So disappointed with my mom('s hair)

[sapphire-o]

My mom has been growing her hair for about a year. She came three months ago and we all complimented her hair, including DH and my dad. It was about mid-back length, layered, very soft and shiny. She kept complaining that it's "flat", though. She's been perming her hair for 30 years before that so I'm sure it seemed flat. But honestly we thought her hair never looked that good. Even at 65 she doesn't have much gray hair and it's not thin either. Looks straight and shiny just like it's been flat-ironed.

She just came again last week. The first time I saw her I was temporarily speechless. She got a poodle perm - again. I was staring at her hair and she said "So what do you think?" I said "Umm... it reminds me of Einstein's hair." She just laughed. When my DH saw that he was shocked, too but he said it's Newton, not Einstein. She combed her length into two coils of sausage rolls and put one of each shoulder. I don't know where she learned that trick but it looked just awful. She said it's to tame the frizz. (But she wouldn't have a bit of frizz if she didn't perm it.) Mom said her co-workers convinced her to get a perm again. I was wondering if it's because she works in a mostly female environment with lots of older ladies. They need to keep everybody in line to make sure they look as bad as the others?

I kinda feel sorry for all the cute hairclips and sticks I gave her, oh and the Vatika oil and stuff. What for? I'm sure soon she'll be complaining about her hair breaking off all the time again. Some people just don't learn.

[FrannyG]

Well, I understand your frustration. However, I also understand the impulse to do something to one's hair that one knows is damaging. Heaven knows, I have done some stupid things even since joining LHC and knowing better. That's why I'm on my way to BSL for the third (or is it fourth?) time since joining LHC. :(

Perhaps when your mom's hair does start breaking off again, she'll rethink this. Some of us need to learn our lessons the hard way.

[sapphire-o]

Franny are you talking about coloring? I can understand coloring as it's kinda the social norm to have non-gray hair while you're still working. My dad colored his hair until he's 70 because he was still working and didn't want people to know how old he really was. But perm is totally silly. Her hair doesn't need coloring yet and it is not thin. Her pony is over 3" not including bangs. The perm aged her about 10 years. It must be the "keeping up with the other old ladies" peer pressure.

[Maverick494]

This sounds bad of me, but yes I do believe women tend to keep eachother in line. I remember this friend of mine going on a quest to lose weight and get in shape and I helped her. Everytime she came and showed she'd gotten more muscle and had gotten slimmer, her friends insisted she didn't need to lose weight and would look better with some extra pounds, even though that wasn't true. She looks so much better now than when she was overweight.

Women are eachother's toughest competitor. When it comes to hair, the same thing. I've got it halfway down my back. Longest in my class. Anyway, my classmates were talking about donating locks for cancer patients, but their haircuts were too short. Then they all looked at me. "Can't you miss a couple of inches?" I said no, but I got hammered for my selfishness all day.

Another example:
I remember seeing this Asian girl at my school with the most gorgeous, silky waistlong hair I've ever seen. It had almost a liquid shine. I complimented her on it. Anyway, a month later she came back with it cut in layers, shoulderlength. I asked her why in the world she'd cut it and she told me her classmates had advised her to do so. I'm sure that was just jealousy on their part. Fortunately she didn't seem to realize that or I'm sure she would've been bitter.

Ask your mom what she thinks of it herself. I once had my hair permed (I looked horrible) and got it relaxed a month later. Contrary to popular belief, relaxing the hair doesn't make it look horrible. If done once it shouldn't be too bad.

[FrannyG]

Well yes, I was talking about colouring with regard to myself. If you recall, I dyed my hair brown, which was idiotic, because my hair is now predominantly silver, and a/ it didn't look right, and b/ the roots showed in about 2 days!

So yes, then I had to dye my hair back to blonde, which did terrible damage and I've been at about the same length for two years. The damage still isn't gone.

I realize that we're talking about two different things. My point is simply that whatever the reason for her getting the perm, she will soon notice that her hair doesn't feel or look as good as it did when she was treating it well.

Hopefully that will be enough for her to stop the perm madness.

I agree that poodle perms are not the way to look youthful, particularly on a woman whose hair is still naturally youthful-looking.

I would be just as frustrated with your mom as you are. I know I would. Sometimes the lure of being a part of the crowd and "acting one's age", whatever that means is too strong for some people.

There are many perms in my past, but I've discovered that I'm a longhair, no matter what my length is now, and I won't be perming again ever.

Perhaps your mom just isn't a longhair at heart. You'll have to wait and see what her attitude is when her hair starts being damaged again. Which we both know it will.

I hope she does learn a lesson.

[cindy58]

Yikes, that would be hard to deal with. There was a number of years when I used to perm my hair, and I received many compliments with that style. However, a fresh perm was usually a PITA to handle, and would stink like a wet dog when wet. I don't miss that hair one bit!

