone. It upsets me too much...

...I don't confront her about it; mainly because I'm a total non-confrontational person, and also because when I've tried to talk about it, she acts as if I'm trying to personally attack her and tears me up verbally. Today, she really went too far. .... She told me, "I can't believe someone would be so desperate to fix their hair that they would put something like molasses in it. I don't care if you say it's "good" for hair, it's gross. You always do such weird things to "help" your body and your hair...I think that it's all just disgusting. You're so crazy...sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm your friend."

:blueeek:

Seriously? She says stuff like you all the time? Ye gods!

I think I disbelieve that "wonderful person" theory, and I wouldn't be surprised if you have to *regularly* remind yourself why you're her friend. I wouldn't waste my time with somebody who would spew that level of emotional abuse on someone for doing a deep treatment on their hair. That's ridiculous!

[akurah]

Why are you friends with this hateful person??

[Speckla]

Friends build each other up and not down. Even if a friend has to say something that may sound negative it should be for a reason and to better you and not belittle you.

[UltraBella]

TOXIC. Some people just are. She sounds like an emotional vampire, just sucking the life and happiness right out of you. Let her know how she is making you feel. If she values you as a friend she will stop. If she does not respect you enough to change her behavior, ditch her !

[Jessica Trapp]

She sounds like a crazy-maker to me. Billions of people on the face of the planet... no need to hang out with someone who belittles you. Maybe it's time to politely step back from the relationship. For myself I've learned that it is mostly self-destructive for me to let energy vampires have too much say-so in what I do or do not do because they just suck me dry and rob me of my peace. :meditate:

Sorry you are having to deal with that.
jes

[GRU]

Can I take the easy way out and just say "ditto" to all of the above posts?

People change over time. While she may have been a "great friend" five or ten years ago, she definitely is NOT one now. All friends have a tiff or misunderstanding or something from time to time, but this doesn't sound like an isolated incident with her.

Ask yourself what good/positive stuff you get out of being her "friend" (I use quote marks because I don't think she sounds like a friend at all), and then ask yourself what bad/negative stuff you get from it. Add up the plus and minus columns and ask yourself if the friendship is worth it to you, and make your choices accordingly.

[adiapalic]

Immature, judgmental, ego-centric and self-absorbed. These are what come to mind after reading the examples of her remarks.


...sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm your friend.

I just about fell over when I read this part. I was wondering why you are her friend. I think you should continue rejoicing over your hair experiments, and please deflect any negativity that comes your way from this "friend". :flower:

[Foxknot]

I want to say thank you to all of you guys. ♥ *hugs*

I guess I really shouldn't refer to her as "close" anymore, that part of our friendship ended a while ago... I guess we're more of just "acquaintances" now. I know that she has many problems, more than she can handle, but doesn't like people to help her...more than not, she superimposes them onto people and has fits(like earlier). I also know that sometime she says things without thinking...but...that doesn't make any of this right... She is a good person, though, when she isn't being weighed down by her problems...I wish that side of her showed more, though. x_x I don't think it shows enough for her to be a good friend anymore.

You guys have really helped me to see things differently, though. I think I will avoid her more, and if she has one of these fits again...I think I'll try to tell her just how bad it makes me feel. I'm a bit scared of that, though, because I honestly don't know if it would help, as she may just see it as a personal attack and nothing else, but sometimes...it's worth a shot.

Thanks all to all of you. ♥ Reading all of your comments has helped me quite a bit, and I have more confidence now. The next time this happens...I think I may let her go.

[Forever_Sophie]

Late to this thread, but as others have said, she doesn't sound like a real friend, and I've definitely found that through the teen/college years, friends do tend to grow apart sometimes. It's sad, but people change...

For what it's worth, I think your hair is stunning :)

[FrannyG]

When I was in high school, one of my best friends used to really get off on putting me down whenever possible. Of course, she would be very sweet and kind afterwards, so I didn't get angry.

It wasn't until years later that I understood that we were never really friends at all. She just liked to point out what she perceived as my flaws in order to make herself feel better.

