Naive newbie? Is this a f e t i s h site?

[glossyshine]

You're not going to believe this. Or maybe you will.

Conditioning my hair has always been a hobby for me, and I love learning new things about hair care. When I decided to henna my hair and stumbled on this site, I was thrilled! I've learned tons of new things here in the past couple of weeks, and I was immediately impressed by the quality of community on these forums.

Last night, I spent a little while reading a thread from a Christian woman who wants to wear attractive head coverings. I don't share her faith, but I always want to learn what people from with beliefs different from mine are doing, and I thought it was a great thread.

(Keep reading, I'm going somewhere with this.)

Today, a friend who's older, sophisticated and very professional came over. Of course, I wanted to show off my newly henna'd hair, and she raved about it. (It really does look great. I'm working on pics.) I told her I'd found this site and how happy I am that it's here as a resource.

She said, "Long hair? On people who aren't teen-agers? Isn't that some kind of f e t i s h thing?"

I nearly fainted. I said, "What?!? It's just people who want to have long healthy hair. I'm sure there's some f e t i s h people, because, you know, there's all kinds of people everywhere, but it doesn't seem like a f e t i s h site to me."

Well, we talked for several minutes. She thinks that white people (she's white) who want to have long hair are usually f e t i s h i s t s, and wanted to know if most of the people on the site were black, and that's why they weren't f e t i s h i s ts ! She approved of me because I have slightly below shoulder length hair and I'm going for BSL, which "is not abnormally long" (!)

(I'm serious. I really had this conversation.)

I told her I have friends of all races IRL who have long hair, and I hadn't really broken down long hair vs. f e t i s h by race. This site seems to have a huge cross-section of people, and most of them seem to want to discuss conditioners and hair ornaments. And as near as I can tell, "poo" is short for shampoo.

That Christian lady I read about last night sure didn't seem like some sort of f e t i s h i s t (though I don't mean to imply you can't be both) and neither has anyone else I've read about here.

I'm totally fine with whatever people want to do with their lives, as long as they're not hurting anyone, but I have to say my friend's default assumption that long hair = f e t i s h shocked me.

I know I'm new and not allowed to access all parts of the site yet, but if there's some sort of dungeon here, I guess I should say now that, for the first time in my life, I'm the most boring person on a website.

So clue me in, people! Is the phrase "hair sticks" some sort of sly double entendre? Am I in for a big surprise after I hit 25 posts?

[ravenreed]

I am sorry to inform you that most folks on here are shockingly...

normal.

I live in an area with a large number of people of all races and both genders who sport 'abnormally' long hair and I love it. I was at Costco of all places and saw a black gentleman with waist length dreads and I had to stop and compliment him. There are a lot of native americans around me and many of them have long hair. Lots of white people also have long hair here. I don't typically stop and ask people why they have their long hair, but of the ones I know personally, none of them are doing it for kinky reasons.

[khan]

Well that's a new one! Never heard that before. Spiritual yes, f e t i s h no :shrug: And welcome to LHC from one newbie to another. :D

[serious]

LOL... English isn't my first language, maybe that's why I haven't realized the f e t i s h side of this place...LOL

[Bene]

It's not a f*tish site :laugh: We even alter the word so as to not attract the creepers when they google for long hair. Please take the time and look around, you'll find plenty of great advice and techniques for keeping healthy hair. :)

[Elenna]

Surprise, hardy! Most of us here just want to grow long hair. This is a well run and fairly nice forum.

[glossyshine]

Thanks for all these great replies and welcomes!

To boil down what my main source of consternation is, I just was really stunned that a reasonable, intelligent person's very FIRST thought on hearing about a long hair website would be "f e t i s h."

That's just not my first association with long hair. But she was quite vehement.

[Bene]

I'd be stunned too. Well, first I'd laugh, but yes, I'd be stunned as well :D Preconceptions come in all shapes and forms. Invite her to come take a look? There are people here who aren't trying to achieve extreme lengths, but are growing out damage. She might find some ways to help her own hair.

[Gypsy]

I am sorry to inform you that most folks on here are shockingly...

normal.



Hey!
Speak for yourself, lady!
No one ever called me normal in my LIFE, ha ha!!!!:D
I guess maybe comparatively normal will work, though, in this case.:p

[glossyshine]

I'd be stunned too. Well, first I'd laugh, but yes, I'd be stunned as well :D Preconceptions come in all shapes and forms. Invite her to come take a look? There are people here who aren't trying to achieve extreme lengths, but are growing out damage. She might find some ways to help her own hair.


