would you sacrifice your goal length if it meant...

[Aeris]

...remaining as physically attractive as you can be to your significant other? So many of you seem blessed to have supportive men/women behind you, or even on the same journey :o

I know it sounds silly coming from a 19-year old, but his opinion matters to me a lot, and I do love him very dearly. I know there is much more to attractiveness than just the physical aspects, but he has said that I'm the prettiest and cutest girl he's ever known (next to his gorgeous mother!), and I really want to keep it that way. I know that if my hair were at my goal length, he'd still think I was pretty, but my hair is one of his favorite things. I've been trying to grow it out to my elbows, but he thinks that anything close to waist-length is way too long. I jokingly made a compromise that I'd stop when my shorter front layers were at cover-the-boob length, but that still seems so short to me.

Think I should just go for it and see if it actually does bother him at that point? I'm not even sure that it would. I wear it up most of the time anyways.

[KaasKnot]

I'd say grow it as far as it pleases you. One of the important things to remember in a relationship is that while it's all about compromise, there are some things that are your decision; this includes what you do with your hair. If he can't find the beauty in long hair and demands that it be shorter, then the relationship is not being fair to you.

However. If your long hair impedes him in an important way (can't think of an example), then yeah, you might want to keep it short. Otherwise, if it's just the aesthetics--keep your hair long.

[Talma]

In my humble opinion, I say go for your goal length. You're the one that ultimately has to be happy with your hair. If he doesn't like it once you've grown it out close to your goal length or all the way down to your goal length then re-evaluate what you want to do. You never know. He might find the idea of your hair being that long not so hot but once he sees it he might think its sexy as hell. That's my 2 cents. :D

[kdaniels8811]

Just keep growing it and don't make a big deal of it. He probably won't even notice it getting longer if you do not say anything.

[Maddy25]

I would definatly say do what YOU want with your hair! I am 22 and engaged and I dye and cut as I please, the most important thing is that you are happy with it. I know how it feels, it is hard to like yourself when you know your bf doesnt really like something about you, but who is he to decide :p I say grow!!!! When I told my fiancee I was growing to hips he was like "Really? THAT long?!!" and I was like...YEP! I think once he sees it long his jaw will drop ;)

[pinchbeck]

My mom, boyfriend, and son do not like my hair when it gets longer than 22". He are their comments:
1) Mom says to cut my hair to a more mature length (I am 41)
2) Boyfriend says to cut my hair to shoulder length with layers stating I will look sexier.
3)Son says to cut my length to 20" because his friends tell him I look like a hippie and it bothers him.


I made a compromise and cut my hair to 23" as a result of the above comments and miss the three inches I cut off. Longer hair doesn't necessarily look better on me - but I like it anyway.

Even though we members on TLHC adore longer lengths of hair, not everyone shares that passion. Everyone is different!

You are young and it would be nice to grow your hair as long as you like and maybe, um...politely assert yourself. Your boyfriend will get used to its length as it reaches different stages. It takes a while so it a gradual change. When you reach your goal length you'll be so happy you did than you can decide if it's right for you or not. Be sure to keep your ends trim, however!

Happy Growing.

[LaurelSpring]

I was seeing a guy who was never quite sure what he really liked. He said he liked it shorter but when I pointed out someone with really long hair he liked it. If mine was straight he liked curly, if it was curly he liked it straight, if I had bangs he didnt like bangs and if I didnt have bangs he thought I should have some. Basically I do what I want. Men can be pretty fickle.

[Iylivarae]

Just let it grow. Maybe he won't even notice the length (for me, my hair looks a lot shorter than it actually is). Or he suddenly finds the length attractive. It is hard to just imagine the length, so he might change his opinion.

Also, if you are not happy with your hair short, you'll get angry with him holding you back. It's better to do what you like about yourself, you have to be the one who's happy with it.