I wish I knew back then what I know now.

While I understand that the teen years are so often about conformity, this is a good opportunity for you to really look at what kind of a friend this is, and how often she makes herself feel better at your expense.

In any case, I do advise you to save your hair recipe talk for your LHC friends, primarily. I am the first to admit that non-LHC people really don't get it.

I hope you feel better soon and honestly, try not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know, but think about what this girl is really doing. It's not about you. It's about her. :blossom:

[berr]

Very late to the thread and I didn't read all the responses. I would be very tempted to say, 'didn't your mother ever teach you if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?' Then I would probably tell her bug off, but not in such a nice way.

[Druid of Alba]

She sounds like a total bitch, I recently ended my friendship with someone I've known for six years, and I'm so glad, looking back, we were always fighting like you two. I think you should move on, you can make plently of other, good friends, you don't need to be insulted by her.

[May]

You are in an abusive relationship and you are allowing her to treat you that way. People treat you how you let them treat you. Stand up for yourself girl! :P Seriously.

[Peter]

Sorry that your friend is being so negative. IMO, to have to remind herself of why you two are friends over something like this shows that it's not much of a friendship. Personally, when I met people like that, I just stopped talking to them. I'm not going to waste my time on people that care about such superficial things.

Hope you find a solution. :flower:

[Foxknot]

Thank you all again. ♥ It really means a lot to me that I have all of you here for support. ^^

[luckyduck]

That is what caller id is for! LOL!

[ibleedlipstick]

I'm sorry. I have had friends like this, and it is hard to tell wear the joking ends and the sniping begins. I have some friends that will playfully joke about the stuff that I do with my hair, and I have some friends that, since I told them I use coconut oil on my hair at night, every time they see me they tell me my hair looks greasy, even though I know for sure that it doesn't, and before I told them they constantly asked what I used to make my hair so glossy and healthy looking.

You have to back off from them. I'm sure that she is sometimes fun to be around, or she was at one point, and that is why you talk to her, because there are fun times, and it is good.

For me, I have one friend who I shop with. I never tell her anything personal, and our once close friendship is now very superficial, but she is an awesome person to shop with, and I found a way to keep her in my life without allowing her rude, hurtful comments damage my life.

Your hair looks lovely in your userpic, and I hope that you don't let her comment completely ruin your day.

[KiwiLiz]

And she thinks you're the crazy one? There's a whole lot of crazy there, but it isn't coming from you!

She questioned why she is friends with you over molasses? Talk about an over reaction.

Toxic friends suck, I have one at the moment too... I totally believe in cutting toxic friends off, but this easier said than done... I'm still trying to work out how to do it with out being just as mean in return.

[Calaelen]

I have two ways of seeing this. The first is that this person seems like a nasty person. I thought right off the bat that I'd have flipped out, and told her how crazy, and nasty, and negative she is. None of the things you mentioned that she's called you crazy for are even slightly weird, but her total closed-mindedness is. (I've put conditioner in my hair that contains human placental protein, and not been called crazy by my friends about it, because they are real friends.)

The second thought is that this person must, at the heart of it, be very sad, and unhappy.It's also possible she's been raised in an environment where she's been put down a lot, where people have pretty closed minds, and where "you're crazy" is a common expression. She most likely doesn't even know she's doing it, and probably doesn't mean to be as hurtful as she comes across.

I think you should talk to her, especially since this seems to be a common theme. You sharing it here, and getting support, may be helpful, but it will only truly end when you're able to tell her how you feel. She'll either realize that you're right, and make an effort to change, or flip out and call off the friendship proving once and for all that she is not a good friend.

It seems to me like keeping this all in, and letting it fester, will only lead to further resentment. If you go that route, the friendship will die eventually anyway.

[MandaMom2Three]

You're so crazy...sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm your friend."

I'd have made it reeeeal easy for her right then and there. There was a time I'd let someone talk to me like that, but I can't think of a single person I would take that kind of thing from now. :shrug:

[Locksmith]

Um... I'm going to risk being rude here, and ask why on earth you're friends with her? She sounds judgmental, rude and hurtful. Personally I'd tell her that that's how she comes across, and ask whether she means to.

