Impatient and filled with doubt

[rootbeerbrown]

I'm impatient to already BE where I'm trying to go and filled with doubt that I'll ever get there because every time I start to make some progress I cut in a fit of dissatisfaction. I get to juuuuuust about brastrap length and become frustrated...then cut on impulse...then have remorse...then start the cycle all over again.

I really want to make it this time but I've been "growing out" for more than a decade and I'm no closer than I was at the start.

Please help me get over that upper mid back length and persevere!

Right now I'm sitting at the joint of neck and shoulder and my first goal [not very extreme...my FIRST goal is just to make it past that "Must Cut" length] is below bra strap.

[Gumball]

The main thing to get over is the impulse. Control the impulse and you limit the "cutting due to dissatisfaction" area of your problem. The "two week rule" goes well there, where if you feel like you want to cut or change something you sit on the idea for two weeks to really weigh it. Benign neglect will also be your friend when you're growing out. If you keep ignoring your hair eventually it will magically become longer. Watch the pot and it takes longer to boil, etc.

[Keildra]

Main thing is obey the two week rule, think about getting a cut for two weeks and if for a single moment you change your mind start your two weeks over again.
Also when I get frustrated with how much my hair is not growing I do an up-do challenge that way my hair is out of sight out of mind and it doesn't bother me. I think the up-do challenge really helps because not only does it get my mind off of it but it helps me learn fun things to do with my length and it makes me realize that if I cut my hair I wouldn't be able to do any of this.
That's the only advice I can think of except for the trimming pact which is "no sooner than every other month, and no more than one inch at a time."

[rootbeerbrown]

Thanks gumball. I know it's a matter of impulse control. Benign neglect is my usual plan and practically speaking it suits me well. I really don't fully understand the impulse and I have a really difficult time getting around it [obviously].

I'm actually thinking LESS neglect might be helpful because it's often the LACK of self care/maintainance that sends me into a long hair = bad/ styled hair = good all or nothing frame of mind.

[jivete]

It's good to do weekly deep treatments or think of all new, nice ways to treat your hair. I also like frequent S&D and am starting monthly dustings so I feel like I'm doing something to care for my hair besides just benign neglect.

[rootbeerbrown]

What I might do is use a modified style until I'm closer to my goal and continue going to the hair dresser to maintain bangs or face framing layers etc.

As I said I've always been a bit prone to "all or nothing" thinking and hairstyle isn't an issue that really requires it imo. Maybe I'll get farther if I'm not fighting upstream against a tide of negative feedback over a long period of time.

Then when it's properly "long" and I am actually able to do the long styles I want to do I won't need the regular maintainance [maybe? probably?].

This is sort of new territory for me because I have never been one to be a salon regular. I think I'm able to be adamant about what my goals are and find someone to work with me rather than try to talk me into somehting more trendy.

[feralnature]

I just wrote a long post and then lost it in space.

Basically, my siggy pic is from a good while back so my hair is much longer. My avatar is almost 2 years old, when i joined here.

Here's what i did:

1. NO TRIMS! Not till much later when I have length. If you keep cutting, how can it attain the length you desire, get that idea out of your head. You will HAVE to go through an awkward stage where you need clips and pins. We all did.
2. No heat like blowfryers or flat irons
3. Use coconut oil, it is my best friend
4. Do not wash too often
5. Read this forum everyday and hang out here. There is so much comraderie and ideas and encouragement. This site has made a world of difference for alot of people.

This is all just my opinion and you will certainly get other ideas. :)

[rootbeerbrown]

I've always avoided stylists when growing out [and also just because it's not my habit to go regularly] thinking ...stylists cut hair. It's what they DO...if you go in you will come out with cut hair.

But ...people with longer hair have styles too. Doing something with the front isn't going to slow the growth in back. I'm sure if I went in with hair at my nape and said "My goal is to grow my hair to my calves can you help me?!" that s/he might try to pursuade me that I "shouldn't" for some reason or other [even thought that is just terrible customer service darn it!] but saying that you want it longer than it currently IS and want something done with the front doesn't usually result in losing inches .

The reason I'm trying this and I sincerely hope I'm not rationalizing is that I've TRIED just not cutting and buying pins and not washing and the result was that MOST of the time my hair didn't look very flattering in my own estimation [the one that really matters].

