Hairstylist and unsupportive sister...I feel so sad :(

[Lemur_Catta]

Today I went to the same hairstylist that made my hair orange a year ago. I only wanted to cut my fringe, so I figured they could not damage my hair too much.
I was wrong :(

It is a big salon, a very fashionable one, and my sister also goes there, so she told me to be quiet and not to argue with the stylist...I agreed because I am a quiet person and I don't like arguing, I figured I could just tell if something was wrong for me without being rude, which I did for example when they tried to wash my hair with REALLY HOT water.
Well, the salon is exactly as I remembered it: expensive shampoo, expensive conditioner ("How am I supposed to comb your hair without it?"), very hot blowdrying and not so gentle combing. When they finished, my hair was so dry I had to put TONS of shea butter in it.
What I didn't imagine is that they do not use scissors. They use razors instead, which cause MANY split ends. I am not very happy, but it is just a fringe, I can go and have it cut again (with scissors) in a month or so.

The real problem is my sister. She was waiting for me outside the salon, and she told me "Oh, at last your hair has a shape!". She always make rude comments about my hair. She thinks long hair is just ugly, and that if it has to be long, it should at least be spaghetti-like straight. She always says only old people wear updos (I always tell her to show me at least ONE old lady wearing a updo, as usually old women here have short and dyed hair, but she won't listen) and other mean things about my hair color and shape.
My hair has a shape. Its own shape. I am not going to change it only to make it more acceptable to the world.

My sister is 16, so she is quite young, and she has never accepted her curly, light brown hair. She has dyed it blond in the past, and now it is dark brown, and she always flatirons it. Her hair is layered, APL. It is "fashionable". My hair is not, but I am happy this way.
I don't know what to do, I don't think I will ever be able to make her change her mind but it would be nice if she just stopped making rude comments. There are many people among my family and friends who don't like my hair or don't think I should grow it, but they are kind enough to keep their thoughts to themselves.

[Lamb]

Uhhh, are you sure it's a good idea to as much as mention your hair to your sister (who sounds like she is going through the bitchy stage of her teens), let alone let her come with you to your salon appointment??
You are the older sister - put her in her place! :smirk:

[Maddy25]

awww. That is very rude of her to say, but it's only her oppinion. I used to have the same problem with members of my family saying my hair was dull and boring and had no stlye when it was long, I gave into them and got it cut on a vacation to paris and they were all pleased but I wasnt, trying to conform to what others think you should be is terrible, you should be happy being yourself. Just stick to what you believe in and do what you want :) Its your hair, stay confident and strong in your decision to grow it out and if your sister gets nasty with you again just snap back with "At least I don't fry my hair!" :P

[Fractalsofhair]

Try a new salon! The "fashionable" ones tend to be the most annoying about such things. Is there one a lot of older(and by older I mean 80s+) go to? For simple hairstyles, I think that might be best.

I'm sorry about your sister, maybe you should ask her to compare how your hair feels to how her hair feels! I have an aunt who loves straight hair(to the point of obsessive flat ironing).

I've also always had problems with salons in the past.(Can I put highlights in your hair! Can I suggest a relaxer for 1b/c hair to make it more "manageable"(when my hair combs fairly easily!)! Can I thin your hair! Can I bleach your hair! Can I flat iron it at the least! Use our products!(Sneaking highlights into my hair when I'm not looking, or continuing with it when I'm sobbing and saying no...(As a minor, if they convince my mum and I'm too young to walk out, they can do stuff like that.) etc.) I finally found a decent hairdresser that actually listens and is OK with my bringing my own products in and such...

[Lemur_Catta]

Well I don't mention my hair - she does it :D When she walks into my bedroom and sees me watching some hair related videos on youtube, or putting my hair up, or when she sees vinegar\oil\anything "strange" I use on my hair, then I get a rude comment. Why can't she mind her own business?
Besides, her hair is shedding a lot and it is very damaged because of dyes and straightening, but she won't accept any advice from me! She comes to me complaining that she is losing hair, she steals my oils and puts them on her hair before shampoo (she also took my 50% evoo/50% co that I use for oil cleansing my face, why couldn't she just ask? -.-) but if I mention she could straighten her hair wrapping it in rollers or keep it curly, or anything else, she tell me to shut up. I am the one whose hair is not shedding, why does she come complaining but then doesn't listen to anything?

[Madame J]

Uhhh, are you sure it's a good idea to as much as mention your hair to your sister (who sounds like she is going through the bitchy stage of her teens), let alone let her come with you to your salon appointment??
You are the older sister - put her in her place! :smirk:

Heh. My sister is still going through the same stage -- and she's in her early twenties. Seriously, Lemur_Catta, your sister is probably not as fabulous as she thinks she is, and might even be jealous of those who don't feel they have to conform for social validation. I know I've preached non-snark before, but I have a serious personal problem avoiding it when it involves my younger sister (who always thinks she knows everything better). Try to feel smug and superior that you are a more mature young woman who doesn't feel the need to put other people down to build yourself up.