[Wavelength]

You guys have really helped me to see things differently, though. I think I will avoid her more, and if she has one of these fits again...I think I'll try to tell her just how bad it makes me feel. I'm a bit scared of that, though, because I honestly don't know if it would help, as she may just see it as a personal attack and nothing else, but sometimes...it's worth a shot.


*hugs*

Confronting people can be scary, perhaps even more so if it's someone you care about, or used to care about. But in this case, ask yourself, what have you got to lose?

Best case, if you confront her, she rethinks her attitude toward you and makes an honest attempt to mend the situation.

Worst case, she calls you crazy, pitches a fit and stomps off.

Notice that the worst case scenario is pretty much exactly what you have right now. Perhaps she'll be so offended that she declares your friendship over and done and finds someone else to torment. And then this toxic, bitchy, hard-to-please person will be out of your life, which by the sound of it will be a relief.

Again, what have you got to lose?

[DragonLady]

Your "friend" is an emotional vampire. As long as she "loves" you, you don't need an enemy in the world.

[ericthegreat]

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to rant, but I really need to right now...

I don't really know how I feel right now; I'm kind of angry, kind of sad, but I guess most of all I'm exasperated. x_x I was just having a conversation with a close friend that ended about ten to fifteen minutes ago...She tends to annoy me rather fast sometimes, but this just kind of shot me over the top.

I'm used to her calling me crazy for things I do that she thinks of as odd. It's stupid, but I expect it now. Eating a spoonful of honey? Ew, how can you stand eating only honey; you're crazy. Taking vitamins? Oh my god, what is wrong with you; you're crazy, can't you just eat food and get the vitamins you need? That's what I hear from her all the time, and sometimes she'll escalate it into a fight to try to prove to me that I'm an utter lunatic for whatever reason. Because of how she acts about my "crazy tendencies", I avoid talking about them around her and doing them when she is near...But, somehow, there's always something new that she finds that makes me crazy. It makes me feel so horribly restricted around her... She's a wonderful person, but when she does this...I can't stand to be anywhere near her, and I can barely talk to her on the phone. It upsets me too much...

I don't confront her about it; mainly because I'm a total non-confrontational person, and also because when I've tried to talk about it, she acts as if I'm trying to personally attack her and tears me up verbally. Today, she really went too far.

Yesterday, I tried a molasses treatment on my hair hoping that it would help improve the texture and also help with tangles and such. The end result was really nice; my hair didn't tangle, was extremely soft, and was amazingly manageable. It stayed like this overnight, too; I'm used to waking up to having tangled hair bed-head hair(even when it's braided). This made me quite ecstatic, and I still am. When she called, after about twenty minutes, she asked me why I was "being so happy". She wasn't in the best mood, and I know that she doesn't like hearing about anything I have to say about hair/herbs/nutrition/plants, so I kept it simple and just said, "I tried something out yesterday on my hair, and liked the results. That's all."

She asked me what, so I replied, "It was a molasses treatment." Her immediate response? "Eww! That's so disgusting! What possessed you to put molasses in your hair?!" Whenever she reacts like this, I can't help but get a bit defensive, so I said, "Molasses is actually a common ingredient in hair treatments; it's not disgusting." The conversation went on and I tried to change the subject, but before that happened, she had to tell what an absolute nut job I was. x_x

>:

I simply highlighted the paragraphs that I want you to re-read for yourself. Now, if someone else had posted this exact same thread about how their "friend" was treating them, what would be your honest opinion about this "friend" Foxknot?

This girl clearly has no respect at all for your feelings if everything that comes out of her mouth is hurtful towards you. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure you two have had a history and clearly you still remember the good times that you enjoyed hanging out with her and I can see that at least you genuinely saw her as a friend. But if this is the kind of behavior that she will show towards you on a regular basis, always jabbing insults at you, and all around ruining your mood then you need to ask yourself is this the kind of friend that is good for my well being? Does this friend make me happier?
Everyone here who has responded to you says "Hell no!"

