Rant: Rude comment from friend

[Nina]

I was feeling very good about my hair yesterday after having tried my first SMT. I didn't do any styling, just left it in loose waves all day. Last night I went with a friend to a girls' night out party. She and I were talking about another friend at the party who had been on a makeover show. I had said that makeover friend had really long hair and wanted a change so she went on a makeover show. Big mistake. First friend turns to me and says, "you should cut your hair. You are too old to have long hair." Then she says why do you have long hair anyway, and I said, "I like it." She kept badgering me then concluded I had a "hair thing" because I liked long hair.

And for the record, my hair isn't even that long. It is BSL with layers. (And I'm only 42!) I looked around the room at the women my age and older and their fried, choppy over processed hair and I thought, Oh, hell no! I don't want to look like that.

Then the friend who made the comment looked at makeover friend's bouncy layered hair and said how cute it was.

I quickly changed the subject but my friend's comment really bothered me. I know people on this board deal with this thing all the time but this is the first for me and it really hurt because this is someone who I consider a good friend and whose company I enjoy. I tried to let it go but the irritation is sticking with me. I didn't tell her I was hurt and I won't see her for a while. I am wondering if I should drop her a quick e-mail and tell her "I was really hurt by your comment about my hair. It was as rude and hurtful as if you'd said 'you're too fat to wear that.' I feel hair, like fashion, is a very personal decision. Not everyone cares to follow a bunch of arbitrary 'rules.' I happen to be a nonconformist. Unless I ask for your opinion, this subject is closed for discussion. Thanks for understanding." Or does that just sound defensive?

I would sooner cut off an arm than chop off my hair just to fit in. No one is telling Demi Moore she is too old for long hair. Seriously, where did that stupid rule come from? The 1940s or 1950s? And should we all go back to wearing hats and gloves too?

[sibylla]

My advice is to just ignore this ignorant person. Next time somebody says you should cut your hair say:

-Why?Do you need some?

[longinthehair]

"Well I'm not here to decorate your world," is always a great comment in retort.

[girlcat36]

BSL is not that long!! Your friend is silly!
It takes patience to grow long hair(even just to BSL), and most people IRL don't have the patience. I think it is jealousy. She is jealous that you have the patience to have something she is too impatient to acheive.

I am a waitress with a lot of middle-aged/older women customers. I get so sad when I see one that has succumbed to the 'chop'.
Had one the other day, woman in her 50's, always had black APL hair in the 15 years I have waited on her. She came in with the old lady poodle chop. It was awful, awful. She should never have done it, and I think she knows it.

[s_tresses]

lol No, I wouldn't be rude to her or come up with a clever line to say. If you really do consider her your true friend then in my opinion you should let her know and not ignore her without telling her. Trust me, i hate that feeling when someone you are close to is upset with you and you are trying to figure out what I did wrong.

But maybe, she was telling the truth and she doesn't like your hair the way it is. Its only her opinion and you have yours.

[Nina]

Thanks for the support. It's good to know not everyone is a slave to some stupid rule.

This morning I was looking around at church, and saw women much older than I with long hair. One woman, about my age had the most gorgeous thick, dark hair. I also saw more fried, choppy hair.

It does seem like women pressure each other to cut their hair. Oh, and short choppy styles are deemed so cute, mostly by women.

Sorry to hear about the poodle cut lady. Hopefully she comes to her senses and grows it back.

I was thinking of the "not here to decorate your world" comment but was so stunned to hear a friend say something so rude. In fact, that had never happened to me before, so I didn't know how to react.

Sad, that in this world, BSL hair is deemed super long.

[spidermom]

If sending her an email would give you closure on this incident, do it.

Things like that don't bother me. The last time somebody (my father) told me I ought to cut my hair "because it looks like a big mess," I said "I'm not going to cut my hair." End of discussion for me, although he had a few more comments to make.

[gmdiaz]

Everyone has their own ideas of what is beautiful. . .you've got to stick to your own vision to be happy.

Try to look at her comments differently, appreciate her honesty but maybe just say, I'd be so unhappy with hair cut like that. I just know I won't like it on me. And then show her someone that has the hairstyle or hair length of your dreams and say, this is what I have in mind.

End of story.

You don't have to agree with everything your friends say to still love their company.

[Lohari]

I don't think a person can be too old or anything to have long hair, it can suit anyone in any age. It is always the persons own choice to have "long" or "short" hair and nobody else should have nothing to say about it, if you really want it.

If it reeeally bothers you, or if she brings the subject again, you should tell her that you feel offended. Do not tell it in a rude way, but explain calmly why you feel so uppset about her telling you to cut your hair. I've been in a same kind of a situation before, and I just told my friend that if I ever wanted short hair, I would cut it. But that time is not coming at least in a few years. For now she hasn't said anything, but who knows if she will say something someday, she is a really stubborn person ; )

[Themyst]

Not everyone cares to follow a bunch of arbitrary 'rules.' I happen to be a nonconformist.

