Should I Start All Over?

[kabelaced]

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

I'm going to make this point blank - should I just cut all of my hair off and start again?

About a month ago, my hair measured 22 inches, and my goal is at least waist. However, I've been hennaing my hair since October, and due to multiple full head applications it's been getting darker and darker. The color, although beautiful, I don't think suits me anymore, and I've always wondered how it would feel with really short hair, plus it wouldn't have any heat or styling damage either. Lastly, my dad's new wife's hair color is very close to mine, and that's part of the reason why I really don't want it on my hair anymore - very bad emotional experience, and I can't look in the mirror anymore and find this hair beautiful on myself.

Because my natural hair color is an almost ashy blonde and the henna color is very dark, there will be a harsh line of demarcation from when I stopped hennaing, and it's going to look funny to me. I love the thought of having long hair again, but this dark color is ugly to me now. I do love the conditioning effects of henna, though, so I will consider henna glosses in the future (also with cassia).

Please give me your advice!

[Maddy25]

hmmm, if you are concidering doing a henna gloss on your natural colour perhaps you can keep your length and as it grows, add the henna gloss to just the roots? That way the new hair will come in the colour you want and the line for the roots wont be very noticable.

[Purdy Bear]

I feel cutting should be your last resort. When ever I cut it was a major mistake. There are other options (ie wigs, hats, scarves), as this may be more of an emotional issue that isnt really connected to your hair.

[sibiryachka]

I agree with Purdy Bear; I'm concerned about the possible element of pique regarding your stepmother's hair color ; ) Without knowing the whole story, I can only say that in my experience, every time I've cut my hair in reaction to any kind of relationship issue, I've ended up regretting it. It can be a way of giving even more "power" to the other party, you know? Why should anyone you don't care for have any impact on your wishes, or your appearance?
I recommend trying to take that factor out of the equation when making your decision. If it still feels like the thing to do based on the factors that are really about *you* - removing damage, it's darker than you like, wanting to try a short cut - great. It really is all about you.

[kabelaced]

I feel cutting should be your last resort. When ever I cut it was a major mistake. There are other options (ie wigs, hats, scarves), as this may be more of an emotional issue that isnt really connected to your hair.


I'm considering hats or scarves, but she also wore wigs too, which upped her level of fakeness (she had tattooed eyebrows and fake lips too).

Even though I'm 20, I'm concerned that people won't like it (I'm also looking to go out on more dates), but at the same time I can't stand this color anymore and I'd really like to start fresh. I just moved out of a dysfunctional home and after more than half a year without a car, I'm finally getting one today.

[katha]

If you think it will make you happy, go for it!

I got a tattoo for emotional reasons and people told me not to do it. For me, its a symbol. Symbols are good. Cutting your hair now could be a symbol for you starting new - but that decision should be yours and shouldn't be influenced by other peoples haircolor choices. (I assume you have a problem with the person herself and not only her haircolor)

Anyways, I say if you want it, do it!

[StephanieB]

I'm going to make this point blank - should I just cut all of my hair off and start again?

Lastly, my dad's new wife's hair color is very close to mine, and that's part of the reason why I really don't want it on my hair anymore - very bad emotional experience, and I can't look in the mirror anymore and find this hair beautiful on myself.

Please give me your advice!
Since you asked for advice.....

"Lastly..." is hardly LAST. It's your FIRST reason for wanting to chop your own hair off. It's also not a good reason to do it.

Since you emotionally can't stand to look at your sstep-mother's hair on your head (so to speak)... and there is no good reason why you should do anything that might be self-damaging (even 'just' emotionally damaging)...

..... is there any good reason why you can't sneak into your step-mother's room when she's asleep and cur off her hair instead? NO WAIT - ONLY JOKING!!!

