"The more oil you put on your head, more hair you'll lose!!!" (rant)

[Dreams_in_Pink]

That's what my mom claims.

And there's nothing i can do to convince her right now.

Her definition of healthy hair amazes me. She thinks my hair was its healthiest when my hair was stripped down to its medulla, feeling like straw and my scalp was invaded by gigantic-sized flakes, which exposed pink raw layer of skin once scratched off. She thinks that those cone-loaded expensive serums and SLS shampoos are the healthiest hair products and vegetable oils like castor and jojoba are the most dangerous to hair and scalp. She thinks only olive oil is safe to use on hair, all other oils would damage hair and scalp so bad that everyone using them will go bald at some point in their life. She thinks by doing an ACV rinse, you're getting your hair dirty and smelly again.

She thinks flat-ironing is damaging (ditto there) but blow-drying isn't (uh oh). She also thinks that chemical dyes aren't damaging, while henna (you read it right) is very damaging.

If she was a random person, i wouldn't give a damn. But since i'm living with her and she's onto everything i do to myself, i need her support. I asked her for an ACV solution (after assuring that the smell would fade away) she prepared it and when time came for the final rinse, i learnt that the mixture was boiling hot, by experiment (a good rinse was wasted.)

I know that time WILL prove me right, but i need a good amount of time (months) to establish a hair care routine and get my hair back on track. I don't know how i'll be able to pass that time really; i'll have to sneak all my haircare items from her line of sight and do everything undercover all these months.

Oh well. wish me luck and patience, i'll need them.

[Aer]

I'm sorry your mom is being that way. She probably was misinformed at some point about hair care, especially natural hair care. My mom was sort of like yours for awhile, but after awhile, she saw how my hair improved, and now she has taken some steps to treat her hair better. A lot of SLS shampoo companies will claim that their products are the only way you can keep your hair/scalp healthy, and some magazines will promote this claim by saying how great such and such shampoo/conditioner is. Maybe she has an issue with it being something she doesn't know much about, and this upsets her? I'm sure your mom loves you, and whatever her reasons are, I'm sure with time, things will resolve themselves.

[Dreams_in_Pink]

glad i'm not the only one with mom problems :D of course she loves me and wants the best for me, but she's being kinda close-minded. I want best for myself too after all, why would i want to go bald? ;) I wish she wasn't too skeptical about my researches. When i tell her about everything i know, she gets bored so easily (she's not into grooming business) and things i say enters from one ear and exits from the other :(

[Kirzja]

Maybe it would work if you showed her some articles about the benefits of natural hair care? About the damaging effects of cones and SLS?

Otherwise, just stick to your routine and don't discuss it with her until your hair and scalp have really improved.

I don't live with my mom anymore, but I am sure she would react in the exact same way if I told her about it!
My dbf who lives with me knows about the ACV rinses I do (he asked me why I bought it, and I couldn't come up with an excuse so I told him). He thinks it's a bit weird, but he doesn't mind. 'Whatever works for you'

I guess not sharing everything about your hair with your mom would probably be the best way to go.

Good luck!

[Qadupae]

I agree with Kirzja about possibly bringing forth articles of proof on how oils and such are quite beneficial to hair. Although you know that everyone here will support your hair growth, it is nice to have someone close to you playing a supportive and encouraging role as well. I am still trying to get encouragement from my DFutureH, but I have claimed to grow my hair out before only to cut it in a month, so I understand why he is a little aloof about it now. He'll come around, and eventually and hopefully, so will your mom too ^_^

[Dreams_in_Pink]

Maybe it would work if you showed her some articles about the benefits of natural hair care? About the damaging effects of cones and SLS?

Otherwise, just stick to your routine and don't discuss it with her until your hair and scalp have really improved.

I don't live with my mom anymore, but I am sure she would react in the exact same way if I told her about it!
My dbf who lives with me knows about the ACV rinses I do (he asked me why I bought it, and I couldn't come up with an excuse so I told him). He thinks it's a bit weird, but he doesn't mind. 'Whatever works for you'

I guess not sharing everything about your hair with your mom would probably be the best way to go.