Well, you hit the nail on the head right here. Your 'friends' are a bunch of followers. An email isn't going to change that. I'd leave it alone.:)

[embee]

I'd leave it alone for now. If she brings it up again I'd mention that the last discussion felt very unpleasant and you are not going there again.

Heaven knows why all these women want to be followers. It's very strange. Oh well. As for why short hair, my guess is an excellent sales job by the salon industry - in order to improve business. Sorta like the car people - new style every year, you're so out of step if you don't have a new car, etc., even if you're perfectly pleased with your old car.

Sometimes I'm tempted to go home when things get like that. I want to go off by myself and have a little cry and I know I'm a party pooper when in that mood. Tough call.

[Gypsygirl]

I'm sorry she said that to you...you're not the only one. A while ago my husband and I were at a party and that "friend" of ours thought it was a great idea to tell me to "donate some of that hair" to Locks of Love. Oh well... my husband kind of put her in her place, and we just walked off. Don't listen to her- just tell her, you think I'm strange because I'm different, I think you're strange because you're all the same. ;) Maybe that'll make her understand. If not- her problem.

[earthdancer]

Too old for long hair? What about all the 40-something women on TV shows now with hair to the waist?

I'm 50-something, and believe me, men love long hair even on older women! It's practically hypnotic! So next time, just say that men love it so she must be jealous if she's trying to make you get rid of it.

It's probably true.

[earthdancer]

A while ago my husband and I were at a party and that "friend" of ours thought it was a great idea to tell me to "donate some of that hair" to Locks of Love.

After reading the articles posted about Locks of Love, I wouldn't give them a penny, much less my hair!

[Gypsygirl]

Right. Me neither. :)

[Unofficial_Rose]

I do think a lot of us are brainwashed by the beauty industry after years and years of articles telling us we should have shorter, lighter hair when we get to a certain age. LHC is like the de-programming centre!

Two of my friends believe this big time, they both have the short, layered, highlighted hair. Which I used to have, and I know perfectly well they genuinely think it looked better on me than my current one length, henna'ed/henndigo'ed, slightly-longer-than-it used-to-be hair. It has made me feel a bit rubbish too, after seeing them and feeling this attitude. Oh yes, and hair is only acceptable when it is "styled", i.e. blowdried or tonged.

However, this is just convention speaking, and although I love my friends, seen objectively they are both very conservative in attitude. It's amazing how many people go for a style of hair and dress that I think is downright corporate, but they like it. Maybe your friend is like this? Whatever you do, don't let them get to you like they did me last summer, when I had it all cut off, layered and highlighted. Dumbest thing I did all year!

[a12345]

I am sorry to hear that you experienced this. These comments always hurt worse from people who are close to us. I personally think that telling your friend that she hurt your feelings (via email or however you choose) is an appropriate response. It is only honest - you do not have to refrain from letting people know that they have hurt your feelings or insulted you, even if they are close friends or family. She may not have really thought about where she got her attitude about long hair. Maybe she is just spouting the status quo or something someone once used to pressure her into cutting her own hair. Who knows? If telling her would make you feel better, then do so. Do so gently so that you at least open up the possibility of greater understanding between the two of you. Just don't put expectations on what kind of response you get from her. You might get a genuine apology and a discussion that will only strengthen your relationship. Or she might just go off again in the same vein, in which case you may have to firmly say that your hair is off topic period. (And then refrain from bringing it up yourself in the future.) Best of luck to you! :flower:

[spidermom]

Your friend might look really awesome with classic length hair.

[earthdancer]

I've never been conventional; I don't seem to have the genes for it, or whatever it takes. Fitting into someone else's idea of "proper" or "appropriate" is not in my mode of operation at all, even when I have wanted to!

So if you're like me and someone wants you to fall into line with their social programming, it helps to realize that not all of us are made that way, thank goodness.

I still think she might be jealous.:D

[Helen Baq]

I vote for sending the email, but I do think your wording sounded a bit defensive. I'd say give it a couple of days to calm down and think it through. You care about this person and you don't want to start a fight, I'm sure, nor is it a good idea to hurt her feelings in return. Let yourself calm down enough to think through the wording so it's concise and earnest, but without sounding spiteful or angry. If you two are quite close then it could be that she didn't think to hold back on her comments for that reason. I'm sure if she understands that you were hurt and possibly embarrassed by her behavior she will apologize and not act that way again. If she doesn't feel bad and apologize, then perhaps she isn't the friend she used to be. I don't think you need to add that it's no longer open for discussion. She might decide she likes your long hair, then she won't feel like she's able to compliment it and the oppressive feeling could put a wall up between you. If she doesn't get it from a polite email, then you can be defensive and angry. :)

[marialena]

My advice is to just ignore this ignorant person. Next time somebody says you should cut your hair say:

-Why?Do you need some?

The best and funnier answer ever.. I agree totally..:applause:D

(My comment:Rude and envious people.. What can someone expect?? :rolleyes:)

[Elenna]

Well, it is mostly the other older ladies who say this. It is kind of like the hair police. They all think that others in the group have to have the same kind of hair chop and colored to smithereens. I think that it is the hair industry media brainwashing us for the most high paying customers who can afford the hair salon prices? Just follow the money.

No matter what the age is, I'm discovering that there is a real beauty in longer hair. Plus uncolored hair going grey is nature's color palette.

[SheWolf]

I wouldn't email her, I'd ignore her, for now.
If she brings it up again, I'd get in her face while the iron is hot:
I'm sensing a lot of envy, sour grapes and jealousy in your "friend".
I would play on that, put her on the spot by saying "You seem really irritated by my hair, why is that?"
And then watch her stumble an idiotic, phony, hypocritical response which you'll both know is completely full of sh*t.
Then you'll both know that she is jealous and unable to deal, and that you're happy and confident about how gorgeous you look.
Then tell her to roll that one tight and stick it where mama used to jam the thermometer. :p

[Delila]

If you don't feel strongly enough to talk about it with them to their face, just don't mention it.

As you've learned, it's a sensitive topic, about which some people can be really insensitive and oblivious.

Try and remember that not all sheep realize they're part of the flock. Spelling this out for them can be unnecessarily hurtful, so don't do it unless you think it's essential.

[Darkhorse1]

It depends on how quick you are with come backs. Last year, I had someone who was an acquantance, and every time I was at a horse show, she kept saying I should cut my hair. By the 5th show, I was starting to get annoyed. She showed me how short I should go (to my shoulders from almost hip length!), and I said 'why should I?" and she said 'well, because you always wear it tied back' and I smiled and eyed her ponytail. "And your hair is how long and it's tied back.." and she said 'well, I'm at the barn" and I said 'exactly'. In other words, I only tie it back when I'm at the barn. She'd never seen me outside the barn, and to me, that was a stupid comment to make. This was an adult too!

I honestly think it's jealousy. I think people see those with long hair and are jealous becaue they can't grow it that long (meaning they don't have the patience), or they want to see if you can be manipulated into cutting it.

I love my hair and my hair routine is a piece of cake. The kids at the barn couldn't believe it only takes me 10 minutes to wash and comb out my hair. :)

So, if this happens again with the same friend, I'd ask her why your long hair bothers her. If she's not that close, all you have to do is 'well, I like it long and it's my hair." and be kind and walk away.

[losgan]

Also - remember that sometimes when people do something new, they want everyone to be so impressed that they do it too. How can she be a trend-setter if you don't follow?

Not only that - maybe they don't have the patience to grow their hair longer, or for the care that goes into it (not that that is any harder than fluffing up those poofy-dos?) but they miss longer hair. They are annoyed that you were able to hold on to it.

And if longer hair is a sign of being younger - well heck, what's wrong with looking younger than your age exactly?? And why is a head of long, gray hair so beautiful and gracious if only "young people" can have long hair?

I'd chalk it up to jealousy and leave it alone. To email her about it would just emphasize that her comment hit home (and really - what true friend words a comment that way?).

[AnnaMarie]

Yeesh, friends can be so insensitive! I would wait a few days, get what I want to say straight in my head and then talk to my friend, at least that way she would know that her comment over stepped the line. It might make her think before she speaks in the future. ;)

[LadyEliza]

I am a waitress with a lot of middle-aged/older women customers. I get so sad when I see one that has succumbed to the 'chop'.
Had one the other day, woman in her 50's, always had black APL hair in the 15 years I have waited on her. She came in with the old lady poodle chop. It was awful, awful. She should never have done it, and I think she knows it.

This is why it's IMPORTANT to tell these lady's how lovely they are with long hair!!!

Even if you think you might sound a bit weird, paying someone a compliment like that. WHY do people think they would sound weird, paying someone a compliment?

Saying "your hair is really lovely" isn't out of line, and it might help counteract all the "you are too old to wear your hair long" and "you should cut your hair to something more modern" that they ARE hearing!

I was surprised when I suggested that we should be complimenting other long hairs and I was told - here, on this forum, where we should understand this - that it was too weird to be giving compliments to strangers.

We all know what negative comments we get. We should go out of our way to give possitive ones.

That's my rant :)

[LadyEliza]

Oh, and I didn't answer the original poster.

I second everything everyone said. Basicially people with short hair want everyone to be like them. Be the "norm". They don't have the patience to wait x number of years to grow long hair, and so they think you shouldn't either.

But if your friend is really a friend you like, don't ignore her, don't be mad at her, why not educate her? You might create another long haired friend out of it!