Hmmm...now that I'm thinking out loud I may have some insight into that impulse. I've been looking at the time between short and long as a necessary evil. Like I *have* to go through this in order to reach my goal and THEN [I]maybe I'll like it enough for it to all have been worth it.

Virtually none of the truly long haired individuals whose posts and stories I have been looking up got from point A to point B that way. MOST of them did what was comfortable to a certain length and THEN adopted the more protective behaviors resulting in a certain secondary goal of hemline quality.

I'm not attempting to pursuade anyone [including myself] that a high maintainance very stylized "do" is the way to get long hair...just saying maybe I've been wrong headed about how to get MYSELF where I want to go. There's a lot of ground between "Nothing" and "Everything I can think of" in terms of what we do with our hair.

Well...if I'm wrong at least I'm no worse off than I am right now. Has anyone had any success with this?

[Athena's Owl]

here's what I know--

i got a bob cut to even out my hair in 1995, and let ti grow to shoulder length without getting it cut.

when it got to APL, in 2000, i decided i needed a trim and i walked out with shoulder length hair.

so i didn't have it cut until 2005 it was close to bsl, and i decided I needed a trim. and I walked out with armpit length hair.

I haven't been to a stylist, quit using relaxers, stopped heat styling, changed my washing technique, and put my hair up in buns, and four years later it's down to my tailbone. i'm int the process of trimming a half inch off a month until i like my ends.

you have to decide what you want. do you want long hair, or do you want haircuts, heat styling, hair colour, chemical texture changes? what do you want more? because you can want long hair and you can defeat yourself by doing things that do not add up to long hair.

but you can also have long hair as fast as you can get it or you can compromise. I *did* get longer heair between those visits to the salon. it ended up longer than the last time ihad it cut. it was just always far far shorter than I wanted it to be cut.

[Islandgrrl]

Here's what I think...

You can't have long hair if you keep cutting it. At some point you have to just decide to leave it alone if, in fact, you really truly want long hair. There will be awkward stages...the expected ones and unexpected ones, too.

It's much easier to deal with the process of going from bob to knee if you set mini-goals or milestones for yourself. I had knee-length hair at one time, and cut to pixie (stupid, yeah, I know). If I thought about getting back to knee every time I looked at my hair, I'd never have decided to grow it again. It's too much. But I set manageable goals for myself. APL, growing out my bangs, BSL, waist, hip, etc..... If I consider the distance to, say, knee, it's even still kind of overwhelming. But if I consider the distance from hip to tailbone...well, I can envision that and see it as a reachable goal.

So commit, if it's what you want to do. Hang out here...we'll help you get past the rough spots!

[heidi w.]

I would say there's a couple things that may occur that may contribute to that impulse.

I think foremost is the problem of getting used to how we look with longer hair, and less of a 'style' in the sense of fashion. In a way, going long is to some extent going natural, and our sense of how we look this way has to come along with the new appearance we see in the mirror. Coupled with this might be people who comment in their own way, perhaps not even intending to be mean, but thinking it's ok for them to say something and this can also contribute to your interpretation of how the length looks on you -- how you're being viewed. IN this way, going more natural, takes a bit of building of courage and being willing to have a fuller sense of self of this is what makes me satisfied, this is what I want, despite or in spite of whatever others may say about it or think of me for it.

The second contributor to the impulse is that if you're growing any layers out, or bangs, that kind of thing, especially in a more styled or fashion sense, folks are coming from a lot of shorter bits combined with some longer bits usually -- meaning, that it gets to this point when the hair is REALLY annoying -- flopping in your face, won't stay back no matter what you've tried.......and there's this feeling of it physically is annoying, and combined with any parts of I don't like how I look right now....well, then, there it is. The interesting thing is that, usually, if you can wade through this period, this is usually precisely the point at which the transition to natural will relatively quickly (as in a number of months) be done with being overtly annoying and you can actually control the hair better. This is the turning point, bluntly stated. KNOW THAT.

The turning point is when the hair may look and behave most annoyingly, yet, if you make it through, the hair will become your friend, the length you want, more of the look that pleases you that you are aiming for, and so on. There's always a tipping point -- one can go back, or one can go forward. IF you choose one, you're not choosing the other. Plain and simple.

