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SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:00 PM
My Mom hates my new hair. I oil it with coconut oil and use catnip and it makes my hair really shiny.

My Mom said it was too shiny and it made it look like my hair was blacker. She says I should dye my hair brown because black is not a nice colour. This is sad because she is Asian too and she thinks black hair is ugly. I personally love my deep black hair. I like it more shiny. My Mom said my blacker, shinier hair looks unnatural and fake, which is a total mystery to me because I am using natural products on my hair and I have not dyed my hair a deeper black, this is my natural hair colour. I guess the shine makes it seem blacker.

I think my Mom hates Asian hair. She used to perm my hair when I was little. It totally fried my hair. I used to think split ends and horribly tangly hair was normal. Now without the damage my hair doesn't tangle and I can't find a single split end.

I just wish my Mom would be more supportive instead of telling me I am making my hair uglier.

Weird how she thinks perms and lightening my hair will make it seem more natural when that is the opposite of what it is doing. My natural hair IS black and my natural hair is STRAIGHT. I think my Mom has something against Asian hair. She herself has short permed hair. I personally think it is damaged.

Siava
October 4th, 2009, 02:03 PM
Aww, hon. Don't let your mom wreck your self image. It's a shame she's projecting her dislikes onto you, but as the saying goes around here, you are not here to decorate her world. You do what you like. If you think your hair looks good, that's all that matters. *virtual hugs*

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:07 PM
Thanks Siava. It is hard sometimes because I live with my Mom and she is always getting on my case about how my hair is too black and shiny now.

You're right, I think she is projecting her dislikes onto me. It's my hair and I will wear it the way I want..

Sissy
October 4th, 2009, 02:17 PM
Thanks Siava. It is hard sometimes because I live with my Mom and she is always getting on my case about how my hair is too black and shiny now.

You're right, I think she is projecting her dislikes onto me. It's my hair and I will wear it the way I want..

yes, it sounds like that's what she's doing. Hopefully, in time, she will accept your hair for what it is or at least keep the nasty comments to herself.

Dachsdragon
October 4th, 2009, 02:18 PM
I think your hair is absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately because we are so close with our mums they think its ok to have opinions that they should keep to themselves. They don't realise how hurtful some of those opinions can be.

spidermom
October 4th, 2009, 02:20 PM
What a miserable person she must be! It's your hair, and she doesn't get a vote. By your avatar, I think your hair looks gorgeous.

You could turn it back on her and say hers looks too brown and isn't shiny enough.

When I was about 11/12 years old, my mother decided that my hair looked too fake because it would bleach out to a white-blonde shade in the summer, then I'd have darker roots in the winter. So she started bleaching my hair with a product called Summer Blonde so that it wouldn't look bleached. Crazy!

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:23 PM
Yeah, thanks for the support. I just wish my Mom liked my natural hair just the way it is. I never say bad things about her hair.

linda g
October 4th, 2009, 02:25 PM
Aw, I'm sorry to hear your mom has that attitude :( There is nothing wrong with your hair (it is gorgeous!), but it sounds like she has a hard time accepting her own cultural background, which is a very sad thing.

When I was a kid, I wanted "Asian hair" like some of my friends had, but alas, it was brown and wavy, and not deep black and glossy. So you have my dream hair. :flower:

Siava
October 4th, 2009, 02:27 PM
I know exactly how you feel. My mom did the exact same thing (except her chosen color for me was blonde). It finally got to the point a few years ago that I simply couldn't take it anymore. I was in tears and completely unloaded, letting her know how hurtful and hateful I found her snippy comments to be, how good I always felt until she badmouthed my decisions, and then I reminded her that I thought she was beautiful no matter what her hair looked like. I never ever questioned her hair coloring/styling choices. If anything I always complimented, so made sure to put emphasis on those facts. Now, she rarely ever says anything about my hair and when she does all I have to do is give her "the look" and she apologizes.

It's highly likely that your mom doesn't realize the effect her words have on you.

spidermom
October 4th, 2009, 02:27 PM
Yeah, thanks for the support. I just wish my Mom liked my natural hair just the way it is. I never say bad things about her hair.

And that makes you the better person. If you've already told her that listening to criticism about your hair hurts your feelings, and she keeps it up, that's mean. I don't think it would be out of line to tell her you've already heard her opinion and don't need to hear it again. Or at least "please stop; you already told me this."

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:27 PM
That is pretty crazy, very contradicting. lol Bleach to make it look not bleached?