Seriously - I can fully understand not wishing to identify with your step-mother; I myself hate identifying in any manner with my own mother, who also happens to be a real monster - complete with seriously sociopathic mental problems. And I have the misfortune to physically resemble my mother... But I've never tried to damage myself facially for all that. Yeah, part of my weight problem could be in effort to not resemble Mother, although most of it is an eating disorder brought on by Mother's torture while I was growing up. (force-feeding was a favorite of my mother's, and she did it to me regularly from the time I ate solid food until the time I left home at the age of 20... and again at the age of 28. (At 21, I was beaten into a comatose state and left for dead by the boyfriend I then lived with and by the time I got out of the hospital, I was unable to live on my own, and was forced by the circumstance back into my parents' house for another 8 years.)

Don't be quite as foolish as I once was, honey. Don't damage your own image in avoidance of resembling your step-mother. If your step-mother isn't a nice person - then people will cease to identify you with her anyway, on their own, regardless of your hair color or length. If she's nice, but just not nice to you, then you still don't need to self-identify with her in any manner, even if you have similar hair. Stop and think: Do you know how many other people in this world have similar-looking hair to either her, or to you?! Plenty of those people are women with whom you'd love to be associated or identified with!!

I hope you get some counseling, because that's really what you seem to be crying out for... and that's what will benefit you the most. Leave your hair alone - or just start henna glossing instead of full henna-ing - until you feel better about yourself and your family circumstances!

BTW - wigs are not necessarily "fake" in the sense you're talking about. No comment on tattooed lips or eyebrows... but then again - how much difference is there, really, in the "true honesty" department, between make-up enhancment our eyebrows and/or lips daily or tattoing and doing the enhancements once for permanence?

If you don't want the bother or expense of wigs - then wear scarves and head wraps. Not fake, not permanent, not like your step-mother (apparently?), and not forcing you to continue (in your own eyes) to resemble your step-mother in the slightest.

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT cut your almost-APL hair for the sake of distancing yourself from any other woman!!!

I hope that you take serious stock of what you've been told in this thread before you cut your hair, and find a better solution.

Only cut your hair short if you really like, and want, short hair!

[Anje]

Before cutting, I'd look into ways to lighten henna if I were you. You probably won't get it all out, but I know Nightshade was able to lighten hers to a more coppery color with careful use of Sun-In. (Be sure to read her procedure in-depth before trying it!) Also, you might want to consider henna glosses or henna-cassia mixtures (primarily on the roots to avoid darkening the length) to make the line of demarcation less obvious.

It seems to me that you're reacting a bit to your dad's wife, and you're trying to purge everything that reminds you of the bad stuff now that you've moved out. Take a week or two to settle down, and think long and hard about it before you do anything.

Also, remember: people will like you without regard to what color your hair is. Also, most of them don't know the new woman, so they're not going to compare you to her.

[FrannyG]

I was 19 when I cut my hair quite short for what I now see were emotional reasons. However, I also got rid of leftover damaged perm ends, which I just couldn't stand anymore, and my cute new haircut did make me feel good. I think I only had the cut twice before I started growing it out again, but I never regretted it.

I came out of the experience with fresh non-permed hair, and a new outlook on myself.

If I were your age and I honestly always wanted to give short hair a go, I would do it. You have years to grow your hair if you want.

Aside from the emotional issues, dark henna is almost impossible to remove without extreme damage, so that's a factor.

So my suggestion to you is to enforce a 2-week rule and examine your true reasons for wanting to cut.

If it's for the right reason, it can give you a new confidence, and the feeling of making a fresh start, as it were.

However, if you do it for the wrong reasons, then you will only feel as though you have punished yourself, and that is never a good idea.

So really think on this, and let us know what you decide. :blossom:

[cindy58]

I agree with Franny. Think about it for a bit first. I don't think a haircut is the worst thing in the world, and you have valid reasons for a fresh beginning. IF I cut, and IF I decided that I wanted long hair for myself, I think it would also be a good idea to commit to sticking it out, having patience through the awkward stages of growing short to long.

[share801]

How short are you thinking of going? Have you *ever* had hair that short? I feel less feminine with really short hair but I think it is mostly because I don't tend to wear a lot of makeup and don't really have the delicate features/face shape that I think look so adorable with short hair. I would wait a bit in any case (2 weeks minimum) to make sure you are just not reacting to dad's wife. It might be good to let your non-hennaed hair grow a bit to see if the demarcation bothers you as much as you think. If you have a messy part or curly hair, wear it up, etc, it won't be as noticeable as a straight style would be.

