The trouble with thinking too much about hair

[Kristina713]

Hi all,
I discovered this forum a couple of months ago and it has helped me in many ways. I've improved my haircare, discovered new styles and new hairtoys. I think that my hair is looking better than ever. But here's the problem -- I'm also more discontent with it than ever. I never used to think much about my hair. It was long and brown and that was that. Now I'm suddenly very aware of my split ends, my damage from perming and dyeing, my growing-out layers, my slow growth rate. I find myself looking at my length all the time and wishing my hair were longer. I compare my hair to others on this forum and feel like it looks short, boring, and in poor condition. I know it is growing but so slowly. Any advice on keeping a positive perspective and not obsessing about hair?

[Kristin]

I completely feel your pain. I am envious of all the long hair here, too. But you have to remember a couple of things:

1. In the real world, you DO have long hair. To most people, BSL is long. And all of the people in the real world, who do not know about LHC, stare at YOUR hair enviously.

2. Regardless of splits, damage, or your growth rate, you have to recognize the good things about your hair. You are already BSL! There are lots of people on this forum with shorter hair. Learn to work with your hair texture and thickness, and deal with any REAL (not perceived) damage as you see fit.

I am dealing with my length envy by purchasing lots of hair toys, learning new styles, and trying different treatments and recipes.

And, though it pains me to say it, life is not about hair. It will be super-long before you know it.;)

[spidermom]

I know what you mean. I was driving myself insane with thus stuff. This is what I did for a long time - a couple of years at least. Every morning, I'd put my hair up without even looking at it. I allowed myself one time per month when I could have it down and check the length.

Once I got to hip length, I quit stressing about it so much. If there are too many splits, I get a few inches cut off. I only S&D if I'm stuck sitting somewhere, like in the drive-through lane at the bank or as a passenger during a long car trip. I'm much happier not knowing every little detail about the damage I have, but that's partly because I don't have much anymore (LHC for 5 years).

It does help to put it up and avoid looking at it; really-truly.

[FrannyG]

Oh, I was where you are for a long time after joining LHC. The pre-LHC damage that didn't bother me very much before joining, suddenly was my focus. And as it grew out, the previously damaged hair just got worse and worse, in my eyes.

I went and cut out the damage, which made me feel good, but then of course I was going crazy because my hair was much shorter.

I even incurred more damage by changing my hair colour for a year and then changing it back a year later. So here I am after almost 4 years at just a few inches longer than it was when I joined.

However, my hair is no longer a big issue for me. I'm in a very happy place with my hair now. I have gotten to the point where I have a minimal routine that works, and I don't think about my progress too much, except for my monthly measure-in, and even that is not a big deal to me anymore.


The bottom line is that your hair is long by any real life standards. You simply cannot compare your hair to anyone else here, as your hair is uniquely yours.

If it's really getting to you, just put your hair up in the morning and do your best to forget about it.

And I'll tell you this. No matter how you're feeling about your hair right now, to everyone else, it looks beautiful.

With good care and with patience, you will have the quality and length of hair that you want. You just have to recognize that this is a journey, not a sprint. And do know that this initial obsession will eventually subside. Really. :blossom:

[Capybara]

It sometimes helps if you list things that you like about your hair, and forget about what you don't like :) From what I see in your avatar, you have great waves and colour! Keep it up :blossom:

[LaurelSpring]

When I figure out how to stop obsessing with my hair I'll post it here...:o

On the up side, my obsessing has resulted in learning alot more and discovering more updos and routine options. I am finally at a happy place with all of that right now. I will probably always obsess. I love my hair and want the best things for it. As it grows and changes I have to make adjustments. The put it up and forget it routine works when I am feeling frustrated, but for the most part I think its a labor of love.

[Islandgrrl]

Join the Hair Up for a ..... Challenge.

Wear your hair up and out of sight for a period of time. Maybe until you quit obsessing about it. You'll be less concerned with the look of it if it's up and out of the way, AND you'll be protecting your hair from damage in the process.

Take a day once a month or so and give yourself a dusting to help get rid of some of the damage as you grow. Before you know it, your hair will be much longer, in much better condition overall, and you'll have way less old damage to fret over.

[Melisande]

It will all fall into place after a while. Until then, enjoy the ride and enjoy learning so many new things. For me, the teachings of longhair boards (this one and the German one) have touched also other parts of my life - I have become a much more critical consumer of goods and beauty ideologies. So it was really worth getting the wake up call - and the obsessing is only a sign that you have received this call.

