Hurtful Hair Comment =(

[Katurday]

-Rant Ahead-

Lately I have been taking enormous strides in benefitting my hair. I've been henna-ing, use sulphate free shampoo and cone free conditioners...I do ACV rinses and EVOO pre-treatments, and the occasional egg and EVOO treatment. In turn, my hair seems grateful. It really does shine wonderfully, and feels extremely soft to the touch. Apparently the differences are quite obvious to others, because when I let my -short- hair down, I get compliments on how much nicer it is from my bleach and dye days.

However, an incident that keeps repeating in one of my classes keeps me a bit tense. A girl I consider an acquaintance keeps giving comments about my hair, and most of these comments are thinly disguised insults. Some are actually blatantly rude. It started when I first hennaed and my color became slightly redder. I was getting plenty of compliments on the coppery shine, and she chimed in on how I need to bleach chunks of a honey color in because my hair looks "flat". I was offended at her unwanted "advice", but I shrugged it off, because I assumed she was simply trying to help.

Then at another time, she looked at my wide toothed comb and made a remark about how only thin haired people like me can possibly rake such a comb through their hair. My hair is not thin at all! My pony circumference is around 5 inches! I calmly explained that combing hair has more to do with patience and conditioning than anything, but she ignored me. When I privately told a friend that I am getting the damage trimmed off my ends, she slipped in and said "Well if you want to cut the damage out, you might as well get a pixie". This is coming from a flat-ironed, blowfried, dry and crinkly haired bleach blonde? A male friend of mine (whom she is interested in) even made a passing comment that her hair looks like a haystack.


The problem is, she is actually taking a toll on me. After I hennaed, I was as proud as a kitten with a gift mouse. Her comments seriously made me doubt my improvements, color change, and general attractiveness and condition of my hair. :(


Honestly, what is the deal here? Has society truly gotten to the point where damaged hair is good looking? Is she delusional, envious, or simply cruel? Any tips on making this stop will be greatly appreciated.

[Shermie Girl]

The fact is that many people will never understand that there are other perfectly valid ways to care for hair besides what they are told to do in fashion mags and salons. They listen to hairdressers and take their word for gospel and won't even consider another way. That is fine, it is their hair and their right.

You know better. You know what works for you and your hair. Your hair is responding well and you are happy with it. That is all that matters. Period. :D

Next time she tries to insult you or your hair, just tell her politely but firmly that your way of caring for your hair works for you and that you are not interested in any of her unsolicited advise.

[Cholera]

Maybe you should ask her if she's seen how awful her hair looks. If you're blunt enough, it may just shut her up.

[Longlocks3]

One of the girls in my cohort, who I considered a 'class' friend did something similar to me. I had my hair in a braid, which showed how long my hair is. She mentioned how she loves to dye it and always cuts it short in the summer. Then she looked at me and said "You should cut your hair in a short style, like chin length bob". Um no?

If you're going to have 'different' hair, it's going to happen. Heck, even if you did all the 'bad' conventional things, people would still feel the need to tell you how to do your hair.

Brush them off. Don't let them get you down!

[Carolyn]

She's a bitch. Plain and simple, a bitch. I'd ignore her and her comments. Pretend she isn't there. She's of no matter or significance to you. Since you mention classes, I'm assuming you are young and in school. You'll meet more of her kind all through life unfortunately. They want to put you down to make themselves feel better. Go on doing what you are doing with your hair and be happy with it. That sad girl is going to have a miserable life. You don't need her bad karma bringing you down.

[Themyst]

The word 'frenemy' comes to mind.

[kdaniels8811]

Carolyn said it exactly right! Pay no mind to her. Sounds very jealous to me...

[Katurday]

Most of the time I correct her rather politely, and explain that I like my hair the way it is. I'm deeply afraid that she's just the kind of person that tries to give advice but it ends up sounding in the worst of ways, and I don't want to snap at her for that reason.

I'm basically asking if there's any other perspectives I could see this from before I act.

[SylphideNoir]

Honestly I would look her in the eye, give her a big smile and say, "I don't care what you think"

[Willheit]

I had a "friend" like this as well. Pulling from that experience, I'd say she's envious of your hair. In some people, envy quickly turns to jealousy which results in comments like those. I'd take her insults as a compliment and tell her the "advice" she's offeirng is unwanted.

[spidermom]

She sounds like a real snot! I would tell her that "I'm flattered by how much concern you have for my hair, and when I decide to change it, you will be the last to know." Also a dead-pan. "Thanks."