We can make style decisions for ourselves, but it can be so difficult to influence another person, even when we have their best interests at heart.

[misstwist]

My mom has been growing her hair for about a year. She came three months ago and we all complimented her hair, including DH and my dad. It was about mid-back length, layered, very soft and shiny. She kept complaining that it's "flat", though. She's been perming her hair for 30 years before that so I'm sure it seemed flat. But honestly we thought her hair never looked that good. Even at 65 she doesn't have much gray hair and it's not thin either. Looks straight and shiny just like it's been flat-ironed.

She just came again last week. The first time I saw her I was temporarily speechless. She got a poodle perm - again. I was staring at her hair and she said "So what do you think?" I said "Umm... it reminds me of Einstein's hair." She just laughed. When my DH saw that he was shocked, too but he said it's Newton, not Einstein. She combed her length into two coils of sausage rolls and put one of each shoulder. I don't know where she learned that trick but it looked just awful. She said it's to tame the frizz. (But she wouldn't have a bit of frizz if she didn't perm it.) Mom said her co-workers convinced her to get a perm again. I was wondering if it's because she works in a mostly female environment with lots of older ladies. They need to keep everybody in line to make sure they look as bad as the others?

I kinda feel sorry for all the cute hairclips and sticks I gave her, oh and the Vatika oil and stuff. What for? I'm sure soon she'll be complaining about her hair breaking off all the time again. Some people just don't learn.

It sounds to me like your mother prefers a perm. Keep in mind that it's her hair, not yours.

[Kristin]

I have similar frustrations with my mom's hair. She doesn't perm, but she colors to lighten and cover grays (her original color was dark brown/black, now she is medium auburn) and rips a plastic brush through wet hair. I feel physical pain when I hear her hair snap. It's still about BSL or longer, but she has tons of split ends for something so silly.

Unfortunately, we can't change others' behavior. If your mom likes to perm, she is going to perm. I would agree that her female co-workers are probably convincing her to do it, possibly subconsciously knowing it will not be flattering. Women at work frequently tell me to cut my hair, too.

[contradiction]

I don't know if it is so much women keeping other women in line (although that does play a part). I think it's that some people just want to fit in and be stylish and dont understand why certain things don't work for them. Maybe everyone else your mum works with who has a perm looks great, who knows. Anyways I do agree it's sad and there is too much an emphasis on conformity in this society. Sad.

[Sunny_side_up]

Aww must have been a shock for you:( My mums Thai friend always keeps her hair short (pixie length) and permed. Last year mum mentioned a perm but then decided against it phew:) Saw mum today and her lovely coarse 1c hair is reaching armpit length(fab hair for a woman in her 60s:heart:) she said she's thinking of cutting it to shoulder or maybe bob again for easy summer care! I said her longer hair will be easier to put up and keep out the way, so she's thinking a bit more. I was looking at pics on the computer from about 4 years ago when her hair was passing BSL then proceeded to tell her how gorgeous the pics were;) But at the end of the day it's up to mum what she does:cool:
Happy growing

[birthmarkie]

FWIW, I had great success removing a perm with a conditioning comb-through relaxer that was meant for those with naturally curly hair. I was able to get sleek, straight hair with that and no damage. The perm had been to help me grow out my bangs (easier to twirl back behind my ear that way). So if she does change her mind, maybe that would work for her too. At least now she has no right to complain about it though. It probably feels like a slap in the face that she did it behind your back. That often happens when people make impulsive decisions. They want to get it over with before they can change their minds.

[Learning_Mum]

They need to keep everybody in line to make sure they look as bad as the others?

Oh lord, this made me LOL!

[berr]

The odd thing is the compliments. Whenever you completely destroy your hair people at work will say how lovely it is. whatevah. A co-irker got her almost waist hair cut into a bob. Then she did something to make the ends (though straight) really thick so it looked like she had a bell over her head.

Someone asked me when I was going to get my hair cut and I said NEVER, cos I'd look foolish like THAT.

[andrea1982]

Well, at least your Mom seems happy with her hair at the moment, and is not regretting it. My Mom's in her early 50's, and she always had perms as long as I can remember until a couple years ago.

She works with younger people, and right before her last perm she had let her hair be straight (in a bob) for about a year. She was talking about getting a perm again, and her coworkers said "No! Please don't, it'll make you look older". She has very fine hair, and she also feels it's flat (it's not, she just has lots and lots of fine hair) She deliberated about it for a while, and eventually decided to get a perm.

When she came home to show my Dad, he said "You're co-workers were right. It does make you look older". OUCH! She was mad for a few days, but she's never gotten a perm again.