Hair problems can be solved - since hair grows every day, they can be solved much more easily than body issues (weight doesn't come on or off so easily) or stuck doctoral theses or rebellious teenagers - all these problems don't solve themselves gradually like hair does. Because hair is nice to you and it grows.

There will always be somebody with longer hair, with "better"hair structure or a lovelier neckline or more manual updo skills or more shine or less frizz - after a while, and this is part of the journey!, you have to make peace with your hair and stop comparing. Go with the flow. BSL is very nice indeed. For everybody's eyes, it's long. But not yet "freakishly" long. So it gives you the perfect entrance to the "freakish" lengths that expose you to remarks and attention.

The longhair journey is great fun. Once you see a pattern in your haircare, growth and you learn new longhair skills, you feel more secure. And when you see that the implementation of some new routines makes a real difference in the health of your hair, you will feel more confident about the rest of the journey.

Length is only a part of the journey, and not eve the most important one. The real switch is from treating hair as replaceable raw material for styling to treating it as part and extension of our bodies, and for me, also as symbol of my emotions and soul. Only a symbol - but a powerful one. I'm very glad I learned to recognize my hair for what it is - and I no longer force it to things it cannot do. The whole styling approach (with alcohol laden products etc) seems to me like a foreign land nowadays. I'm glad to see its shores disappear.

All this is much more important than actual hairlength. You can be a longhair in your soul even with a pixie or less. And you can have hiplength hair that is treated abominally and unloved, just like an accessory that has no real intrinsic value.

Believe me, the obsession will ebb off, the personal interest will grow and the focus will change. From self criticism to self affirmation.

This is at least what happened to me.

[jera]

Initially, I think many newbies feel frustrated with their own hair when the join here and are suddenly surrounded by so many Rapunzels.

I made several members my long hair icons and tried to learn everything that would help my hair to become more like theirs. Sometimes when you view the situation another way, it doesn't bother you so much, and, in time, my hair did improve. :)

[Karala]

Yes I have been like that too for months... and then not so long ago it's started to calm down a bit... thankfully. What happened is that I noticed that my hair was finally, progressively, in small ways... beginning to look longer and feel better, and I realized that what had happened to everybody else, managing to grow long healthy hair with patience and good care, was also possible for me. Then I could finally start to relax. No wonder we get frantic and frustrated when we can only see the flaws and it seems like we're making no progress. But after some time you realize that all your efforts and patience do pay off.

So that's my only piece of advice... keep in mind that you definitely will have progress. Keep in mind you're getting there, you're getting closer bit by bit each and every day.

[jackiesjottings]

I hear you. When I decided to grow my hair long again at the beginning of 2005, I had bad hair envy :( It was shoulder length then and I was desperate to have long hair again. I used to look at old photos of my long hair and really wish I had never cut it :( It is very hard to be patient when you just want it long. Mine is now getting so close to classic which seemed like an impossible dream.

Pamper your hair, buy pretty hair toys and as it grows, experiment with different updos and things. Little goals help too, your next target for instance. (Mine were BSL then waist then joy of joy tailbone).

Good luck :)

[CrisDee]

Ugh - "put it up and forget it" - how I WISH I could put my hair up! I feel all your pain and then some about obsessing about hair. But my frustration isn't from damage, it's from the length - or lack thereof :D. This is gonna be one TOUGH summer for me. The back of my hair (mullet portion) is just about to the nape, where the sides aren't even to chin yet. So I'm probably 6-9 months away from being able to put my hair up - which means I'm gonna have this hair sticking to me alllll summer long!

The only suggestion I can offer is to find another obsession :D I've found this (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=15943) thread to be quite diversionary - I just hope painting my nails shiny colors is enough to keep me from completly losing my MIND in the heat of summer with my hair too short to get off me!

[julliams]

I find myself thinking about hair all the time too. It is definitely an obsession with me but if it wasn't hair it would be something else - sewing, dolls (I used to collect) etc. When I get into something I really get into it. I explore it to the nth degree and really get involved.

I have really learnt alot but I still go to sleep each night working out how long it will be until I get to goal - at least it gets me off to sleep quickly - lol.