Then we here have what's known as the 2 WEEK RULE. If you FEEL like cutting, then wait 2 weeks. Most often, we don't then. Or if you do, you can do so with more clarity, such as, just a teensy trim, and know better than to visit a salon with a friend, for example.

Meanwhile, play with side parts. Find a few fun hair pins or clips to move hair out of the face. Headbands might be your friend for a while. Aloe Vera Gel is often used with success to hold some bits for the day.

Buy a silky smooth pillowcase, or make one to help you with you realize your goals.

It's all in the little things.

To be very, very honest, I absolutely do have days of thinking of cutting this length. I know plenty in the long hair world who have such thoughts. I am clear that if I ever do, it's my decision for my reasons, and that's good enough. But so far, I know I would just miss this length too much. BUT I am not overly happy with how I look in the mirror these days, but that has more to do with my weight than my hair at this point. That's something I plan to do something about in 2010. Already started.

heidi w.

[Amraann]

You are just going to have to really commit yourself to it mentally.
You can do it if you break the pattern.

I went through a phase like that when I was much younger.
Either I would cut it (and regret it later) or I would do something chemically to it and of course have to cut it to remove the damage.

Keeping it up is a great suggestion.

Also when I needed a change I would just do something different to my bangs which are fairly easy to grow out.

Maybe try wearing it differently when you get bored?

[rootbeerbrown]

What I currently have is short hair with self cut bangs that is uneven in the back and on the sides. The person who cut it in april used a razor so it's VERY uneven all through the length as well as being "stacked" in back.

I'd like long hair.possibly .with bangs or face framing layers....no dyes or heat styling [which I never use anyway] no chemical textural changes and I'd like to wash more often than once a week.

So I'm thinking short hair that is cut evenly with bangs which is washed every second or third day will be a good way to at least get TO my usual jumping off place. I can't speculate beyond that.

[Really I'd LOVE to be able to wash only once a week but my scalp would be in ruins. I've tried several times.]

I was reading that elle washes about every other day or every two.[..granted her hair looks like it could withstand a nuclear blast.]using common ordinary products as do several others in the VERY long hair club. I'd go with a scalp wash but my hair isn't currently long enough and there does seem to be some disagreement about moisture etc. I assume water in the local and hairtype etc come into play there..

I'd like it to be trimmed often enough to be even and have a discernable hemline.

Things that have happened in stylist chairs that I have been frustrated with are :

1 Losing more length than I wanted.

Obvioiusly "take off 1/2 inch" does not mean 41/2 inches and I'd need to be assertive about that. Never has someone cut my hair without my knowledge that they were doing it. I just sat passively when I knew I should have spoken up.

2 Using techniques I didn't want. Things like razoring that [imo] look nice for about a minute before they are jagged fly aways or rough combing. Again none of these things happened while I was in a coma. I knew I didn't like what was being done but I held my tongue.

[feralnature]

Good points.

I used to wear cute hairstyles and stay up with all that...back in the 80s. And yes, long hair does not give one that exact tailored look that so many of the new chic styles deliver. BUT long hair is natural and sexy and sensual and relaxed. It is a long, luxurious main. It does not hide or alter the flaws in the shape of your face. It shows the real you. You pull back your hair when it is long and wear it up or in a ponytail, making your face feel almost naked to the world. This may be why so many want bangs (fringe)..to cover up or hide behind (not all). So I understand the need to keep going to a stylist to do something to the "front". But long hair implies being yourself and acknowledging who you are. It may not occur spontaneously. It is something we may have to grow into. It is acceptance.

[heidi w.]

What I currently have is short hair with self cut bangs that is uneven in the back and on the sides. The person who cut it in april used a razor so it's VERY uneven all through the length as well as being "stacked" in back.

I'd like long hair.possibly .with bangs or face framing layers....no dyes or heat styling [which I never use anyway] no chemical textural changes and I'd like to wash more often than once a week.

So I'm thinking short hair that is cut evenly with bangs which is washed every second or third day will be a good way to at least get TO my usual jumping off place. I can't speculate beyond that.

[Really I'd LOVE to be able to wash only once a week but my scalp would be in ruins. I've tried several times.]

I was reading that elle washes about every other day or every two.[..granted her hair looks like it could withstand a nuclear blast.]using common ordinary products as do several others in the VERY long hair club. I'd go with a scalp wash but my hair isn't currently long enough and there does seem to be some disagreement about moisture etc. I assume water in the local and hairtype etc come into play there..