Funny you should mention her hair. It's thin and ear-length, although it's a beautiful shade of red.

She did finally say she might be jealous, and while I think that might be part of it, I also got the impression that she has a firmly implanted belief that serious, upstanding adult women have short hair.

I pointed out that that's not at all true in Asia, or in many smaller religious communities in the US (Sikh, Hasidic, some Christians) and she agreed it was a cultural bias on her part.

Still, the leap from "cultural bias" to "f e t i s h" seems rather long to me.

[RancheroTheBee]

Well, we talked for several minutes. She thinks that white people (she's white) who want to have long hair are usually f e t i s h i s t s, and wanted to know if most of the people on the site were black, and that's why they weren't f e t i s h i s t s! She approved of me because I have slightly below shoulder length hair and I'm going for BSL, which "is not abnormally long" (!)

(I'm serious. I really had this conversation.)

I told her I have friends of all races IRL who have long hair, and I hadn't really broken down long hair vs. ****** by race. This site seems to have a huge cross-section of people, and most of them seem to want to discuss conditioners and hair ornaments. And as near as I can tell, "poo" is short for shampoo.



I totally had to read this part at least three times, because I was so completely confused. Her response implies the following:

1) Wanting to grow out your hair is a sexual thing.
2) Only white people have f*tishes.
3) Is being of African American descent the only other default option for this woman? "If they're not white, they must be black. That's the only explanation."

Anyway, you're right. We're not f*tishists. Although, I fail to see what skin color has to do with sexual preferences, and I'm a little gobsmacked at... like, pretty much everything she said. Also, did she actually say something to the effect of, "I approve of your goal"? That seems weird.

And yes, 'poo is short for shampoo. And cond, dish, or condish is often the shorthand for conditioner. It's just kind of PITA to write it all out all the time.

But to reiterate: We love long hair. But just as a friend.

[Alun]

Thanks for all these great replies and welcomes!

To boil down what my main source of consternation is, I just was really stunned that a reasonable, intelligent person's very FIRST thought on hearing about a long hair website would be "f e t i s h."

That's just not my first association with long hair. But she was quite vehement.

I've had many reactions to long hair, but I can honestly say that has never been one of them. There are sites that are a bit questionable, but this one isn't. The topics discussed here aren't always G-rated, but f*t*sh*s are another matter entirely. The closest thing you can find on here are discussions of how to keep your hair from getting in the way during you know what, but that's more of a practical matter.

Some people do have odd ideas. One woman (in a pub, so not necessarily sober) insisted that all long-haired males were either gay or headbangers. So, of course I made it clear that I was a headbanger, LOL! Not strictly 100% accurate, but sometimes you just have to say something to shut someone up!

[glossyshine]

I totally had to read this part at least three times, because I was so completely confused. Her response implies the following:

1) Wanting to grow out your hair is a sexual thing.
2) Only white people have f*tishes.
3) Is being of African American descent the only other default option for this woman? "If they're not white, they must be black. That's the only explanation."

Anyway, you're right. We're not f*tishists. Although, I fail to see what skin color has to do with sexual preferences, and I'm a little gobsmacked at... like, pretty much everything she said. Also, did she actually say something to the effect of, "I approve of your goal"? That seems weird.

And yes, 'poo is short for shampoo. And cond, dish, or condish is often the shorthand for conditioner. It's just kind of PITA to write it all out all the time.

But to reiterate: We love long hair. But just as a friend.


Yes, her default assumption was that if they're not white, they're black, and if they're black with long hair, then they're not f e t i s h i s t s.

And she did look surprised when I mentioned a friend of mine with waist-length hair -- who's Asian-American, like she hadn't really been thinking of them. And I stressed the international reach of this site-- the US is not the only country on the web.

And yes, when I said I wanted BSL hair, she did indicate that that let me out of being a f e t i s h i s t and did seem a little bit approving.

She didn't say "I approve of your goal." it was, "oh, that's OK, that's not abnormally long"

I was shocked, too, and I was there.

My shock is the reason I started this thread. I just casually mentioned this great, really helpful new website to a casual friend, and the conversation went in a very bizarre direction. I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences.

I was kind of teasing about the dungeon stuff. I hope ;-)

[Wavelength]

Some people seem to think that long hair = crazy. And by "long" I mean "anything longer than BSL". If you take a look at some daytime talk shows and makeover shows, most of them seem to conform to this assumption. Very long hair is bad, and anyone who wants it must be crazy or somehow mentally "not there", while short hair is normal. That's the rationalization behind all the makeover shows that chop long hair into boring, heavily layered bobs.