[EtherealOde]

On a logical note here...There just aren't that many human hair colors in the world. You will always have the same color as someone, cutting off your hair to remove any association in your mind with another human is rather pointless. You may as well cut your fingers off because she has fingers, or your nose, because she has a nose, or become fat because she is thin, and so on.

You can always change your hair color by some of the methods discovered by our longer term members, along with your style, which will differentiate you from others. There are many more ways of styling your hair than there are actual hair color. And what are you going to do if she decides blonde suits her better? Cut it all off and start again?

Your decision is an emotional one, and (I say this next part without any kind of harshness or meanness intended at all) an immature one. You are what defines you, not her. Nor do any resemblences to this woman define you. You simply cannot take out your anger and resentment towards your father and his wife on yourself physically, it could lead to other actions you might also regret in the future. Please, take some time here and seriously think about seeing someone to get some help in working through these issues in a meaningful and healthful way. It sounds to me as though you may have been abused, emotionally or physically, and are now acting out due to anger at that abuse.

Toxic people can only do damage to us while we are young and vulnerable. But usually we are fortunate enough to be able to escape them as adults and can begin to heal. Once escaping them in a physical sense, the process of escaping emotionally, which is often much much harder, begins. This is the time where we have to realise that the only hurt they can do us now is that which we allow. If you do not allow them to hurt you, they cannot. It sounds like a simple statement, but it can be a very hard one to fully embrace as real. It is easier for some people to hold on to anger and resentment rather than moving forward with your life with you being the only one responsible for your happiness. But what you are doing is continuing to give those toxic people power over you, rather than empowering yourself, if your actions are carried out in reaction to them rather than purely because it pleases you.

If you cut your hair, it should be only because it would please you to have a certain haircut, If you color your hair, it should only be because you want it. Not as a reaction to this woman, and how she looks. Not as a reaction to your father, and who he married. Be the mistress of your own destiny, by understanding that the only way they can hurt you now is if YOU CHOOSE to allow it. It can be a very freeing realization when you see that a person is someone to be pitied rather than hated, because thay have made themself into someone you will never be able to love or have a meaningful relationship with due to their choices in life. it is often easier to accept this realization about a total stranger, or a co-worker, because we don't have any expectation that we somehow should want to love and be friends with them. It is harder to see that the exact same distinction applies to family.

A very wise individual once said you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. I would disagree a bit, and say you can choose your family if necessary for your own well-being. And you can also choose to have a relationship with family members that is deep and meanigful, or very shallow and fleeting. I believe we also choose the family we want, and let the rest drift away. Let me give you one last example, before I end my reply here. When I was in first grade, there was a horrid boy in third grade that bullied a lot of the kids in my school, including me. He made my life an absolutely miserable hell for that entire year. But the next year, he was in fourth grade, and went to another school. And he was no longer a part of my life anymore, and couldn't hurt me. My best friend told me his older brother told him that kid changed his ways after getting the snot beat out of him by some of the bigger kids at his new school when he tried to pull his bully act there, and he ended up being a kid on the sidelines from then on. Not really any friends, because he didn't have the social skills to make any. By the time I ended up back in school with him (in high school) he was a rather shy individual, who had a few friends but was certainly not the monster I once feared as a small child. And I felt rather sorry for him, because I think that a lot of the kids always remembered the way he had been and held it against him. I hope he managed to change as an adult. But my point is, that while I was too small to defend myself he had a power over me. That power ended once he wasn't a part of my everyday life.

Your father and his wife have lost their power over you if you let them go. So let them go, and free yourself. Anger and resentment hurts, it is a bitter and lonely thing. It eats at you, eroding your confidence and happiness. Don't give them that power, take it back and own your own happiness. Living well truly is the best revenge. And it is much more satisfying than living in the past. My thoughts are with you, and all the good karma I have is sent your way.

[VitaR86]

I was 19 when I cut my hair quite short for what I now see were emotional reasons. However, I also got rid of leftover damaged perm ends, which I just couldn't stand anymore, and my cute new haircut did make me feel good. I think I only had the cut twice before I started growing it out again, but I never regretted it.