My Mom started perming my hair at a very young age. I remember going to kindergarten with frizzy puffy hair. It was very damaged. My poor hair. Sigh. At least the damage is gone now. I wish I had natural soft children's hair back then instead of the damaged frizz ball I lived with.

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:32 PM
Siava, Yeah, Mom's can be pretty hard to deal with sometimes. They always seem to think their way of doing things is the best and only way.

It is hurtful when someone thinks you need to change your natural self in order to look good. You'd think Mom's would be more accepting. :/

ericthegreat
October 4th, 2009, 02:37 PM
Wow. It looks like your mom is very critical about how you look and I'm sure also with other decisions you've made in your life Sandy. Maybe whenever you finally get your own place to live, she'll see you as more of an adult. For now, I'd say that you should simply focus on the good things she does for you. She's allowing you to stay with her, I'm sure you get to eat regularly, and I definitely know she wants you to succeed in life. She's not perfect, but neither is my mom and I love her to death.

Actually, I do see why your mom would feel that jet black hair isn't so attractive looking. As you know, I myself recently had my own hair lightened and highlighted because I myself feel that jet black is too dark a color for me personally. I love my new lighter, warmer color it matches my personality on the inside. Also, my own mom also loves my new color, she also loves lighter hair colors and says that my new color suits me better! :p

Maybe your mom feels the same way. You could (gently and nicely) tell her that you have a different opinion than she does. Actually, if you do well in your education or do well in your job, I'm sure she worries much more about that than about your hair.

SHELIAANN1969
October 4th, 2009, 02:42 PM
What I find sad is, your moms negativity of black/straight hair didn't come from herself, she had to have had it drilled into her head when she was young, she must have felt that her own natural beauty wasn't beautiful. :(

Instead of being resentful or angry with her, put yourself in her shoes/frame of mind to see *why* she feels this way.

Maybe if you ask her, she will tell you why she feels this way. Tell her that no matter what, we all have our own look and don't need to look like someone else and that we're all beautiful, yeah, I know it sounds hokey, but it's true.

I feel bad that your mom has never been able to enjoy her own natural beauty and worse, has been made to feel that she isn't beautiful enough and needs to change. :(

Dreamernz
October 4th, 2009, 02:44 PM
I'm sorry to hear how this is upsetting you, but I suggest you speak to her about it and explain how it's making you feel, chances are she doesn't fully realise the impact of her ramblings on you. If all else fails, I'd make a joke about it and tease her about her hair. Don't take it too seriously! Alternatively talk about your hair soooo much that it becomes such a boring subject, it doesn't come up anymore :D I did that with my mum (albeit unintentionally) and she's a hairdresser! :D:D:D

little_acorn
October 4th, 2009, 02:50 PM
Sandystar your hair is beautiful and such a lovely glossy black. I truely wanted hair like yours when I was younger (I've now learnt to love my own).

Mums can be harsh and over critical, but please try and ignor what she says about your hair and just hear her concern and love. When my mum does these kind of things, I tell her thank you for her love and concern about whatever it is about me she dislikes at the time but also tell her that its my choice and I may change my mind later.

Virtual hugs :flower:

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:51 PM
Eric, I'm glad you like your new hair colour. I looked at your album and it really suits you. I'm glad your Mom likes it too.

Sheliaann, I didn't think of it that way. When you think of it that way, it is pretty sad that she grew up thinking her hair wasn't pretty enough. Thanks for making me see this in a different light.

Dreamnernz, I really don't like conflict much, but I will try to let her know that I don't like it when she critisizes my hair.

LittleOrca
October 4th, 2009, 02:52 PM
I think you hair is wonderful. I envy Asian hair.

Family does not always support what I do with my hair either. Thanks to the LHC though, I have found that it's ok for them not to like what I do so long as I like what I do. I am sure I have always known that on some level, but hearing it come from people I respect on the LHC didn't hurt to help it sink in. :)

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:53 PM
Little acorn, that is an excellent way of talking to my Mom. I know she really loves me a lot and probably thinks she is helping. I'll try to word things to let her know I recognize she is just concerned.

SandyStar
October 4th, 2009, 02:54 PM
Thanks Little Orca, LHC is great. I really feel good about treating my hair better now.

ambychelle
October 4th, 2009, 02:55 PM
As a mom, I love being able to style my daughters hair and when she's old enough to make her own decisions on how to care for it, I'm sure I'll have some mixed feelings about what she wants to do.

It's entirely possible that your mom didn't like her Asian hair as a kid. Maybe it set her apart from other kids?