It's not just TV either -- most of the fashion and hairstyling industry promotes this as well.

Then there's the popular opinion that "older" women (i.e. over 25) with long hair are even crazier/more desperate/more pathetic, because everyone knows that once you hit a certain age, you're supposed to cut your hair to a "reasonable" length if you want anyone to take you seriously.

So my guess is your friend absorbed this way of thinking from somewhere, conflated it with ******ism and came out with her rather extreme set of assumptions.

[RancheroTheBee]

Then there's the popular opinion that "older" women (i.e. over 25) with long hair are even crazier/more desperate/more pathetic, because everyone knows that once you hit a certain age, you're supposed to cut your hair to a "reasonable" length if you want anyone to take you seriously.


This idea always kind of enrages me. Mostly because I am really excited to be old and a longhair simulataneously, because that kind of combination always makes me so happy.

[glossyshine]

Some people seem to think that long hair = crazy. And by "long" I mean "anything longer than BSL". If you take a look at some daytime talk shows and makeover shows, most of them seem to conform to this assumption. Very long hair is bad, and anyone who wants it must be crazy or somehow mentally "not there", while short hair is normal. That's the rationalization behind all the makeover shows that chop long hair into boring, heavily layered bobs.

It's not just TV either -- most of the fashion and hairstyling industry promotes this as well.

Then there's the popular opinion that "older" women (i.e. over 25) with long hair are even crazier/more desperate/more pathetic, because everyone knows that once you hit a certain age, you're supposed to cut your hair to a "reasonable" length if you want anyone to take you seriously.

So my guess is your friend absorbed this way of thinking from somewhere, conflated it with ******ism and came out with her rather extreme set of assumptions.


Thank you very much for this comment. This seems like a very likely explanation.

The way she said it, it did seem like one of those deeply held, unquestioned beliefs. Like she couldn't believe that reasonable, serious adult women would want long hair.

Remember that old movie, Working Woman (or Working Girl)? Where Melanie Griffiths character cuts her hair because if she wants a serious job she needs serious hair?

Is/was part of the US cultural standard that women have to sacrifice their hair and be more like men to be powerful?

The ****** thing still galls me, though. F e t i s h?

Oh, I forgot. She also mentioned that white women fling their long hair around, and constantly touch it, and Asian women seem not to.

Once again, I'm serious. I really had this conversation today. Now that I'm writing about it, it seems even crazier.

[RancheroTheBee]

Thank you very much for this comment. This seems like a very likely explanation.

The way she said it, it did seem like one of those deeply held, unquestioned beliefs. Like she couldn't believe that reasonable, serious adult women would want long hair.

Remember that old movie, Working Woman (or Working Girl)? Where Melanie Griffiths character cuts her hair because if she wants a serious job she needs serious hair?

Is/was part of the US cultural standard that women have to sacrifice their hair and be more like men to be powerful?

The ****** thing still galls me, though. F e t i s h?

Oh, I forgot. She also mentioned that white women fling their long hair around, and constantly touch it, and Asian women seem not to.

Once again, I'm serious. I really had this conversation today. Now that I'm writing about it, it seems even crazier.

You will eventually start chancing upon many, many people who will think it's their business what you should do with your hair. And yes, the prevailing North American idea seems to be that short hair equals maturity. I'm not sure why. Actually, we've had a lot of conversations about what long hair "means" to people.

Also, she seems to have some really strange stereotypes attached to different skin colors/nationalities.

ETA: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was called Working Girl.

[florenonite]

We love long hair. But just as a friend.

I love this! Can I put it in my siggy?

[Kat]

Interesting. Considering I started a thread a while back bemoaning the fact that I've always had SOs who don't care one whit that my hair is long, and received a lot of replies in kind, this is funny...

(So is the "they must be black" thing. Don't most black women have trouble growing their hair very long because it's so brittle? At least that's what I've always heard. Though certainly harsh straightening probably doesn't help either)

[Dolly]

Well, I have encountered the "you're too old to have long hair", and some people think I am obsessed with my hair....which I AM.....and then there are some who just think I'm nuts in general......BUT, I have never had anybody think I had a f e t i s h!

There are hair f e t i s h sites out there, I'm sure.....BUT I have no desire to go there.....I came here looking for ways to repair and care for my hair, and that is exactly what I found! So, I'm happy!


NOW, on to the long hair and age connection....that REALLY galls me. I know that older women of past generations had long hair....and they wore it up so it would be out of the way while they were working.....why is that seen as unacceptable these days? Instead, they want you to cut it off.....I think its insane really....