[ambychelle]

I like to look good to my husband, but utlimatly, I'm the one that lives in this body, not him. My DH will give his honest opinion if asked, but he'd never in a million years ask me to change something to please him. Once I saw this purse that I loved and he thought was really really ugly. Since I'm a cheapsakte, I didn't buy it even though I loved it. The next day, he said he was going to get milk and returned with the "ugly" purse (which, btw.. I get compliments on all the time from women *lol*). Anyway, my point is, I'm most beautiful to him when I am happy about the way I look.

So, no, I wouldn't cut it for him if it would make me less happy because I know that any man worth keeping is one that will value my happiness above and beyond his own. But on the other hand, part of the reason I try to keep a little length on my hair is because I know my DH likes longer hair and I like that he enjoys MY hair. But it doesn't make me any less happy to have a little length to my hair. If I thought it would make me happy to cut it, I certainly would. So, there ya go :) .

[JamieLeigh]

I wouldn't sacrifice anything. There are always more fish in the sea, and maybe the next time around I'd get lucky enough to find someone who loves me and supports what makes me happy. And if it came to a break-up...over HAIR, of all things...I'd really REALLY question if there isn't something else going on under the surface, because that's a really shallow reason to split up, IMHO.

You'll always be beautiful to SOMEONE, no matter what your hair length. :flowers:

[spidermom]

I asked my DH to grow his hair longer (he keeps it 1-inch long or shorter). He said he would wear his hair how he likes it. So same with me and my hair.

You can, of course, make your own decision and do what you like.

[hmmm]

I understand what you mean about his opinion mattering to you... I'm about your age, and I know how it feels when you meet someone you get really serious about. When I started out seeing my boyfriend I would try to be everything I thought he wanted, in terms of looks, behaviour, everything. The only reason I started to relax and feel more comfortable about little things like going out with him without any makeup on (and I mean nothing at all) was because he made me feel that secure. He thinks I'm gorgeous even though my skin looks awful on breakout days, he loves my hair even though it's in the most awkward stage it's ever been in. He says it's really soft and he likes touching it. :P
I even started growing out my eyebrows, which are really thick, they come up almost over my eyelid and almost meet my hairline at the temples. And the hair between the eyebrows is longer and more conspicuous than the hair between his eyebrows! I'd never, ever done this before, I always threaded them or tweezed, but he wanted to see the real shape. He likes them this way he says, and I don't plan to go back to tweezing ever.
Now I know that he MAY subconsciously think I look better with shorter hair, better skin, bigger breasts, firmer butt, whatever - but the fact remains that that's not me. If he's with me and loves me, it's because I am this way, this shape, this length hair, etc. If he wanted something else, he'd go for something else, something more 'customizable'. As much as I'd want to keep him, I wouldn't do it if I wasn't what he wanted.

Sorry about the rambling :P

[Tresses]

Go for it and don't sweat it. Hair grows slowly, and as has been said, he probably won't really notice it.

When I first joined a hair board, my hair was just about BSL. When it had reached about waist-length, Flaxen made a digital "future" shot of me with classic length hair. My husband's reaction was, "UGH, you're not going to DO that, are you?!" I did it and longer, before cutting back to classic. The point is, imagining it so long (or seeing the digital pic) was too drastic a change from where it was at the time. In the time it took to grow, he got used to it. The only thing that bothers him now about my hair is what it does to our vacuum and drains. :whistle:

[Tinose]

I'd say go for it. You're the one whose head it's growing on, therefore you have final say. And hair grows slowly enough that it's not like it'll be there tomorrow, anyway, so it'll give him time to get used to it if it's really that important.

[eadwine]

Personally.. if he doesn't like me the way I am and want to be, then HE needs to change, not me. I'd rather be alone and happy than feel like some guy held me back.


(and I KNOW this for a fact; I held my ex husband back, and myself as well, which is why I divorced in the first place. So.. been there done that ;) )

[Rivanariko]

I really don't think he'll even notice the difference. It's not like you're going to show up one day with hair that's 10" longer. It's going to take months to get there and he'll gradually get used to it. I'm sure he will continue to find you beautiful no matter what the length.

[RavennaNight]

I'd just grow it quietly and let him get used to the new growth. Do what you want for YOU.