I'm absolutly positive that in her own way, she says those things out of love. Maybe she felt enourmously better about herself when she was able to change her hair and she somehow feels that you'd be happier if your hair weren't so "Asian" too. Just remember that her childhood was probably very different than yours and may have left her with deep seated ideas about how she should style her hair.

To me, the most beautiful hair is natural and healthy hair. To me, the issue isn't long or short, straight or curly.. it's that it's healthy. I think that is one of the reasons children tend to have the most beautiful hair.. because of it's health.

I think your hair is lovely and the shine is amazing.

If you are close to your mom, you might want to find out what her hair was like as a kid and how she felt about it. It might provide insight.

Lamb
October 4th, 2009, 02:57 PM
I think your mom's remarks reveal a lot of how insecure she feels about her racial background, and that is very, very sad. :( From what I hear, several people with coarse, curly, African-American hair have to face the same kind of pressure to change their hair.
Your head, your hair, your heritage. If you are comfortable with them, keep them and the world's well lost! :)

friskybiznus
October 4th, 2009, 03:02 PM
I agree with what the others have said. Your hair is gorgeous and so is your spirit. Your mom sounds very wounded and unfotunately, she is projecting those wounds onto you. Hang in there.

RubyRose
October 4th, 2009, 03:02 PM
Personally, I'm so happy to see someone who is happy with who they are. It must have been hard for you to have that opinion when you were raised to have a much more negative one.
As a redhead, it hurts me everytime I see a girl who has struggled to cover her strawberry locks with a sheet of black.
I applaude you for embracing your heritage and your natural self. Never hide what makes you unique!

lora410
October 4th, 2009, 03:04 PM
How sad. I envy the fact you have natural black hair; I use henna and indigo to make mine black. I did find when I did the dye bottle black it was wayyy to dark. My henna and indigo make it look natural. Please don't dye your beautiful hair. the shine and color is simply stunning!!

RavennaNight
October 4th, 2009, 03:26 PM
What a miserable person she must be! It's your hair, and she doesn't get a vote. By your avatar, I think your hair looks gorgeous.

You could turn it back on her and say hers looks too brown and isn't shiny enough.

When I was about 11/12 years old, my mother decided that my hair looked too fake because it would bleach out to a white-blonde shade in the summer, then I'd have darker roots in the winter. So she started bleaching my hair with a product called Summer Blonde so that it wouldn't look bleached. Crazy!

Wow this strikes such a chord with me! My mom did the same thing except with Sun-In! My hair would burn off as I would blowfry it!

Sandystar I am sorry your mom doesn't like your natural hair! It looks gorgeous and you have that glass shine that anyone with black hair chases after!

rchorr
October 4th, 2009, 03:28 PM
I LOVE hair that's so black it's almost blue! I'm sorry your mom doesn't like your hair. My mom never liked mine much, either. She had no problem with the color, but she HATED long hair.

It's hard when family members don't like something that's important to us. But, in the long run, they have to accept our choices that we make for ourselves.

RCHORR'

Silver & Gold
October 4th, 2009, 03:29 PM
Your hair is beautiful and if your mother doesn't see this it is probably due to some kind of ethnic shame that has unfortunately ingrained itself inside of her.

Every mother wants their daughter to be the best she can be, and for some mothers this means conforming to a standard of beauty that they believe will get their daughter to be better accepted in society.

I guess what I'm saying is that your mother cares about you but she is misguided in her thinking. Therefore just love your mother as she is and love your hair the way it is. Perhaps in time your patience with your mother while you calmly persist in doing what you think is best will teach your mother an important lesson. That we are all beautiful in our own way. Just as each different flower has it's own unique beauty.

I've taught my elders lessons over time by using this method and my own children teach me as they live their lives and make their choices. Love and acceptance is the key. If she can't accept your hair right now, you just accept her limitations in this area and move on.

Melisande
October 4th, 2009, 04:01 PM
Dear Sandy, from what you tell, it seems your mother has serious issues with herself, her heritage and her own looks. One might say she internalized Racist messages about socially desirable and undesirable looks. In that sense, your mum is a victim of a horribly warped beauty ideal that began and started with Western beauty. And everything else that didn't fit had to be made fit. That is sad.

Your mother doesn't seem to have the mental power or courage to reflect about this - her whole world view would implode and she would maybe have to cry about the young girl or young woman she was, always supressing what she was, hiding it, "improving" it.