Explain to her your goal. Tell her you want to be a little old lady with a bun and long flowing silver hair you can take down and play with your grand daughters with.

or whatever - that's my goal :)

Show her some of your long hair idols, especially if they are older.

I cut my hair from classic to pixie - about a year after that long hair came into fashion! So, cutting your hair doesn't mean you will necessarily be in fashion - fashions change quicker then you can grow hair back!!!

Cutting takes seconds. Growing takes years.

[lynnala]

Oh gosh, the bi**ch really comes out in me when people say things like that. I'd probably have snapped something mean like "because I don't want to look like you!". Guess this is why I don't hang out with people too often!:p

[Helen Baq]

This is why it's IMPORTANT to tell these lady's how lovely they are with long hair!!!

Even if you think you might sound a bit weird, paying someone a compliment like that. WHY do people think they would sound weird, paying someone a compliment?

Saying "your hair is really lovely" isn't out of line, and it might help counteract all the "you are too old to wear your hair long" and "you should cut your hair to something more modern" that they ARE hearing!

I was surprised when I suggested that we should be complimenting other long hairs and I was told - here, on this forum, where we should understand this - that it was too weird to be giving compliments to strangers.

We all know what negative comments we get. We should go out of our way to give possitive ones.

That's my rant :)

I agree with this. There is nothing weird about paying a compliment to a stranger. I wear my hair up or in a braid most of the time, so I don't get a lot of compliments on my hair, but I do get tons of compliments on my cloak! I get at least one per day and a lot of smiles when people see me walking down the road with it. I'm very happy to receive compliments, they don't feel weird to me at all. And the few times I've had my hair down and gotten compliments I've been really flattered. :D

It's certainly better to pay a compliment to a stranger than to tell them they should chop off their hair and donate it. :p

[Tap Dancer]

If sending her an email would give you closure on this incident, do it.

I agree. I'm sure she'll do it again in the future unless you let her know how much it hurt you. If she's a real friend, she won't say anything else (on purpose) to hurt you.

[Honestwitness]

Your friend said, "You're too old to have long hair."

You might let her know you've been pondering that comment and you wonder how she came to that conclusion? You might say that you used to think that, too, but then you saw several women with beautiful silver hair that was really long and you'd like to have hair like that some day. You might say that the only way you'll know if you are really too old to have long hair is after you try it for yourself and decide, for yourself, whether it is impossible to have beautiful long hair. You might say that you enjoy the challenge of experimenting with something that you used to think was impossible.

Then, to really butter up your friend and cement your valuable friendship, you might say something like, "I appreciate knowing that you feel so comfortable with our friendship that you can comment on my appearance without fear of hurting me. I hope you'll be secure, if I should be as open with you about your appearance, too."

[gmdiaz]

I bet the day your friends said that. . .your hair looked awesome didn't it? lol

*evil snicker*

[Lady Godiva]

Your friend said, "You're too old to have long hair."

You might let her know you've been pondering that comment and you wonder how she came to that conclusion? You might say that you used to think that, too, but then you saw several women with beautiful silver hair that was really long and you'd like to have hair like that some day. You might say that the only way you'll know if you are really too old to have long hair is after you try it for yourself and decide, for yourself, whether it is impossible to have beautiful long hair. You might say that you enjoy the challenge of experimenting with something that you used to think was impossible.

Then, to really butter up your friend and cement your valuable friendship, you might say something like, "I appreciate knowing that you feel so comfortable with our friendship that you can comment on my appearance without fear of hurting me. I hope you'll be secure, if I should be as open with you about your appearance, too."
Heh. :twisted: Gets the point across, doesn't it?

Another way to respond, if she does this again, is to turn to her and comment, "Wow, you've said these things to me before, at other times, and here you go, saying them again. My hair really has a lot of power over you, doesn't it?! Why does it affect you so much how *I* wear my hair? It's not like you have to deal with it. You brought up the 'too-old-for-long-hair' stereotype. Well, at my *age*, I think I'm old enough to choose my own hair style, thankyouverymuch!"

[hazelnut]

My advice is to just ignore this ignorant person. Next time somebody says you should cut your hair say:

-Why?Do you need some?

Haha, I think that I'd answer with that and walk away. Good one. :)

[Flynn]

It was probably a cute, throwaway comment. Does your friend tend to be rather forward, and quick to express an opinion?

I wouldn't worry about it. There was probably no thought behind it whatsoever.

[Jessica Trapp]

First friend turns to me and says, "you should cut your hair. You are too old to have long hair." Then she says why do you have long hair anyway, and I said, "I like it." She kept badgering me then concluded I had a "hair thing" because I liked long hair.


Maybe next time you could give her hair a good hard stare:eye:, blink a few times and shake your head and say, "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh....nooooooooooo, thanks..... I... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I..... don't think soooooooooooo.... I might end up with hair like.... yo--....uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.... never mind.."