[halo_tightens]

Wow.

It's hard to believe the crazy ideas that can be inside a relatively normal-looking head, isn't it?

[Lemur_Catta]

I had no idea long hair f e t i s h i s m existed till I heard it mentioned here :D

By the way, I think that one of the reasons because short hair is considered more serious for adult women is that, when you are working, you should not have your hair going everywhere, as it does if it is long AND worn down...I once read on an Italian long hair forum (which I only read, because I am too lazy to write on two boards :D) some long hair related accidents happened to the people there. One girl had her hair caught in the photocopier...What was she doing in her office with her hair down, anyway? If someone handed me a sheet or a document of some kind, and I discovered a hair inside, I would be kind of disgusted...I mean, it's not that hair is disgusting, but it would be like finding a piece of fingernail or something like that.
So, as many women don't like and don't know how to put their hair up (a ponytail is the only thing I have seen done) short hair seems to be the only answer.

Another thing, my mother always says that if an older woman wears long hair down, she may seem younger from behind, because you expect her to be a young girl, and when she turns, you are kind of disappointed...I don't really understand this but probably many people feels that way.

[Armelle]

On the list of bizarre encounters...that ranks pretty high up. O.o

[burns_erin]

People are strange everyday, and everyday people are strange.

While people rarely if ever mention the f*tish angle, I have gotten plenty of questions about my sanity due to my goals.

All I can tell you is be rationale, be firm, and when you can see you are talking to someone who can neither understand nor open their minds enough for rational debate on the subject, let the subject be done with them and let the rest roll off your back (or off your freshly or not so freshly oiled hair if you so prefer).

And as Ranchero, yes we love long hair, but just as a friend (I really do love that).

[Gypsygirl]

She thinks that white people (she's white) who want to have long hair are usually f e t i s h i s t s

I guess some people just need to stick other people that they think are "different" in a nice and safe box with an unambiguous label on it...or at least compare them to something they already know...for them to understand it. Kind of sad... :( I'm sure these people miss out on so much.

[Katze]

Wow, she is a real weirdo.

It is amazing what strange ideas lurk in peoples' heads, isn't it?


. One woman (in a pub, so not necessarily sober) insisted that all long-haired males were either gay or headbangers. So, of course I made it clear that I was a headbanger, LOL! Not strictly 100% accurate, but sometimes you just have to say something to shut someone up!

She forgot the third category: Scientists. My DH is both a headbanger AND a scientist, so he has long hair.




Then there's the popular opinion that "older" women (i.e. over 25) with long hair are even crazier/more desperate/more pathetic, because everyone knows that once you hit a certain age, you're supposed to cut your hair to a "reasonable" length if you want anyone to take you seriously.


Yes, this is also very, very weird.



Like she couldn't believe that reasonable, serious adult women would want long hair.

Remember that old movie, Working Woman (or Working Girl)? Where Melanie Griffiths character cuts her hair because if she wants a serious job she needs serious hair?

Is/was part of the US cultural standard that women have to sacrifice their hair and be more like men to be powerful?

The ****** thing still galls me, though. F e t i s h?

Oh, I forgot. She also mentioned that white women fling their long hair around, and constantly touch it, and Asian women seem not to.


Um, no. She should come over here where most people are 'white' and many, many women have BSL length hair at the moment. I always wonder how their hair stays so tidy because they NEVER seem to touch it.


I had no idea long hair f e t i s h i s m existed till I heard it mentioned here :D

Another thing, my mother always says that if an older woman wears long hair down, she may seem younger from behind, because you expect her to be a young girl, and when she turns, you are kind of disappointed...I don't really understand this but probably many people feels that way.

Me neither - here was the first place I ever heard about weird hair obsessed creeps (or people touching hair).

The disappointment thing sounds like what we call 'mutton dressed as lamb' in my family - women trying to look like teenagers when they are beyond 'a certain age.' Hair doesn't really have anything to do with that, but it could, I guess, be a part of someone's overall appearance that makes you think they are trying to look lots younger than they are.

What a weird, weird comment. I know most people think I am weird for looking up hair information online and spending time on a site about it, but they are also starting to ask my advice on hair, too.

How very, very strange!

[Flaxen]

We are exactly what we say we are in the Community Guidelines and Terms of Service. (http://www.longhaircommunity.com/index.php?page=tos) :thumbsup:

The Long Hair Community (TLHC) is a web site with forums dedicated to the primary discussion of longhair growth, care and support, in a positively charged, family-friendly environment.

And since there is no purpose in discussing farther what we aren't, this thread is closed. :)