Good luck!

Unfortunately, there is no article in turkish about cones, SLS and hair oils, and my mom doesn't know english. Even if she did, she'd be too reluctant to read one tenth of what i've read so far.

I'd love not to share it all with her but, when you live with someone, they get to see the things you do, which requires an explanation. (like you had to explain ACV to your dbf) Mom still doesn't know everything, like how i started to CO wash and scalp massages. And hopefully, she will not learn.


Although you know that everyone here will support your hair growth, it is nice to have someone close to you playing a supportive and encouraging role as well. I am still trying to get encouragement from my DFutureH, but I have claimed to grow my hair out before only to cut it in a month, so I understand why he is a little aloof about it now. He'll come around, and eventually and hopefully, so will your mom too ^_^

That's a good point. I've done hair-related mistakes before (like the big chop) so she lost her trust in my knowledge :/ i wish there was a faster way to regain her trust, instead of having to wait a year.

[Gypsygirl]

How old are you? If you are an adult, I think there is no reason why you should not (respectfully) ask her to let you do what works for you. No need to explain things over and over again... If you are still very young, maybe you could find a book about natural haircare somewhere and give it to her? Do you have any older aunts or cousins that understand your point of view and that could talk to your mother and support you?

[Dreams_in_Pink]

i'm 20, and no i'm not "asking" her what to do. i do it and when she sees what i'm doing, she asks why. The main problem here is that natural haircare is not that popular here in turkey. I have a hard time finding high quality hairtoys, coconut oil, cone-free and sls-free stuff. You're kind of forced to use plastic sticks and coney expensive serums and harsh shampoos because these are all you can find. This leads to women knowing little or nothing at all about haircare. Now they're just rejecting all these because that's not how they were grown up.

People should start thinking outside the box.

[spidermom]

Your results will speak for themselves as your hair grows and improves in healthy appearance. When you need support, come here.

[nuxa]

I know what you mean :( my mom until this day doesn't use any condish! And as a kid she wouldn't let use it either (and I'm a 3a... imagine the combing after!) and rubbed my hair and scalp like crazy with sls poo .... that was a nightmare!
She just believes that anything other that SLS poo will leave your hair dirty and will make it all fall out... :disgust:
Now just imagine what her reaction was when I started using oils, AVG and doing CO washes! My hair is already in better shape but she still claims it looks bad just to prove her point lol
Don't worry, they will come around when the improvement is obvious like Aer said! But yes, people in my country are really closed to changes too, we just have too be patient and confident about what we are doing :D

[myrrhmaiden]

I would suggest for now to just agree to disagree. Time will reveal who knows best. If you are doing hair related things and she is butting in and making comments and nitpicking, just tell her, you aren't interested and respectfully decline discussing it. It's an impasse. She'll eat her words later I'm sure. I think it's next to impossible to be a member here without having improved hair.

[Dreams_in_Pink]

Your results will speak for themselves as your hair grows and improves in healthy appearance. When you need support, come here.

I am here like all the time, and love it! :cheese:


I know what you mean :( my mom until this day doesn't use any condish! And as a kid she wouldn't let use it either (and I'm a 3a... imagine the combing after!) and rubbed my hair and scalp like crazy with sls poo .... that was a nightmare!
She just believes that anything other that SLS poo will leave your hair dirty and will make it all fall out... :disgust:
Now just imagine what her reaction was when I started using oils, AVG and doing CO washes! My hair is already in better shape but she still claims it looks bad just to prove her point lol


Bolded for total agreement! Exactly the same here, word by word! Heh, if i knew some people would join it, i'd open a turkish longhair forum so that at least some local women can get hair-literate :rolleyes:

She'll eat her words later I'm sure. I think it's next to impossible to be a member here without having improved hair.

That's very true! :)

[shwankie]

What's interesting is that traditionally, Turkish women were renowned for their beautiful hair and skin, all from the natural treatments in the hammams. All over the world today, top-rated, 5-star spas use these same treatments (muds, milk baths, exfoliation techniques, olive oil rubs & hair masques) with pride for movie stars and other celebrities.