[Jezerellica]

I'd just grow it quietly and let him get used to the new growth. Do what you want for YOU.
There is the perfect answer. It is you as a person that he loves. He may love your hair, or not, but it should not be the "deal breaker" for goodness sake.

[jesamyn]

I second that and add that compromise is a two-way street. If only one person (you) compromises, then it's not a compromise.

[Longlocks3]

Most of my past boyfriends either didn't care how long my hair was or wasn't around long enough for me to ask! hehe

DBF loves my hair, but he has reassured me he doesn't care how long my hair. It's a superficial thing.

I wouldn't cut my hair or grow it out for anyone other than myself. We all do so much for other people everyday, whether you're a mother, a caretaker, a worker, a sister, a husband, etc. It's nice to have something that makes you happy, no matter what others think.

[Islandgrrl]

If you want it long, grow it long.

If having my hair 5" or 6" longer than it is now is going to make the difference in whether or not my husband thinks I'm attractive, there's a big problem and it has nothing to do with my hair.

And while I'm at it (because this really bugs me a lot), if it's up to me to remain as physically attractive as possible to my hubby, isn't the reverse true? Doesn't he have to remain physically attractive to me?

I didn't fall in love with his hair. Which is a plus, since he is quite minus the hair these days.

[artowl]

Maybe talk to him about why you want it that long and how good it can look. I think a lot of people see girls with waistlength, who don't really take care of it. But, it's very pretty! Try showing him pictures or at least sit down and talk to him about why his support means something.

[meph]

I wouldn't change my goal, it's my hair and therefore I'm allowed to wear it like I want to. I agree with the others who have said to just grow it. Maybe he'll ends up liking it ? And you know, you could always cut it.

I'm sorry that he doesn't prefer longer hair on you by the way. I hope you will find a middle ground between what you like and what he likes. :blossom:

[jahof45]

There are so many issues to deal with in a relationship (tons of good stuff too). Each time you and DBF face any issue, you both have to decide your personal stance. Only you can make the decision about how you wish to handle your side of this or any issue. But, it is important to do things that build your own confidence and preserve your own happiness.

"To thine own self be true." ~William Shakespeare

[rhubarbarin]

I would keep growing, not worry about it for now, and ask for his input as you gain length. I suspect he will like it just fine at your goal.

Ultimately it is your hair and you should wear it how you like it most. But I do understand that his opinion about it would be important to you too.

[Aeris]

Thank you so much everyone! I'm definitely going to grow it longer.

I didn't even think about how he could get used to it in the months/years it'll take to get that long. And I have showed him pictures of the length I want before, but all he really said was that it worked in cartoons and video games :confused: But hey, we both love our Disney! Maybe looking like a princess wouldn't be a negative thing at all! :p

He is lucky though - I've seen him with no hair, shorter hair, his regular hair, 100 pounds heavier, 20 pounds thinner, his regular weight, no facial hair, facial hair..and he always looks like the most adorable boy I know. I doubt I could rock the scruffy look and still look pretty :p

[prittykitty]

Grow it as long as you want. I doubt that long hair would cause a problem in your marriage. I am surprised though, most men like longer hair on women. My husband likes my hair long but he realizes that I have damaged my hair and am now trying to grow it again. Still, he does not hold it against me and loves me just the same.

[ale]

My wife says that anything past waist is too long, and I've been growing my hair to classic and hope to go beyond that! She knows it's important to me and I'm not less attractive to her with this length; anyway, my hair is always up in a bun and the length isn't showing.

Generally speaking, I say follow your dreams and go for your goals: people will love you the way you are.

Cheers

[Jennie80]

Hi. I say. Grow as you want. Don`t do as the other want when it comes to your own hair och clothes. My husband doesn`t think that really long hair is attractive but I don`t care. I want to se how long I can grow my hair and he said. Ok but I don`t like it.. I say so what. He wouldn`t shave his hair if I said so,,If he loves You for You than the hair will not be important at all,

I hope that U listen to your self and do as you want..
Good luck with your growth..