I'd vote no on the email just because hair isn't something to get into a flame war about with a friend--talk to her in person if you need to though.

Here's a link to photos of "hotties"over 40. Note how many have long hair:

http://www.foxnews.com/photoessay/0,4644,5952,00.html

Last time someone asked me if I ever planned to cut my hair, I let out a loud dramatic gasp and said, "NO FREAKING WAY! I'M TRYING TO GROW IT LONG ENOUGH TO DOUBLE AS A SWIM SUIT COVERUP!" If they had any further comments they :magic: didn't express them aloud. :D :D :D

:flower: Sorry you are having friend trouble. Hope it works out.

Jess

[Fifty-Five]

I definitely know where you're coming from. I mean, being a guy growing his hair long among people who really didn't understand, I got it a lot. "Cut your hair", "You look so sloppy", "You look gross", and so on. In person, I'm generally not a very forward person. I tend to avoid confrontation and controversy. Online...hmm...depends. xD So, what would I do in your case? Well, I'd have no problem sending an e-mail to them expressing what their comment meant to me, but I suppose it depends on how you think they meant it. You know them a LOT better than I =P but if you don't think they meant anything by it, an innocent mistake, something not meant to hurt you, then I'd ignore it for now and see if she mentions it again. If she does, tell her, then, that you don't appreciate what she said. If you think she's of the type that are all about 'What's in' and all that garbage, and that she really thinks so strongly about you're 'too old', or something, well, maybe consider writing her, but choose words carefully. =o You said she's someone whose company you enjoy, so you don't wanna come across acusatory, or something, unless you don't care if it turns sour. o.o;

...re-reading what I wrote, I'm under the impression I'm not helpful >.>;

[zombi]

"Well I'm not here to decorate your world," is always a great comment in retort.

Love it.

Seriously, why would someone say an older woman cannot have long hair? Is this some rule I have never heard of?

Although, come to think of it, I do remember all my friends in high school years ago cutting all their waist-length hair to much shorter "for college", they said, because it will "make them look older"......

[Natalia]

I havent yet read all the replies to this but i had to say that your absolutly NOT to old for long hair, i dont think there is such a thing! However i think that damaged hair can make you look older at any length but obviosuly being on here you care for your hair and ims ure it is beautiful! Besides Demi Moore another women i always admired was Jane Seymour (SP?). I was so INCREDIBLY dissapointed to see her big chop AND that it is platinum blonde! Every time i see her Kay jewler comercial i get sad knowing she doesnt have her beautiful locks anymore :(.... Sigh i know people need change and she has has a very similar sytle for many years but it was so classic and beautiful! ANyone else with me on that one?

[Ndnlady]

If this person is your friend she should have left the subject alone when you said you liked your long hair.
Be direct with her and tell her you don't appreciate her attitude and you don't remember asking her for her opinion in the first place, perhaps she will back off then.
I believe in being up front and direct with people and sometimes even friends need to be put in check when they have said or done something that is insulting.

[brok3nwings]

im sorry that this happened to you really, about the email do what you feel its best for you. You´re the one that knows your friendship. I have a friend also (a friend that knows me a lot, knows how i feel about hair cause she lived with me last year) and the other night she told me "take that thing out of your hair you look like someone from Venezuela" and she insisted. I actually should have said something but the chock didnt let me but i woudnt send her an email i would say something if she repeted the unasked comment.

[brok3nwings]

By the way my mother was born on Venezuela so its even worst lol anyway i didnt bother that much because half an hour before i recieved the contrary comment "i love that style in you" so...even if noone told you anything nice you should take your own advice and for those who had the same experience by thinking " i like it, thats the only thing that matters"

[NebraskaChick84]

I'm so sorry your friend said that to you :(

whenever someone comments on my hair (although it's not as common as it used to be), I usually say something along the lines of "I'm the one that has to live with my hair, I'll wear it how I like". (((hugs)))

[Toadstool]

I have a friend also (a friend that knows me a lot, knows how i feel about hair cause she lived with me last year) and the other night she told me "take that thing out of your hair you look like someone from Venezuela" and she insisted.
Er...what is so wrong with looking like someone from Venezuela??!

[Unofficial_Rose]

I havent yet read all the replies to this but i had to say that your absolutly NOT to old for long hair, i dont think there is such a thing! However i think that damaged hair can make you look older at any length but obviosuly being on here you care for your hair and ims ure it is beautiful! Besides Demi Moore another women i always admired was Jane Seymour (SP?). I was so INCREDIBLY dissapointed to see her big chop AND that it is platinum blonde! Every time i see her Kay jewler comercial i get sad knowing she doesnt have her beautiful locks anymore :(.... Sigh i know people need change and she has has a very similar sytle for many years but it was so classic and beautiful! ANyone else with me on that one?

Oh, I didn't know Jane Seymour had done this. I'll have to Google to see now. What a shame. She was really keeping her looks as well as her hair!