Perhaps doing some research on historic women noted for their lush locks? Or casually mention which 5-star spa that caters to Top Celebrity Beauty X is doing that deep-hair or skin oiling, coconut rub, etc.? Just an idea, I realize she still may not want to change what she knows. Changing your paradigm generally gets more difficult as you get older, and going against a societal "knowledge" she's grown up with may be nigh impossible.

We're here to support you, though, so hopefully you can come here to rant about problems and rave about your progress! Hang in there.

[amoulixes]

Sometimes it's not about being right. I second to agree to disagree. It's nice that you want to show her different ways of doing things, but it could be that she feels threatened by your attempts at educating her; maybe she feels it's insulting. When people are suddenly told what they're doing is harmful, some change immediately and some go into denial. I think it'd be far better to forget about it, it's not worth putting a strain on the relationship between you and your mother. Do what works for you, sometimes it's better to keep knowledge to yourself :)

[starlights]

im sorry to hear your mum isnt being supportive as you like... but u have to stick in there and do what you believe is right for your hair, she'll see the difference in your hair soon!

[Zaane]

i feel you guys on that....my dads the same way (since i dont live with my mom), its so annoying for him to ALWAYS be on me about what im doing. not even that its healthy, but the fact that im walking around the house with a shower cap with an oil treatment under it............ugh i cant stand it. >.> gotta sneak everything by him.....so annoying!!!

[Dreams_in_Pink]

shwankie, you're right, Turkish women used all natural stuff way before like hennaeing skin & hair, using mud masks and tea rinses. On the other hand, thanks to all the commercial products and advancing technology, turkish women are now lured to think chemical stuff work way better than natural homemade stuff. If I gave those ancient women as example, she'd say that was because they had no products in their hands like we do. Besides, she also does not believe in treatments made in spas. :rolleyes:

I believe that there will come a time when people will go back to basics, the way A-List stars go to hammams. It just takes a little more time to figure out how some substances in cosmetic products affect human health. The awareness started, as people now try to buy organic products and soak fruits in vinegar to get rid of any pollution/pesticides. Pesticides were also wonder product once upon a time :)

[nuxa]

Bolded for total agreement! Exactly the same here, word by word! Heh, if i knew some people would join it, i'd open a turkish longhair forum so that at least some local women can get hair-literate :rolleyes:

Lol I would invite you to come teach here too :p

Now that I think of it.. isn't it scary that culture can just "blind" people!
Some generations ago people here all had massive manes of thick hair that they just abused with REEEALLY harsh cleansers and wouldn't fall (they had more to worry about back than any way!)... Now those genes just got lost in time and all that's left is a hand full of bad habits and too much bad hair days lol

[Dreams_in_Pink]

Sometimes it's not about being right. I second to agree to disagree. It's nice that you want to show her different ways of doing things, but it could be that she feels threatened by your attempts at educating her; maybe she feels it's insulting. When people are suddenly told what they're doing is harmful, some change immediately and some go into denial. I think it'd be far better to forget about it, it's not worth putting a strain on the relationship between you and your mother. Do what works for you, sometimes it's better to keep knowledge to yourself :)

this cannot really harm our relationship, we forget about it a few minutes later. I'm not educating her either, she's the one who starts talking over the issue! sometimes she tries to prevent me from doing things by shouting or making fun of me, which is highly annoying. Of course, there's no way she can stop me from doing what i think is right, if she forces me, i'll start telling her lies. :rolleyes:


i feel you guys on that....my dads the same way (since i dont live with my mom), its so annoying for him to ALWAYS be on me about what im doing. not even that its healthy, but the fact that im walking around the house with a shower cap with an oil treatment under it............ugh i cant stand it. >.> gotta sneak everything by him.....so annoying!!!
at least my dad doesn't interfere with my haircare :D he says "do what ye like!!"