I'd like it to be trimmed often enough to be even and have a discernable hemline.

Things that have happened in stylist chairs that I have been frustrated with are :

1 Losing more length than I wanted.

Obvioiusly "take off 1/2 inch" does not mean 41/2 inches and I'd need to be assertive about that. Never has someone cut my hair without my knowledge that they were doing it. I just sat passively when I knew I should have spoken up.

2 Using techniques I didn't want. Things like razoring that [imo] look nice for about a minute before they are jagged fly aways or rough combing. Again none of these things happened while I was in a coma. I knew I didn't like what was being done but I held my tongue.

Growing out hair for any reason takes TIME. No way around that. Hair grows 1/2 inch per month, on average, give or take (growth spurts and health issues and age/hormones/genetics aside).

It's only been, what, 8 months since this past April. You have at least another year or so to go. If hair has been razored, this means that the cuticle was compromised, which adds to your problems.

You can opt to at some point trim everything to fairly even now, OR do this in phases over time. For example, interview before ever sitting in a chair a potential stylist with whom you plan to build a rapport with and be up front and very clear about your hair length goals, and ideas such as well, we need to grow these layers out, so sometimes I'm going to come in for a trim of the very longest bits, and the teeensiest weeeeensiest of trims on some layers if they've grown out. ETA: MAKE SURE that the stylist you choose to work with is on board with your plan. Otherwise, you'll have problems and conflicts. Interview first to establish that rapport and get a feel for who this person is. Their clientele, their attitudes about long hair very much do matter to you. There are wonderful stylists out there. It's your job to find that person who 'get me'. END ETA

There's no point in kicking yourself in the derriere over the past. You know what to change now, so fix that. And that's it. It's important to learn to spend time on things that will help us make the progress we look for and to support ourselves. You can't undo the past. It's a done deal. It's gone. (I just finished talking to a friend who is in process of getting a divorce and is dealing with her soon-to-be-X and she declares one of her issues is that he brings up stuff from the past. I responded, "Yeah, right, you can't get 1979 back. It's all done and over." Same idea. Whatever you did in the past, even in April, it's done. It is what it is. So start from where you are, and make your plan and go with that. (You can always tweak a plan as you go along.)

There's no one right way to get to long hair, other than, just don't cut it all off. That's pretty much it. The baseline rule. The most common question I receive about my length is, "What do you do that your hair grows so long?" Without batting an eyelash, I make my point, "I don't cut it." It's that simple. I just really, really wanted this and went through all the hassle. And I began with, well, think Princess Di hair...colored, blow dried daily, product land, -- although I will say it looked really good, very healthy because I had a GREAT stylist!!! -- who by the way also taught me about how to care for long hair.

For trims. Never ask for a vague trim. Tell them how much. Bring a measuring tape and measure before and after. This keeps people REALLY honest. Measure dry, and most trims should be dry for your goals. They can spritz the hair to wet it but to completely wash it isn't necessary. You can go in with freshly washed hair.
Wear a collared shirt, or a horizontally striped shirt to say, not above this line! (Measuring is done from the forehead hairline, at center, over the head and down the back, just FYI.)

The scalp. If you need to wash a bit more frequently, that's your body. OK then. If you can or cannot condition the scalp skin and this does or does not contribute to a scalp skin that has issues, or is more greasy, or whatever, then it is what it is. Accept it, do what you need to do and move on. It doesn't matter what works for others quite so much as it matters what works for you. AND try to find a 'hair twin' someone who has hair like you do and then think about using their routine, or doing their routine with a twist that works for you.

No one EVER asks me about products I use or whatever, they just like the length. As with many things, it doesn't always matter HOW you get there, just that you get the results. (I learned this in music......the conductor doesn't care what type of embouchure I have. The conductor only cares that I cover my lines and notes and do the part accurately. Otherwise, they don't care much about the how. A lot of life is like that.) SO if your how needs to be WZN, ok, that's what it is.

You have to work with where you are now. What you do today is how you get to tomorrow. Tomorrow happens because of all the today's meanwhile. SO if you want a blunt trim with bangs, and wash the bangs portion more frequently, then go for it.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful to you,
heidi w.

[rootbeerbrown]

I think the satin pillowcase is a great idea. I hate how roughed up my hair is in the morning.

I also agree with you Heidi that being unhappy IN GENERAL with your appearance is likely to result in cutting hair. It never works because it isn't USUALLY the HAIR that causes me to dislike what I'm seeing.

The last time I cut I had reached that awkward phase and my old styles weren't working anymore because of the uneveness from the cut I was outgrowing then. Bits that fall out and scraggly hemline etc. It was coming to that point where I wasn't happy with it up or down.

The majority [actually on second glance it looks like it might be unanimous] seem to say that the best and only way from neck to waist is to not touch it in the meantime. I'm past a decade of failure using that model despite my absolute sincere intentions and loooooooong successes. I was going 2 or 3 years without so much as a trim trying to get over that hump before becoming depressed that "long hair just doesn't seem to look good on me" and going back to the same cliche bob I never wanted or enjoyed.

So I'm going to step out and try something new. Rather than benign neglect I'm going to aim for deliberate order and give myself permission to maintain enough "style' [what I described was pretty minimal and not terribly damaging imo] to feel like I'm meeting my own standards to feel GOOD about my level of self care and hygeine.

Yes, I feel a plan emerging. Possibly a blog as well. There should be pics for this experiment whether it suceeds or fails. For posterity.

Hmm...

[heidi w.]

Rootbeerbrown, Obviously when the hair lengthens, old styles cease to be as easy to do for a variety of reasons.

Believe it or not, when you gain length, and then gain more length, the weight in an updo is going to shift, or the more length you'll have to re-work your french twist. It's not as though you arrive, and all is well forever afterward.

Allow me to share one reason why I grew this length. Besides just always wanting long hair, I just kinda wanted to see how far I'd get. I mean, I thought, I want hair to my feet, to my ankle zone, but I wasn't sure it would really get there, so I thought that, well, let's just see how far I CAN get. And one reason I thought that was because there's a lot of stuff that happens in life where something we might want may not or can not occur, so when we have the chance, especially on something relatively simple, to try for something we just might like, then, well, why not. PLUS life happens and we never really know when that opportunity may no longer be available to us. For example, I am about to turn 50 (next spring), and if I were to contract a kind of cancer that meant I'd lose my length, well, then, if I make it through cancer at my age, growing this length back may no longer be possible.

SO have what you can achieve meanwhile since life has lots of turns and curves. On the easy stuff, particularly, just give it the ole college try and see what happens. For me, the best part of growing this length has been the amazing people I've met, the wonderful projects I've been able to work on, and just this general sense of community. I've been allowed a view into a side of the world that many never get to experience. This length has been an improvement to my life, in more than just having some X number of inches on my head.

I hope that helps you to frame some more how to think of this journey. And it IS a journey.

heidi w.

[rootbeerbrown]

The majority [actually on second glance it looks like it might be unanimous] seem to say that the best and only way from neck to waist is to not touch it in the meantime.



BTW...just to be sure I'm not offending anyone I'm going to clarify that I meant this as an exaggerration not a stab at contentious dialogue.

[heidi w.]

The way I achieved my length, for the most part, was learning a few basic techniques, take them seriously, such as using a wide tooth comb, not a brush; oiling length; keep the scalp skin fairly clean......and otherwise, just let it grow, let it be.

I think you can definitely do the hemline plan you were thinking of and then otherwise leave it be, meanwhile, working on some techniques, such as patting hair dry and not rubbing hair dry -- or not piling hair up when washing it and instead focus on a massage of the scalp skin for washing, or thinking about installing a shower head filter to improve water quality.

These are the things that you can focus on for improving your hair. Because it's no one technique, no one thing that one does that gets you there. It's the combination of a lot of little things, little details, combined with generally not overly fussing with your hair.

One reason I wear it up is so that I don't have to detangle this fine yet lots of it hair about 10 times a day! That alone would increase damage.

Get a doll and learn how to braid. Get prepared for the length.

That kind of thing.

heidi w.

[feralnature]

I quit fussing so much with mine and it grew. I let it be. All of a sudden it was long. I will get an updated pic posted soon, it is longer now than my siggy and looks strangely in better shape with no trim.

I don't like short hair because it makes me feel like a man when I'm in the buff. I had very long hair as a girl and my soul has long hair.

So no more short hair for the rest of my life unless, I too, get an illness forcing me to lose my hair. That would be another hair journey.

[spidermom]

Learn one or two up-styles that you can do very fast and without looking. Then get on with your day. Try to keep your mind out of your hair.

[julliams]

Re-read your post every time you get the urge to cut. Think about what the cut is achieving - it's actually stopping you from getting to your goal. Is what you really want some time to yourself to be pampered? Go to the salon (if you must) and book in for a treatment if that will help. I personally do them at home using the SMT recipe and I find that once I have pampered my hair a little the urge to change my hair goes away.

I have just recently started taking photos once a month of my hair as it grows. I found a striped shirt (which I had to turn inside out to get the stripe pattern as it isn't striped on the outside) and I take a photo each month from the back with my hair out and shirt on. Then I mark with a pin where the growth is and this is great because when I go to get the shirt out between months, I can see that I'm already making progress by the position of the pin.

If you focus on the goal you will find it easier to get there. In the past I pampered myself by going and getting a haircut which I did every six months. I noticed that I pretty much had the same hairstyle for about 3 years and this was why. It kind of annoyed me that I had spent so much to end up looking exactly the same and all that growing ended up on the floor. Now I'm becomming aware of my growth rate and appreciating my hair. I'm also learning what makes it wavy and what actually helps bring the curl out for me.

My pitfall is that whilst I used to use a straightener on my hair weekly and have now stopped, if I have to out for a special evening I seem to resort to heat again. Having said this, I have ony used heat twice since September so that's way better than what I was doing before.

Juliette

[LaurelSpring]

I went through this for years. The ONLY thing that got me over the hump was NO Trims! Join or start the No Trims in 2010 thread and just hang in there no matter what.

[rootbeerbrown]

But Heidi I don't want a journey. I want the whole thing finished to my exact liking RIGHT NOW.

I know it's a journey but so far it's not been a journey I enjoy the [I]minutes of. These minutes are measuring in years.I also don't enjoy the minutes of short hair as well as not finding it ascetically appealing. I did enjoy having reasonably long hair [waist length] but that was a long time ago. I have given..if not serious then at least semi-serious... consideration to buying a wig so that I can content myself with the long hair styles that I love while my own makes the journey in as they say benign neglect.

What stops me is some concerns that it might not be good for the health of my scalp or my hair to have that rubbing on it day after day etc and so forth. If I believed it was a viable option I'd do it.

I don't think I will ever be successfull if I believe that I also have to be uncompromising. It reminds me of a fellow whose blog I read. He was morbidly obese and was losing weight in the tripple digits. He said his own perfectionism was one of the biggest stumbling blocks he ever had to overcome. Someone would gasp and say "You are using artificial sweetener in your tea?! Don't you know that's BAD for you?!" and he'd be hamstrung. Frozen. Finally he had to make some priorities. He said...when I am no longer in danger of dying in the immediate future from my obesity I may reconsider the artificial sweetener and may ultimately reject it...but I have to live through TODAY first.

At the risk of being a bit melodramatic because my LIFE is certainly not in danger I remember vividly sitting at age 21 and being determined to grow out to my desired length while thinking about the passage of time. Well...I never made it. Now I'm 31 and still determined but I'm seeing time differently than I used to. I will have to spend a large majority of my 30's getting TO the lengths I really admire so I can enjoy them in my forties and beyond. The time is going to pass whether I meet my goals or not.

I think PART OF accepting myself is acknowledging that I can be prone to self defeating perfectionism and that perfectionism can give me a bit of myopic vision. I want long hair...in fact I want VERY long hair...but I know myself well enough now to recognise that if I try to do it perfectly I will make myself so miserable and uncomfortable in the process that I will be forced to ultimately conclude that MY version of long hair pursuit is not worth what it is costing me daily.

I've not seen anyone who truly reached their goals say "Well sure my scalp itches and I'm less clean than I'm really happy about and I'm ackwardly greasy and/or poorly styled for social events but it's long!" Mostly what I see is people being successful BECAUSE they have found a comfortable niche through various methods where they can be reasonably happy over a long period of time.

[heidi w.]

Happiness is determined from within, no matter what's going on on the outside.

Unfortunately, hair is not one of those instance gratification situations--at least acquired length isn't.

I decided a long time ago to aim for at least a kind of baseline contentedness in life, if not downright happy. This way I'm always dribbling the ball around this baseline. I can truly say that for the most part, I've had it pretty good, and there've been pockets of truly awful, but I overcame because I kept walking in the direction I wanted my life to be about, and what I wanted to stand for.

One way to get instant length is to consider a wig! (Not human hair though, I'd say.)

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

But Heidi [insert whine] I don't want a journey. I want the whole thing finished to my exact liking RIGHT NOW.

(underscore added by heidi w. to include the emphasis along with those capital letters!)


Don't we all!

Haaahahaaaheheeee.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Perfectionism, if you ask me, is a form of self-sabotage.


heidi w.

[rootbeerbrown]

I heartily agree but we perfectionists are a screwy lot. To get away from perfection we seek to be perfectly moderate...lol.

If we don't get ya coming we'll get ya going!

[rootbeerbrown]

Is there a post number requirement to start a hair diary? I was poking around trying to start one but the language was unclear [to me anyway]

[Spike]

But Heidi [insert whine] I don't want a journey. I want the whole thing finished to my exact liking RIGHT NOW.

Oh, this is so perfect. To me, this sums up the whole screwy human condition. :D



I don't think I will ever be successfull if I believe that I also have to be uncompromising.

< nods >



I think PART OF accepting myself is acknowledging that I can be prone to self defeating perfectionism and that perfectionism can give me a bit of myopic vision. I want long hair...in fact I want VERY long hair...but I know myself well enough now to recognise that if I try to do it perfectly I will make myself so miserable and uncomfortable in the process that I will be forced to ultimately conclude that MY version of long hair pursuit is not worth what it is costing me daily.

I've not seen anyone who truly reached their goals say "Well sure my scalp itches and I'm less clean than I'm really happy about and I'm ackwardly greasy and/or poorly styled for social events but it's long!" Mostly what I see is people being successful BECAUSE they have found a comfortable niche through various methods where they can be reasonably happy over a long period of time.

And here you've hit it on the head. You find your scalp is itchy and you feel mentally uncomfortable if you don't wash at least 3 times a week? Honey, go wash your hair!

By LHC standards, I "wash" my hair at least once a day. My wave pattern looks best when freshly wetted, so I get my hair wet in the morning shower. EVERY MORNING. I CWC with cleanser three times a week and oil wet on the off days--because this works for me. My hair is soft, shiny, and the individual strands are thicker (yay thicker!) :cheese:

This forum is really useful for finding ideas to then try on your own personal head and see what works. If it doesn't work for you, then no big deal--try something else. No one is going to throw you off the board because your haircare routine isn't < something > enough.

Happy growing! :):)

[pinchbeck]

http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=39085

Above is a link on here that may help you figure out why you cut and perhaps how to stop it. It seems there are more members than I imagined who are in the same position as yourself. I, too am a hair cutter and can't seem to allow my hair to grow longer than mid-back.

PS: I don't know how to make a link smaller like some people do. For example, a member will include a link that looks like this: Read this link for further information. As you can see 'this link' will be light blue and underlined (the blue underline does not show up here because this isn't an actual link). It looks so much better than the big URL I pasted here!

[Heavenly Locks]

Pinchbeck -

To get that little link that you commented about is pretty simple. Let me show you how :)

First you have to have the www.whateverblahblah.com address .... (I open another tab for this)

then you come here and highlight the word you want as the link. (maybe the word 'word')

next, click the button at the top of the text box that looks like two links of chain, it is the 6th button from the left. A pop up box will appear where you will need to paste the web address that you want to send us to. Click ok, and then finish your post.

If you do all that, you'll get a cute link, like [THIS] (http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/funny-pictures-cat-is-in-your-hair-and-is-splitting-your-ends.jpg) :)

[spidermom]

By the way, I don't think I could have gotten this long without regular trims along the way. I have an awesome stylist who only trims enough to maintain my chosen U-shape. I feel that hair grown without trimming looks too straggly and unkempt for me personally; I like order. So if you like to have your hair done, rather than cuts, have small trims. They can make a world of difference in how you feel about your hair.

[DarkChocolate]

Heidi, I know how you are feeling with being impatient about your hair. It actually takes twice as long for my hair to look good with blunt ends rather than just an icicle down the middle. I look at pictures from when my hair was all blunt ends and very nice and it raises my anxiety level. The fact that my hair was cut to shoulder length 3 years ago without my consent also brings me down.

The ends are catching up now. My hair is as soft and light as silk. I love sharing my journey but sometimes it is hard for me to get a good enough picture because the fine silky strands don't show up alot of times and I have to get the sun to hit it just right. I will not have to worry about this once the sides have caught up.

Like was stated above it takes a very long time to grow hair!

I agree that if self-esteem comes from the inside and cannot be a result of having your ideal hair because that would equal 3 years of misery for me.

[Islandgrrl]

At the risk of being a bit melodramatic because my LIFE is certainly not in danger I remember vividly sitting at age 21 and being determined to grow out to my desired length while thinking about the passage of time. Well...I never made it. Now I'm 31 and still determined but I'm seeing time differently than I used to. I will have to spend a large majority of my 30's getting TO the lengths I really admire so I can enjoy them in my forties and beyond. The time is going to pass whether I meet my goals or not.

The thought of spending most of your 30's getting TO the lengths you want so you can then begin to enjoy them sort of baffles me. I sense in there an undercurrent of "I won't be satisfied or happy with my hair until I reach a specific and distant goal." If this isn't the case, correct me, please!

I think in order to be successful in resisting the urge to cut, you have to make a decision to be satisfied with your hair every day. Because reasonably, you can't hurry the process along. It's going to take the time it takes. And why should you be dissatisfied with your hair, literally for years? Are you going to wake up one day and say, "Hm, it's long enough now. I can be happy with it?" You could be MORE satisfied with it when that day comes, perhaps, but be satisfied with it now and enjoy the journey. :)

[spidermom]

Islandgrrl has a very good point. It's very important to love your hair now because if you don't, you are far more likely to have a fit of pique and lop it all off. There are a lot of styles that you can do at shorter lengths that you'll lose as your hair gets longer, so enjoy them while you can.

[hmmm]

Maybe it would help you to not think about your hair for a while? Concentrate on other things, tell yourself you don't have money or are too busy to get a haircut. Put it up, get off LHC :p, busy yourself with things that you love doing. In a couple of months you may find that you've made a lot of progress.

[LaurelSpring]

I have so been there! The only thing that got me past bsl was sheer determination that I wanted long hair more than I wanted a "style". In a similar thread someone mentioned that you have to develop long hair mentality. I think that was pretty true. It wasnt until I really started thinking like a real long hair that I have been able to become one. Its been a different mind set for me. When I get a case of the frumpies I just set my hair and enjoy how beautiful it is and I wouldnt trade it for any old tired style that will bore me by the next day.

[marobader]

forget about your hair for time so you will make progrees you will be happy so will not have the courage to even tirm not cut

[ap1524]

I know how difficult it is and I've been there - we all have. One of the things you might want to consider is experimenting with some hats - try to develop a new style that's not centered around your hair (I know - difficult) and operate in that mode for awhile. Come back to it in two months and you may be rewarded! My sympathies for your struggles in any event.

[Bellona]

I've been there so many times. My hair was almost waist length, but I started to get the itch to cut. Then I started looking around at shorter styles on the internet, in magazines, etc. So I decided on a cut, and did it. IT. LOOKED. TERRIBLE. The stylist didn't do that great of a job, but I think for the most part it just didn't suit me at all. I looked at pictures and realized that even though my hair was fried and bleached and still had remnants of old brown/red dye in it, it still looked better long. I usually loved the short styles I got, but after seeing that length on me and experiencing how EASY it was to care for, I really don't want to cut again. I've been growing it now for 5 months, am in an awkward stage currently, and haven't even gotten the urge to cut my bangs, let alone the length. I never want to cry over a bad haircut again.

I wish I had found some updos that I liked and looked good on me back then, too. I would have probably been less likely to cut if it was just up and out of the way. Paint your nails different colors, cut bangs, buy hairtoys or new conditioner or some new clothes with the money you save from the salon! I've been putting aside the $100 it took every 4 months to cut/dye my hair.

Sometimes all it takes is a bad haircut, or at least the uneasiness that the next cut could be a bad one. Good luck. :p