Cancer, Hair & Self Image

[nycstar]

I feel compelled to post about cancer & how so many women (& men) are affected by chemo/radiation treatment. My mother (now 57 years young) was diagnosed with breast cancer last March (so she just hit her year mark). Hair has been my mother's trademark her whole life. At any length, she always kept it healthy and the crowning glory of her beauty regime (she had it waist length with a blunt-cut hemline in her 20s). In order to battle the cancer, the much dreaded (extremely aggressive) chemotherapy was put in place by her oncologist and she did lose her hair. She had asked me to take her to the hair stylist so that her BSL hair could be cut to a Pixie style (my mom couldn't bare the thought of watching her straight hair to fall out in long strands). Sooner than later her she was bald and she constantly sported handkerchiefs tied around her head. She looked beautiful to me (although the chemo took its toll on her and she lost weight). In an effort to support my mom, my brother (who is known for getting buzz cuts from time to time) had his hair shaved off and kept it that way for the duration of my mom's chemo treatment. Of course I supported my mother in many other ways but I didn't cut my hair or even trim it (to join in my brother's efforts). My mother made remarks about my long hair like: Oh, how I miss my hair... you don't know the luxury you have [as she pointed to my head].

In hindsight, I feel guilty--I love my mom dearly and always want her to be happy! She stopped the chemo treatment a couple of months back & recently finished her radiation treatment ("hallelujah," as my mom put it). Her hair has grown back to bob length, just as thick and lovely as she had it all her life (salt & pepper, sans hair dye)--she looks beautiful!

I guess I'm posting this to get some residual emotions off my chest... but I'm curious to know how others feel about this subject. Was I selfish?

correction: my mom's hair is more of a pixie cut now.. but the longest strands are at bob's length. It's growing fast and we're praying for the doctors to utter the word: remission.

[Carolyn]

No, I don't think you were selfish at all. I don't know where the "let's all shave our heads in support" thing came from but it seems to be a popular thing to do these days. I've never been the one who lost her hair but I've had several friends who have lost theirs. I don't think they would have felt "supported" by someone else shaving their head. It's something they knew they had to deal with and it wasn't going to be permanent. They all dealt with it in the usual ways of wigs, scarves and hats. They all felt the loss but they also knew their hair would grow back. I don't know for sure since it hasn't happened to me, but if I were to lose my hair to chemo, I would be very upset and appalled if someone shaved their hair to "support" me. I don't think misery needs company. I think the best thing I could do to support someone who had lost her hair to chemo would be not wear my hair down or flaunt it when I was around that person. I'd wear simply up styles. If that person wanted to talk or cry about their hair loss, I'd try to hold their hand and cry with her. So no I don't think you were selfish at all. You supported your mom in other ways.

[gmdiaz]

No, I don't think you were selfish at all. I don't know where the "let's all shave our heads in support" thing came from but it seems to be a popular thing to do these days. I've never been the one who lost her hair but I've had several friends who have lost theirs. I don't think they would have felt "supported" by someone else shaving their head. It's something they knew they had to deal with and it wasn't going to be permanent. They all dealt with it in the usual ways of wigs, scarves and hats. They all felt the loss but they also knew their hair would grow back. I don't know for sure since it hasn't happened to me, but if I were to lose my hair to chemo, I would be very upset and appalled if someone shaved their hair to "support" me. I don't think misery needs company. I think the best thing I could do to support someone who had lost her hair to chemo would be not wear my hair down or flaunt it when I was around that person. I'd wear simply up styles. If that person wanted to talk or cry about their hair loss, I'd try to hold their hand and cry with her. So no I don't think you were selfish at all. You supported your mom in other ways.

I agree with this whole statement. . .I would be morified if someone cut their hair to "support" me.

[Purdy Bear]

It is very hard not only dealing with someone elses hair loss but also the whole cancer thing.

My mother died of Ovarian Cancer in 2003 within months of the initial diagnosis. She cut her already short hair to even shorter waiting for it to fall, but it never did. She kept her hair to the day she died.

As an Alopecia sufferer I know exactly how your mother felt, and it is a very hard one. Scarves are an absolute good send, and its a shame that good wigs are so very expensive.

Im glad your mothers hair has grown back, Im sure it wont take long to get back to its other length.

[Hiriel]

I don't think you were selfish at all. And if your mother missed her hair a lot, and knew how hard it could be to lose one's hair, I don't think she'd really want you to cut all yours off unless you wanted to? The comment she made sounds more like she wanted you to love the hair you have, not cut it off :)

[nycstar]

Thank you all for the supportive & comforting comments. I actually feel better! I cannot fathom what it is like to go through something like that.... but the kind of support I would want wouldn't come from a buzz cut (or any hair cut at all); a caring person, holding my hand, would suffice.

[princessp]

I guess I'm posting this to get some residual emotions off my chest... but I'm curious to know how others feel about this subject. Was I selfish?

No, you were not selfish at all. I am sure you were not the only person with long hair she encountered during her days of chemotherapy. It sounds to me as if your brother and you had totally different roles in this, and you both performed them humbly and with grace.

What a terribly difficult thing to go through. I am sending you and your mom all the strength I can muster that everything continues to be well from here on out.