[motormuffin]

Sometimes killing with kindness works too...carefully worded you can do it in such a way that you can tell her to go the h*** and look forward to the trip. Some people are so dense that they don't realize that you are putting them down.
Ask where she gets her hair done and that maybe you should go there instead. Ask her what she does to her hair and it always looks so lovely. Have her show you her comb...that kind of thing. It could have a side benefit of you knowing they are insults but you don't feel totally mean.
Or...you could tell her to get bent :)

[DMARTINEZ]

She's a bitch. Plain and simple, a bitch. I'd ignore her and her comments. Pretend she isn't there. She's of no matter or significance to you. Since you mention classes, I'm assuming you are young and in school. You'll meet more of her kind all through life unfortunately. They want to put you down to make themselves feel better. Go on doing what you are doing with your hair and be happy with it. That sad girl is going to have a miserable life. You don't need her bad karma bringing you down.

~~~What she says~~~!!! LOL

[above_rubies]

A male friend of mine (whom she is interested in) even made a passing comment that her hair looks like a haystack.



That may be the problem right there. 5" ponytail is definitely not thin! Mine's just over 4" and I get comments on it's thickness all the time. She's jealous plain and simple. Be proud and just ignore her don't let her poisonous personality get to you.

[Quixii]

I would tell her that "I'm flattered by how much concern you have for my hair"
I like that. You can try ending it with "but I feel like what I'm doing is working for my hair."
I don't know how you feel about people touching your hair, but you could offer to let her touch it. "Feel how soft it is? How can something so shiny and soft need the things you are suggesting?"
Some people just won't change, though. You could try just asking her to worry about her own hair, or try to let her know that if she intends her comments as good natured advice, she could try nicer terms, and if she intends insults, then she should keep them in her head.

[spidermom]

Sometimes killing with kindness works too...carefully worded you can do it in such a way that you can tell her to go the h*** and look forward to the trip. Some people are so dense that they don't realize that you are putting them down.
Ask where she gets her hair done and that maybe you should go there instead. Ask her what she does to her hair and it always looks so lovely. Have her show you her comb...that kind of thing. It could have a side benefit of you knowing they are insults but you don't feel totally mean.
Or...you could tell her to get bent :)

Oh, I like this too.

[jojo]

Why not give her the LHC quote " i am not here to decorate your world!" followed by an old favorite of mine the old 2 fingered salute!

Take no notice she is so obviously jelous of you, id not waste my time or energy letting a low life little bitch like that get to you. ((((((HUGS)))))) xx

[MissManda]

Ah, I've encountered similar persons. It's best that you just let those hurtful comments slide off like the water on a duck's back. If you ask me, she sounds very jealous.

[MAO]

Aawwww, I'm sorry Katurday :flowers: she is obviously jealous. I also like what Carolyn said :eyebrows:
You could say that you are too busy having a life and don't have the time to bleach and fry your hair like she does.....or you could say, Sorry, I don't have the time to ruin my hair. Maybe some day I will have some time to ruin my hair also so it can look just your straw, I mean, ummm, hair.

[Demetrue]

I've had family members/in-laws say insulting things to me in the past about everything from my appearance to my child care decisions. I find that saying something like, "Oh, I'm really happy with it like this - I've been trying to get it to look like this for a long time - I'm GLAD it looks like this!" tends to make them close their mouths in embarassment.

[NiAosSi]

I condone violence. Punch her and walk away. :twisted:

[Cat Lady]

She's obviously jealous. I'm jealous too! 5 inch pony circumference - wow! Maybe you should make a comment about how much smoother and softer your hair feels after henna, and tell her if she hennaed it might soften up her ratty hair and control her split ends. Then, she can demonstrate on herself those honey highlights she thinks would look so great.

[RavennaNight]

Sounds like your hair is getting a lot of positive attention while she's in the room to hear/see it. I know not everyone is jealous of the hair of others when they comment negatively, but it sounds like she is.

[klcqtee]

Hm. If I were you (and less even tempered than you!) I'd have spouted off something like:"At least my hair isn't screaming in agony from being torchered with a flat iron daily, then stripped of all it's natural, beautiful colour. Who do you think you're fooling (insert profanity here)? We all know you don't have straight blonde hair, why can't you accept who you are like I do? Deep down, I know you're a *****, and so does everyone else. You can't hide who you are by changing your looks."

But, you seem a lot more compassionate and less short tempered than I am. I commend you for not firing off at her! You're the bigger person here, and you're going to have all your hair later in life, while her hair will have abandoned her scalp just to get away from the abuse.

Good luck with your problem (I know I didn't really help), and try not to rip her to shreds (not that I'd blame you...)!

Enjoy your beautiful hair!

[RubyRose]

wait until her hair falls out from all the stuff she does to it. then have yourself a good laugh.

[adiapalic]

Ditto to Carolyn's comment. My guess is this girl is just getting catty with you out of envy and jealousy.

If ignoring doesn't work and she keeps shoveling unwelcome nastiness your way, there needs to be some brutal confrontation with her about the unnecessary situation so that you can move on happily. What's to be said? That's up to you.