[ravenreed]

There is always going to be something that you do that your SO will not be thrilled about. Unless he flat says he will leave you if your hair gets longer, I am guessing that he will get over it. Or he may not. However, if he is the kind of guy to get controlling over something as silly as hair length, that to me is a red flag for much unhappiness down the road.

[Fractalsofhair]

It depends. Is it something a man you love and whom loves you would not be able to have a functioning romantic relationship over? I mean, you can always grow it out later, hair never stops growing!(Well, unless you're growing to terminal...)

If you do grow your hair out, and he really is unable to find you attractive with it that long, discuss wearing it up when hanging out or braiding it so it looks shorter. If he still is HUGELY turned off by it, decide if you want to cut it. Hair only grows 1/2 inch per month, so if you're still with him when it hits goal length or so, you will be fairly serious together. Decide if your hair is worth more than this guy.

If he's not a terribly important boyfriend(Ie, apply the 6 month to one year rule, and see how long you've been dating, count the number of "fights"), then don't cut it! If however, it's a REALLY serious relationship, well, we all must make compromises, and hair cutting is not harmful at all compared to other things he could request about your appearance. Now, I'd hope if you decide to cut your amazing looking hair, that he at least tries with his appearance for you, as most men do need to work on theirs! XD It's also possible he just doesn't know how long waist is, and thinks it's much longer than it is! He also might be kinda annoyed talking about hair. I know guys like that... They'll say something like "Wow, your hair doesn't look all *Waves hands about head in a sorta frizz look* like the other girls!", and they're in for a 10 minute talk about oiling and brushing and washing, and end up wishing they didn't know I don't always wash my hair daily... XD Now, those are only close friends, but still!

I've had a boyfriend really not like it when I got a pixie, since my hair was shorter than his. Even though my hair was breaking off and damaged. Hair does grow, and it was all fine, though he really did not like my hair that short and did not like it at all when I took of a headband and he saw exactly how short it was XD. Now, had I known that, and my hair hadn't been SO damaged, I may have decided to get gradual trims.

[jojo]

Personally no I wouldn't change anything about me be it my hair or anything else. To be frank its one thing to have somebodies opinion mean something and another when it borders on control. If your boyfriend loves you as you are, then he should respect your choice to have your hair as you wish.

If long hair is your goal, then you go for it and those who dont like it....well can lump it!

Just my opinion, the choice ultimately is yours.

[JCFantasy23]

I also say grow as long as it pleases you, if it's important to you. If it's not that important than compromise.

As someone who has been in countless serious relationships, I can tell you that changing your hair color for someone, or length, or anything else important to you is never worth it in the long run. However, if it's just not a big issue and you don't care much either way, it becomes another thing to compromise on. It just takes time to find the right things in a relationship and come to recognize them.

[Sissy]

I was seeing a guy who was never quite sure what he really liked. He said he liked it shorter but when I pointed out someone with really long hair he liked it. If mine was straight he liked curly, if it was curly he liked it straight, if I had bangs he didnt like bangs and if I didnt have bangs he thought I should have some. Basically I do what I want. Men can be pretty fickle.

ha, apparently so! I guess I'm lucky in that my husband is very supportive and seems happy about how I want my hair... he just jokes with me for spending time on LHC, doing weird hair treatments with a funny looking heat cap on my head, and for buying every new oil or such that I come across :) However, he never jokes in a rude or mean-spirited way... it is always lighthearted and cute.

I say to grow it how you like it and he may not even say anything... nobody should really be told how they should look to the point of how they should wear their hair! People should wear their hair how they feel most confident and what they feel looks good.

[Naters]

I think you should grow your hair out to as long as it makes you feel happy and good about yourself. So many times us women have to change our appearance to please our men, but this is the year 2009 and as long as your happy with yourself he should be happy too.