[nycstar]

What a terribly difficult thing to go through. I am sending you and your mom all the strength I can muster that everything continues to be well from here on out.

You are so kind, princessp... I appreciate it.

[kwaniesiam]

No, you were not selfish at all. You love your mom and were there for her emotionally the best you could possibly be. You're a good daughter and what more could she ask for? Personally, I don't get the whole "shave heads in support" thing either. Your beautiful hair came from her, didn't it? I would have seen it as a nice reminder for when she recovered and could grow hers out again with you.

[jera]

I don't think you were selfish at all. How does it help a loved one if you shave your head because they're having chemo? :confused: If it would cure them miraculously, I'd understand but it doesn't.

If it were me, I know I would not shave my head in sympathy with a cancer patient even if they were a family member, but I would not flaunt my hair either. I think I'd bun it or wear it under a kerchief to help make them feel more complete. But I wouldn't shave it off.

I hope your mom makes a full and speedy recovery from her cancer. :)

[SilvraShadows]

What a difficult time. How blessed she is to be supported by her family in all her decisions during this time. Both you and your brother showed her your deep love for her and offered up support in unique ways. I don't see your decision to not shave your head as selfish, not one iota! I don't want this to come off wrong but I see it as a greater sacrifice to shave years of length off than, say, a short style; and it's a big thing to do if you're a woman as opposed to being a man. It was a loving gesture on his part, but support comes in many other ways.

How wonderfully happy your mother must be! She has her life back and in time she will have her hair back too. If anything you are her inspiration.

[Debra83]

I don't think that was selfish at all. It's amazing the things we can feel guilt for as women, but especially daughters.

[CrisDee]

I wonder if the best support you could have given her was to be there with your beautiful hair - as an inspiration to keep her strong through the chemo and recovery until she can grow that same kind of hair back herself.

Prayers for her complete recovery :)

[Amara]

I don't think it's selfish at all! It's your hair and there are many many ways to show your support and love to someone who is going through difficult times!!

On the other hand, I don't agree with some other posters that it's a crazy idea to shave one's head in support of someone losing their hair because of chemo. I think it could be a great statement. It all depends on the two people involved.

[embee]

I don't see it as selfish. My dear friend had pancreatic cancer. I didn't cut or shave my hair, but I did drive her to therapy, read books to her at hospice, sat by her bed, and held her hand while she was dying. It never entered my head to shave my hair off.

You were there for your mom. You *are* there for your mom. That's the big thing.

Best wishes for your mom winning this war.

[ericthegreat]

You absolutely were NOT selfish. I also don't believe in the whole "Let's all shave our heads in solidarity." hoopla that's going on. Now, if someone willingly decides to shave their own head without being pressured into doing it, more power to them. But I really dislike when a longhaired person is pushed or shamed into shaving/cutting off/donating their long hair. There are a million other more sensible ways to show support for cancer, like actually raising money and hosting fundraisers and running a marathon all in the search for an actual cure or effective treatment for the cancer.

God forbid I ever find myself developing any kind of cancer, I definitely wouldn't want anyone else to shave their head for me. I wouldn't want anyone else to needlessly suffer the way I would be suffering, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and certainly not on anyone I considered a friend! You have beautiful hair nycstar, I'm sure your mother was actually meaning that she missed her own long hair and she wanted you to take better care of your hair. I hope she stays in remission and gets better, I will pray for her and your family. :)

[nycstar]

I've just read all the additional comments of support & good wishes and want to send you a BIG thank you!!!! Your kind words mean a whole lot! :)

[jera]

As an Alopecia sufferer I know exactly how your mother felt, and it is a very hard one. Scarves are an absolute good send, and its a shame that good wigs are so very expensive.

Sometimes Health insurance will cover the cost of a wig as a prosthetic. Especially for women. Have you considered this option? ;)

[Princess Kitti]

Thank you all for the supportive & comforting comments. I actually feel better! I cannot fathom what it is like to go through something like that.... but the kind of support I would want wouldn't come from a buzz cut (or any hair cut at all); a caring person, holding my hand, would suffice.

I have been through this myself (ovarian cancer), and I totally agree with you here - the kind of support I needed did not come from people shaving their heads! Just being there and listening was enough. You are not selfish at all, and I hope your mother makes a full recovery :)

[nycstar]

Thank you princess kitti (HUGS)

[Princess Kitti]

Thank you princess kitti (HUGS)

You're welcome :D

[SpinningCarrie]

It was very difficult for me to read your post, NYCStar. I lost my sister Jennifer to Ewings Sarcoma in 2003. She was living with me when she started chemo, and I held her as her waist length red hair began falling out. I cut it for her and cried with her. My BIL couldn't understand why it was such a big deal. He had begun balding at the age of 23, and didn't get it. Jen was known for her hair. When my mom would take us to get it cut she would inevitably end up with all the stylists over to her chair to feel how thick it was. Like your mother, she was known for her hair. It honestly never occured to me to cut mine either, and when someone offered, she told him "No, I wouldn't want the cancer to get anyone elses."
I can tell how much you love and care for your mother, I am sure that you have done far more to support her than you realize. I wish the best for you and your mother.

Carrie