[Loreley]

Oh, she is very negative! It must be depressing when she acts like this... :no:

[dropinthebucket]

Life is too short to let "friends" abuse us.

[Aerith]

Sounds like you have a toxic friend there, someone who always points out faults in everything you do.... or at least one who is jealous. Seems like every time you try something that can improve your health/appearance she makes a comment? I know you said you are a non-confrontational but, if you don't say something now, you might find one day you get angry enough to explode with rage! Her criticizing you might give you a complex. You should try telling her nicely that it hurts your feelings though she'll probably say you're being too sensitive. Maybe this will help:

http://www.ivillage.com/6-types-toxic-friends-and-how-you-can-deal-them/6-a-126431?p=9

Also read page 10. Good luck with everything. <3

[jeanniet]

I'd have made it reeeeal easy for her right then and there. There was a time I'd let someone talk to me like that, but I can't think of a single person I would take that kind of thing from now. :shrug:
I think I'd have to say, "You're so hurtful...sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm your friend."

[jeanniet]

Wow. I understand that this is a close friend, and you may have good reasons for wanting to keep her as a friend, but what she's doing to you is emotional abuse. Can you simply put your foot down and tell her she's being hurtful when she says things like that and you don't want to hear it anymore? Then if she tries to do it again, you can just say something like "I told you I didn't want to hear hurtful comments from you. I'll have to talk to you later." If she can't understand how you feel, then she wasn't a friend worth having. Life is too short to put up with this kind of thing.

[emmabovary]

Ugh. I totally understand where you're coming from, foxknot, in wanting to help her, but you're supposed to be her friend, not her therapist, meaning you deserve better treatment than she's giving you. I've had similar friends, but thankfully not anymore. Even if you sometimes have a great time with them it's not worth it if they keep putting you down and expecting you to be their figurative punching bag. You are more important than that, you don't have to put up with this crap. If you don't want to confront her, show her in other ways (like being unavailable or a bit cold) you're not gonna lie down and take it anymore.

[x0h_bother]

You have beautiful hair and I'm sure she's jealous. <3

[Coffeebug]

From what you say, the impression I get is that she clearly has no respect for you. She makes herself feel confident and happy by making you feel like crap. If you continue to tolerate this, you could putting your own self esteem and confidence at risk and you have to ask yourself if it's worth it.

She has no business talking to you like that.

[spidermom]

I know it will be tough to talk to her when this negativeity comes up again, so be prepared. Figure out what you need to say. Practice (even if silently in your head). That will make it easier to come out with it when the time is right.

[kabelaced]

If you're going to step away from the "norm," be ready to be accosted by others who do not understand why you are doing what you're doing. People don't like change.

That being said, you don't need to base your happiness on the whims of other people. If you went so far as to do things other people don't normally do (eat spoonfuls of honey, put weird things in your hair, etc.) and they worked for you, then you're not crazy - you're innovative! :p Hang in there, girl.

That being said, I'm curious - why do you eat a spoonful of honey? What benefits do you get from it? (I'm genuinely curious - and I've heard of molasses treatments before, now wish I had some to experiment with! ;))

[SHELIAANN1969]

Geez, she sounds harsh and overly critical. It sounds like you are her punching bag, door mat and sounding board, not her friend.

With friends like that, you definitely don't need any enemies, yuck. :(

I think I would try to find a true friend. Your friends don't have to support or believe in everything you do, but they aren't supposed to be critical. I could see if you were drinking alcohol every day, taking illegal or harmful drugs or behaving in dangerous ways, but taking vitamins, eating honey and putting molasses in your hair isn't going to hurt you or anyone else.


It seems like if she doesn't agree, you are just a nincompoop and are utterly stupid, our true friends do NOT make us feel this way, ever. It's her way or the highway and she needs to get off her high horse, before long, she won't have anyone else to abuse. Yes, it is abuse, she is abusive and mean. I hope you get away from her and find someone who doesn't treat you like crap. :flower:

[SHELIAANN1969]

If you're going to step away from the "norm," be ready to be accosted by others who do not understand why you are doing what you're doing. People don't like change.