As far as stylists go, you are always welcome to contradict anything a stylist does. Even in very fashionable salons. I mean, do they want a client to go around complaining that this salon ruined her hair with scalding hot shampoo water and a razor? I think not. And if they give you attitude, well, that's the review they are going to get. When I was a kid I used to go to the barber shop to get my fringe trimmed because they always had sharp scissors, listened to the amount I wanted off, and didn't even have to wash my hair to do all this. I've had $10 trims at the barber shop that were done more carefully, and have taken more time, than a $60 salon cut with shampoo and blow-dry.

Good luck next time, and I hope you feel better.

(Oh, is there anyone in your sister's life who tries to tell her what to do with her appearance? When my mom gets on my case about something superficial, like shaving or getting my hair cut, I roll my eyes, and say thanks, and call her by her mother's name. My mom hates how her mother is always picking at her and telling her what to do, so it reminds her not to be the same way.)

[Maddy25]

Well I don't mention my hair - she does it :D When she walks into my bedroom and sees me watching some hair related videos on youtube, or putting my hair up, or when she sees vinegar\oil\anything "strange" I use on my hair, then I get a rude comment. Why can't she mind her own business?
Besides, her hair is shedding a lot and it is very damaged because of dyes and straightening, but she won't accept any advice from me! She comes to me complaining that she is losing hair, she steals my oils and puts them on her hair before shampoo (she also took my 50% evoo/50% co that I use for oil cleansing my face, why couldn't she just ask? -.-) but if I mention she could straighten her hair wrapping it in rollers or keep it curly, or anything else, she tell me to shut up. I am the one whose hair is not shedding, why does she come complaining but then doesn't listen to anything?

Since she is so young she is probably too insecure to wear her hair natural and to give up straightening/colouring, girls that age are usually very into trying to look like supermodels from magazines, not so much about natural beauty. She will probably learn as she gets older.

[Fencai]

Well, that's just not nice!!!!!!!

I would tell her, "Its my hair, I like it, and I would appreciate it that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all about it. I know how you feel and that's enough."

Being that she's 16 she hasn't experienced too many things. She'll be put in her place at some point.

[Lemur_Catta]

Thank you for your nice comments. I am not very worried about the salon, it was just the fringe, I was not going to let them touch the length, and I am not going back anyway (I only went there because there are not many open salons in August here, and I could not wait because I knew I will not have much time to go to the salon in the next few weeks).

I think I will need to be firmer with my sister about her comments. I love her very much, but she needs to grow up.

[rogue_psyche]

When a sibling is doing something hurtful, it can be really hard to swallow your pride and tell them face to face how you really feel. It's got to be done. If you tell her in a very serious, "I'm opening my heart to you" kind of way how her comments on your hair hurt you, then she probably will stop out of guilt. If she doesn't, then she's a terrible person and you should hide her straightening iron! :p

As for trendy salons: I suggest you learn how to trim your own bangs, even if they aren't just a simple straight-across type bang. Because YOU won't insist on washing your hair and then straighten/blow dry it so that it behaves nothing like it normally does. And YOU will use your own, sharp scissors. And YOU will cut your hair to suit your face. I get the best bangs I've ever had by cutting my own.

[Mutinous]

I feel your pain. I once had my hair cut with razors, and it freaking hurts. NEVER AGAIN.

Just be blunt with your sister. That's all I can say. Say its your hair and you will have it how you want it, and casually remind her how her 'stylish' hair is in bad condition and shedding all over the place. It sounds harsh, and maybe it is not the most mature way, but it sounds like she needs bringing down a peg or two when it comes to hair! (Of course I mean no offense to you or your sister, but I have a teenage sibling and this always works with me and we get on amazingly most of the time!)

[Lemur_Catta]

My sister just went into my bedroom, lay on my bed and told me, out of nowhere: "If you don't want to flatiron your hair, at least use straightening shampoo and conditioner". I told her I would not do that because they are full of cones, and that we have different ideas on hair so please if she has nothing nice to say, she should say nothing at all.
She said she only wanted to give advice, and I answered that since she will not accept advice from me, then I don't want advice from here, given the fact that, as I said earlier, we have different ideas on hair. Then I remembered her that her hair sheds and mine doesn't, and that perhaps she should stop flatironing and dying. She says her hair sheds because she lacks iron and vitamins (what an excuse! she could take a supplement just like me, but she is too lazy to do that and she doesn't even eat properly).
I hope she has understood that she hurts my feelings. I was very calm but firm with her, and she seemed to understand because she stopped talking about my hair. For now.