In the past my hair would get to this length (BSL) and I would suddenly look at it and think "I need a cut" and off I would go and get the same shoulder length, layered around my chin look. This is the first time in ages that I have a hair goal. I'm not sure I've ever had one. I'm anxious to reach my goal but I'm also mindful that once I get there - then what??? So I should just enjoy the "journey".

I'm hoping my obsession dies off a little because I really do think about hair too much. The fact that I'm on here twice a day is proof of that :o

[Pixna]

The way that I keep from obsessing about my hair is to put it up. I love being able to do that and just forget about it. Of course, that doesn't prevent me from obsessing about getting new hair toys. :oops: I guess it's trading one obsession for another, but I find it healthier (and more expensive!!) to dwell on hair toys than the length or condition of my hair. :gabigrin:

[Loreley]

Same here. I feel it's never long, thick and shiny enough. I used to love wearing it down but nowadays I always remember that it's not long enough, the ends are thin and the whole thing looks awful. I know it's not that bad but I'm still obsessing about it a lot. :(

[Kristina713]

Thanks everyone. It helps to know that I am not alone and that the obsessing will fade. I'm also a bit of an obsessive person -- I tend to get very focussed on things and think about them a lot.

But, as one person suggested, it does help me to see this hair thing in a larger perspective. I actually arrived on this site because I was trying to switch over to less toxic cleaning products (including personal care products like shampoo). I went through a very difficult breakup a couple of years ago and went through a long phase of not really caring about myself, not eating well, not cleaning my house well, etc. And I think that this hair thing is part of me gradually, gradually getting back to caring about myself in a healthy way.

The other thing that this hair obsession has really shown me is how many choices there are, besides the obvious ones that are pushed in your face. I mean, before finding this site, I thought that the only choices that I could make for my hair were what style to have it cut into and which shampoo and conditioner to try in the drugstore. I would stand in the haircare aisle and pick "shiny" one month, "voluminous" the next month, and "healthy hair" the next. It never made much of a difference. And I would go to the expensive stylist every four months and they would give me a dye-job, cut off a couple of inches and put in the same layers that I've had for ten years. Sometimes they would sell me a really expensive product, which also didn't help. I wasn't unhappy with my hair, but I didn't know that there were any other options.

Anyway, the point is that this site has shown me that that is not the only possible approach to hair care. There are so many options beyond the ones that most people choose. Not use shampoo, for instance! What a crazy concept! But I've found that it works. Same thing with not using chemical dye, or cutting your own hair, or making your own hair products. Strange! But good! It's proof to me that "normal" is not the only good reality. And just because most people do it doesn't mean it's the best.

And, honestly, that is a good lesson for me right now, one that extends way beyond hair. All my friends are married, with kids. And as a single person in my late 30s, I often feel like a bit of a freak, or a failure. But I have to keep reminding myself that there are lots of options. That normal is not the only good. That just because most people are doing it, that doesn't mean that everyone has to. In fact, things get pushed on us that aren't good for us at all. How many of my friends "have it all" but are still unhappy?

Anyway, I don't mean to get all intense. I guess I just started to think about how -- as I think one person said here -- hair is a symbol. And a metaphor. No hair is not everything in life. But maybe it says something about life, you know?

[cm006j]

The longest I ever grew my hair was when I wasn't thinking about it. lol. Now I'm so excited to grow it that I want to check for new growth every couple of hours.

Thank goodness my life was crazy busy for the last couple of years so I didn't obsess over growing out the chin-length cut I stupidly got. When I had a chance to stop and think about my hair, it was already bra-strap length!

Not sure what I'll do to stay patient while I wait for waist length.

[XcaliburGirl]

Great point about the most popular option not necessarily being the best, Kristina. I totally agree.

As for thinking too much about hair, I used to be the queen of benign neglect. I would cut my hair to APL or BSL, put it up everyday, and the next time I thought about my hair was when I started getting annoyed at sitting on it.
Right now, I'm overly obsessed too, I just joined LHC last month. Hopefully, I'll get interested in something else for a while. (You know, as soon as I find my perfect washing method. :rolleyes:)

[ButterCream]

Initially, I think many newbies feel frustrated with their own hair when the join here and are suddenly surrounded by so many Rapunzels.

YUP, SO true!!! And I am one of them, lol:o:D
But I am wearing my hair up most of the time so I don`t se it, haha:eyebrows:

I just need a flexi 8 to keep me occupied, and I can`t afford to get one right now. But at least i have something to look forward to when the day comes that I CAN!!:cheese::disco::happydance: