Bothered by friend's hair comment

[hazelnut]

It's probably best to start from the beginning. Last night my friend called me to ask me some questions in regards to school work and somehow during the course of the conversation we got onto the topic of hair. Sometimes talking about hair can be a pretty sore topic for me because my hair isn't quite...... there yet. It's damaged and just a mess. But anyways, we ended up on the subtopic of African American hair. And we start talking about it for awhile and everything is fine until my friend suddenly starts saying some negative things about African American hair like, "I hate touching their hair because it always looks so greasy and nasty." I try to tell her that African American hair can sometimes be a challenge to take care of but we do the best we can with what God gave us. And then she says something that just swings the topic into a whole other direction: she says, "that's why I would never marry a black man. If I had children with him, I'd have to deal with that hair." I was stunned. She said it like Black hair was some kind of disease. She then proceeds to say, "to bad you aren't Asian. Then you'd be able to do more with your hair. I feel sorry for you guys."

Now I am African American, Caucasian, and a little bit Native American. I've come to appreciate all races, ethnicities, and all different types of hair. So hearing this from my "friend" was completely baffling. Am I overreacting? How do I deal with this?

[jera]

It's probably best to start from the beginning. Last night my friend called me to ask me some questions in regards to school work and somehow during the course of the conversation we got onto the topic of hair. Sometimes talking about hair can be a pretty sore topic for me because my hair isn't quite...... there yet. It's damaged and just a mess. But anyways, we ended up on the subtopic of African American hair. And we start talking about it for awhile and everything is fine until my friend suddenly starts saying some negative things about African American hair like, "I hate touching their hair because it always looks so greasy and nasty." I try to tell her that African American hair can sometimes be a challenge to take care of but we do the best we can with what God gave us. And then she says something that just swings the topic into a whole other direction: she says, "that's why I would never marry a black man. If I had children with him, I'd have to deal with that hair." I was stunned. She said it like Black hair was some kind of disease. She then proceeds to say, "to bad you aren't Asian. Then you'd be able to do more with your hair. I feel sorry for you guys."

Now I am African American, Caucasian, and a little bit Native American. I've come to appreciate all races, ethnicities, and all different types of hair. So hearing this from my "friend" was completely baffling. Am I overreacting? How do I deal with this?

OMG what an ignorant thing to say. I'm speechless at her tacklessness. :(

[Themyst]

Agreed. You have a tacky 'friend' there.:nono: I'd be careful with her.

[Lamb]

Sounds to me like a spectacularly bad case of :foot: . Ignore, you can't fix stupid.

[LisaB234]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I think those comments are incredibly racist and rude. If someone were to say something like that to me I think I would have to tell them that it was very hurtful - my hair and race are not only something that I'm proud of, but something that I can't change. Depending on the reaction, I may be crossing that person off of my friends list.

On a related note, one of my friends has bi-racial children and her little girl has the most adorable 3B/C curls that are naturally deep brown with medium brown highlights - truly the most beautiful head of hair I've ever seen (yes, I have curl envy). . .

[*Aoife*]

What a horrible thing to say!
I don't think I could stay friends with someone who was that horrible (and mean and ignorant).

[bttrfly857]

I think it's more the racism that's offense than just a "hair comment" per se.

[enfys]

No wonder you're bothered.

There's nice ways to say it. If she meant "if I had a mixed race child I'd struggle so much to care for their hair because the texture would be so different to what I'm used to" that'd be fine. Filtering who you fall in love with incase you have kids who don't look as you please? Argh.

To effectively say "pity you aren't another race" is pretty shocking to say the least.

I have never thought Afro hair looked greasy. I usually find it looks dry or shiny, but not clumped and icky like Caucasian hair gets when it's greasy.

I don't think I've ever heard of someone saying they don't want to touch Afro hair. I always want to. It's fascinating if you're used to straight hair. Why does she have to touch it anyway, if she doesn't like to?

Shocking way to speak to a friend.

[amaiaisabella]

Umm... I would have responded, "You DO remember I'm part African American, don't you?" :D

[motormuffin]

On the plus side...at least she feels that she can be honest with you. I'm just trying to find some good in it...

[jasper]

You aren't over-reacting. How to deal with it depends on how much you care for/ about this friend. I mean, you could explain to her why her remarks were really offensive and try to get her to understand what was wrong about what she said. If it's not worth that much effort, you could just avoid the topic or just avoid her in the future.

Sometimes it's really hard to get a friend to understand what is racist about their opinions or statements and you might have to decide if you can stay friends or not when you don't see things the same way.

.

[Tinose]

Honestly, if I were you, I'd ditch this friend or at very least tell her what she said was racist and completely unacceptable. She sounds like a friend you'd be better off without.

[spidermom]

If it were me, I'd be offended, and I'm not even of the hair type she was criticizing.

I have a black friend and offered to braid her hair in the past, but she told me that she didn't think I'd like it much because she had a lot of oil in it. It really wouldn't have bothered me, though.

[Islandgrrl]

Wow. :bigeyes: That's really something.

I find it difficult to believe that in the 21st century someone could really be that ignorant, and that they would so willingly spew forth that ignorance. I mean, is this person really so oblivious that she would think that what she said is somehow okay? Boggles the mind.

Sometimes those of us who are the "privileged" recipients of such garbage are left utterly speechless. It's not until later that you think of all the really brilliant things you could have said to a) educate the person, or b) rip them a new one. At least that's my experience.

Does this person really, truly, deserve you as a friend? My guess is no.

[flapjack]

It's one thing to have preferences for hair types and other things. It's another thing entirely to 1) make racist assumptions about it (a lot of people of non-African descent also have hair like that and there are people of African descent who do not have hair like that... apparently she doesn't know this basic fact) and 2) to be so tactless and thoughtless by saying it to your own friend, who you've lumped into that category.


Your friend is not only dumb, but she's a jerk.

[Spring]

Umm... I would have responded, "You DO remember I'm part African American, don't you?" :D

Completely agree here.

Hazelnut, I can't believe she would say this to you without thinking she's not offending you. I agree with someone earlier who said you might want to talk to her about this, and if she is truly worth having as a friend she should already be feeling pretty crummy about her comments....

[myrrhmaiden]

I think you should set her straight. Tell her that sort of ignorance is not acceptable. I'd also disassociate with her. That level of thoughtlessness likely isn't restricted to hair preferences. Someone who talks that way betrays much about their inner character.

[Xandergrammy]

Ugh. I'm so sorry you had to deal with her ignorance.

[nueinsel]

No, you're not over-reacting. What a dreadful, not to mention ridiculous, thing to say!

[Carolyn]

Umm... I would have responded, "You DO remember I'm part African American, don't you?" :DI agree with this. What she said was unbelievably thoughtless and very tacky. Perhaps if you could remind her of your heritage, maybe you could get her to think about the impact of what she said to you.

[Nae]

We are so blessed to have such wonderful diversity in this world. And we, at this forum, appreciate hair of every color and texture and recognize it's inherent beauty. I feel sorry for your friend because she doesn't appreciate differences or celebrate them in the way they ought to be celebrated. Sometimes people are thoughtless, I am sorry you had to deal with that.

[angelthadiva]

I'm going to share a little back story, so hopefully those who come after me don't throw tomatoes or stones...

I'm Hispanic mostly, but I do have Caucasian and Native American heritage. DH is African American mostly, but he's also Native American. I'd suspect he's about 1/4 Native American, but not completely certain. He and I have a daughter together. When I was pregnant, I heard several comments about the hair DD would end up having and people hoped she'd have "good hair" and if she didn't people hoped I'd be able to do her hair...Well, DD is gorgeous, she favors her dad in many ways, she has a light complexion, but tans well in the summer and she has my hair...

An older lady I considered a mentor of sorts went on a rant over the phone about "interracial" couples. I was so stunned to silence and let her go on and on. I won't repeat the hate she spewed, but I will say that it hurt me to the core that there are people like "that" in the world. A the time, we had a standing weekly meeting that after she said what she did I did not want to continue our meetings and was sick over how to get out of them without having to confront her ignorance. I'm assuming she came to her senses because she went years and years without making ANY kind of contact with me. When she finally did, it was DH she contacted about a business deal she wanted us to be part of. :nono:

I'm totally not making any excuses for your friend, but please let me offer this explanation. Sometimes people don't realize they have racist thoughts/views until they are confronted about them. That you two are friends, leads me to think that she does not necessarily view YOU in the same light as she does other AA's. This may be a stretch, but are you the ONE AA friend she has? You know, when people say, "I have black friends..." and they can name and count them on one hand, and most of the time one finger ;) That kills me when I hear people say that.

This might be a good time to mention that I'm finishing up my undergrad in social work. DH is an educated man with an advanced degree. To test a theory I had learned in school about racism, I asked DH if he knew how many races there were. There was a long pause, and he said he thought there were about 15. There is 1 race. The human race. Aside from skin color, facial features and hair texture we are ALL the same. Uniquely beautiful, however, society and years and years of ignorance, fear and racism has put all these thoughts into people's mind about something being better than something else...And the "others" or "those people" mentality.

My Pastor shared a story once about a sweet and gentle old man he knew who was Caucasian. The gentleman was up in age, but very kind especially to the children at church. He often took them fishing and had their families over for fish fries afterward. Well, Dewey referred to the AA children as "darkies" or "brownies". Dewey meant it as a term of endearment; but Pastor conveyed the unintentional racial overtones to Dewey and he felt horrible, he had no idea that what he had been calling kids was offensive until it was pointed out. The words certainly did not reflect where his heart was.

My advice is not to end the friendship. At least not yet. If I were you, I'd invite her out for coffee or something...Not alcohol though. And have a sincere heart to heart with her. Use "I" statements. Try to stay away from "you" statements...Something like, "I've noticed that when we get talking about hair it tends to go in a direction where I feel like my ethnicity is being attacked. I appreciate you, and your view, but please be respectful of me and mine...I don't feel like you are saying things to be malicious or overtly racist, but some of the things you say could be viewed that way, and if I didn't know you better, I would wonder." I would also tell her that you are proud of your heritage (I'm hoping and assuming you are)...If that doesn't work, go all James Brown on her and start singing, "Say it Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud". ;) :flowers:

[OleanderTime]

Wow, that isn't just insensitive. That is straight up racist. :( It hurts so badly to hear these things from people you want to believe are on your side. I don't want to compare identities like race and sexuality, clearly they are different experiences, but I have occasionally experienced this in regards to being a lesbian and really caring about people who either don't know or don't accept it (I grew up Catholic, if that helps paint a clearer picture). It's so hard.

I don't believe it's your job to "teach" her. That would be an unfair burden. Just because you are a "minority" doesn't saddle you with the burden of educating other people. That's her job. But. If you wanted to, I know this could be a life-changing opportunity for her to realize how problematic and destructive her way of thinking (or at the very least, communicating her ideas) can be.

Fortunately, there are a lot of awesome black women writers who talk about standards of beauty in American (and Western) culture and race. This body of literature ranges from the seriously academic, to the deeply personal, to the comedic cultural commentary. The first thing I think of (which is not the greatest example, perhaps, because I read that he stole the idea from an independent woman filmmaker), but I recently saw Chris Rock's "Good Hair" in the theater, and it was really good. Maybe you and your friend could rent it, have some snacks, and maybe talk a little about the issues it brings up. Good luck to you!

[klcqtee]

I can see who you'd be bothered, and you have every right to be. But...I suffer chronically from foot in mouth disease. I often say back handed comments that I don't mean as rude, but I really just don't think my comments all the way through.

I once told a friend of mine "I wish I were black, I could totally pull off awesome dreadlocks, and I wouldn't sunburn as much!" She was really offended, and I couldn't understand why. Had I said something back about being African American? I like their hair...I don't think I said anything wrong. I finally just asked her what was bothering her, and she flew off the handle about how I didn't appreciate that being African American is not just about it looks, but that it a culture. Okay...didn't ever argue that fact.

I think that clearly your friend was being quite a bit more derogatory, but I don't think she meant that in a way to offend you. She just thoughtlessly mentioned it. I think all the time, "boy, am I glad my hair isn't as curly as her's/his!" because, regardless of race, curly hair is just hard to take care of! It's beautiful when it's well taken care of, but a lot of work.

If this is a one time comment, then I wouldn't worry about it. If she continues to make rude comments like this, I would talk to her and gently explain that you understand hse's not saying anything negative specifically about you, but you don't like that she generalizes that an entire race (a large portion of who you are, ethnically) has horrible hair, then she should please keep it to herself.

If this isn't a regular thing, I'd try not to take it to heart. I hope that things work out okay between you and your friend (however it does end) :grouphug:

[ole gray mare]

Out of curiosity, how did you respond in the moment?

Your friend said something really idiotic. My guess is that it's not the only topic she has idiotic thoughts about. It's up to you to decide if you think this friend is worth investing any amount of time in.

[Gvnagitlvgei]

Find a new "friend." To those who think she meant well, I guess one would have to be in OP's mocs to actually know what it's like to be belittled like that. Intentional or not, we are responsible for our realities and how we express our truths. We are personally responsible for the corner of the world we darken with our little horrors (forgive the pun). Sometimes our dream-time is warped and downright ugly. In her case and in the case of the older man who referred to AA children as "darkies," he never looked past his own comfort levels. I'd still find a new friend. You don't need to teach her anything, she has to learn it all herself and you don't need the drama. I know exactly how you feel. Being free from all that is wonderfully marvelous.

[CestMadeleine]

My jaw just dropped reading that...and I'm Caucasian.

Honestly I have about two views on this. I don't really know this girl to be able to judge her. Some people are racist and they know it and some like angelthadiva said don't know they're being racist and if they knew would never have said such things.

You really need to have a talk to her, she cannot keep saying things like these, it's incredibly rude. And to specifically point fingers towards African American hair? Most of the other heritages have very curly hair, like my father, who sported an afro for most of his youth.

This just reminds me of the documentary I saw called "Good Hair" about African American hair and trying to achieve straight hair. Every type of hair is good hair so be proud and slap your friend for me, tell her to knock it off.

As a side note, I'd love to have a cute afro. ^_^ My kid better have one seeing as my dad has really curly hair and so does DF. So hmm..we'll see!

[angelthadiva]

Although I don't think it's OP's "job" to school her friend; if she chooses not to confront her it is robbing her friend from the opportunity to grow as an individual.

I realize we live in a disposable society, but am a little surprised at how many people would throw a friendship away without at least confronting the person about the behavior, thoughts and attitude and see if there is a paradigm shift.

ETA: This is slightly off topic, but it speaks to confronting ignorant racist speak. Two years ago, in a Sociology class during a peer lead discussion on racism in America an older (than me) guy piped up and started dropping the "N" bomb. I was floored and VERY offended. I was one of three who were leading the discussion, but before I could say anything, the Prof (who was Caucasian) said that the student's racially offensive outburst would not be tolerated. The student's "defense" was that if AA people used it, he could too. He saw nothing wrong with using it, etc. Well, let me just say, he came to school, but he GOT schooled that night. I went on and on for about 20 minutes (uninterrupted) about all the reasons why what he thought was wrong on about 10 different levels. I was so PO, I couldn't tell you what ALL I said, but when I was done the class erupted in cheers and claps while he sat silent...Looking really stupid, I might add. My blood was still boiling (dang 3 hour classes)...He did chase me down after class to apologize.

[Keildra]

wow that's someone who obviously does not think before she speaks, and it was a very tacky statement for anyone and especially if she's supposed to be your friend

[camirra555]

That's terrible of her to say. It's people with those beliefs who perpetuate these ideals of beauty which lead so many black women to chemically straighten their hair because they think it's not beautiful the way it grows. There is a lot of "self hate" in the black community because of these ideals. I'm biracial and one of my black friends (who chemically straightens her hair) said that it's her dream to have curly hair and since she will never have it herself she is going to live it vicariously through her children. Hence she only dates men of East Indian or Caucasian descent. I think that's a silly way to choose your dates.

Yes it's hard for people who haven't ever dealt with AA hair to learn how to do it but there is no reason for her to make a comment like that. I'm not sure if any of you have ever seen this but it's something I saw earlier this year and found it to be quite touching. It shows that with will power you can learn how to do AA hair. It's about a white couple who adopt a little Ethiopian girl and the dad learns how to do her hair

http://projects.ajc.com/gallery/view/living/braids/1.html

[zule]

Thurgood Marshall, the Supreme Court Justice, once famously said, "I'm so tired of saving white people's souls."

What he meant was that being kind and trying to educate white people about what was wrong with the way they think, he had ended up spending his life doing it. And he didn't want to do it anymore. He was one of our most brilliant jurists, with a life of distinction, but he had had enough.

Have you had enough? Then let her teach herself. Just because you're multiracial doesn't give you the burden of saving anyone's soul. Look inside yours to find the answer to what you want to do. Then do it.

[Runzel]

If I were her, I'd want you to talk with me about how that made you feel. Whether "I" had done it intentionally or untintentionally, I would want it explained to me exactly what I had done that hurt you and why. Since that's the way I would want to be treated I would counsel you to do the same. Yes, it's a difficult thing to do, but in my opinion a friendship that's not worth fighting for isn't really a friendship at all.

I've personally experienced difficulty learning how to speak without causing offense. I've known of many who despise the term "African American" and prefer "black" instead, but then I've encountered others who are vehemently offended with the latter label and prefer the former. I'm genuinely willing to speak in whatever way is least offensive, I just need to know what that is! As a result of my experiences I'm now almost afraid to talk to or even about those of this enthenticity, not because I have anything against them but because I feel that no matter how lightly I tread on eggshells I end up saying something wrong and everyone throws up their hands in disgust. Of course there's also the problem of people wanting me not to walk on eggshells around them, which then results in even bigger mistakes...

I'm not trying to excuse what your friend said. I'm just saying it sounds like she could really use a friend like you who is willing to work with her on these things instead of abandoning her for this fault. Does she deserve a friend who sticks with her through this and works with her through this? Well...do any of us, for our respective faults? No, probably not. But it does have the potential, in one small way, to slowly change our world for the better.

Please let us know how the situation turns out!

[angelthadiva]

Runzel: :flowers: Bless your heart! I appreciate your transparency here and I have encountered such people as you've talked about...Not sure how to refer to them, to them...

DH and I have discussed such subjects in great length, and I admit that I use him as my measuring stick (at times), but he's not the end all, be all on such things. He insists that he's NOT AA, he's black :shrug: I prefer NOT to be referred to as a Latina/o :shrug: A lot of it is personal preference, if the opportunity presents itself, just ask them what they prefer. :flower:

[Leena7]

What a jerk! How can people make such ridiculous and racist generalizations, especially when talking to a friend? Anyways, I love natural African American hair, probably because I love curls but I have none...

[flapjack]

Zule- let's not single out one race for behaving that way, because they all do it. To say otherwise is a bold-faced lie.

[QueenMadge]

Ouch, at the least your friends comments were insensitive, at the most, well ethnically phobic seems appropriate to me.

I am a "white" woman. I say white because that is generally how most other people see me. Like many other people in the world I am a blend of different ethnic sources. I am half Portuguese. My father donated that part of my genetics. On my mom's side of the gene pool I have Cherokee/Choctaw, Welsh, English and rumors of, because "heaven forbid we talk openly about it":mad: African American. I think the phobia about admitting that is because my mom's side of the family is from the South originally and was class/color judgmental. There are some other odds and ends that may or may not be true. It is really not important (to me) at this point anyway. I am a genuine mutt, heinz-57.

I have a niece and nephews who are bi-racial. I have not talked with my nephew about it but I have asked my niece about specific terminology that is or isn't acceptable and what her experience has been like being "too black for white society, and not black enough" for black society, (her experience, not my terminology). It is a sketchy area for even the most well meaning people.


I hope if the friendship is important to you, that you take the time to talk to your friend about how her comments made you feel. She may not be aware of how her comments sound., she may just be thinking of her dislike of a particular hair type.

[curlylocks85]

Hazelnut, I do not think how you feel after her comments are wrong. If this had happened to me I would have let her say her peace, because we all have the right to our opinions, and then inform her of how her comments made me feel and ask her if what she truly thought of me. I would not be rude about it because that would just make things worse. I would want to know if a friendship would be possible. Some people here think that you should just move on, but we all have done things in our lives for which we are not proud of or may have hurt someone feeling’s or that were wrong. Nevertheless, someone somewhere, a mother, father, or a friend realized that we are not perfect and gave us a chance to redeem ourselves. We all deserve a second chance. I know that what your friend said does not sit with you right, so talk to her about it. Tell your friend how you feel and the type of friendship you wish to have with her, and then let her tell you how she feels and what she wants out of your friendship and remember, keep an open mind. We all know relationships, and this refers to friendships as well, take work. A great friend would at least try to keep the friendship in good standing. You will never know unless you try. Maybe understanding her point of view will give you some perspective. I wish you the best of luck. :)

[Crysta]

She just sounds abit, well i'd say ignorant rather than racist.

[Vic]

don`t think about your friend`s comment.
african hair can look awesome or terrible just like any other hair type.
you just need to take care of it and let me tell you, asian hair isn`t automatically
"great". my asian relatives say their hair`s boring since they say they can`t do
much with it... really straight, heavy and thick, can`t stick it up, can`t perm, no gel or mousse
is strong enough and so on...
it`s all a matter of taste imo.

[rach]

some people can be so close minded and what exactly is her opinion going to achieve exactly ?

all hair types can look bad, but equally all hair types when looked after right can look dam right gorgeous (as your signature shows) so just ignore her and shrug it off

:grouphug:

[Isadora Lewie]

I'd thank her for her honesty, but tell her that her remarks are offensive and racist.

Then if she doesn't take the criticism in, I'd probably have a think about whether I wanted to continue being friends with this person and lower my expectations of her at the least.

Some people are incompetent. That's difficult, but you can forgive them. This behaviour is offensive and colonialist and I'd make sure she knows that and gives you some evidence that she takes your criticism seriously. Not on.

[marzipanthecat]

What she said was remarkably rude. And also pretty ignorant. And racist.

It's horrible because it is hurtful to hear this sort of thing from a friend. I suspect she just wasn't thinking at all about you and just told you her thoughts. That really doesn't make it OK (I'm sick of spending my own life excusing crude and thoughtless behaviour by others!), but it might be an idea to talk to her calmly about this, and explain why it is just a rather awful bunch of stuff to say.

(Huh, I'm not so good at the "calm" bit myself any more, so probably I shouldn't be telling other people to be so sensible! But it's a nice idea...)

[Stormsong]

Without being there at the time and knowing how your friend normally is, I don't think anyone here can tell you whether it was a racist comment or not, that is something only you can do.

To me though, if she doesn't normally spout racist statements, then I'd just presume she was having a dumb/thoughtless moment. However, that doesn't mean you can't feel offended, but you needed to address it there and then if you were. To me, the statements she made, you could have replaced the hair type with 'fat', eg, she can't stand fat people, and she wouldn't marry an american because they tend to run to fat. My perspective on what you posted is that she probably didn't really think about the implications of what she was saying, she was just generalising that she can't deal with touching that hair type (as a personal preference, and we ALL have them) and therefore generalizing that she wouldn't marry into a group of people who have a higher degree of having that hairtype, and/or fathering that particular hairtype. But like I said, only you can really decide whether or not she just 'had the dumb' that day, or whether she is someone you'd rather avoid socially in the future because of her beliefs. If she just 'had the dumb', then challenge her at the time she makes the 'dumb' statements, otherwise, how will she know what she is saying isn't socially acceptable?

[SHELIAANN1969]

Wow, your friend sounds blatantly racist, the kind of people that say *One of my best friends is black/white/indian/muslim/asian..etc etc etc, all the while making the nasty comments that you described above.

I am not so sure I could be her friend after the things she said, saying people are *nasty* and that she feels *sorry* for them etc. What a strange thing to say.

I am sorry she's such a horses a$$, really, I am shocked, how OLD is she? She sounds 12, I am assuming she is at least 17/18, but good heavens, what a jerk!

:grouphug: I am so sorry she said things in that way, but be glad you know where she's coming from and what she actually thinks, at least you found out now and not 10 years down the road.

[zule]

Zule- let's not single out one race for behaving that way, because they all do it. To say otherwise is a bold-faced lie.I didn't single out white people. I quoted Thurgood Marshall. I didn't lie. My post was accurate. I have no idea how you read into my post what you did.

We're friendly here. We don't call what other people write a "bold-faced lie." Please word your posts more accurately and make them less normative. It opens up the discussion to do that, not shuts it down.

[halo_tightens]

I'm more worried about her thoughts, feelings, and ideals than her words. Sure, she could be made to understand that what she said was inappropriate, and she might stop saying such things to other people. But-- what about what's embedded in her heart?

I'm afraid that this could be just a small example of what's in there. Hair is a fairly harmless topic, unimportant (to most) in the grand scheme of things, so it sounds like she felt fairly free to express her feelings. Is it possible, though, that there are other, similar ideas that she holds but has already learned better than to express aloud?

Insensitivity is insensitivity, and I can easily see the possibility that she has these sorts of opinions about more than just hair...

[rchorr]

Ok, "friend" may be too strong of a word. I'm really sorry she can't see the beauty of African American hair! And, I have to say, bi-racial children have WONDERFUL hair!

I'm sorry she hurt you like that. It sounds like she forgot to put her brain in gear before running her mouth. Sigh.

RCHORR'

[pepperminttea]

I'm actually gobsmacked someone would be that ignorant. :disgust:

[kdaniels8811]

I am wondering if the comments didn't stem from envy. You are gorgeous, maybe she is jealous and the comments are stemming from that.

[lucys]

Hmm.

Two reactions: first that her statement is so silly that it hardly bears more than a nano second of attention. Your friend is, I suspect, more self absorbed than self-aware. To begin your search for love by ruling out a group of people based on the kind of hair they have is just plain daft. A moment of thought would allow her to work this out, so I suspect her of not really thinking much.

Secondly, I tend to agree with a lot of the other posters that your friend is unlikely to be a conscious bigot. But she is an unthinking racist, none the less. I suspect many of us are and we don't know it. (I hope I am not, and live in near permanent fear of finding out that I am wrong.)

Here in the UK the main London police force (The Met) was found to be 'institutionally racist',* which I think best describes this kind of residual unconscious prejudice. It isn't (often) born of hate, just laziness of thought and a lack of self awareness, I think.

What to do depends on how much you value the friendship, I guess, and how you feel the pair of you could handle any confrontation. Not suggesting a confrontational approach (unless you want to), just aware that it could easily turn into a confrontation no matter how carefully you start the conversation.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

*ETA: this was the conclusion of an inquiry set up after the force spectacularly failed to investigate the murder of a black London teenager with anything approaching enthusiasm.

[Heidi_234]

She just ignorantly stated her opinions on AA hair, oblivious to the fact that they are forever knotted with deep racial intolerance issues. I think she was also ignorant/silly enough to spill her opinions all over you, even though you are actually an african amercian too. For her it's just hair, for you it's much bigger and unfortunately hurtful statement.

I just don't think she meant it the way it came out :shrug:

[nmarie33]

I think the black men of the world should consider themselves lucky that she won't be pursuing them!

[Fiferstone]

I hope you take Angelthadiva's advice, and politely inform your friend that you personally find such statements offensive and you'd appreciate her keeping them to herself.

[hazelnut]

I really want to thank all of you guys for your advice. I didn't talk to her today even though she tried to touch my hair today and talk to me. I personally don't want to be bothered by people like her. I've taken way too much crap from people, but this was way over the line. She's always been a very superficial person and you guys are right, I don't need her as a friend. I've got my other friends AND the wonderful people here on LHC! :D

[angelthadiva]

I think the black men of the world should consider themselves lucky that she won't be pursuing them! Bwahahahahaaa, I'm sorry, but that was too funny! :D


I hope you take Angelthadiva's advice, and politely inform your friend that you personally find such statements offensive and you'd appreciate her keeping them to herself. Aw, thank you! :flower:


I really want to thank all of you guys for your advice. I didn't talk to her today even though she tried to touch my hair today and talk to me. I personally don't want to be bothered by people like her. I've taken way too much crap from people, but this was way over the line. She's always been a very superficial person and you guys are right, I don't need her as a friend. I've got my other friends AND the wonderful people here on LHC! :D It sounds like you may have found your path...Not sure if you will be able to ignore her forever though, especially if she's close enough to touch you.

If you are happy, then I'm happy for you.

[ktani]

I think that your hair looks great!

Re this person, I agree that what she said was unbelievably insensitive and racist, although she probably does not think that of herself or that what she said could be taken that way.

You said she is/was a friend but is very superficial. If you feel that continuing the relationship is not worth the effort and possible continuation of the stupidity is likely, that is your call and I certainly understand that.

However, something about her must have been worth your time to deal with her in the past. It is up to you whether that is enough to let her know how hurt and shocked you are at what she said or let her go, which is what you have decided to do now.

If there is more to her, you may be able to reach her. I agree that you are not overreacting.

[BroknRechord]

I think it is awesome that you've found a boundary about the kind of behavior you expect from the people your share your life with. You sound strong and connected to your heart.

If you should decide to open a dialogue with this person, letting her know that her comments felt offensive is not only standing up for yourself, but also giving her the necessary feedback to reflect. However, as racist as it sounds, it may speak to her candor and regard for honesty with you that she shared these fears that put her in such a negative light. When someone is scared because of their ignorance, I find it more effective to hold their hand through learning than to shame them - fear tends to be at the root of most mean behavior, and we've all been there before. And it feels pretty good to know you're above responding emotionally to someone else's irrationality.

Thanks for sharing.

[Fractalsofhair]

I haven't posted here in a while because I've been busy, and I'm glad you've gotten a resolution, but I will state my opinion on this.

African American hair is difficult for a person who is used to dealing with straight hair to care for. I'm of Jewish ancestry, and in helping friends with African American hair who didn't know how to care for it(One of my friends is 1/2 native American with straight hair, and her Father is black, but has very short hair. I managed to get her hair to curl instead of dreadlock, and my other friend normally got her hair done at a salon, but at a camp we went to, she asked me for help.), I've found it to be much the same as caring for Jewfros. (As a Jew, I use the term affectionately) It really only requires a little extra moisture and being gentle with the heat. However, if a person has never dealt with curly hair, and thinks Asian hair is easy to take care of(Oh noes, it's not. I actually find it hard to take care of compared to "white" or African American hair even. It's coarse. It can handle heat and bleach better, but still. It looks lovely though!), they might be confused. "Black" hair is generally drier, a bit more damaged, and generally more curly, but otherwise the same as "fine" white hair.

The reason it might look "greasy" is that many black women with "relaxed" hair use heavy pomades in their hair to hopefully prevent breakage, and those look greasy and kinda gross if over used, which as we all know with our oils, is easy to do. But come on, we've all seen a white guy with shoulder length greasy hair at some point in our lives I presume! Also, with relaxers(Or perms) and naturally drier hair, many African Americans don't wash their hair more than once a week.I was shocked at a camp I went to discover people there would only wash their hair once a month. However, it wasn't really a huge deal to me, because their hair didn't look bad. Weaves also look very shiny and greasy even, but many white women have them these days due to heat styling. Generally speaking though,many people will think any sort of oil looks "greasy". Most African Americans I've met don't overdo the styling agents, and have "nice"/normal looking hair, either curly naturally, or overly straightened. I know two girls who are 1/2 black and 1/2 native American who do not use any products in their hair and who have natural hair. Well, one girl now that I persuaded one of them to use a leave in conditioner, as her hair needed it. The one who doesn't use any products in her hair leaves it natural(She's a 3c I'd guess.), and it looks fine. A little dull, but fine. Better than what most women I know have for hair.

Now, if she won't marry a black man due to his hair, she shouldn't marry Jews(Forbid her child has a Jewfro...), or any other group or person with curly hair. She shouldn't even marry a lot of Asians as many do have naturally wavy hair. She shouldn't marry a Finn, as they're known for "coarse" hair. Or any other group. She should narrow it down to blond haired, straight haired, blue eyed Germans, and only marry them, and that should be regardless of her emotions, because of course, curly hair is so difficult to deal with.

Though, in reality, she probably hasn't dealt with curly hair kept decently. Many of my peers wonder how I can deal with the degree of "curl" I have in my hair without a flatiron. (I have somewhat straight hair, that looks straight most of the time. Occasionally, it waves or even curls.) It's not as hard as people think. Black hair does have a reputation of being hard to deal with from hairdressers, which is how I end up styling my black friends hair if they can't find a local hairdresser, because I'm the only one willing, and I have oils. Probably, she was curious as to how black people care for their hair. Easiest answer I would have given(As a white female with straightish hair.) would have been "The same way you do, but with more conditioner, and they wear a scarf a lot when they sleep to protect their style. They often go to a salon like women in the 1950s did to get their hair styled once every 2 weeks, and they don't wash it every day, but they do wash it fairly often. It's a lot harder to flat iron black hair, so a lot of black women use products that permanently straighten their hair or get it done at a salon if they want straight hair as opposed to an afro. Some women have hair extensions because their hair can break easily. Not all black people have afros, though, many have normal curly hair. Some of them use products to moisturize their hair, and some over do it, making their hair look greasy. But you've seen white people with greasy hair before!" But that's only based off my opinion off what I've noticed helping friends out. I don't know all that much about black hair care, and a person of African ancestry could probably answer better than I.

As so far as mixed race people, most of them have really awesome hair. Tight curls that are easily still curls, and their hair tends to be very shiny/healthy with the best of both worlds. Honestly, I would personally be on the fence about marrying a fellow Jew if I was planning on having children(Too many genetic aliments on my side of the family. Could be a bad mix depending on his family.), but I'm not, and even if I were to plan on kids, it would just mean I'd have to seriously consider having children or not if I decided to marry a man of the same group as myself. The same rule holds true for anyone from Scotland though. The risks make me a little nervous, but falling in love is more important than possible issues with children, as one can always adopt. Hair is a very minor thing compared to say Hemophilia though, and it seems silly to rule out a huge number of men based on hair! Your friend is probably not racist, but just ignorant. I'm pretty sure as a child I said things that could be seen as racist about black hair the first time I saw an afro(I think I asked someone if it was a wig or why they didn't shower so their hair would look like my mommy's. (Her hair can look interesting if she hasn't showered and has a case of bedhead, as can anyones.)).

If you don't want to spend a lot of time educating her, you're probably best not being friends with her.

[ktani]

Intersting discussions on human DNA testing. We are all the same species, period, regardless of DNA test results, http://www.crystalinks.com/migrationhuman.html.

"While the testing companies promise to unlock the secrets of your ancestry, researchers warn the science can be problematic. The tests also raise complex questions about identity and race. If you’re thinking about adding DNA testing to your repertoire of genealogy research tools this summer, proceed with caution."
http://www.utexas.edu/features/2007/ancestry/

[OleanderTime]

Thurgood Marshall, the Supreme Court Justice, once famously said, "I'm so tired of saving white people's souls."

What he meant was that being kind and trying to educate white people about what was wrong with the way they think, he had ended up spending his life doing it. And he didn't want to do it anymore. He was one of our most brilliant jurists, with a life of distinction, but he had had enough.

Have you had enough? Then let her teach herself. Just because you're multiracial doesn't give you the burden of saving anyone's soul. Look inside yours to find the answer to what you want to do. Then do it.

BRILLIANTLY STATED!

[Demetrue]

I can't believe she said "their hair looks greasy" - ugh. Who is asking her to go around touching "their hair" any way? Probably nobody wants her to put her hands in "their hair". When you talk about a group of fellow human beings, you don't say "their", as this turns the group into objects, whom you can then separate yourself from. "They" can never be "We". Anyway, this woman sounds ignorant and uneducated. I love styling the natural hair of one of the bi-racial girls in my preschool class into rope braids. The pomade her mom uses on her hair smells awesome.

[jojo]

Well with friends like that who needs enermys? Id be insulted with that comment and id also call it a racist remark, how rude.

[Teakafrog]

Doesn't sound like a 'friend' to me. My daughter is AA, and if someone said that to me about her, well, let's just say it wouldn't be pretty. At all.

[HappyHair87]

I wouldn't call her my friend anymore....she's just some girl you were talking to.

[angelakeats]

I love what Zule said.

[Pear Martini]

What a bitch. Time to drop that friend. Im hispanic/American/white and I can say only an ignorant prick or jealous person would say something like that.

Black hair is beautiful, her oppinion isn't the oppinion of the masses its just one person. She needs to grow up. Sorry you had to go through that.

[Sissy]

Umm... I would have responded, "You DO remember I'm part African American, don't you?" :D

yes, this would have been a good response. Sorry about your friend... she really put her foot in her mouth and sounds a bit dense!

[Merkaba]

I have a friend whose half black and half white- she has beautiful curly hair (to waist when wet). Unfotunately no one ever taught her how to care for it properly- it is quite dry. At least she only brushes when wet. If she took better care of it it would be gorgeous- definately enviable for me. I can see what your friend was trying to say, but her wording really sucked. I think each race can have awesome hair if they care for it the way it needs.

[Gvnagitlvgei]

Sigh... It's funny how she could be mistaken for anything other than racist. Ignorance doesn't cut it for me. There are intellects with the same disdain and hatreds.

The more I think of Marshall, the more I think he was the true genious. I personally don't care to educate people who make stupid statements such as those indicated in this thread and I, too, think of the underlying evil behind such rudeness.

One of the most embarassing moments a person can experience is finding out that "friend" harbours such hatreds. It's happened to me, making me feel like a total and inept putz for being open to such a person who, in the end, starts showing fangs.



On another note: not most AA's use heavy pomades on relaxed hair. Most AA's certainly DO know how to care for their own hair...afterall, it's on their heads. And weaves are worn not for easily broken hair but for versatility. It's no different than wigs and hair color...variety.

And I still cannot for the life of me figure out why some are bothered by oil put in the hair...people from a variety of cultures do it. I hadn't realized it was such a problem. The only "grease" that's gross in the hair is the one stemming from uncleanliness. BTW, my siggy pic below is shiny...and not one drop of oil in it. I wonder if that would be considered "greasy-looking."

One sore point with many people of color is the sentiment by some that "mixed" hair is great....greater than what? All hair is beautiful, if properly taken care of...no matter the helix pattern.

[Cherry_Sprinkle]

I don't know what to say... that is just.... terrible! I've seen many African American women with beautiful hair, as well as many Bi-racial, and just as many White, Indian, Native American, and so on. I'd be quite offended if my 'friend' said something like that fully knowing that she is talking about a part of me and my family.

I agree that I don't think she meant to hurt your feelings but.......... surely she must know that was quite insensitive.

[Debra83]

You really need to go see the videos on the Mixed Chicks site. They talk about that, and how people who have white mothers and black fathers are at a little bit of a disadvantage because the white mothers have NO EXPERIENCE with how or what to do with their daughters' hair and can be quite a difficult obstacle to overcome. It's more ignorance than malice I'm sure on your friend's part. The two ladies who started this product company are both mixed chicks and have heard it all from people who write in to thank them for making a product that works on their children's hair, as well as us not mixed chicks who have the frizzies - it really helps.

[Arctic_Mama]

Add me to the 'insensitive, racist comment' crowd. Maybe your friend didn't intent to offend, but there's no nice way to take several statements of that ilk, all together like that.

She was way out of line for polite conversation.

[Liluri]

I love what Zule said.
Me too, I think the "friend" needs some self education.

[hmmm]

I agree that it was extremely insensitive, but I can't help but pity her for being so ignorant. I've never even met a person of African origin (except once, and we only said hello), but I'd never comment on their hair like that. I'd pass it off as her being very immature and ignorant, and I can see that it was very hurtful too, but don't let it bother you too much. It's not worth it.

[cuddledumplin]

What a horrid thing to say! It reminds me of something someone said to me recently (that she wouldn't want a ginger child), and I was stunned. I agree with Lamb, you can't fix stupid.

[Laylah]

As rude and insensitive as her comment was, I wouldn't lose a friendship over it. My friends and I have said many things that we now regret, but a single comment isn't worth throwing away a friendship.

Just my :twocents:

ETA: I may have put this a bit too lightly. If she did this in the past, continues in the future, or doesn't apologize, I understand that you may not want to maintain a friendship with that type of person. All I meant was that if she may have said something unintentionally that was not meant to offend you, it's probably best not to throw away this friendship so quickly. Good friends are hard to come by.

[SHELIAANN1969]

But if that so called *friend* finds you own race disgusting and is a racist, that *friend* isn't a friend at all, and never was.

I find it disheartening and sad, I can tell from some of the replies it has hurt other people and angered many more, just from hearing about the conversation.

I know it angers and saddens me, it makes me sick really, but all I can offer is a :grouphug:





As rude and insensitive as her comment was, I wouldn't lose a friendship over it. My friends and I have said many things that we now regret, but a single comment isn't worth throwing away a friendship.

Just my :twocents:

[Kiraela]

I definately think it was a case of unintentional(?) racism...

But I'd like to bring up something that this thread has made me think a lot about. If everybody takes the stance of "I am not the one who has to educate the insensitive/rude/racist person in my life"... then how do they learn? If nobody ever brings to their attention that what they said was, at the least, stupid, then... They'll never know, and keep on thinking/saying those hurtful things. There's a limit, obviously. If you've called somebody out for something, and they keep doing/saying it, then yeah. Goodbye to them. But... *shrugs* I know if I said something that was construed hurtfully, I'd like to be told that, rather than simply wondering why my friend suddenly dropped me like a hot rock. Am I making any sense? And you said that the day after, she was trying to touch your hair?

Perhaps that was her (admittedly rediculous) way of attempting an apology, without coming out and admitting she made a mistake?

[Ce'Nedra]

:madYou are not over reacting at all! I would be so angry if someone say something like that to me!! I am just so shocked by how rude your friend was. Maybe you should be careful of her.

[truepeacenik]

note to self: tell gorgeous just as he is Chinese friend with awesome, wild curly hair that he can do anything with his hair because he is Asian, and wait for his laugh.

Remember that "real " Asians all look like my sis in law. And never any other way.

(bangs head on desk)

for the record, I'd love to have my buddy's locks for a week to play with them.

And I wonder, can the OP's acquaintance hear all of our rolling eyes? :-)

[JamieLeigh]

That was very amazingly rude. I'm agreeing that you don't have a "hair comment" problem, you have a "racism" problem. :( I'm sorry you've had to deal with irrational idiots.

[Pixna]

Many, many years ago I made a comment to a former friend about a physical disability she has. She let me know, in no uncertain terms, how utterly rude, cruel, and thoughtless my comment was. From my vantage point at the time, I thought I was just being "honest." She never spoke to me again after that. Her response taught me a huge lesson that I have never forgotten.

When we say stupid, heartless things, it is a reflection of what we are actually thinking. While I don't believe we can change the views of someone whose heart is closed, we owe it to ourselves and our "people" to speak up. Otherwise, nothing and no one will ever change.

A true friend, when confronted with the reality of the hurt she caused, will be mortified and will offer the deepest apology possible. A false friend (a true racist) will defend her view and/or shift the blame to you (such as saying you are too "sensitive" or your response is just "silly").

If your "friend" doesn't understand your pain and beg your forgiveness, she was no friend in the first place. There are other people who are far more deserving of your friendship -- those who will cherish and respect ALL aspects of you. It might take a while to find them, but it will be well worth the wait.

I'm truly sorry for the pain this person caused you. I apologize on behalf of all the idiots in this world who are too stupid and/or self-absorbed to do so on their own.

[cheshire90]

How rude, sounds like shes on her way to breaking up a friendship!

[Helix]

It's a shame she didn't say it to your face. It would have been a "teachable moment" that would have gone a little something like this...

http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu168/mackmoves/gif/w7hmqg.gif

Heheh...just playin

Seriously though, you may want to redefine your definition of the word "friend"...cuz that cranial vacuum ain't it, I assure you.

Of course it's just her opinion and opinions are like.....everyone has one and everyone else's stinks. So who really cares what she thinks?

Heck there are people who would consider my hair to be "bad"...and I say "Dam skippy it's bad....real BAD"...:afro:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsUXAEzaC3Q&ob=av2e

[McFearless]

1. I'm confused. Why did she say too bad you aren't Asian? That is so random and...weird.

2. Greasy hair knows no race.

3. Kinky hair is awesome. It is more of a challenge to take care of than say straight hair, but so is curly hair, long hair, etc. Race has really nothing to do with it.

4. There is no nice way to say this but uh your friend was being a cow. Ignore her.

[McFearless]

Ughhhhhhhhh this is an old thread? Why does this always happen to me :(

[Helix]

Ughhhhhhhhh this is an old thread? Why does this always happen to me :(

Don't feel bad. I got had too. Who bumped this? lol!

[Sweetie]

what an idiot thing to do - I'd simply ignore her from now on......what the hell was she thinking? I'd love to see her falling in love with a fascinating black man and he breaking her heart! (and I think afro-american hair is gorgeous)

[clarinette]

wait wait, don't be too quick...it could be a major "foot in mouth" moment, where the white person totally forgets racism even exists (happens to me....) and accidentally says something that hurts your feelings! She was speaking about "dealing with the hair", as in combing her daughter's hair every morning before school, and feeling overwhelmed by the thought.....not making a racist comment, at least I don't think so! You could tell her that what she said hurt your feelings and try to explain to her that there is some history behind being Black , that it's not just a skin colour and that taking pride in your colour, hair and culture has been a survival tool that generations of mothers have taught their children since the times of slavery! A lot of white people don't realize these things, and this could all be a misunderstanding between you guys. Try to talk to her, you may be surprised , noone knows the things they've never been told!

[clarinette]

Ah shoot, indeed old thread......facepalm, i should learn to read the dates.....

[RavennaNight]

:brains: Time for some good old fashioned thread necromancing...

[CurlyMopTop]

I'm with Lamb on this one. You can't fix stupid! :D Wow!!!

[CurlyMopTop]

Lol McFearless!!!!! I fell for it toooooo!!! Hahaha..... :)

[Slinks]

Agreed. You have a tacky 'friend' there.:nono: I'd be careful with her.

yep !! someone who knows what you have, shouldn't be speaking that way .. very tacky indeed ..

ETA I didn't know this was an OLD thread GAH !!

[Slinks]

Ughhhhhhhhh this is an old thread? Why does this always happen to me :(

:lol: I did it too .. sad eh ??? :lol:

[mallorykay13]

This bothers me a lot. I didn't realize people were still so ignorant.

[dragonchickx]

wow this is really irritating! My three year old white girl hair is a pain in the butt to take care of plus you don't marry people for their hair type anyway.. Or at least I didnt.. I would love to have thick curly hair but I think what angers me is the overgeneralizing of African American hair types because they vary alot also...

[katienoonan]

Oh my word... I think this 'friend' is quite poisonous and tactless... to say she wouldn't want to be with a man because of his ethnicity and the possibility of having a mixed race child is quite nauseating


And to think... people really are this ignorant! :scared:


ETA: Old thread whoopsiedoodle!

[princessp]

Wow, so sorry you had to deal with this. Ugh.

ETA: Whoa I just noticed this is an old thread.

[misspurdy06]

Maybe she didn't realize how rude and shortsighted she was being.

Does she think snakes are slimy too?

I am Caucasian too mostly and I have styled, braided and cut african hair and aside from some oil that every race has it was nothing to be grossed out about. Her comments were uniformed.

[Maelyssa]

I'd be pretty floored too since this is coming from someone who's supposed to be your friend not just some random idiot off the street. But sometimes even our friends end up being just that...idiots.

She probably didn't mean to offend you & didn't even realize she was doing so but wow how RUDE!

I'd just like to say that I'm Caucasian, my ex husband is African American and we have four beautiful kids, three being girls. Everywhere my daughters go they have 'white girls' raving over their bouncy ringlets & professing how badly they want them. After touching them they then rave about how soft & lovely their curls feel. When one of my daughters was a toddler I had a Caucasian dad come up to me in Target with his adopted daughter who was biracial and ask my secrets for his daughter's hair so I guess I"m doing something right.

And by the way, my biggest secret was to treat it like my own hair which needs very little sulfates & lots of deep conditioning.

Don't let your friend make you feel bad about your own hair. I WISH my own stringy waves would be the gorgeous, defined curls my dark skinned daughters have. You're beautiful & don't you forget it!

[Maelyssa]

I think the black men of the world should consider themselves lucky that she won't be pursuing them!

ROTFLMAO! Now that's definitely a great point! :D

[Maelyssa]

Yep, another one here who just realized this is an old thread. DOH! LOL

[long.hair.maybe]

Comments like that are icky for their shallowness and judgmentalness, but I don't think they're racist -- although such strong, negative opinions that she seems to have thought a bit about are maybe a warning sign that she may have actual racist opinions. Do I have to proclaim that I love AA hair and wish I could have an afro not to be a racist?

[WinterButterfly]

I don't care what "race" a person is. ALL hair types have beauty! ALL of them. And yes, I do suffer from the occasional curl envy :). I'm sorry that a person said such rude things to you. People can be mean. If thee friendship is worth it then I hope you can work it out. But remember that you get to choose who your friends are. So if she keeps getting you down, then don't put up with it. Anyways, I hope you feel better.remember that love does not discriminate

[CaityBear]

Just ignore her. That is kind of rude to say that. It's one thing just to say you don't like African American hair but then to go onto a farther tangent about not marrying a black guy and saying she feels sorry for you...yeah...seriously.

I'd say just try not to let it get to you.

[battles]

:brains: Brains...

But really, what an awful thing to say. :(

[Little_Bird]

I really feel like what she said is kinda leaning towards racism. Actually some people say racist things without even realising. Feeling sorry for someone for being born with a certain color or hair type that is completely natural is not right at all, so you're not overreacting...

I would have just told her she was being racist, IMHO =/

I completely agree that you should rock with what nature gave you. If people lived like that they would be happier for sure... Oh well!

[Celtic Morla]

Wow old thread!! BUt HOW ANNOYING!!

I think I would have just said a few things back..LOL

A few years ago my mum did! My SIL is biracial and my BIL is Jewsih well nothing like a littel racism in a family that is pretty non judgemental. BIL used to call SIL names one day my mum was commenting to his mum about it and she said "Well she's black you think she would be used to be being called names" at which point my mum picked up her jaw from the floor and asked her if she liked to be called "a Kike(sp?)" She didn't and got pretty mad and my mum looke dher up and down and said"Thought so maybe next time you'l watch your mouth!" and walked away...LMAO

People can be pretty awful at times. A person who would say such hting sin my presence would not be a person I considered a friend. First you call their attnetion to it and if they persisst you know they aren't a true friend.

[irishlady]

I know it's easier said than done, but brush it off.
It's just pure ignorance, and that's her problem not yours.
I think that African hair is incredibly beautiful and unique, and remember, you can do things with it that others can't! If that's you in the signiture picture, I think your hair and you are stunning!

Blessings to you! :)

[lapelosa]

Fractalsofhair, I seriously heart your comment, in a deep, deep way.

[DonyaleM]

I'm not sure I would call someone like that a "friend". It probably wasn't her intentions to be offensive....but I'd be careful around her.

[blue_nant]

Yeah move her out of the friend category and into the acquaintance category. Be on your guard. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

I also like the person who said you can't fix stupid. Just avoid her if you can. If you feel the need, correct her, but usually it's pointless.

I just went through a similar oh-my-god-that-was-mean situation. You just have to move on. You can only fix yourself, not other people.