[spidermom]

You could always tell her "when you grow up a little and are more mature, you will understand."

[jivete]

I'm a snarky type, so I'd be more inclined to say something nasty, like "Thanks, but since your hair looks like ****, you should probably keep your opinion to yourself."

I don't believe in being rude to people, but if someone's going to say not so nice things to me, I tend to bite back harder.

[MsBubbles]

Sorry for the bad salon experience, Lemur Catta. It took me decades to learn my lesson and never go back! (thanks LHC, and Feye for the self-trim tips!).

I remember my sister greeting me as I stepped out of the salon back in 1988 after getting my BSL hair hacked and permed (think "Poodle"). I was crying and she got mad at me and said "Do you want me to get a paper bag to put over your head?".

May you gain your own sense of self, and distance from nosey family members soon...:D.

[Tess2319]

I hope she has understood that she hurts my feelings. I was very calm but firm with her, and she seemed to understand because she stopped talking about my hair. For now.

I would say let her know this, bluntly. "You are hurting my feelings. Please stop." Trying to explain your reasoning to her is pointless.

And your experience with the salon is why I hate having to find a new hairdresser. I, too, hate confrontations. And my hair hates being razor cut, too. I trim my own fringe, it's not too hard.

Here's a hug for you :grouphug:

[Melisande]

Lemur Catta, your sister continues as long as she feels she gains something with her remarks. What is her gain? even negative attention is welcome to immature attention-seekers, and teenagers are attention-seekers of the worst kind! (My daughter is 16...)

So don't feed her with attention any more. Laugh at what she has to say, and don't get angry. She said? So what! So she said!

You have your hair, she has her hair. Don't try to teach her. Let her do what she wants. Nobody learns from the experiences of her elder sister. She will have to make her own experiences. Let her live in her way, and if her hair sheds, don't give her unwanted advice. That's criticism in her eyes, I'm sure.

If she doesn't stop after you simply ignore her remarks in a friendly way, offer her a gentleman's agreement. No more talk about hair.

And if she steals your oils? Take it as a compliment but don't say a word. Don't embarrass her. If you don't want her to take it, put a sticker on the bottle with something you know will disgust her, "snake oil" for example :-) Or lock away your stuff if you have to. But I would try to develop a sense of humour.

You know your sister has to develop her own independent identity. That's difficult. So she tries to be as different from you as she can although maybe she secretly admires you. Try to understand her and get less upset.

[elaineflowers]

sorry about these negative experiences you are facing. However, when you mentioned that your sister is coming to you complaining about her damaged hair and the fact that she takes your hair products without asking would suggest that she recognises that your hair is in good condition and your hair routine must be worth replicating on her own hair...
at least you can take that as a compliment (of sorts)!!
and don't let others make you feel sad, your hair is lovely.
xxxxxxxxx

[merseaone]

I've noticed girls giggling at my hair style and I just look at them with their spikes and color striped hair and smile thinking and that is coming from aliens! LOL

Now lately I've been seeing older ladies (60's +) wearing spiked and striped hair. I just act like I don't notice unless we end up talking and then I don't mention it.

[Nouveaux]

Isn't it funny how young girls should look stylish by cutting their hair short, and that older women should act their age and... cut their hair short? ... Wait a minute here!

I think how you've already tried to handle the situation is probably ideal. OF course, you're the one that knows your sister and how she reacts. Probably continuing to lay stress that your hair is your own and you're happy with the choices you've made with it, and that if, in the future, you decide to cut it, that will also be your choice and only yours.
After awhile, it may be just as helpful to not respond to any hair-related comments (unless truly seeking help or advice) from your sister. To let them pass as if you never heard them.

[Lamb]

Lemur Catta, I think there is a little power-struggle going on between you and your sister. Your sister sounds like a much more forceful personality, and her behavior about your hair sounds very much like bullying. It must be trying. I never had this sort of relationship with my sister, but oh heavens the comments I had to endure from girls at high school!
Everyone has given you good advice. Stand up to her. She is 16, a girl. You are 19, quite the young woman. And even if you were 13: it is your hair, and your life. Just remember that, and don't let her immature bullying get to you.

[missfortune9335]

good for you for speaking your mind to her. now keep it up and stand your ground.
all siblings squabble from time to time but she is treating you like a door mat. It would BE THE DAY before my sister (or anyone for that matter) told me not to mention that I knew them because they might be embarassed of me.

[young&reckless]

:slap: Sisters, mines not so bad, but every other girl I meet lately seams to be a hair stylist (new friend group) I just smile and say NO!:tmi: when they make suggestion.