ETA:

Lol I would invite you to come teach here too :p
Now that I think of it.. isn't it scary that culture can just "blind" people!
Some generations ago people here all had massive manes of thick hair that they just abused with REEEALLY harsh cleansers and wouldn't fall (they had more to worry about back than any way!)... Now those genes just got lost in time and all that's left is a hand full of bad habits and too much bad hair days lol

There was a link with super-long haired historical women. I don't think they had pantene back in the day :D

[amoulixes]

this cannot really harm our relationship, we forget about it a few minutes later. I'm not educating her either, she's the one who starts talking over the issue! sometimes she tries to prevent me from doing things by shouting or making fun of me, which is highly annoying. Of course, there's no way she can stop me from doing what i think is right, if she forces me, i'll start telling her lies. :rolleyes:


at least my dad doesn't interfere with my haircare :D he says "do what ye like!!"

I apologize for misunderstanding! I guess all you can do is take a deep breath and keep doing what makes you happy :D

[Pear Martini]

lol, maybe she is trying to scare you out of doing things she doesn't like on you?

Sounds like my mamma too :o

[Unofficial_Rose]

Speaking as someone old enough to be your mum, I think it's hard to take on new ideas for some of us after a certain age. We grow up with certain ideas/received wisdom about beauty care and they stick!

My own mother had evidently absorbed some idea about mascara making your eyelashes brittle, and would trot this one out like a mantra every time it was mentioned. Er, yes, but a) formulations have changed since the 1950's and b) eyelashes replace themselves every three weeks, so it hardly matters.

As Spidermom says, your own healthy hair will prove otherwise! And me, well, I still have eyelashes. ;)

[lora410]

If oil makes you lose more hair, then I would be bald right now since I used it daily and "gasp" for heavy oilings.

[Unofficial_Rose]

If oil makes you lose more hair, then I would be bald right now since I used it daily and "gasp" for heavy oilings.

Heh! GPWM (good point well made) - pretty much all of us on here would be bald as eggs. :p

[Domino]

Heh, if i knew some people would join it, i'd open a turkish longhair forum so that at least some local women can get hair-literate

I would love to join :) :)

[Yozhik]

Sorry about the support that your not receiving at home -- but that's what you have us for, right? :D :flower:

Unofficial Rose -- that was a great point about mascara. I had heard people say that, but no refutations on why it wasn't true. Thanks! :)

[Fiferstone]

Perhaps you could show your mom some pictures from some of our albums? I'm a hip-length henna-head. My own routine now is full wash once a week preceded by heavy coconut oiling the night before wash day; scalp wash 4 days following full wash - my scalp does get oily fairly quickly. In both cases I use an ACV rinse: 5 ml. of ACV in 200 ml. warm (not boiling) water. I use that as my final rinse for both the full wash and the scalp wash. I also put my conditioner in my coconut-oiled hair the morning of wash day, and go about my usual routine, washing it out in the shower. That saves time and I've found that I've had much softer, shinier hair this way. If you'd like to show your mother my pictures, please feel free :).This one's pretty good in terms of shine:http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/album.php?albumid=4590&pictureid=59046. This one's better in terms of color (3 years of henna - LUSH henna, but I'm going to switch to Yemeni soon): http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/album.php?albumid=4590&pictureid=60400.

[Bonkers57]

I'd be bald, too! My scalp (and face) are oily naturally. Not only would I be bald, but I wouldn't have eyelashes or eyebrows, either!:agape:


If oil makes you lose more hair, then I would be bald right now since I used it daily and "gasp" for heavy oilings.

[getoffmyskittle]

The more your results show, the more your mom will come to you for hair tips and start to take your advice. :wink: She may even start arguing with her friends about hair care and cite you as the authority. YMMV on this one though. :lol:

[Juli414]

I could only wish that having oily skin would make facial hair fall out (I come from 3 lines of furry people).

[ericthegreat]

I definitely DON'T share my true hair care tips in general to the people around me. I can only imagine their horror and disgust. They'd say "What!? You don't wash your hair with shampoo every night? Using conditioner only can't get your hair and scalp clean, ewwww you're dirty!"