That being said, you don't need to base your happiness on the whims of other people. If you went so far as to do things other people don't normally do (eat spoonfuls of honey, put weird things in your hair, etc.) and they worked for you, then you're not crazy - you're innovative! :p Hang in there, girl.

That being said, I'm curious - why do you eat a spoonful of honey? What benefits do you get from it? (I'm genuinely curious - and I've heard of molasses treatments before, now wish I had some to experiment with! ;))


If you eat a spoonful of local honey (to your area) it will help allergies that you may have. The bees go from plant to plant, tree to tree and a bit of each of those plants and trees go into the honey that they produce, if you subject yourself to a small dose of those allergens each day, you can become immune to them. :)

[Ansaphone]

She reminds me of an old 'friend' I had. She could only be mean to people, was a biiig gossip and whenever one of us had something great going on, she would always make a sarcastic comment or point out the negative things. needless to say that i stopped hanging out with her anymore.

[myrrhmaiden]

She doesn't sound like "a wonderful person" to me. She does however sound judgmental, close-minded, and insensitive.

[alwayssmiling]

Well I do all the things you do and haven't had anyone go 'eww' to me - except my 11 daughter who says "ewww!" to everything at the moment! :D I think your friend may be rather immature, and perhaps insecure. Insecure people don't like other people doing things 'different' to them and the 'eww' to something as ordinary as taking vitamins and taking a spoonful of honey sounds like my 11 year old daughter.

You will have lots and lots of friends through your life, some will come and go and some you will click with and be friends for life. As I got older, I found it easier to lose friends that made me feel bad about myself and held on for dear life those that make me happy. :)

There is nothing crazy about what you have done ;)

[jane53]

If you eat a spoonful of local honey (to your area) it will help allergies that you may have. The bees go from plant to plant, tree to tree and a bit of each of those plants and trees go into the honey that they produce, if you subject yourself to a small dose of those allergens each day, you can become immune to them. :)

Ditto. It's a proven preventative measure against allergies.

[ButterCream]

I was going to reply yesterday but something came up and I had to log off. Coming back now I see everyone has said everything I wanted to say, so it is not necesarry to repeat.

But I saw that you gained more confidence by reading all the replies in your thread, and I am so glad you aren`t going to let yourself be treated like a doormat anymore, as you have been in the past:)

But when the day comes try and be prepared, as spidermom said.

If she starts this again (and she will!) try and be prepared for letting her know how you think of her treatment of you, so you don`t have to feel so insecure of what you are going to say to her. That way you will be able to stand up for yourself and be proud that you are no longer anyones personal doormat that they can wipe their dirty feet off and walk away, leaving you with all their spillage

And remember: We have almost all of us been through something like this, and we turned out to be happier people because of it, since we aren`t drained emotionally by people who break us down instead of building us up...:cheese:

Good luck, we`ll be cheering for you!:cheer:

[ButterCream]

If you eat a spoonful of local honey (to your area) it will help allergies that you may have. The bees go from plant to plant, tree to tree and a bit of each of those plants and trees go into the honey that they produce, if you subject yourself to a small dose of those allergens each day, you can become immune to them. :)

I didn`t know that, how ûber cool! I will mention this to my friend who is allergic!!:cheese:

Thanks for sharing:)

ps. Sorry for hijacking...:o

[Aurantia]

Dear Foxknot,

Oh, honey. I have been in your place many times before. Especially in high school.

I think that jane53 said something truly important that you should consider: "Standing up for oneself comes with experience and the confidence experience brings."

I know that you care for your friend and genuinely want to do both the "nice" thing and the "easy" thing (which is not calling this friend on her behavior) and that you are dreading her reaction whatever action you take.

But I want to share something with you: the choice you make here isn't about her reaction, it's about you and the woman you want to become.