[Themyst]

I don't know. I've come to think that really long haired men and women (and also those who appreciate it) have a different outlook on life. Is a long hair hater compatible with a long hair lover? :hmm:

[Fractalsofhair]

I think you should grow your hair out to as long as it makes you feel happy and good about yourself. So many times us women have to change our appearance to please our men, but this is the year 2009 and as long as your happy with yourself he should be happy too.

What about men changing their appearance for women?(Not just towards you, but towards everyone who's posted that she shouldn't change it for a man ever.) I mean, if I had a boyfriend who wasn't attractive to me due to some fixable reason and he refused to shower before seeing me or he dyed his hair some hideous color for him(One of my cousins has an obsession with dying his hair blond. I feel REALLY bad for his girlfriend. XD She hates it more than his sister and I do, since she's dating him and kinda has to find him attractive. Rather as his sister and I, if he looks ugly it's not a huge deal, since well, he's our relative and none of us like incest.), I'd be kinda annoyed.

Of course, I am by no means saying one should change oneself for a boyfriend randomly! Just, maybe both partners need to think about what attractive things are a must, and which are not.(Because, for a lot of people, looks do matter in a relationship. It should never be the total of what a relationship is, but I could never date a woman because I don't find women sexually attractive. I could never date a guy who is overly body built, just because that is that huge of a turn off for me, personally, though to each their own.) And if one partner agrees to change something about their apperance, the other should agree to do something similar if it is done for the other's enjoyement.

[MandaMom2Three]

For me yes, yes I would.

[Carolyn]

I don't know. I've come to think that really long haired men and women (and also those who appreciate it) have a different outlook on life. Is a long hair hater compatible with a long hair lover? :hmm:Oh yeah! Exactly.

Did you come to this conclusion from one comment from the BF or has he constantly made comments that he thinks if you keeping growing your hair he won't find you attractive? If he's said it once then I'd suggest that you stop talking about your hair. Don't ask him if he likes it. Don't share the details of growing, care, and styling with him. As others have pointed out, hair grows very slowly. Grow it longer and I'll bet he won't even notice. If you don't talk about it, he won't even realize you are growing it longer. The important thing is do not make an issue of it.

At 19 I might have a let a guy influence me on matters of appearance. Now I wouldn't dream of it. Being true to myself is much more important. If your hair length continues to be an issue, then I'd seriously rethink the relationship. Do you want someone who wants to control you like that?

[Bonkers57]

:p I asked my DH to grow a full beard (he's always had a goatee) and he said pretty much the same thing! So, same with me and my hair - he's ecstatic that I've decided to grow it out, so I'm lucky.


I asked my DH to grow his hair longer (he keeps it 1-inch long or shorter). He said he would wear his hair how he likes it. So same with me and my hair.

You can, of course, make your own decision and do what you like.

[Bonkers57]

Congratulations! You've chosen wisely :thumbsup: If you both still love each other even at your worst, you have a good thing!


I understand what you mean about his opinion mattering to you... I'm about your age, and I know how it feels when you meet someone you get really serious about. When I started out seeing my boyfriend I would try to be everything I thought he wanted, in terms of looks, behaviour, everything. The only reason I started to relax and feel more comfortable about little things like going out with him without any makeup on (and I mean nothing at all) was because he made me feel that secure. He thinks I'm gorgeous even though my skin looks awful on breakout days, he loves my hair even though it's in the most awkward stage it's ever been in. He says it's really soft and he likes touching it. :P
I even started growing out my eyebrows, which are really thick, they come up almost over my eyelid and almost meet my hairline at the temples. And the hair between the eyebrows is longer and more conspicuous than the hair between his eyebrows! I'd never, ever done this before, I always threaded them or tweezed, but he wanted to see the real shape. He likes them this way he says, and I don't plan to go back to tweezing ever.
Now I know that he MAY subconsciously think I look better with shorter hair, better skin, bigger breasts, firmer butt, whatever - but the fact remains that that's not me. If he's with me and loves me, it's because I am this way, this shape, this length hair, etc. If he wanted something else, he'd go for something else, something more 'customizable'. As much as I'd want to keep him, I wouldn't do it if I wasn't what he wanted.