Don't let one evil, jealous, little girl spoil all those wonderful compliments you receive for your beautiful, healthy and well-taken care of hair. :flower:

[Elenna]

When people say hurtful & rude comments like that, in the long run it doesn't matter.

What matters is that you have hair that's getting long & lovely, and she doesn't.

[sally_neuf]

What's that smell..??

Oh yes, ENVY!!! She makes such comments about your hair, because it's the only thinks she seems to think of, and that is of course, pure envy! You know she can't take your healthy shiny hair of her mind ;-) Don't feel bad about it, you should feel proud for it! She might not notice it, but every time she mentions your hair she is only thinking of YOU, so Wow! imagine the effect you gorgeous hair has on others.

[LittleOrca]

I condone violence. Punch her and walk away. :twisted:

:rollin:.........

[BlackfootHair]

I would carefully tell her that her hair is looking a little dry and offer helping her with a deep conditioning treatment. If she is jealous, perhaps she would enjoy some pampering that would help her hair look better. :)

[jivete]

Oh, I like this too.

Me too.

You could also just agree with her in a dismissive way. When she "suggests" something, you just nod, agree and move on. Just make sure you agree flippantly.

Her: "You should get highlights"
You: "Um, okay." and then turn back to whatever you were doing and of course, never actually get highlights.

That way, you're not being insulting, you're acknowledging her comment but you're just letting her know you really don't care what she thinks in a somewhat subtle way.

At any rate, don't let her get you down. I agree it's probably just jealously.

[Peter]

Some people just have no manners...

After a while, rude comments like that just start to become meaningless. It sounds to me like she's jealous.

Responding to unwanted suggestions with "yeah, sure" or "'kay" in a really monotone way helped me, personally.

[meowmeow]

If I were you, I'd be tempted to say, "How about I wear my hair the way I want and you shut up and accept it?"

She definitely seems catty, that's for sure.

[marikamt]

She's a bitch. Plain and simple, a bitch. I'd ignore her and her comments. Pretend she isn't there. She's of no matter or significance to you. Since you mention classes, I'm assuming you are young and in school. You'll meet more of her kind all through life unfortunately. They want to put you down to make themselves feel better. Go on doing what you are doing with your hair and be happy with it. That sad girl is going to have a miserable life. You don't need her bad karma bringing you down.

Totally agree. A great comeback to any comment in this vein is "Wow. Good thing your opinion means absolutely nothing to me. "

[marikamt]

She's obviously jealous. I'm jealous too! 5 inch pony circumference - wow! Maybe you should make a comment about how much smoother and softer your hair feels after henna, and tell her if she hennaed it might soften up her ratty hair and control her split ends. Then, she can demonstrate on herself those honey highlights she thinks would look so great.

OMG!!! I am dying laughing at this......

[aada]

I condone violence. Punch her and walk away. :twisted:
me too! but i am told this has limited real-world applications. ;)


i second the "i'm not here to decorate your world" and rude gesture suggestion, but if that doesn't work, violence may be the ticket! haha

[Jeni]

Ok because I just watched a Katt Williams comedy show (love him!) I will say this- She is a hater, plain a simple. You need to look out for you "star player" (that's you btw) and tell her to go to hell.

Never did I think I'd be using Katt William's show to give advise on a hair forum......

[Aer]

I vote it's total hair envy. I truly think it is. I had a "friend" that would take little swipes at another friend of mine, who was an exceptional dresser. She would hint around that her clothes looked cheap, knowing they weren't. Everybody complimented my stylish friend, and that fueled the other girl's jealousy. You should be flattered, because I think since it sounds like your hair is pretty nice, she's getting to be a green eyed monster! So that means you must be doing something right!

[Stephichan]

I wouldn't insult her directly. If I had the guts, the next time she tried to "help" my hair I might take a long-ish pause and say "I'm sorry, I don't seem to remember asking for your advice".

[Amara]

You've got lots of good advice here but I wanted to add a [grouphug]

Honestly, go [lala] and ignore her. Literally do not respond when she says something like that, rather than trying to correct her. If a few times of having that happen don't work, say "some of your comments seem like insults to me. Am I misunderstanding your intent?" and then look her in the eyes while she answers. Hopefully:

1) if she knows she's being bitchy but feels bad about when you call her out on it, she'll quit.
2) if she doesn't know she's being bitchy she'll realize it and quit.
3) if she knows she's being bitchy and doesn't feel bad about it, she might back down because you're not an easy target anymore.

[Syaoransbear]

Quite simply, she's a bitch, and you don't have to listen to those. Don't take hair advice from people with bad hair unless you want bad hair.

[Darkhorse1]

She's jealous, plain and simple. You have gorgeous hair, she sounds like she does not. Don't waste your time worrying about her comments. be happy/proud of your mane and the next time she passes along a comment, just shrug and say 'I'm happy with my hair'.

The key is to really believe it :) Hugs to you!

[Cherry_Sprinkle]

I think I have to agree with Carolyn.

[RancheroTheBee]