That's sad, and even sadder that even her love for you doesn't make her understand. SHE gave you your black shiney beautiful hair, a treasure of Asian beauty admired by Western women and men for generations! And you honor this, you accept it, you see its beauty, you don't wear the false colors of foreign beauty ideals any more. If you will ever wish to change your hair color, you will do so not because you want to conform to something but because you want to express yourself, experiment or just play around.

You are free, your mother is not. Try to see it as part of a bigger pattern. When your mother was young, she caved in to pressure and changed her looks. She thinks now that she didn't give in but that it's her personal taste. She has invested in this beauty ideal. You can't take it from her.

Ask her for pictures from your grandmother's and great-grandmother's generation. Tell her that you love the way their (hopefully...) un-permed hair looked.

And forgive her for the pain she causes you. I'm a mother myself. We don't get perfect beings just for having children and being mothers. And we don't' always know that we inflict pain. Your mother has her own issues, and you challenge her long-held beliefs about how Asian women have to look. She feels defensive about this challenge, and attacking you is her kind of defense...

A close friend of mine has a very similar problem - it took her years to discover the heritage her parents discarded hastily when they arrived in a new country. Forgive me if I project her problems on your case but the parallels were too strong to overlook.

jasper
October 4th, 2009, 04:12 PM
Your hair really is beautiful. If your mom brings it up, I suggest saying you'll give her ideas some thought and then to change the subject as quickly as you can.

curls2grow
October 4th, 2009, 04:47 PM
Your hair is stunning, SandyStar! Do what you like, that makes you feel most attractive and confident.

My mother used to make comments about my hair, that it was too dark (it was only dyed dark brown) and that I needed highlights. I tried highlights when *i* was ready for them (years after she started hounding me). And I didn't love them so I stopped. She started up again with the highlight comments. Finally one day I told her that if she thinks highlights are so great that she should get some! Her hair is almost all white. :p She stopped bugging me about highlights after that.

clairenewcastle
October 4th, 2009, 05:40 PM
Perhaps your mother doesn't realise just how hurtful her comments towards you are. She has her own issues to deal with in respect to her hair, but remember that they are HER views not yours. Your hair is stunning. Wear it as you want to wear it. With time she'll accept that you are your own person and that your hair is a part of that individuality.

windinherhair
October 4th, 2009, 06:08 PM
Ohh, I feel for you! I know it is nice to have your mom's appreciation for what you are doing with your hair. But a reaction like that don't take to heart and keep doing what you want to do with your hair. That is wonderful you already love the natural hair you have.

I have talked on the phone with my mom about what I am doing with mine. I haven't seen her since March, and I may not until next Spring so I am really curious how she will like it when she sees it and not just talking about it. I am curious what my grandmother (mother's mom) would have thought since she always liked for my mom to have hers styled (permed, etc).

embee
October 4th, 2009, 07:46 PM
My mom thought my hair was ugly when I was a child too. I had perms and lightners and all that stuff...

It's a shame your mom seems to dislike her Asian heritage. It's the way so many people were brought up in the past, with shame of what and who they were, and since they could *not* fix who and what they were they tried every way to hide it.

Perhaps there will be a way to talk to her about this, to find out where she is coming from? It might please her to learn that you do not feel shame about your background.

Might it ease her mind if you wear your hair up most of the time when you're around home? It is good for your hair and maybe it would keep the color from bothering her so much? Not be "in her face", if you know what I mean. Maybe....

I think your hair is lovely and it's fine that you can love it the way it is naturally. It tells me that you are ok with who you are and who your people were. :)

busnutmedic
October 4th, 2009, 08:12 PM
Oh dear *sigh*. I am so sorry.

You have beautiful hair, and I love shiny black hair!

~GypsyCurls~
October 4th, 2009, 08:23 PM
I'm upset to hear this! :( You do have lovely hair, and I'm glad you enjoy it. Most black hair that doesn't look good is dyed, and is often dull. I tried dyeing my hair black several times in hopes of getting shiny, deep black hair but it always turned out really dull. It sounds like your mom is being insecure and is trying to bring you down where she is.

Liluri
October 4th, 2009, 08:30 PM
I love your hair! I've dyed my hair numerous times to get that natural deep black colour. I hope your Mom can see that you love your hair and it's healthy.

camirra555
October 4th, 2009, 08:59 PM
I think your hair looks great! I find thick black Asian hair really pretty. I know it's hard but like some of the other members have suggested try talking to her about it and maybe you guys will reach an understanding. Hope it all works out for you!

adiapalic
October 4th, 2009, 10:26 PM
I think your hair is absolutely stunning. I wish you well on possibly communicating with your mother about the unresolved issues that underlie her grudge against natural Asian hair.

I'm envious of your silky and shiny dark hair :flower:

longhairedfairy
October 4th, 2009, 10:59 PM
My Mom hates my new hair. I oil it with coconut oil and use catnip and it makes my hair really shiny.

My Mom said it was too shiny and it made it look like my hair was blacker. She says I should dye my hair brown because black is not a nice colour. This is sad because she is Asian too and she thinks black hair is ugly. I personally love my deep black hair. I like it more shiny. My Mom said my blacker, shinier hair looks unnatural and fake, which is a total mystery to me because I am using natural products on my hair and I have not dyed my hair a deeper black, this is my natural hair colour. I guess the shine makes it seem blacker.

I think my Mom hates Asian hair. She used to perm my hair when I was little. It totally fried my hair. I used to think split ends and horribly tangly hair was normal. Now without the damage my hair doesn't tangle and I can't find a single split end.

I just wish my Mom would be more supportive instead of telling me I am making my hair uglier.

Weird how she thinks perms and lightening my hair will make it seem more natural when that is the opposite of what it is doing. My natural hair IS black and my natural hair is STRAIGHT. I think my Mom has something against Asian hair. She herself has short permed hair. I personally think it is damaged.
What? Straight, pitch-black Asian hair is so beautiful! Why alter perfection?

marikamt
October 5th, 2009, 09:27 AM
too shiny.... hmmmm, what a problem to have... that is a like a diamond being too sparkly or too big :lol:
She obviously is dealing with an issue she has (no disrespect intended), but you should view it as a compliment...
CONGRATULATIONS on your happy, healthy too shiny hair!!!!!! :toast:

SandyStar
October 5th, 2009, 09:59 AM
Ambychelle, thanks, when my Mom was very young I know she had straight hair, but I think she started getting it permed as a teen. Back then perms involved heat and was even more damaging to hair than it is now. I might ask her about how she felt about her hair back then.

Lamb, I don't know if my Mom is insecure about her racial background, but it does seem like she feels Caucasians are the ideal for beauty.

Friskybiznus, thanks, I think she is projecting too. Your hair is so long, you're make it to tailbone soon.

RubyRose, thanks, my Mom never made me feel ugly or anything, but she was very concerned about our appearance. I remember she used to put make-up on me and my sister when we were just 5 to 10 years old. Redheads rock. Lots of people would kill to be a natural redhead. :)

Lora, thanks, I'm glad you found a way to make your hair darker and still look natural. I might look into natural dyes myself some day. Your hair is also stunning. It's so long and looks so soft.

RavennaNight: Thanks. I wonder if many parents put Sun In in their children's hair?

rchorr: Yep, family members will just have to accept the way I wear my hair. I told my Mom I am growing my hair long and I hope she accepts that.

Silver & Gold: Thanks, I think you're right, my Mom just wants me to be the best I can be. She is just misguided. I really love her a lot. I love the colour of your hair in your signature by the way. Your hair is so thick looking too.

Melisande: I think it is possible my Mom internalized racist messages. I have changed my hair colour before, but I think I have setting upon liking healthy hair and healthy hair is black for me. It is unfortunate, but there is tons I don't know about my culture. The bun in your avatar looks very interesting.

jasper: Thanks, changing subjects sounds like one good way to deal with it. Did your camera's red eye reducer make your hair redder?

curls2grow: Thanks. I'm glad your mother stopped bugging you about highlights. Your curls are stunning.

clairenewcastle: Thanks. I agree, my Mom has issues. I will wear my hair as I wish.

windinherhair: Thanks. I won't take her comments to heart. I do hope your Mom likes your hair though.

embee: Thanks, sorry your Mom thought your hair was ugly when you were little. I am thinking of wearing my hair up just to protect it.

busnutmedic: Thanks Your hair looks beautiful. It looks super shiny and is so long.

GypsyCurls: Thanks. Did you use box dyes when you dyed it black? Maybe natural indigo dying would make it shiny. I love your curls.

Liluri: Thanks

camirra: Thanks, Your curls look great too.

adiapalic: Thanks. The hair in your avatar is absolutely goregous!

longhairedfairy: Thanks. I think all kinds of hair are beautiful. Is that your pet hedgehog? It is sooooo cute!

Pegasus Marsters
October 5th, 2009, 06:25 PM
I just looked at your blog and your hair is gorgeous. Yes, it's very dark, but that's not surprising if you're Asian. Personally I think it looks beautiful and healthy. :)