I do think it is my age group (40+) who believe this hair myth the most. Largely because it's kind of an old myth, and it's harder to move with the times as one gets older. And we are scared of wearing anything that might indicate that we still think we've "got it going on" or whatever the phrase is. :rolleyes: I've chopped off long hair a couple of times myself for precisely this reason. "Mutton dressed as lamb" is the nasty phrase we fear!

It's true that a lot of the Hollywood stars over 40 have APL hair though. Because they have the confidence to do so.

[Fethenwen]

It's a bit like someone saying that you are too thin and should eat more. It's nothing but jealousy. Ignore it :)

[Calista]

... and the other night she told me "take that thing out of your hair you look like someone from Venezuela"...
Man, you should just have said "my mother is from Venezuela". I bet that would have embarrassed her to no end. ;)

[noelgirl]

It's true that a lot of the Hollywood stars over 40 have APL hair though. Because they have the confidence to do so.

I've noticed this lately as well. And it's not "mutton dressed as lamb" at all - it's usually stars who have had long-ish hair for the better part of their careers, and it's become part of their look and image.

IRL I sometimes get comments like "you can get away with it, you're young." When I say I'll have long hair when I'm old, too (I'd like to think I will), they laugh. Hey, whatever makes you laugh, but I'm serious!

[babybabycat]

There is probably bleach in drinking water from salons rinsing hair bleach into the water system.

Yesterday I coated my hair with Joboja oil, and wore it in a braided bun. My friend stopped by, unannounced. She touched my hair and said, "what do you have in your hair". I told her that I put oil in it to make it soft. She was really grossed out, and told me to buy Aveda products, because they use joboja oils.

I told her, whatever...joboja oil costs $3.99 at Whole Foods, why spend $30.00 at Aveda.

Then, she goes into the "you should get your hair highlighed...etc" rant.

Oh, well.

The best thing is to say, "I am doing what feels comfortable for me, thanks for your suggestions, but I am not ready to go to the salon for a trendy hair style"

[goodenough]

I wouldn't send the email. My friend sent a similar one to me (not about hair:) and then regretted it. Everything's fine now, but face to face works out best.

If it were a friend I actually liked, I wouldn't worry about it. If she does it again, I'd make it really clear that you don't care a lot about her hair opinion. I have waist length, and I only know one other longhair. Friends make comments, because I used to change my style a lot, and they liked seeing the changes. I just agree with them--yes, isn't it ironic that I wear my hair so long now? Smile and change the subject.

When I was apl and bsl, I cared a lot more about my friend's opinions then I do now. It was the encouragement from one friend that helped me hang in there. Now she wants me to cut. Why? Because everyone likes a change, a makeover. It's like a trainwreck--everyone is interested in what happened, but unless they are personally affected, their interest in it will fade rapidly. It's you hair. As it gets longer, you may feel less sensitive.

[Jessica Trapp]

You are too old to have long hair."


I guess you could say something like this: "I know... but the birthdays keep piling up. I think I'll start counting backwards." and ignore the hair comment altogether.

:D :D

[goodenough]

I guess you could say something like this: "I know... but the birthdays keep piling up. I think I'll start counting backwards." and ignore the hair comment altogether.

:D :D

Oh--I really like that!

[Fairlight63]

I always admired Jane Seymour (SP?). I was so INCREDIBLY dissapointed to see her big chop AND that it is platinum blonde! Every time i see her Kay jewler comercial i get sad knowing she doesnt have her beautiful locks anymore :(.... Sigh i know people need change and she has has a very similar sytle for many years but it was so classic and beautiful! ANyone else with me on that one?

I am with you also! I didn't know that Jane S. had cut her hair & went platinum blonde.
I loved her hair in Dr. Quinn, her hair was so long & beautiful!

[Helen Baq]

If I'm too old for long hair, then why does it keep growing? :p

[JamieLeigh]

Maybe it's a one-time thing, and she won't think to bring it up again - after all, the conversation did seem to be geared towards hair-cutting, did it not? I say leave it be, and if it happens again, then try to nip it in the bud by letting her know it bothers you when she says things like that. If she insists on saying things after she's aware that it hurts your feelings, I'd start to seriously re-evaluate that friendship.

I'm sorry you had to hear the age & hair comment. :flower: That's always uncalled for, and it's not true - long hair makes most people look younger, actually. Take all of the youthful ladies and gents on this site who are over 40 and have long hair. They look fantastic, and I applaud their decisions to move in the opposite direction as the crowd. :rockerdud

I wonder how well this friend really knows you. If she truly understands you, then she should know that you're a nonconformist and that you like to go against the grain. That you would rather have your hair long, in a room full of short-haired people, shouldn't be that far-fetched!