We here at LHC all know that stretching out your washes, using conditioner only, and actually applying an outside oil on your hair and scalp like coconut oil are actually healthier ways to care for our hair. But to the non-LHC and non-long hair society, blatant cleanliness is valued above everything else. Hair that has been washed with shampoo twice every night, protected only with a coney conditioner that masks all the damage, and then blown dry every night is considered the standard way of caring for your hair.

I understand that you currently live with your mother right now, so for the meanwhile simply don't let her see you with oil in your hair. Whatever times she isn't home, that's when you apply the oil to your hair.

[smilinjenn71]

Makes me think of my mom. She still insists that you catch a cold from changing weather temperatures. It couldn't POSSIBLY be a virus that we catch. No, it's because she didn't wrap up enough going out when it was cold. LOL

**sorry, I know this isn't hair related**

Just goes to show you that you can't change people's ideas sometimes. It's best to simply ignore as much as you can.

[Pierre]

Unfortunately, there is no article in turkish about cones, SLS and hair oils, and my mom doesn't know english. Even if she did, she'd be too reluctant to read one tenth of what i've read so far.
Can you translate them?

[JamieLeigh]

If she means "lose hair" by way of shedding...I can't see why anything you put on your hair would cause that, unless it's something that damages the scalp and the pores the follicles are growing out from. And oil would not do that, lol. Good luck with educating your mom - I gave up on mine. :p

[Euphony]

I get the occasional odd look when someone sees me grab a tad of coconut oil and run it through my hair. Then I get the very agreeable look when they look at my hair. Yep there's some atypical things I do to my hair and I get asked for hair care advice all the time. I love seeing the look on someone's face when I mention some of the things I do, then I usually get the person reaching behind me and grabbing the tips of my hair followed by the look of shock. That is usually followed by more questions but this time they are really paying attention.

Maybe show her some pictures of members with hair types similar to yours. Especially if you could show her some henna heads.

Another thought is to try a water only washing method. I've read a lot of success stories on this forum from wo. You could also simply 'hide' your hair from her, just wear it up all the time if that is feasible.

[Johanna]

I had a hairdresser tell me that by putting oil on my hair, I was actually deep frying it. She told me that by putting oil on your hair meant that when you went out into the sun it would boil your hair from the inside.
I lied and told her I only put it on at night and rinsed it out in the morning, just to halt her ranting.

My roots! My roots are boiling from my sebum! I must shampoo it 5 times to get it off!

[tevlevo]

Haha! Boiling roots!

I think moms are just too used to telling their daughters about things, especially *women* things. It must be hard on them when their baby girls start to tell them about such things. :)
My mom just wants desperately to repeat the info she learned from my grandma, like "Brush your hair every day". She still does this. When I was a kid she made me brush my curly hair, she has straight hair. I thought my hair was ugly, until I grew older and figured it out on my own. Now I listen to people, but I don't take any advice too seriously. I just have to find out what works for me. Just don't argue with your mom too much, she means well! :)

[3azza]

Dear Dreams in Pink, i have a similar problem, but with my mother in law.
My mother in law (who is turkish too :) by the way ) always criticises the way i use henna and oils. She has to tell me everytime i see her what she would do if she had my hair.
i have big curly hair. She says i should use hair spray to tame the frizz and keep the big volume, and i should do keratin treatments which are full of formaldehyde (a carcinogenic preservative used in the laboratory), and i should switch from my dark brown colour to a shade of red. she has endless sugestions that i hear everytime i see her.
At first i used to argue with her trying to explain why i follow natural treatments and avoid chemicals, but she would never listen. I learned that trying to explain to her would only create tension between us because she is someone who thinks she is never wrong.
So what i do now is just tell her: yeah, i'll think about it, or yeah why not.
Luckily enough we don't live together like your case, but her being my mother in law is harder for me than her being my mother because i can afford to argue with my mum as much as i want and then we would forget about it and it would not create any tension in my marriage.