[vindo]

Hm...thinking of my sister I have always influenced her when it comes to hair. I grew it out as a teen, and she followed. We almost competed for length. I cut it short and she followed again...we almost competed there too :lol:
I grew it a tad longer, she did too. I grew it out and she started to grow it very long too.
When I was at classic length and she was at hip length she decided she wanted to keep it at midback.
Spell broken...- I accept her decision to wear shorter, more fashionable hair and she accepts my decision.
She is 5 years younger and very understanding for the way I care for my hair.
Your sister should be the last person not to respect your wishes. She should support whatever makes you happy.
Tell her that and I hope she will be more understanding in the future.

[merseaone]

Well I don't mention my hair - she does it :D When she walks into my bedroom and sees me watching some hair related videos on youtube, or putting my hair up, or when she sees vinegar\oil\anything "strange" I use on my hair, then I get a rude comment. Why can't she mind her own business?
Besides, her hair is shedding a lot and it is very damaged because of dyes and straightening, but she won't accept any advice from me! She comes to me complaining that she is losing hair, she steals my oils and puts them on her hair before shampoo (she also took my 50% evoo/50% co that I use for oil cleansing my face, why couldn't she just ask? -.-) but if I mention she could straighten her hair wrapping it in rollers or keep it curly, or anything else, she tell me to shut up. I am the one whose hair is not shedding, why does she come complaining but then doesn't listen to anything?

Just tell the girl to get out of your room! Also let parents know she is stealing your products. I hate confrontations more than anyone but there comes a time when you must stand up for yourself.

[Lemur_Catta]

Just tell the girl to get out of your room! Also let parents know she is stealing your products. I hate confrontations more than anyone but there comes a time when you must stand up for yourself.

I have no problems with her taking my things, even if it would be better if she had asked first :D I just thought it was strange...She criticizes me for the way I treat my hair, but she also wants to do the same things I do. The only things she won't try are the ones she just doesn't like, for example because of the smell...like eggs or vinegar. When she wants to buy a new shampoo or conditioner, she even shows me the bottle and asks for my opinion. So her problem is not really what I *do* to my hair, but what I *don't* do, she doesn't understand the reason I don't do the same things as anybody else, for example straightening, heat styling or cutting it.

OFF TOPIC: I have a dumb question but I didn't want to open a new thread for such a stupid thing :D I have 1b hair, but as I really like straight hair, I tried wrapping it after washing, when it was still a bit wet, as I read on the forum. I unwrapped it the following morning and not only it wasn't still dry :D but it wasn't straighter than before. I expected it to be close to 1a, but I am not sure if this is the result that I should have expected. I mean, my hair is already 1b, maybe this method is more useful for people with wavy\curly hair, and maybe 1a is a little too straight to obtain without heat. Do I have to lower my expectations and be happy with my 1b hair? :D Because if this is the case I can just let it air dry without spending time wrapping and securing it with pins, and I will also sleep much better :D Or do I have to do something different, for example covering my wrapped hair with a scarf or similar and then blow dry?

[Luckysock]

Oh I feel your pain hun. We actually have very similar hair types, so I understand your frustration with the 'aggressive brushing' that you mentioned at the salon, I have had many stylists frustrated with the volume and length of my hair (and the time it will take to cut it, I imagine) really rip into my hair with a comb or brush. But, that said, I have found a great stylist who is patient, listens, and understands that my hair will just take a little longer to cut - So they certainly are out there!

In regards to your sister; family are funny about giving advice. We tend to be a lot stronger with our families in terms of giving opinions and flat-out telling each other what to do - because, I think, there is just more security there. In other words, she feels she can be harsh, because you are her sister and will love her anyways! Since she appears to be particularly insensitive about your hair, i would avoid talking to her about it as much as possible. Definitely don't go to the hairdressers with her or do any other 'hair activities'. As she seems determined NOT to support you in your choices about your OWN hair - just take it 'off the table' as a topic of conversation. If she keeps bringing it up, just say "I don't really feel like talking about my hair" and change the subject, or if you are feeling up to it, tell her "It hurts my feelings when you criticize my hair, I am happy with it as it is, and would like you to be happy for me." She may not realize how much she is hurting your feelings, and may change her actions if she understands that. But if she still insists on criticizing you, you don't have to take it, just walk away from it - eventually she will occupy herself with something else.

I think your hair looks awesome buy the way!

[Luckysock]

try waiting until your hair is 'almost' dry, and then comb it out very slowly (pulling slightly, but being careful not to damage it) in front of a fan (like a desk-tip electrical fan). Your hair is thick like mine, so it will take a while, but I find just brushing it straight in those last few minutes before it completely sets makes a difference.

Hope it works!
A