Standing up for yourself and telling your friend how her statements make you feel is going to be the hardest thing you can imagine. Confronting people and accepting that they will react badly, especially when it's someone that you have an emotional tie with, is HARD.

But it is going to be worth it. I promise. Not because the conversation is going to go well, or because you're going to feel great immediately afterward, but when you look back on this experience you're going to be so proud of yourself for confronting your friend. You're going to be proud that you were able to evaluate and seek advice and realize that maybe this friendship isn't worth your energy. And you were strong enough and smart enough to make your stand and walk away.

It will be a defining point in making you a very strong and very wise woman. And I can already tell you're well on your way. :)

You're 17. Standing up for yourself at that age takes some massive courage.

If you really feel like it's too much to do over the phone, write her a letter -- that way you can take the time say exactly what you mean and she can't talk over you.

I wish you the absolute best and I hope that this situation develops as smoothly as possible for you. You have tons of support here among several truly sage women, like jane. But most of all, I hope you listen to your heart and what feels good in your belly-- because that's more important than any other thing in knowing how you should conduct yourself.

Hugs,
A

[JenniferNoel]

Everyone has said everything I wanted to say, I got to the thread kinda late, but the best I can say right now is that this "friend" has put up a massive display of immaturity and disrespect, back in "my day" I had a cousin who acted exactly like what you've described and the best I could do was shrug and disagree. Like the above poster said, it takes a massive amount of courage to stand up for yourself (and not just at that age!) and you know already that you've done nothing wrong.
It's her problem, not yours, if she can't stand some of your perfectly normal and healthy hair/body/whatever routines, and the best you really can do is not make her problem in to yours.
I'm sorry to hear about the whole thing and I hope you get it all cleared up and sorted out. :)

[MandaMom2Three]

I can't think of a single person I would take that kind of thing from now. :shrug:

I guess I didn't think too hard at the time :rolleyes:. My mother and sister actually act a lot like that towards me! Anything I do that is different..."EEWWWWWW, you're STUUUUPID!!" If I say anything about it I'm "too sensitive and need to calm down" if I actually give documented evidence to back up my views it's like "OMG, you felt the need to actually PROOVE that, you're stuuuuuuupid" Makes me :steam: sometimes, but with my family it's either a dysfunctional relationship or none at all :rolleyes:. For most of them it's ended up the latter, but when it comes to the nearest of kin, I try to just ignore it. I wouldn't (and don't) take it from anyone else though.

[sugarpixie10988]

I had a friend JUST like this throughout my childhood and part of high school. She was in my group of friends so I had a hard time getting away from her. Luckily, she moved. I wasn't the only one thrilled, a lot of people disliked her.

An example of her hurtful behavior was the time she decided she would yell at me in front of our entire gym class. We were having a biking unit and I was trying to adjust my bike seat, but it was stuck. It wasn't that I didn't know how to adjust it, because I did, it just wouldn't budge! Well, she seemed to have the idea that because her dad worked with bikes she was a pro at them. She began shrieking at me that I was stupid, an idiot, and how she couldn't believe I was so incompetent :confused:. I yelled a few words back at her which I shouldn't mention, but everyone in the class saw what happened and looked at her as if she mutated into some giant, disgusting bug.

I can understand how it can be hard to get away from certain people, I just hope you're able to! Looking back on my situation I wish I stood up for myself a lot more since I usually let her walk all over me. I hope you don't make the same mistake, you may look back on it later in life and regret not sticking up for yourself ;). As others have said, she sounds like a judgmental brat.

[boomtownrat]

If it were me, I know for a fact that I would suddenly become too busy to ever see or talk to this person. But if her other qualities are worth keeping her as a friend, you could have some come-backs ready. One thing that tends to wind people down is the parrot method. Whenever she goes into the "you're crazy" thing, say the same thing each and every time, such as "crazy is how I roll." or whatever it is that you have chosen to say.

Or you could try the question method. "Why do you think putting molasses in hair is crazy? Who told you that? When? Have you ever tried it? Have you ever eaten molasses? If you could put it in your mouth, how could it be gross to put it in your hair?" Everything she says, fire a question at her.