What's wrong with having a hair thing, by the way? I hate it when people see it as "obsession" just because we don't want to cut. (I know, I know...I *AM* obsessed.....lol :pinktongue: ) And that they automatically assume it's a weird or bad thing. Lots of people are obsessed with clothes, shoes, makeup, weight...and those things are perfectly socially acceptable. But hair?! Oh gosh, that's so WEIRD!!! :rolleyes:

[Unofficial_Rose]

There is probably bleach in drinking water from salons rinsing hair bleach into the water system.

Yesterday I coated my hair with Joboja oil, and wore it in a braided bun. My friend stopped by, unannounced. She touched my hair and said, "what do you have in your hair". I told her that I put oil in it to make it soft. She was really grossed out, and told me to buy Aveda products, because they use joboja oils.

I told her, whatever...joboja oil costs $3.99 at Whole Foods, why spend $30.00 at Aveda.

Then, she goes into the "you should get your hair highlighed...etc"

rant.

Oh, well.

The best thing is to say, "I am doing what feels comfortable for me, thanks for your suggestions, but I am not ready to go to the salon for a trendy hair style"

Oh my lord, I just looked at your profile pic. You have gorgeous hair - why on earth would anyone suggest that you highlight it? :confused:

Aveda really get me. There is nothing natural about their stuff - which is fine in itself, but it's just that they are so sanctimonious about their "natural" credentials, whilst being choc-full of chemicals. Not to mention costing the earth. :rolleyes:

[Für immer]

Personally, I think that is not only a rude thing to say, it's mean too.
What business is it of hers if your hairlenght is longer than she'd prefered anyway??
btw, 42 ain't old, I know people who are much older than you
and have quite longer hair than you too.
I think the best thing you can do is to ignore that person's comment,
even if it hurt you. Let your hair grow as long as you want it to
Your sincerely/ Für immer

[marzipanthecat]

If you like your hair, stick with it. It IS really hurtful when people say this sort of dumb thing, but I'm now coming to the conclusion that they really are jealous.

After all, no one goes up to people they consider ugly and tells them to get cosmetic surgery - you know, cut that face off!

(Well, maybe they do, but they must be real social outcasts...)

It's pretty rare that anyone tells me to get my hair cut these days - I think I'm so far beyond "normal" in many aspects of my personal appearance, it just isn't worth commenting on any more!

(And every single day for the past 15 days some total stranger has come up to me and said how nice my hair is - I'm so incredibly flattered and pleased by this, and I'm actually keeping count!!!)

[KajiKodomo]

I have no advice, but I wanted to say that what she said was really awful! It's noone's business but your own what you choose to do with your hair! *hugs*

[lynnala]

I just looked up the Jane Seymour hair cut, it's a wig, she did it for a movie role. She didn't cut her hair.

[jahof45]

I can't comprehend where the myth that an older woman must cut her hair came from. My mother has a short, short haircut and thinks my hair is too long so drags my features down. I feel her hair is masculine (but I would never tell her that as it would hurt her feelings) and mine is just right.

[Nina]

Wow, thanks for all the helpful comments. Everyone had lots of interesting views and ideas. While the comment still bothers me, I don't think I'm going to address it now. I was telling this story to another friend who also has long hair. She said she thought my hair looked great and said "Why would you want to look like everyone else? I sure don't!"

Also thanks for the link to the photos of the 40+ women with long hair. Would anyone tell Julia Roberts or Elle MacPherson they are too old for long hair?

The only reasoning my friend gave for her hurtful remark is that she had once lost her hair due to illness and that changed her views. But because I don't want some fried, choppy mess on my head, I suddenly have a "hair thing."

She and I have an older mutual male friend who has long hair despite having a very obvious receding hairline (I of course happen to think it looks great). I doubt she would ever say to him, "You are old and have a receding hairline so you should not have long hair." Can you imagine how hurtful THAT would sound?

I just hate hate hate how women buy into this BS that short hair = younger/more stylish etc. Maybe my comeback should be, "I'm my own person, not some lemming brainwashed by the beauty industry."

[walkinglady]

Everyones view on hair is so different. Take my friend, she has very short hair that curls up. It looks cute on her. Does it make her look younger, no. I have very long hair, I think it looks good on me. Does it make me look younger, no. We both have the same hair type. She likes her hair to curl up, and it does like nice on her. When my bangs curl up (or when my hair was short) I hated when my hair curled up. I called it boing-ing up and it drove me nuts. See, we all view things differently. If I were you I'd try not to dwell on your friends tactlessness. If she brings it up again I'd just say, "I love long, healthy hair. It is so versatile. I can accomplish several looks in one week! I don't think I'm going to be cutting any time soon!" That will probably leave her speechless!

[Cinnamon Hair]

Then she says why do you have long hair anyway, and I said, "I like it." She kept badgering me then concluded I had a "hair thing" because I liked long hair.