I came out of the experience with fresh non-permed hair, and a new outlook on myself.

If I were your age and I honestly always wanted to give short hair a go, I would do it. You have years to grow your hair if you want.

Aside from the emotional issues, dark henna is almost impossible to remove without extreme damage, so that's a factor.

So my suggestion to you is to enforce a 2-week rule and examine your true reasons for wanting to cut.

If it's for the right reason, it can give you a new confidence, and the feeling of making a fresh start, as it were.

However, if you do it for the wrong reasons, then you will only feel as though you have punished yourself, and that is never a good idea.

So really think on this, and let us know what you decide. :blossom:

I think this is very good advice and agree with it.

[Oskimosa]

I appreciate StephanieB's POV alot, and it sounds like really sound advice. But having been in a similar situation, I agree with FrannyG. For example, I often worry my hennaed hair will get too dark or brownish and I'll look like my sister, and.. well it's complicated.

Having your own identity expressed through your looks is completely reasonable. If you feel like someone else (who you dislike, no less) has taken a piece of that, AND you feel like reinventing yourself or changing things up, go for it.

Invoke the 2-week rule, by all means!

[Addy]

I say:

Grow natural and no one will ever have the same exact color as you! :D

If you want to try a short do, go for it! Just remember, it takes less than a minute to cut it all off and years to grow it back. ;) If you want to try and work with the demarcation line and keep it long, go for it! It's your hair and above all, I'd be satisfied knowing you're happy with your decision regardless of why you do it. :)

[Stephichan]

I recently decided to (in a sense) start all over. It was a bit of a rash decision based off of high levels of stress I've been feeling lately. Would I recommend that someone else do it? Not really. I've always wanted a pixie, but would let myself get talked out of it. This was my way to take control over something and to feel 'freed' from expectations that I do what is "normal".

Part of me really regrets not just letting my hair be. I was starting to really love the color, the texture, and the softness that had been imparted by my routine. I see pictures of members here and I think about what might have been if I hadn't cut. I see girls (or guys!) on campus with long hair and a part of me gets sad. There is, however, another part that isn't sad at all. I'm proud of myself for being bold and going after something that I wanted because I wanted it and no one else. I have my whole life to grow my hair as long as I want, and believe me, I will.

I also see this as a learning experience. Never before have I woken up, looked in the mirror and laughed, thinking to myself "how in the world will I fix this?! It's sticking up everywhere!" Of course, after the first few days it stopped being funny and quickly became annoying. Probably I'm going to let it grow from here on out. Contrary to popular belief, short hair is not easier than long hair. I'm finding it to be much more difficult to care for and I miss being able to braid it and forget about it for a couple of days. I miss putting it up with hairsticks and knowing that a lot of people couldn't do that.

In the end, all I can say is that it is your hair. However, think of this: are you going to let that woman, in a sense, steal your hair color? You have it, you liked it, how is it fair that you should give it up and let her 'win'? If it really bothers you that much, I would head over to the henna board and read Nightshade's experiment with Sun-in. She had remarkable results and as long as you're careful and go slow with it, you very well could have some good results too. There's no need to sacrifice your length and your hard work just because the color reminds you of something unpleasant.

[kabelaced]

On a logical note here...There just aren't that many human hair colors in the world. You will always have the same color as someone, cutting off your hair to remove any association in your mind with another human is rather pointless. You may as well cut your fingers off because she has fingers, or your nose, because she has a nose, or become fat because she is thin, and so on.

You can always change your hair color by some of the methods discovered by our longer term members, along with your style, which will differentiate you from others. There are many more ways of styling your hair than there are actual hair color. And what are you going to do if she decides blonde suits her better? Cut it all off and start again?

Your decision is an emotional one, and (I say this next part without any kind of harshness or meanness intended at all) an immature one. You are what defines you, not her. Nor do any resemblences to this woman define you. You simply cannot take out your anger and resentment towards your father and his wife on yourself physically, it could lead to other actions you might also regret in the future. Please, take some time here and seriously think about seeing someone to get some help in working through these issues in a meaningful and healthful way. It sounds to me as though you may have been abused, emotionally or physically, and are now acting out due to anger at that abuse.