Of course you could have a "heart-to-heart" chat with her and let her know it makes you feel, but I've never found this method to be very effective. People will at best improve for a little while, then slip right back into old habits.

Anyway, she sounds like a pain and I'm sorry that she hurt your feelings.

^ All of this, seconded!

I'm really sorry she isn't being much of a friend. Your hair looks great, so I say keep doing what you're doing and let her think it's crazy - all the best people are. :)

[starla_zero]

Ick, reminds me of some old "friends" of mine. As Themyst said, it doesn't sound like you're compatible.

[truepeacenik]

Wow. High school never changes. Unfortunately, some people stay "in high school" lifelong.
If there is a good reason to keep some sort of peace, try agreeing.
"yup. I'm a crazy nature girl hippie" or something similar.
Then tell her you know someone who dips raw garlic into raw local honey to fight mild infections. And after a year you get to like it.
Yup. I'm a crazy nature girl hippie.

[DarkChocolate]

I have come up against this before. It is certainly not pleasant to have someone who you think is your friend telling you that you are strange. Though, in a different way I kind of take it as a compliment because it shows that I am different and have my own identity. It seems that people can be intolerant of others who are different from them and it makes them feel better putting someone else down.

I agree with what was said above, people do kind of stay in the high school mentality forever. There are plenty of 22 year old plus people in the workforce who gang up on people who are different, don't invite the others who are different to join them on outings, think getting drunk and going kayaking is cool,giggle while on chat, make faces at one another just like high school.

The most important thing is never loose your identity to them:) Even if you did change there would always be something else that they can pick on.

Furthermore, I am also a non-confrontational person who would rather not say anything and give the aggressors fuel. Sometimes these type of people just want confrontation and a fight. If you don't give them fuel and just keep what you are doing they don't get the fight and they in turn are not getting what they want so they just toil by themselves. It is kind of like you are letting the negative energy be directed back towards them.

Is she the only friend who acts like this?
Is she part of your friend circle meaning that if you were not friends with her would she be at most parties and such?

[Juanita]

Sounds like a Personality Disorder. Have a stepmother who is like that. She got worse as she got older. Ended up with no friends and couldn't understand why. Psyciatrists decided not to treat her as she was in her early 70's at the time now in her 80's.
But has has several strokes and has seemed to lose her anger with them.

[Juanita]

She also saw things as black or white. No shades in between.
And she was always right and knew better than anyone else.

[shockinglength]

Just tell her that if you don't like the way I act or what I do keep your mouth shut....or I'll do it for you!!! Sorry, get rid of her if she's like that alot though.

[Yozhik]

How annoying!

I had a "friend" like this in high school . . . totally not worth the time and anguish.

I can understand you feeling sympathetic for the person who she used to be and her current problems, but that doesn't detract from the reality that right now she's treating you really poorly.

[Tressie]

You have beautiful hair and you sound like a caring friend. I think you realize that your "friend" has some very serious emotional issues: anger, jealousy, low self-esteem, insecurity, immaturity...to name a few, and you may know of other problems in her life.

However, you mustn't let her continually vent her pain and frustrations on you. Someone has already shared the old saying "with friends like that, who needs enemies?" You could pray for her. She sounds like a perfectly miserable person!

[pepperedmoth]

I know I'm late to the party, but I really wanted to say my piece.

About ten years ago, I was in high school, and I had very few friends because I was overly brainy. When I found anyone who was willing to spend any sort of time with me and call themselves my friend, I clung to them because I had no one else. I put up with all sorts of humiliations and embarrassments because I couldn't bear the thought of having no one at all.

I'm not sure if it's worth it.

After I grew up, and my peers grew out of their nasty phase, I found real friends. Let me tell you something about friends, especially close friends. I have acquaintances like the person you describe, and that's fine. Maybe they're delightful to play tennis with, and it's worth keeping an acquaintance for that every six months when you really want to go out and have a game. But friends are something else, something entirely different, and no one who treats you like that is being one.