What's wrong with having a "hair thing?" She was right afterall; you do. Most people don't place near as much value on their hair, so in that sense, I'd say everyone here at LHC has a "hair thing." I'll proudly admit to it!

Personally, I would not email her or mention it again. Just let the topic die. Even the best of friends sometimes have disagreements.

[intothemist1999]

Well, every man I know loves long hair.

These types of women are slaves to fashion (which is happy to keep them in short hair = $$ to keep getting cut).

Personally *I* think they feel threatened by women who happen to be wearing hair men like. I think the expression is "women dress for other women". It's like if you were wearing a blouse that was too low or a skirt that was too high.

*I'm* not saying hair is strictly a sexual thing, but for some it does have those undertones.



To make a point, I might resort to harping on some trivial point about something they do, until they make the connection. Actually more likely I'd tell them at my grand old age I can wear my hair however I like.

[Debra83]

People just use that line to achieve their goal of manipulation. People use that tactic in many areas of life, but because you are probably sensitive about your hair, it hit a nerve. We don't bother ourselves with other comments if the subject isn't near and dear to our hearts.

Her opinion vs. your opinion. Next time that comes up, you can always try something like, "Thanks but no thanks I want mine long for awhile, but feel free to cut YOUR hair!". and leave it at that. : )

[LiraelQ]

I don't know your friend, but I doubt she meant any harm. I think there are some women who just use that as a way to connect and reach out, like, HEY, let's give you a fun makeover!...but that doesn't make it any less hurtful!! I don't see anything wrong with approaching her calmly about it, explaining why it hurt your feelings.

I think in general people have something against "plain" hair. One hairstylist girl who I went to undergrad with fought very hard to give me a "style," when I've always just preferred my hair loose, nothing fancy done to it. Long, normal hair is just too weird to look at, I guess, especially if you spend all this time on your own hair making it not look normal. I don't know.

That said, I once got a really cute pixie cut and my aunt told me I looked like a little boy, and that I needed to grow my hair out again fast!! This from a woman who has had short hair all her life. She also pesters me to wear makeup ALL THE TIME, when I'd rather wear it occasionally/minimally. I was living with her at the time and after a while she made me feel very frumpy and uncomfortable with myself. I eventually grew (am growing!) the cut out because I ultimately prefer long hair, but it really suited my face and made me look older...and not like a boy at all. I still don't regret it.

There are always people who, for better or worse, think their beauty standards are the best, and that that gives them the right to chastise everyone who doesn't conform to it. It can be really hurtful when someone tells you to change what you're proud of. It's helped me to realize that the people who disagree with my idea of beauty mostly don't matter in the long run. I'm happy with my own brand of style and someone else's opinion doesn't shake that too much anymore.

[Mangachan]

People who say these things don't even recognize it as being rude or out of place. They think they're somehow entitled to "help."

[xoLegallyAubrey]

I think that your friend is just jealous. You know what makes you happy, which is long hair. She probably just wishes that she could just get away with having BSL at 42. I saw the most beautiful classic length hair on a woman much older than you. She looked around 60, and it was very silver, but it was lovely. I had to complement her.

Don't listen to people who bring you down. They're just trying to boost themselves up.

And when her damaged, over-processed, blow fried hair is so damaged that she has to cut drastically, she'll be wishing she took care of her hair like us LHCers do, or at least try to do. =)

Cheer up, and we still love you. :p

[intothemist1999]

Your friend said, "You're too old to have long hair."

You might let her know you've been pondering that comment and you wonder how she came to that conclusion?


Good point. There's a wonderful technique to force people to explain themselves....after each point they put forward, ask "why?" Then they have to come up with an explanation, and you can ask "why?" to that. Eventually they HAVE no good answers.

[princess]

BSL is good length and not too long. Why should anyone else mind anyway? I for one personally do not believe that age and long hair do not go together.

[earthdancer]

Having just spent a week with my sister, I am thinking maybe your friend had a PMS moment, or low blood sugar and it made her temporarily lose her mind. You wouldn't believe the things that come out of my sister's mouth and she doesn't think twice about it!

By the way, my sister just cut her truly gorgeous waist-length hair; she used to look like a princess. Now she has very short highlighted hair that doesn't flatter her at all, and she keeps telling everyone who will listen how cute it is (trying to talk herself into believing it). When she had long hair, she was always getting compliments on it, and now no one says anything about the way she looks unless she makes them say something. The awful truth is that she went from being stunning to - well - just "there", if you know what I mean.:(

[Heavenly Locks]

First friend turns to me and says, "you should cut your hair. You are too old to have long hair."

You should have said "and YOU are too old to be judging others based on their appearances and telling them what you think they should and shouldn't do."

:rolleyes:

[Forever_Sophie]

For me, it depends on how close this friend is. Coworkers/acquaintances I'd let it slide, but if it's a true friend, and it sounds like she is, I would absolutely email; what you wrote sounds great.