Sorry about the rambling :P

[toaster]

For those who think he won't notice, he will. And if you ask his opinion, he will give it. Will he be truly upset over a haircut, or not a haircut in this particular case? Probably not.
Speaking as a guy who has been married for almost 25 years, I have learned that these things mean a lot more to her than it does to him, and he doesn't realize that, so he will say things that seem a big deal when they are really not.
Guys look at the big picture. They may decide they like that hair, those legs, etc. etc. But when it comes right down to it, they look at the whole package and decide whether they want to be seen in public with her.
If you have long hair, most guys will think it's awesome. Yes, generally speaking, men love long hair on a woman. If his buddies like it, he'll like it.
Besides, if it really is a relationship breaker, you don't want him. If it's not hair it will be something else.

[toaster]

I forgot to mention, that if my wife shaved herself bald and decided to wear coveralls, I wouldn't be happy, but I wouldn't throw her out of my life. She's my wife after all, and what makes her happy is what I want.

[windinherhair]

I would say to go ahead and grow it out. Some people don't know what they like until they have it. Your boyfriend could turn out to really like it. My husband has also hinted to me that he thinks my goal length is too long. Now I am only about 4 to 5 inches away and he still hasn't said anything. Also, it is your hair so I think you should be able to try what you would like.

[vdhendrix]

aeris, i think that when it starts getting longer that he might actually change his mind, i never got complements on my hair until i started growing it longer, now i get them almost everyday, i think that your boyfreind is just used to seeing everyone else haveing the same length hair, but once it gets long he might think its unique and beautiful, but either way it is your hair, and u should grow it as long as you want to, i mean would you shave you head if he wanted you to?

[Toadstool]

No. The sort of man I'd fall for (and have in the past) is the sort of man who finds me attractive because of who I am not what I look like.:)

[Bene]

While I believe in compromise, some things just aren't on the table for negotiation. So, no, I wouldn't sacrifice my goal length.

Now that I think about it, I've never had a partner suggest that I have short hair. I suppose I've been pretty lucky in picking guys who know better than to try and tell me what to :D

[Toadstool]

If his buddies like it, he'll like it.[/B]



All men are not this shallow.

[Fifty-Five]

Really, I mean, if it's THAT big of a deal to him... maybe he's got issues, ya know? Maybe I'm sounding too harsh, but I know that if a girl I was dating shaved her head, or went short, I'd still date her =3 So I say go for it, because I think if you mean that much to him, he'll love ya either way

[Demetrue]

I would not sacrifice something that made me feel more "like myself" for a relationship because then I would no longer be acting like my true self and the relationship would be based on a lie about who I am. Whether that "something" is long hair, or religion, or having children, or diet, etc, doesn't matter, if the other person is trying to make you change into someone you're not or trying to trample on your dreams, then they are not the right person with which to have a supportive, affirming relationship.

[Bene]

Really, I mean, if it's THAT big of a deal to him... maybe he's got issues, ya know? Maybe I'm sounding too harsh, but I know that if a girl I was dating shaved her head, or went short, I'd still date her =3 So I say go for it, because I think if you mean that much to him, he'll love ya either way


I was thinking this too. Really, what man is that preoccupied with his lady's hair? I'm ok with good preoccupied, which is helping you out with it, or combing it, or finding pretty hair toys for it. Bad preoccupied is if the length is a deal breaker for him. That sort of means (for me at least) that there's some sort of control issues going in. If a dude is trying to get his partner to grow or cut, that means they're trying to fit that person into a preconceived mold of perfection.

That really doesn't sit well with me.



I would not sacrifice something that made me feel more "like myself" for a relationship because then I would no longer be acting like my true self and the relationship would be based on a lie about who I am. Whether that "something" is long hair, or religion, or having children, or diet, etc, doesn't matter, if the other person is trying to make you change into someone you're not or trying to trample on your dreams, then they are not the right person with which to have a supportive, affirming relationship.


Or as I like to say, he's a controlling scumbag with serious issues about things that really are none of his business.