Friends can disagree. But when friends disagree, they tell each other gently, because they're concerned about each others' well being. If my closest friend catches me making a bad choice, he says, "Wait a second, do you want to talk about this?" He doesn't say, "You crazy nut, what's wrong with you?" If we disagree about politics, he says, "Well, you think that, but I think THIS," not "You're so stupid for thinking that way!"

Close friends are there for each other. They wake up in the middle of the night to drive through blizzards and hold their friend's hand when they're crying. They lend each other time, money, and love, not expecting anything in return.

Maybe this person just doesn't have any tact at all. All right, that can be forgiven between friends. It would help if you could (gently, as mentioned above) tell her how much this hurts you. But before you put yourself out there, ask yourself: Will she hear me lovingly and want to avoid hurting me in the future? Will she support you when I'm hurt by other people? Will she stand up for me when I feel alone?

If not, she may be fun to go to the movies with or great at parties, but she is not a friend.

I know what it's like not to have many friends at all, and to want to cling to what you do have. You don't have to cut her out of your life or ditch her or ream her out or fight back or kick her to the curb, but you do need to find your love and emotional support elsewhere because she is not your friend and you are not going to get it from her.

Real friends are gold. When you have one, you forgive them for everything, for all the hurtful things they didn't mean to come out like that, for all the times you bicker, for the disagreements and the pain, because you know that when push comes to shove, they will be there for you to bake the casseroles and mind the baby and attend the funeral and set up chairs at the wedding (and then kick out your embarrassing drunken uncle).

Without that bedrock of love and support, the emotional energy needed to continually mend this relationship is not worth it.

[Aurantia]

pepperedmoth, your response made me want to stand up and cheer.


p.s. Is your username based on the Kettlewell experiments? :)

[ccaswick]

I'd say it's time to change your phone number and tell everyone but her -- if she ever finds you just say something like "Crazy me, I just made up my crazy mind one day to do something really crazy and nuts and I called the phone company and told 'em cancel me.":crazyq:

[Gypsygirl]

((hugs)) :flowers:

I think it's a maturity issue. Teens - and kids and adults, for that matter - can say things without thinking because they're jealous/having a bad day/not thinking.

That... She is not ready for you yet. Don't change your ways for her. But look upon her for the things you like about her! Enjoy those things that make you smile about her. She is probably not a bad person- just mentally young. It is OK...next time she does this to you, just smile.


Personally, I'd re-evaluate the friendship. It's difficult to be friends with someone who isn't a friend back :shrug:

And that as well... If you need to distance yourself from her for now, that's OK. If she doesn't respect you and is mean, you should distance yourself for a while. But if you think she just doesn't understand but still cares about you, then love her for what she can offer and don't take the things she says too personally.

[kabelaced]

If you eat a spoonful of local honey (to your area) it will help allergies that you may have. The bees go from plant to plant, tree to tree and a bit of each of those plants and trees go into the honey that they produce, if you subject yourself to a small dose of those allergens each day, you can become immune to them. :)


Ooh, thanks!! I suffer turn of the season allergies and I LOVE honey, especially with Greek yogurt, so I will definitely try this out! :p

[pepperedmoth]

pepperedmoth, your response made me want to stand up and cheer.

p.s. Is your username based on the Kettlewell experiments? :)

Haha, thanks, and yes it is. ;)

[McFearless]

No way! What a witch. I'd dump her. You arent the least bit crazy. molasses treatment? Uh hello you're genius.

I know somebody like her. Shes just angry about her crap life/hair/face whatever.

[Stormphoenix]

Here, here! It is nice to have a friend who is supportive, a confidence builder and someone willing to try out new things with you...wether it's putting molasses on your hair or signing up for introductory fencing lessons. A friend will stand beside you even if you do something they don't understand or can not sympathize with why you are doing it. This person sounds like she is either trying too hard to control you with negative reinforcement or actually enjoys making derogatory remarks (a sick mind).

Here's hoping you find a better counterpart to hang out with so you can enjoy yourself and enjoy the other person;s company, too.