Toxic people can only do damage to us while we are young and vulnerable. But usually we are fortunate enough to be able to escape them as adults and can begin to heal. Once escaping them in a physical sense, the process of escaping emotionally, which is often much much harder, begins. This is the time where we have to realise that the only hurt they can do us now is that which we allow. If you do not allow them to hurt you, they cannot. It sounds like a simple statement, but it can be a very hard one to fully embrace as real. It is easier for some people to hold on to anger and resentment rather than moving forward with your life with you being the only one responsible for your happiness. But what you are doing is continuing to give those toxic people power over you, rather than empowering yourself, if your actions are carried out in reaction to them rather than purely because it pleases you.

If you cut your hair, it should be only because it would please you to have a certain haircut, If you color your hair, it should only be because you want it. Not as a reaction to this woman, and how she looks. Not as a reaction to your father, and who he married. Be the mistress of your own destiny, by understanding that the only way they can hurt you now is if YOU CHOOSE to allow it. It can be a very freeing realization when you see that a person is someone to be pitied rather than hated, because thay have made themself into someone you will never be able to love or have a meaningful relationship with due to their choices in life. it is often easier to accept this realization about a total stranger, or a co-worker, because we don't have any expectation that we somehow should want to love and be friends with them. It is harder to see that the exact same distinction applies to family.

A very wise individual once said you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. I would disagree a bit, and say you can choose your family if necessary for your own well-being. And you can also choose to have a relationship with family members that is deep and meanigful, or very shallow and fleeting. I believe we also choose the family we want, and let the rest drift away. Let me give you one last example, before I end my reply here. When I was in first grade, there was a horrid boy in third grade that bullied a lot of the kids in my school, including me. He made my life an absolutely miserable hell for that entire year. But the next year, he was in fourth grade, and went to another school. And he was no longer a part of my life anymore, and couldn't hurt me. My best friend told me his older brother told him that kid changed his ways after getting the snot beat out of him by some of the bigger kids at his new school when he tried to pull his bully act there, and he ended up being a kid on the sidelines from then on. Not really any friends, because he didn't have the social skills to make any. By the time I ended up back in school with him (in high school) he was a rather shy individual, who had a few friends but was certainly not the monster I once feared as a small child. And I felt rather sorry for him, because I think that a lot of the kids always remembered the way he had been and held it against him. I hope he managed to change as an adult. But my point is, that while I was too small to defend myself he had a power over me. That power ended once he wasn't a part of my everyday life.

Your father and his wife have lost their power over you if you let them go. So let them go, and free yourself. Anger and resentment hurts, it is a bitter and lonely thing. It eats at you, eroding your confidence and happiness. Don't give them that power, take it back and own your own happiness. Living well truly is the best revenge. And it is much more satisfying than living in the past. My thoughts are with you, and all the good karma I have is sent your way.



Thank you. Your post really spoke to me (and thank you, everyone, all of your posts were extremely helpful as well). After a few days of deliberation and really studying how my hair looks, I'd really like to cut my hair off and start with my natural color. Even though I don't like the way it looked before, I know a lot more about coloring options in conjunction to henna if I want to do so in the future - but now my hair's really dark and I don't want to use Sun-In and damage my hair. I've never had my hair extremely short before (like, a couple inches), and I've always wondered how that would look. Like I read on here, I have many years to grow my hair, and from past experience it's gone down to at least mid-back.

When I was compiling my inspiration hair folder, I was really drawn to the golden orange hair colors on the ladies - and I realized that while this color is unique in its own way, it was never really the color I wanted, anyway. I'd like to make a new, fresh start in my life - I'll be turning 21 in August, changing my last name around that time, and my family just helped me get a car after six months without one (that time span was one of the lowest in my whole life), and I'm looking for a full time job, so I'm thinking of growing out the henna until August and cutting off all the henna'd hair, no matter what the length.

Thank you again for helping me work through this difficult time. I will keep moving forward, and it's great to know that there are so many caring people in the world. :heartbeat