Wow. Just... wow. It's almost as if she stays up at night, thinking of rude things to say to you. What a complete cow this girl must be. I'm sorry, I know I'm in no place to judge, having never met her, but you have to have absolutely no inner censor in order to say stuff like that to people.

I know people like this, sadly. I just facepalm, sigh audibly and pretend as if I hadn't heard them.

[Gypsy]

I condone violence. Punch her and walk away. :twisted:

That's what I say; just smack her and keep strollin'.http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v102/LaMermaid/fighting0082.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v102/LaMermaid/okaaay9sw.gif


Or, in case you weren't trying to be arrested for assault, you can do like Eddie Murphy said when he told Richard Pryor that Bill Cosby chastised him for cussing, "Have a Coke and a smile and shut the f**** up".

[noelgirl]

She really sounds just plain clueless. About hair and about people. She's so rude that no matter how fashionable she is, nobody's going to like her. If you didn't ask for her opinion, and it sounds more like she's butting in on your conversations with others, then I'd tell her exactly where she can put that opinion.

[missjessiecakes]

I condone violence as well. What a *****ing B*tch

[linda g]

:grouphug: Just remember that just because she is behaving badly, doesn't mean you need to respond in kind.

Sometimes a noncommittal "Really? How interesting..." or "Highlights? I never would have thought of that..." and going about your business is the best response to unwanted advice.

[Lamb]

Practice this stare:
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/funny-pictures-cat-has-noted-your-ridiculous-opinion.jpg

[Gladtobemom]

She is NOT a very nice person.

Maybe you should just tell her that. "Sad, that your character is so spoiled that you feel the need to offer me unsolicited insults."

I've used this a few times, it usually stops them in their tracks. Alternatively, they sputter about how they're trying to help me. I just replied, "I don't need your misogynistic help."

[Heidi_234]

She sounds like a mean person, but since you're unsure about her motives all you can do is assure yourself that you know better, and that your hair must look good, since you're on LHC :wink: Seriously, does she knows how to take care of her hair? I was always hair obsessed, but after joining LHC I realized I knew NOTHING about hair care.

So I think you should:
a) Act as if talking about hair (or getting her hair advice) is the last thing on your mind
b) Restore your confidence in your hair and whatever you do with it. Hundreds of LHCers with beautiful hair just can't be wrong. :)

[Tangerine]

Practice this stare:
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/funny-pictures-cat-has-noted-your-ridiculous-opinion.jpg

I nearly sprayed my tea through my nose. Thanks for that.

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin:


And to the OP, along with so many others, I completely agree with Carolyn.
Please please please do not let her comments get to you. Life's too short to have to deal with other people's hang-ups. Especially one as petty as hers.
:flower:

[Beldaran]

Next time she insults you, stop her mid sentence by saying this:
You: Shhhh! Do you hear that??!
Her: What?
You: [lean in towards her hair] That.. your fried dull hair is screaming for me to help it!

[embee]

Or,
You: shhh. Do you hear that?!
Her: What?
You: Those rude things someone is saying!

Gah. Your hair is for you, not her.

Really, just say thanks and move on. No point in engagng, she's not worth it. Some folks are toxic to us, we can avoid them, close our ears to them.

[Tangerine]

What also crossed my mind was the following: are you good friends with that guy she fancies?
If so, then that could well have something to do with it too .... more green-eyed envy .. You have longer, shinier, healthier hair AND you hang out with the guy she's after (a guy who happens to think she has a head like a haystack mwahaha)!
:)

[JamieRose]

Tangerine brings up a good point- she sounds jealous, jealous, jealous!

I guess I would just ask her why she cares about your hair so much. Obviously she's given her (unwanted) advice numerable times, and you haven't gone off and bleached or cut your hair, so she must KNOW she's just beating a dead horse. Ask her why she is so concerned with your hair. You might get a funny response, and forcing her to actually think about it may make her finally stop.... hugs for having to deal with such a mean girl! Just keep in mind that most catty girls like that have some kind of self-confidence/depression issue. Always better to take the high road, just in case!

[Isa-belle]

She sounds simply envious of all the compliments you're getting.
Please, do yourself a favour and ignore her! She is so not worth your getting upset.
Embrace your lovely hair :flower:

[xxaimsxx]

You know what it's probably jealousy because her hair as you described it sounds horrible.
There was a girl about a year ago in my school who i had to sit next to always made fun of my hair when she had ugly, damaged, dyed black with extentions in her hair. At that time i would wear my hair up because i was then first starting to grow it long and comments like hers wernt helpful.

Next time she says something nasty reply with, ''Is the damaged hair look what you are going for?''
Or ''Maybe you should give up on the straightners?'' and smile. Lol.

xx

[Loviatar]

I'd just look at her, smile, and say "Oh, I'm so sorry!"
If she pushed for why I was sorry, I'd brush her off with "Oh, you know... the hair thing" and wave at her head.
Then go brush my fabulous hennaed mane. In sunlight. :D

[LadyGunn]

<snip>
...I was as proud as a kitten with a gift mouse...
<snip>


I love this line!


me too! but i am told this has limited real-world applications. ;)

That blasted real-world, getting in the way again! ;)


Quite simply, she's a bitch, and you don't have to listen to those. Don't take hair advice from people with bad hair unless you want bad hair.

That last line is a great one. Simply tell her you don't take hair advice from someone with bad hair. :D

I've not gotten many rude comments yet, but plan on telling them, in an ultra-polite voice, "Your opinion has been logged & reviewed, found lacking in merit & consequently tossed out the window. Thank you."

[longhairedfairy]

5" circumference? I'm jealous!

[JamieLeigh]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with someone like that. Unfortunately some girls (and guys) are just that way - they enjoy tearing others down to make themselves look better. It's possible she is very insecure about her hair, and that hearing others compliment you makes her want to take the air out of your balloon.

Don't let it get to you, if you know in your heart that you are doing the best for your hair, then wear it proudly - and incidentally that is HILARIOUS that the guy she likes thinks her hair looks like a haystack. Poetic justice, if I ever heard it. :D :D

[Allegra]

I must say that it really does sound to me like she's jealous and most definitely feeling threatened. She is probably more than aware that your hair is much nicer than hers and hence trying to convince herself, you and everyone else that it isn't, or worse she's trying to vindictively get you to cut it off!

I know its difficult, but really try to shrug it off. Or just ask her outright in the nicest possible way why she keeps going on about your hair. Often the way to put people like that in their place is to a) call them on it and b) be super sweet about it!

[Curlsgirl]

You've got lots of good advice here but I wanted to add a [grouphug]

Honestly, go [lala] and ignore her. Literally do not respond when she says something like that, rather than trying to correct her. If a few times of having that happen don't work, say "some of your comments seem like insults to me. Am I misunderstanding your intent?" and then look her in the eyes while she answers. Hopefully:

1) if she knows she's being bitchy but feels bad about when you call her out on it, she'll quit.
2) if she doesn't know she's being bitchy she'll realize it and quit.
3) if she knows she's being bitchy and doesn't feel bad about it, she might back down because you're not an easy target anymore.I agree totally with this!

I also am one that believes in not playing games but telling it straight. If she sincerely just has no social manners or has not been trained that way, then it really could help her. If she is doing it intentionally then again, you have still said how you feel without stooping to her level. I am sure there is a jealous factor there either with your shinier, healthier hair or with your friend or both. But regardless, handle it with class and with truth and you can't go wrong.

After that, if she continues, ignore her.

[Aquamarine]

Just ignore her. I think she's acting like this out of hair envy.:grouphug:

[baobhan sith]

-Rant Ahead-
She chimed in on how I need to bleach chunks of a honey color in because my hair looks "flat". I was offended at her unwanted "advice", but I shrugged it off, because I assumed she was simply trying to help.

Then at another time, she looked at my wide toothed comb and made a remark about how only thin haired people like me can possibly rake such a comb through their hair.

"Well if you want to cut the damage out, you might as well get a pixie".




- "And you're telling me because? I'm sorry but if you think you're being helpful giving advice, but you're not and most of the time you just sound offensive."

I'm a fairly up front kind of a person:)

[Thinthondiel]

I'm not sure if I agree that she's jealous because of how your hair looks... I'm guessing she thinks her hair looks better than yours, since she's the kind of person who ruins her hair like that. However, I think she's jealous because no one else thinks her hair looks better than yours, and that by commenting like she does, she might be fishing for compliments or "confirmation" that her hair looks better than healthy hair... or maybe she thinks that she'll be able to force her opinion on others, i.e. influence them with her comments and thus make them like her hair better than yours.

No matter what, she's pathetic and clueless when it comes to healthy hair, and you shouldn't listen to a word she says. Listen to the people who tell you how nice your hair looks instead!

[going gray]

I completely agree with Carolyn she is "right on" You'll learn as you go through life, that this type of person must be ignored! Took me a long time, but I finally got it!!!

[Unofficial_Rose]

That may be the problem right there. 5" ponytail is definitely not thin! Mine's just over 4" and I get comments on it's thickness all the time. She's jealous plain and simple. Be proud and just ignore her don't let her poisonous personality get to you.

Took the words right out of my mouth! :D She is p'd off that he is friends with you, so she is being vile about your hair.

[heidi w.]

This, in my mind, falls under the topic of how women explain or justify too much, as a generalization.

It's irrelevant her motivation. Maybe she's a wanna-be hairdresser with a bent towards 'fashion'; maybe she was in the past (that 'flat' comment has me thinking in that way). Maybe she has bought into all this fashion stuff.

And what if she is jealous, or envious, or a mean weanie? You can't fix her problem in this area.

All you can do is damper it.

As in:
1. Don't talk hair anything around her of your own accord, even if commenting to others yet she is some measure of proximity.

2. Don't flash hair tools.

3. If she slips in, look at her insanely and turn away and keep talking to your target audience.

4. If you are courageous, be blunt back: "I'm sorry, I don't recall this conversation was including you" "I don't recall asking your opinion. Things that make me go hmmm." OR "You know, my real friends have nice things to say." OR if you really want to go there, "Who are you?" OR , "You're really showing your nasty side, are you aware of that?" OR "Thank you for your opinion." and then turn away and IGNORE HER. My personal fave is to give the eye and state, "Projecting again?"

5. You could pull her aside and let her know that you don't appreciate her commentary. But it may inflame her more. You could let her know that it's none of your business what she thinks of your hair.

In short, don't explain, justify, educate. That's not your job when someone is barely civil to you. That's utterly the wrong tact to take, whatever you opt to do. IN such situations, when we explain, justify, educate, we give the other too much CREDIBILITY. Commentary like this doesn't deserve that level of recognition.

So, take heart. This all says MUCH MORE about who she is than who you are or what you do or don't look like. This is a projection of herself.

You must be bold and confident in ALL of who you are, and do not take such nastiness to heart, not even to believe it insulting. Life gets a whole lot easier when we see with clarity the way of a person, and the easiest way to do that is to not BUY INTO something and assume it's so personal. It's easier then to remain emotionally unmoved and centered.

This takes practice though. It did me.

Trust me, someone's unhappy and it isn't you. Don't let her unhappiness transfer onto you. This isn't your issue.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Uh, and yes, there's a fair number of people that "act out" when they're jealous that you have a certain somebody's attention (the guy that she likes?).

Let's hope she grows up. Most unattractive to be this way.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

As for beatch behavior, the only way to deal with it sometimes is to
(a) take the higher ground AND IGNORE IT.
(b) and in rarer circumstances, scratch right back somehow. Let her know you aren't fair game.

Choosing the way may mean strategizing on your own time. You have to know what she's likely to do if you say/do X....you have to play the whole thing out, to see if it's really worth it. Strategy can include how you will go about IGNORING it. Generally best to ignore it.

I had an early learning situation on this point. Boys in my first grade got into my lunchbox and found my spare underwear in there and delighted in tossing it round the playground above my head. UNTIL day 3, when I ignored them. Somehow, it wasn't so fun to do that since I wasn't playing my role of embarassment, shame, upset, hurt, screaming, yadda. I remember realizing it was ok with me if they played with my spare pair. (I figured it was time they knew what underwear looked like anyway.)

It takes maturity to not take things so personal.

These days, more and more, I only get upset when my paycheck is messed with, or somehow my home is threatened. If someone wants to envy my hair or act out over my hair for some perceived attention I'm getting that they're not getting, well, they can figure all that out on their own how to get what they want--that's up to them, but I don't allow anyone to treat me uncivilly. I don't give anyone that power. Have they done so in the past--absolutely. But I learned to not buy into it. It helps to make ignoring it so much easier.

I have mastered the art of ignoring people as a way of silently communicating my displeasure with you.

heidi w.

[young&reckless]

I condone violence. Punch her and walk away. :twisted:


:patrol: Just tell her to back off, don't ever let someone like her bring you down, you know your hair is beautiful.

[Toadstool]

say "some of your comments seem like insults to me. Am I misunderstanding your intent?" and then look her in the eyes while she answers. Hopefully:

1) if she knows she's being bitchy but feels bad about when you call her out on it, she'll quit.
2) if she doesn't know she's being bitchy she'll realize it and quit.
3) if she knows she's being bitchy and doesn't feel bad about it, she might back down because you're not an easy target anymore.

I think I would try this one.

[Toadstool]

- "I'm sorry but if you think you're being helpful giving advice, but you're not and most of the time you just sound offensive."

I'm a fairly up front kind of a person:)

Just read this one and I think it's also a great response. It's direct, non-confrontational and honest.

[heidi w.]

Most of the time I correct her rather politely, and explain that I like my hair the way it is. I'm deeply afraid that she's just the kind of person that tries to give advice but it ends up sounding in the worst of ways, and I don't want to snap at her for that reason.

I'm basically asking if there's any other perspectives I could see this from before I act.

Yes, she has issues.

That's the perspective.

This isn't really about you: it's about her.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

SNARK WARNING
Dare I suggest you share what the guy said to you about her hair?

"Really?, John thinks your hair looks like a haystack!"

oooooo....
Can't really throw friends under the bus, though.

No, don't do that. But revenge fantasies can be fun. <snark>

ACTUA-LEEE, I'd decide in my noodle to make her a friend. Yep. I would. A friend enough that she won't say this.

What about, "I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad day, hope things get better for you!" With spirit and a smile. Polyanna. Because she must be having a bad day if she's that worked up about your hair.

No matter what she'd say back, it'd look silly. Do it in front of a group. Peer pressure has wonderful effects in such situations. She's clearly motivated by peer pressure from the fashion industry.

Really, just ignore her. It's the easiest thing to do and the most likely to produce the best results, no matter what happens next -- up to and including actually making some level of friend with her.

I mean, maybe she is lonely!

heidi w.

[Renbirde]

Turnabout is fair play! Every time she gives you one of those rude little quips, mimic her, but turn it around. Try to keep the mannerisms and tone of voice-- it's totally infuriating. :3

"Well if you want to look less like a haystack, you might consider..."


Tell her to stuff it and get your gift mouse on! :D She's an idiot.

[prittykitty]

She is taking a toll on you because you are allowing it to happen. I would say ignore her but ignoring some people doesn't work. It seems that they can get a thrill out of that too. Next time she makes a comment on your hair just simply smile at her and say "right on." Kill her with kindness. When she tries to tell you how to improve your hair, give her the same thing back. Smile and tell her that you have always wondered what her real hair color looks like and how a darker color can make her facial features stand out better. If she talks about the condition of your hair, simply tell her that her hair seems rather dried out and fried and that you would like to recommend some products that may help. One thing I notice that shuts these types up is the next time you see her, ask her if she got her hair cut and before she can say anything, tell her that it looks good. She may tell you that she did not get her hair cut. In this event, tell her that it looks a little shorter. Then tell her it may just be the damage she has going on and that her hair may be breaking off making it look shorter. Usually after a comment like this you won't get anymore from her.

Another way is to simply tell her that if you wanted her opinion you would have asked for it.

[heidi w.]

OK, after thinking for a bit....

At some point, you have to be just you and happy with you, and not moved by someone's remarks -- whether a compliment OR an insult. In a context.

I completely get we all have feelings about how people treat us, but part of being a true fully mature Adult is not responding with a baser instincts, which I think is what you really seek.

You want to stick to who you are, a kind, gracious, generous person.

If that's your value system, then I still do NOT recommend 'explaining'. For such persons this only empowers them because you gave them credibility, as previously outlined.

BUT you can civilly shut it down in a polite way. That's why the suggestion of not being catty back but rather either say
Nothing
OR
Take a higher middle ground as in, "I can tell you're having a bad day. I hope things improve for you soon." keeps you centered and puts her on alert that you are aware of PRECISELY WHO she is.

She'll think you silly or an idiot for such a remark, but it packs its own punch.

Sometimes the best way to be truly gracious is to give the grievance no room to exist in the light of day.

Ignore such people.

When they can't hit their mark, they most often go away all on their own.

heidi w.

[vindo]

I don't say this often but she is 100% envious of your improvements.
Some people with badly treated and damaged hair would like to change that but can't...it can be an addiction as well as the fact that those people often lack the commitment to do that.

So she has many things do dislike here....
Since she is this blatanly mean, I would be telling her the truth and how awful her hair looks. Not in an arguement...just calmly tell her that you found her behaviour weird for a while and tell her what you think her problem is.
Sadly...one thing is half true, many people consider damaged and very styled hair pretty...:shrug:

[rusika1]

I was in the middle of commenting last night when LHC went away. Let's try again.

It sounds to me like she's jealous. Not of your hair, but of your friendship with the guy she's interested in. She's figured out that nasty remarks about your hair bother you, so she's taking advantage of that.

Have you ever heard about the phase "why, bless your heart" being used as a polite version of "go to h-ll" or "drop dead"? you could try your own version of this--"Why, thank you so much for your concern. That's so nice of you." Practice saying this with a big smile and as much fake 'sincerity' as you can manage. It will almost certainly drive her crazy if you do it often.


Of course, there's always the variation, delivered in exactly the same manner--"Why, thank you so much for your concern, but what makes you think I care?"

[Olivia23]

I have a supposed friend who is almost the same way but not quite as rude. I know this friend had very long thick hair and she used to put down anybody else who was trying to grow theirs long also. She would tell me how thick hers was and mine was thin. WTF??? I have very thick hair and whenever I used to go to different hairdressers they would say my hair was very thick. Also another girl at my work was growing her hair out. I asked ger how long it was and she took her hair down to show me. This girl exclaimed how very thin this girls hair was and she could not do the same hairstyle as her due to her hair being so long and thick. Now this girls hair was not as thick as ours was, but it was still beautiful because it was so wavy and shiny. I commented how pretty her hair was while all the other girl did was make negative comments about it and talked about how pretty her own hair was. She does this with everyone! If someone makes a comment about another persons hair, she will start talking about her hair.

Recently she got it all chopped off to shoulder length (it was classic length) and everyone was shocked. Now all she can talk about is how much healthier her hair is. Basically there are people like this everywhere you go and you just have to take it all in stride. Some people cannot stand for others to get any attention and they try to put them down and re-direct that attention to them. These types of people never grow up and you just deal with it or you can make rude comments back to them, but in my opinion, it does nit help any.

[GoldLady]

I think I'd skip going into attack mode.

A 'wow, that was harsh,' and maybe a look, when she says these comments will shut her down sooner rather than later and won't draw you in.

[Kiraela]

If confronting her with her behavior does not work, IE, if you ask if she is intending to be insulting and she still continues, I'd suggest a different tactic. The way I was raised, the phrase "That's nice..." with a sarcastic tone and a smile, roughly translates to " go *expletive* with a *noun* and shove it up your *expletive*"... So any time she says something about your hair, simply say, "That's nice..." and give her a cold little smile. It'll make you feel better, and you can be the avatar of basement cat with a gift mouse!

[Yozhik]

My advice: don't stoop to her level with a mean retort.

She's definitely jealous, so the best solution I can see is:
1) ignoring her
2) get your guy friend who she likes to vocally comment on how pretty your hair is in front of her. Then she won't feel like she's able to insult it without getting in his bad graces ;)

[Runzel]

If you would like to address the issue kindly, I would suggest, after the next comment, you ask "Do you realize that your words are hurtful?"

[Little_Bird]

I would just tell her to shut up! Politely tough. Next time she tells you your hair is this or your hair needs that, you can tell her she needs to stop coloring it and cut it all off because it's very damaged, and that your perception of beautyfull hair is not one that needs hours of processing to look good... yours simply does.

When people tall me I should cut my hair, my favorite reply is "your should let yours grow!". It's just as easy ;)

Please don't take these comments to heart, I really think she's just being mean, and I think it's because she's jealous. I wish you the best luck at sheking her off your legs..... :flower:

[rchorr]

Women are particularly catty ... especially when we're not feeling good about ourselves. This sounds like jealousy, to me. You can be catty back (which I am, if they catch me at the wrong time of the month :silly:), or you can take the high ground. Either way, you are the winner, because you have the lovely hair!

RCHORR'

[Katurday]

I'm sorry I haven't been on in a while, it has been crazy with the school work lately. I cannot possibly explain the gratitude I feel for my dear LHC members for all their support. Any and all comments were wonderful, from the sassy ones, straight to the sarcastically sweet. Being a fairly peaceful little hippie, I decided to "take the high road" so to speak, and the next time I am provoked, I will simply point out that I didn't ask for her comments and that they are hurting my feelings, but am appreciative of her effort in trying to help me, even if I don't want the help in the future. Overall, I'll try to avoid her as much as I can, because I realize this girl has been manipulative and cruel in many other ways than this. (She tried using her "sweet" voice to manipulate my boyfriend into doing a science project for her - he turned her down quite brutally, bless his soul) I am not one for making enemies, and I will be perfectly polite, albeit cold and impersonal.

Anyway, as a member whom does not post too often or have many LHC friends, I was skeptical about approaching you dear people with my problem, but you have proven your reputation as one of the most wonderful groups of people on earth. The compliments I will cherish forever, as they were truly given by the most beautiful ladies (and gents) on the internet.

Eternal thanks.:blossom::heartbeat

[3azza]

I would do the same thing if i were you. Never mind her, envious people like that hurt us but on the other side let us know that we have something good enough for them to envy.

[Talma]

I agree with the others who say she's jealous. If your hair is shiny and healthy and her's looks like she just tried to stick a fork in a toaster and got zapped in return, then she's jealous!! Plain and simple. Some people try their best to put you down so that it will build them up. The trick is: don't let them!!! It's amazing what people will do or say when they are envious of you. Next time she says you should get a pixie to cut off the damaged hair ask her "Oh yeah? Is that what you're going to do with your hair?"

[Sissy]

geez, is this a uni? or a junior high school? If this girl is in Uni it will seriously bug me. I think her comments are really childish and hint of jealousy or a low self-esteem. She might think her hair is all that but in a few years it will break off from the damage of constant abuse... then see who's smiling :D

I'm sorry that her comments are getting to you. I too, am a person who lets comments get to me. I try not to but it just seems in my nature. I hope things will get better in this situation for you.

[Unofficial_Rose]

I was in the middle of commenting last night when LHC went away. Let's try again.

It sounds to me like she's jealous. Not of your hair, but of your friendship with the guy she's interested in. She's figured out that nasty remarks about your hair bother you, so she's taking advantage of that.

Have you ever heard about the phase "why, bless your heart" being used as a polite version of "go to h-ll" or "drop dead"? you could try your own version of this--"Why, thank you so much for your concern. That's so nice of you." Practice saying this with a big smile and as much fake 'sincerity' as you can manage. It will almost certainly drive her crazy if you do it often.


Of course, there's always the variation, delivered in exactly the same manner--"Why, thank you so much for your concern, but what makes you think I care?"

What an excellent idea. You could even say (along the same lines) "How sweet of you" then do a big smile, with just little bitty hint of psycho about it. ;)

[Bonkers57]

I like this direct approach myself - hehehehe! :thumbsup:


Maybe you should ask her if she's seen how awful her hair looks. If you're blunt enough, it may just shut her up.